I was in a relationship with a girl for about 5years plus, till she left overseas for tertiary educations. She developed a crush on her lecturer, and confused me with him. As a result, we broke up. I don't know if the crush(love in her language) issue was true or not, but that's what she claims it to be. She has this problem of developing crushes on any new guy she meets and talks with. She herself admitted it to me and feels guilty about it, that she's not being sincere to me etc when we were together. But still, the lecturer issue was the last straw. We broke up. I never had a chance to talk face to face about this to her bcoz she's so far away.

I can't get over her till today. It's been a year since we broke up. I feel better now, but I'm contemplating on laying plans on reconciling with her. Should I go on with that idea..? Though she's with someone else now, she still misses me I feel. She calls and msges to check on me at times. I've tried moving on but still I get back to where I was after the dates I've been on. I tend to miss her and love her more as the girls I went out with just aren't the same as her.

It's been a few months since I stopped all contacts with her, it hurts to see my place being taken over by another person. But I decided to make peace with the past, and recently I started small talks with her, the initial Hi and Hello's.. Should I reconcile? :confused:

Stuck in the past is right.

You don't need someone who develops new crushes on any new guy.
Who does that?

Like you said that was the last straw.

No reason to try & reconcile. Why? So she can do it again & again.

You just haven't found the right person yet.

I wouldn't talk to her ever again.

If you want to open up old wounds and set yourself up for another heartbreak, then go ahead.

If you want to heal and move on with your life, then go back to NC.

But the memories are killing me from within. I still love her, everything around me faintly reminds me of her. I recently added her again on Facebook, on efforts of reconciling.

I was thinking of being friends, and starting from square one. But I'm still quite cautious about the things she did to me before. I hope she changes. Is it possible for people to change?

She's with someone else. She dumped you, in fact, for someone else.

You hurt when you think of her and harbor romantic fantasies of reconciling...

My advice? Get her off your Facebook, get rid of the things that remind you of her, change your cell number, start dating other women. Erase her from your memories.

It's been a year and she's moved on. You need to as well.

Hi,
I think perhaps you are hanging on because there wasn't proper closure. The pain of being left behind has left you with the open wounds. You had no control and this was decided for you. You should not reconcile with her. She will do this to you again.

Take a good look at the following sentence.

SHE DEVELOPS CRUSHES WITH EVERY GUY SHE MEETS.

Is this OK with you? If you got back together, would you be able to go through all this pain again? She will do this to you again.

Here are some links to help you move forward. You deserve better!

Click Here: You Can Learn How to Get Closure After a Breakup (http://ezinearticles.com/?You-Can-Learn-How-to-Get-Closure-After-a-Breakup&id=1192172)

Click Here: How To Move On, 10 Steps For Post-Break Up Closure | Lifescript.com (http://www.lifescript.com/Life/Relationships/Wreckage/How_To_Move_On_10_Steps_For_Post-Break_Up_Closure.aspx)

I've tried going on dates, but after the date, I end up missing her more, the new girl just isn't the same. Maybe it's just me, I prefer intellectual conversations. The new ones just don't tickle my brain.

I have this small wish inside me. I added her on Facebook to let her know I'm moving on, and upgrading myself. I want her to come herself and talk to me. I want to show her that I'm a new man, and let her realise what she has lost.

I've accepted the break up, and now wish to just be friends with her (with false hopes of reconciling). Am I treading into unchartered harmful quarters here?

I guess the closure part is true. The break up came all of a sudden. I didn't know what hit me. It was a fast and a bad one. Just like that, in a matter of minutes she did it to me. Like I was a hopeless piece of junk she threw away.

Just sometimes I wonder how she could do that, after all the years and the memories we shared. Some people don't have a heart I guess.

Five years was a long investment in a relationship.

Yes, people can, and do change. The year that the two of you have been apart could have been a year that she has matured and she could be totally different than the person she was a year ago.

I would be more inclined if you are feeling stuck about what to do, is try to honestly go back to the time during the relationship, particularly toward the end of the five years. Were things rocky then? Were you getting along well, making plans for the future? Was she faithful for the five years? Were you?

If there were no problems while you were together for the most part, until she developed the relationship with her lecturer, and you have no answer for why that happened, then there is something missing. That she gets 'crushes' may not mean anything if she doesn't act on them either.

People fall out of love all the time, and when that happens, so do affairs for a million different reasons. Maybe she was just ready to move on, and if it hadn't been her teacher, it would have been someone else.

But, yes, people do change. Sometimes when one realizes that the grass is not greener on the other side, they've learned a big enough life lesson to realize what they lost by taking a chance in another pasture.

I would proceed with caution, but, I would proceed.

I'm going to say something harsh... You know how you feel after these dates... unfulfilled and untickled? She feels this way about you. As a matter of fact, she seems to feel this way about most guys. She's fickle and you won't change her. She doesn't care that you are a new man. You still won't be "new" enough. For her, "new" means a completely different guy. Several of them.

I feel sorry that you will probably need to hit the wall again before getting it. I can imagine how you hurt inside. Sometimes we just need to learn the hard way. We'll be here for you after your next meeting with her...

I understand how you must feel. You will get over her once it sinks in that you will not change her. You mentioned that she threw you out like a piece of junk. You are not junk. If you pursue her now after the way she treated you... YOU are treating yourself as junk.

I'm going to say something harsh...You know how you feel after these dates...unfulfilled and untickled? She feels this way about you. As a matter of fact, she seems to feel this way about most guys. She's fickle and you won't change her. She doesn't care that you are a new man. You still won't be "new" enough. For her, "new" means a completely different guy.

I feel sorry that you will probably need to hit the wall again before getting it. I can imagine how you hurt inside. Sometimes we just need to learn the hard way. We'll be here for you after your next meeting with her...


I've hit the wall enough. I finally thought of forgiving what she did to me, and being friends with her instead of being angry for no reason. Yes she's fickle. You're right about that.

I've tried talking to her, chatting online. All I get for now are cold one-line replies. Maybe she's still afraid to talk, as she has tried being friends with me before and I pushed her away. I wonder why am I still obsessed with her after all the pain she gave me.

It's like my mind knows it's wrong, but my heart still loves her. After one year, the pain is not so much, but the scars are still there.

I understand how you must feel. You will get over her once it sinks in that you will not change her. You mentioned that she threw you out like a piece of junk. You are not junk. If you pursue her now after the way she treated you...YOU are treating yourself as junk.

This is interesting. A new perspective I've never thought about. Thanks summer7 :). I've been going to the gym, working out. I've been taking up golf lessons again, after an absence of one year. I'm not a piece of junk, I know that. I learnt a lot of wonderful things. Life is beautiful.

And I need to get over this girl. Maybe I'm living with false hopes that one day she will realise and come running back to me after she found out that what I said about the world was true.

Five years was a long investment in a relationship.

Yes, people can, and do change. The year that the two of you have been apart could have been a year that she has matured and she could be totally different than the person she was a year ago.

I would be more inclined if you are feeling stuck about what to do, is try to honestly go back to the time during the relationship, particularly toward the end of the five years. Were things rocky then? Were you getting along well, making plans for the future? Was she faithful for the five years? Were you?

If there were no problems while you were together for the most part, until she developed the relationship with her lecturer, and you have no answer for why that happened, then there is something missing. That she gets 'crushes' may not mean anything if she doesn't act on them either.

People fall out of love all the time, and when that happens, so do affairs for a million different reasons. Maybe she was just ready to move on, and if it hadn't been her teacher, it would have been someone else.

But, yes, people do change. Sometimes when one realizes that the grass is not greener on the other side, they've learned a big enough life lesson to realize what they lost by taking a chance in another pasture.

I would proceed with caution, but, I would proceed.

I've learnt that the grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side. Maybe she has to realise this too. So you're saying I should proceed with caution with the reconciling?

You are a very sweet guy and have a wonderful heart. I really wish you the best! Some girl will be very lucky to have you. It's been a year and you are getting better. Keep up with the golf, working out and meeting new people. Keep reading these posts. One of these days your "heart" will catch up with your head. Good luck to you!

Thanks for the compliments summer7. Very kind of you to say so. Yes, reading the posts on this site really helps me a lot. This is my first time participating in these kind of forums. In fact, I'm much of a reader than participating in active forum responses. After reading the posts here, I've decided to join as well.

There is no help better than self help. I wish you all the best too. :)

All things considered, yes, I would proceed, with caution.

You're strong enough now, after a year, to have lived through the pain of separating, and you know this woman well, having had a five year relationship with her, to give her a second chance.

You're in a far better position of strength now, with the benefit of both experience, and hindsight.

Duplicate posts merged

If she has a new guy in her life, then she's already moved on and you're up for another heartbreak.

If she has a new boyfriend, then you're going to be a girlfriend stealer.

If you're only trying to be friends with her because you want to win her back, then you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

Stranger things have happened, but if you're prepared for all the things listed above, then give it a try.

Otherwise, if you want to heal, then you really need to stick with NC. Until your feelings for her have gone away, it's better to stay apart to avoid false hope and over-analyzing all the details.

The feelings are still there for her. I guess it might just lead me onto the path of another heartbreak if I attempt anything now.

I guess I should concentrate on healing fully first, and then see what comes my way. For now, I'd just lay low and be just friends with her. I don't want to be a girlfriend stealer for sure.

I wish there was a reset button somewhere. Wouldn't it be nice? :)

Personally I believe in NC and
I don't think friendship is possible until you're truly over her. Take care.

You can:

1) Keep trying (i.e. telling her how you feel and hopefully she feels the same way). This route is definitely not recommended, because you will risk pushing her even farther away;

2) Focus on healing. No contact is a helpful tool, because it helps prevent you from building false hope and over-analyzing all the details;

3) Stay friends in hopes of something more.

Warning
You've choosen, 3) the "limbo" route. You're not trying to win her back, you're just putting your life on hold by sticking around and hoping that she will come around. This will:

a) prolong your pain and suffering
b) set yourself up for a huge disappointment
c) prevent you from fully healing
I vote for option 2)

*Once you've fully recovered, you will be in a better position (calmer, emotional dust setled, more objective) to re-visit your situation

This will take some time. It's been a year and I'm still not over her. It's going to be a long lonely walk from where I am now.

Your recovery process only begins from the day that you stop talking to her. So if you talked to her last week, then so far, your recovery period is 1 week and not 1 year.

Follow the no contact rules: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/nc-rules-faqs-332732.html

Avoid the urge of breaking the rules: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/fighting-urges-break-nc-rules-351302.html

I've tried Option 1. The outcome was like how you said, it pushed her farther away. I regret sending the numerous messages, calls and email spams to get her attention back, right after we broke up. It would have been better if I eased back that time. Emotions got the better of me.

Option 2 sounds good. False hope and over-analyzing is bad. I spent 6 months doing that. I learnt it the hard way. Even now I catch myself doing it at times.

Option 3 doesn't sound appealing, from the way you put it. I feel recovered now, much better than before but I guess I better give it some time before I re-visit.

Thanks for the heads up I WISH. You really have a way of opening up minds of the broken hearted. :)

Your recovery process only begins from the day that you stop talking to her. So if you talked to her last week, then so far, your recovery period is 1 week and not 1 year.

Follow the no contact rules: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/nc-rules-faqs-332732.html

Avoid the urge of breaking the rules: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/fighting-urges-break-nc-rules-351302.html

In that case, my recovery period crashed from a period of 3 months to 4 days, 4 days ago I sent her an apology message, saying that I'm OK with what happened and perhaps there's a reason for things to happen. I even added her back on Facebook, in attempt to be just a friend.

Cool NC tips there. I will work on following it. :)

Good, you should. No more wavering.
Its really the only way to get over this.

Work on yourself.

Good luck.

Okay. Shall post my progress reports here then. What does not kill us makes us stronger. Thanks for the great help guys. I'm clear on what to do, at least for now.

Good luck and stay strong.

It really sucks when you're so close yet so far. Why couldn't I be the one there for her like how it used to be? Why love has to be this complicated and hurting?

It's like I can see her status updates which is all happy and nice, and pretend it doesn't sting inside, showing a happy face when I talk to her. And it's like she's talking to an unwanted person. I guess I should just move away, I'm just a piece of unwanted junk anyway that's why I was thrown away.

Delete her from all social networking sites-that's part of the nc-or you'll stop yourself from moving on as the temptation to check her out will be there as long as you don't remove her. Don't think of yourself as a piece of junk,you're someone who loved and it didn't work out. You're not alone in that,most of us here have been where you are now and I can promise you it gets better and one day you'll be completely over it.

Temptations to check her out was still there even after I deleted her. I used to go through another profile to check her profile out. Just that now, since access is easy (coz I added her back), I don't do it everyday.

The thing is every time you check you stop your own progress. Nc's a detox where you go cold turkey.

I actually feel better after all this discussions. I wonder why I didn't discover this place earlier. Bet it would be nice if all of us can meet and chill out some place if it wasn't for the distance guys. :)

Cold-turkey it is amicon..

Ha ha we could all chill in cyberspace on Xmas Day with our cold turkeys! Good to know you're better.

Nice one.
We will be chilling.
And won't have to worry about who's cooking...

Glad you decided godspeed. Make your member name a reality.

Felt the same way, if it wasn't for the incredible posts here, not sure where I would be.

It really sucks when you're so close yet so far. Why couldn't I be the one there for her like how it used to be? Why love has to be this complicated and hurting?

I agree... It's funny my dad would always say that people who like to be in love are a bunch of masochists. I thought this was quite lame of him. I am finding out how true it is. There are times it can be painful and we go in for more. L:)L

Oh, and I'm very happy for you moving on.. I'll bring homemade chocolate chip cookies to our Cyber Celebration.

From your post, you sound like a real sweetheart. I'm sure there's a lady out there for you that will love you and not have "crushes" always getting in the way.

You've already been hurt and heart-broken. The choice is yours, but I'd hate to hear that you have to go through all the pain again.

Be strong!

Thanks for the compliments guys.. *shy shy* ;)

Looking forward to the Cyber Celebrations summer7.. =)

If I were to explain my heart's contents to her, for all the actions I did that might have made her hate me, things would be in a different perspective.. but I really don't know what a girl's mind would think esp when she's with another person(maybe).. it hurts.. but I've got to show her I'm strong..

More importantly, show yourself how strong can be.

Hey don't worry about explaining anything.
Its too late.

Like you say, she (maybe) with someone, hence its over yo. Who cares? Her?

Use those thoughts to help better yourself & figure out who's deserving of you once you heal from this.

Hey godspeed,

One more thing.

There will come a day when you no longer care about her in the same way. Weird, but true.

Im saying this from what Ive gone through. Not a bad thing. Just a thing.

Get right with yourself, find value in what's good now, friends, etc.. The things that are true and have been. Good things.

And new ones.. New ventures.

You owe her no show of strength,only be strong for yourself and find your own happy place. You're getting there so stop worrying about her thoughts they're of no consequence now.

The thoughts of patching back still circles in my mind. I am maintaining NC for like 2weeks plus now. The past 2 days I've been thinking about her. Planning on a way to start small talks with her.

It may sound dumb. Should I go ahead with this? Our so-called 5th anniversary is one week away.. haha..

Yeah, dumb.

Instead, celebrate 2+ weeks of NC & being away from from someone that doesn't want you any longer.

Its been a year since you broke up, right?

Yeap, it's been a year. Now I'm not sure if she doesn't wants me anymore, if she doesn't want me, she wouldn't be checking on my Facebook and my website every now and then. Am I confusing myself with this minor details vanheart?

I mean I just want to find out what is she thinking about me now.

She's thinking you are no longer her boyfriend after a year. And doesn't put any effort worrying about it.

Stop wondering & searching for sh$$t. Trying to see inside her head.

What are you still thinking about? And want?

C'mon, man. After a year apart you are still wondering?

Cut this Facebook & myspace hunting & get on. Meet some new people instead of wasting your precious time one this one person.

Its on the verge of insanity.

Insanity=Doing the same thing over & over with no results.

Plus, If I remember this right, she develops crushes on any new guy she meets.

What's the question again?

Insanity, that's a powerful eye-opener man.. haha.. I got to stop worrying about this small things and look at the bigger picture. Then I better concentrate on my workouts than this things. If she wants to, she can always talk to me right. But she isn't. It's always me who does the initiating process.

Well, that's a major problem there.

Initiating something that will never happen again.

My advice is to have zero contact from now on. After, all its not serving you one single bit. Is it?

Only more indecision & weirdness.

Why are you so concerned if she wants to talk to you?

Hard for me to understand.

She dumped you a year ago, fancies anything that comes along and you are still hanging on? Geez, buddy...

Change your post from "Stuck in the past" to "On to the future" or better yet "Living in the incredible now"

Ya, know. What feels good?

Not obsessing about this user.

godspeed,

I just want you to know that we are all here because of this.

You need a slap in the face. And we are here to give it to you.

Just like the ones I got, whether its kind or harsh.

After a bit, I was begging for that one slap that would push me over the edge. No matter if it was from myself or someone else.

I guess all I am trying to say is, don't waste anymore time on her.

Take a look at yourself in the mirror.

Why are you doing this? Who are you?

Thanks for the awakening vanheart. I need slaps like these from time to time.. :)

You can always come back for more slaps, :-) but it'll be good when you update that you're over this!

Perhaps a new relationship could help..? I've been getting a few prospects, but I'm taking my time..

Any relationship you start without having healed from your breakup will be a rebound.
That's unfair to the other person.
Get to know more people,socialize and be happy again,and when you're completely over the ex start dating again.

Guys, If I come back here asking opinions to reconcile and the likes, please slap me. I deserve it well.

I learnt one thing. Some girls, just want to forget their ex and get someone new. Been going through these things for a few days, some of my girl friends come up to me, saying that their exes are asking to get back with them, but they are not interested in that proposal. They'd rather go for someone new, rather than someone they know quite well. Maybe that's how things work.

As the saying goes, if you can't beat them, you join them. And for now, I'm going to the gym for a new me for ME..

When I ask them why not patch things up with their exes, they tell me the same thing that my ex told me. Maybe girls are the same, or I'm just meeting eggs from the same production batch.. :p

It doesn't matter. Don't try to figure it all out. It will give you a migraine.

Dumpers dump with an agenda.

Your agenda now is to heal, learn & move on to better things.

Hello people, how's things been going on? Sorry for the absence, been busy with my term exams and assignments.

Updates - Healing is good. vanheart I owe u one, for the slap. :)

Good work-keep going!:-)

Amicon, had to spread the love, but I ditto your sentiments.

Godspeed, good for you, and congrats on getting through your exams.

Is it normal for that memory lane to haunt me wherever I go?

My pleasure. Good to hear that things have changed.

We all have memories, that's what keeps us grounded emotionally.

Travel with that sh&&t. In your front pocket.

One thing I did was to dredge up every single relationship & memory, by myself. Not just romantic ones, but all. Stuff I neglected to remember.

I worked my butt off to heal.

Its normal,but there will be new lanes to go down.
Keep walking.