Ok, so I am seeing her again later tonight. I don't know if I will tell her anything tonight because I just need to compose myself. I am feel very off balance and need to be composed before saying anything. But... if the opportunity does arise I will let her know. It all depends on how she feels.

I agree with Tal and how I should tell her that I was wrong for thinking that I was ready for a committed relationship. I will tell her how I need to back up now so that I do not hurt her in the long run. Will I tell her that we are breaking up? I don't know but I will let her know that I need to take a few steps back.

This needs to happen soon because I do not want to continue stringing her along because she does deserve a nice guy who will be committed to her.

I need to go work out though, get some tension off my body.

*smacks head on desk*

Take care of yourself first and foremost and don't stay with her just because you don't want to hurt her, you'll end up hurting her more.

Being single and taking care of yourself is a good thing, you'll attract tons of women. I mean you will attract so much you will be fed up. I'm in that stage right now.

Take care of yourself first and foremost and don't stay with her just because you don't want to hurt her, you'll end up hurting her more.

Being single and taking care of yourself is a good thing, you'll attract tons of women. I mean you will attract so much you will be fed up. I'm in that stage right now.

Yeah I have several things keeping me back from returning back to my normal state.

1.) I am having ex withdrawals, and even though she is out of my life I still have feelings for her. She is not making it easier but constantly trying to rub things in my face. But hopefully after this semester I will be seeing even less of her. Its hard to move on when your ex throws in your face how she has a new boyfriend, flirts, hangs out with all your old friends, and acts innocent through this whole thing.

2.) I am having a difficult time deciding how I feel about this new girl. Even though I have seen plenty of red flags there is still something keeping me from breaking up with her. My brain, heart, and gut all have intermixed feelings and I cannot get myself to break up with her. One side does not want to give up the friends that I met through her, give up having a partner, and give up a relationship. Another side tells me that she is not a good match for me and that I should heal before dating again.

3.) I need to work on being single. I thought I was and I kept on telling myself this up to a point where I started believing myself. But now I see that I am not. I thought being in another relationship would help but now that I am in a relationship, I do not want it as much as I thought I did. But for some reason right now I do not have enough courage to be single. I sounds so weak of me but its true. I am afraid of being single because I have been hurt so much in the last few months.

We all need to learn how to be single and being happy single. A relationship is supposed to make us feel happy with ourselves and the person we're with.
The fear of being single, sadly keeps quite a few people in relationships that don't make them happy.
I think you know that what you need to do is get over your ex completely,date and get to know more people and then start a new relationship when you're ready for it.

1. You need to try and avoid her at all costs. If it is impossible and she continues to try and bother you, you need to put your foot down and tell her the deal. Tell her that you do not want to talk or see her anymore... Plain and simple.

2. You need to be honest with her and yourself and tell her how you feel.

3. Being single isn't bad. You just need to find things to fill your time that are fun and allow you to meet new people.

More than anything, being single is about standing on your own, your own feet, your own life and utilizing your own skills do do anything you want. Developing a life that eventually is attractive to others as one they want to share in. A significant other doesn't make you, you make yourself, and it is the self you make that leads to love and such.

It is time you became a truly self identifying person and not someone who relies on the emotions of another to lift himself up or utilize as a crutch. It is scary having to do this, having to depend on only yourself and not get the love and support of that special someone, but it is crucial in development of a young adolescent to a true adult.

I also don't even think you should date. Your emotions are such that you will blow certain things out of proportion. You need to focus on being happy single and forget the other stuff. If you can't honestly keep things in perspective, you shouldn't be dating anyone. Just my opinion.

1. You need to try and avoid her at all costs. If it is impossible and she continues to try and bother you, you need to put your foot down and tell her the deal. Tell her that you do not want to talk or see her anymore... Plain and simple.
Easier said then done since I work with her, have two classes with her, and have many common friends. But you are right. I do need to put my foot down and let her know. It will be easier next semester since I will only have one class with her and it will be a large lecture class so I will never even need to see her. I will still work with her but I think our schedules will be different so we won't even see each other at work.

2. You need to be honest with her and yourself and tell her how you feel.
Yes, I realize this very much. I just need to gather enough courage to pull this off. I tried once a day ago and well she kind of made it much harder for me by being a sweetheart, telling me that all those red flags are in her past, and just by being very accepting of me.

3. Being single isn't bad. You just need to find things to fill your time that are fun and allow you to meet new people.
Yeah when I was single for that month it was not all that bad at all. I was able to hang out with many different girls, have more time to myself, and just socialize with friends. I have a ton on my plate as it is with school, 3 jobs, and my psychology research.


I guess I really do enjoy just having someone by me that I can have in depth conversations with, share intimate moments, and enjoy female company.
It wouldn't be as hard if I could do some of these things with friends. But my current friends are the typical college males whose only love is football and are to masculine to talk about anything "touchy" or philosophical. I am a psychology student so I love to analyze human behavior and most of my friends are engineers who are great friends but tend to have very concrete thoughts and do not enough conversations about human behavior, philosophy and spirituality.

More than anything, being single is about standing on your own, your own feet, your own life and utilizing your own skills do do anything you want. Developing a life that eventually is attractive to others as one they want to share in. A significant other doesn't make you, you make yourself, and it is the self you make that leads to love and such.

It is time you became a truly self identifying person and not someone who relies on the emotions of another to lift himself up or utilize as a crutch. It is scary having to do this, having to depend on only yourself and not get the love and support of that special someone, but it is crucial in development of a young adolescent to a true adult.

I also don't even think you should date. Your emotions are such that you will blow certain things out of proportion. You need to focus on being happy single and forget the other stuff. If you can't honestly keep things in perspective, you shouldn't be dating anyone. Just my opinion.

I agree with your opinion and I believe that you are completely right. All through high school, I did not care if I was in a relationship. I did not look for one and I was completely content just being single. I even knew that if I wanted to be in a relationship that I could have been in one but I just enjoyed being single. I never feared or needed anyone by my side. But once I met my first love it changed me. Now I tend to depend more on people for emotional support. It is more difficult to be single because I really enjoy what a relationship can do for a couple. I need to return to my old self where I only depended on myself and nobody else.

So today I am insanely busy with school work. I went from class straight to the library to work on a 10 page paper. I am staying up all night to finish this paper. My girlfriend called to find out how my day was going. She found out what my night entails and surprised me at the library with a small study package that included some food, fruit, and energy drinks. I thought that was so adorable and thoughtful but at the same time it makes it much harder for me to break up with her.

Should I continue giving her a chance?

It looks like the main problem is that you are somewhat afraid of losing for whatever reason. Honestly, it seems for your own good and for her own good you need to break up. The more time you take, the more painful it is going to take.

Think of it as doing a favor for her, if down the line you are not compatible, it's going to break her heart much more than if you do it now.

If you want to stick with her, you better have no doubt.

This is what I think; Take it for what it's worth:

Back in one of my previous posts (#500) I said that people make choices as the grow up that determine who they become as adults. Many times these choices serve as learning experiences that we base our future decisions from.

You say that she is a party girl and uses recreational drugs . She claims it is only once in a while and she hasn't done it lately. Have you talked to her about that? Have you told her how her occasional drug use and partying makes you feel? Maybe she will work on straightening herself out if you support her.

I think she is making obvious moves that show she really likes you. The whole study package was completely unexpected. Everyone on this board says time and time again that actions speak louder than words. She is working to keep you around.

If you can forget her past mistakes, tell her how her lifestyle makes you feel, and support her if she makes the choice to straighten up, then I would say give her a chance. It seems she is putting forth some sort of effort to being with you.


If you can't do that, then I agree with paxe. You need to step to the plate and quit leading her on. You are confused because you rushed into this too fast. You still have the choice of slowing things down, but you need to communicate this to her. Remember communication is key here. She will most likely understand and work with you if she wants to be with you. If she doesn't, then let her walk.

Just from where I sit, you take whatever she gives you, enjoy it, an cry about being afraid to tell her the truth.

I think you have used the inexperienced excuse enough. I think you have used the fear excuse long enough.

Get off your a$$, and at least act like a man, even if you don't know how. As the say in the Nike commercial, "Just Do It"

Sorry to be harsh (Not really) but its your move.

Well... I did it. I feel horrible and in no way relieved.

I told her how I HONESTLY felt. I told her that there were some red flags raised that makes me super cautious. Also, I told her how there are some values that I have that do not match up with her. I told her how I feel we rushed into this relationship and I would like to slow it down. I did NOT break up with her but rather I just told her how I felt and if she wanted to continue seeing me that it would be great. I also told her that if she did not want to see me again that I would understand.

I feel horrible having told this to her because she is so into me. She is a great girl and deserves to be treated well. But my dumbass hurt her.

Right after I told her this she became instantly withdrawn and distant. She would not look at me and continued saying "Im fine." Which we all know that is not what it means. She wouldn't talk any further about it so I gave her the space she needed. We are seeing each other tomorrow.


This sucks. REALLY bad.

I don't understand why you,having the doubts you've voiced, can't bring yourself to break up with her? This is a mess,but you're allowing it to remain a mess. Sorry,but what are you doing here? Trying to push her into breaking it off ? If she were on this board asking for advice, that's what I would advice her to do.

It's great that you were up front with her about all the things that were bothering you. She now knows how you feel. Hopefully you were not too harsh... I think the way she reacted is normal for this situation.

Now that you have done this, it's time to work together to make this something you both can thrive in and enjoy. If you are still having doubts, then it would be best to let this end and find someone else.

Don't hesitate to do things anything you need for yourself because you you're afraid of hurting someone else's feelings. You can't make everyone happy all the time, and sometimes the feelings we have or the choices we make don't make other people happy. That's life.

So technically you haven't broken up with her and you're leaving her the choice of breaking up. Seriously, I'm not sure when you are going to man up. This is a mess from the beginning and as amicon said, you're making it worse and worse. You're seeing each other after that? Great, that will go smoothly. With what you said, she isn't going to stay long with you and there is a possibility that she may cheat on you.

Really? You have to be kidding. First of all telling me to man up does not do a thing for me. I chose to not break up with her. Its not because I didn't have the balls to do it. I chose this route.

Everybody, told me to tell her how I feel. That's what I did.

I did not break up with her because there are a lot of qualities that attract me to her and I would like to continue seeing her to see if we can turn this into a great relationship.

The answer to everyone's problem her is break up. No wonder the U.S has such high divorce rates.

Hey buddy,
You're the one suffering from your past mistakes: contacting ex over and over, going into a new relationship thinking you're OK, then having ex withdrawals and seeing that your current girlfriend isn't what you hoped for...



I did not break up with her because there are a lot of qualities that attract me to her and I would like to continue seeing her to see if we can turn this into a great relationship.


If that is true why are you suffering, having doubts and why aren't you over your ex?
The problem here is that you've taken the middle ground, you haven't broken with her but you've told her your feelings thinking all the problems will vanish (as before).

My answer from the beginning was to heal, and not jump into a new relationship with all the complications it had led to and that we have all foresaw. The path that you've taken will bring you more pain.

While we can advise, and give opinions, we can't dictate, only wait and see what happens. Everything happens for a reason, and either she will agree, and go at a much slower pace, or stop seeing you.

I think you just have to wait and see, where the path you have chosen takes you, and deal with it accordingly.

Your seeing her tomorrow, (today? ) so not a long time to see what happens next.

I agree with Tal, only time will tell how things will work. I think that if you both put a good honest effort toward things, you will be fine. Take things slow, enjoy your time together and learn more about each other.

I don't think you're off to a bad start. It would have been bad if she didn't want to see you today/tomorrow, but she does. When you see her, don't keep rehashing that conversation over and over. Enjoy your time together and do something fun!

It is kind of hard to know what the right thing is when
a.) I am new to this and do not know what the right thing is
b.) Everyone gives me different opinions as to what the right thing is (friends, AMHD, others... )
c.) I cannot decide on what path to take

Thank jmw0713 for the positive encouragement. I appreciate it. Thank you for everyone else(amicon, tal, kc, paxe, etc... ) as well for the advise as well. Please bare with me as I figure out on my own what the right thing is. I do appreciate all advice but I feel like I need to take a bit of everyone's advice and figure out some things out on my own. I hope you all can continue listening to be and beating me over the head when needed because I know for sure I could have not come this far without you all.

Be proud of how far you have come and stay strong and happy. I know maybe you feel needy right now and I know that is why you stay stuck with someone even though you know is not the one for you. It would be harder to go through it without this new girl but it would be healthier. So the choice is up to you. If you need to feel like you have a girlfriend then fine but truth be told we both know this is not making you happy and instead brings you more issues. Continue living life and meeting new people and go out and meet new girls and be the awesome person you are without the weakness of needing to have someone. I heard that life isn't always suppose to be action and adventure... Enjoy and explore during this down time and your next relationship will be magical. Don't look for it and just let it come to you, because it will.

I recognize the conflict is with yourself, it always is for us all, you are the only one who can make your path a happy on or not. Maybe you can't take big steps, but know your taking the ones you can, that all you can do sometimes.

On the bright side, you have left the ex far behind so relax and enjoy the freedom from that.

There is always a positive side to everything, no matter how confused you may be. Your okay, and you will figure this out, and do what you have to, for yourself.

You have already proved that, so take heart.

I wish that I could have experience my first love when I was young because then I would have been too young to understand such strong feelings. It wouldn't have hurt me as much and I would have bounced back on my feet faster. But the fact that I experience my first love break up at 21 hurts so much more because I feel so attached to those feelings. It is so hard to let them go. But I know its only been 2 months or so and with more time these feelings will disappear, or at least diminish to a point where it won't affect me anymore. Also, I am very glad that I was able to experience love. I have learned much from it.


I can tell you that I do not see a future with the current girlfriend. I enjoy her company, what she has to offer, and her friendship. We have stopped having sex so that we do not further hurt each other. She understands how I feel and accepts the fact that I am unsure about us. I do not know where we will end up but right now I am just letting things happen. Hopefully I will build up my confidence soon and do the right thing. But, I do not know what the right thing is sometimes.

What do you think is the right thing to do?

What do you think is the right thing to do?

Well, breaking up makes the most sense and that is exactly what happened yesterday. I told her everything that was on my mind. She took it better than I thought but she was very hurt. She kept on saying "I should've know....you just got out of a LTR 2 months ago....you are just like 2 of my ex's.....etc..."

I feel horrible for having done it but it wasn't fair to her and I did not want to use her as a tool for my healing process. Also, I do not think we would have lasted a long time because of our differences. I do not know if what I did was right and I feel horrible for having hurt her. She did not deserve this. She was very into me and thought that she has finally met someone who she could see being with for a long time. I broke those dreams.

I am a horrible person for having done this.

You're not horrible, you're human and we all make mistakes. Hopefully we learn from them. You did the right thing, it would have been even more hurtful another couple of weeks down the line. She also choose to be with you,ignoring the red flag-your recent breakup,even though she had previous experience of the same situation.

But I just feel that what I did is not the right thing to do. But I decided to listen to everyone here for once.

The longer you dragged things out, the more hurt you both would feel. While it was regrettable, she was doing what we always warn others about, getting attached to soon, and too much, without getting to know you better, so it was not you who caused her own disappointment, but her own actions. Bearing that guilt on yourself, is not fair of you. So let it go.

You will soon realize that we humans put feelings in about everything we do, so your own coping skills are what needs developing through experiences that you have been through.

She may be disappointed now, but if she has learned something about herself, then the pain is the price of the lesson.

In your own case you to have learned, not only about moving to fast and expecting too much, but that doing the right thing may come with a price that must be paid with hurt feelings, guilt and regret. But it was still the right thing to do.

You will recover, when the emotional dust has settled, and have a better perspective, when you can review the events you have been through without all the feelings you have experienced.

Just be patient with yourself.

Is this the first time you have been the dumper for want of a nicer word? It still hurts even if we know that breaking up is the right thing to do.
We more or less all of us posting on your thread gave you the same advice and for a good reason,too many red flags plus you seemed to be jumping in too quickly.

Thanks Tal. I agree.



Is this the first time you have been the dumper for want of a nicer word? It still hurts even if we know that breaking up is the right thing to do.
We more or less all of us posting on your thread gave you the same advice and for a good reason,too many red flags plus you seemed to be jumping in too quickly.

Yes, first time dumping.


So what do I do now?

Your decision was the best for you. At least you found the courage to do this and now have this as a valuable learning experience for the future.

The kindest thing you can do now is to go no contact on her so she can recover without the confusion of your staying in touch.
Remember how you felt and maybe still feel on occasion when seeing and hearing about your ex.

As hard as it was, it was the good decision. Right now there isn't much you can do except taking care of yourself and DON'T DATE. It seem you can't control yourself in dating lol. You will have all your life to find a good person so don't worry, enjoy being single for a while, not having to take care of anyone or anything.
Being single is great. Work on your emotions and expectations also.

Don't contact her. Don't try to be friends. Just separate yourself and move on. Just being around her will cause both of you pain.

amicon, I think that is what I will do now. She kept on talking about being friends, etc... I hope she understands what I am asking from her. I made it very clear about what I need. I told her how I realized once it was too late that I was not ready for a relationship and that I need time to myself. She even said that she doubts she could see me anything more than a friend because she will never trust me again. I still feel though that she wants to stay connected somehow, whether it be through friendship or even dating. But she did tell me how she did not want to date because to her sex is important part of intimacy and she can't date someone who she finds attractive and not have sex with him. That part made me very uncomfortable because I feel like if you like somebody you will wait or at least respect the person's decision.




As hard as it was, it was the good decision. Right now there isn't much you can do except taking care of yourself and DON'T DATE. It seem you can't control yourself in dating lol. You will have all your life to find a good person so don't worry, enjoy being single for a while, not having to take care of anyone or anything.
Being single is great. Work on your emotions and expectations also.

I am so done with girls for now. I hope I can't follow the words I just wrote. The second I became single I had 2 people offer to be friends with benefits, I had some girls ask me if I could see myself dating them, etc...

I just need to learn how to be single again. This time for real. I need to stop telling myself bull**** lies when times become tough. It will be hard for me because I enjoy intimate companionship so much. Yes, friends can be companions but it is a different feeling when you are in a relationship. I do not depend on a relationship to make me happy but it is something that I value. It is something that makes my life even better.

Enjoy learning to be single and BEING single-and when you're ready you'll meet someone who can be a real companion.
Friends with benefits is another one of those tricky to handle,someone'll probably get hurt kind of situations, at least that's what I think!

Enjoy learning to be single and BEING single-and when you're ready you'll meet someone who can be a real companion.
Friends with benefits is another one of those tricky to handle,someone'll probably get hurt kind of situations, at least that's what I think!

No, I could never see myself having friends with benefits. Sex to me means so much more than just an act of physical pleasure. That is what I told them as well.

I am so done with girls for now. I hope I can't follow the words I just wrote. The second I became single I had 2 people offer to be friends with benefits, I had some girls ask me if I could see myself dating them, etc...

I just need to learn how to be single again. This time for real. I need to stop telling myself bull**** lies when times become tough. It will be hard for me because I enjoy intimate companionship so much. Yes, friends can be companions but it is a different feeling when you are in a relationship. I do not depend on a relationship to make me happy but it is something that I value. It is something that makes my life even better.

We all have their share of girls attracted to us. Gosh, I had to turn down like a LOT of girls to stay single (and I'm not even going out that much). I don't want to hurt them so until I figure out what I want and until I had some great me time, I'll stay single, and so should you. Set yourself a time limit, like a year or so before you even think of dating again. Use this me time to be more in control of yourself.

We all have their share of girls attracted to us. Gosh, I had to turn down like a LOT of girls to stay single (and I'm not even going out that much). I don't want to hurt them so until I figure out what I want and until I had some great me time, I'll stay single, and so should you. Set yourself a time limit, like a year or so before you even think of dating again. Use this me time to be more in control of yourself.

A year?! I don't think I could do a year. Maybe until the next school year. I know what I want and also what I want in a girl. It is just when I do meet that girl, she usually turns out the opposite of what I look for. First, I need to stay single and like you said not even attempt dating since I suck at that too. Haha From there I need to learn how to date without turning it into another relationship.

As you can tell I lack control.

Its funny because I was talking to my co-worker/friend about this and she immediately wanted to hook me up with her sister who is very beautiful. I just need to learn how to say NO.

Actually, by giving yourself a year you won't have to worry about finding a girl. Also by giving you time you will appreciate being single and being in control of your own life, so that next relationship won't go as bad and you'll learn how to behave, especially during a break up. You'll grow more wise, you'll be bound to be closer to your friends, and you will appreciate life much better.

My question is: Why do you "need" a girlfriend? If your answer is that you don't need one, then why is one year that long?

Well all through high school I only focused on myself. I went on dates and hung out with girls but never even bother to go anywhere beyond friendship. When I came to college I decided to enter a relationship. That is exactly what happened. 2 years later I broke up, and now I am a junior. I just want to date around and meet other girls to find out if what I want is truly what I want. I just want to explore. I had a long time to be single.

As long as you don't go into a full relationship from day one, we're all good. It's just that you need some self-control, so be cautious. Dating is fun actually but take your time.

As long as you don't go into a full relationship from day one, we're all good. It's just that you need some self-control, so be cautious. Dating is fun actually but take your time.

I agree with you 100%. I do need more self-control.

Well all through high school I only focused on myself. I went on dates and hung out with girls but never even bother to go anywhere beyond friendship.

I think once you heal fully, you'll get your groove back.

A4, guessed u jumped in real quickly, from seeing you suffering from the suffer and confusion of relationship, then out of no where you're dating again, its painful to love for your condition now, take some rest, you'll pay the price but the girls will still be there anyway. That's a 3rd person view, its time to heal again.

Ok so yesterday we met again to "finalize" the break up. After we did this I walked her home because it was dark and late. On our way home she wanted to go to a near by playground to think things through before going back home. It was midnight and the playground was secluded behind a school. I did not feel like she would be safe there alone so I went with her there.

From there the night went crazy. She admitted to me the secrets she would not tell me before. She told me how at age six her babysitter took sexually assaulted her. She said that it was all her fault because she did not say stop. This incident has caused her to do drugs, to drink until she blacks out, to feel insecure, introverted, cut herself, etc... She was crying and kept on blaming herself. To this day she has not told this to a therapist, parents, anyone besides one of her ex's and me. She said that I was the first boy in a very long time that she allowed to be physical with.

I tried so hard to tell her that it was not her fault. I told her how she cannot make a decision at age six to tell an older person to stop. I told her how at age six one doesn't know what sex even is. I talked and talked to her about this for a long time. I pleaded with her to talk to a professional because otherwise this will remain with her for the rest of her life. I told her how alcohol and drugs are only a short term solution and it only suppresses the problem instead of solves it. She told me how she will most likely go back to her ex who is a bad influence on her. He is a drug addict and drinks a lot. She told him what she told me and all he does for her is hug her as she cries. He does not push her into solving her problems.


I feel like because I broke up with this girl. She finally in a long time felt like she could date a man who genuine and a great match for her. I broke up with her thinking that she was just a typical college girl who "works hard and plays hard". Now I know why she does all these things.

I told her that I will be there for her when she needs someone to talk to. I will be hanging out with her more tonight to talk further about this. We have decided to remain friends and hopefully I will be able to help her get enough courage to talk to a professional.


What do I do? I feel terrible.

She told him what she told me and all he does for her is hug her as she cries. He does not push her into solving her problems.


So you think your going to save this patient, huh! You know what she needs?? I don't think so. Don't get sucked into that emotional trap, and think your going to fix her.

Back up, and think a bit before you act.

AE- she needs to see a therapist,and get professional help. She can't carry that awful abuse around forever so that's what you should suggest.
She should also tell her parents.

If true, certainly explains her sometimes self destructive lifestyle choices.

You can lead a horse to water, but..

She has to want help, to get help. Your in over your head here.

I'm all for helping people ( I volunteer a lot ), but she seems to try and control you. The thing is, personally, I have a hard time saying no to someone when they need help, it's my own weakness. For you though, I would say, stay friends with precaution, especially you.
I knew people who were also sexually assaulted when they were younger and they didn't turn to drugs to get better. She also needs to want to get better herself and not use this excuse to **** up her future.

Sounds very manipulative, but...

The best help you can offer her is to encourage her to seek counseling. Let the pro's help her. You can be there to support her as a friend, but as a friend there is only some much you can do.


You can lead a horse to water, but..


You can't make them drink.

There comes a time when people have to wake up and help themselves. Not one person on this planet can help her straighten up unless she wants to herself.

Be there as a friend, but make sure you don't get in to deep that you can't escape.

I'll give you an example of a situation I'm going through. A buddy of mine is a textbook alcoholic. He drinks from the time he wakes up, till the time he goes to sleep. Years ago, I noticed this and tried to get him to seek help. I've even refused to buy alcohol for him or hang out with him, until he straightens up. He's been arrested multiple times, each related to alcohol in some way. His relationships fail because the girls he dates get sick of his alcoholism.

He's been to numerous AA meetings and was at one time sober for a year, but then slipped up. I have stopped trying to help him. Now I just except that this is the way he is and that if he is going to get better, he has to do it on his own.

Thank you for all the insightful replies. I agree with you all that I should not get sucked in too deep into this. I just feel like there is nobody there right now to push her into the right direction and she cannot do it herself at this time. I am not looking to fix her because I myself do not know the proper way to do this. But, I do want to be there for her, and slowly lead her into the right direction which I believe to be therapy. But I cannot just let a person like that go.

Isn't this the same problem you had before? Not knowing when to let go??

Amazing how we repeat things until we learn. AE, trust me, she is not as helpless, and lost as she seems.

Frankly, she is very capable of making choices and getting what she wants from you. Heck, your still there after YOU dumped HER. How helpless is that?

So I should just let her go and watch her as she continues to harm herself?

It doesn't seem like she is willing to find help and nobody besides 2 people know her problem. How will she make a conscious decision to take a step towards healing herself?

My take is to be very prudent if you want to stay friend and don't get manipulated. You can help her but be conscious about it. The mere action of helping is good, some people actually need a little push to get over drugs or other problems.

I don't think both of you can move on or do any help in this situation you put yourself in, get her to talk to her parents/therapist about it and there u shall step back to your own life.. You have a problem to solve too, not just her, but u don't need her to solve your problems.

My take is you just let her go and watch out for yourself.

Your not a therapist- you can barely help yourself.
Your not a lover-even you knew something just ain't right,
Your not qualified to help her
She is needy-which is why she moved so fast.
She is deceptive- see below

Just a point, as when you walked her home out of concern for her safety, she didn't go home, because you would have left. Look at what happened instead, you had broken up, but can't just leave. Hmmm! Now your hooked, and have to stay, and "help her some more"

Come on guy, think.

My take is you just let her go and watch out for yourself.

Your not a therapis- you can barely help yourself. Awww :eek::D
Your not a lover-even you knew something just ain't right, What do you mean by this?

Your not qualified to help her Very true.
She is needy-which is why she moved so fast. True too I think.
She is deceptive- see below

Just a point, as when you walked her home out of concern for her safety, she didn't go home, because you would have left. Look at what happened instead, you had broken up, but can't just leave. Hmmm!! Now your hooked, and have to stay, and "help her some more"

Wow! I would have never thought of it this way. Thanks for breaking it down.

Come on guy, think.

Does everyone else agree with this, that I should take care of myself and let her go?

It's your own decision here. I'm neutral on this one.

As usual, I will save your day AE. You are having a hard time with this and Tal's advice is not clicking in your head and Paxe is neutral. Since you obviously want to help her and you don't want to simply let go then this is what you will do.

You will contact two professional therapists tomorrow. Get enough information regarding cost, location and duration of each session. Upon completion, you will contact the girl and give her this information. Tell her she should go to church as well. As soon as she has this information, that is more than enough and you have done your part and you can never feel guilty. This is helping her a lot and also you get to leave her alone at the same time which is exactly what she needs because with you around, she may get confused and have mixed signals. Do this ASAP tomorrow and save both your life and hers and move on!

Tal makes valid points let them sink in-my take is still,tell her ,once,that she needs to seek help,then leave it alone.
You broke up with her for good reasons,and I advice you to look after yourself and not take it upon you to try to 'save' somebody else.

You can't save people who don't want to save themselves. If she hasn't taken the initiative to help herself yet, it is going to take something drastic to make her wake up.

Back up for a few days so you have room to think without her influence.

Married guys refer to this as "going fishing" and you could benefit from the time away from her. Be nice if you actually do fish.

Ok, you all do make sense. I cannot help someone who does not want to help themselves but I can offer them the support if they ask for it. We have free counseling available to all students here at my university.

I have to go over there tonight because I have left a belonging of mine there. When I go to pick it up, I will just let her know to take advantage of the services and if she needs any further help that I will be there to support her and help her find the help she needs (aka a therapist).

Thankfully I have a vacation coming up real soon so I will be able to clear my head from this whole mess that I have been involved for the past 3 months or so. Not only will I go "fishing", I will sail around the world.

I just need a break from this whole mess I put myself into.

Ok, you all do make sense. I cannot help someone who does not want to help themselves but I can offer them the support if they ask for it. We have free counseling available to all students here at my university.

I have to go over there tonight because I have left a belonging of mine there. When I go to pick it up, I will just let her know to take advantage of the services and if she needs any further help that I will be there to support her and help her find the help she needs (aka a therapist).

Thankfully I have a vacation coming up real soon so I will be able to clear my head from this whole mess that I have been involved for the past 3 months or so. Not only will I go "fishing", I will sail around the world.

I just need a break from this whole mess I put myself into.

The joy of vacation after an intense final session, oh gosh, "it's better than sex!!" (stewie griffin, family guy).

Kidding aside, vacation will do you good. Relax, go do some sport, hang out with friends, and relax again without any worries.

You'd be amazed how much clearer everything seems after a holiday and some 'me-time'. Enjoy!

I am so glad everything is winding down. School is finishing up for the semester and all relationship problems are going away.

Today was a very introspective day. I was able to finally say to myself that I forgive my ex ex. I might not be a 100% over her but I am not angry at her anymore. Maybe what she did to me was not right in my mind but I should not be passing judgement.

Today is a fresh start. Time to learn how to deal with this single thing and get my life back on track.

Good job!

EVERYONE MUST LISTEN TO THIS SONG! 'Without You' By HINDER!! Listen to it NOW!

I am so glad everything is winding down. School is finishing up for the semester and all relationship problems are going away.

Today was a very introspective day. I was able to finally say to myself that I forgive my ex ex. I might not be a 100% over her but I am not angry at her anymore. Maybe what she did to me was not right in my mind but I should not be passing judgement.

Today is a fresh start. Time to learn how to deal with this single thing and get my life back on track.

Gosh, school's finished? Everybody does have it lighter than me :(.

No, school has not finished yet. I just said it was finishing up. We have one more week of exams to go and we will be done.

So, quick update. The break up has been very smooth. The other day I went to pick up my belonging that I left there and that was the last time we talked. I just told her that if she ever needs someone to talk to that I will be there for her. I did not want to talk any further since her roommates were all there.

Another funny thing happened too. I saw an old friend who is part of my original group of friends. We haven't seen each other ever since the break up from my first ex happened. She invited me to come hang out with her and couple other old friends at her place, which happens to be where my ex lives. I asked her if she was going to be home and my friend said she was out of town for the weekend. I was hesitant to go over there for several reasons but I really wanted to reconnect with the group.

I went over there and it felt just like old times. I had a really good time. Things have changed a lot in the group. Certain friends don't talk to each other anymore. Others have grown apart. New relationships have been formed, etc... It felt really weird being in the apartment itself because it brought back many memories of the ex. I ended up meeting this girl there and we just casually talked throughout the night. She ended up kissing me several times throughout the night. I was good though. I kept it at kissing only and did not go any further (not that I would ever do that unless I was in a relationship). Overall I had a great night. I hope I can continue reconnecting with my friends but that might not be possible since much of the time my ex will be there.

But I do have a confession to make. My gut still twists as I think about the first ex. She still makes me feel sad. The feelings are not as strong as they used to be and I deal with them very well but they are still there.

At my University we had the annual naked bike ride and I participated in it with a good friend. As her and I were running I saw my ex with a mutual friend of ours running next to each other. Talk about an awkward time. I just said hi and ran ahead. But either way, I am not over her and it bothers me.

Is reconnecting with my friends a good thing, even though it brings back memories of the ex?

Its been 3 months, at what stage should I be with my feelings?

How important are these friends to you? That's what you need to decide. As for memories of ex mark 1 don't they come and go regardless of who you're with or where you are?
There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to the length of healing period after a breakup; the more you focus on your own wellbeing the quicker you get there.

I really do not know how important they are to me. I would be perfectly fine without them but it is great to have a group of friends you can reconnect with. I know we cannot be friends like we used to be but it would be nice to see them once in a while. Tonight one of the girls is turning 21 so I am going with her and a few other people out to celebrate.

Then just play it by ear.
Enjoy your evening!

At my University we had the annual naked bike ride and I participated in it with a good friend. As her and I were running I saw my ex with a mutual friend of ours running next to each other. Talk about an awkward time.

Which part was awkward? The running naked in front of the whole university or seeing your ex? Please tell me it's the running naked :eek:!

Everything changes in life, some slower than others. The whole key is the adjustments you make to those changes.

People, places, and things will always stir past feelings, just as new memories will replace the old ones. Its normal as we learn, and grow through life.

Heck, I have one ex, or another, still haunting me from time to time, but who really has the time to really think about the why's and if's that the mind brings forward? I sure don't, just too busy, even now, years (decades) later.

Don't be so caught up in thoughts and feelings from the past, recent or not, because there is always something to do right here and right now.

Which part was awkward? The running naked in front of the whole university or seeing your ex? Please tell me it's the running naked :eek:!
Nope, actually it was seeing her. :D


Everything changes in life, some slower than others. The whole key is the adjustments you make to those changes.

People, places, and things will always stir past feelings, just as new memories will replace the old ones. Its normal as we learn, and grow thru life.

Heck, I have one ex, or another, still haunting me from time to time, but who really has the time to really think about the why's and if's that the mind brings forward? I sure don't, just too busy, even now, years (decades) later.

Don't be so caught up in thoughts and feelings from the past, recent or not, because there is always something to do right here and right now.

It is so strange. I meet many girls/women everyday. Whether it be meeting the in class, at a party, through friends, at work, etc... But no matter who I meet, talk to, hang out with, date, etc... I still think that my ex had these great qualities. Now, I am not even putting her on a pedistole. I am thinking very rationally.

She has great self-esteem, confidence, and integrity. She is very intellectual, can carry on a conversation, and works hard for her grades. Physically she was beautiful in every way. She is thin but not weak. She has a flat stomach but still has curves. Beautiful hair and gorgeous eyes. She is very adventurous and always was up for trying new things. She loves the arts and being outdoors. She even knows how to cook, is crafty, and very thoughtful. I know she will be a great mother one day and will have a successful career. I could go on and on for pages.

Now before I get berated, I just want to say that there are no emotions behind what I said above. This is purely thinking rationally. My chances of finding another girl with these qualities are almost slim to none I feel. I feel this way because I have met many girls who lack so many of those above qualities. Those qualities matter to me a lot. I do not look for all of them but there are some do I do look for. This is why I am having trouble moving on. I believe that I will not find another girl with those qualities. Once again I am not painting my ex as a perfect woman but I am strictly highlighting the qualities that stood out in her and how I feel not many women have all of those qualities.

This is just a rant though. I do not feel sad, emotional, etc... I am just processing this random information and thought I would write it down to help with my process.

You ran naked in front of people? Like they saw your penis? And your ex was running naked as well? Is this real?

This is one of the reason why you jumped into a new relationship: your insecurity. These qualities can be found in a lot of girls and trust you ARE putting her on a pedestal.

I suggest you put the emphasis on you instead of her. Use the attention you are getting to get your confidence up.

You ran naked in front of people? Like they saw your penis? And your ex was running naked as well? Is this real?

Yes please do explain it to us.

You ran naked in front of people? Like they saw your penis? And your ex was running naked as well? Is this real?

Yes, here at my University we have the naked bike ride/run the night before the exams. The police create a track using baricades that runs through the campus. All students come to watch and roughly 100 people or so do it during the winter and 500 or so during the spring semester. People did see my junk. Yes, my ex was running naked as well and yes this is real. Its an amazing time and it definitely is a confidence builder. This is my second time doing it. My first time I ran with my ex ex.

Hmm... so the girls you date don't mind being naked and showing off their body to everyone... this is strange. Don't people make fun of you? This is out of this world for me... lol I wish I were there to see your exs naked. Did you do this even while with your ex ex? Did your ex ex see you this time naked too?

A4Effort, man, reading your situation really gave me a lot of insight to my own situation. I've went through a lot of the same stuff you did. Broke up with my girlfriend this year. In college. Could not really talk about it with my roommates because while they are my friends, they aren't in the relationship mindset, they are in the hook up mindset, and don't really put themselves out there for heartbreak. I had a class with my ex, and had to sit on the other side of the room. I really found a lot of qualities in her that I couldn't find in most to all of the other women I have ever met in my life. She just wasn't in to a lot of that superficial, judgmental lifestyle too many people (guys and girls) get consumed by, and I liked that because I was/am the same way.

That being said, I'm over her, and still very angry at her, because I realized she used me. Maybe not in the classic sense that you see in pop culture, but she told me she would work on things that she didn't intend on working on just so she could keep me around for her own benefit.

So I have to say, reading your progress and seeing that you were, eventually, able to forgive your ex is encouraging, because while I don't think I can ever go back to being friends/knowing my ex, I don't want to harbor all these angry feelings about her. I'd rather just feel nothing. I want to forgive her but I can't.

So thanks man. I hope I can get to where you are, you're an inspiration.

hmm...so the girls you date don't mind being naked and showing off their body to everyone...this is strange. Don't people make fun of you? This is out of this world for me...lol I wish I were there to see your exs naked. Did you do this even while with ur ex ex? Did ur ex ex see you this time naked too?

People throw jokes here and there but nothing crazy. Its been a tradition here for a long time. The ex that I saw was my ex ex and I did this with her last spring semester. It's a very liberating thing.


A4Effort, man, reading your situation really gave me a lot of insight to my own situation. I've went through a lot of the same stuff you did. Broke up with my girlfriend this year. In college. Could not really talk about it with my roommates because while they are my friends, they aren't in the relationship mindset, they are in the hook up mindset, and don't really put themselves out there for heartbreak. I had a class with my ex, and had to sit on the other side of the room. I really found a lot of qualities in her that I couldn't find in most to all of the other women I have ever met in my life. She just wasn't in to a lot of that superficial, judgmental lifestyle too many people (guys and girls) get consumed by, and I liked that because I was/am the same way.

That being said, I'm over her, and still very angry at her, because I realized she used me. Maybe not in the classic sense that you see in pop culture, but she told me she would work on things that she didn't intend on working on just so she could keep me around for her own benefit.

So I have to say, reading your progress and seeing that you were, eventually, able to forgive your ex is encouraging, because while I don't think I can ever go back to being friends/knowing my ex, I don't want to harbor all these angry feelings about her. I'd rather just feel nothing. I want to forgive her but I can't.

So thanks man. I hope I can get to where you are, you're an inspiration.

For me it happened so randomly. I was walking to my class. I was thinking about the whole situation and how my anger was not doing any good to me. It was almost like a switch was flipped inside me. Does that mean that she cannot make me angry anymore? No, she probably could but what ever she does will really reflect on her character. I am still working on getting over the break myself but I feel like I have come a long way. This will happen to you too and when you do you will feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. It took a ton of screwing up on my part to learn some of these lessons but I finally got to the point where I am now. Good luck with your situation and you will come to the same place where I am now if not better.

I did some research on this so it is true... Did it affect you in any way to see your ex ex naked? How about everybody seeing her naked? You got to see a lot of girls' breasts bouncing?

I did some research on this so it is true...Did it affect you in any way to see your ex ex naked? How about everybody seeing her naked? You got to see a lot of girls' breasts bouncing?

Oh boy! There really isn't anything sexual about this event at all.
I really wasn't affected by my ex at all. I really didn't care that others saw her naked either. It just the human body and in this context there was nothing sexual about it. We just said hello to each other and that was it. I kept on running with my friend at that is all there is to it. You see a lot of naked people and a lot of people see you naked. I guess it all depends on how comfortable you are with your own body. It was a great night and like I said before there was nothing sexual about it.

Everybody has a way of having fun. I know back in canada you get one or three people doing it, but it's way too cold for that.

Wow... if I saw my ex naked I'd be staring for a while! Maybe your ex didn't have a great body... u just seem like its no big deal... I guess I take the human body a bit more serious and somewhat sacred and beautiful. Showing it off like that is nonetheless interesting but I don't see how one can be unaffected or act like its nothing and no big deal. I think it's a big deal and its awesome.

Wow...if I saw my ex naked I'd be staring for a while! Maybe your ex didn't have a great body...u just seem like its no big deal...i guess I take the human body a bit more serious and somewhat sacred and beautiful. Showing it off like that is nonetheless interesting but I don't see how one can be unaffected or act like its nothing and no big deal. I think its a big deal and its awesome.


My ex had a wonderful body but when I saw her that night I looked at her beauty not just her physical appearance. I saw her grace, stature, beautiful smile, curly long hair, kindness, humor, etc... It did affect me. It made me just realize what a beautiful girl she really is and how I wish we were still together. I do not think that her wanting to go out and seeing other people is wrong but it is how she executed it that I do believe is wrong. I still miss her. I still wish we were together. I could see us having a great life together but life is not a fairy tale always. I had to realize the hard way. I have learned many lessons from this that I will carry over into the next meaningful relationship when time comes. There is nothing that I can do nor would I want to, to get us back together.

I am single now. I can go out with friends. Enjoy my time meeting new people and just enjoying college. Staying together with a person throughout college is almost impossible and it takes certain two people to make it work. In my situation only one of us was committed. Is she a bad person for not committing? No, she is young, beautiful, and unexperienced. She has much to learn. Her and I came from 2 different walks of life and learned at different speeds. I enjoyed learning from her and learning what love is. I learned about myself a great deal. I learned things that I didn't even know about myself. But now I am moving on. I am slowly realizing that I will love again when I am ready. I also realize that what her and I had will never leave my heart but those emotions will diminish. I will keep the good times we shared for the rest of my life. She will not be forgotten. I know she will do great in life. I know she will find someone special and I wish her the best in life. Maybe, one day our paths will even cross and we might work on becoming friends.


Sorry, for the rant... I kind of went off topic.

Hey, I've had the same feelings you had for your girlfriend and its amazing how they can be. They share the same basic beliefs and are sexy and treat you the way you like and are a lot of fun. Then one day it all ends and comes crashing down. And now we look for the next airport with the next available flight so that we can be that high again and lift off from the ground. We will find that available flight. Right now we are packing and soon we will go into a few airports and shortly after we will find our flight. When packing, don't forget to bring your identification which will be a better you!

Umh, so I think I did it again.

So here is the story:
One night I was coming back from studying at the library and I saw a note on the door. A hallmate left a note on my door asking me if I could give her a ride to the store because she needed to get a few items for baking. So her and I went to the store and bought a few items. From there we got to talking about candles for some odd reason and decided to go the a Home Goods store. We randomly looked around, smelled candles, etc... but manily talked. We decided to go to the mall next to buy some chocolate covered gummy bears. Random, I know. We shopped around a little and decided to head back. From there she invited me to bake with her. So we did, we baked and continued getting to know each other. Afterwards we decided to watch a movie together. We watched Tristen & Isolde until 2a.m. During this day we talked about how I do bikrim yoga occasionally for stress relief. She really wanted to try it so I invited her to come with me. So, the next day we went to yoga together followed by lunch at a local sandwich shop. Later that day we ended up going to the library to study but all we did is talk. We ended up the night by watching some show online in her room. The next day we spent most of the day apart but we went to a tea house later that night. We talked for several hours before going home. On the way home we held hands and she hugged me right before going to bed. She thanked me for the last few days and asked me if she would see me the next day (today).


Now, I think she is into me but I am not completely sure yet. I really think she is a great girl and this time I know for sure that she does not have any baggage. All her friends tell me that she is a good girl. She does not drink, is smart, beautiful, etc... We have a TON in common. Now this just happened. I was not looking for this at all. One thing just led to another. We just clicked instantly. Vacation starts at the end of this week so her and I are going to be apart for a month. She lives in Maine which is roughly 6 hours away from where I live.



So what do I do? Do I just forget about her and continue staying single?



Oh and totally random fact. My ex told me that she is now dating a guy who plays in a heavy metal band. That is a complete 180 from me. Hope he makes her happy.

You bet your booty you stay single, as you have done nothing, it seems, but made a friend, and for all the talking, and attractions, there is a lot more to learn.

Keep things in perspective guy, based on past experience. It looks good on paper, but its only been a week? I would keep in touch over the phone, but hardly everyday, just to keep my life balanced with other things. You already know that too much to fast crash and burn, so why repeat that act again? Even if your ex is. What's the hurry?

Tal beat me to it and I can't rep him yet-but I agree. Why the hurry to get into yet another relationship? Make friends getting to know people-plural. Getting to know somebody takes time and it should/could be an interesting journey. Most of all get to the position where you feel happy being single.

You bet your booty you stay single, as you have done nothing, it seems, but made a friend, and for all the talking, and attractions, there is a lot more to learn.

Keep things in perspective guy, based on past experience. It looks good on paper, but its only been a week? I would keep in touch over the phone, but hardly everyday, just to keep my life balanced with other things. You already know that to much to fast crash and burn, so why repeat that act again? Even if your ex is. Whats the hurry??

I am not in a hurry at all. I just wondering if this is OK because everyone has been telling me to stay single for a good amount of time. I am not looking to start dating her but if there is mutual attraction then I do not see why not. Plus I would need to get to know her better. I already found out a great amount about her but I would need way more time before anything even happens. That is why I did not even try to kiss her or anything along those lines. I did find out that she had only one serious boyfriend before me that she was with for 4 years. He broke up with her over the summer and she tells me that she is over him. She seems to be over him too seeing how she talks about him.

If you don't want this girl to turn out like the last girl, then you just keep cool, have fun, and get to know her.

If your just going to go into all of this thinking with your little head, then you're setting yourself up for failure.


I did find out that she had only one serious boyfriend before me that she was with for 4 years. He broke up with her over the summer and she tells me that she is over him. She seems to be over him too seeing how she talks about him.


Going out with someone for 4 years and getting over them in 6 months is a feat. Since she is STILL talking about him means that she isn't a 100% over him. Her not being over her ex and now you coming in the picture sounds like a recipe for "confusion" to me.

Be careful with her and don't rush into to anything. Like I said before, just have fun being friends right now and getting to know her.

To all of us, it sounds like you're rushing into things already.

Tal beat me to it and I can't rep him yet-but I agree. Why the hurry to get into yet another relationship? Make friends getting to know people-plural. Getting to know somebody takes time and it should/could be an interesting journey. Most of all get to the position where you feel happy being single.

I agree. I think there is definitely a difference between the last girl and this new friend. With the last girl I was definitely trying to make something happen. I was trying to make her like me by showing her all my good qualities and trying to impress her. Right now, I am not trying anything. I am just talking to her as I would to any other girl.

I do have a month vacation coming up this week so I will have plenty of time to think things through, clear my head, and stay single.

Good idea. Stick with it.
Happy holidays!

Nothing changed in your situation except 2 weeks give or take. Reread the advice we gave you, they still apply and don't repeat the same mistakes.

If you don't want this girl to turn out like the last girl, then you just keep cool, have fun, and get to know her.

If your just going to go into all of this thinking with your little head, then you're setting yourself up for failure.



Going out with someone for 4 years and getting over them in 6 months is a feat. Since she is STILL talking about him means that she isn't a 100% over him. Her not being over her ex and now you coming in the picture sounds like a recipe for "confusion" to me.

Be careful with her and don't rush into to anything. Like I said before, just have fun being friends right now and getting to know her.

To all of us, it sounds like you're rushing into things already.

I agree with you completely. This one month break will do use both good. We introduced each other and now we can think clearly over break if this is something we want to continue pursuing. There is no way I am making the mistake again of falling into another relationship fast. I will continue being friends with her and see what happens from there. I will keep any intamacy out for a while because I do not want it to blur my mind. Right now, I enjoy the stage that her and I are in.

Also, this allows me to continue healing myself and enjoy my vacation.

Enjoy your holidays ands come back with a fresh mind.

Happy New Years to everyone!!
Just wanted to give you all an update:
So its been almost 4 months now since the break up. I do not think of her as often but she still crosses my mind once in a while. When this does happen its very brief and I do not let it control my day. For Christmas I sent her a quick text wishing her a merry christmas but she never replied which is fine by me. I have been relaxing, hanging out with friends, and working. I really needed this vacation and its helping me a great deal. I am single and I even was able to kindly reject an offer from this great girl.

But something did happen right before vacation.

So I was minding my own business. I swore to myself previously that I would stay single for a while before doing anything else. I came home one night to find a note on my door. The noted asked me if I could give this girl from my floor a ride to the grocery store to buy some baking supplies. Now I have only seen this girl in passing and never really talked to her. Since I didn't have much to do that night I voluteered to drive her. We went to the store together and started talking. From there we decided to go to another store, followed by the mall. We both had some free time so we just hung out and kept on talking with each other. From there we went home and baked together and finished the night off with a movie. The next day we went to yoga together followed by lunch. We then went to the library together to study for exams but ended up talking all night. On the third day we went to a tea house and spent 3 hours talking. On the last day before she had to go home for break we decieded just to hang out in my room and draw. We decided to draw the pictures for each other. We drew each other really cute pictures and kissed (how we got there is really cute but kind of long but I can describe it if you all want me to). The next the she left for home as I was finishing up my last exam. When I came back I found a cute note wishing me a great vacation. Over break so far we talked several times on the phone (2-3 times for 4 hours), texted each other every day, and skyped last night for almost 6 hours!

She is a great girl, she does not drink, only had one boyfriend for 4 years, and is very intelligent. I have learned a lot by talking to her. I am really glad that we are far apart and talk over the phone/skype because that is allowing us to learn a great deal about us. My favorite part about this whole thing is that it happened so randomly. I was not looking for anyone and had no intentions beyond helping out a floor mate. We hit it off right away and it seems that we have a mutal attraction towards each other.

I do not know what will happen of this but I am not really concerned with it. I will let things just happen. It would be great if we started seeing each other but if we become friends that would be great too. I do not know if this is the right thing to do but I feel like that I need to let life take its course.


So, do you think that I should let things continue taking its course or continue staying single? I would be completely happy with both. I enjoy the time I have to myself but I also feel attracted to this new girl.

Of course you are, as kissing, and spending more and more time together always intensifies the attractions between two people. The trick is to stay independent, enjoy the time, but keep a healthy balance in your life. At least not get so carried away by initial attractions that you stop paying attention to your whole world, and stop being objective about REALITY!!

Balance, and an independent life is what you need to be happy. That gives you time to process your feelings, and not be blinded by "love".

Back in the day, I was thought to be a player, just because I loved to be single, and free to date whomever I wanted, and that's what I did. Some girls can't, or don't want to deal with a guy like that, and that's okay. I never worried much about them, some ended up as friends. Some did not. But I had a great time getting to know the ones that, like me, dated for good clean adult fun, as friends. When I say friends, I mean not leading people on after a few good times, by kissing or sex, to early on, so the 3 date goodnight kiss was out.

Set your own rules, and boundaries for good behavior, stay within them, and enjoy yourself. Not only is it important for you to not get carried away by feelings, you don't let them get carried away either. So say only what you mean, and mean exactly what you say.

Going with the flow is fine, but always have a paddle, so you can adjust your own course, or slow the flow down.

Letting a female get to close, to fast, is something you can control, and should, no matter the attraction. To not to, is what players do, and that selfish.

If you can't control yourself, you will never control your situation, so give all actions some thought, before hand.

As Tal says,think before you act. There's no hurry,take your time getting to know people,make friends with them and date for fun-dont rush.

If you can't control yourself, you will never control your situation, so give all actions some thought, before hand.

I agree with your entire post but this last sentence is something I often think about. I make sure everything that comes out of my mouth is genuine and I make sure that it is appropriate.

I learned a lot from this last relationship aka rebound. :rolleyes:
I learned about the importance of not rushing into things. That is why I enjoy the distance between us. It allows us to get to know each other without allowing attaraction (kissing, etc... ) to cloud our judgement. Also, if we are both still interested in each other after a month of talking then I feel that there is a connection of some sort.

But is it friendship after a month? Those physical attractions are so intense sometimes.

I use to lust after all the ladies, so I got to understand how blinding they could be. Those farts that use to smell like perfume, really started to stink, hence taking your time is the way to go and don't give a rats patoot what others may want from you.

I have to add the beginning is always perfect and intense. That's what we like about new attractions, they make us feel good. But for how long?

As Tal says,think before you act. There's no hurry,take your time getting to know people,make friends with them and date for fun-dont rush.

I feel like that I am still learning how to date. I do not think I know the meaning of it completely since every time I go on a date I try to figure out if the person is "girlfriend worthy."

But is it friendship after a month? Those physical attractions are so intense sometimes.

I use to lust after all the ladies, so I got to understand how blinding they could be. Those farts that use to smell like perfume, really started to stink, hence taking your time is the way to go and don't give a rats patoot what others may want from you.

Well, I really do not know if it is a friendship. I mean I never asked her on a date to begin with. Things just kind of happened. Sometimes I feel like it is but other times I think there is more. I am not hoping for anything and I am definitely not working towards a relationship. Instead I am talking to a girl who is very interesting. We have way tooooooooo much in common hence why I feel we get along together well. I am just spending time with her and enjoy getting to know her. If we start dating as a result of this I would be very happy. If we became friends I would be equally happy.

I used to let my heart guide me. I used to listen to it completely without any rational thinking. I used to think that love was purly a feeling that you get when you meet someone for the first time. I did not believe it to be a feeling that you develop after a certain amount of time. For me I believed in the fairytales where the prince meets his princess and they ride away into the sunset. No problems, no work needed to make the relationship functional, or anything else along those lines.

Then you date more girls and learn how to date. Adjust your expectations.

Then you date more girls and learn how to date. Adjust your expectations.

Well, if dating is just going out with someone to have fun and not have any other expectations what is the difference between dating and going out with a friend?

Some people you date once or twice and then you realise there is not even a future friendship there. Others you date and you become friends, and some you date and fall in love with. Getting to know,and I mean really get to know someone takes time. Again,thinking before acting and getting carried away is a good thing.

what is the difference between dating and going out with a friend?NONE!! We humans have a tendency to romanticize taking a pee. Imagine what we do with a fellow human we are interacting with, and having a blast!!

(especially if she is cute, and smells good)

The only hard thing about this situation is not to think past friendship. She seems very compatible with me in many ways, even more so than my first true love.

You don't know that,as you don't really know her yet. That's you coming from the I wish I had a girlfriend position.

You don't know that,as you don't really know her yet. That's you coming from the I wish I had a girlfriend position.

I would not say that. I do not wish I had a girlfriend. It would be nice and I most likely would not say no if that is something she wanted. I understand that there is more to learn about her but her and I have spent many hours so far talking.

She only had one boyfriend for 4 years. He broke up with her and decided to start drinking heavily and mack freshman girls (him being junior). I am big on commitment since I am a commitment type myself. I though my first love was a commitment person but I found out later on that she was not. I could list the 100+ things that we have in common but I feel like you get the point. It is too soon to say anything and her and I might just end up friends. But I am interested in exploring this some more and seeing where it can end up.

I though my first love was a commitment person but I found out later on that she was not.

And in time you will find out the same about this one, whether she is a commitment person, AND whether you are compatible on many levels. It takes time, even though it looks good early, it may not be the case later.

But I am interested in exploring this some more and seeing where it can end up.
LOL, that's exactly what Amicon was saying, your already exploring the possibility of more, because you do want her to be a girlfriend.

Lower the bar of expectations buddy, is she fun. That's more than enough to explore.

But I am starting to see your problem here, you take your female friends one at a time, but I never did. Thus my rule,

Date them all, fat, short, skinny, or tall, 18 to 80, blind, cripple, or crazy!!!!

It was never about exploring for more later, but sharing good times with a fun person that happened to be a friend.

Fun, not romance, or the potential of MORE!!!!! Now go buy a nice female lunch. Or take one bowling, or darts, you know, nice clean, adult fun. Have a blast!

Yeah, I see what you are saying Tal but I still don't get it. I have many female friends whom I do these above mentioned activities with (lunch, yoga, bowling, etc... ). I love to have fun with a person of the opposite sex but I feel like when I date someone I try to figure out if they are compatible with me. I do this to see if we can get involved in a relationship. Even relationships I take seriously because the I see the girl in the relationship as a potential for a future wife. I have no idea why I think this way because I am only 21. It is a stupid way to think and I probably need to change this way of thinking. I always ask myself why bother dating this girl if you do not see being with her for a while. I don't necessarly mean for life but long enough for it to be meaningful.

I can do all those things you have mention with my female friends. I guess I just do not understand.

You will, practice makes perfect.

Ok so I do have another question. My ex and I never exchanged our belongings. I gave her many gifts (jewelry, clothes, sentimental items, etc... )

I do not want any of that back except for a taekwondo sweatshirt that has my name on it. It means a great deal to me and has a lot of sentimental value. Also, I want a necklace that I gave her as a gift. It too has a lot of sentimental value and I do not want it back for any other reason. I have given her tons of jewelry (1k necklace, etc... ) So I do not want it because because of the monetary value.

So I sent her an email asking her politely if I could receive those two items back. She sent me an email back saying that she has no problem giving me back those 2 items but she is confused about the necklace. She said it was a gift and does not understand why I want it because because she knows that I have given her tons of expensive presents. She does not understand why I would not want the other belongings back. So I sent her an email back telling her that she has every right to keep the necklace because it was a gift. I told her that those 2 items have special meaning for me and did not want to go any more in depth than that. She said she will be glad to give them back when school starts.



Besides that, I cannot believe how far apart we are now. We do not communicate anymore (my choice), there are no visible feelings towards each other, or anything else. I cannot believe how she just moved on like that. No pain, no nothing. I suffered to get to the point where I am at now. She on the other hand feels nothing. It seems so cold to me. I feel so used for those 6 months. I feel I was just used as an object. I mean I understand that relationships fizzle out, I understand that people change, and everything else. But I cannot understand how someone can just let go, move on in a week, and be so cold towards me.

I used to wish that I could just tear her a new one and just tell her how I really feel about how she let me go. But I knew it wouldn't do a damn thing for either of us. Its so weird because she has this damn ability to always make me the one at fault. Every time I felt that she did something wrong I ended up being at fault. She always competed with me. She always wanted me to be around but she wanted her freedom. She wants to explore herself and not be bound by anyone. That is what she told me. But look, a week later she became tied down to a heavy metal band member. HEAVY METAL?! That is the biggest 180 you can make from me. Im sure he is a nice guy but damn!

Sorry I needed to went. I am not even angry. I am just analyzing and I cannot figure it out. Life is strange but I am glad I am where I am.

What's really up with you A4?

I feel the same wayyyy!!

Whats really up with you A4?

What do you mean?

Where did this anger, and sudden need to get some "stuff" back from her come from? Its been quite a few months now. I don't buy the sentimental value of a t-shirt, and a gift given during better times, as justifying contact after all of a sudden.

I agree with Tal, since I've been gone for awhile I had to back read, but a T-shirt at the price of breaking NC, I don't see how it has any meaning. My stance has always been, if it wasn't important enough to get back at the very beginning of the break up, it isn't that important.

Where did this anger, and sudden need to get some "stuff" back from her come from? Its been quite a few months now. I don't buy the sentimental value of a t-shirt, and a gift given during better times, as justifying contact after all of a sudden.

I just reread what I wrote last night. I think my emailing her was a way to let her know that she is out of my life. She got off so easy because I initiated NC and didn't tell her anything. She got off easy. I wish I could have at least told her how I felt and to put it bluntly "bi**h her out." it makes me angry that she could just do that to me and not face any consequences such as regretful emotions, sadness, etc...

I think that is why I sent her the email because it is my way to let her know that I never want her in my life again. I am not one to get angry, yell, or have verbal fights but with this situation I would just want to voice my anger to her. I know it wouldn't help anyone but I still want to do it for some unknown reason.

My way of telling my ex that she was out of my life was not speaking to her anymore. It usually conveys the image pretty well. Think about it this way, would you e-mail someone that you haven't talked to in months that you are no longer speaking to them? If you got an e-mail from an old friend that you had a falling out with, telling you that they are informing you that they are no longer talking to you. What would go through your head about them?

So has the anger been there all the time? Or if not how come it's resurfaced? And having broken NC.how does that make you feel?

Rome you are right. It does not make any sense.


So has the anger been there all the time? Or if not how come it's resurfaced? And having broken NC.how does that make you feel?

I think the anger has been there all along but it has been suppressed. I really don't feel any different having broken no contact. It does not make me sad. It really hasn't change me. I think if I broke no contact by telling her that I miss her then it would be a different story. But I just asked her for some items back. I am the type of person that has difficulty forgiving someone once they have hurt me. Also, I am a perfectionist. I think those two combinations make me feel this anger.

It is strange because I have no feelings towards her anymore. I do not miss her. I do not want her back. I am completely fine being single. But I guess I am being revengeful and I want her to feel how I felt. This does not sound like the right thing to do and I know for sure I will never show my anger towards her but this anger will not disappear for some reason. Why do you think that is?

She hurt you,played you and insulted you not once but twice-I'd be angry too! I'm not saying forgive her but try to channel the anger into something constructive cause if it remains suppressed it'll stay with you longer. Sometimes just allowing ourselves to feel and acknowledge the anger helps.
And as you say, there's no point expressing it to her-you should stick to NC again,of course.

Well I feel "anger" from time to time because I still believe my ex didn't understand the full extent of what she has done.

My best revenge is to live my life fully without them. Go back to NC and this time stick to it.

Better late than never I supposed, now back to NC! What's done is done.

She hurt you,played you and insulted you not once but twice-I'd be angry too! I'm not saying forgive her but try to channel the anger into something constructive cause if it remains suppressed it'll stay with you longer. Sometimes just allowing ourselves to feel and acknowledge the anger helps.
And as you say, there's no point expressing it to her-you should stick to NC again,of course.

Exactly! I just need to figure out a way to control/get rid if this anger because I feel like it is the only thing left that is tying me to her still.

Any suggestions?

You already do loads of sports etc? Could you add another-kickboxing works for some people I know.

In addition,ask yourself if you're angry with yourself as well-for allowing yourself to want to be in a relationship that you on some level knew was wrong for you-and for her.. .

You already do loads of sports etc? Could you add another-kickboxing works for some people I know.

In addition,ask yourself if you're angry with yourself as well-for allowing yourself to want to be in a relationship that you on some level knew was wrong for you-and for her. . . .

Yes, taekwondo definitely helps with relieving the anger. But all that does for me is relieve the anger for that moment.

Just like you said, I need to look deeper at this issue. Part of me does blame myself for allowing her to come back and hurt me. Another part is that it bothers me how I was blind to all this. It is a lesson learned and I hope I do not make the same mistake again. I guess more time will reduce my anger but acknowledging the issue is important.

Yes that's true-look into that and sort out what belongs to whom and why.

I think your mad at yourself, so forgive yourself.

I think your mad at yourself, so forgive yourself.

Partially. I guess there is still some more for me to process.

But, those who have followed my process, where do you think I am at right now? What stage?

I am asking this because I have continued talking to this new girl for the last few weeks. We have been having 6-7 hour conversations almost every other night. We have asked each other almost every question there is and both have talked about potentially taking a more serious step. We both agree that we still need to spend more time together to see if we are compatible and we both agreed to take things slow. I do not want to enter into a relationship without baggage so I need to know if I have moved on. I feel as if I have but I cannot really trust myself with this because it has bitten me in the butt in the past.

I do not know if I am the type of guy to date around a lot. I have tried it and I do not know if this is something I enjoy.

The events with the ex, is enough proof that you still carry baggage and it looks like yet again you're starting something to fast.

Are we seeing a pattern yet? I sure am.

Tal is right, it does seem a pattern. What I am wondering is, why do you want to start a new relationship so fast? You have been in a very long relationship, you NEED your time alone for your own sake. You need to find yourself again, you need to be in control of your emotions, you need to be happy alone.

From what I see you don't seem 100% happy and you're still thinking about your ex. Take care of yourself first. I believe that people should stay intentionally single for a good part of their life, so that they can learn to be without anybody else. It will help you become more independent, be closer to your friends and make you more sociable.

You need more time on your own,as you still have issues to work through from your breakup. It's as simple as that.

Tal is right, it does seem a pattern. What I am wondering is, why do you want to start a new relationship so fast?.

Well I was not even looking for a relationship when I met this new girl. It just happened. I didn't try anything to make it turn out like it did. It just progressed on it's own. After I broke things off with the last girl I vowed to myself to stay single until next school year unless something happened on it's own. This is one of those situations. It went from a little note that asked if I could drive her to the store to where we are now. I do want to continue exploring this. I did not look for this because I was lonely.

A4Effort,

You're absolutely right. Things just do sometimes happen. You'll be going along in life and something unexpected and fun comes along. This new girl seems to be a nice distraction but 6-7 hours even once a week seems a bit much. While I'm sure you're taking things slow and enjoying the time you spend with this new girl, I recommend sticking with the routines you were doing before you met this girl and dial back on the attention you're giving her a bit. As everyone is pointing out you still have some baggage leftover that needs to be taken care of before you can give an honest effort to a new relationship.

Refocus your efforts and concentrate on yourself - in my experience the best relationships develop not only from a good solid friendship but also both your and your partner's emotional availability and you're admittedly not quite there yet.

Yes, what you have said does make a lot of sense. I will continue focusing on myself and reduce the time I spend with her. Do you think I should continue seeing her or just reduce the time I spend with her?

If you enjoy her company, there's no reason not to continue seeing her in a friend capacity. Just tone down the frequency a bit, leave the relationship possibility out of the picture for now, and continue what you were doing before you met her - what were you doing with your time before you started talking to her for hours? Concentrate on keeping busy with your life there will be plenty of time for a potential relationship in the future.

If you continue to follow NC with your ex, focus on investing this time in yourself, and most importantly learn how to be happy by yourself, I guarantee there will be a day where you will be emotionally free and ready for a relationship again if you follow these steps. As a nice little side effect, you'll even be a better catch too!

I believe in you bud. :)

You suffer from high expectations, and can be frustrated when they are not met. I think you make a conscious effort at friends, and actively explore other friendships. Friends don't go kissing on each other, and does send a bad signal to your friend.

Do you think I should continue seeing her or just reduce the time I spend with her?
Do other things besides be with her as without balance you will find yourself overly attached very quickly... AGAIN!

Just tone down the frequency a bit, leave the relationship possibility out of the picture for now, and continue what you were doing before you met her - what were you doing with your time before you started talking to her for hours?


Thank you Ducky. Your answers are very much appreciated.

To answer your question:
I still do all the same things that I did before I met her. I still work my 3 jobs, attend school, practice martial arts, work in a psychology lab, work for the University news paper, hang out with friends, etc... I think I am getting a bit tired of investing all my time into my work. I usually have to pick work over relationships or friendships but that is purely my choice. I tend to take on quite a bit of work and I really enjoy it because it makes me feel fulfilled. But just as you said, I do need to balance her and the rest out. I do need to tone it down a bit more. When I find someone who I think I could be involved with I tend to spend a lot of time and energy into exploring it.

The fact that this just happened the way it did makes me so intrigued. I really think it is cute the way we met and I really enjoy how we both seem to be on the same level in every way. To be really honest though, I do not know if I can just remain friends with her. I know I can try to take things slow and I really want to take this path. But I just don't know how long I need to wait. I read some people take a very long time and some get over it fast. In my own mind I know where I am but sometimes I cannot trust myself in this judgement because as many of you have pointed out before things can look different. Also, I also feel that I just need to take a plunge and just go for it. I have made mistakes but I believe that those mistakes were very valuable. They have taught me much about myself and relationships.

So should I just take a risk, knowing what the outcome could be?

You suffer from high expectations, and can be frustrated when they are not met. I think you make a conscious effort at friends, and actively explore other friendships. Friends don't go kissing on each other, and does send a bad signal to your friend.

Do other things besides be with her as without balance you will find yourself overly attached very quickly.........AGAIN!

Yes Tal, I agree. I do have high expectations for others as I do for myself. Especially people who are close to me. I do not externalize these expecations but I always think about them in my head. But I feel that this is another issue that could be discussed on its own.

I will find my balance so that I do not become overly attached. That is one thing I learned from the last girl. I've been on vacation lately so during the nights I really do not have much to do so her and I tend to talk until the morning hours. But I feel once school starts things will go back to its usual routine. The only thing that worries me is that her and I live on the same floor and will be very close to each other which could cause some problems.

So should I just take a risk, knowing what the outcome could be?

Good things come to those who wait - it applies here too even though we're not talking about ketchup! Its apparent that you're quite fond of this girl and you two, at least from what you've said so far, click pretty well. I understand the desire to explore the possibilities, but what's the rush? Are you trying to fill a void in your life with this girl? How do you honestly feel about your ex? Do you think you're being fair to this girl pursuing a possible relationship if you're not completely over your ext? Think about these questions and be honest with yourself.

I'm not going to tell you what to do either way, that's ultimately your decision and you'll have to live with it. What I can tell you though is that you should consider the possible outcomes thoroughly. Harvesting your veggies that you worked hard to grow too early will net you smaller, less tasty veggies. Let them ripen though, and you'll find yourself with the yummiest, tastiest veggies in the world! It's all about if you're willing to sacrifice a possible long term relationship with instant gratification or not. If you can be patient and bide your time, the rewards will be worth it - it will also help you see clearer what kind of person she really is and allow you to offer the best of yourself if you choose to.

The choice is yours.

Hi, this is my first time writing on your thread. After reading your posts I would advise a slow approach. If she is as into you as you are into her than she'll understand about taking more time. She would probably appreaciate it because it would show how much you value your relationship.

"I also feel that I just need to take a plunge and just go for it." I understand feeling like this. The beginning of a relationship is very exciting, you have all those lovely dramatic feelings. But why not extend out this period instead of rushing it. Since you seem to take relationships pretty seriously. And since you invest a lot (time, effort etc) into them. It could be smart to take the time to see what you are investing in before plunging in.

Getting to know each other is important for laying out the foundations of any relationship. Don't rush it.

Hey A4Effort, you are a smart guy. I say we live once and if you really like this girl then do your thing. Just hang out like once a week for now and have good times. Try not doing too much. I did a lot very fast and we were done within a year. I am very hyper and I love to stay busy and do things a lot. I know you are active in life as well. You will be fine. Don't over analyze things too much and I say go for it but take your time. Balance every night with good music how great life is. Think of your goals and bettering yourself because after all a lucky girl will you some day. Put some good music on and just focus on your life and love what you have and think of what can improve and do it the next day. We are both young. Think of this. The more you better yourself and solve your issues now the better you will be by 28... Then think that there is a girl also doing the same out there. That sounds like a great relationship. I say overall have fun and leave the drama. One life to live. Have a blast and don't think too much. Enjoy your youth!

Thank you Ducky. Your posts are very insightful and really do help with my thought process.


I understand the desire to explore the possibilities, but what's the rush?
There should not be any rushing at all. I do need to take things slow and continue with my life. Meeting her should only be an addition/bonus to my life, not the center of attention.


Are you trying to fill a void in your life with this girl?
I do not think so. I am genuinely interested in getting to know this woman. With the last girl, I filled a void with using her. I was scared to be alone and needed someone by my side. The second we started dating I knew that she was not for me and that I took things too fast. With this girl its different because I have learned from the last one what not to think/act. The new girl and I are in the same boat. Her ex of 4 years broke up with her during the summer and mine broke up with me at the beginning of the school year. We both agreed on taking things slow and just see where this goes. We have not committed to anything and both have told each other what we need (space, etc.. ).


How do you honestly feel about your ex? To be completely honest I feel that I am over her. I do not love her anymore, I do not miss her, and I am completely fine without her. I do have some anger at times at her because of what she did to me twice. But as we have previously discussed I am mad at myself for letting her back into my life. I appreciate the good times her and I had but I also can see the negatives as well.


Do you think you're being fair to this girl pursuing a possible relationship if you're not completely over your ex?
No, I do not think it is fair to pursue a relationship with this girl. But, I do think continuing getting to know her is fair. She knows where I am in my process and I know where she is in hers.



I do not want my second semester to mirror the first semester. I do not need the emotional stress. That is why I think I will pick the middle route. Thank you for all the opinions. I will continue getting to know her. I will continue to live my life and not let this new girl be the center of attention. Just as someone said, if she likes me as much as I like her then she will wait for me.

Does anyone else have any input?
Do you think this is a safe path to take?

Hmm-on condition you stick to the slow building of a possible friendship and think before you act.
And make sure that the two of you are on the same page in the same book.
Otherwise you may well end up with a rerun of last semester's mess.

Glad I could help :)

I agree with amicon here, as long as you've taken the time to think about the situation and not rush into things, which to me at least it appears that you have, I think you'll be fine. If I was in your position, I would focus on my schoolwork and make it pretty much my number one priority. Nothing sucks more than trying to get ready for a final and all you can muster is the will to not cry after getting dumped or losing someone.

Emotions, especially those involved with feeling like you're falling for someone, are extremely powerful and often overpower our logic. I recommend that you keep this in the back of your head stay focused. Otherwise, enjoy the time you do spend with this girl and good luck... remember, it's the quality and not the quantity that counts!

So, I took everyone's advice. I focused on my things and didn't talk to her much at all for the last week and a half. She sent a text here and there and that was about it. So tonight she sends me a text saying that she does not think it will work out. She says she wants to stay single, etc... blah blah blah...

I know what to do. Stay single... blah blah... work on myself... blah blah blah... etc...

I know that this too will go away and I will be fine but come on.

This pisses me off. Why can't I just move on like my first love did. She had a boyfriend within a week and she is still with him (I think). Here I am trying and every girl I meet something goes wrong. This one is not ready for a relationship. The other one was a psycho. Screw this.

I know. I asked myself that same question over and over before. After my breakup I tried it all - I did the internet dating thing for awhile and I even went on blind dates through friends. I connected with some, others not so much, but in the end it was still all the same - I felt very empty. It was only then I realized I myself was solely responsible for my own happiness.

I feel your frustration bud, I really do. It seems like she moved on at the drop of a hat but in reality she's been pondering and thinking about it for quite some time - she's had the luxury of emotionally detaching herself from the situation. And now this other girl comes along and you get that bit of happiness and it turns out to be nothing after all. (Something very similar happened to me recently by the way.. met this girl but it just didn't work out.)

Feel free to keep coming here to vent though because I know it helps some. You know what to do.

I feel as if I need to continue doing this in order to learn what really love is. I know what I am about to say will sound pessimistic but I feel as if its true. When you first start getting involved in serious relationships you do not have a clue as to what love is. Then you experience your first true love and everything is grand. Then the break up comes and you experience the pain that so many have felt. From there your idea of love gets distorted. You think of love in a more logical and rational way. The doves fly away, the dreams turn to reality, cloud 9 sinks to the earth, and the little guy with the love arrows flies away. As you start dating again and experiencing new relationships you experience love differently. No more love at first sight. Its more about having similarities. Love becomes defined by concrete ideals such looks, finance, commonalities, etc... You try to see if you are "compatible." Love becomes the composition of many little commonalities. The more you date, the more you get hurt, the more you think logical. So why bother? I know I can make myself happy. I know I can be single and be OK with it. Why do we continue to love? We can be around with friends to share our feelings, we can go to a movie to make ourselves laugh, we create art to express ourselves, and we can read books to gain knowledge.

I miss the days where "true love" roamed through my head. I miss being ignorant when it came to knowing what love meant. I can tell that I have not grown up yet. I can tell that I have much to learn. I can even tell myself that everything will be all right. But it still sucks. It is still frustrating when you put yourself out there. When you finally hear your heart beating louder because you get excited every time you hear her voice.

Do you think you might be trying too hard to find love? Just a question to guide your thought process.

I think this goes along with the loss of innocence is that people's ideas on love change. It's not innocence in the sense of purity, but more on the innocence of ignorance. The first love, you usually have no idea what you're doing. Some get lucky and get it right the first time, but others have to continue on the "go around". Each time, you lose a bit of that innocence as ignorance, get a closer idea on what true love really is.

But what I suggest to you is to not fret so much about it, and just go out and have fun. Don't search for it, for it may never come that way.

And also, you shouldn't compare your experience to your ex's. First of all, you have no idea how good/bad their relationship is. She could just be wasting time, looking for something better to come along, or she could be cheating on him... one never knows. Secondly... it's unhealthy and means you're still holding on...

Who cares what other people are doing. Some people can get over an ex, and take the appropriate steps that come with that more quickly than others. Instead of comparing out, look within, and find what is true for you. Stick to that. If you're not ready, you're not ready. I know that I'm fairly certain that I do not want a relationship for awhile. I'm content with being alone in solitude, I've got great friends, and I'm not going to settle into another relationship if it's not going to do me any good. I think you need to think introspectively on this for awhile, and then just go out and have fun. Start living your life.

Do you think you might be trying too hard to find love? Just a question to guide your thought process.

I think so. I do not know why. The thing is I do not feel alone when I am single. Well that may be a lie from time to time but for the most part its true. I am so busy (full time college student, 3 jobs, martial arts training, psychology lab, student newspaper, photographer, etc.. ) that I am always busy. I am very extroverted and always have friends around when the time is appropriate. I can stay in and read a book alone and I can also be dancing away the night on a dance floor. I just do not know why I am this is so important to me. Maybe it has something to do with my parents and their divorce. I don't know.

Thank you Yosomoton for the question.

Haha well then stop it. You seem like you have a lot going for you, and a lot of stuff on your plate as well. You're going to be fine. Just take a chill pill and relax.

I mean, still go out and dance, and do the things you do. But you don't have to be searching for a soul mate, especially in college. I'm graduating soon, and I see all of these girls and guys who... really have no business together based on their histories and past experiences, really being pressured into marriage after graduation. I think of all of these, 2-3 may last through the engagement.

Just be real and set reasonable expectations for yourself. There shouldn't be any pressure to go out and find a mate. Go out and have fun.

I feel as if I need to continue doing this in order to learn what really love is. I know what I am about to say will sound pessimistic but I feel as if its true. When you first start getting involved in serious relationships you do not have a clue as to what love is. Then you experience your first true love and everything is grand. Then the break up comes and you experience the pain that so many have felt. From there your idea of love gets distorted. You think of love in a more logical and rational way. The doves fly away, the dreams turn to reality, cloud 9 sinks to the earth, and the little guy with the love arrows flies away. As you start dating again and experiencing new relationships you experience love differently. No more love at first sight. Its more about having similarities. Love becomes defined by concrete ideals such looks, finance, commonalities, etc.....You try to see if you are "compatible." Love becomes the composition of many little commonalities. The more you date, the more you get hurt, the more you think logical. So why bother? I know I can make myself happy. I know I can be single and be ok with it. Why do we continue to love? We can be around with friends to share our feelings, we can go to a movie to make ourselfs laugh, we create art to express ourselves, and we can read books to gain knowledge.

I miss the days where "true love" roamed through my head. I miss being ignorant when it came to knowing what love meant. I can tell that I have not grown up yet. I can tell that I have much to learn. I can even tell myself that everything will be alright. But it still sucks. It is still frustrating when you put yourself out there. When you finally hear your heart beating louder because you get excited every time you hear her voice.

The idea of love spans across many cultures. There are countless poems, stories, and other forms of art that seek to describe, explain, and express it. You're certainly not the first to wonder what love really is, and you will not be the last either.

It is true that while our own experiences over time will define and shape what we see love to be, I would hardly describe this process as distorting it. Through these experiences, we reach different stages of understanding of what love means to us and it is at these deeper levels of understanding where we see the true beauty and amazingness (yup, just made that word up) of what love really is as well as gain a greater appreciation of it. Let me put it this way - I would GLADLY give up the shallow understanding of love I had when I was younger and naïve any day of the week compared to what I know now. When you reach the same level of understanding, you'll know exactly what I mean. They say ignorance is bliss - but in reality I say that people don't know what they're missing out on... :cool:

Why bother you ask? Why date and get hurt? It's quite simple really. I date, but I don't get hurt because I have zero expectations. I have a very fulfilling life as it stands right now, and will continue to - regardless of who enters and leaves my life. Dating helps people identify traits which they would appreciate in having in a potential partner. In fact, the way I see it every girl I date is a step closer to finding someone who I can share my life with on a more long term basis.

So, how can I learn to go on a date and have zero expectations?

If I go on a date and start to like the girl, I instantly start to have expectations of something more. Aka relationship.


How do I turn this off?




Oh and this is totally off topic but I was thinking to myself and came up with this funny statement:

I took a stab at love but all it did is stab me back. Good thing I know self-defense.

Doesn't happen overnight, believe me, but it will come in time. I've learned to just enjoy the moments and enjoy the process of getting to know people. Have I liked some of the women I've gone on dates with? You bet. Have I considered some of them as potential relationship material? Of course. I am blessed to have the perspective that my life is perfectly dandy without a significant other. I'm well on my path in life and while I enjoy female company I'm not in a rush to get into a relationship. I still have a lot that I want to accomplish before I settle down - getting into a serious relationship right now would hinder that.

Have you thought about your path in life? What do you plan to do with your life? Where are you going? Are there things you want to experience?

Sounds like you could turn that into a bumper sticker...

Have you thought about your path in life? What do you plan to do with your life? Where are you going? Are there things you want to experience?


Well, grad school is a must and eventually my long-term goal is to earn my Phd/PsyD in psychology and open my own private practice. I want to travel some more too (going to Barcelona this summer).

I want to continue meeting new people. I want to continue learning. I want to continue my art/ photography. I want to receive my master rank in taekwondo. I want to meet someone special I can spend the rest of my life with. I want to be successful, healthy, etc... There is so much I look for. I love experience new places, foods, people, ideas, sports, etc...

Going tough down the road A4, I'm in the same situation as you are. My exes are still in the fairy tale state while I'm moving on with deeper understanding of love, it is painful when u can't see what u saw.

Well, grad school is a must and eventually my long-term goal is to earn my Phd/PsyD in psychology and open my own private practice. I want to travel some more too (going to Barcelona this summer).

I want to continue meeting new people. I want to continue learning. I want to continue my art/ photography. I want to recieve my master rank in taekwondo. I want to meet someone special I can spend the rest of my life with. I want to be successful, healthy, etc..... There is so much I look for. I love experience new places, foods, people, ideas, sports, etc.....

And you're only 21? I know people in their 50s who don't even have half of the goals you do (or strive to do). You're off to a great start and I can honestly say you were much further along your path than I was at 21. Like many I didn't even know what I was going to do at that age. Meeting someone special comes with time - and when you least expect it. Put a different way, why not meet someone by chance doing what you love to do anyway?

Keep doing what you're doing. My Magic 8 Ball says that your future prospects look good. ;)

Thank you ducky. These are the exact answers/questions I need in order to learn. I am only 21 and I do not need to look for someone who I will settle down with right now. I do need to take a chill pill when it comes to this subject and just focus on my own personal happiness since I am the one in control of it.

A new semester starts next week so here I come. I will focus on myself, my work, my friends, and just having a good time in college.

Bingo! :-)

Well, I have been thinking about this whole ordeal. I am not going to lie but I am a bit afraid of what I have to do.

I have no problem being single because I keep myself busy all the time and I always have friends around for social support. But I am afraid of not finding someone I can spend the rest of my life with. This is a dumb thought to think because I am still so young but it still runs through my head. Not to be egoistic but like some of you and others have said, I have a lot going for me. The other day my taekwondo teacher/friend told me that I am a guy with a good heart and that I have a lot of integrity. Others say that I will do great in life. I am very thankful for those comments and I try to always improve myself and learn as much as I can.

But still, for some reason I am scared of taking this step. I am scared that I will grow old and not have found the one. I know that I am solely responsible for my own happiness and so far I have made myself very happy. I am proud of every single accomplishment and step that I took. I am proud to have conquered some tough obsticles in my life. When I failed, I always got up. Never have I thought of giving up.

But in the end I will take this step because I know many of you have and clearly you all seem pretty darn happy. This is just a personal reflection and it really helps me figure myself out through writing it down.

Also, all of you reponses and encouragements really do help. I am glad that I am able to actually talk this through and ask for advice because for almost my whole life I have always bottle up all of my feelings.


Any comments regarding this post will also be greatly appreciate.

You are doing the right thing by not bottling your feelings up anymore.
We grow as human beings by opening up and sharing our emotions with others.

Don't worry about not meeting the right girl,you will,when you're ready.

No way are you not going to find someone. Just be patient though, there's no rush. You seem like a pretty resourceful guy, so I'm sure you'll do well for yourself. By the way, I love your whole 'I'm in charge of my own destiny' attitude, it's actually pretty inspirational.

I'm a lot older than you are and I haven't found that "special" someone yet, the person I will grow old with, and believe me I'm not freaking out. Regardless of what you say to yourself, it still sounds to me like you are afraid to be single, or alone. That is all right, but it is a fear that you need to tackle. There were a lot of contradictions in your "self reflecting" post which I will not point out. Bottom line, you have a legitimate fear that you need to ensure doesn't manifest itself into anything more than a foolish afterthought. You need to stop quantifying everything you have accomplished into an open resume for why you should have found someone by now. It doesn't work that way. Just continue to tackle goals in your life and the rest will fall into place.

I too haven't figured myself out, but I am not an over analytical psychology major like you are either. All I know is that I enjoy things to the fullest and I will continue to define myself in a positive and caring manor.

In the words of the immortal Joe Dirt: "Life's a garden man, dig it!" :)

I too haven't figured myself out, but I am not an over analytical psychology major like you are either. All I know is that I enjoy things to the fullest and I will continue to define myself in a positive and caring manor.


Hahaha yeah I think that is the problem right there. I analyze everything way tooooooooooo much. Sometimes I feel like I just need to go with the flow. But I got nothing to lose by staying single and someone will come along eventually.


No way are you not gonna find someone. Just be patient though, there's no rush. You seem like a pretty resourceful guy, so I'm sure you'll do well for yourself. By the way, I love your whole 'I'm in charge of my own destiny' attitude, it's actually pretty inspirational.

Thank you. I am very big on exploring life and trying on new boots. I love trying new activities and just broadening my knowledge of the world.

Rant, don't pay any attention to it. Just... letting things out and processing...

The last two days kind of sucked emotionally. Since the original break-up I really have not given myself time to heal because I was jumping around way too much. I tried to meet so many new people, go out to tons of places, and get many girls to like me just because I felt so insecure right after the break up.

This is one of those days where you remember the good times with the ex and how much you miss her. But no worries, I am following NC and have no intentions of breaking it. But I will break it next weekend without my choice (well sort of). I signed up for this Social Justice retreat that my school is offering. I went to it last year and had an amazing time. I learned so much from others that I really wanted to go again. So I signed up and out of the 1000+ people who signed up, only ~60 made it. So here I am all excited only to find out my original ex is one of the facilitators. I really wanted to back out to keep the NC but I cannot let her control my life this way. So I decided to go through with it and will be going to this retreat next weekend.

All these girl problems have really taken a toll on me emotionally. I realize now the importance of working on oneself after a breakup. I realize the importance of being stable and happy. Throughout the last 3 days I kept on telling myself that I am solely responsible for my happiness and that I need to continue with my life.

I have been also distracting myself with my photography. I finally finished my photography website and have been putting in some hours the last few days to get it up and running. (If interested in seeing my work, let me know and I will send you a link). Also, I have been preparing my work for my second gallery opening which is coming up in a few days. I mean everything is going well and I really shouldn't have any reasons to complain. I know what I need to do and I also know that these feelings will go away. I guess just writing this down and reading it makes me realize it even more so. I cannot believe just how much of an impact one person can make on another. Love is one powerful emotion.

I hope the retreat goes well,no reason why it shouldn't.

You've had a couple of rough months,but I'm sure you've learnt a lot about yourself during the process.

Love surely is powerful and having loved enables us to love again.

I just don't know what has gotten into me. After work today. I stayed in all day in my room. I didn't do much of anything. I tried to distract myself but my body wouldn't allow me. I am not the one to be so secluded. Friends invited me to go out but I refused. I know this is temporary but it is so odd that this is happening. I feel like I want to cry but I am not.

The fact is that I know it will get better, I know these feelings will subside, and I will be happy soon. I just overanalzye myself way too much. Oh psychology!

I think we all have days like that and of course it'll pass.

Crying's a good way to relieve tension so why not cry if you feel like it?

And,yes,psychology,my degree as well,so I know where you're coming from on that one!

I think we all have days like that and of course it'll pass.

Crying's a good way to relieve tension so why not cry if you feel like it?

And,yes,psychology,my degree as well,so I know where you're coming from on that one!

In the last 5 years of my life I cried twice (when my parents divorced and when my first ex and I broke up).

It is not so much of a masculinity thing. I don't really know why I can't. I think its because I deal with my emotions in different ways.


I just want to be normal again. I do not want to have to continue in this already 60+ page thread. I want to be the old self. I have learned so much and I love it. Never have I had such understanding of life and love as I do now. It really helps me see the person I am and I am liking what I am seeing. Before the break up I thought I was all grown up and ready to be an adult. Now, I realize that I am still learning. For the most part I feel as if I am an adult. But I enjoy how I am still learning. Yes, it is through mistakes, rough times, and confusion but I love the result. I can see that no matter how how life can get (and this is nowhere near as hard as past events) I always manage to stay positive and keep my chin up.

I haven't been on this thread for a long time but I always return because I can learn a lot from you. It's nothing personal, but you did a lot of mistakes and people learn from it.

You think too much. You are saying so many right things, but it seems it's really hard for you to apply them. You think too much of love and life in general, and it is hindering your own healing. Some times you just need to accept facts and move on with life, let it take you in its flow. Like Nike's ad: "just do it".

I always have been overanalytical and critical of my own self. I cannot just turn it off but I can ackowledge it and control it which is what I am choosing now. Yesterday was just one of those days.

Well tonight I went to hang out with my friend who is my ex's roommate. She asked me to pick her up since it was dark outside and she did not feel safe. While we were on the phone my ex told her for me to pick up my belongings too that I asked for. I went over there and it was awkward. Mt ex pretended like nothing happened and was talking to me about decorating the apartment. My friend then went upstairs to get jacket and my ex and I were alone. We talked about our vacations and kept it simple/polite.

I was painful for me to see her again. It hurt me so much to see her because I know she is not the one for me. I know that we will not happen. I know I need to stay single and continue my life. But seeing her beauty, poise, and hearing her voice my my heart sink. I cam back to my dorm and hung out with my friend. Now I am distracting myself with my photography but it sucks to have broken NC because it shows me that I am not over her yet.

Oh, well back to NC.

Things like this are bound to happen. The important thing is that you've taken the first step. You've accepted the fact that its over and you've cut that last thread of hope. You'll have good days and bad days, but at least you know that NC is the best thing for you to do now.

Hang in there bud, it'll get better - I promise!

Yeah, I am trying to stay as confident as possible but things have not been going well.

My taekwondo instructor called me tonight and tore me a new one because a certain situation (cannot go into detail) got out of hand and she thought I was at fault. I explained to her the situation and she apologized but she was still mad at the situation. I still feel horrible because even though I did not anything wrong (she agrees) I still feel bad.

Secondly, seeing the ex doesn't help. Hearing from this last girl that she does not want to date sucks too because I feel like we could have had something great.

I just get this feeling that one bad thing is happening after another and it is not stopping. I am staying optimistic but its getting to a point where I am getting a little sick of it. First semester was one s**t show that made me go crazy.


How ling will this last? How can I stay sane?

Since you are so lost, staying single is a good idea for you. You can stay sane by just letting go. If you let go of all your expectations you will find peace.

I can put in another way. Did you ever go to the beach and just looked at the ocean, relaxed everything, and just letting go by the beauty of it? Well you need to put yourself in this perspective. You also need to find yourself and to be happy single, which your are clearly not here.

I am just having a few bad days of the "ex withdrawals" that was caused by several little things. It will get better soon.

I put on my old sweatshirt and it still smells like her so I am about to go to sleep in it. Sad, I know but... I really have no answer. Good night.

Hmm-washing the T-shirt comes to mind.. .

Yea, true that. How long has it been now? Please tell me that you don't have a hair doll constructed with all the lose hairs of hers you found in your apartment?

I'm sorry if my first comment seemed rough, but you really should clean all objects that remind you of your ex and put them in a box out of sight. Or trash them, like I did. It just depends on what they are and how valuable they are to you.

Hey A4Effort. I totally can relate when you said you saw her and saw her beauty and poise. That's how I feel too and I know I would feel the same way so that's why I do everything in my power to stay away. Sometimes my mind fools me to think I'm okay and that I should see her but I don't fall for it. I worked wayyy too hard to get where I am and I'm only moving further and hoping for better. We are strong. Take off that sweatshirt. Forget Taekwondo... Show me your real strength now from the heart!! That's where it's at! I was online just now on myspace and I saw her name as a friend I may know. I was going to click on it but instead I deleted the recommendation. It's all about strength. Plus the great advice I've been getting from Altenweg and Cat and Friend4U and T-Man and IWish, there's no way I can let them down. They care a lot more than my ex ever did so why give her that power? The people here care for us and our strength together with these amazing people and God, what can stop us? This isn't for the weak. I'm willing to take the difficut road because at the end I know I will win! So will you if you use some inner strength. You are smart. Hang in there. No more setbacks!

I'm sorry if my first comment seemed rough, but you really should clean all objects that remind you of your ex and put them in a box out of sight. Or trash them, like I did. It just depends on what they are and how valuable they are to you.

To be honest, I trashed everything that even made me think of her the first week. I have nothing of hers. No letters, objects, presents, etc... This sweatshirt I got back yesterday and it was a bad idea in the first place. It set me back but now its time to continue moving forward.

Last night was rough especially because other little annoyances have been occurring so it made it tough to stay strong. I saw my ex last night when I went to pick up my friend and that made me sad. Smelling the sweatshirt reminded me of her.

I am just wondering why I am so sensitive with this matter. I mean by now you would think I would be over her. I mean with the amount of work I have, the amount of socializing I do, and my personal drive, you would think that I would have enough will power to get over this too.

I am angry at myself for being so weak and I usually do not screw up. I am a perfectionist so most of the time I try to do things right the first time. But with this its just one mistake after another.

A4: So I saw my ex over the weekend. We broke up in August of 2008 and I haven't seen her since March of 2009 (or somewhere close to that range). It definitely wasn't as easy as I thought it would be nor was I completely un-phased by it. Imagine being broken up that long and still having some residual feelings after seeing her (yet I still preach to myself and others that I am completely over her). On the flip side, I am still alive and doing well. She seemed to be the one who was kind of awestruck by seeing me having fun and not letting her being there impact me.

I know how you feel and it sucks. Just one of those things you have to cope with and be patient with yourself. I should be irritated as all get out that she still has some sort of pull on my emotions, but I'm not. I accept it and deal with it and that's all you can do... it's all any of us can do at the moment.

A4: So I saw my ex over the weekend. We broke up in August of 2008 and I haven't seen her since March of 2009 (or somewhere close to that range). It definitely wasn't as easy as I thought it would be nor was I completely un-phased by it. Imagine being broken up that long and still having some residual feelings after seeing her (yet I still preach to myself and others that I am completely over her). On the flip side, I am still alive and doing well. She seemed to be the one who was kind of awestruck by seeing me having fun and not letting her being there impact me.

I know how you feel and it sucks. Just one of those things you have to cope with and be patient with yourself. I should be irritated as all get out that she still has some sort of pull on my emotions, but I'm not. I accept it and deal with it and that's all you can do...it's all any of us can do at the moment.

Exactly, I think it is important to make sure you acknowledge your feelings and accept them. Yesterday, even though I was down, I still told myself that this was just a phase that will disappear. I told myself to accept the feelings, work though it, and tomorrow will be a better day.

Also, I keep telling myself over and over that I am solely responsible for my own happiness. I need to make myself happy and I need to stop dwelling on the past so much. I just need to continue learning how to be single. Its not as easy as I thought it would be especially since I did not want to be single to begin with. I was put in this situation and now I have to adjust.

A4: So I saw my ex over the weekend. We broke up in August of 2008 and I haven't seen her since March of 2009 (or somewhere close to that range). It definitely wasn't as easy as I thought it would be nor was I completely un-phased by it. Imagine being broken up that long and still having some residual feelings after seeing her (yet I still preach to myself and others that I am completely over her). On the flip side, I am still alive and doing well. She seemed to be the one who was kind of awestruck by seeing me having fun and not letting her being there impact me.

I know how you feel and it sucks. Just one of those things you have to cope with and be patient with yourself. I should be irritated as all get out that she still has some sort of pull on my emotions, but I'm not. I accept it and deal with it and that's all you can do...it's all any of us can do at the moment.

So true. Same thing happened to me and I think it is more than normal to have residual feelings. As long as it doesn't (or very little) affect you, life goes on. The only advice I can give you is to be patient, take care of yourselves and look toward a brighter future.

So I need some help. I have mentioned before that I am going to this social justice retreat this weekend. It is a great time and I really enjoy listening to others tell their story. But there is one kink in this story and that is that my ex is one of the facilitators.

Now myself and another 40 ish students will be going to this retreat. I will be seeing her often throughout the weekend and obviously by doing that I will be breaking NC. What is the best way to go about this?

I wanted to drop out but I do not want her to control my life. I know that I will be having some feelings while she is there and I do not know how to control them.

Any suggestions?

Keep minimal contact. Don't have unnecessary conversations. Keep things professional. Separate business and pleasure. Converse with other people, like you said there's 40 other people there for you to talk to anyway.

You are there for a reason, social justice. Nothing else. Go about it like you don't even know she is there. When you do run into her, stick to strictly business. Like I wish said, don't go off having any conversations with her that are not about the retreat.

So this is painful. We briefly said hi and that is basically the only contact we had. We were sitting all in a big group discussion and we made eye contact. We both gave each other an endearing look. I see her all the time. I am doing my best to avoid her and focus on this trip. I talked to a friend and she basically told me it took her a year and a half to get over her ex. I am really hurt and sad. When I am on NC I feel much better but this much time together is hurting me. 2 more days of this. Please help me through this.

I hope that is gets easier as the weekend continues. Make sure you talk to and socialize with lots of other people.

There must be the option of leaving early?if it gets too much for you-but you chose to go,so stick it out.

As for it taking somebody
18 months to get over any ex; there are no hard and fast rules.
We are all different.

All the best now.
Come back if you need to.

Today is another day. I never dream but last night I had one. I dreamed that her an I are getting back together. I am taking 50 steps back in my recovery when it comes to my emotions. I have to stick through this.

I guess so.
Time to reflect-was it worth breaking NC?
I don't think you'll know till you get back.

Like any other challenge, you need to learn to adjust to your surroundings and overcome the obstacles. This is no different. Bear in mind the reason you're on this trip. Focus on those aspects.

If you feel like it's such a drag to be there, then it's going to be a long and painful trip. Focus on the positives of the trip and make the most of it.

Hang in there A4Effort! This is one big journey and one day you will see why you are going through this. Perhaps to be an example to others who are not as strong as you or to be a role model for other reasons. You will be fine and when you feel down just remind yourself that you are suppose to feel sad and it's okay for now. Telling yourself you are not suppose to be sad can make it last longer. We all care for your well being and continue coming back and we will help. Stay strong and remember all your strengths. Remember to Man Up! Hope this cheers you up but be a man now and stand up to this dilemma!!

Well I must say the day ended up pretty well. Most of the day I spent my time involving myself with the social justice program. It was a heavy load and it distracted me very much from the ex. After day ended we had free time. I took this time to have fun an get to know some people. I went outside at looked at the stars with some people, went sledding, and just hung out. I met this wonderful girl
there who I could just hang out with. We played mini soccer and just talked. I also started a dance party which I am very proud of.

But I did see the ex. I was talking
to one of my friends and she came up
to my friend. My friend ended up leaving and her and I were alone. We talked a bit about the retreat and other random little stuff. She told me
how she really enjoys talking to me and how she misses it. From there we talked a bit more before going our own ways. It was very nice talking to he but the whole time I just wanted to kiss her. My heart was not sad. I dd not dwell on it long and I occupied myself so I would not think about it.

I did make one mistake. We have a bag with our names on them that people can use to put little notes in them. I wrote her a note that said: I have learned much about myself in our relationship an you have shown me new ideas, ways, etc... And I would like to thank you for that. I hope you are happy and good lucknon your future endevours.




Then I ended the note with "I will always love you" buy j wrote it in Bosnian.

I know I suck but to be completely honest I am not depressed an do not feel down.

It sounds as though you were able to handle the situation very maturely and positively. When your ex came over to speak to you (she may have come over to speak to your friend but it would have been you that she wanted to speak to really) tell us how you felt, what was going through your mind? Did you find it easy talking to her? Did she find it easy talking to you? Would you say being able to talk with her at this stage made you feel as though you had accomplished something more long term with your own personal recovery? Sounds to me like you have. Maybe you both have in your own ways.

Man I would not be able to deal with things if I saw and spoke with my ex... I would take longer healing.

It sounds as though you were able to handle the situation very maturely and positively. When your ex came over to speak to you (she may have come over to speak to your friend but it would have been you that she wanted to speak to really) tell us how you felt, what was going through your mind? Did you find it easy talking to her? Did she find it easy talking to you? Would you say being able to talk with her at this stage made you feel as though you had accomplished something more long term with your own personal recovery? Sounds to me like you have. Maybe you both have in your own ways.

Well, while we were talking I felt fine. We even ended up dancing together that night and it felt... well it felt like it was the norm. Holding her and feeling her body against mine felt amazing. It felt like for that one moment everything in the universe was perfect. But I knew we would never get back together and I had no hopes for anything. Afterwards I made sure to distract myself immediately with friends and the retreat. I do still love her. I will always have a special place in my heart for her but I also know that we will have to go our own separate paths. I do miss her. She is a wonderful woman that has thought me a lot. But I also I will one day be happy again with another person. I also have learned that I am able to find my own happiness through my own personal journey. After I came home I did not wallow. Instead I went to the gym and finished my homework. I am proud of myself for having been able to do that instead of turning depressed.


That first love is the hardest.

You seem to have handled the weekend well-and I hope you're still OK with how it went?

You seem to have handled the weekend well-and I hope you're still ok with how it went?

Yes I am. I am able to acknowledge how I feel, control/deal with the emotions, and still continue living my life. I know my feelings will never disappear for her. Right now they are still strong but hopefully with some more time they will diminish. I am still happy. I do not feel I need to fill any voids.

Way to go-so well done you!

Wow! Can we talk about a curveball please. Tonight was my second gallery exhibit. Everything was going well. I was surrounded by faculty, friends, family, etc... Nothing could have gone wrong. I was showing two series of work. One dealt with social justice and was more journalistic and the other one was more artistic and dealt with salient memories from my life which included my first love.



Half-way through the event my ex walks in. My jaw dropped wide open. I did not at any point tell her that I was having an exhibit. There has been advertising but she found out through her roommate, whom I invited to the opening. She was there near all my family, friends, and other significant people in my life. We talked for a bit and talked abou the work. One photograph had writing on it that talked about my anger with the break up. She read it and asked me a few questions.

I just talked to her about the art work and other few minor things before joining my friends and family. I just couln't believe that she came.

Why would she do that? She is the one who broke up with me. Why is coming back in my life? I do not want to have any hopes of anything. Why is she doing this to me? It is driving me crazy and I need an answer. How do I deal with this?

Please help!

Despite the curiosity on her part, and the shock on your part, its not worth dwelling on. But you know that already. Take this as a test to show you were your at in your healing process.

Despite the curiosity on her part, and the shock on your part, its not worth dwelling on. But you know that already. Take this as a test to show you were your at in your healing process.

I know Tal. But even with the retreat, she is the one initiating conversations, etc... I have been very good at keeping NC and moving on with my life. Why does she make the effort to check in on me? Does she feel guilty for breaking up with me? Does she want to be friends?

When we broke up for the second time I told her straight to her face that after this break up I would never take her back ever again.

I think the problem is you haven't been clear in expressing your not ready for a friendship. That's probably what she wants. If your not ready, be honest about it.

I will have to be next time she pulls off something like that.

What bothers me the most is that she came to this event in front of all my close friends and family. They all know what happened and what she did to me. To me, her showing up, was very disrespectful.

So what? How you handle her "disrespect" is what counts.

So what? How you handle her "disrespect" is what counts.

So what? Come on! How can I just let her come in and out of my life like that? When someone hurts me this much I cannot just let them in my life again. I can't! Especially when I still have feelings for her. I cannot have her in my life at this time. I have told her this before. People always say I am too polite/nice. I should just go tell to F off.

But... I did think rationally and I think I handled it well. I just kept polite with her and treated her like any other guest.

That's my point, as whatever her motives or intentions, you basically held true to yourself. That's a good thing, and a victory, as opposed to let her make you react out of your own nature. That's what was mean't by "so what".

Most ex's loooooove to keep tabs on what we're up to in life. It's pure curiosity, plain and simple. I've had ex's from over 10 years ago contact me out of the blue... it's like they have this sixth sense and can tell when you're doing fine in life. Let's look at the facts here for a minute - you did invite her roommate. Even if you did not tell your ex directly, don't you think she was bound to find out? I am not one bit surprised she showed up...

Disrespect? Hmmm. Perhaps from your point of view. I see it as more like an annoying rash that won't go away. :cool:

But let's give credit where credit is due - I will most definitely give you kudos for handling the situation nicely though. My policy whenever you bump into an ex is to keep it polite and brief.

I think TMan is right. You have to be straight forward with the fact that you are not ready to be friends. In fact, it is your fault. After all, you did talk and dance with her last time. Nonetheless, you dealt with it accordingly, but it still affects you. Having her in your life, especially in milestone events where you would rather her not be present, so that new memories can be created. Understandable. You have been doing good, but now it's time to let her know that you are not ready for a friendship. I'm sure she will understand. You know you will be fine and so do I. Besides this stupid situation let's agree on one thing... We both know how great and surprising life is, right? Just think of all the wonders and great feelings we still have not encountered!! Keep pushing forward my friend! I'm excited to hear what next great thing comes from your life!

I think TMan is right. You have to be straight forward with the fact that you are not ready to be friends. In fact, it is your fault. Afterall, you did talk and dance with her last time. Nonetheless, you dealt with it accordingly, but it still affects you. Having her in your life, especially in milestone events where you would rather her not be present, so that new memories can be created. Understandable. You have been doing good, but now it's time to let her know that you are not ready for a friendship. I'm sure she will understand. You know you will be fine and so do I. Besides this stupid situation let's agree on one thing...We both know how great and surprising life is, right? Just think of all the wonders and great feelings we still have not encountered!!! Keep pushing forward my friend! I'm excited to hear what next great thing comes from your life!


Thanks Emo. I've been telling myself not to think to deep into this situation because she has a boyfriend and I am not letting her ever come back. Now, that is the logical and rational side of my mind. But my stupid heart has been knocking like crazy and doing the exact opposite. My heart says that it would take her back in a second but my mind tells me otherwise. Thankfully, my mind rational side is stronger in this situation.

So far being single is not all that bad. I have been so busy with my life that I don't even have time for a partner. There are some little things here and there that I miss (cuddeling, kissing, etc... ) but then again there are things that I do not miss. School is going well and the other night I ran a taekwondo testing that was the best one I have ever done. My gallery opening was beyond my expectations and I have been also fitting in some time with my friends.

There is nothing I should be complaining about to be honest. My life is pretty good right not but for some odd reason she still floats around my mind. I take all the necessary precautions to get over these thoughts and I have not been in a dpressed mood for a while now. But she still is there, reminding me of what we had. The good overpower the bad times.

I guess its just time. I need more time to pass. I am excited for summer because I know for sure I will not be seeing her this frequently. I heard a while back that she is staying here for the summer so I hope she does not contact me because I know I cannot be ever friends with her.




... sorry my thoughts are everywhere tonight and I am once again overanalyzing and looking too deep into things. Typical A4Effort! :rolleyes:

I think we are both at the same stage in the moving on process. I totally understand every word you wrote!

I am just like you in the sense that I lasted 1 year and 5 months until she broke it off and then back together and lasted 1 year and 9 months. I did none of my prior mistakes such as calling girls, didn't check up on her, I assured her whenever she was jealous and took care of her in everything and played with her and always took her out even on vacation, but still she broke up with me. In fact she continued messing up but I was in love so I kept forgiving... it's a sad story but we have to push forward. Maybe one day we will understand why this happened. I started school today! Hope you feel better man. We'll pull through together... No competition. I know it's in your blood... lol

Ha ha ha. Good luck to you too emo. A new semester begins and with that new opportunities come. I am glad that I can have friends around me to distract me from this situation.

We will get there one day. Slowly but surely.

I do not know what is wrong with me. Its been almost 5 months now and this still happens. Yesterday was a typical day. I went to class and went straight to work afterwards. At work I started to think about her. I could not stop. I hit such a low that I haven't experienced since the first week of the break up.

Thoughts about her could not leave my mind at all. No matter what I did that day I continued to feel sad. I focused on my work and that did not help. I wrote down how I felt and that did not help. I went rock climbing with a friend, I went to the gym to work out, and ended the night by going dancing with a few friends. None of this helped. She was stuck in my head. I told myself every possible story to make my stupid heart change. Nothing worked. As I danced I felt like crap. As I worked I felt like crap. Not until I went to sleep did my feelings go away. What the hell is wrong with me?

I am trying so damn hard but I am still hung up on her. Why can I not move on? How am I still keeping myself from moving on?

Tonight I am going to the winter ball. I invited a few friends to go with but I have no idea how it will go because I feel during every slow dance I will only think about the ex.

I can only tell you to stay with it, and keep doing what your doing. All of us go through these emotional STORMS in our lives, and we just have to plod through them.

They will pass, they always do. Never, ever, beat yourself up when they do happen though.

I can only tell you to stay with it, and keep doing what your doing. All of us go thru these emotional STORMS in our lives, and we just have to plod thru them.

They will pass, they always do. Never, ever, beat yourself up when they do happen though.

That's the thing, I just want to take a baseball to my head and beat some sense into my head. All these stupid irrational fears go through my head. I feel like I will never find anyone whom I will love. I feel like no one will be able to accept me like she did. I have these stupid insecurities in my head and its not healthy for my mental well being.

I am a perfectionist and try to be the perfect person in every way. Physically I have to be in tip-top shape. I try to learn every possible skill and try to have some knowledge about every subject. I try to be the perfect friend, boyfriend, son, etc...

I have a great work ethic and so far I have come a long way. I do not have a problem meeting girls. I do not have a problem socializing. I do not have a problem with any of that. But still I am here thinking this way. Why can I not take a chill pill and just let things happen?

We all have the conflict that goes on in our head, and what's really happening in our lives. Nothing wrong with striving for perfection, as long as you balance it with reality. It may seem like no one will be as good as the one that got away, but I think reality says, its possible to meet someone better.

Part of your problem is taking her off the pedestal you have put her on. She was hardly perfect, and for all your trying, neither are you. That's the reality of your situation. When you reconcile yourself to reality, then the conflicts will end, and you can move forward to different challenges, and options and opportunities.

You have too much expectations. It's not bad to have some, but having too much will just eat you alive. You need to have a balance life between letting go and having expectations.

You also cannot control everything that happens in your life so start accepting what happens to your life and move on. Learn from your experiences but don't dwell on it.

I just wanted to post this to let everyone know how I process certain feelings. This thread has been seen plenty of times so I know plenty of people read it and gain some kind of knowledge from it. The other day I had my really low moment and I did not know how to get over it. I tried working out, hanging out with friends, and even going out to dance. But what really worked was writing down my emotions on paper and then rereading it when the emotions went away. There are tons of ways you can distract yourself (see stickies) but this one worked for this particular situation. So I will include a my writing example to show what my thought process was. Right now I feel completely fine and I can say that it was only a phase.

My example:

"What do you do when the girl you love is gone? You know she is never coming back but your feelings for her still remain in your heart. How do you move away from someone you held so dear to your heart? Everyday you are reminded by her in some way. Your friends and family tell you to move on but you hesitate. You know there will be others. You know your life is completely fine without her but yet your heart still aches. In every other aspect, your life is perfect. Even with other girls fighting for your affection, you can only see yourself with one. With every day and with every step you live your life. You grow and mature. You change the way you look, act, and think. Yet, those feelings for her remain. No matter what you do those images of her are burnt into your mind and heart. True love is the greatest feeling in the world but only when both feel it equally. Here I am stuck in a one way conversation with no ability to persuade the other."


As you can tell this is sappy as hell but when you are in the moment this is how you really feel. It is important to acknowledge your feelings and writing them down is a great way to do it. Reflecting on them too is great once you are ready to think rationally. I hope this helps someone with their process because it helped me.

Good AE,writing things down is a helpful tool and helps you get perspetive.
Wishing you a good week.

Writing is an excellent outlet for emotions. It's goes along the same lines as talking things out with friends and loved ones who genuinely care about you.

This is a great way to get things out! No need for apologies if it makes you feel better.

Another important task that I need to do is take my ex off
This imaginary pedistole. Many of us glorify our first love or salient love because at some point in time they did make us feel like a million bucks. We have many memories with them and have become attached to them. We always say that they were our best friends, the ones you could share anything with, and the one you thought you would marry one day. Now these dreams have been shattered and you feel alone. You feel like it is you against the world. You say to yourselfthat you will neve be able to find someone else like her/him. You immediately put them on this pedistole as the best thing that has ever happened to you. No one else can compare to them. So what do you do? You seclude yourself and wallow. So how can we take them off this pedistole and move on with our lives?


Here is my process. Writing things down physically helps me a great deal with my healing process. A good way to help you process is creating a pro an con list. Think of all the good things about your ex an equally think about the negative things.

Here is my example:
Pro's:
Understanding
Adventurous
Active
Intelligent
Motivated
Spiritual/philosophical
Sympathetic
Opened my eyes to new experiences
Hard working

Con's:
Argumentative
Competitive
Always wanted me to be someone I was not
Too clingy
Easily annoyed
Made me feel inadequate
Always fought about the little things
Wanted her freedom but could not give me mine
Did not make me feel like a man because she wanted to do everything equally like me even when physically it was impossible



I could add more things but you get the point. Too often we only think of the good memories and we tend to forget the negatives. Pu break up for a reason. There are so many times where I came to my Tod school and felt like crap because of the fights we had. But now I seldom remember these feelings because I can only see her on the pedistole.


Hope this helps someone. It did for me.

It's probably true for most of us-and I'd like to quote Justwantfair 'I don't miss you,I miss who I thought you were'.
Knock them off the pedistals
They are only human beings same as us.

So to continue this whole learning experience I will post what I have learned so far through making mistakes, having gone through this whole experience, and just by being in a relationship.

* Instead of arguing back and forth, I should acknowledge my partners feelings/concern without trying to gain the upper hand.

* Communicate all needs and problems in an effective manner before the problem escalates.

* When your partner needs to vent make sure to just listen. Do not offer any advice unless your partner asks for some.

* Do not always tackle arguments while "in the moment." Emotions often get the best of us and allowing some time to pass allows both to cool down and think rationally again.

* Understanding that sometimes your partner needs some alone time before sharing their problems with you.

* Do not assume any other roles (father figure, etc... ) because your partner only wants you to be who you are.

* Do not compete with your partner because you always want your partner to do as well as you if not better.

* Understand that both partners need some individual time to either spend by themselves or with other friends.

* After breaking up for the first time it is very hard to make it work afterwards and its best to move on with your life.

* NC and time heals all. Really NC helps a lot and every time you break it you fall back a few steps.

* Being single is not all too shabby. You have more time to yourself, friends, and family. You can hang out with whomever you want, whenever, and wherever without needing permission or needing to consider your partner.

* Like Tal always says: "A relationship should be a bonus to your life."

* You have to be happy with yourself before being able to be happy with another.

* After a long relationship, one should take their time to heal instead of bouncing into another relationship. REBOUND!!

These are the major ones. Quite the learning experience I had over the past few months.

To conclude this whole thing here is a quote I came up with:

"You live and you learn. You work and you earn. Live life to its fullest without making a U-turn."

So you would think, you really would think that I would have at least moved on a bit from her. But no! I can't. Why?

Well, last night a friend of mine invited me to a party. I have not been to a college party in who knows how many months. I don't drink much either hence why I really don't go to college parties too often. I was just chatting it up like always and just having a good time with friends. Well throughout the night a friend (my ex's roommate) of mine who was very intoxicated decided to tell me some things that I did not want to hear. She told where my ex's new boyfriend goes to college (right next to the one I go to), she told me his first name, how well she treats her, how they are going to this awesome concert, and basically how they are living an amazing life together. On top of all this my ex decided to make an appearance at the party. She was there for a bit, talked with friends, and left because she had to go and meet her boyfriend.

So what did I try to do? At the party I did not talk to her. We just hugged as she came in and that is the only contact we had.

After all this I tried to forget everything my friend told me and just continue the night. But I couldn't my rational mind was telling me all the right things but my heart was aching sooooooooo much. I felt horrible and then my "emotional" thoughts came in. I started thinking about how she was able to move on and have a perfect life right after leaving me. I started thinking about how it sucked for me to move on, to find 2 other girls who didn't work out, and just not being happy with myself yet. This past still bothers me. I am trying really hard but it has really affected me. I am not trying to pity myself but I am ready to be done with this past.

Why didn't you,politely,tell the gossiping friend that you weren't interested and then continued going about your own business?

There has been too much contact lately,retreat,exhibition and now this.
This gets you going and sets you back.

It doesn't matter whether she has moved on and with whom,what matters is that YOU keep moving on at your own pace.

You have it all sorted out in your head,now get your heart in sync.

The things she told me were said at different times throughout the night and I was not expecting it at all.

But I am having a difficult time syncing my heart with my brain. I do not know why I am still hanging onto this pain. She has clearly move on and is living her life without me. I on the other hand am crawling slower than death towards happiness. There is nothing wrong with my life and I am very grateful to have such an amazing support system. I am not afraid to be single either and I have been enjoying it. But the fact that she is there all the time hurts. I never used to be this sensitive.

What has worked for me in similar situations is to get extremely busy doing/thinking about something else as soon as such thoughts pop into my head.
Yes,you mourn the death of the relationship,but life goes on and life is good.

We all heal differently but-we all do.

It must be early morning where you are,carpe diem!

You can look at this another way also, that you ran into your ex and didn't do anything to make you feel foolish afterward. That in itself is a major victory. You were cool, even at the drunken intrusion of her friend. Again another major victory, and a sure sign of maturing coping skills.

Maybe we can't help the comparison thoughts, but they are yours to cope with. As long as your attitude is gratitude for what you do have, you will never be jealous or envious of what another has, or has accomplished. Remember that always, be grateful for what you have now, it could be much worse, and if you want more, get busy.

I think your on a good path so far. Keep it up.

You can look at this another way also, that you ran into your ex and didn't do anything to make you feel foolish afterward. That in itself is a major victory. You were cool, even at the drunken intrusion of her friend. Again another major victory, and a sure sign of maturing coping skills.

Maybe we can't help the comparison thoughts, but they are yours to cope with. As long as your attitude is gratitude for what you do have, you will never be jealous or envious of what another has, or has accomplished. Remember that always, be grateful for what you have now, it could be much worse, and if you want more, get busy.

I think your on a good path so far. Keep it up.


Thank you tal and I completely agree. I am just wondering when these reactions will stop. They are so strong now, every time something happens with the ex. I know with time and NC they will calm down but they really do affect me. Its so hard when everything is somehow connected to her. My friends, activities, and work are all connected with her in one way or another. She keeps popping up and I keep reacting.

Time and experience are your teachers. Unfortunately, they can't be rushed. Where I have had a lifetime, and its easier, you have not, and so I can only tell you to be patient, and keep your attitude correct.

"But time flies when your having fun."

This has been a theme ever since I got dumped by my first girlfriend and learned that living a life that I enjoyed made me happy, attractive, and hardly had time to dwell, or wonder what if, or why me.

Don't get me wrong, as its not always fun, but after seeing how bad it could really be, you tend to be grateful you can get through it, and over time you gain confidence through accomplishment.

Its the doing when things are less than perfect that gives you that confidence.

Plus I have a lot of experience not only with rejection, but in being DUMPED. Neither is a big deal. But the first few times really suck, because you don't know what to do, but you learn a lot about yourself, and how you deal with things that don't go your way.

I just need to keep telling myself the negative aspects of our relationship because I keep thinking that our relationship was a dream when in reality it wasn't. We did fight. We did compete with each other on an unhealthy level. We did have differences. She could not be committed to me. She wanted certain things out of me that I could not give her. She is probably happier now too because she may have found someone who matches her better. Hopefully one day I will find that person who will match me. Until then I need to stay focused and keep trucking along.

It's funny how things are. Today I went to my botany lab (I know botany, I need to fill my requirement) and talked to my lab partner. It turns out that my lab partner works in the same psychology lab as my ex. She told how my ex talked about our breakup an how she said that she did not want to date the same guy all throughout college. She wanted to see what else is out there.

When I heard that my emotions immediately changed. I was unable to control them. I immedialty atarte thinking that I was just being used and it made me feel cheap. I also became angry at the fact that she came back to me an did it again to me.

I am fine now, the feelings have almost all gone away but I just keep finding out all this information that I do not want to know.

You should tell all these people that you are not interested in hearing the gossip.
That's not being rude,that's protecting yourself.

I realize that I am only mad at one thing and one thing only. I am angry at the fact that she did it twice to me. How can a person do something like this twice when I clearly stated that I did not want her back if she was going to have the same feelings?


How do I deal with this and work through the anger?

Through physical activity or some other type of outlet (writing, hobbies, etc). I found that playing sports and exercising really helped me control any anger I felt.

Sorry guy, the first time was her fault, anything after that is yours.

Yeah I have come to realize that too now.
Things have been good lately which I am very happy about. The only place I see her is web I go over to see some common friends. I was at a party this weekend and she showed up. I ignored her and did not initiate any conversation with her. I focused my time on my friends and she saw me having a great time. She initiated contact by asking how I was. I just kept it short and returned to having fun. She didn't mingle with anyone and just kind of sat there awekwardly before she left. I. Felt really good at how I handeled the situation. Also I had a moment of realization. I realized that if I was still with her, I would not be having the same
Amount offun because I would have had to spend my time with her instead of flirting with girls and hanging out with my friends. I really enjoyed the freedom. I also enjoyed the fact that I did not become sad after seeing her or get any major reactions to her being there. Time has helped for sure and I feel I am almost at the end of the recovery road. Life is good.