I have no clue why but that scene from yesterday has been replaying in my head all day. They were talking about how the two of them should get together and study this upcoming Sunday. The guy then said that my ex should give him a call since she already had his number. It pisses me off so much that she would be so insensitive in front of me. Also, the fact that she knew the guy while we were dating and never said a word about him or even spoke to him in class while we were dating. But suddenly we break up and she is chit chatting away. It pisses me off so much. Its as if she already picked guys she wanted to date and then just waited to break up with me to go out and date them. I just want to explode on her and let her know how I feel but I won't. How can somebody do something like that. I shouldn't let this bother me but I am so angry at her.

Id say the anger is justified and will actually help you on your road to complete recovery.
You ll get to a place eventually when whatever she does or whomever she speaks to won't matter.

Her true colors are showing my friend. That is extremely unclassy to do and I would be pretty pizzed if I were you as well. Handle your anger and move on. Don't give her any satisfaction.

I won't give her that satisfaction but won't she always think that there is nothing wrong with treating me this way? What can I say to her? Or should I just shut my mouth and continue playing it cool?

Play it cool. Karma is a beeyatch... you take care of yourself and let life take care of the rest.

I sure hope it is. I hope that one day she realizes what she had and how she can never get it back. I didn't ask for anything else besides commitment. I didn't ask for marriage. I didn't ask for her to change. I just wanted her to be herself. I committed myself to this relationship 100% and gave her everything she wanted plus more. I just wish I could have seen this before. But it happened and I can't change that. I can only learn from it.

So what comes next?

I went from being sad to being sad and angry. When does happiness come in?

I am so stressed out by everything and I don't know how much longer I can stay this strong. I average 12 hour days, 7 days a week. Having to go to school, three jobs, psychology lab, other clubs/activities and doing homework on top of all that is draining me very fast. Also, having to deal with a break up on top of that does not help.

I am so sick of always having to be strong at all times. Why is it that since the age of 5 I had to grow up and start working my butt off? I am so fortunate to be where I am today and I am not complaining about what I need to do but when will I get a break?

Why don't you take a weekend off and get out of town for awhile. Do something to clear your mind.

I wish I could but I work the weekends and I have already taken a day off recently when I first broke up with her. Also, this month is a tough one when it comes to paying the bills and I need all the hours I can get to pay for everything. I am under pressure with school work too. I am trying to do things with friends but when I do those things then other important tasks get pushed back.

But its not just this instance. I have been under pressure my whole life and that is what I do not understand. Why have I been dealt these cards? I am staying positive and making the best out of what I have been given but sometimes I just question my life. Why?

This is life A4. Don't make the mistake of thinking you are the only one working their a$$ off to make something of themselves. You are never given more than God thinks you can handle... and no, I'm not a religious man. There are a ton of people on this board alone that have gone through tragic situations. We make our lives what we want them to be, but the path isn't always crystal clear nor easy.

I guess your right. I should just quit being a little you know what and continue with my life.

Don't get me wrong man, you have every right to wonder why and how, and what and so on. Hell, I know I did. But you are strong enough to deal with this, I know it and so do the countless other posters on here who offer you advice. Sometimes life just sucks, no other word for it. But we fall so we can learn to pick ourselves back up again... and sometimes we fall over and over again, but as long as we keep getting back up we will be fine.

Ever notice on a bad day, you think of everything that has gone wrong in your life? That's not reality though, reality is that your wallowing in your own pity, because that's the easiest thing to do. We all do it to some extent, but you'll get enough of that and get up, and figure out something else to do.

The bad times make the good ones to come even sweeter, and that's the attitude to have. Just one hard working SOB to another.

I agree with you completely because after reading Kc's post and yours it made me see the slump I put myself in. Things happen for a reason and you just have to deal with it. Well I just got off work so Im headed home to write a paper that's do tomorrow. Thanks for the pep talk. I needed that.

Yes, I agree with you white-rose. Now that I am a little further in my healing process I can see that there are others. I have met some beautiful girls with wonderful personalities. I am very thankful for all the support around here and the support I am receiving from the people around me. I am channeling all my anger into motivation. Every day I am learning something new, meeting a new friend, or learning something about myself. I know I will have more rough days as well as many more good days. But I have gone through too much in my life to let a girl slow it down. This whole journey has been a huge learning experience and I am glad that I have been able to go through it. I see nothing but positives coming from this. I was caught up in this routine with her where I kept on doing the same thing over and over again. I did not have any personal time and that kept my motivation low to do anything else besides work, school, and being with her. Now I am very much into working out again and I even was able to get my six pack back again in just a month. I have my first gallery opening coming up for my photography and I will have another one in January. Also, I had a local business interested in selling my art. All of this I wouldn't have done if I was with her because she needed me to be with her at all times. LIFE IS GREAT!!!

That is awesome to hear that you are seeing the positive through this experience, and are accomplishing goals in your life now without her. You seem very confident and are strong now which is difficult to be after a break-up. You are loving yourself now, and it seems to be making you happy. No matter what, you put yourself and your needs first, which you seem to be achieving. Good job :)

So here I am thinking to myself again. I do not know why my dumb brain and heart are messing with me. Even though I saw what my ex is capable of I still feel sad. Even though I know I will find someone I still miss her. Even though I know she has moved on and I do not want to take her back, I still miss her. Even though I am not moping anymore and am focused on myself again I still miss her. Why is it that I take all these steps forward and then take a huge step back? I am still in love. How will that go away? I feel as if I broke the NC contact rule and have gone back to step 1 but I haven't done anything wrong to do so. What kind of man am I when I can't even get over this. *sigh*

There's no Magic Wand it just takes time , you just have to be patient and let the healing powers do their stuff while realising your going to have bad days.

We all handle adversity differently , some heal quicker , some slower , you've just got to stay patient while doing everything you can in your power to help quicken the process ie: NC etc.

A4, you are a normal man. Its never wrong to miss someone, but do it in a way that u're moving on, whilst missing your ex less and less. All that matter is your mentality and TIME. Keep it up, don't get yourself crazy thinking you can get over it permanently by just a click.

I guess its just been a rough day for me. I am not looking forward at all to class tomorrow because I know I will have to put my fake smile on and listen to all the flirting/chatting that will occur between my ex and her new "friend."

Stay strong A4effort, it's the moutain that we climb, that makes us the better man.

Stay strong A4effort, it's the mountain that we climb, that makes us the better man.

So I am dreading going to this class. I enjoy the class itself and I have to attend it but I know she will be there. I know she will talk to her "friend" and I know I will hurt. Today I do not feel strong at all. I will not let her have the satisfaction of seeing me this way but I know it will affect me for the rest of the day. Every time I think of going to class I imagine how they have hung out outside of class. I think of how they might be in a relationship if they are not already in one. I feel like sh*t.

I need some encouragement to go be through this day.

You ve done it before and you can do it again.
Don't let her get to you.

I know I can't let her get to be but I feel very out of control today in terms of my emotions. My stomach is upset because of it and I just have this overall like crap.

You continue to walk with your head held high every day... knowing what kind of man you are and what kind of MAN you always will be. That's all you can do in these situations. Keep your head up and keep moving through the BS.

My blood is boiling! I am not giving her the satisfaction. I can't wait to kick and punch the bags tonight. She is not making this easy for me. But I will show her and myself who I am and how strong I can be.

Beat the hell out of them



But remember to tape up 8)

Well I could not wait to beat those bags. I held my head high and did not take one look at her. She didn't talk to me and continued talking to her boy toy. When it was time for my taekwondo class I asked my teacher to run me to the ground. She did just that and I hit those bags harder then ever before. I have so much anger and I am channeling it all into positive energy. I used it to teach great martial arts classes and to do my job to my best abilities. I am so motivated to work out as much as I can. I just want to go up to her and scream f u to her but I won't. I swear I will succeed in all my goals and I will not stop working until achieve every single one of them. I will get through this and show
Myself that I am strong. I am so thankful for my work ethic. Without it I would not be here today.

I just want to go up to her and scream f u to her but I won't. .

Yep that's definitely not a good idea , all it will do is make you look weak and she'll be able to validate breaking up with you to herself.

Best way is to keep doing what your doing and make her see you as being happy and not needing her to make you happy , it hurts them more.

Well, I am so glad that I am sticking to NC. I couldn't care less if I never saw her again. I know that this is my anger talking but it sure is helping me get over her. These high's and low's are crazy.

Have I improved? What the hell is next?

Nothing, as we said before take it slow. It's hard because you have to see her, just continue doing what you are doing.

Yea, I remember my high's and low's, they are hard to get by, but they get less and less painful. You said yourself, you are getting better.

Yeah, this is so strange because all my anger turned into happiness. I am just finished work and I cannot be happier for some reason. I don't care what happened between us. I don't care that she might be with another man. I am happy and I am confident that I will make it. I know I will succeed.

I have know idea how this happened but I hope it stays for a bit. I FEEL GOOD!!

LOL, keep it up. I was a bit like you, but you have your channel your happiness and control so that you can feel happy all the time.

You got to enjoy when you're on the top of the roller coaster ride, it will be zooming to the pit anytime.

Man, I cannot believe the up and down emotions. Here I am at my university job and I just saw her because she works there too. Now for some reason I feel sad and I have no idea why. I can here her giggle as she tutors a fellow student. She is beautiful and I miss her.

Well I guess the only thing is to roll with the emotions. This sucks.

She seems to be happy whenever you see her.

Maybe you should seem happy whenever you see her. You can giggle too, can't you?

So here is the conversation that went between the two of us. I came in to work as she was leaving and she approached me.

Her: Hi!
Me: Hey!
Her: How are you?
Me: Good.
Her: You smell good.
Me: Thanks
Her: Ok? (Commenting on the fact that I was not engaging in normal conversation)
Me: What?
Her: Nothing
From there she walked out without saying anything.

So, I feel like because after she left I felt like I should have engaged in a normal civil conversation. I did not do that and kept answers short. Did I screw up? Should I have been more engaged?

What does she want from me? Should I apologize?

No need to apologise-short and polite is all you need-its awkward for you-it would be a lot easier did you not have to see her as often as you do.

Why care? You're broken up. Try to remain unaffected and aloof.

Quit worring about how you should act, what to say or do. Just keep going on with your life.

What does she want from me? Does she want to be friends? I don't know where we stand anymore. I don't know if I can loose her completely and have her leave my life completely.

You seem to like this endless pain eh?

That's your heart speaking,not your head.
You can't be friends,its much too soon after your breakup.
Plus you re going down confusion road by trying to guess her
Thoughts-not a good idea.
You know all this-you re really doing well so don't let her get to you.

You are right. So I guess I handeled the situation well. This just sucks seeing her all the time. I think I would be over her much quicker if I didn't see her 3 times a week. Hopefully next semester things will be easier. But ona good note, I met another girl and her and I might hang out soon.

Yes-you could do with seeing less of her.
And enjoy making a new friend!

You seem to like this endless pain eh?

Well I am kind of forced into it by having the same classes as her and working at the same place.

I think I would be over her much quicker if I did not see her all the time. But I think I showed her today that I can't be there for her anymore. I felt really bad too. Life moves on. I have been enjoying meeting new people and having fun being alone.

Talaniman Rule- When you can't disappear, short, brief, polite, but unavailable.

As you can see by your experience, and these forums, its not easy being an ex, when you have to see her a lot after a break up, especially if you have to see them, at work, school and socially. But you did well this time, and have to repeat this again, and again, and not worry about her reactions, or what she feels about it.

Thats what we did in grade school, and high school, wasn't it? That is until our interest got focused elsewhere.

It's difficult when we have to see our Ex's through work, school , socially etc.

But the best thing you can do is just be cordial , pleasant and make it short and sweet as if your just going about your business. It's awkward for her too remember so you can make it easier for the both of you if you follow these rules. She'll see you in a much better light then and you get to keep your dignity.

I just feel like she wants she wants to be friends. I do not want to be friends with her because I will hurt every time I find something out about her. The less I know about her the better off I am.

Yes, keep it that way. It never works without consequences the friend thing.

You know she's more than likely feeling the same anxiety as you. Like I suggested... stay calm, try to remain unaffected. Be cordial but don't blabber... A quick "Hey, how's it going?" evade the small talk about family and what's going on in your life and then, "Yeah… take care, buh bye." You're done. That's it. You were friendly, unaffected by her, and you were cordial. Leave her thinking about what YOUR THINKING.

Now walk around to a secluded place and high five yourself.

Yeah, that is what I have been doing but I still get affected just by seeing her. I feel like I am at this stage now where I can accept that we broke up. I understand that I will find another. But, I am still not accepting the fact that we will never get back together. I still love her and I doubt that will ever change. I am feeling better each day about being single. There is more time that needs to pass to heal these wounds.


I keep having this floating thought in my head about how one day she will contact me and ask to hang out. From there we will start seeing each other again and end up dating again. I don't know why I am thinking this but I cannot continue believing this because if it does not occur it will hurt me even more.

A4, the situation I was in a couple months ago was similar. I left my first everything because I was unhappy, even though I didn't know if it was the right decision.

To this day, I still have these floating thoughts about her contacting me, well she does every once in a while and since I'm still a bit weak, I answer and talk.

So my advice to you is: if she tries to contact you, do not answer/reply, etc. In my case, we talked for twenty minutes and she just told me how this was great and that was great. Sometimes it can suck you back in. For me, she treated me terribly during the relationship so it's not the same situation, but you do know that if she reels you back in, she will probably break your heart.

Stick to your guns, don't give into wanting her back. You will find someone better than her who will know what their life is about and won't need to leave you behind.

I wish you all the best.

Killer

I carried those thoughts myself so very long ago, that never happened, but one thing I have learned very well since then, It gets better every time I got dumped, because I knew what to do about my own feelings so moving forward happened fairly fast.

I was on a real roll when my now wife made that come to screeching halt. Darn women!

Thanks killer for sharing your experience and I agree with you. If I talked to her again I know I would get sucked in and I would be hurt again.

Talaniman, your telling me that I should just date more and get dumped more so that I can learn more about myself? Hahaha jk

Well, I can't wait until that day that I find that screeching halt.

Oh, and one more thing. I met this girl yesterday who was very interested in photography so today her and I will hang out. I will teach her how to use a DSLR camera and just have some fun. She seems like a very nice girl and is beautiful but for some reason I don't feel happy. It has nothing to do with her. I should be very happy that I am able to meet people left and right but for some reason I'm still hurt/sad.

This is not good. I am having these crazy feelings know as love for her floating inside me. They are making me want to contact her and profess to her how much I still love her. I thought I was done with this stage. I thought I was fine with her being out of my life. But all I am thinking now is how much I am in love with her.

I won't though since I know what it can do to me.

Calm down-it s your heart ruling your head.

You think your over something and then it comes back to bite you in the butt. I know my feelings will probably change once I hang out with this new friend that I met yesterday. I never was this emotional before.

Well, now I am just talking to myself. Don't even listen to my stupidity. I almost texted my ex. I wanted to tell her even though I was moving on that I was still in love with her. Before I did I texted my good friend/martial arts instructor telling her that I wanted to do this.

She told me that I was being an a**. I told her how I was worried that if I have no contact with her that she will leave me for good and never talk to me ever again. Then she sent me this quote via text: "If you love someone set them free. If they come back it was meant to be."

Is this true?

You love her, that's why u wanted her so bad. On the other hand she don't want you back, you do the maths A4!

Well like the quote, I set her free. Now if she comes back to me I know its meant to be. But she did that to me once before and it didn't turn out for the best.

Then it wasn't meant to be.

You think a guy made that up? I doubt it, but some female did, and told her daughter, so she could get rid of the guy in her life.

Yep, are you willing to lose time over her again? I doubt it. Besides, there is plenty of girls but take your time of being alone and being selfish. It's excellent to do things you really want to do, being really free without having to look with somebody else if what you are doing is OK with them.

God, I love being single right now!! It's so liberating!

That's good, you can learn from the past. Keep your head straight up man!

Then it wasn't meant to be.

You think a guy made that up?? I doubt it, but some female did, and told her daughter, so she could get rid of the guy in her life.

Great! Just great!

Yesterday I went on a date with this girl I met recently. She wanted me to teach her how to take pictures with a DSLR. We when downtown for a few hours and took pictures while getting to know each other. Afterwards I took her out to dinner. We had a great time and I really enjoyed it. Afterwards I had a few friends come over and we just hung out. We ended up going to a party and having a good time. I had a great night but I feel like still.


I had a mutual friend of my ex's and mine tell me how she spoke to my ex the same day her and I had that little incident. She told me that my ex was saying how I was being weird because I didn't want to talk to her much. She says she wants to be friends with me. I was very frustrated. How can she want to be already friends with me only after a month. Has she lost all romantic feelings for me already? This hurts so much.

All I can think of is how I want to be back with her. I don't care about being single and having a good time with others. I don't care about being able to go on billion of dates and getting all these numbers. I don't care about having time to do anything and everything. I am miserable without her. I am in love with her and nobody else. Why can't I move on like her? I love this woman!!

THIS DAY SUCKS! I need to make sure not to be weak and do something stupid.

I think you know that listening to whatever info other people volunteer s not the greatest of ideas though sometimes hard to avoid.
Next time politely refuse to listen.
Your ex has no right to expect friendship from you -she s let you down twice and you re still hurting.
There is no magic wand that will take your pain away instantly but even though you re feeling low now you ll feel better as soon as you can let go of false hope.

I am doing everything right. Dating, NC, socializing, learning new things, etc... But I still have these feelings for her and I don't think they will ever go away. I just want to be with her. But going up to her and telling her all this will only push her away. But waiting around will have her forget about me.

I am doing everything right. Dating, NC, socializing, learning new things, etc.....But I still have these feelings for her and I don't think they will ever go away. I just want to be with her. But going up to her and telling her all this will only push her away. But waiting around will have her forget about me.
Geez guy, go somewhere, and cry your butt off. The point of the exercise is to learn how to manage yourself in positive ways, and pining over someone who doesn't want to be with you is not positive. You expect to feel good after only a short time? Doesn't work that way.

That's your problem, there is no instant happiness for any one, so get busy, and keep working until it works.

Now man up! Get the job done. Sorry to be harsh, but we don't wallow in our own s(crap)T. To hell with her, and her friends, who cares.

That's the thing I care about her. I couldn't care less about her friends. I care too much about her. I need to let her go but I can't. I don't know why but I feel like she is the one for me. It sounds sooooo cliché but its true.

I can move on. I can be happy. I can be single. I can find another. I can do everything necessary to be alirght again but doing all these things will not get ready of the feelings that I have for her.

I think you ll find that those feelings will go away-with time.

Yes it will. Nothing is in the absolute and you are only thinking with your feeling. We never told you it's going to be easy, we said it's going to be hard but in the end of the day, you will feel better.

For now, you shouldn't care about what you want or desire, you should just continue NC and continue taking care of yourself. If you take care of your body, your body will take care of your mind.

So here is what went down. No need to tell me that I shouldn't have done this or that. I know what I did is wrong. But I just had so many unanswered questions. The following are the texts that went on between her and I.

Me: Katelyn told me how you and her talked about me. I can't be friends with you right now because I am in love with you. I always will be. So I just need to let you go since you do not have the same feelings for me. I will keep things short and polite as I move on with my life.

Her: Okay I understand. I hope things are going all right.

Me: Things are going great and I'm happy to have received this opportunity because I am having a blast. But no matter where I am I will always think of you. I just wish you had the same feelings for me that I have for you.

Me: I just have a question though. How can you be over me just like that? I know the whole friends and keeping busy thing but still. Were you over me before you even broke up with me? This reminds me of how you broke up with your other ex.

Her: I just felt that I needed to move on and go with my heart, and confidence in this lead me to have no regrets and keep moving forward.

Me: Well thanks for using me as your stepping stone. Much appreciate.

Her: What are you talking about?

Me: What do you thing I'm talking about. You telling me this makes me feel that I was used as an object for your personal needs. You are not the girl I thought you once were.

Her: I can't believe you, do you seriously think I would use you or stay with you if I didn't love you? You weren't a stepping stone, and if I didn't love you I wouldn't have been with you

Me: Well if you loved me you wouldn't have left me. Enjoy your life and have fun being heartless.

Her: There are different kinds of love. I loved you but I needed to go my own way. Don't you dare call me heartless.

Me: Well I guess you had the wrong love for me.

Her: Ive been in love with you many times before, but then I think I came to feel a different kind of love and I couldn't keep going merely out of fear of losing you.

Me: So if you lost all feelings for me why do you want a friendship?

Her: Because I feel connected to you and it would be great if we didn't have to give that up. But I will accept whatever happens.

How the hell can someone be this heartless. What the f***!!

*sigh.. * Yea, so much for NC man. You're just hurt and hurting yourself more. On top of that, you just showed you were weak. Where is your pride? The break up is a life lesson, if you don't learn from it how will go on in life?

Go NC ASAP and apply it until there is no tomorrow. You NEED this time alone. She is at least being honest and straightforward with you, she isn't giving you false hope. That shows her integrity from her part. You need to leave her alone and take care of yourself already.

So you fell off the wagon-time to get back on it again.
You know the drill so no need to advice on NC-will this conversation help you move on?
I hope so-and you shouldn't consider friendship not for a long long time.

Well the reason as to why I did it is because I had nothing to lose. I knew she wasn't coming back so I thought at least I would find out her reasoning.

She is out of my life completely. I will not bat an eyelash at her anymore. F*** her. I don't care if she is happy. I don't care if she succeeds. I don't care about her anymore. I gave her everything. I committed myself 100%. I made her feel like she was on top of the world. Any girl would love to have what I offered her. But what does she do to me? Leaves me. F*** relationships. F*** her. F*** love.

What a shameful display that was. She is what she is, and you had a choice to walk away clean with your head up.

You didn't. I don't have a clue what you expected, but I hope you got it.

I just can't believe you skipped the football games for this.

Yea, that's bad man. You can try and use your anger to move forward now, at least chanel that energy for something positive.

It drove me crazy that I didn't know why she left me. I needed to find out. So according to her her love for me changed. She has a "different" love for me. So I got what I asked for.

How the f*** can someone tell you every day that they love you. How can they give you thoughful notes that say: You are the one for me. You make me complete. I can see being with you for the rest of my life. You have made me happy. etc... How can they do all this and more and then leave? Just like that. This was quick and unexpected. Its as if a switch clicked.

I hope karma is a b****.

I am not a horrible guy. I was that guy that every one loves. That guy that every girl dreams of being married to. If I was an a**hole I would understand. If I didn't treat her well I would understand. If I didn't make her feel like a million bucks, I would understand. If I didn't buy her things, do sentimental things, be there for her during tough times, be her friend, partner, lover, etc... I would understand.

But I was all this and much much more and she chose to leave me.

You don't get to call people names when you're the one pressing someone to explain why they changed. Your actions have led to this point so why be mad you couldn't control her feelings?

People change all the time, and relationships fail, for one reason or another. Don't blame it on her, she gotcha, and you helped her do it.

You don't get to call people names when your the one pressing someone to explain why they changed. Your actions have led to this point so why be mad you couldn't control her feelings?

People change all the time, and relationships fail, for one reason or another. Don't blame it on her, she gotcha, and you helped her do it.

What do you mean by I helped her do it? I helped her feel that way? Is that what you mean by that?

I was there for her in every way. I went out of my way to make her happy in every way. I don't need to list all the things that I did for her but I did not drive her away. I cannot explain why she changed her feelings.

The main problem is that you are "took" care of her and you seem to have forgotten a bit about yourself. Like Tal said, people change and we need to move on.

Yeah, well why should I ever be in another relationship when they will just change their feelings and leave me?

What do you mean by I helped her do
Instead of dropping her like a hot potato, you kept pushing and pushing. You were being the in love puppy dog when you should have left the witch. That's what I meant, but instead of seeing this one sided thing as over, you now chose to not understand how she played you and dumped you. That's what I mean.

You did a lot of good caring things, for someone who didn't deserve it, so you helped her, or let her get away with What she did.

All you had to do was take a few suggestions, and see beyond your own misplaced, and misguided, feelings.

Re read this whole post, the advice hasn't changed at all, and you had enough opportunity to nip this in the bud, and come away clean.

In cases like this, your actions play a big part in all that's happened so don't you dare put it all on her, witch that she is, she didn't MAKE you do anything. That was ENTIRELY your choice.

We all have learned some hard to face facts about ourselves after things like this happen. You aren't the first to fall for the charms and games of someone, and won't be the last.

When you have calmed down you will get over it, we all do. For now it sucks.

I agree all these feelings that I am feeling now are because of my actions. I am the one who asked her. You are very correct there.

All I was saying is that I do not think my actions throughout our relationship is what caused her to change her feelings. I think it was something more internal for her. I was trying to explain how I was trying to do always the best and treat her the way she wanted to be treated. That is why I am angry. I am angry because I feel I tried to be the best boyfriend a girlfriend could have. My feelings were genuine for her and I do not believe she had genuine feelings for me throughout our relationship. That bothers me because she made me believe that her feelings were genuine. When she said that I was the one for her or that I made her complete, I believed her. I was immersed into out life and put myself out there completely. She took those feelings and shattered them into a million of pieces. She used me as a stepping stone to reach a little bit higher in her life.

She said she didn't know if I was the one and needed to go out and find out. Bull because now that she left me she has not want to come back to me at all. She lied to me. She kept on telling me how she wishes we met later in life and not so early on.

Screw her and everything I gave her. I was so gullible and she used my love. I hope she finds everything in life that she is looking for.

Actually I sympathize with you as I can remember how mad at myself I was, when I got played by a really cute playa, whom I believed in everything she said, no matter what it was.

Hell of a lesson, isn't it?

You can say that again. I think early on in the relationship her feelings were genuine. But once things started getting worse then I think they disappeared. Also, after our first break up nothing returned to normal even though life was bliss for the both of us. Those feelings never disappeared even though I made sure to ask her before taking her back. I asked if she will be committed to me and will not regret having stayed with me. YES! She said. Nothing but lies.

She had so many beautiful qualities that I was immediately drawn in. Screw her. I feel bad for the next guy. I can't believe how hurt and angry I am. But I know I will pick myself up and become strong again. I will move on and be successful.

I'm the same as Tal and had the same thing happen to me , and when I think back now and think of all the energy I spent trying to get her back and worrying about all the ifs and buts I cringe. I was such a Doofus :rolleyes:

Now I'm just so glad I have nothing to do with her and learnt some valuable lessons along the way , believe me , you'll do the same once you just let it go.

I do just need to let go. She has caused enough pain. I will not tolerate this crap anymore. I can't believe her true colors are tinted dark black.

Time to go work out and get some frustration out.

I feel more anger than pain now but I feel like tomorrow I will be very very hurt. I hate these damn rollercoasters.

Time to go work out and get some frustration out.

I feel more anger than pain now but I feel like tomorrow I will be very very hurt. I hate these damn rollercoasters.

As long as you decide to keep riding the Roller Coaster your going to continue to have these ups and downs.

Might be a good time to get off at the next stop , we can only tell you why it's a bad ride but it's up to you to get off :cool:

I know exactly what your going through. I hated how I gave my ex my all and somehow it still wasn't enough. It seemed like everything she said was a lie when she left me. I know its hard at first I cried so much when she left and I tried so many things to try and get her back and all it did was push her farther away to the point where I got mad at myself deep down inside and let out all my feelings to her. It felt good when I did it because I hated how she turned out to be the girl I never thought she could be. I look back now knowing that NC really helped me out as I sticked to it and got through all of this sh*t. You will too, you just have to actually apply it to yourself and keep all your bad thoughts to yourself and let them out on your own time when your alone and don't go to her. Don't let yourself down because it will just restart the process. You can do it you just have to believe and get through it because in the end you will be more then amazed with everything you achieved.

Yeah, I definitely take my anger out through my martial arts and working out. It calms me down and it enables me to let all my anger out through bunching bags and physically challenging myself. There is so much that I wish I could tell her but I will not give her that satisfaction. I am applying NC all the way until I heal. I do not want to be friends with her. Im not going to wallow and be sad anymore. I need to stop focusing on her and start focusing on myself. I need to take care of myself and be the driven, ambitious, dedicated, and self confident man that I am.

Well here comes the rollercoaster. I am thinking about how she tells me her love changed for me and how she was able to move on so easily. That hurts so much. My love never changed for her. I don't even want to think about this but it just floats around in my head. I feel like my heart is being used as a punching bag.

Your so caught up in your own emotions, you can't see straight.

You know what brought me some understanding, when my feelings changed for a girl I was dating who was willing to do anything for me. That sucked to disappoint, and hurt someone like that, I mean deeply hurt.

Being on the other side of the fence, gave me a whole different perspective, of not only myself, but others.

One day you'll have the same understanding. Keep living.

How can I NOT be caught up in my emotions? What can I do to stop that? I mean keeping busy, being social, etc... only helps when I am engaged in those activities. But I cannot be busy 24/7.

What is the best way to deal with these emotions? Let them all out? Write them down? Keep them inside? Post them here?

How can I NOT be caught up in my emotions? What can I do to stop that? I mean keeping busy, being social, etc....only helps when I am engaged in those activities. But I cannot be busy 24/7.

What is the best way to deal with these emotions? Let them all out? Write them down? Keep them inside? Post them here?

Post them on here or when you have alone time let your emotions out to yourself it might hurt since you have been building it up inside but letting them all out will make you feel a lot better! Write them down, post on here, etc.

Take the pain, and next time you want to do something stupid, bite your tongue real hard. You have to understand logically and rationally, that those repeated mistakes won't help you get better, only NC will. Read the posts around and you'll see.

I wonder though how long before the next incident. *sigh* yet again.

Well since I am up doing homework like crazy I thought I would take a break and let my feelings out. This is directed towards my ex but since I do not want to directly tell her this I am letting it out here.


I cannot believe how you have changed. I have given you 2 years of my life. I have given you 100% of myself. I was there when you needed someone the most. When you cried I was your shoulder. When you were happy I smiled with you. When you accomplished something great I was there to applaud you. When you had a rough day at work I was there to give you a body massage. When you were in the mood I was there to please you. We embarked on many journeys together. You showed me what love was. You made me believe that you were the one for me. You told me how we could be together for a long time. You told me how I was the one for you. Here you are now. You lost all feelings for me. You want to be friends. You want to see other people. You do not want to be with me. You forgot how good I made you feel. You forgot the countless hours I spent with you. You forgot the trips we took, the passion we shared, the conversations we had, the adventures we went on, and you forgot me. Your family took me in as their son. They loved me and were very glad to have met me. Your brother who almost beat your ex to death loved me. There was not one sister, mother, cousin, uncle, etc.. Who did not love me. The only person who did not love me was you. You lied to me. You kept me on a string. Why did you not leave the first time? I wish I never took you back. I can't stand looking at you anymore. Your heart has turned dark and you are not the person I thought you were. My mind was clouded by your beauty and by your wonderful traits. You are heartless and afraid of commitment. I swear to god that one day you will look back and realize that you made a huge mistake. I will show you who I am and what I can become. I have worked hard my entire life to get where I am. I am determined to make the best out of my cards. You had it easy your entire life. Your parents pamper you in every way and paid every bill. You do not understand hard work. You do not understand pain. You are not the woman for me. I finally can see clearly now. I know I will find one day the woman who will be committed to me. I will find the one who will truly love me. She will not have doubts and once I find her I will give her everything. My heart is filled with pain because of you. My fists are clinched and my vains are filled with anger. But I will not give you the satisfaction you seek. Go and find that man that you seek. Go find out who the hell you want to be. I wish you well and I hope you learn more about love, life, and yourself. F*** you. I was too good for you. You did not deserve anything I gave you. You did not deserve my love. You did not deserve commitment. I should have left you a while ago but I did not realize it. I was inexperienced with this love thing. I am glad I was able to experience it. It is not the first time I have felt great pain. I take this pain and turn it into motivation. I will become stronger and better in every way. You do not know the drive that I posses. I will work until my back breaks until I accomplish my goals. "Per aspera ad astra." "Through the thorns towards the sky." I will go through these thorns. I will be cut. I will hurt. But these thorns will not stop me. I will touch the sky. My wounds will heal.

Wow, reading what I wrote yesterday is crazy. I need to stop worrying about this whole deal. I do not have time to be a mess. It felt very good though to let it out. I need to learn how to focus on myself rather then continue thinking about her. We are done and she needs to leave my thoughts/mind. I am having difficulties with just letting it go. Is there something that I can do to make it easier on myself? Or is this what I have to endure as I apply NC?

There will probably be ups and downs until there are no more downs that's human.
Keep posting and have,as you said, nothing more to do with the ex.
It takes time but you have a great life to look forward to.

Yes you do have to endure. Sometimes the thought of pain hurts worse than the actual pain. You will get use to it though, and make adjustments.

That's how you learned to ride a bike isn't it? Had you given up when you fell down, you wouldn't learn. So the fact is when life knocks you down, get back up, and keep moving forward.

Over time you LEARN to let go.

Confession: I didn't know any of these things back in my youth, (I was a really bad listener) and some lessons it took some very hard slaps upside my thick skull to get it right. Just trying to save you some slaps upside your head, because as you get older they still hurt sometimes, and maybe your head was not as thick as mine.

Yep,
We're basically trying to save you from more pain, NC is tough and hard, but everyday that passes it GETS easier. Especially if you take care of yourself full time.

I am so hurt. The last six months was all one big lie. I can't believe how I was used by her. I believed she changed. I can't even describe the pain that is inside me.

I feel so used. I feel I was taken advantage of. What did I do to deserve this? My heart is bleeding and I can't make it stop. How can someone be so evil and use me for their own needs. I gave her everything.

I need a break. This happened during the worst week possible.

I am so hurt. The last six months was all one big lie. I can't believe how I was used by her. I believed she changed. I can't even describe the pain that is inside me.

I feel so used. I feel I was taken advantage of. What did I do to deserve this? My heart is bleeding and I can't make it stop. How can someone be so evil and use me for their own needs. I gave her everything.

I need a break. This happened during the worst week possible.

I felt the same thing. It will soon fade after time.

I am so hurt. The last six months was all one big lie. I can't believe how I was used by her. I believed she changed. I can't even describe the pain that is inside me.

I feel so used. I feel I was taken advantage of. What did I do to deserve this? My heart is bleeding and I can't make it stop. How can someone be so evil and use me for their own needs. I gave her everything.

I need a break. This happened during the worst week possible.

Yep... and the hurt and pain will keep going on as long as you let it. Only you can let go of all this.

Blaming your problems on her, accusations of being slighted, all the self-pity and loathing isn’t her, it’s you. Let it go. It’s over. Quit thinking about it and damn sure quit wallowing in it. Allow it to run off you like water on a duck’s back.

How do I do this? I know I need to stick to nc. But how do I let go?

How do I do this? I know I need to stick to nc. But how do I let go?

By giving yourself more time to heal.

Take a chill pill and get yourself busy. Don't make any more mistakes! Be strong and have some sense of pride!

Yeah after this week I'm going to take some time off from work and relax for once. I'm am very stressed out right now and having to deal with this is not as easy. But I'm not here to pity myself. I will work hard and get through this. What has happened, has happened. Time to pick my a** off the floor.

I feel so dead.

I have been running on only a few hours of sleep these past few days. I have work over my head and it does not look like it will stop any time soon. My face hurts from having to put this fake smile on my face. I am not wallowing in my pain, just writing my feelings down. I am moving on but this is so hard. I know things will get better soon but I am in the now and this is how I feel.

I just want to give up. I want to drop everything. I need a break. I will snap if I do not get myself in control soon. My motivation to do my work has been diminishing day by day. I feel like I am on auto pilot. My body is moving on its own but my mind is somewheres else. My heart is in pain and time is not moving fast enough. I don't know how much longer I can stay confident and strong.

I give up.

Damn it!! I will not wallow in this pain. I will not give up. Why hell am I such a dumbass. Screw all this pain . Time to man up and do work.

By the way I have a random question.

There is a girl that I recently met. She is insanly good looking, confident, smart, and very much like my type. I have heard from some of my friends that she is hard to get and many boys chase her.

How do I distinguish myself from the rest and capture her attention. I was told by my friend that I need to be confident, social, and pretend hard to get.

Now I am bringing my A game tomorrow. I will dress up real nice and be the confident man I am. Any advice on how to get a girl that is hard to get?

I am not looking to date her yet but I am looking to go on a date or two. Should I ask her to go out together after my first meeting with her? Do I play it cool and just discuss the subject at hand and not mention anything else?

Don't you think you've got enough Demons going on in your head at the moment without introducing another one??

I don't even know what the he'll is wrong with me. My emotions change by the minute. I need to takecontrol of them.

Hey... im having almost the same trouble as you... got together and I loved it then she broke up and after 6 months we got back together and now we have been broken up for a month... I have been talking to a new girl and going on a second date tomorrow. Just relax and be yourself around her. Don't try too hard and just be cool. You don't want to try and be someone you are not because then she won't like you later. If she likes you for you then that's what counts. But right now, although it's a good thing to keep you busy, you have to take it extremely slow. I have been doing very good and I am very proud of myself considering how much I loved my ex. But since it is still a little in the back of my head I am taking it very slow with the girl I am dating now. Maybe at least for another month which I assume I should be over it totally. I am doing this as a smooth transition.

Yeah, I think my transition is a little more bumpy with all the damn high's and lows I am having.

There are days where I just want to drop everything and say f' it to everything but then there are days were I am so motivated to do well.


This is one hell of a life lesson.
Thank you everyone for staying with me and continue supporting me even when I get like this. I appreciate everything piece of advice and I apologize for not following some of it. I am learning through experience.

There will be a post hopefully soon where I will let you all know that I am fine. I will tell you all how I have moved on and am ready to live life again as a single man.

Hope you get to that part man.

Once again just posting here to let my feelings out.

Here I am. Its almost midnight. I am keeping busy with my assignments. I look out the windows and I think of you. I think of the moments we shared. I think of the happiness that I once had. I am heartbroken that this ended this way. I cannot believe that I had to learn from you that the past six months were all a lie. I do not know why you stuck with me. Why did you hurt me twice? I am praying for time to pass so that my heart can scar and have the bleeding stop. You are most likely in your room studying. You are not even batting an eyelash as you turn the pages of your book. Your heart feels not remorse. You heart does not feel guilt. Your heart is healed. You do not realize the pain that I am in. You do not sympathize for me and the situation that you put me in. I wish I could tell you all this but it would not help me in any way. I truly hope that one day you realize the mistake you made. I hope that one day you realize the pain you inflicted onto me. You are too young and have not realized what your actions have done to me. Maybe you never will. Maybe your heart will always be like this. Here I sit in my puddle. The pieces of my broken heart floating around.

I look at myself and wonder what type of man I am. Am I too weak? Am I too caring? Am I too compassionate? Am I too sensitive? Do I need to change? Do I need to be strong? Do I need to be more masculine? I do not know why you left me? I do not know what changed in me that lead you to loose your feelings for me?

I fell hard because I invested so much of myself into this relationship. I fell hard and now I am having a difficult time picking myself up. I know I will be fine one day. I know I will love again. I know I will find another. I know I will be successful. I know I will do great in all my future endeavors.

I was made to believe that I was in a fairy tale. You professing your love for me kept this fairy tale alive. I never realized that this was a fairy tale. I believed it to be true. This fairly tale turned into reality and you showed me your true colors. Now I am alone. Now I am hurt. Now I am building myself back up. I am learning from this experience. As my heart heals and scars up it is becoming stronger. I am growing and becoming a better man. You will not take advantage of what I have to offer anymore. I will battle through the lows and enjoy the highs.

My stomach is upset, my insides are all twisted up, and my heart is in pain. My mind is exhausted and my body is tired. I have no drive today and I just want to give up. But never have I done this before. When I fall I get up. When I hurt, I heel fast. But this is the first time I feel different. I am sick of struggling and gasping for happiness. I am sick of the emotional rollercoaster. There is nothing I can do besides let time pass. But it feels as if time has stopped for me and my emotions continue to stay the same. I don't know how much longer I can be strong. So these are the consequences of love. These are the lost pages in the fairy tale books that are not shown. She is winning and I am losing. Losing my mind, my strength, my motivation, and my ability to reason.

Today is a low.

AE-. It s not been a month yet-be patient with yourself.
Plus you have to see her in class sometimes.
You can't force the healing it happens gradually.
Are you getting enough sleep?

I usually do but the last few days have been very stressful and I have been averaging 4 hours of sleep a night. I need to continue doing this for a few more days until all the exams are done.

Ok so long as you get back to normal soon.
Try to have a good day.

I remember the trip we took to Cape Cod. We had a blast together, spending our time on the lake, swimming in the ocean, kayaking together, visiting surrounding towns, strolling through Province Town, getting lost, roasting marshmallows, and much much more.

I remember our trips to Montreal. We enjoyed visiting Notre Dam, eating in old Montreal, sight seeing, sleeping in a sketchy hotel, shopping, and dining at different places.

I remember visiting NY & NYC. We enjoyed listening to different cultures, rock climbing, hiking different state parks, visiting family, sleeping in late, visiting China town/Little Italy, and enjoying the company of our friends.

I remember the countless hours spent together. I remember the experiences we shared. I remember the countless adventures we went on, the countless miles driven, and the new places we explored. I remember the white rafting trip we went on even though I had a fractured rib. I remember teaching you taekwondo and how to grapple. I remember the skinny dipping, the passion, the love, and any other feelings associated with you.

I loved waking up in the morning and feeling your warmth on my skin. I loved your soft lips. I loved running my hands along your beautiful thin and curvy body. I loved your curly brown hair. I loved your intelligence, your maturity, and everything else.

I remember our first kiss, our first date, and our first time. I remember the time I randomly took you to the outlook. I turned on the headlights, blasted the music, and took you out to dance in the middle of the night under the stars.

I remember how we talked all summer before we saw it each other in college. I remember the 8+ hour conversations we had on AIM. We stood up all night until the sun peaked through the windows. I remember running through the sprinklers with you, dancing in the water fountain, and dancing at the clubs.

I loved but now all this is gone. All these memories and many more are inscribed in my heart. But now you are gone. Here I am sitting in my bed with tears running down my face as I write this down.

Do you remember living before you met her? Did you not have a life before her? Are you not capable of living after her?

Quit wallowing. She's just some girl. When you finally get her off this pedestal you've placed her upon you'll figure that out.

Do you remember living before you met her? Did you not have a life before her? Are you not capable of living after her?

Yes I remember living before her. I remember hiding in the closet with my sister at age 5 because the soldiers were knocking at our door. I remember my mother telling us not to come out no matter what we heard. I remember fighter jets flying a few feet above our house. I remember the bullet holes in our house. I remember my uncle sleeping in front of our house with a gun in his lap. I remember having to leave my country and moving to Germany. I remember being discriminated by others. I remember not being allowed into a certain school because I was foreign. I remember having to leave that country too and loose everything once again. I remember coming her and watching my parents divorce after everything that has happened. I remember my dad attempting suicide. I remember having to be the parent and not the child. I remember my sister screwing up and constantly fighting with my parents. I remember working my off to be accepted by my peers in school because I was the new kid. She opened my eyes to new experiences. She took me in and accepted me for who I was. I did not have to pretend to be strong or be anyone else besides myself.

I am capable of living after her but it is hard to let go of what I had.

Well stop remembering the past and start living for the future. I realize you have been through a lot, so start using your experiences to get over your freaking self pity! It is getting borderline ridiculous! You still have a heartbeat... utilize it!

Dude... read your posts again. Hard to let go?!

She not only crushed you once but several times. From what I gather from YOUR accounts she's a self centered, self serving little trollope. This hag has been wiping her feet on you for a damn long time.

Well stop remembering the past and start living for the future. I realize you have been through a lot, so start using your experiences to get over your freaking self pity! It is getting borderline ridiculous! You still have a heartbeat...utilize it!

Borderline ridiculous? No, this is ridiculous. I do not want to feel this way. I have never in my entire life been this weak. I have conquered all this s*** above and never looked back. I don't know why this is so different. Compared to my past this should not be this hard. But it is.


Dude... read your posts again. Hard to let go?!?

She not only crushed you once but several times. From what I gather from YOUR accounts she's a self centered, self serving little trollope. This hag has been wiping her feet on you for a damn long time.

She might have done that but she also gave me more than anyone else.

Buddy your doing this to yourself. I wish you luck.

Ciao.

I don't care what you have to do to fake it, but you need to stand up, look in the mirror and repeat until your freaking throat hurts, "I will NOT let this beat me!"

No one owes you anything in life, no matter what you have endured. Fight the battle, continue progressing and stand true to what you want to be. Are you proud of yourself right now?

I am feel ashamed of myself for being this weak. I am far from proud.

I am feel ashamed of myself for being this weak. I am far from proud.

I am ashamed that you aren't proud of yourself. Get off your a$$ and start telling yourself you will get through this. NO MATTER WHAT!! You aren't weak, you are human. Welcome to the club. Just like any other human, you too can defeat this.

It seems you are wallowing in self-pity and it's a defense mechanism. You still don't the realities, she has left you that's it. And no, you cannot equate good times to you dating her. You seem to be a bit weak, so try this: count the days of NC, and set yourself a goal. For example, your goal, would be to have 6 packs. If you have 6 packs, then 8 packs. Or if you are learning something new, set yourself a time limit to learn it... Basically start focusing on yourself. Also take a chill pill, you probably need it.

As for your history, it is sad but you shouldn't wallow in it. I know my family passed through a similar situation of genocide and war. We never let it affect our present or future, for the sake of the people who lived in the past.

I am over the past. It has brought me here and made me into the man I am. I am not wallowing in the past but I am wallowing in this. Once I started college and started dating her everything finally seemed to feel normal. Life was good. All my hard work paid off. Balance finally has been achieved and life for the first time was everything I dreamed of.

Wrong, everything is what you are dreaming for, not dreamed. A girl should not be your dream, what you have achieved and what you are going to achieve is. You know that life is going to throw you obstacle that is going to be much harder than that, it's basically a lesson. If you don't learn and cope with this lesson you'll never grow and you'll never be able to tackle much harder obstacle in life.

I find it funny though because everyone is telling me to stop wallowing in my own pain. But when I asked how do I stop I was told that I just need to let time pass.

I know I am the one who needs to take responsibilities for my own actions. I know that I have the power to control my emotions.

Maybe you just need to come up with new dreams.

What do you mean?

You are speaking in terms of complete absolutes, as if this is as good as it gets and your dreams, once fulfilled, are now history because of a break up. So, dream more, come up with new dreams, whatever. Evolve your goals towards something that doesn't revolve around a female.

You know the one thing all dreams have in common? They END. So we come up with new dreams and a new life to adore.

We always have to adjust our hopes and dreams and goals to fit the ever changing life around us.

Read Emopunks story, and see where your both similar. Keep in mind this is his second go round here.


But when I asked how do I stop I was told that I just need to let time pass.


That where the stickies come in. And patience.

What's fun to you? (excluding anything to do with her)

Well I enjoy photography very much and martial arts. I love learning and meeting new people. I enjoy being active in every way. I love traveling. I love enjoying life. I love accomplishing and challenging myself.

Okay, I don't get on her much anymore but I was familiar with your story. I was you, back in high school. I dated a girl for a few years, she would feed me the line "I need to find myself" and break up, only so she could go find her legs wrapped around someone else, foolishly I took her back and she did it again, only this time it hurt more, because you have always been told "if you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you then you know" Well needless to say, that was wrong.

Now, you are stuck at a point where you have reached rock bottom. You are looking at all the negatives, think about the one true positive you have. You can only go up from here. It's hard but it's life, it's going to beat you down and it won't offer you a hand. If you won't pick yourself up, then maybe you don't belong on your feet.

You have to ask yourself one serious question, look in the mirror and ask "Am I going to beat this or am I going to allow this to beat me?"

You know the one thing all dreams have in common? They END. So we come up with new dreams and a new life to adore.

I like this a lot

I agree with you completely. Just like you said the second time around is more difficult. When she came back I believed her that she was committed this time around and I believed that she would not have the feelings anymore. Also, I invested myself completely because I was made to believe that she was committed.

But today was a good day. I think it was important to go through this because it helped me let out all the emotions that were kept inside.

I will pick myself back up and I will be strong again.

But today was a good day. I think it was important to go through this because it helped me let out all the emotions that were kept inside.

I will pick myself back up and I will be strong again.

Things will become bad, but just accept the horrible feelings because you know things will become better. A good way I'm dealing with this rollercoaster. I have my down days. Yeah it can hurt like hell. But I still keep in mind that it will pass and just let it come and go. As time passes, you'll notice a drop in the daily percentage of depression you experience. Especially if you're keeping busy socializing and setting goals for yourself.

Thank you all for helping me today. Today was a rough day. I don't know if it was the lack of sleep that I've been getting the last few nights or the added stress of this week. Either way today I had a big time low and you all helped me through it.

THANK YOU!!

Rest is important also for healing. Take time to relax and do whatever you really like (video games, music... ).

I will do just that once Friday roles around. This week is hell week and I have been bombarded with exams and essays. It will slow down after tomorrow.

I met another girl today. She is beautiful and has many qualities that I adore. We talked about possibly getting together this Friday and going out for a drink.

Random question. So the girl I talked to today was very cute and her and I got along well. We talked about this bar where you can play board games and she said to me: "maybe I will see you there this Saturday and we can a round of apple's to apple's."

Does that have any underlying meanings or does it just mean that she wants to play a game of apples to apples?


AND don't worry, I am not moving into another relationship. I just want to know if this girl is into me.

My advice is to think less and do more. Quit thinking about an inherent meaning behind something and just go, explore and enjoy.

To be honest, from the sounds of it, you sound like you are looking for female attention, which usually hints at feeling lonely. I hope you aren't trying to replace one female for another.

Its not as much loneliness as it is meeting new people. I was given this opportunity now to go out and date. I always have been the relationship type and now I just want to have fun and meet as many people as possible. Also, I am doing this to keep my mind busy and it feels good knowing that females are interested in you.

I do not want to be in a relationship any time soon because as you can clearly tell, I am not ready for one.

So long as you can go on a date and enjoy her company, I highly recommend it, but that's where it stops. Nothing wrong with having fun with a male or female friend.

Just to buck your argument though, according to your posts in this thread you already know females are interested in you and find you attractive. If you just wanted attention, you wouldn't need a date to prove it.

I use the term "date" rather loosely. Also, I tend to post often how I go out with just females but I go out with many male friends too.

But I think in the beginning I was trying to find anyone who would just keep me company because I did feel lonely and just needed to have someone around me. But that has changed now.

As long as it is company and nothing else for now. It doesn't hurt to get some attention just be clear of what your intentions are to any girls.

Yes, I agree. I do not have to proper mindset at this time to be in a relationship. Also, I remember someone saying in this thread that when they stopped looking for someone that is when they found the one for them.

I just want to have fun now and go out and meet new people. If I meet someone special while I am socializing that is great. If not that is fine too. I did not look my for ex when I first met her. Life happened and that is how we got introduced. Life will happen again and I will meet someone else.

Ok, I had a moment of clarity. I am just sitting here studying for a midterm and I just stop for a moment to think. I realized how I need to stop all this pity and wallowing. Damn, life is too good to be depressed. I will be fine. I am a young attractive man with many great qualities. I need to have fun now and let life happen. There is no need to rely on anyone else besides myself. Time to work on myself and my future career. Time to have fun. Time to enjoy and continue exploring. Time to dream and continue working hard to achieve my goals. I've been holding myself back. I've been hurting myself. No more of this crap.

If I have another low, I will deal with it. I will not remain stuck in it. I will not let one person change my life.


I cannot wait until all my exams are done because I am going all out this weekend. I want to go dancing in the clubs and feel happy again. I want to have fun with friends. I have some much confidence, happiness, and strength running through my body.

This is the ultimate high so far. One high that not one drug can come close to. This is the moment where I let go of the past and focus on the present and future.

The one thing I can say about life: the only thing that counts are the memories you make. At the end of the day try and have more good than bad memories.

I agree with that and I also think that life is about the relationships you form with others.

Have a great time. :-)

I love it when people share their good days, and not just the bad ones.

Much luck with those exams.

It is so strange how emotions can overpower your rational thinking. I think this is something I need to work on. I cannot always let my emotions carry me away.

I think there is still a twisty road ahead of me where I will have my ups and downs but I think this time I will be more prepared. I will not let them control me.

Martial arts and sport helps you for that ( I know mine does ). I have a better control over myself when I've trained and I gain confidence along the way. Now you are really taking control of your own life.

Well, my exams are complete and I finally was able to get a full 8 hours of sleep today compared to the 8 total hours I had in the past 2-3days.

I still am working on moving on, I still have this odd hurt/sad feeling inside, and I am still adjusting to this big change.

But I am super happy because I am going to a bar with this girl I met the other day tomorrow and then I am going dancing with her and some friends of mine later on. Also, I am going out with another good friend this weekend to discuss some business plans.

Even though I have been affected by this break up greatly I have not lost sight of my goals. I am currently in the process of opening a photography business with a friend. I have a few gallery openings and exhibits coming within the next few months. I am doing well in school, meeting plenty of new friends, socializing, flirting with girls, working out, and having a good time even though I am busy every second of the day.

I just need to let time pass and heal my wounds a bit more. I am dreaming and standing tall once again.

Update: So I had the best night since the last 2 months. I went on a date with a girl met. I had no intentions besides having a good night. We went to a bar and just got to know each other. From there we went to a club and danced. After that I drove her home. She invited me inside to meet her roomates. They were asleep so o decided to head out. She gave me a hug and we ended up kissing/making out. Twice. I didn't want to go any further so I went home. I am looking for anything nor am I hoping for something to happen. I'm going to let life happen and just have a good time.


I am so happy I could just hug anyone around me.

I think there is a discrepancy between what you say and what you do and that's bad. That is not the proper way to healing *sigh* yet again.

You DON'T use anyone to get over your ex. Even if you say I didn't want anything to do with it, you ended kissing her and that made you feel good. You may feel good for some time, but after that you'll have many lows because you will miss the affectionate feelings of having someone. Even if it is only a kiss.

Having a good time when you just broke up is not about flirting or going out with one girl, on a date, to take your mind off your ex. It is about spending quality times with friends and socializing (with more than one person) and hanging out in a group.

You were feeling really bad a couple of days ago and now you're feeling a super high? That's the low and high you were talking about and you have to control your emotions. If you want to do this the proper way, don't fool around and take time to heal properly. I've been there and I had the same low's and high's but it's unealthy on the long term.

I agree with you for the most part. I have been socializing with friends. I've been going to parties, doing photography with friends, lunch, hanging out, watching movies together, etc...

But also I have been going on dates because it feels good getting attention from the opposite sex. The kiss wasn't planned and it just happened. I've been trying to control my life in many ways but now I am just letting certain things happen. Yes I felt great.

The more I do things like that the faster I move on. I realize that I still need time to heal but I am not rushing into anything.

I think as long as your honest with yourself, and treat others the same way, nothing wrong with having a great time. A kiss is just a kiss, at this point, but you did well for a first date, as long as you stay within the bounds of good behavior, and not get carried away by YOUR OWN feelings.

You done good for yourself grasshopper. Just don't go having sex, and think your in love after a few dates.

Talaniman Rule-Date them all, short, fat, skinny or tall. 18-80, blind cripple, or crazy.

Hard to get attached to one, when you like them all. And that's what you need, to stay uncommited, unattached, and have fun getting to know them all.

There is plenty of time for romance later, when your really ready, and not lonely, or in lust.

What I'm really saying, it is excellent to have a good and fun time. Just don't overdo it.

I can probably explain with my own example. After my break up, about 3 months later, I was overally happy and getting high's all the time, but it became a drug. I wanted it more and more, just keep going out, flirting with girls, making sure they were checking me out.
It affected a lot of things especially my studying.

Now I have much better control of my feelings and emotions, I can go and have tons of fun, but I'm remembering all the other important things in my life (school, future, familly, sport and volunteering). In time you will learn to control emotions and see that everything is mostly back to normal without her AND you have become a better, fuller person, who doesn't NEED the attention of girls to feel good.

You should feel good alone with the things you do in life, not with the people you attract.

I love talaniman rules.

I think if I really wanted to I could have received more than a kiss but I knew better than that. Also, she is a sweetheart but I am not thinking beyond a date. I do need to be honest with myself and her so that I do not hurt anyone. But I do enjoy dating and I will only keep it at that for a while.

But it is so hard to keep it at a kiss only. Damn!

This is strange. I am experiencing a low but it is very different this time. I am not thinking about her. I am not thinking about how I miss her. I am not thinking about what she is doing. I am not thinking about anything related to her.

I think it has more to do with the fact that I miss being in a relationship. I miss having someone by my side. I miss caring for someone, etc... I feel good about being a single because I have the opportunities to do whatever I want, whenever I want, and with whomever I want. I love meeting new friends, flirting, and just socializing in general. I am accomplishing a lot more too. I am working out again 3 days a week, spending more time on my academics, and hanging out with my friends more.

It is weird. I am not thinking about her anymore. I am not sad that we broke up. I still love her but I do not care about getting back together. I know this is a low and it will go away by tomorrow.

I wonder why it is that I am missing being in a relationship? I am happy as a single person and have come to realize that I do not need another person by my side. But I still miss being in a relationship. I do not need a relationship to make me happy but it is a different type of happiness when you are in a meaningful relationship.

But, maybe I am just lying to myself. Who knows.

I guess I still need to let time pass.

This is normal... It has only been about a month since you posted here. You had a high the other day and now you are experiencing a low. This will happen for a while so don't over analyze. Give it another month and you will be a bit better. Take your time and just make sure during this OH SO DRAGGING time that you don't slack in your work because you will feel more down. Don't worry too much. You are cool and of course you want a relationship because you just came out of one. In time you won't feel that way. I'm going through the same and maybe you can answer my question now in I can't TRUST MY GIRLFRIEND... LOL Feel free to email me at... can help you any time with advice as I've been through all this just hangin in there going through it again but this time I control my emotions a lot better and I'm not making the same mistakes. You will be fine and that's the bottom line. Just hang in there. You will have better times with someone else or maybe you will find a new way of enjoying life without a relationship for a while. Your life can be unique. Who knows? Enjoy life my friend. Its too short to stay down SO GET THE HECK UP!!
Lol... stay cool friend! Stay cool.

I wonder why it is that I am missing being in a relationship? I am happy as a single person and have come to realize that I do not need another person by my side. But I still miss being in a relationship. I do not need a relationship to make me happy but it is a different type of happiness when you are in a meaningful relationship.

But, maybe I am just lying to myself. Who knows.

I guess I still need to let time pass.

I think you realize you need to let more time pass. As you know I have kept up on both of your threads and it is clear you are still deeply hurt by this break up. We all like that feeling of having a special someone to comfort us and to hold, hug and kiss. That is fine and dandy, but try and remember there are also drawbacks to being in a relationship (see my thread in regards to "Joys of being single"). For everything there is a reaction we may not enjoy, the key is to at least enjoy what we have regardless of what we may miss.

Missing a relationship can easily result in rebounds because you will be tempted to find a quick replacement for that missing part in your life.

That's why you need to focus on recovering and learning how to be single again.

Once you've completely recovered, you will be in a better position to start a new relationship.

Yes, I agree. I am realizing that I need more time. I really enjoy the freedom right now. Before I was very constrained. Most of the time I did not mind being constrained because I loved hanging out with my significant other as much as possible. But, there were time that I felt like I needed space. Now I do not have to ask for space.

Also, I enjoy the freedom to be able to talk to anyone I would like to. I can hang out with my friends any time that I am available and do not have to think about my partner. If there is a girl that I like I can flirt with her without getting into trouble. I can go out on dates and I can hang out with different groups of friends.

I guess I am just overlooking the positive aspects sometimes of being single. I really enjoy being able to work out again 3 days a week and also being able to do more of my photography.

I wish, you are correct too. If I want to be in a relationship it needs to be because I have strong feelings for a person. Right now I do not know if I do. I enjoyed the first date very much and there definitely was a connection but I think I need to staying friends with her in order to 1.) continue healing and 2.) figure out who she is and if this is a person I would consider dating.

So today after class, I left just as I do every time. I had my headphones on and was minding my own business. She approached me from behind and touched me on my arm to get my attention. She asked me how I did on an assignment, how my day was and other small talk questions. I kept things short and polite. She said have a great day and left me.



Weird. That does not help me at all but I actually didn't get angry or sad.

You did good. Keep it civil, put on a happy face. Don't bring up the "heavy" stuff. You are doing fine.

Why does she do that? To be friendly? To start a friendship? Because she misses me?

Only she knows that. Don't analyse her actions-it ll only confuse you. Take it in your stride and forget about it.

I found out yesterday through a good friend that my ex has already a boyfriend.


*Sarcasm alert*

But I thought she needed to go and explore herself and find out who she is. I mean that's what she told me. Not go out to go explore new d**k. Not the first time she told me a lie.

So what did I do when I found this out. I went to my taekwondo school and punched the bag until I couldn't punch anymore.




Here is my whole deal with this. I don't care that she has a boyfriend. It was going to happen sooner or later. The thing that bothers me the most is that she could get over me so fast. It took her only a month, if that, to get over me. Now she is already in another relationship.

Whatever, as long as she is happy. Right?

Well there you go-all that explore oneself speak often means Im thinking of testing the market,doesn't it?
But he s her rebound whichever way one looks at it so it ll probably not work.
I hope knowing that she s a liar will help you moving on.
Keep punching that bag!

Hey buddy! U did great in taekwondo, and I have to disgaree that its not about as long as she is happy. Its as long as u don't give a da*n what she's doing. MOSTLY, its not in a short period, the guy has already appear somewhere during the relationship as a "new fren". That's what happens when some girls can't stay within boundaries... U don't need such fancy girl as a wife material :)

Keep it up in taekwondo! Channel the energy!

Through meeting new people and by seeing my ex's actions I now know that she is not the one for me. I thought that she used to have every quality that I was looking for but she did not, I realize this now. I can do better then her and by better I mean I can find someone who will match me better. They will not compete with me. They will not continuously want to be with me. They will also not make me look and feel like crap.

I found out yesterday through a good friend that my ex has already a boyfriend.


*Sarcasm alert*

But I thought she needed to go and explore herself and find out who she is. I mean thats what she told me. Not go out to go explore new d**k. Not the first time she told me a lie.

So what did I do when I found this out. I went to my taekwondo school and punched the bag until I couldn't punch anymore.




Here is my whole deal with this. I don't care that she has a boyfriend. It was going to happen sooner or later. The thing that bothers me the most is that she could get over me so fast. It took her only a month, if that, to get over me. Now she is already in another relationship.

Whatever, as long as she is happy. Right?

You are bothered by it, hence the anger. She isn't with you anymore so let her be. It's kind of hypocritical to say that about her, when you yourself went kissing, dating and sleeping around. Don't judge her on her actions, just let it go and concentrate on yourself.

It always happens, a girls break up and dates the next guy in town. It's called a rebound and the people are too weak to be alone.

You are correct. I shouldn't be mad because I am doing my own thing too. But I really do not think that I could have just brushed it off. I needed to take my anger out. I feel better today. I am not dwelling on it as much.

Its funny though how just the other day she came up to me to chat it up and now I find out she has a boyfriend.

Next time she comes up to talk to me, I will politely tell her not to talk to me anymore.

You are correct. I shouldn't be mad because I am doing my own thing too. But I really do not think that I could have just brushed it off. I needed to take my anger out. I feel better today. I am not dwelling on it as much.

Its funny though how just the other day she came up to me to chat it up and now I find out she has a boyfriend.

Next time she comes up to talk to me, I will politely tell her not to talk to me anymore.

What you should have done in the first place. Make it clear though.

All right. An update for you all who have not been followng the dating thread.

I would say I am 90-95% over my ex and have been doing great. I have been able to do whatever I want and whenever I want. I've been focusing on school for the most part and just having a good time.

I have met a new girl and together we have been entertaining the thought of getting into a relationship. She is head over heals for me and I like her very much. I have concluded though that I am still not ready for a new relationship and I asked her if we could take things SLOW.

I still need to tell her how I am not compeltely sure what I want right now. I do not know if I want to be single or be in a relationship. I need to make this clear to her because I do not want to hurt her feelings.

I really enjoy this independence and just having time to myself. Another thing I need to ask her is what she wants in a relationship and also tell her what I want. Right now I am looking for someone who will challenge me mentally, philosopically, and academically. I am also looking for someone who will make me see new ways of thinking, new places, and just different life styles. I do not want to become stagnant and want to be very active in my life.

This first love break up has been one hell of an adventure. I never new that I could think so irrationally, that a girl could screw me up so bad, and that I could overcome it. Reflecting back on it I am glad that it ended for many reasons. I was also able to gain so much insight about myself. I have learned much and will take this new knowledge and apply it to the future.

Was my "first true love" worth it? YES! I have enjoyed many great times with the ex. She is a great person and will always have a spot in my heart. I can see now that we are not compatible and that we just need to part our ways. Maybe one day we can become friends but I am not counting on anything.

So to all those going through a break up I would recommend reading this thread because you can see the process that I underwent. You can see where I messed up and where I succeeded. You can see the ups and downs. You can see how NC really helped me get over my ex.

Good luck to all those out there and I hope I can use this new found knowledge and share it with others.

Big THANKS to all those who have helped me through this. You all know who you are.

So I am having ex withdrawals. Out of the blue I became really depressed over her. I have been doing so well the last month. She even came up to me and was telling me how she had a new boyfriend and how I didn't know him. She was trying to throw it in my face and make me jealous. That did not bother and all I said to her is that I hope everything is going well for her. I kept on seeing her in class and that didn't bother me. Nothing bothered me and that made me believe that I was over her, hence why I continued pursuing this new relationship.

But I am so sad right now and cannot stop thinking about her. I keep telling myself to stop and focus on something else. I know this will pass but I feel so sad that I do not know what to do anymore.

Also, please don't tell me that "I told you so..." or "Rebound". I just can't handle that at this point.

What do I do and why do I still feel like this?

It's been a little over two months?
What you're feeling is normal,it's yet another dip and it will pass.
Plus she told you about her new BF which makes the breakup very final.
You were together for quite some time, be patient with yourself.

2 months is not very long in terms of healing from a painful break up. You need to continue to be patient with yourself. You can't rush the healing process. Take whatever time you need to recover.

Your impatience is going to make you fustrated.

Be patient. Time does heal all wounds. You just haven't given yourself enough time yet.

Yes its been little over 2 months.

Another thing that hurts is that all my friends and her are getting back together and I am being excluded. This is a long story but basically freshman year we all met each other. I introduced my roommate to the group and he became good friends with everyone. Him and I had a disagreement because he started having serious drug problems. The group disliked me because I was trying to help him out. Then the drug problem affected the rest of the group and they stopped being friends with him. Now that my ex and I are done, the entire old group of friends are back together. My ex is hanging out with my freshman roommate and the rest of the group and here I am on the outskirts. So not only did I loose the girl I once loved, but all my friends that I met my first year.


This is very hard for me to see and hear about. I am able to make new friends and have made plenty of new friends but I feel so excluded.

That's a shame but had they been real friends you wouldn't have lost them. And you have new friends so make sure you see them and have some fun.

I've told you so... lol! I had to do it.

Kidding aside, it's more than normal to feel this way it's only been 2 months. It's also kind of normal to lose friends but you know what, you can always find others. I learned that you need to make the first move toward people without looking needy and they will invite you back.

What you need to do now is to take care of yourself. You can't break up with your girlfriend right now as it will be really selfish and it will hurt her.

Do the things you were doing before, socialize, make friends, train...

If you're going to keep on getting updates about your ex, you're going to keep on resetting your progress.

I'm sorry that you're being left out of events because your ex shows up. But think about it this way:

1) Would you rather show up to these events and prolong your misery?

2) Or would you rather heal properly so that you can move forward with your life?

What's wrong with making new friends while you're recovering? You can always go back to your old friends once you've recovered.

I've told you so... lol! I had to do it.

Kidding aside, it's more than normal to feel this way it's only been 2 months. It's also kind of normal to lose friends but you know what, you can always find others. I learned that you need to make the first move toward people without looking needy and they will invite you back.

What you need to do now is to take care of yourself. You can't break up with your girlfriend right now as it will be really selfish and it will hurt her.

Do the things you were doing before, socialize, make friends, train...
Yeah, I really do not know why I complain sometimes because I really do not have a problem finding new friends. I have met many new friends and have been having a good time. But its just the past that comes up once in a while and haunts me. Also, I would not want to break up with the new girl because A.) I cannot let my past control my life and B.) I still feel like her and I have something.




If you're going to keep on getting updates about your ex, you're going to keep on resetting your progress.

I'm sorry that you're being left out of events because your ex shows up. But think about it this way:

1) Would you rather show up to these events and prolong your misery?

2) Or would you rather heal properly so that you can move forward with your life?

What's wrong with making new friends while you're recovering? You can always go back to your old friends once you've recovered.

You are right. It is very hard for me but I have stopped hanging out with the old group of friends. I see them here or there in passing and I talk to them there but that is about it. I really want to heal properly because there is so much that I still have to experience and I do not want this being in the back of my head, weighing me down.

If only you can see the other side of the coin, you have a new life to be excited about, so let this temporary storm pass, and just keep moving forward.

Took me a lot longer to get where you are, back in the day, so take heart, your doing better than you think.

Thank you Tal.
I do have to look at the other side of the coin. I have made new friends, I am doing well in school, I am starting a research project from scratch, I am staying healthy and working out, I have a new girlfriend, and I have learned a lot from this breakup.

I guess the only thing that bothers me is that I am afraid that I will not find another woman who I will be in love with. This is a very stupid thought since I know barely anyone gets married to their first love.

a4effort, I'm on a same boat, it's been a month and today, just killing me man.. really tough..

It's really hard when you feel you are not "loved" but you just need to work into it. I know exactly what you mean. But like I said before as long as you show good qualities and make the first move you will make a lot of friends.

WOW! I just came back from my girlfriends house and I am shocked. I really do not know what to think. It is really late and I think I really need to think things through a bit more before asking for advice. But I found out some things that really make me question us.

Ok so here it is. Last night I went over to my girlfriends apartment with some friends. Everything was fine and after my friends left I decided to stay a little longer and talk with her. We really got in depth into our conversation. We talked about our past, philosophy, psychology, etc... It was great until I learned some things about her that made me throw huge caution flags. So here is what I learned.

She went to a private school where they had many rules, a dress code, etc... She rebelled against these strict rules by "hooking up" with many different guys, trying different drugs (oxicodon?? shrooms, etc... ), and just doing crazy things in general. She continued this behavior through college. She tells me that she stops doing these crazy drugs when she has a boyfriend. She told me how these drugs make her do things she usually wouldn't do and she loves taking them because it loosens her up. She says she does not have any control when she takes them and that is one thing she loves about it.

I do not understand how she can have a 4.0 gpa and do all these things. She threw a party last weekend and totally blacked out. She told me how she does not remember a thing we talked about. That night she also wanted to have sex but I refused because sex to me means more than just quick physical pleasure.

For some this might not be a big deal but for me this is a huge deal. I cannot stand drugs. I hate when people use a substance to make them feel more comfortable or make them more social. It shows me that they lack confidence. Also, I am huge health nut and love to exercise, eat healthy, and be very active so when I see people damaging themselves with drugs it makes me very uncomfortable.

Also, finally another thing that really bother me was a conversation we had about sex. It all started with a hypothetical question. She asked me if I could choose between rough physical sex or sensual sex which one would I choose? She immediately said rough physical sex while I said sensual sex. From what she told me it seemed that to her sex was only a physical pleasure act. To me it means that and also the emotional connection you share with the person.

Now I am not saying that anything she is doing is wrong. It may be but I am not the one to judge her actions. But, knowing this information makes me very cautious. Also, my gut feelings are telling me to leave but it is hard for me to act on those feelings. Another part of me tells me just to roll with it and continue getting to know her.

I do not know what to do with this information. Should I listen to my gut feelings? How do I let her go when she is clearly into me. One last thing she told me is that she never had someone like me. Her past relationships always involved someone who was screwed up. She really appreciates having someone like me around her. I am so confused and to top it all off I am still having my ex withdrawals. Especially when I compare the two.

I do not know why I am so afraid that I will not find "the one." Maybe its because my parents divorced after being married 20+ years or maybe because I am still hung up on my first love. I am only 21 and I should not be thinking about finding the one I am going to settle down with. I have so much ahead of me: graduate school, traveling, etc... Why am I so afraid?

My 2 cent, you jumped into this relationship without really knowing who she was, hence all the emotional rollercoater you are having now.

Honestly, you're afraid because you are still in shock. You thought that by going with someone else you were "ok", and now it clearly shows you were not, hence the rebound term we used before, and it actually IS a rebound.

Honestly, you haven't taken the necessary steps to heal. Part of healing is to find yourself after a relationship and you clearly have a lot of questions to ask yourself. These questions that you are asking, only you can answer them.

Ok,question-are you still exclusive? If so I'd say as you're seeing red flags flying you need to make the decision to end this sooner rather than later. Personally my gut instincts would tell me to run, as I'm in agreement with you as regards drugs and the intercourse preference. It's up to you but these are major red flags. Again, be happy single rather than settling for something that probably won't work. And you're still not quite over your ex. My theory is that you feel the need to have a special somebody in your life to compensate for your traumatic past. I think you need to realise that you can be fine on your own and when you are ready you will meet the right girl.

Hmm... I feel like I know myself pretty well and I also know what I want in a relationship. I do agree that I jumped into this new relationship too fast because I feel like I should have continued learning about her before making any decisions. I actually tried to dwell deeper into these topics before committing but she refused to tell me. She said it was too early for me to know. I assumed that she had the qualities that I look for in a partner and she does. But there are many other qualities that outweigh the positive ones.

Ok,question-are you still exclusive? If so I'd say as you're seeing red flags flying you need to make the decision to end this sooner rather than later. Personally my gut instincts would tell me to run, as I'm in agreement with you as regards drugs and the intercourse preference. It's up to you but these are major red flags. Again, be happy single rather than settling for something that probably won't work. And you're still not quite over your ex. My theory is that you feel the need to have a special somebody in your life to compensate for your traumatic past. I think you need to realise that you can be fine on your own and when you are ready you will meet the right girl.

Yes we are still exclusive.

I think that you are right about listening to my gut feelings and letting her go. But I do not think this will be as easy for me. I do not know why but she is so into me and to let her go when she is infatuated is something that I am afraid of doing. Also, so far the relationship is going along well. We are having a great time. I really enjoy talking to her. I really enjoy the intamacy, etc... But in the long run I do not know if this will work out.

For me, it's OK for people to loosen up and take a drink or two. Heck even go for 3, why not? Even from time to time, I would accept that people take marijuana.
When it goes further than that, it's a big no-no for me, and like you I would see a LOT of red flags.

Like I said before, the decision can only be taken by you. Relationship or not you need to find yourself and your place, you seem too insecure and way too emotional and you need to put some perspective back into your life.

I would like to point out also, if you're not breaking up with her because you are afraid of being "alone", then this is completely wrong. You have jumped into this relationship too much and it has become a rebound. You really need to find out why you want to stay with her or dump her. If you do break up with her, you need to do it soon, for respect for her and yourself.

Personally I would break up, but some people find my way... harsh.

For me, it's ok for people to loosen up and take a drink or two. Heck even go for 3, why not? Even from time to time, I would accept that people take marijuana.
When it goes further than that, it's a big no-no for me, and like you I would see a LOT of red flags.

Like I said before, the decision can only be taken by you. Relationship or not you need to find yourself and your place, you seem too insecure and way too emotional and you need to put some perspective back into your life.

I would like to point out also, if you're not breaking up with her because you are afraid of being "alone", then this is completely wrong. You have jumped into this relationship too much and it has become a rebound. You really need to find out why you want to stay with her or dump her. If you do break up with her, you need to do it soon, for respect for her and yourself.

Personally I would break up, but some people find my way... harsh.

I do not think I am insecure but I do agree that I might seem more emotional. This is strange even to me since I never have been this emotional. I guess this just hit me very hard.

I am not afraid of being alone either. I actually enjoyed it quite a bunch when I was single so going back to that life style would not bother me at all. But I am hesitant to break up since she is so into me and I just want to be very sure that the decision I make is the right one.

I do not to find out the reason why I want to stay with her.
On one hand she has all these great qualities and I feel like if we stayed together we could develop a great relationship. I really enjoy her honesty. Also she understands that we both need space at times to either be by ourselves, to focus on school work, or just to be around other people. My ex did not understand that. Also, she is very intelligent and I feel like we have great conversations about anything and everything. The intimacy is there too and I think we can be compatible there too.

But she does have a interesting past that makes me very cautious. There are some habits of hers that I do not like, such as drinking to a point where you black out or potentially doing some harmful drugs. She is more introverted than I am and more pessimistic. There are other little things.

I do think it is still too early to make a decision. Whatever the decision is, I would not be making it because I am still hung up on the ex. It would be solely because I feel like we do not share enough commonalities or the caution flags tell me to stay away.


What do you think is the right step to take here?

It seems her interesting past spills over into the present-the party she threw and she can't remember what you spoke about? Red flag.
You can't break up with her because she's so into you? Red flag
Your gut feelings are trying to tell you something-listen to those feelings.
It boils down to: you didn't really take the time to get to know each other all that well,but went exclusive very quickly.
What else might you find out further down the line if you stay together?

I think I also need to sit down with her and tell her all of this. I need to tell her how I am concerned about all these things she told me and maybe we either need to slow it down or break it off.

One thing that I forgot to mention also that has bothered me is a talk we had about sex. She says that if we were to stay in a LTR that she would not like if we used a condom every time we had sex. She tells me that her chances of getting pregnant are very low to begin with because there is an issue with her vaginal lining, etc... She says with birth control her chances are even lower. I do not feel comfortable at all since I DO NOT want to be a father at this time of my life. I told her how with my ex (who is very fertile) I used a condom every single time and have developed this paranoia about having sex without a condom. She got really upset about it. I guess that is another red flag.


Looking at all these red flags and gut reactions I should break up. Is this the right thing?

Should I stay a bit longer with her or should I talk to her and see if she has changed since her past?

I just do not understand because she is so beautiful and VERY intelligent. She has a 4.0 in her senior year. I just can't believe someone like her would have such a troubled past.

AE, that's another red flag. Me, I 'd run. Yesterday. Sorry for being harsh,but do you really need this?

A 4.0 in arts wouldn't be so hard to get, or even in science :). Try 4.0 in engineering, that's something else. Birth control is 100% effective and... sex is better without condoms. As long as it is safe go for it.
I suggest writing on a paper the positive and negative aspect of dumping her and then deciding.

But if I break up, everyone will think it is because I was rebounding, not because of all these red flags.

But I guess I need to do this. I do not know if I can though. Even though all these red flags are popping up I can't get myself to do it. This is an area were I am weak in. I have no idea why because I am very confident in all other areas of my life.

It doesn't matter what anybody else thinks-what matters is how you feel.
Rebound or not,are you willing to stay for ANY reason in a relationship that seems to be spiraling downwards by the day?

A 4.0 in arts wouldn't be so hard to get, or even in science :). Try 4.0 in engineering, that's something else. Birth control is 100% effective and... sex is better without condoms. As long as it is safe go for it.
I suggest writing on a paper the positive and negative aspect of dumping her and then deciding.

Birth control is not 100%. But that is not even the problem. It is that she is upset because of it and that she cannot compromise.

Well, lets see how my pos./neg. list looks like:
Positive:
- I will have more chances to date others
- I will have more time to myself and friends
- More time to focus on school work
- No fighting, arguments, etc...
- I will have the proper amount of time to heal

Negatives:
- Lack of intimacy
- Sense of loneliness
- Nobody to confine in and share personal information
- Nobody to kiss, hug, or cuddle with
- Nobody to share important life moments with
- Companionship

Amicon is harsh but he is right. The earlier the better, the more you take the more painful it is going to be.

It doesn't matter what anybody else thinks-what matters is how you feel.
Rebound or not,are you willing to stay for ANY reason in a relationship that seems to be spiraling downwards by the day?

Well, most of these things I am learning is from her past. I wonder if she has changed. But ultimately you are right amicon.

I should just stop dating altogether. I am a genuinely nice guy or at that is what all my friends, teachers, co-workers. Why is it so hard just to find a girl that I can date, be committed to, and just have a good time with?

The negatives aren't really negatives... You need to work on yourself if you feel lonely. If you have friends you shouldn't feel lonely, and sharing important life moments you can do that with friends, and companionship idem.

The whole idea when it comes to dating is that you date to get to know people and IF after a period, you find that you are compatible,and have feelings for each other, you commit. Dating for a couple of weeks,generally speaking is not long enough.
We all feel lonely sometimes and if we're single long for someone to be close to,but I think, in the long run it's worth while waiting for the right person than settling for yet another mr/miss right now.

Amicon is harsh but he is right. The earlier the better, the more you take the more painful it is going to be.

You're a she!! I really thought you were a dude from the beginning!!

Your list of positives and negatives is much to broad. It should be about the positives and negatives of this relationship, based on the facts of your observations.

Staying in a relationship because of what others will think is a losing proposition, in the short term, and the long term, as Amicon has so aptly stated.

That's why an honest list of pros versus cons is helpful.


Why is it so hard just to find a girl that I can date, be committed to, and just have a good time with?
That's the point, just dating will give you more opportunities and options, while being exclusive stops any option and opportunity.

Even when the females are miffed about you not committing to them, and they leave and chose not to date you, you still have other options. When your ready, you can make a decision, but as you see it will be at your pace, based on your needs.

Going exclusive rather fast, (especially after a break up, and still healing) is like skipping the dating for fun and getting to know someone well, phase of the whole finding a soul mate process. Yes finding the one for you is a process, not an event.

Quick reply to paxe-nope-I'm a dudette!
AE-whatever you decide,come back and let us know.

Ok, I've been thinking about this all day and I just seem myself to do it. How do I get enough courage to pull this off?

Being honest with yourself, and being honest with her, will give you the courage to do the right thing by you both. It will also give you the courage to face the fallout of your decision. I think that's more what your concerned about, the fallout.

There's no easy way to do this,you just have to bite the bullet and be as honest as you can be without being hurtful.
Your heart's not in this relationship,so to my mind you'd be doing the right thing.
Fingers crossed for you.

Oh man!! I am so nervous. She is going to be so hurt.

I think I will tell her that I feel like we rushed into things too fast and now I feel like we are not as compatible hence why I do not want to get involved too deep. Also, I will tell her that I am not ready to be involved this emotionally in a relationship.

Oh god!! I'm freaking out. Stupid me for rushing into things. Agggghhh

Don't beat yourself up,we're all human. You're doing the right thing.

Amicon's right (I still can't believe you're a dudess :), really thought you were a dude :D). These things happen, but the good thing is that we learn from our mistakes. You haven't been dating too long so she won't be as hurt as if you are going to wait for the break up.

(paxe my username is an anagram of my first name, have I convinced you now?)
AE- let us know how it went.
Take care.

(paxe my username is an anagram of my first name, have I convinced you now?)
AE- let us know how it went.
Take care.

Lol, I've been mostly joking :D. Let us know how it goes.

Ok, a little off topic but I was just talking to a girl about my current situation and somehow I mentioned my ex. This is what she told me:

The guy my ex flirted with in our class is good friends with the girl I talked to tonight. He told my friend how out of nowhere my ex started sitting next to him and flirting with him. He on the other hand had a girlfriend and also thought that her and I were still together. He said how awkward he felt that out of nowhere she was talking to him. So basically she used him to get me jealous. WOW!

Have you told her yet?

On the ex thing, wow she doesn't sound to nice of person. Isn't it funny how you see peoples true colors sooner or later.. I think that's clear here.

It happens. By applying NC and taking care of yourself, you are taking the "power" back into your hands, and she doesn't have a control over you. She wants to have a control over you but she can't so she's trying to get your attention.

Once you see past this bull****, it is just kid's game, and since you're not a kid you don't go into the game.

She is possibly coming over later tonight and I will have a talk with her then. I need to get some school work out of the way first.

As for the ex. I really got sick of all things that she has been doing to me so I text her. I know this is wrong of me but the anger got the best of me. I just told her how I found out what I said above. I did not call her names of anything. All I said is that I cannot believe what I am seeing from her. She said that she has standards and that she would never do something like this to me. She said I was being paranoid. I then told her that we don't need to argue any further. I told her that I hope her new partner can give her everything that I couldn't and more.


I am not saying what I did was right. I totally own up to all of this. I am just so pissed at the fact that she is doing all this to me. Yeah she saw that I am bothered by this and I hope she can feed off it. But I really don't care because finding this information out just further pushes me toward my healing process. Also, I do not want to see her anymore and this anger is helping me get over her.

I just need a break from relationships. PERIOD.
Its funny though because one of my co-worker asked if she could set me up with her sister who is very beautiful. Also, a good friend of mine asked me if there would be ever a chance of us getting together.

I just do not want this right now. I feel flattered that people are interested in me but I am too big of a mess to be involved in anything serious.

Oh and I will gather enough courage up to tell my new partner that we cannot stay together. I have no idea how I am going to do this. I really need some encouragement.

I think A4Effort needs to ask 2 very simple questions.

Cut the BS - Do you GENUINELY want to be with your ex girlfriend, and does your ex girlfriend GENUINELY want to be with you?

If the answer is mutual then you both need to decide what course of action happens next. To be honest the behaviour of both parties is irrelevant. We all do stupid things during and after a break-up as our minds are being controlled by our hearts. Emotions overpower logic.

We can read and post new comments about the behaviour of this and what that means and so on till we are all blue in the face. It's how we apply ourselves to the root of the problem that makes the difference.

I think A4Effort needs to ask 2 very simple questions.

Cut the BS - Do you GENUINELY want to be with your ex girlfriend, and does your ex girlfriend GENUINELY want to be with you?

If the answer is mutual then you both need to decide what course of action happens next. To be honest the behaviour of both parties is irrelevent. We all do stupid things during and after a break-up as our minds are being controlled by our hearts. Emotions overpower logic.

We can read and post new comments about the behaviour of this and what that means and so on till we are all blue in the face. It's how we apply ourselves to the root of the problem that makes the difference.

No, I do not want to be with her. She has hurt me too many times and too much. She does not deserve another chance. Also this gives me there opportunity to really find out what I want.

She does not want another relationship either or at least that is what she has been telling me. Do her actions match what she says. I do not know but she tries to make me jealous but at the same time is moving on in her own way. Why would someone want to make a person jealous but distance themselves from them at the same time? I do not understand.


But I am so fed up with all these things. Half of it is my fault. I am not afraid to admit it but I am also willing to get out of this mess that I created. I need guidance because as you all can tell I have no idea what I am doing.

All I want is my own self to be normal again. I want to be the guy I once was. I do not want to be an emotional wreck all the time. I am going to work this out and I will be who I once was. I will take any steps I need to take and make all the right/wrong turns to get myself out of here. I will not dwell in this mess and continue having self-pity. This should not be such a big deal and it doesn't have to if you follow all the right steps. I did not and look where I am. I am not mad at anyone but myself. I am not mad at my ex. I am only mad at myself for not having listened. If you knew me in person you would know just the type of man I am. Everyone says that I am the good guy. One who does not judge, one who is sympathetic, etc... But I do not want to be egoistic here either. :confused::confused::confused::confused:

Well it's your situation and we're here to help so you're allowed to be egoistic :).

Like we said before AE, we have the experience and we passed through the pain so that you don't have to, or at least you won't have to make the same mistakes we did.

It's no magic, you just need to continue applying NC and doing everything that's right (taking care of your body, socializing, going out with friends). I would usually tell people to go and flirt and date casually but it seems you can't control yourself :D, so no flirting for you and no dating.

Socialize as much as you can, but don't show you are available. Girls understands men's body language and you can show that you want nothing.

Relax AE, don't let things get you overwhelmed and hyped up. We know you're a good guy who just needs some time to figure out the nuances of life for yourself, and you will, no doubt.

Just an observation though, any mention of the ex seems to send you into impulsive actions brought on by some intense emotions. In this case you broke NC over something someone said she did.

These are the things you ignore in the future, and never react to. As Judge Judy says, that's just hearsay. It doesn't matter if its true or not because its in the past, and irrelevant to the future.

Thanks you two.

The current girlfriend is over here and I have tried to bring up my concerns but basically she argued them. I will share more later. Not going to well.

Wow, I suck at breaking up. So this is basically what went down.
I brought up all my concerns/red flags to her. I told her about her use of oxycodone. She tells me that she has not used it since last year. She tells me that she has not done more than just a few times. She tells me that she regrets using it and that it is a thing of the past now. I bring up the issue about condom use. She instantly tells that she is completely okay with using one for however long I need to. She told me how the other night she was just very argumentative because it was her time of the month. So then I bring up her dating past. She tells me that she had 5 boyfriends in high school and that I am her 6th boyfriend so far in college. I asked her about how many times she hooked up. She told me that it was non of my business. So... that went unanswered.


But there is one more BIG thing that she tells me she will tell me a year or two down the road. Something bad happened to her and she feels horrible about it. She says when she tells me it will make me run away from her. She really got emotional about it and started tearing up so I switched the subject. She told me that she wants to make me fall in love with her before she tells me anything else because it will be less likely that I will leave. I was like... NO! I asked her its better to tell me everything now.

When we finished out talk she was even more infatuated with me and hugged/kissed me. She ended up staying over the night.


So way to go me. Now I am confused as hell. Part of me says leave, go, stay single, and continue dating others. The other side now is confused and tells me to give her a chance. Most of these things are in the past and it looks to me like she has changed. But I feel like I am being baited into relationship, meaning once I fall into it she will then turn a different color.

So, what do I do?
How do I break up?
Do I break up?

You're being baited all right,and you only have her word for anything she told you.
And hinting at something terrible to be told months down the line is not an honest thing to do, why not tell you now?
You have your studies to think about,your future career-I think you could do without more emotional drama right now.
And then she pulls the seduction card-can you smell the coffee?
I can.

But I feel like I am being baited into relationship, meaning once I fall into it she will then turn a different color.


She will not change, you just learn more and find that she was that different color all the time.

If your having sex, stop!

We are having sex but ever since I have been getting these vibes from her, I have stopped because it clouds my judgement. I just don't know what to do anymore. Also, even if I want to get out of this I do not know how. Am I too weak? I do not know why I cannot go through with this.

You get out of it, if that's what you really want, by being honest and telling her that you see no future with her-if that's the way you feel.

That's the best thing you can do for yourself and her a4effort is by leaving this.

There's a lot of issues right from the get go of this relationship and I don't think there really shouldn't be this way at the start of a relationship.. it's way too much work man and from what I gather you already have much things to handle on your own without this being included in it.

Leave and that's it very simple but it takes honesty and courage to know that yes you may hurt someone now but in the long run its what is best for you and her. And I think you already know this..

You get out of it, if that's what you really want, by being honest and telling her that you see no future with her-if that's the way you feel.

To tell you the truth, I do not know anything anymore. My brain is mush. Do I see a future with her, probably not. Why? She is graduating this year. I am graduating next and I will be heading off to graduate school immediately if I get accepted into a program. I enjoy her company, her friends, our discussions, her qualities (not all), etc... Could I find someone who is more compatible with me? Yes! Could I find someone else if we broke up? Yes! Do I completely want to break up with her? No, something is holding me back and it is arguing with both my gut feelings and my rational thinking. Is it my emotions? Could be, maybe I do not have the strength now to take on another break up. Am I happy when I am around her? Yes! But I know I could be happy with another individual too.

Why are my feelings changing? Is it because she is baiting me? Is it because what she told me last night changed my opinion of her?

Has she really changed? Maybe I am her fresh start. Yesterday she told me how she only sees us breaking up is if she starts thinking that I am too good for her because to her I seem perfect. I do not want to seem perfect to anyone. I do not consider myself perfect. I have strong values but I am not different than anyone else on this planet. I made mistakes (obviously) and I learn just like others do around me.

I only want one thing and that is to be happy again. I do not want to feel these emotions. I do not want to have to ponder about everything. I do not want to have my relationships be the main focus. No! I want my education to come first. I do not want to have problems with my ex. I do not want to have problems with this relationship.

Let your brain and your gut tell you what you need to be happy.

Hey guy, your making too much of this. Remember when I said HONESTY is the way to go? You simply tell her your to hurt over your last break up and have a hard time jumping into another relationship at this time, nothing serious, and you don't want her to feel used as a rebound, or get her hopes up. That way you can define the relationship, and only have to stick to your guns when she pushes. Not only is that the truth, but you can also back away to a safe distance.

Yes its hard for a guy not to be seduced by sex, darn hard, but when you bring it into the mix, things change, and attachments are hard to break.

Its about honesty though in the end, and you can enjoy it, if you are nothing but straight up honest.

She may agree with this, she may not, but for sure things get more complicated as long as your following her pace, and her rules, with no DEFINITE imput from you.

Its easy to follow a moving river, but sometimes you have to swim for dry land, against the current.

Honesty is not free, it comes with a price, as does standing up for yourself, so you don't fall for anything.

That way you can define the relationship, and only have to stick to your guns when she pushes.

Tal, what do you mean by this? Are you saying that I should let her know that I do not want a relationship but that we should take one step back to dating? Or are you saying to completely let her go?

Not an easy situation but you clearly aren't happy right now. If you are not happy, then it would be unwise to stay with her even if she is hurt now. It's like a band-aid, quick and easy.

She will feel pain, but much less then a couple of years down the road when you both understand that you're incompatible. If you do need to break up, you need to do it now. Don't be afraid of being alone and single right now, it might be what you need.

We all learn from our mistakes, so I believe this is why it's important to make them.

The best case is she is willing to go more at your pace with much lower expectations, but if not, you go your own way without her.

The point is to represent yourself, and don't just get pushed in a direction you don't want to go. That's clearly what your feeling now, just following her lead.

The sex complicates things for sure. If it were not for your own misgivings you would be having a great time wouldn't you? I think so.

I think your learning the true value of honest communications. The how is in the practice.

I'm trying not to lead you to conclusion, but rather guide you to solutions that work for you. You haven't broken it off with her because you're having fun, and don't want to end it, which is understandable, but you are also having misgivings, and are holding back, also understandable given the speed you two have moved, and all the little mysteries, and drama involved.

But you have to get beyond all that and give voice to what you want, and deal with the tears and emotions females give you. No other way guy, so talk, and see what she makes of it.

As Paxe has said, right now your taking the easy way out, and that bites you later.

A4effort... you were thinking with your little head on this one. You went for the easy take down and skipped the whole dating process. I've done this a couple of times and found that once you move too fast, the relationship is essentially broken. You end up finding things out about that person that you REALLY wish you knew prior.

As far as the drug thing. Some people believe that drugs are disgusting, unnecessary, and inherently bad. I am on the fence about that. I am of the mindset that some drugs are worse than others. I have done some things, actually a lot of things, in my teens and early twenties that were not good for me. Did that make me a bad person... not at all. Did I become a zombie and flounder through life... NO! I straightened up, graduated from college with honnors and a degree in IT and landed a sweet job. Just because someone chooses to ingest something, doesn't mean that they are bad. They may not be the healthiest people and doing these things does raise issues about judgment, but everyone changes over time. Life is about the future, not the past. The past is used to learn in order to be prepared for the future, not as a tool to judge other by.

Everyone goes through a "growing up" phase where we make choices that determine who we may turn out to be as adults. The people who have the problem, are the ones that never "reach" a maturity level to be considered an adult. Most people do, even those who made bad choices and decided to get into drugs or other bad situations. I would not completely write someone off purely based on their past behavior and choices, because I have personally been there.

Many time people get ideas and opinions about certain things without experiencing them first hand and in turn judge others for it. That is not a good thing to do.

Now with your current GF, she had made poor choices in the past. The only way to gage on how she will be later is how she acts with you, how she communicates with you, and the choices she makes now. Granted the black-out drunken party fest she had last weekend doesn't help her case, but remember, you are both still VERY young, and have a lot of growing up to do. Along the way you will need to make choices that determine your future. Drug and alcohol abuse are not generally good choices to make, but they are not the end of the world, and it is very likely that she is just seeing what is out there. You have a different approach. You are very health oriented and much more reserved than she is. This sounds like a case where the differences between you is causing conflict. You are disgusted and want her to be health. She wants to be with you, but is she willing enough to change? Not right now...

When you try and change someone, things go down hill. That is why dating is SO important. You need to find someone where you are satisfied enough with the person that they are, so you don't feel you need to change them. That's one of the important keys to long lasting relationship.