I am new to forums, and thought I would try this out, with how my situation is.

I am 22 Years old and have been dating the same girl since my senior year of high school (she was a sophomore at the time). We had been together for almost 4 and half years, and lived together for the last 12 months. We have had our problems in our relationships, the big problems always bring us closer together, while the small arguments are our biggest down fall. We were part of every aspect of each other life, shared bank account, exchange of keys, etc. I have supported her in everything that she does, I am there for her when she needs help with anything, but have never felt that I have got the same in return, but have always felt that I can turn to her.

Almost 3 weeks ago she cames home and says that we need to talk about us, she says the spark just isn't there anymore, and that we aren't going anywhere(marriage). She has asked me about marriage and our future, and I have told her that I want us to be together, but that I want to finish college first. She also tells me that I have problems with my anger(which I agree with), which comes from my depression from the surgeries that I have had over the last 3 years.

She leaves to go back home for awhile till she can find a new place to live, but find out later that she ended up staying at a guys house, who she now says she has feelings for. When I confronted her about this, she got mad. She has since, I believe, moved into a new housing place. She has came and got all her stuff from my house finally, and took almost all the things she gave to me, such as gifts.

I have done a positive and negative list about her and I. I have spend since she left, alone just trying to find myself and deciding if I want to be with her. I have not contacted her since she came to get the last of her stuff(4 days). My heart wants her back, but my mind is telling me NO.

Any advice would be great.

The first heart break is always the hardest. Right now is not the best time for your relationship. Take this time to continue evaluating your life without her in it. Many of us gain experience by dating various people while through that stage you have been committed to her. There will be much to gain for taking this time, to rebuild who you are single and doing single guy things.

We can't tell you if your paths cross again in the future, but for now face your heart break and continue no contact. Read the countless stories on this site and take some comfort in knowing that we have all been where you are and there is another side at the end. You can only truly grow through trial.

Good luck to you.

Well your heart is broken but I think your mind is on the right track. First if you have been there for her for everything, why can't she support your depression due to your surgeries? It sounds like she met someone else and she might think its greener on the other side of the fence. I can see her feeling that bliss with someone new and wanting to move on. But that bliss won't last. If your head says no then stick with NC. I think your head knows best. Your heart is just hurt and wanting what your used to back. Be over it and be happy with someone who wants to be with you.

When dealing with this matter, think with your head. My dad always told me this, if your arm were broken, would you try to use it? Nope, just like your heart, it's broken, so using it would only result in bad things(like trying to convince her to come back)

Thank you for the comments.

I do believe that she found something shiny over there, and has gone to grab it. I just know that through out our relationship, I have gone through the same thing, like first two years of college, but I resisted temptation in fear of losing something good, for something THAT MIGHT BE great.

I am going to follow the no contact and try to stay busy with work, and summer courses, and travel. I really left the future in her hands. When she came to get the last of her things, and walk out with anything she gave me. I said, "I understand what we are going through, and also know that we can not be together right now. I love you and know that we are capable of working through this. When you are ready to do that, contact me."

What is painful about that, is that she had told me over and over again, that she wants us to be friends, cause I understand her so well, and know things about her past, that she won't share with anyone else. I don't want to be her friend, way too painful. At the same time, I really don't know if I could really take her back. I consider what she did just as bad as cheating, even though we were not dating at the time.

But how do you know she wasn't cheating? She seemed to gain feelings for the other pretty fast don't you think?

That was going to be my comment Sunflower!

I would advise HIGHLY against being friends right now, too much emotional dust to even consider a healthy friendship

I know this is hard for you but it sounds to me like she has grown out of you and that is not a bad thing but a normal thing. You are a different person at 20 than you were at 16.
She left you, she may not have done it the best way, but she did it knowing this was not where she wanted to be.
What you have to do is realize it is over and move on. This can and will never be the same.

I wish you well.

I don't know for positive that she wasn't cheating. But I don't know, that we spent all of our time together or in constant contact with each other. It would have been very hard for her to do that. After I found out about what happened, I spoke to her face to face. She isn't very good at lying, so I believed her when she said no. I feel like a stronger person, since I have been able to spend the time alone and find myself, instead of also seeking someone else.

I fear that fact that she might have moved on that quickly, makes me feel as if I meant nothing to her. That said, I would still like her back. How do I do that? I don't want to convince her to come back, I want her to come back. I don't want an email/text/phone call, I want her to make the effort and come to me, to show me that she is serious and will be committed to working through this and things in the future.

Deal with the 'Can we be friends' issue at another time. Focus on your healing. Once things are less emotional for you and you are happy once again, you may find that her life won't affect you and you can maintain a friendship, but that is a far off future for you.

For right now, your life is all about finding that happiness without her in your life at all.

[QUOTE=AKeagle;1798381]I don't know for positive that she wasn't cheating. But I don't know, that we spent all of our time together or in constant contact with each other. It would have been very hard for her to do that.

Its not hard at all. I was the cheater in my marriage and the sad thing is it was all done on my lunch hour. If someone wants the attention they will find the way to get it. Does that make me proud? Not at all. But don't say she didn't have time because cheaters will make time.

I feel like a stronger person, since I have been able to spend the time alone and find myself, instead of also seeking someone else.

If your feeling like a stronger person already then keep going. Imagine how you will feel in a month? Take the time and get to know yourself. You may not regret it.

I fear that fact that she might have moved on that quickly, makes me feel as if I meant nothing to her. That said, I would still like her back.
Why would you still want her back? You know when she will come back if she even does? When she sees you're the better catch. Trust me.

Why wouldn't I want her back? I know what she did was wrong, its down right messed up. We have both put a lot of effort into our relationship. If she is willing to make the effort to contact me, and the commitment to us, why wouldn't I?

She has not tried to contact me since she got the rest of her stuff, I don't know if she will. But is it right to not answer text/email/phone calls, and hold out for her coming to find me?

I don't know for positive that she wasn't cheating. But i don't know, that we spent all of our time together or in constant contact with each other. It would have been very hard for her to do that. After i found out about what happened, i spoke to her face to face. She isn't very good at lying, so i believed her when she said no. I feel like a stronger person, since i have been able to spend the time alone and find myself, instead of also seeking someone else.

I fear that fact that she might have moved on that quickly, makes me feel as if I meant nothing to her. That said, I would still like her back. How do i do that? I don't want to convince her to come back, i want her to come back. I don't want an email/text/phone call, i want her to make the effort and come to me, to show me that she is serious and will be committed to working through this and things in the future.

Earlier you said you don't think you would want her back now you're sayingyou do. You are hurt and confused, you think you meant nothing to her, you did. But she is an older and different person. You guys had been together since you were teens and now as adults, she is different and wants something different. That is normal.

I don't think she will come back and if she did, I don't think it would work because you would be trying to go back to the way things were and you two are different people now. Plus you would always be wondering about this other guy.
I'm sure you both are nice people who have grown apart. Don't place blame, it is what it is. You will get through this and the right girl for you will be there when you do.

Hoenstly, it sounds like she might have been with him for a little while, while you guys were living together. For the most part I am the girl, about to leave my boyfriend and he has anger problems, and he has a money spending problem and I'm leaving him because he's lost his temper over things hat were his fault not mine and he said things that hurt forever. Which made me stop loving him. And we've been dating for 3 years now, living togther for excatly one year next week. Move on and learn from your mistakes. And if she loves you she'll come back, but she's going to demand change.

What is right for you now, is to only worry about you. The future can not be told and you need to focus only on you, not the future of this relationship. Deal with that when the time comes.

For now, no contact is about healing, finding out about yourself without that person in your life, reconnecting with you. It is not a tool to get the 'love of your life' to return to you. Take things day by day, don't focus too far ahead of yourself right now, you aren't ready for that.

hoenstly, it sounds like she might have been with him for a little while, while you guys were living together.

I don't want to believe it, but you could be right. She isn't very good at hiding things or lying to me, besides the fact that we did everything together, there wasn't any time.

As for growing apart, I could believe that, but at the same time, what we did and how we grew were based on each other. We talked about what we wanted in life, and how to get there.

I would understand the thing about her wanting change, but she would have to do a lot of the also, especially after this situation.

I mean she might not have been with him, they might have been mutual friends but she realized that maybe she wanted something else in life. My boyfriend and I went through that once, and I left him and then after spending 2 weeks with the other guy I went back to my boyfriend. After I demanded change and he did change then it went back to the usual.

We did the same thing, growing together making plans, then he broke it. He spend his saved up money that was to get us a new apartment on a new truck fro himself. I'm fed up I'm leaving. I can't do it.

I'm sorry I'm telling you more about me then helping you. I think that you should wait it out.. if she doesn't come backmove on, maybe its for the better.. if you guys argee a lot then maybe you'll find someone your more compatible with. I wish you the best of luck.

No, your story give me a different way to look at the situation.

I don't plan on just waiting around. I have never wasted anything of ours. She is the one that wanted to add me onto her bank account, which is the one thing we still have to take care of. We have spent just over 2 week separate, but only 4 days with no contact.

I don't understand how we grew apart though, then she was the one always talking about the future, and marriage. (recently) I asked her if I had proposed a month or so ago, would this had happened. She said we would be together.

I'm so confused about what is going on with her.

What if she tries to contact me?

You ignore her call, anything meaningful she can walk her little arse over to your house and tell you.

I guess I shouldn't jump to conclusions, she might not try to contact me.

The more I think, it is just being confused. Should I worry if she does come back? What should I expect if she does come back? What should I want us to work on?

My heart wants her back, but my mind is telling me NO.



There is much you don't understand about yourself, so it stands to reason that there is much to understand about her as well. Let the emotional dust settle, and take the time to get a grip on the shock, and disbelief of the break up, so you can at least see reality for what it is, whatever it is.

Then you will have decisions to make for yourself, and I caution you about leaving her to make them for you. That will never work.

Stick with NC for your own good for now. Listen to what your mind is trying to tell your broken heart. Time does the rest.

Is there anything that I can do to get her to come back?

You should think nothing at this time about your relationship, handle it when it happens. Focus on you!
You should think nothing at this time about your relationship, handle it when it happens. Focus on you!
You should think nothing at this time about your relationship, handle it when it happens. Focus on you!
You should think nothing at this time about your relationship, handle it when it happens. Focus on you!
You should think nothing at this time about your relationship, handle it when it happens. Focus on you!
You should think nothing at this time about your relationship, handle it when it happens. Focus on you!
Get it yet?

Then you will have decisions to make for yourself, and I caution you about leaving her to make them for you. That will never work.


How else am I suppose to make that decision, if I have no contact with her? She knows how I feel about us. Is there something more I can do?

You will revert back and forth, stay strong and true to yourself. You were stronger with your first post and having everyone confirm that you need to let go right now, is just in fact making you sound more clingy.

Find something right now to do that isn't thinking, dwelling and hoping about the future or past. Go find some you time.

I don't want to believe it, but you could be right. she isn't very good at hiding things or lying to me, besides the fact that we did everything together, there wasn't any time.

as for growing apart, i could believe that, but at the same time, what we did and how we grew were based on each other. We talked about what we wanted in life, and how to get there.

I would understand the thing about her wanting change, but she would have to do alot of the also, especially after this situation.
You sharing the same dreams as teenagers does not mean that as you get older your dreams and desires don't change. You grew up together, but it is a natural thing to change as you grow older. It does not mean that you need to change in the same way she does, it just means people change as they grow older, what they want out of life changes. That is one reason I think really young people should not get married. Thy have not grown up yet, have the had experiences they often need. It kind of stunts your growth, then a few years down the road you're unhappy because you feel like you've missed out on something, and you often have.

You sharing the same dreams as teenagers does not mean that as you get older your dreams and desires don't change. You grew up together, but it is a natural thing to change as you grow older. It does not mean that you need to change in the same way she does, it just means people change as they grow older, what they want out of life changes. That is one reason I think really young people should not get married. Thy have not grown up yet, have the had experiences they often need. It kind of stunts your growth, then a few years down the road you're unhappy because you feel like you've missed out on something, and you often have.

I completely agree, and that I why I never asked to marry her. She was the one always wanting to talk about marriage and future. I did want that for us, but didn't believe we were ready yet, I wanted to get through college and into a career.

And maybe she has realized that there is something else she needs or wants. This is not about something you did wrong, just that you two have grown apart.
The best thing you can do for you and her is to respect that she has left and leave her alone. She will not come back to you based on something you do or don't do, it will be because she either wants to or doesn't. So no, there is nothing you can do but leave her alone and use this time to find yourself, find out what you are about who you are apart from her.

I plan on not contacting her. We still have to take care of getting my name off the bank account, but I think I might just leave it alone, and let it ride.

So the decision is completely in her hands?

The decision is in your hands really. You need to choose to let her go her way and you go yours. I would make sure her name is off the bank account and anything else her name is on and wish her well.
You don't have to be her friend but you can wish her well. Use this time to get to know who you are apart from her

Well the bank account was her's to begin with, and she added me onto it. So its my name that needs to come off. I just don't want to ruin the progress I have made, by going to see her to take care of it. She can close and re open an account without me.

I told her, "i understand we can't be together now, but still want us to work out, and that i love you. when you are ready to have our relationship and work things out, contact me" and wished her well. So its is out of my hands, and up to her to come back

well the bank account was here's to begin with, and she added me onto it. so its my name that needs to come off. I just don't want to ruin the progress i have made, by going to see her to take care of it. she can close and re open an account without me.

I told her, "i understand we can't be together now, but still want us to work out, and that i love you. when you are ready to have our relationship and work things out, contact me" and wished her well. so its is outta my hands, and up to her to come back

The point is, she may not come back. You need to go on with your life. So it is in your hands. You can sit and wait and be miserable or you can let her go and go on with your life.

Do I want to know the truth about this other guy? Or forgive and forget?

You should think nothing at this time about your relationship, handle it when it happens. Focus on you!!
You should think nothing at this time about your relationship, handle it when it happens. Focus on you!!
You should think nothing at this time about your relationship, handle it when it happens. Focus on you!!
You should think nothing at this time about your relationship, handle it when it happens. Focus on you!!
You should think nothing at this time about your relationship, handle it when it happens. Focus on you!!
You should think nothing at this time about your relationship, handle it when it happens. Focus on you!!
Get it yet?

Could you repeat that please? LMAO... sorry

Do i want to know the truth about this other guy? or forgive and forget?

I would just forget. Wanting to know more about him is just going to sting a little harder, if she even tells you the truth.

I wouldn't want someone that is going to lie to me about it, but I do want to be able to move on with it, and have the comfort that it won't happen again

Do i want to know the truth about this other guy? or forgive and forget?
What would be the point and what is there to forgive?
She left you. She told you the spark was gone and she has a problem with your anger. In the interim she found someone else.
What you need to do is leave her alone assume she is not coming back and move on with your life.

Originally Posted by AKeagle https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/amhd_imgs/buttons/viewpost.gif (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/girlfriend-broke-up-moved-out-how-fix-relationship-365253-4.html#post1799135)
I told her, "i understand we can't be together now, but still want us to work out, and that I love you. when you are ready to have our relationship and work things out, contact me" and wished her well. so its is outta my hands, and up to her to come back


I suggest you save yourself some dignity, and self respect, and make your own decision based on facts, and stick to it. Not just depend on what she comes back with.



Originally Posted by AKeagle https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/amhd_imgs/buttons/viewpost.gif (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/girlfriend-broke-up-moved-out-how-fix-relationship-365253-4.html#post1799883)
Do i want to know the truth about this other guy? or forgive and forget?



You already know the truth, she dumped you for him. That's all you need to know.

Day 6, NC.

krzekali89, why when you left your BF for that 2 week period did you go to another guy? And if you were with the other guy, then why did you go back to your BF?

Day 6, NC. (still hopeful)

You are doing well. Just keep in mind, this time is about you. It isn't helpful to you, but fairly human, to continue to dwell on the 'what if's'.

What new things have you found to do that you enjoy that you haven't done in a long time?

What new hobbies? Sports? Summer events? Leagues?

Getting out there and meeting new people will greatly help with the dwelling on the situation.

You are doing well. Just keep in mind, this time is about you. It isn't helpful to you, but fairly human, to continue to dwell on the 'what if's'.

What new things have you found to do that you enjoy that you haven't done in a long time?

What new hobbies? Sports? Summer events? Leagues?

Getting out there and meeting new people will greatly help with the dwelling on the situation.

I guess you would say I am hopeful. Kind of strange, but I was doing laundry last night and ran across some clothes she left behind. Got to decide if I should through them out, or box them up with the mail she still has coming to my place.

As for activities, I have been hanging out with some of my old friends, that I had cut off while her and I were dating. She never made me do that, but we usually always hung out with her friends. I plan on going out with some friends hiking. Otherwise, I have the rest of this week of my summer course to complete, after that mainly work. I enjoy what I do, and work with some good people.

As for getting out there and meeting new people, some of my college friends have been taking me with them to some parties, though I always feel out of place, because I am almost 22, and the majority of the people at these parties are under 21.

Do some volunteer work. I found that helping others puts some perspective on just how trivial my problems really are.

Just my two cents... I always felt that being friends was always a consolation prise. Akin to you can never go back. I felt if I am not good enough to date, then you must feel I am not good enough to be a friend.

With that said, I am still friend with some x boyfriends of 25+ years. But it was a long time in coming. Really distance yourself until you just have a passing thought of "I wonder what ever happened to so and so" and then see if you can be friends.

Also, I read somewhere that when one person in a commitment does something like this, they always trade down, they never trade up.

Hope all this helps. I am sorry you are going through this.

Sylvan

Why would someone trade down? I would think that if you are going to leave a deeply committed relationship, you would want to go from something that is good, to something that is great...

If she did trade down, wouldn't she realize that, and want to fix her mistake?

As for being friends, this is the longest relationship that I have ever been in. she was in every aspect of my life, I don't think I could ever look at her the same way. I also think it would show more if she contacted me, don't you think?

It's good to know when you are posting to deaf ears.

If you are only looking to hear what you want to hear, then why don't you tell us what you would like us to say...

It's good to know when you are posting to deaf ears.

If you are only looking to hear what you want to hear, then why don't you tell us what you would like us to say...

Nope, looking to hear some others points of view, and advice of maybe how to fix this.
I have been following the NC, and have been staying busy with work, school, and friends. Other than doing the things for myself there really isn't much more I can do to change the situation at hand. I have played all my cards, now its just time to wait.

What I would really like is to be able to know what she is thinking, which unless someone hear is a mind reader or an interrogator, I won't know anything, lol

But that is what my first post was.

You are not benefiting yourself to dwell and wonder. You won't get answers and other perspectives just lead to guessing.

she was in every aspect of my life

That's a problem, while being in a relationship is all well and fine. Making that person your life, is not. You both need outside lives or you will begin to resent one another. A relationship is like a friendship, I had friends that I would be with all the time, which we would end up fighting a lot. Now you know you need a healthy balance, anybody will tell you that.




i also think it would show more if she contacted me, don't you think?

Nope, it would show that she feels guilty. I can assure you the call would be something along these lines

Her: I just was calling to see how you were doing(stupid question if you ask me)
You: I'm okay
Her: I didn't mean to hurt you and I am sorry if I did(she knows she hurt you, she's just trying to ease her own guilty)
You: I know what happened in our relationship and I want to fix it.

Then it just goes downhill from there.

My situation was similar to yours. My ex of 4 years left me for another guy in what seemed to be a short period (a couple of weeks). She was my first love and my first heartbreak. I'm still dealing with some things even 6 months down the road. However, I've been proactive and keeping myself busy with things I want to do. I can go out and hang out with whomever I want, when I want, and do whatever I want, without out her getting mad.

You need to get busy with your life. Fill all of your time with things you like to do and friends.

She will not disappear from your life forever. My ex is the most strong willed and stubborn person I know. I was NOT the first person she dumped and yet every few months I get a phone call from her to catch up. She still wants to be friends... but as long as I still harbor feelings for her, a friendship will never work. If you ever have been stuck in the Friends Zone with someone you like, you know how it is. If you still have feelings for her, any friendship you form will be compromised because you will ALWAYS want to be something more than friends.

I think the whole trade down thing is true. My example is perfect. She left me for someone who doesn't have a job, lives 400 miles away, and according to most of her friends is a "skinny, loser" and I was so much better.

When a person dumps someone and immediately runs to someone else, they usually do it out of emotion and fear of being alone. This can definitely cloud their thoughts and result in the "trade down".

However, knowing this maybe the case for you as well, there is still nothing you can/should do to get her back. She has to make that decision on her own, with out your influence. She has to want to come back.

If she contacts you, it's your choice to respond. If you do respond, be mature, polite, and friendly. Do not confuse her action of contacting you with hope that she wants to come back...chances are she doesn't. She will just want to see "how you are doing" to sooth her guilt of kicking you to the curb.

As far as wanting to know ANYTHING about her current guy and her new love life I have to say... IGNORANCE IS BLISS!!

Anything you hear about her and him will tear you apart. I know this from experience. Do not ask questions that may have answers that you do not want to hear. As a matter of fact, DON'T ASK HER ANYTHING.

This is the time where you must implement NC and start healing. It will be hard, but you have to do it.

Remember, she knows how you feel. She made her choice in spite of that. She is with someone else, so anything you do right now to get her back will be futile.

You are in charge of your life and the way you handle things now will allow you to learn a lot about yourself.

It's not adversity that makes us who we are... it's how we handle adversity that makes us who we are.

Her: I just was calling to see how you were doing(stupid question if you ask me)
You: I'm okay
Her: I didn't mean to hurt you and I am sorry if I did(she knows she hurt you, she's just trying to ease her own guilty)
You: I know what happened in our relationship and I want to fix it.

Then it just goes downhill from there.

I have been the her in this scenerio.

I did it to appease my guilt and to ensure that I still had the upper hand... I was still in control and the break up was still my choice.

Romefalls19

If she ever did call I would think the best thing to do is talk about something other than us, unless she starts. In which case, I just shut my mouth and listen. (if she called me, it would be for a reason, let her talk)

Are you saying to not take any communication from her?

That's EXACTLY what I am saying. My ex would call me everyday after the break up, every night it would be the same story "I don't know if this is what I want, but it feels right" And then apologizing for hurting me.

After a week of these mind games, I deleted her number, myspace and everything that I had up about her. For every picture I had on my wall, a new motivational quote when up in it's place. I got into the gym, got toned and bigger. Felt good about myself, kept going NC, even worked with her and for 5 months, no talking. I met a terrific woman, got engaged and are now to be wed on June 26 2010.

My ex, still calls occasionally asking for another chance. I have learned that the past is that, a sunken old ship. No matter how many times you raise it, it will still sink and never be the same again.

romefalls19

if she ever did call i would think the best thing to do is talk about something other than us, unless she starts. in which case, i just shut my mouth and listen. (if she called me, it would be for a reason, let her talk)

are you saying to not take any communication from her?

Know this, every time you communicate with your ex following a break up, you lose all of the progress gained through no contact, you will be back to two minutes following the initial break up and all of the feelings will be fresh and painful and the contact will be more hurtful than healing for you.

You won't have answers to your questions, in fact you will question everything even more, because you are bound to confront these issues in contact. Right now, you have to avoid all communication (THE HARDEST PART OF NO CONTACT) like a plague. You are not ready for communication and won't be ready for a long time.

To be truthful AK, once you stop all contact, heal, and get all of the emotions out, you probably won't even have a desire to contact your ex. It is amazing what rational thinking does to you! I know I have no desire to contact my ex... took me awhile to get like that, but it was well worth it.

I won't contact her. But if she contacts me...

Do I just ignore all contact from her, and till when? I understand that I am not ready to communicated with her now, but there is only so many calls I ignore, and VM's that I can listen to, till I have to take one, right?

(we still have one more end to tie, we have to get my name off our joint account, I am kind of stalling, trying to keep to the NC, and hoping that she will just close the account and take the money.

That's the benefit of voice mails. You can press 7 at any time. Or if you're like me, I let my voice mails back up and just don't listen to them. Too much effort to check them

i won't contact her. but if she contacts me.......

do i just ignore all contact from her, and till when?


Until you can stop having to ask this question...

Honestly, I got a feeling that if I ignore her for so long, she is liable to show up on my door step... (she knows where I live, and work)

I am still renting the place for another 7 months, then planning on moving, unless I can find another room mate

Then fine, at lease then she put some effort into walking to your place of living. No offense, but if someone broke up with me and wanted to work things out, it better be face to face because the phone is to impersonal for me.

You ignore her contact, you don't listen to voicemails and if possible you change your phone number all together. You don't ever answer you aren't ready, you won't be ready for a long time.

You have had a week, you haven't started this the right way and this will be painful but I think now you plan how to do all of the final things so there are no longer any final strings without her. Close the account yourself, if the money is hers, put it in your box, if not split the funds... however is fair. Box up the mail and any and all of her things that are remaining in the house. Drive them to her parents (unless that is where she is staying) and leave them there for her. Tell her parents that her mail needs to be forwarded to her new address immediately.

No joke, I hate it when people try to talk to me through text when it is something important, so much easier to pick up the phone and say what needs to be said and be done with that.

Same concept, different scenario

How could I have started this the right way?

As for the account, I don't need the money from it, and she is able to close it without me being there. She can't close it with a negative balance, so my credit can't be affected. And she can't get her name off the account without me. The only reason I don't want to close the account is because she has bill that are paid from them and deposited, so I don't want her to think I am trying to steal from her.

Had to spread the rep justy, but that's exactly what he needs to do.



There really isn't much more I can do to change the situation at hand. I have played all my cards, now its just time to wait.



Stop stalling and get busy is what you can do. Waiting is for people who have a bus to catch, not those who are serious about building a life that you enjoy without the one who dumped you.

I love the bus quote. I'm going to have to find a situation that I can use it in.

I said it as a way to motivate you to get busy, and be proactive in your healing, and handle your business, with the bank by taking YOUR name off, and forwarding her mail, just to name a few things you can do.

Talaniman Rule- When a relationship is over, never wait for an ex to tell you what to do next. That works for them, not you. DO FOR YOURSELF.

I said it as a way to motivate you to get busy, and be proactive in your healing, and handle your business, with the bank by taking YOUR name off, and forwarding her mail, just to name a few things you can do.

Talaniman Rule- When a relationship is over, never wait for an ex to tell you what to do next. That works for them, not you. DO FOR YOURSELF.

I don't know where to forward her mail to. And to take my name off the account I would have to break no contact. I don't use the account for anything.

Then do everything else on my list. When you go to her parents, tell them also to have her close out the account. Let her parents tell her to forward her mail or they can forward it for her.

Get her things and any ties for connection out of your life. You have to move on. Keeping her things and these connections are just your final ties for your excuse to maintain contact.

Wow man,
Your situation is very similar to mine. I was with my ex for 3 years when she broke off with me ( there was no "spark" and I didn't want to see her family in France ) and she dumped me for another guy. This guy is returning to France soon so I don't even know why she wants to date him.

Most important thing is NO CONTACT at all. Don't give her another chance, move on with your life. Trust me I was exactly in your place 1 month ago. I went to Europe, meet a wonderful girl who lives near my place, lost weight... life seems much better now.

You WILL find someone else, but you need to let go of her and tell her you don't want any contact, as hard as it is. Anyhow good luck and don't think about returning with her.

Wow man,
your situation is very similar to mine. I was with my ex for 3 years when she broke off with me ( there was no "spark" and I didn't want to see her family in France ) and she dumped me for another guy. This guy is returning to France soon so I don't even know why she wants to date him.

Most important thing is NO CONTACT at all. Don't give her another chance, move on with your life. Trust me I was exactly in your place 1 month ago. I went to Europe, meet a wonderful girl who lives near my place, lost weight... life seems much better now.

You WILL find someone else, but you need to let go of her and tell her you don't want any contact, as hard as it is. Anyhow good luck and don't think about returning with her.

Yeah, she kept saying the spark is gone, and that we weren't going anywhere(marriage). But also said that part of her feels that she is making a mistake. The marriage thing, is complete crap, we talked about it, but I wanted both her and I to be out of college and in a career, which I think is completely logical way to start a life.

Hey man,
My ex told me the same thing that she was probably doing a mistake bla bla bla that she doesn't want me to get hurt. The fact is that if she really loved you she wouldn't have left you. I understand your pain completely but trust me on this one, you do NOT want her back. The marriage is just an excuse.

I am not sure what you are doing right now or if you are still on No Contact, but she is doing you a favor in dumping you. When my ex dumped me, I decided to go to Europe and I meet one super women there, and 2 others are chasing me back home and the women are much more interested in me ( I've been working out a lot and showing a lot of energy ).

So keep working out or do whatever you do to keep you occupied and before you know it you'll feel much better. And don't tell yourself that she is the one as she isn't and there is plenty of other girls out there that are much better. Are you still in contact with her?

paxe

Yeah still doing no contact, be doing that since she came by the get the last of her stuff last Thursday, and I plan on keeping to that.

I agree with her doing me a favor(kinda), the more time passes, I see more aspects of the relationship which made me unhappy, I'm kind of shocked I never ended it. I always thought that whatever problems we had, we would work through them

Exactly the same situation I was in! Since it was my first relationship I was always asking myself how it would be with someone else ( sexually or else ) and from time to time I was asking myself if it was really this women I wanted to spend my time with.

The feelings you have right now are feelings of emptiness, which is completely normal. Think of it this way, do you really want to pass the rest of your life with someone who doesn't cherish you with all their hearth and who can't work out the problems together? I don't think so.

There is millions of guys and women who have passed by exactly the same path as you and it's all part of growing up. I hope you are training, taking time for yourself and hanging out with friends right now. Time does help you heal faster than you think.

And don't let her contact you in any way, she will only try to string you along and it will just hurt you more. You have to take the decision of no contact, so that means that you shouldn't answer to her emails, calls, sms... And don't think of getting back together with her...

I think the real thing about marriage was that her family kept asking her about it, so they were always pressuring her about it. I didn't like that, I feel that when people are in a relationship other people should have no opinion about what goes on between it, unless it is abusive, which it wasn't.

Did your ex ever try to contact you?

Well as a parent I can tell you that when your daughter is shacking up with a guy, the parents are going to want to know if there will be a marriage. It cost the same amount to live together married or single. So if you're not ready for a marriage you're not ready to shack up. JMHO. So I can understand her parents concern.

Well as a parent I can tell you that when your daughter is shacking up with a guy, the parents are going to want to know if there will be a marriage. It cost the same amount to live together married or single. So if you're not ready for a marriage you're not ready to shack up. JMHO. So I can understand her parents concern.

No, her parents had been on her about it for the last two years alteast, we hve only lived together for the last year.

Parents of a daughter (especially) are going to want to know. Especially if they know their daughter may be having sex, it is a natural concern.
At any rate, get on with your life without her. She has grown in a different direction. It happens
It's a good thing you didn't marry, you need the time to explore. You two spent your teenage years together. You need to know who you are as adults.

I think the real thing about marriage was that her family kept asking her about it, so they were always pressuring her about it. I didn't like that, I feel that when people are in a relationship other people should have no opinion about what goes on between it, unless it is abusive, which it wasn't.

Did your ex ever try to contact you?

Oh yes, plenty of time. This is why I took so long to heal. Basically while she was with this other guy she wanted to "stay" friends or she was saying that she wasn't sure about her decision. It went on and off for 2 month ( we even got back together for 2 days, but it didn't work out ). 3 month later it still hurts a bit but much less, and she still wants us to stay friend but I don't think I can stay friend with her (it's tough we have the same group of friends). And this is why I tell you not to let her contact you, you'll just end up hurting much more.

As for the marriage, you are WAY too young to get married. My ex wanted something similar. If you are not ready for that then you should not commit to that. 20 years later it will just end up in a divorce, with kids being torned apart. This is why it is important to have several relationship and take our time.

It seems you are hoping for her to call back, just let it go. Your heart may tell you that you want to go back, but this is the time to listen to your brain and take some time off. Don't get weak :D

As for the marriage, you are WAY too young to get married. My ex wanted something similar. If you are not ready for that then you should not commit to that. 20 years later it will just end up in a divorce, with kids being torned apart. This is why it is important to have several relationship and take our time.

It seems you are hoping for her to call back, just let it go. Your heart may tell you that you want to go back, but this is the time to listen to your brain and take some time off. Don't get weak :D

I completely agree about re marriage thing, and voices that to her. I thought we both understood that.

I apart of me want her to try and contact me. But I know that it wouldn't work, unless she is willing to lay stuff out and work through it. Which I don't think she wants to do that kind of work if she came back. I think she would just want to come back and act like nothing happened and go back to what we were before all this(which is not possible)

I completely agree about re marriage thing, and voices that to her. I thought we both understood that.

I apart of me want her to try and contact me. But I know that it wouldn't work, unless she is willing to lay stuff out and work through it. Which I don't think she wants to do that kind of work if she came back. I think she would just want to come back and act like nothing happened and go back to what we were before all this(which is not possible)

Yea that's your problem. You see, as long as you have this hope of her contacting you and working things out with you, you are leaving yourself vulnerable and you won't heal like that. I knew you were in this situation, I was in the same one exactly. Now you know that it won't work out between you, so get those feelings and thoughts out of your system. I would have turned much better if I had all this said to me before. Trust me on this one. Is she trying to contact you? You said she was living with a guy with whom she was having feelings, she is only telling half the story, either she kissed him or she slept with him. Could you trust her again with that?

She is not contacting him. She is done. He is the one holding on. She left him. He needs to accept that and move on, not play the blame game or find fault wiith her.

Yea that's your problem. You see, as long as you have this hope of her contacting you and working things out with you, you are leaving yourself vulnerable and you won't heal like that. I knew you were in this situation, I was in the same one exactly. Now you know that it won't work out between you, so get those feelings and thoughts out of your system. I would have turned much better if I had all this said to me before. Trust me on this one. Is she trying to contact you? You said she was living with a guy with whom she was having feelings, she is only telling half the story, either she kissed him or she slept with him. Could you trust her again with that?

She admitted to kissing him, and no she hasn't tried to contact me yet, but it has only been 6 days. She has found new housing somewhere than with her family, renting a room somewhere near her work

She admitted to kissing him, and no she hasn't tried to contact me yet, but it has only been 6 days. She has found new housing somewhere than with her family, renting a room somewhere near her work

Yea, most probably she is going to contact you. Just to warn you, DO NOT LET HER STRING YOU ALONG. It is super important that you keep your head and be cold and brief with her. You need a lot of time alone after 4 years and a half, you need at least 1 to 2 month. Now I am not saying there is no chance, but most likely it will never work. It may look hard from my part but take care of yourself and everyday that passes you will feel better.

Everyday I feels better. Why does the kiss make you think she will contact me? If she contacted me, my thing would be that she contacted me for a reason, so I wouldn't do a lot of talking. That's smart right?

Well not really. See you are still hanging in the thought of her contacting you. As per experience, ex will most likely call to see how you doing ( this is to see if they still have the upper hand ) and it depends on the person, it can be days or month. The kiss itself will not make her contact you, it's just the whole process of breaking up that will make her contact you. And basically she will just leave the question hanging like: "how have you been", "what are you doing lately?". So if she calls, tell her you're doing fine and that you have a date or somewhere to go to and close the phone as fast as you can. You'll be proud of yourself after a while ( man pride :) )

I think if she contacts you it will be just to see how you are. I don't think there will be any other motive.
She is gone. You need to accept that.
But if it will make you feel better to think she is a conniving person, do that, but you will be doing that only for your benefit and it would not be fair to her.
Take the high road, be the adult you are and move on.

Serious question, what does a girl mean when they say,

"I love you more than anything, but I'm not in love with you"

They like you as a friend, not as a lover... pretty much what it means is BYE!

Romantic feelings are gone... game over.

It means, I think of you as my favorite lamp, but I will never sleep with you

Idk about, but I don't love any of my friends. There good friends, and I'm there if they need something, but I wouldn't say I love them

Why did you ask for advice, and when you get an answer, you rebut it? Look, you are nothing more than a person she cares deeply for... once she finds another boyfriend, your a$$ is in the garbage can... truth my friend! I love all my friends like family, for the record.

It is basically a nice way of saying I am not attracted to you anymore...

I think I'm already there, her caring for me deeply is great, but not needed. I made it without her before her and have always been an independent person. I always try to help my friends, but I never expect them to help me. (this is a little different, cause she has been there for so long) for some of the things I was going through with my family and in my own life, I wouldn't go to her, never wanted her to think I had any weakness, but I don't think I ever completely trusted her(really bad)

serious question, what does a girl mean when they say,

"I love you more than anything, but I'm not in love with you"
It means I love you are person, but not as a mate. I'm not in love with you as a woman would be in love with a man she is with.

I dated a guy all through H S we grew up together. When I was 19 I met my husband. I knew I wanted to be with him, it made we realize that what I felt for the guy I dated was comfort and love and friendship, but what I felt the passion I felt for the man who is my husband. I broke up with him because I knew he was not "the one" for me. That was 36 years ago.

I dated a guy all through H S we grew up together. When I was 19 I met my husband. I knew I wanted to be with him, it made we realize that what I felt for the guy I dated was comfort and love and friendship, but what I felt the passion I felt for the man who is my husband. I broke up with him because I knew he was not "the one" for me. That was 36 years ago.

Ok, but when a girl is re one tar brings up the marriage talk, would that mean she knows "he is the one"?

We talked about marriage too. I did love him.
It was not until I met my husband that I knew I loved him as a friend, I was comfortable with him, he was my best friend, but there was no spark, no passion.

He was heart broken, just like you. He got over it and later married. He has had a happy life.

We talked about marriage too. I did love him.
It was not until I met my husband that I knew I loved him as a freind, I was comfortable with him, he was my best friend, but there was no spark, no passion.

Girls need to stop give communication with fine print, plain and simple.

I loved her and cared about her deeply, but wasn't ready for marriage at such a young age. I wanted I more stable life(outta college, a career with some job security, and the money to be able to start a life on our own) before I wanted to get married. She just wouldn't wait for that. Sad thing is, that some of my friends and my boss, told me, what are you waiting for, you both love each other, living together, etc. just get married. Part of me says I shouldn't have listened, the other part of me say, wow did I dodge that bullet. She might have done this same thing after we were married, then what? I have never been one to run back home when something goes wrong, I'm stubborn in that way. She is the complete opposite, difference was, that I was the one that she ran to when something went wrong, or I was there to always protect her from bad situations, with her friends or family, or money.

She was not playing with you, this was not miscommunication. She is young, you both are very young. Marriage was what she thought she wanted as did I. She realized she did not want to be with you and left. Who knows later you may have realized the same thing.
It is what it is. This happens all of the time with young love. You grow out of each other. You realize you don't have the kind of love for each other to marry. Maybe she was too dependent on you and realized it was not good. And maybe you thought she owed you something because you were always there, maybe it made you feel good, maybe like you were a little better than her.
Don't blame her, just realize it's over and move on. Maybe you both were dependent on each other for different things and it is time to grow up.

I don't think marriage is the reason she left. I think she realized that she did not love you that way. She grew out of you. It happens.
You may have been wonderful, a wonderful catch, but you are not the one for her.

She was not playing with you, this was not miscommunication. She is young, you both are very young. Marriage was what she thought she wanted as did I. She realized she did not want to be with you and left. Who knows later you may have realized the same thing.
It is what it is. This happens all of the time with young love. You grow out of each other. You realize you don't have the kind of love for each other to marry. Maybe she was too dependant on you and realized it was not good. And maybe you thought she owed you something because you were always there, maybe it made you feel good, maybe like you were a little better than her.
Don't blame her, just realize it's over and move on. Maybe you both were dependant on each other for different things and it is time to grow up.

I would say that marriage is what she wanted, when you ask someone if you proposed to them 6 months ago, would it have worked out, and they say yes. (who knows could have done this and the same thing would have happened.) all she ever said, was that we weren't going any where with our relationship, though I laid out what my plans every time the conversation was brought up, and she would never give what her plans were. I never expect other people to help me out with my situations, I always think I can handle everything, but if it get to out of hand, I will go to someone. Like the time I almost died from my lunge collapsing, I needed someone there, and she was no matter what.

I didn't say marriage wasn't what she wanted. I don't think it was the full reason she left. I think she was not feeling the same about you.
I think you both needed each other for that time in your lives.
You can place all the blame on her if it makes you feel better, but I'm sure you were not probably Mr perfect either.
The relationship is over, it has run it's course. Be angry if you must, but you need to lose it so you can move on.

Yeah I would agree with that. No one is mr or mrs perfect. As for reading between the lines, is the day before she left and weeks before that we talked about future plans. No joke, I didn't see it coming.

Your in shock, that's understandable, and a common human reaction, to a suddenly changing situation.

I'm sure you couldn't see it coming. Maybe she didn't either. Maybe she met this guy and knew she could not be with you, maybe there were things going on between the two of you that to you was no big deal, but bothered her. You said you had anger problems she was not happy with, I don't know. But whatever the reason, she is gone and you are hurt and angry, but you must let go. Maybe if you stay angry long enough you will be able to just let go. That's what we do sometimes. We place blame so we can be angry, subconsciously thinking this will ease the pain.
I wish you well.

I'm sure you couldn't see it coming. Maybe she didn't either. Maybe she met this guy and knew she could not be with you, maybe there were things going on between the two of you that to you was no big deal, but bothered her. You said you had anger problems she was not happy with, I don't know. But whatever the reason, she is gone and you are hurt and angry, but you must let go. Maybe if you stay angry long enough you will be able to just let go. That's what we do sometimes. We place blame so we can be angry, subconsciously thinking this will ease the pain.
I wish you well.

Yeah, my anger problems came from the depression of the three life thretening surgies I had I had, which she was there for, and I was glad for that, and she knew that. I never thought she would stay with me, after my body had beenso battered and broken. Either way the anger from those had gone away, after I had healed and rebuild my life and body.

I would like to think there was nothing going on between them behind my back, I see it as next to impossible.

Maybe there wasn't. The point is she is now gone. If there was, there is nothing you can do about it now it won't change anything.
And if there wasn't, it still does not change anything. It is what is it.
You said she told you that she has problem with your anger, you also said that you never felt she did for you what you did for her, but yet you say she stuck by you when you were ill.
It could be there were things going on you just paid no attention to. At any rate, she left now you need to move on.
You are only 22 you have a lot of growing to do you have a future ahead of you. Take this time to learn about yourself apart from her.

Day 7

I'm going through my basement and the rest of my stuff, and collecting the last of my stuff, and sticking it in and box. The driving to her parents house and leaving it in the drive way. Should I put the cards she has given me in the box? With a note that says, "change your address, whatever mail comes, will be sent back to the post office. Also close the bank account, if it's not closed on a week, I will close it and mail the check.

Bye"

Anything need to be added to the note?

You don't need to give back cards, that is a dig. Be bigger than that.
Tell her in a note "don't forget to close the account and change the address on your mail"
What ever mail you get, forward it.

You don't need to give back cards, that is a dig. Be bigger than that.
Tell her in a note "don't forget to close the account and change the address on your mail"
What ever mail you get, forward it.

Well I don't want her to take her sweet little time, that's why I'm gibing her a timeline

Well then give her the time line, just don't be rude about it. But can't you just take your name off the account?

Well then give her the time line, just don't be rude about it. But can't you just take your name off the account?

Nope, both of us have to be there for one of us to take one I our names off re account, and I really don't want to deal with her right now. No steps backwards!!

Ok. Do what you got to do.

Ok. Do what you got to do.

I think I'll just through them out, seal then in a envelope and write a year later date that I can read them.(if I remember them)

Well like I said, do what you need to do to get through this.
I wish you well

I know that you are hurt, but there is no need to be rude. She felt pain from this too. She is a human with feelings. Breaking up with someone you have been with for so long is not an easy decision nor is it fun process for either party.

Like Homegirl said, be the bigger man, and treat her with some respect and politeness. That will have a greater effect than being a jerk.

My suggestion would be, take care of the all of your business with her now while everything is fresh. That way later on, when you are starting to heal, you can continue the process and not have it interrupted by something that could be easily taken care of now.

I know that you are hurt, but there is no need to be rude. She felt pain from this too. She is a human with feelings. Breaking up with someone you have been with for so long is not an easy decision nor is it fun process for either party.

Like Homegirl said, be the bigger man, and treat her with some respect and politeness. That will have a greater effect than being a jerk.

My suggestion would be, take care of the all of your business with her now while everything is fresh. That way later on, when you are starting to heal, you can continue the process and not have it interrupted by something that could be easily taken care of now.

If I may ask what is rube about my plan, so I may try to avoid it...
She hasn't tried to contact me, and I won't be the haven for her to run back to when this turns out bad. I want to be the one she comes back cause she wants to

If she came back to you cause she wanted to, how would you know that was the reason?
Things would not be the same. If it did not work out with this guy, I don't think she would come back though.

I think the rudness would be sending back all the cards she gave you and "telling" her what she needs to do. Just the attitude.

If she came back to you cause she wanted to, how would you know that was the reason?
Things would not be the same. If it did not work out with this guy, I dont think she would come back though.

I think the rudness would be sending back all the cards she gave you and "telling" her what she needs to do. Just the attitude.

Your right she could just lie to me about the reason. Then what would be the reason for her coming back? If she came back, my wish is that it was because she wanted to be with me, not cause this new guy wasn't what she thought. My thing is, I would have to see something that told me she is serious, that she wouldn't pack up and leave every time the road wasn't covered with roses. I want someone who is willing to fight through the hard times, knowing that things always get better, it just depends on how much your willing to work.

I understand about the rudeness, my thing would be, "don't forget to change the address and close the account. i can do it if your not able to(she works at the bank the account is at) i will close it and mail you the check" as for the cards, I'm either going to toss them, or seal them up, and write a date 1 yr from the date it is sealed

That sounds better than your original plan. I would go with what you just outlined above.

That sounds better than your original plan. I would go with what you just outlined above.

Thanks

You think anything else should go into the note? (feelings about what has happened, don't contact me, I know we'll look back on this and laugh one day, etc.)

your right she could just lie to me about the reason. then what would be the reason for her coming back? If she came back, my wish is that it was because she wanted to be with me, not cause this new guy wasn't what she thought. my thing is, i would have to see something that told me she is serious, that she wouldn't pack up and leave every time the road wasn't covered with roses. I want someone who is willing to fight thru the hard times, knowing that things always get better, it just depends on how much your willing to work.


But you said she did stick by you through your illness and depression and your anger problems. You are hurt and forgetting that. I think she left because she just was not feeling you anymore and that was her right to do. You don't have to stay with someone you are no longer happy with.
You are assuming the worse about her and I think you are doing it because it makes you angry and helps you deal with the pain. I think this young lady has moved on, whether it is with another guy or not, she has moved on and you should too.

Send the note you said you will send and get out and do something for yourself. Try something different. Put her behind you.
I know it is hard now, but it will get better.

But you said she did stick by you through your illness and depression and your anger problems. You are hurt and forgetting that. I think she left because she just was not feeling you anymore and that was her right to do. You don't have to stay with someone you are no longer happy with.
You are assuming the worse about her and I think you are doing it because it makes you angry and helps you deal with the pain. I think this young lady has moved on, whether it is with another guy or not, she has moved on and you should too.

Send the note you said you will send and get out and do something for yourself. Try something different. Put her behind you.
I know it is hard now, but it will get better.

That's what I don't understand, I can't count the times my feelig changed towards her or the "the spark is gone" or the times I just wanted to end it or the times another girl came into the picture or back. Each time my thing was to work through everything, nothing in life is that hard that you should throw up your hands and give up.

Is she a weaker person than me because of that?

No she isn't weaker, she just doesn't see things as you do. Accept her feelings are different, and let go.

No she is not a weaker person, she is different. When someone does not feel the same as you, it does not mean they are weak or less committed. She does not have to love you just because you love her. She does not have to hang on to something she may not be feeling just because you are, you don't have to either. Walking away from something is not always a sign of weakness.

You chose to stay and work things out for you, did you choose to work things out because for you it was easier? Does that make you weak?
No! You are a person who does not give up. That is a good thing, but it can also be a bad thing because you may not see that it is foolish to try to hang on to something that is not good or someone who does not feel as you do. It's like not having sense enough to come out of the rain because you refuse to give up.
It can also be bad because you can be in the frame of mind that you are always right and there is something wrong with everyone else.

Day 11,

I keep flipping back and forth from love hate feelings about what has happened. Been staying busy, which has helped a lot. Anyway, I have gathered all the stuff the she has left and her mail, and plan on sending it out this afternoon.

"Dear _______

I have boxed up the last of your things, and the mail that has come up until now. please don't forget change your address, i have enclosed a change of address packet from the post office. please close the account as soon as possible, if you are unable to do that, I will take care of it on july 6th. hope all is well, take care.

signature

My name"

Any suggestion on what should be added or changed?

Dear ___,

Here is your sh**.

Later!

Your Name

Day 11,

I keep flipping back and forth from love hate feelings about what has happened. been staying busy, which has helped alot. anyways, i have gathered all the stuff the she has left and her mail, and plan on sending it out this afternoon.

"Dear _______

I have boxed up the last of your things, and the mail that has come up until now. please don't forget change your address, i have enclosed a change of address packet from the post office. please close the account as soon as possible, if you are unable to do that, I will take care of it on july 6th. hope all is well, take care.

signature

My name"

any suggestion on what should be added or changed?

The flipping back and forth is normal. You will get through this. Stay strong!
The letter is fine. No need to say or do anything else

Think there is a difference if I hand write it or print it? Probably wouldn't really matter.

As for the flipping back and forth it only happens when I'm by myself and not doing something constructive. When I'm at work is the best time, but I don't want to turn into someone who only works, and never lives.

Whether your print it or write it does not matter.
It is easier when you work because your mind is occupied. It will get easier when you're not working. It takes time.
You're going to be all right.

Whether your print it or write it does not matter.
It is easier when you work because your mind is occupied. It will get easier when you're not working. It takes time.
You're going to be alright.

Is it wrong to be cocky in the thought that she'll end up coming back. I feel very confident about myself. I doubt she will, and even if she did, I don't know how I would handle it. Or if she tries to contact me in another way

I need to stop going through the WHAT IF's

Yes you do, and you will go back and forth with that and that's OK. It's normal.
Stay away from her, don't talk to her, it will be easier for you. This is all about you now, do what is easier for you.

Yes you do, and you will go back and forth with that and that's OK. It's normal.
Stay away from her, don't talk to her, it will be easier for you. This is all about you now, do what is easier for you.

I have been staying away from her, though it is kind of hard, cause we had a lot of the same friends, I have cut contact to them for the time being, but when I going back home, I'm close to where her family is, which has been the only place she I going. And if I ever to visit my friends, I'm really close, and fear that she might find me, but I refuse to break contact or not see my friends, which I have been around for 8 or so years, they have always been there for me. I just don't want to bump into her on accident, I want her to come to me.

What should I do if she tries to contact me? I don't really want to go through the how have you been conversation

You avoid the phone call! I told you the same thing a few pages back. She knows where you live, therefore anything she really HAS to say, she can walk her arse over to your place and say it face to face like a mature adult

You tell her you cannot talk to her right now and to respect that and leave you alone.
In fact you can put that in your note.
Please do not contact me.

You tell her you cannot talk to her right now and to respect that and leave you alone.
In fact you can put that in your note.
Please do not contact me.

Wouldn't that just push her away completely?

No, it will let her know you don't want her to contact you right now.
You are still under the assumption that she will come back and you don't want to push her away. Leave that assumption alone and just deal with YOU in the now.

You tell her you are retuning her things and asking that she not contact you right now. She will know what you are saying.

She might take it as never contact me, which even if she did want to come back she wouldn't cause of what I said

She is not stupid!
You tell her don't contact me right now because you can't deal with it. She will know what you mean.
You're not telling her to not ever contact you. You are just saying NOW.
Like I said she will know what you mean. She does not appear to be stupid and you are not telling her this in anger. Which is why I told you to not be rude.

No she isn't stupid, but wow is she stubborn about stuff. Its whatever though, I really only want to talk to her if she is ready to come back and work at stuff, which is mostly not going to happen, unless she has no where else to go

I know that is how you feel but you don't want her calling you just because she has no where else to go either.
If she is stubborn enough to contact you after you have asked her not to, that is not a good sign on her point.
Stick with the no contact, especially while your feelings are waffling back and forth.
You tell her ou can't deal with contact right now and ask her to respect that. If she is a decent person, she will.

And when you are feeling more sure of yourself, you can send her a How are you? Card.

That will open the door again, if you still want it open. You may find you don't.

I know that is how you feel but you don't want her calling you just because she has no where else to go either.
If she is stubborn enough to contact you after you have asked her not to, that is not a good sign on her point.


Why is it not a good sign on her point?

Because she is not showing concern or respect for your feelings. She left you, so she should respect what you ask of her.

All I have been is walked over in that case. When she left, she took everything I gave her, and everything she gave me. I'm shocked I still have anything in my room. At her rate I was expecting ants and rug to keep me company for awhile.

Honestly who takes gifts back like chains, movies, bar stuff, and keeps every present I gave her?

Then stop worrying about whether she would want to contact you.
Tell her not to contact you in the note you write and move on. I don't think she will though any way
Believe me, you will be much better off having done so.

It's good to know when you are posting to deaf ears.If you are only looking to hear what you want to hear, then why don't you tell us what you would like us to say...


I think I'm in love.

I think I'm in love.

What? I don't get it

I don't think his ears are deaf. He is hurting, that is understandable. He's just just working through it. Give him a break!

what? i don't get it

Don't worry about it. You are going to be OK.
Just hang in there

You may still be in shock, but that's no excuse for holding on to the false hope she will change her mind, I mean geez guy, you just said that she dumped you, and took EVERYTHING when she left.
Talaniman Rule- When you get dumped, have the dignity and self respect to revoke all of their relationship privileges. That means NO CONTACT.
You can't be that in love that you will give up your own dignity, and self respect, by leaving the door open for her, can you?

You may still be in shock, but thats no excuse for holding on to the false hope she will change her mind, I mean geez guy, you just said that she dumped you, and took EVERYTHING when she left.
Talaniman Rule- When you get dumped, have the dignity and self respect to revoke all of their relationship privileges. That means NO CONTACT.
You can't be that in love that you will give up your own dignity, and self respect, by leaving the door open for her, can you??


Talanman, my thoughts exactly.

Listen OP, I know you're hurting. There's dozen of posts here telling you the same message. Yet you keep asking the same questions again and again because you don't like answer and/or it doesn't agree with the desperation behavior you're projecting. Acting out of desperation is NOT attractive. You will push her further away.

Right now you need to let go her. Move on with your life. There is no "What if's..." with this girl, only "What was...".

Hang in there buddy. Stay strong.

You may still be in shock, but thats no excuse for holding on to the false hope she will change her mind, I mean geez guy, you just said that she dumped you, and took EVERYTHING when she left.
Talaniman Rule- When you get dumped, have the dignity and self respect to revoke all of their relationship privileges. That means NO CONTACT.
You can't be that in love that you will give up your own dignity, and self respect, by leaving the door open for her, can you??

I have been staying away from contact with her, the last piece of correspondence will be mailed out today. How am I leaving the door open for her? I got out all the time, and if I'm not doing that I'm sleeping or working, yeah I think about the situation at hand, its really hard to not, right after everything, but I make no actions on anything.

Acting out of desperation is NOT attractive. You will push her further away.

I haven't made any actions towards her, she doesn't contact me, I don't contact her. How else could I be pushing her further away?

Well it has been sent, but of course I forgot the change of address package. It should be received in 3 days

Time will only tell.

Just don't expect anything in return. In fact you will be better off if you don't hear from her.
Today is a new day. Start over from this second on.

I wish you well.

Just don't expect anything in return. In fact you will be better off if you don't hear from her.
Today is a new day. Start over from this second on.

I wish you well.

Thank you for the help and advice. I will post updates if anything changes

I'll be here any time you need an ear.

DAY 13

Bad news

Last night I went to visit my grandparents after work, and my cousin was there. Come to find out that his weeding has been called off, because they are going through hard times. He has been with this girl for two and a half years, proposed at 1 year. They both live together at her mothers house (even after the break up), I talked to him about what had happened and suggested that he stays away from her as much as possible, NC. To let her work stuff out. I offered him a place to stay just so he could get up and leave to truly have NC. Its wrong to say, but it is nice to have someone close to me going through a similar situation. I think his is fixable.

As for my situation, there really isn't any update, I don't think mine is fixable anymore, she received the package I sent her yesterday.

Well maybe this will help having some one around for a while, but you are going to be fine without her. Give yourself some time.
Hang in there young man

Yeah I know I'll be fine in the long term. It feels like she isn't even with this guy cause she wants to be, she just wants to rub it in. maybe I could be wrong. Even with all this, I keep laughing at the situation, as if I'm not even in it.

How does someone trust someone again, after thing? How are you to know that this person is the one, after the last person you felt was the one, pulled something like this?

Girl really do like the new relationship feeling, getting hugs and kisses all the time, and nice texts or VM.

You can't be serious. You think she is with this guy to rub it in? That is crazy thinking. If she is with him, she is with him because she wants to be.
We don't like the "new relationship" feeling anymore than guys do. When something new and fresh comes along, guys often hop right on it.
But you should not stop doing those thing you did to get her, don't take her for granted and say "well I have her so I can stop holding her hands and doing nice things"
You're having a bad day, you're talking crazy.

She left you, she did not cheat. She left you because she wanted something else, so this is not about trust.
When you are over this, you will see things differently and you will meet someone else and if she is "the one" you will know it.

I think that what she is doing, she hasn't looked past her nose. Is taking the few bad times, and covering all the good times. Is going to this guy for immediate satisfaction and comfort, if that makes since.
I agree with the new relationship feeling, but she is 2 years younger than I am, and I was looking for towards the future of us, not the then and now.

She left you, she did not cheat. She left ou because she wnts something else, so this is not about trust.
When you are over this, you will see things differently and you will meet someone else and if she is "the one" you will know it.

I have no idea if she cheated on me, the way things are looking, it seems like it happened

We all think its forever when we are in love, but the reality is, stuff happens, and people change, and so does life.

Maybe you have never been dumped before, or never had to dump someone, because your heart and feelings have changed, but keep living and you will.

It sucks, but you better start learning to cope with your feelings in a positive way, as that's what's going to carry you through many things life will throw at you down the road.

So don't wallow in your own pity, to long because you may miss other options, and opportunities, that may require your attention.

Accepting things for what they are, is the key to dealing with them.

Dwelling on what was, is a fools game, to escape responsibility for your own happiness.

Maybe you have never been dumped before, or never had to dump someone, because your heart and feelings have changed, but keep living and you will.


Sad to say, but the real relationships that I have had, have always ended in cheating. The first one just never talked to me again and got another guy who she had been seeing behind my back. The second one, well I still don't know what happened with that one. Third cheated on me, and had her friend tell me that is was over, her friend became one of my best friends after that. And this one, yeah she might not have cheated on me, but all the facts are showing different.

Am I just blind in my relationships, since this keeps happening to me? Do I just care too much, that I don't see things coming?

I've been cheated on in every one of my relationships that mattered too. First one, cheated on me numerous times and I was only 16-18 and it took me until I was 21 to even speak to her again. She was so cold on how she did it, she would paint it as my fault to make me feel guilty. The second one, who was the most recent, was emotional cheating. She would talk to him, behind my back but to my face tell me nothing was going on and nothing could ever happen. That is the biggest red flag, the one they tell you that you don't have to worry about, is the biggest one to worry about. She broke up with me, after texting my cousin saying she was going to do it. Then on the day we exchange gifts, she asked me for "one last kiss" and after we broke up, still tried to control my life, who I talked to and who I hooked up with.

I am now happily engaged to a wonderful woman, who I love unconditionally. Sure my trust was and still is sketchy at times, but I have faith in who she is as a person that she won't cheat on me. I can't control if she will or not, but I firmly believe that she wouldn't. In my opinion, you have to be stable and happy being alone with yourself before you can be happy in a relationship with someone else.

In my opinion, you have to be stable and happy being alone with yourself before you can be happy in a relationship with someone else.

I would agree with that. Its shocking that people cheat to get out of relationships, instead of biting the bullet and being honest, at least then it would be easier to not look at them in a bad way

i think that what she is doing, she hasn't looked past her nose. is taking the few bad times, and covering all the good times. is going to this guy for immediate satisfaction and comfort, if that makes since.
i agree with the new relationship feeling, but she is 2 years younger than i am, and i was looking for towards the future of us, not the then and now.
How do you know she has not looked past her nose? Maybe she is with this guy because he is good for her. There is nothing wrong with her because she chose someone else and there is nothing wrong with you either. It is what it is!
You mentioned immediate satisfaction and comfort. Were you ignoring her, being complacent with her, was this an on going problem with you two?
You seem to be a very serious person and that is OK but maybe she is just not that way and wanted some freedom to be a 20 year old. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be yourself.
Looking towards the future is fine, but you can't ignore the here and now in a relationship. When you take care of the here and now, you can take it into the future.

Yes that is true, but every time my relationships have ended, the world didn't end, I didn't die and I actually regrouped nicely and better than before. Life goes on

i have no idea if she cheated on me, the way things are looking, it seems like it happened
I think it may be the way things are going in YOUR mind. I think it would be easier for you to think the worse of her, to think she cheated, than to think she left you because she was not happy with you.

sad to say, but the real relationships that i have had, have always ended in cheating. the first one just never talked to me again and got another guy who she had been seeing behind my back. the second one, well i still don't know what happened with that one. Third cheated on me, and had her friend tell me that is was over, her friend became one of my best friends after that. and this one, yeah she might not have cheated on me, but all the facts are showing different.

am i just blind in my relationships, since this keeps happening to me? do i just care to much, that i don't see things coming?
You are so busy looking towards the future, you ignore the here and now. These are your own words. You see what you want to see.
I think you need to use this time to find out things about yourself.

I think it may be the way things are going in YOUR mind. I think it would be easier for you to think the worse of her, to think she cheated, than to think she left you because she was not happy with you.

OK, how's this.

I never met the guy, but she talked about him to me, not in a relationship way. She said the whole you don't have to worry about him, I love you. Then she comes home, says she is leaving, and ends up in this guys bed, 2 hours later, but lied to me about it all. Even after I knew, she still played like I was stupid. Right afterward we had parties to go to on Saturday and Sunday, which I never went to, but she took him with her, and would not talk to me around him, while all I wanted to do was get it arranged for her to get the last of her stuff. I don't know anyone who could pick up and leave that quick, and be in another persons arms that quick, without having planned it (cheated), and not being able to be by themselves (she has comfort issues, and always needs to know that someone is there for her, to have and hold)

In my eyes, whether you want to call it cheating or not, is looking as if she cheated, had a rush and said why not. You would have to be one heartless person to have got over something that long so fast. Even the devil would have taken some time

People go from one person to another that quick all of the time without ever being with that person before. It is not a wise thing but it happens, so you don't know for sure if she cheated. But if she did, shame on her.
But now, she is gone and you need to stop dewlling on this and move on.

You are so busy looking towards the future, you ignore the here and now. These are your own words. You see what you want to see.
I think you need to use this time to find out things about yourself.

What is wrong with looking towards the future in general or relationships. You plan on where you want to go, and then work to achieve it

Yes, but while you are busy planning, that's time being wasted. I never once planned to be in the relationship I am in. I simply continued with each day, I did what I did and was done with it. Sure I set PERSONAL goals for myself, but nothing like "my next relationship" To that extent the most I did was make a list of qualities that a girl would have to possess in order for me to pursue. They weren't high maintenance ones, just simply things that I wanted in a relationship(intelligence, funny, sense of humor) but never plan for a relationship

Like a beautiful bird in a cage, set it free. Watch it fly away, no matter how much it may hurt you. Time has a way of healing all wounds. Rather you want to believe that right now or not. Take it from an old man who survived it. Back in a day .
Now that done ,Stand up taller, walk straighter, than you ever have in the past. You shall show her as well as everyone else you are the greater person for not having her around. When she does come crawling back, or calling you ( and she will ) refrain, for who wants yesterdays leftovers. ( don't tell her this ) Tell her that you will always love her but it was her that walked out when you needed her most. You have moved on, because life goes on.
In the end You will find your glory .

Yes, but while you are busy planning, that's time being wasted. I never once planned to be in the relationship I am in. I simply continued with each day, I did what I did and was done with it. Sure I set PERSONAL goals for myself, but nothing like "my next relationship" To that extent the most I did was make a list of qualities that a girl would have to possess in order for me to pursue. They weren't high maintenance ones, just simply things that I wanted in a relationship(intelligence, funny, sense of humor) but never plan for a relationship

My thing isn't planning a relationship, I mean, what is wrong with planning towards a future, such as engagement or a family. That said, when we were together I was making a lot of moves for things and not telling her about them, such as financing a house, looking at how much it would cost to get her through college. Besides those, which are major, just basic things, like vacations and trips we would like to take.

what is wrong with looking towards the future in general or relationships. you plan on where you want to go, and then work to achieve it
Nothing is wrong with it. But you can be so focused in the future that you ignore the present. So focused on preparing and planing for the future that to ignore what needs to be done to keep things going in the present.
You can't ignore a person while you're busy planning for the future and expect them to be there when you're ready to deal with them.

Dude, you have to have someone who wants what you want, and is willing to work with you to get it. Your going down one path, and your partners are on another. That never works.

Your plans look good on paper, but are unrealistic. Its like buying a car and not knowing how to drive, you make mistakes, and tear the car up before you get the skills to make it go smoothly, to where you want it.

I think you should slowdown with relationships for a while, and just have fun making friends, and dating. You need those social skills, so you know how to pick the right partner, and not think you can make one from just any body.

You can't ignore a person while you're busy planning for the future and expect them to be there when you're ready to deal with them.

I understand that, I don't not believe I ignored her, but I didn't spend every waking second focusing on her

Dude, you have to have someone who wants what you want, and is willing to work with you to get it. Your going down one path, and your partners are on another. That never works.

Your plans look good on paper, but are unrealistic. Its like buying a car and not knowing how to drive, you make mistakes, and tear the car up before you get the skills to make it go smoothly, to where you want it.

I think you should slowdown with relationships for a while, and just have fun making friends, and dating. You need those social skills, so you know how to pick the right partner, and not think you can make one from just any body.

I had talk to her about both things, and she understood and agreed with me, she was excited and getting a house, and getting through college. What I didn't talk to her about was where the house might be, how much it was, or when we would be getting it.

As for future relationships, heck I don't know, I'm 22(in 8 days) I never look for serious relationship before, I always seemed to fall into them, as more time past and it becomes more serious.

i understand that, i don't not believe i ignored her, but i didn't spend every waking second focusing on her
And you shouldn't.
You seem like a very focused person and that is good but you need to learn to enjoy life.
Perhaps you were focusing on things that she just didn't care about. You were certainly doing things she didn't even know about. Sounds to me like you have a control thing going on as well. Maybe you were so focused on your plans, you were ignoring her and did not realize it.
I think as a 20 year old young lady, she just was not on the same page you are on and that is not to say that's wrong, you two are just not on the same page.
Now it's time for you to let this go and move on.

I think you are too intense, you need to chill a bit. How about making plans for YOUR life, just you. Stay out of relationships for a while. Focus on you.

I think you are too intense, you need to chill a bit. How about making plans for YOUR life, just you. Stay out of relationships for a while. Focus on you.

Too intense?

I would like to date, but nothing serious. Just go and have fun

Then do that.
Let her go and have fun. It only gets serious when you let it get that way.

I'm not sure dating is the most viable option for you right now... I would stick to just hanging with friends and having a good time. Ordinarily, after a rough break up, you want to give yourself some time in between dating to get to know yourself and what makes you happy, before you jump into dating, regardless of whether you take it seriously or not.

You can have "fun" without going on dates. Becareful not to fall into the trap of bringing emotional baggage into another person's life.

I'm not sure dating is the most viable option for you right now...I would stick to just hanging with friends and having a good time. Ordinarily, after a rough break up, you want to give yourself some time in between dating to get to know yourself and what makes you happy, before you jump into dating, regardless of whether you take it seriously or not.

You can have "fun" without going on dates. Becareful not to fall into the trap of bringing emotional baggage into another person's life.

I didn't mean right now. I don't want a rebound girl, that isn't fair to her or me.

You are talking a lot of "what ifs" man. Right now, this is what I want you to do. Go and find a hobby, something that will occupy at least an hour and a half of your time a day. Then I also want you to go and buy and bag of pens, and a notebook. Each day, I want you to put one entry in that notebook about how you are feeling that day. Good or bad, always write in it and date it. Anything you wish to say to her through a phone call or text, do it in there. Then in ONE month, go back and read the first 3 entries and the last 3 entries, see how far you have come.

Don't worry about women right now. You just lost the love of your life. Now you need to experience what life has to offer on your own for a while. Let all of this emotional turmoil settle and go out and have fun. Trust me, no matter how bad things are, fun distracts ALWAYS take your mind off the bad things for a little while.

Also, since you seemed stressed out, try joining a gym. Exercise relieves stress, PLUS, there are women at gyms... scantily clad ones. That certainly passes the time for me for about 1-2 hours a day. After you're done exercising, you will feel great. This also goes for other gym memebers. I find the people at my gyms are pretty friendly... even the women.

Don't worry about women right now. You just lost the love of your life. Now you need to experience what life has to offer on your own for a while. Let all of this emotional turmoil settle and go out and have fun. Trust me, no matter how bad things are, fun distracts ALWAYS take your mind off the bad things for a little while.

Also, since you seemed stressed out, try joining a gym. Exercise relieves stress, PLUS, there are women at gyms....scantily clad ones. That certainly passes the time for me for about 1-2 hours a day. After you're done exercising, you will feel great. This also goes for other gym memebers. I find the people at my gyms are pretty friendly...even the women.

Yeah, I have been working out on my gym at home. As for doing fun thing I like going hiking/rock climbing. After that I don't really care what is going on in the world, cause I'm beat from doing that for 8-10 hrs.

Bad to say but one of my biggest hobbies is computer, since I'm in the IT field.

I never look for serious relationship before, I always seemed to fall into them, as more time past and it becomes more serious.
Darn if that doesn't happen to us all. Once you have sex, your both hooked. Until the lust fades. Then the stuff hits the fan!

after that I don't really care what is going on in the world, cause I'm beat from doing that for 8-10 hrs.
Then that is EXACTLY what you need. You need to do something that makes you not care what is going on for a little while to keep your mind off her and elevate your mood for a while.

You need to get out and stop dwelling on things. I'll tell you what... for the next month, do not turn down ANY social invitations (unless you absolutely have to) from any of your friends. Go out or hang out with some friends at least 4 times a week. Then come back and tell us how you feel...

Tal:

Darn if that doesn't happen to us all. Once you have sex, your both hooked. Until the lust fades. Then the stuff hits the fan!
After lust... that's when you really know what you have.

next month, do not turn down ANY social invitations (unless you absolutely have to) from any of your friends. Go out or hang out with some friends at least 4 times a week. Then come back and tell us how you feel...

That's exactly how I got through being dumped, back in the day.

Smile at the goods, laugh at the bads

Day 15,

It's gotten better, I have been hanging out with my cousin for the most part. And listening to his situation, though it doesn't take my mind off mine, it gives me a problem to solve and help him through the stages that I have gone through. His is recent, and he will finally be away from her in 2 days. ( I never thought I would he this close to him, we never really talk when we were younger) anyhow it feels good to be able to hang out with someone going through the same thing. I have take a lot of the advice all of you have given me and passed it to him. Thanks again for all the great advice, I will be back in a couple days to give an update on my situation

Group therapy is the best. That's why this website helps! Everyone on here has, or is, going through the same thing.

I'm glad to hear you're not dwelling anymore. The more you help your cousin, the more it will help you.

Day #---

So I took my cousin hiking with me yesterday, 9 mile hike burned off a lot of stress, and was able to take his mind off his situation, though for some reason it didn't help me distract my mind. I felt that I had 10 steps forwards, now I feel like I just took 40 backwards.

I'm back to not sleeping. For eating, I never have time, I'm running constantly, which is probably part of my sleep problem. I wouldn't wish this on an enemy, I'd rather go back in time and go through my 3 surgies, that was less painful and scary

day #---
i felt that i had 10 steps forwards, now i feel like i just took 40 backwards.

i'm back to not sleeping. for eating, i never have time, i'm running constantly, which is probably part of my sleep problem. i wouldn't wish this on an enemy, i'd rather go back in time and go thru my 3 surgies, that was less painful and scary

AKeagle,
I have been there years ago, and I know exactly how you feel... It is miserable, and that is what is about break-up. I could not eat or sleep, did not want to breath, and I did not care about anything around me include my job... I was lost and actually hate myself without any reasons. I dragged myself to work, but could not focus on anything.

HOWEVER, manage yourself with DIGNITY. DO NOT contact your ex girlfriend. If you do, you will regret more in future, and feel ashamed.

The healing process have multiple steps, and you feel worse now because your mind is finally accepting your loss after the initial shock & anger. It is very natural, and you should feel empty. I felt more miserable by the fact that I miss (instead of hate) my ex who put me in the great pain. Life seemed unfair to me, since the ex is getting more power over the break up while I miss the person, and the innocent person is suffering alone in pain.

HOWEVER, do not worry. It will pass, and you will be rewarded. Your ex did a good thing for you actually. You should be happy since you are single, and entitled to search your REAL soul mate instead of settling down with less. I found my soul mate and am happily married now.

You need some sleep to function. In my experience, the anti anxiety pill helped me to relax & sleep, and you need doctor's prescription.

Be strong!

It's all part of the healing process, but you will soon feel better. Try to do whatever you are doing and not reminiscing about the past. Change the subject with your cousin, see other people...

That's EXACTLY what I am saying. My ex would call me everyday after the break up, every night it would be the same story "I don't know if this is what I want, but it feels right" And then apologizing for hurting me.

After a week of these mind games, I deleted her number, myspace and everything that I had up about her. For every picture I had on my wall, a new motivational quote when up in it's place. I got into the gym, got toned and bigger. Felt good about myself, kept going NC, even worked with her and for 5 months, no talking. I met a terrific woman, got engaged and are now to be wed on June 26 2010.

My ex, still calls occasionally asking for another chance. I have learned that the past is that, a sunken old ship. No matter how many times you raise it, it will still sink and never be the same again.

Wow, that is a nice outcome. Was the new woman better than your EX?

How long after she broke up with you that your EX wants you back?

Yep, she is 10x better in every way.

She tried to get me to talk to her after 2 months of NC, then after we broke NC after 5 months it started with the whole, could you see us together again?

HOWEVER, manage yourself with DIGNITY. DO NOT contact your ex gf. If you do, you will regret more in future, and feel ashamed.

You need some sleep to function. In my experience, the anti anxiety pill helped me to relax & sleep, and you need doctor's prescription.

Be strong!

I don't contact her, and she doesn't contact me. As for sleeping, I don't know what to do about it, I wake up early go to work, and after I rush around doing stuff, trying not to think.

As for changing the subject with my cousin, I have, but have told him I am there if he needs anything, I would have liked nothing more, but for someone to be there to talk to at anytime. So I'm doing that for him. We only have our grandparents up here with us, so we have been staying close, and doing things together.

I think I have accepted the fact that she isn't coming back, and the she never with try to contact me or get in touch with me.

You need some sleep to function. In my experience, the anti anxiety pill helped me to relax & sleep, and you need doctor's prescription.I had some success with sleeping, and eating by doing things at the same time every day, and smaller meals, but more meals, (like on a diet nowadays) helped with the eating right, and a hard workout earlier in the day before dinner just plain knocked me out at night, as eating, or exercising, right before bed may not be the best time for either activity.

Never took prescription meds to sleep, as two aspirin after a hot shower, always relaxed me enough to sleep.

Its when, and how, that's more important, than the just doing, for maximum effects.

It's all part of the healing process, but you will soon feel better. Try to do whatever you are doing and not reminiscing about the past. Change the subject with your cousin, see other people...

I felt better last week, and now have lost all the progress.

i felt better last week, and now have lost all the progress.

Don't worry, it's all in the normal process of healing, it takes time but you DO feel better after a while. I do hope you kept no contact during all that time. Have you been doing a lot of sport and hanging out also with friends? Friends are going to help you a lot during that time, and they will support you. Also try to see if you can join a group of sport or activity where there might be women, so as to give you an idea that there is something else out there. When my ex was stringing me along, flirting with other women helped me take the decision that I didn't want to be with her. I am still waiting 5 month before I am starting to date someone else though.

Don't worry, it's all in the normal process of healing, it takes time but you DO feel better after a while. I do hope you kept no contact during all that time. Have you been doing a lot of sport and hanging out also with friends? Friends are going to help you a lot during that time, and they will support you. Also try to see if you can join a group of sport or activity where there might be women, so as to give you an idea that there is something else out there. When my ex was stringing me along, flirting with other women helped me take the decision that I didn't want to be with her. I am still waiting 5 month before I am starting to date someone else though.

I have kept with no contact, and plan on that. I have been lifting and for the last two weekends have been going hiking/climbing for about 7-10 hours. Feels good except for the sun burn. I have been hanging out with friends and meeting some new people.

I really just want to go back to when I kept my emotions to myself, I'm tired of hearing advice from my friends who have never been in a long term relationship. But I also don't want them to see the hard parts in my life.

I'm considering moving. Not that the place bothers me, but moving closer to work, and away from her. Good or bad?

No bro,
That's a horrible idea. Moving out just to get away from her is the worst idea you can get. I mean you are not going to change job, country just not to be with her. Don't do anything harsh or sudden because you feel sad. You are 22 years old and you have your whole life ahead of you to figure out what you want to become. Once you get that into your head that life can be much more interesting.

We're about the same age and have about the same problems, except I'm 3 month ahead of you. I was starting to heal a bit after 3 weeks ( of course she contacted me on and off during 2 month ) and then I decided to go to Europe with some friends, and I just knew I didn't want to be with her. How long has it been on NC?

No bro,
that's a horrible idea. Moving out just to get away from her is the worst idea you can get. I mean you are not going to change job, country just not to be with her. Don't do anything harsh or sudden because you feel sad. You are 22 years old and you have your whole life ahead of you to figure out what you want to become. Once you get that into your head that life can be much more interesting.

We're about the same age and have about the same problems, except I'm 3 month ahead of you. I was starting to heal a bit after 3 weeks ( of course she contacted me on and off during 2 month ) and then I decided to go to Europe with some friends, and I just knew I didn't want to be with her. How long has it been on NC?

Well about moving, I just can't afford it without her, I'm starting to burn through money I set aside.

It has been no contact for 18 days. I haven't attempted to contact her, nor has she tried to contact me. Which is kind of driving me insane

well about moving, i just can't afford it without her, i'm starting to burn through money i set aside.

it has been no contact for 18 days. i haven't attempted to contact her, nor has she tried to contact me. which is kinda driving me insane

You mean you can't afford not to move or you can't afford to move? Don't worry about her not contacting you, if it makes you feel better she is probably suffering also or not and she will soon, except if she doesn't have a heart. In any case it's her loss and your gain right? You're a great guy and she lost something wonderful ( this is what you should put in your brain ) and then brush the thought aside.

My ex is just starting a 2 year long distance ( 1 ocean apart ) with a guy she just meet 2 month ago... talking about dysfunctional and she is hurt like crasy ( I know that because we have the same friends ). This is why we never know what may happen down the line, if you take care of yourself and get better, you'll feel like a new man, and in the end the breakup may be much more horrible to her than to you.

You mean you can't afford not to move or you can't afford to move? Don't worry about her not contacting you, if it makes you feel better she is probably suffering also or not and she will soon, except if she doesn't have a heart. In any case it's her loss and your gain right? You're a great guy and she lost something wonderful ( this is what you should put in your brain ) and then brush the thought aside.

My ex is just starting a 2 year long distance ( 1 ocean apart ) with a guy she just meet 2 month ago... talking about dysfunctional and she is hurt like crasy ( I know that because we have the same friends ). This is why we never know what may happen down the line, if you take care of yourself and get better, you'll feel like a new man, and in the end the breakup may be much more horrible to her than to you.

Maybe I am reading this wrong, but it is almost as if you wish this to be true.

When you move on, truly, you won't give a rats a$$ about your ex, one way or another, but holding anger... that isn't moving on, at all.

Maybe I am reading this wrong, but it is almost as if you wish this to be true.

When you move on, truly, you won't give a rats a$$ about your ex, one way or another, but holding anger...that isn't moving on, at all.

You're a bit right but I am just stating facts and trying to make a point so that he can move on. I just found it dysfunctional but it doesn't go farther than that. I'm pretty much happy with my life and I'm a happier person without her :D. I may have some small anger when I see her because of all she did to me, but it's more annoyance only when I see her ( when we are in a group of friends ).

You mean you can't afford not to move or you can't afford to move? Don't worry about her not contacting you, if it makes you feel better she is probably suffering also or not and she will soon, except if she doesn't have a heart. In any case it's her loss and your gain right? You're a great guy and she lost something wonderful ( this is what you should put in your brain ) and then brush the thought aside.

My ex is just starting a 2 year long distance ( 1 ocean apart ) with a guy she just meet 2 month ago... talking about dysfunctional and she is hurt like crasy ( I know that because we have the same friends ). This is why we never know what may happen down the line, if you take care of yourself and get better, you'll feel like a new man, and in the end the breakup may be much more horrible to her than to you.

I can't afford to stay at the place I'm at, cause I can't cover her part of the rent but for so long. I doubt she is suffering since she has gotten a new guy already

In that case move on! It's going to be perfect for you. As for her and from the experience and the stories I get, she hasn't healed properly and it will just hurt her down the line. But you shouldn't even think about that and you should concentrate on yourself. You are doing the proper healing and the result will show soon.

In that case move on! It's going to be perfect for you. As for her and from the experience and the stories I get, she hasn't healed properly and it will just hurt her down the line. But you shouldn't even think about that and you should concentrate on yourself. You are doing the proper healing and the result will show soon.

Why isn't it bothering her now?

Should you even think about that? It's plain and simple she just replaced you by someone else... that's why she's not bothered. You could have done the same thing but it's not part of healing...

Should you even think about that? It's plain and simple she just replaced you by someone else... that's why she's not bothered. You could have done the same thing but it's not part of healing...

Yeah but after such a long time, it would still hurt to replace a 4 year relationship.

My ex replaced me after a 3 years relationship, it seems it's not that hard for girls (don't want to sound sexist, but there is plenty of similar story to go around). She probably went for another guy because she couldn't bear the pain of being alone.

My ex replaced me after a 3 years relationship, it seems it's not that hard for girls (don't want to sound sexist, but there is plenty of similar story to go around). She probably went for another guy because she couldn't bear the pain of being alone.

Then everything is being done off emotions not logic. She seems to always act off emotion, so logic won't change anything down the road. I don't think I'm still acting off emotions, but I don't do anything more than ponder. Other wise I look at the facts in front of me.

Great! That's a great step toward getting better. Now get out there and go find an apartment or go do some sport, or concentrate on work! You'll get better much faster than you thought.

Great!! That's a great step toward getting better. Now get out there and go find an apartment or go do some sport, or concentrate on work! You'll get better much faster than you thought.

I got a feeling I'm going to be taking more steps backwards in time. Not saying I'm going to break no contact, but if she does I just don't want to talk, but the act of her trying to contact me will bother me.

That's just a feeling, it's not your brain that's working. What is your brain saying? Use it :D

The account has finally been closed. So now I don't have to take care of that. And all ties to each other have been cut.

Great! Keep up the good work!

It would be awesome if the butterfly effect could be achieved, just a thought

What butterfly effect?

If someone could go back in time, by just changing the smallest thing, you could change the course of the future. But it could be changed for better or worse.

I wouldn't go back in time, and once you get over this, neither will you. Sure it's easier to say it now, but think of the consequences. Had I chosen to go back in time and "fix" things, I wouldn't have met my fiancé, or grew closer to my friends, got in better shape or advanced my career.

In a few months, re read this thread, you will think of yourself as an arseclown, I know I sure did

I wouldn't go back in time, and once you get over this, neither will you. Sure it's easier to say it now, but think of the consequences. Had I chosen to go back in time and "fix" things, I wouldn't have met my fiance, or grew closer to my friends, got in better shape or advanced my career.

In a few months, re read this thread, you will think of yourself as an arseclown, I know I sure did

I don't really want to change the past, and I know it is impossible. It would just be cool, to see if I could change things for the better between her and I, then go back to normal. I could learn a lot from that

I wouldn't go back in time, and once you get over this, neither will you. Sure it's easier to say it now, but think of the consequences. Had I chosen to go back in time and "fix" things, I wouldn't have met my fiance, or grew closer to my friends, got in better shape or advanced my career.

In a few months, re read this thread, you will think of yourself as an arseclown, I know I sure did

100% right! Same here. If I went back in time and made some changes, I wouldn't have meet wonderful girls, lost weights, traveled everywhere and grow closer to my friends and family. My brother is telling me all the time that it is the best thing that even happened to me. You'll probably see why soon. The past is the past, try to concentrate on the future ;)

I still wouldn't mind the second chance to work things out. Which everyone is telling me she won't contact or come back ever.

You're doing great, don't dwell on those thoughts.

Today is a hard day, it's my birthday, and I have spent the last 4 years with her on this day. Her birthday is on the 7th, which we always did something special together. I really want her here with me! She just sent me a private message on Facebook, saying " just wanted to say happy birthday"

Why would she do that when she doesn't care? She has done enough damage, why is she putting gas on the fire?

I don't think it does, but does that count as breaking contact?

Should I do the same in 5 days when its her birthday?

NO! That's just an excuse to break NC

NO! That's just an excuse to break NC

Yeah I figured that, day 21 with no contact.
Not really sure how I should look at her contact me. Or why she even bothered

Don't break NC! It's the perfect time to be doing something exciting ALONE and with friends or family. For some reasons the dumper always wants to know what the dumpee is doing, aka they want to know if we suffer. Don't answer back!! Just do something yourself or with friends!

Don't break NC!! It's the perfect time to be doing something exciting ALONE and with friends or family. For some reasons the dumper always wants to know what the dumpee is doing, aka they want to know if we suffer. Don't answer back!!! Just do something yourself or with friends!

Well she isn't really trying to find out how I am doing, she just said happy birthday.
I never delete people off Facebook, I think it is childish, should I make an exception for her and her family/any of her friends? Like I never post anything about what I am doing, just basic stuff, like something that I see happen, that was interesting, or a cool fact, or what not

Don't mention her birthday.Don't say anything.

No txt/email/call/im/in person

Think of all the control she has had over you.

This is your one chance besides the NC to get some back.

The girl is worthless,does not care about you or how you feel,why notice her birthday?

You aren't important enough to her,that you would be replaced in... not even a few months...
So..

Just another day... move along.

well she isn't really trying to find out how i am doing, she just said happy birthday.
i never delete people off facebook, i think it is childish, should i make an exception for her and her family/any of her friends? like i never post anything about what i am doing, just basic stuff, like something that i see happen, that was interesting, or a cool fact, or what not

She does not deserve to even see what you are doing in your life,or feel the comfort of 'oh I can talk to him in Facebook any time... what I did couldn't have been that bad'
Stop giving her the comfort blanket
Pull it off.Be a man.

By the way

The effect not noticing her birthday may have?

She might contact you asking why you forgot.

Or if she's as stubborn as my ex she will say nothing,to get on your nerves even more,and again the mature response to that is,don't notice she 'didn't notice' you forgot her birthday.

And to keep this on the same page, on my birthday,my ex called me to wish me a happy one as well.I was aggitated at the time and asked 'why did you bother,it isn't as if I wanted to hear from you'
They replied with 'well I just remembered and.. so... do you still love me'

2 weeks later they're in love with someone else

So go figure.

She does not deserve to even see what you are doing in your life,or feel the comfort of 'oh I can talk to him in facebook any time...what I did couldn't have been that bad'
Stop giving her the comfort blanket
pull it off.Be a man.

Think I should delete her account and her friends and family, that have a connection to me, that I don't talk to anymore cause of this( they weren't my friends before her or someone I want to talk to)

I think deleting people is childish, that's why I have never done it to anyone

Couldn't have said it better. I would just delete her and block her. It may look childish but it is your way to feel better and not to have any temptation to go check her Facebook. Seriously, she is just trying to play with you and like 57373 said grow some balls.

I have to see my ex regularly because we have mutual friends and it is quite painful, but you have the chance of cutting everything loose and trust me if feels 10X better if you cut all ties.

Couldn't have said it better. I would just delete her and block her. It may look childish but it is your way to feel better and not to have any temptation to go check her facebook. Seriously, she is just trying to play with you and like 57373 said grow some balls.

I have to see my ex regularly because we have mutual friends and it is quite painful, but you have the chance of cutting everything loose and trust me if feels 10X better if you cut all ties.

I don't know how you can block someone on Facebook. But OK, I'll try that. And what if she tries to get back in contact with me afterwards, or send a add request.

At this point I still want her, but know it isn't for the best that she comes back so quick

i don't know how you can block someone on facebook. but ok, i'll try that. and what if she tries to get back in contact with me afterwards, or send a add request.

at this point i still want her, but know it isn't for the best that she comes back so quick

Hit the delete button. And don't worry about the what if's. If she sends a request hit the deny button.

If she tried to contact you,guess what? It means you have the power

I didn't realize that until recently but the best thing to do when she tries?

Not write back.

No "okay" no "thanks" no "sure but I got to go"

No "why did we break up"

No "i'm sorry about..."

NOTHING.

It is the exes way of testing to see if they have power over you,if you write back,they are essentially "guilt free" if you don't they are aware you no longer care,and they have no power.

Sounds absolutely ridiculous and stupid and childish... but that's what breakups with these types of people are,to begin with.

Hit the delete button. and don't worry about the what if's. If she sends a request hit the deny button.

I got to delete all her friends and family too? Is this really the way to have a future with her?

i gotta delete all her friends and family too? is this really the way to have a future with her?

FFS,there is no future with her.Do you want a wife who after 10 years or even 4 years and kids up and leaves one day for someone else,and you just wait until she's sure this is 'what she wants'

Is that honestly what you want for the rest of your life?

Do you see a life partner in that?

She's already done it as just a GIRLFRIEND which is hardly committed enough as a wife,and she can't even stay a girlfriend without getting bored.

i gotta delete all her friends and family too? is this really the way to have a future with her?

Now your just making excuses. You simply can't do it because you want to see what updates she has on her life. No contact means no contact if you don't want to delete her than don't. But if she contacts you don't respond. You can't keep letting her be in control, Take control of your own life.

My ex did the same thing told me 'we lacked direction' 'there's the stress of school' 'maybe in the future we have a chance'

That was all bs and lies,it was someone else.

If your girlfriend really loved you,she would problem-solve and fix the situation,no matter what,if she had to wait,she would wait.Love does not have deadlines.

I can almost 100% guarantee there is someone else,maybe just in the back of her mind or physically.

How many times have you heard someone say 'ill do anything to fix this,anything'

'it's not you... its me'

Why is that a coined phrase? Because of this situation.

Does anyone here believe that people grow up and change themselves. That people realize there mistakes and want to rectify them.