Very disgusted. All I think about is "he must be suffering inside" and he won't talk to me about it.

I make this assumption to hide my real anger with it. I have asked him to not do it. He still does. I told him why. He still does. I reminded him about sexual abuse as a teen by a person who assumed I was asleep. He still does. Now he never initiates while I am awake. I work full time have two sons and go to school. I have some nights where I get very little sleep but he still does it. As if I would really stay asleep. If I flinch he gets off off me then slowly resumes. It is so creepy and feel like a rape victim. Am I?

If I ever try to initiate while he is a sleep (which requires waking him up) he gets hostile and angry with me. I am trying so hard to understand him. I am so afraid this is a marker of worse sexual deviance. He has been accused by two separate female family members of rape and oral sex. Ugh my stomach turns. Am I wrong to want to leave him and not try to help him? I feel like if I say anything to him I would loose him I'm more than one way.

Any one have advice or knowledge?

There is OBVIOUSLY something wrong here. It might be something as simple as he's deathly afraid of rejection and can only have relations when he knows you won't object, but, frankly... that doesn't really matter, does it? Especially with those big red flags hitting you. The fact he doesn't even BEGIN to consider your feelings is a big no too. If you're ready to leave, I fully suggest it. Don't even consider getting back with him until he's agreed to, and keeps going to, counceling. If he doesn't, file for divorce.

Get out of there asap this man obviously has problems he is acting like this as if he is a rapist and the fact that two people have already said these things about him should have been your wake up call what are you doing still with him? He has dangerous sexual tendencies when you are asleep you are helpless does he like the fact that he is having unconsentual sex with you? This is sick and frightening please get the hell out of there before it turns nasty! File for a divorce don't even try to help him he is sick and needs to help himself! I hope you will be okay

You have been violated within your marriage.

Your husband is deliberately preying on you when you are asleep. He knows he is doing wrong because he stops when you start to stir. There’s also the possibility your husband has a fetish-like desire to have sex with an unconscious/sleeping woman.

What is clear is you don't do nothing this will continue. You must take some action. Your husband is sick and since your husband have been accuse of rape twice in the past that further shows how sick he is. Your husband prefer to take than to have consential sex, he is a taker and that is what rapist do. He has a sick fetish of sleeping with sleeping females.

He has no remorse and continue to do this after you express why you don't it. The other thing that really bothers me is that he never tries to have sex with you while your awake. Red Flags, Red Flags.

Leave, unless your willing to go through years of counseling. I wouldn't, I would leave.

Leave...Now! He is a rapist, and that's the Only way he can be satisfied...He has serious mental issues...
I am not sure if I want to know, but was he like this when you dated? or was there sex?
It's very disturbing.

The other posters are right, he has a serious problem here.
If it was just a fetish he would have asked first, and respected your opinion if you said no. He IS a rapist.

Also, these two incidents in the past, were they with your family members or his own? And did they occur before your marriage or during?

If I were you I would leave, no doubt about it he is clearly sick in the mind.
At the very least I would sleep with a strong locked door between you and him until this has been resolved.

Was this a forced marriage? Are you of indian decent? Was this marriage set up by someone other than you and your husband?

Mmm. What is happening to you is RAPE.

The fact that others have accused him of rape seems a huge red light to me. Women do NOT make up rape stories-just like you are not, as well-it would be HIGHLY DOUBTFUL for two separate women within his family to accuse him if it wasn't true-unless of course there was collusion-however, it is still one hell of an accusation to make if it was just "to sully his reputation" which as you probably have guessed by now I very much doubt!

He has been accused not once, but twice of rape-if that does not send a "BACK OFF" to him, then it is obvious he is a rapist-he is not listening to your feelings because rapists don't care about "feelings" or emotion, or "love" it is about power and taking it when they want.

Get out and get out NOW!

My golden rule is If something does not quite seem right, most of the time it isn't. Even my children are taught in school about "warning signs" or feelings that they are threatened. ACT ON YOUR SUSPICION and your KNOWLEDGE about this person.

Cheers.

This sounds seriously weird and you know it. If you feel uncomfortable, disgusted and afraid then listen to your intuition. This abuse (yes it is rape) does not happen in normal relationships.

What are you afraid of losing?

Someone that has been accused of rape and oral sex?
Someone that attempts to have sex with you when you are asleep/unable to respond/unwilling/tired?
Someone that keeps doing this even though you've asked him not to?

Speak to your doctor, family, a trusted friend. You must put some physical distance between you and this person. It's not normal and you neeed to protect yourself and your children.

Think about your safety and the safety of your children. If your gut is telling you to leave... GET OUT, either way GET OUT!! Its not normal and its scary. He has problems, and nothing you can do or say to him is going to help.

-GOD BLESS!!

Your husband has a strange problem. Maybe he is acred of REJECTION, or he is very shy about sex. Switch off the lights, and make the room very dark. That will help.

Although I halfway agree with some of the other people posting, I have to ask a question. Do you know if he is sleeping also when he does this or is he fully conscious? If he to is asleep while doing this he may have a condition called sexsomnia. It is a variant of sleepwalking/wet dreams. Luckily if this is the case it may be cured by therapy and behavior modification.

Hope this helps...

Your husband has a strange problem. Maybe he is acred of REJECTION, or he is very shy about sex. Switch off the lights, and make the room very dark. That will help.

I agree with you when you said her husband has a strange problem.

However, I strongly disagre when you tell her to turn out the lights for him to have sex with her. If I have to turn of the lights every time when have sex then we wouldn't be having sex.

The problem here is that he don't want to have sex when her when she is awake, only when she is asleep and that is alarming. I don't know any guy like this.

She needs to get out and he needs some counseling. He is lucky that he ain't in jail especially since he be accused of raping not one but two relatives. He is sick, I mean very sick.

The OP hasn't been back since her first post to update us or give us more information.

I don't know how many more informed answers there can be on this without more interaction from the OP.

sleep sex : MUST READ (http://sleepsex.org/)



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This just in: Some people are having sex while they're completely asleep.
It's true. It's a newly reported medical condition. And some people, as you might imagine, are rather upset about it. And as we'll see, it's not the only dire sleep issue facing a naked, exhausted nation.



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It seems sleepsex, as it's called, tends to affect love lives. Interrupts sleep patterns, ruffles the sheets, creates unexpected patches of moisture and leaves you wondering who'll do the laundry or if you'll still be respected in the morning and why you're sore in places you didn't expect to be sore in when you went to bed. You can see the problem.
Apparently, some people -- most often those who are awake -- say sleepsex is not always tender or loving or preceded by any sort of nice dinner or back rub or maybe some flowers. In fact, they say the sleeping person is often very demanding, even a little violent and aggressive in their pursuit of things squishy and moany and good and they will often not take no for an answer -- though it must be said that saying no to someone who is asleep and naked and sitting on top of you while violently demanding some sort of immediate penetration might be considered, you know, unwise.

Others, curiously, say the sleepsex is quite good. Even better than when both parties are actually awake. This is rather amusing. And startling. Unless it's not. Unless it makes some sort of perfect sense wherein you say, well of course, after all, my lover is normally uptight and inhibited and totally self-conscious about, say, getting naked and hanging upside down and getting flogged by a soft leather whip. But when she's out cold, she's a whirling whipariffic wildcat. What's not to like?

Sleepsex now has an official Web site, sleepsex.org. It has its own book. This is how you know it is a verifiable occurrence. This is how we know it exists. Truly, most things nowadays do not exist until they have an official Web site or a book written about them.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/gate/archive/2006/11/01/notes110106.DTL

Personally, I don't think it is sleep sex. If you read the OP's question it sounds like he knew what he was doing. Plus there are the rape allegations...

PPl with sleep sex condition are known to walk in their sleep from one room to another to make their advancement plus the person who suffers from this condition does appear to be awake but in fact they are asleep.

Sleep sex, not with him stopping as soon as she moves and then starts back if she holds still.

Personlly you never have sex in any way you don't feel good about, say no, don't let him, make him sleep in the other room if is a real issue.

RAPE!! This is TOTAL RAPE!

Do you have any female relatives who live with you?
Because he clearly has no problem with rape, nor with having sex with family members so they could be in danger.

Well, I'm not the experienced with life and all but here it goes...

I guess him having sex with you while your asleep can be compared to something he's into like a hobby (not exactly the best word I could use). Usually when people have hobbies or do something they like it because there is always something that happens when they do it that gives a familiar feeling inside that feels good, or satisfying, either way doesn't give any type of negative or uncomfortable feeling.
So if he hasn't done this all his life then either there was something he used to do (doesn't necessarily have to be sexual) that gave him same feeling or he used to do something that gave him that feeling but found it more present in what he does now. You can't really just go off and label him as a rapist because you don't now for sure if it's the fact that he's "attacking" you while your defenseless that he likes.

(Sorry it cut-off)

Either way if he has been doing this all his life or not hopefully you guys can go to counseling and find out why he does it and if that habit can be replaced with something that is healthier for the both of you. Because right now him doing that is going to slowly affect you whether you want it to or not. Not necessarily the sex part but the part where someone in your life is taking out their past experiences on you but either doesn't want you to understand, can't be open with you in a way where you can understand, or doesn't know enough about it to understand.

When you want sex pretend you are sleeping and don't *wake up* no matter how good it gets and see what he has to say about that.

You can't really just go off and label him as a rapist because you don't know for sure if it's the fact that he's "attacking" you while your defenseless that he likes.

Even if it isn't the fact that he's attacking a defenseless person that he enjoys, its still Rape.

That's like saying, if you kill someone, but don't enjoy it, its not murder.

This is not normal behaviour in any marriage.

He seems to be acting out some kind of personal fantasie.

I would not be sharing a bed with him right now, this is not normal, in fact quite the opposite.

You must have had normal sexual relations at some point in your marriage, you have two boys, or were they conceived in your sleep?

If this is the case how long has this been going on?

Just reading your post, your husbands behaviour toward you and also the accusations against him, fills me with worry for yourself and your sons...

You must in my opinion... GET OUT OF THIS SITUATION... NOW!!

Stop making excuses, you have two small sons, this situation, is full of all kinds of sexual abuse waiting to happen,

DON'T LET IT... TAKE CONTROL.

BEFORE YOUR HUSBAND DOES.

UGHAGAIN we need more info.

I understand that you are feeling violated, but if he stops when you move, I would make sure that I am moving every single time he wakes me up in this fashion.

Don't fulfill his sickness.

There is something beyond wrong with this man. And you say that two people have accused him of rape and oral sex. RUN!

Yes yes yes yes yes this is rape. My daughters father did this to me for many years before our daughter was born. DO NOT be like me and just put up with is. I didn't leave him. He finally left me when the baby was a month old because HE couldn't take it. Isn't that rich?

DO NOT wait around for him to change he will NOT. The fact that he is into this sends DANGEROUS messages to his children, as well as puts THEM in danger too!

Go to a counselor or something get some professional advice, if you don't trust us.

This sounds like he needs help, but until he is better, you would be wisest to leave to keep yourself safe.

May peace and kindness be with you.

You can try helping him, but if he gets worse it's better to leave him. It's creepy..