Hi All,

Before I start writing my long winded story, I'd like to take a moment and give thanks to everyone
On this forum. Although this is my first time posting, I've been a lurker for the past year or so,
So I still feel a part of the community. Although I don't always agree with all the advice given,
Everyone here is on this forum for the same reason. That brings a lot of comfort.

Quick background about myself: I'm a 32 yr old professional male, good job, paycheck, good attitude,
etc. I've had a couple major relationships and consider myself a pretty experienced dater, so I've
Been around the block once or twice. No matter how much I think I know, however, it never ceases to
Amaze me what I learn each time I circle around the block. ;-)

My story is pretty much the same as most others and I'm expecting the advice to be similar. But I
Think this will be very therapeutic. Things start back in 2003 when I met this woman through my
Social group at that time. We hit it off, dated for a while and it developed into a relationship.
I was 27 and she was 25 at the time, so we were pretty much on the same page. We spent 5 years
Together -- not all of them were happy -- but I was devoted and had a strong bond, so I could foresee
A future together. By early 2008 she seemed very receptive to the idea of marriage (so I thought.. chuckle).
She was in grad school for many of those 5 years, and as graduation approached, there was a distance that
Started to grow between us. In retrospect, we both should have communicated better. Live and
Learn, right? I guess things went further downhill, and by the time I asked her to marry me, she
Declined. Not only did she decline, she berated me: pinpointing all my flaws, explaining how I
Ruined the relationship, saying she was never attracted to me, wasn't into me, etc. I voiced my
Concerns as well, as she dismissed all of them as me being unreasonable and paranoid. I was floored.

I would have taken a bullet for this woman and she completely slammed me. I tried to be an adult
And try to talk about the issues at hand, but it was too late. She'd made up her mind and there
Was no changing it. I found this forum and decided to go NC for a while to see what happened.
I figured going NC would let me test the waters and make her true feelings known, while allowing
Me to try and move on with my life. It was haaarrrrrdd. Harder than the day my mother died.
As many can relate -- I wanted to die. She made her attitude known, as she never reached out to
Me except about 6 months later, asking a stupid computer question (which I ignored, BTW.. )


While decompressing post breakup, I tried like hell to do an analysis and figure out where things
Went wrong, how to improve, etc.. i.e.. what's the take away? I learned a lot about what went wrong
And about myself. Two months post-breakup, I met a stunning, interesting woman at an office happy
Hour. I knew it was maybe a little too early, but we hit it off and decided to go out on a date..
Which led to two... and to three, and so on. We had a discussion very early on -- she wasn't at
The point in her life for a relationship. Having just come out of a long term myself and being
A good candidate for a rebound, I told her that I was okay with that. So we continued dating...

And we dated more and more. It got relationshipy, did couply things, acting like a couple. Sex
Was awesome, conversation good - she made me feel good about myself. She was completely different
From my ex, and it made me realize what qualities I'm really drawn to in a woman. We communicated
Extremely well - maybe too well at times. We had numerous discussions about how she had concerns
On how relationshipy things had become. She'd back off for a few days, and things would go back
To how they were. All the while, though, I knew in my heart I wanted her to commit, but I knew
She wouldn't. She told me face to face she couldn't. I tried to back off and kind of fool myself
Into thinking I could maintain a somewhat casual relationship with her.

It was obvious to me she WAS NOT ready for a committed relationship, but I ignored the signs. She
Did not want meeting of the families, although I got to meet a couple of her friends. She'd go on
Various trips and vacations with mixed company & friends, not inviting me along. Everybody is entitled
To their own life and I didn't intrude, but it didn't feel right after being "together" for 6 months.
Once or twice she'd invited me on a trip weeks ahead of time, only to uninvite me at the last moment,
For fears of it being "too relationshipy". I never quite knew where I stood throughout much of the
Time - one week she'd mention about possibly meeting her parents, and I'd think "wow - I'm making
progress"... only to have her come back another week later and say "I changed my mind..." Her
Attitude would flip-flop week-in and week-out.


It was more of a FWB-but-just-a-little-more type relationship grey area. This went on for 7 months,
Up until a week ago. It's strange - the week prior we'd had phone talks at least an hour every night..
Smooth, back and forth conversation that was effortless - like talking to your best friend. We had a romantic
Dinner which she commented was so awesome, etc.. etc. She commented how happy she was and how I made
Her laugh. The next day I got "the call." I knew this would come someday. She basically told me
That I was awesome, funny, witty and was a catch -- but she just didn't feel it for me, and didn't want
Things to progress any further. Very strange -- she said she loved my attention and how much fun she
Had with me, but didn't want the relationship commitment that goes along with it.

I accepted it like a man, and was as cordial as one could be in this situation. We sat and talked
For a while, and I basically told her I agreed. I'm looking for someone who can give a bit more,
And if she doesn't feel it, then we deserve to let it go and pursue what makes us happy. I guess
These situations are always a little difficult, as it's obvious I cared for her more than she cared
For me. She told me she'd like me to remain a part of her life on a friends basic, but she admitted
That she realizes that's probably not really possible right now. In the end, I thought of her more as
A girlfriend/partner, and to her I think I was more of a "guy I'm dating." I putting a lot of the
Blame on me, for allowing myself to get into this situation in the first place. I thought I could
Date her and keep it casual -- but in the end -- I started to like the girl and got in over my head
I guess.


I'm writing this not really looking for advice, although feedback is definitely welcomed. I guess
I partially settled -- I went along with the "something is better than nothing" saying. I knew from
The very start that this woman and I (she's 6 years younger than me) were not quite on the same page.
The bonehead part of me thought she might change and learn to love me, but it wasn't meant to be.
There's a lot of details I'm leaving out about the "relationship", as they're not really important in
The grand scheme of things. Right now, though, I'm left battling my own worries now -- will I ever
Find another hot blonde like that again? Will I ever find another sexually charged relationship?
Will I ever be able to connect on a conversational level like that again? Why do I F-Up every
Relationship that comes my way? Why did I settle for someone who obviously made it known from the
Very beginning that she couldn't give me what I wanted? I know this is just self-pity talking and I
Realize that, but it doesn't decrease the... the disappointment.

We parted ways amicably and it was the nicest breakup I've ever had (she even admitted that too.. )
Nevertheless, I've gone completely NC, which is difficult considering I care a lot about her and we texted like 30-40 times a day
Until the break-up and talked at least an hour each night. I'd been looking forward to possibly spending
The holidays with her, so my disappointment is only further compounded.

Moving forward, I need to learn to be honest with myself and make it clear what I'm looking for, so I can try
And avoid heartbreaking situations like this in the future. I'm strong and I'll survive and will
Find the person who WANTS to believe in me, trust me and be WITH me. In the meantime, I'll keep on trucking and learn to love myself again.


Thanks for listening. I hope everyone has a happy holiday!

You seem to have an excellent handle on the situation overall. Just a few quick thoughts.

I think your previous girlfriend's treatment of the proposal was beyond disgraceful. I can't imagine any circumstances within a relationship where that reaction was necessary, if this was the nly time you proposed.

Look at this last relationship as a learning experience. You've determined what you really want from someone on a personality level and can now look forward. I'm sure there are plenty of women that will fit that mold, and this time I imagine you'll be able to bounce back better than usual.

It is absolutely true that you got in over your head. If there is one thing I have come to hold as undeniable truth, it's that people tell you and show you who they are. People don't change unless they choose to do so, and you ought not to ever bet on them doing so.

Don't blame yourself for what happened here - you did nothing wrong. This is 100% her, she essentially needs to grow up. That or she may have had a VERY nasty experience in the past and needs to move beyond it. You know better than us. While you may have compounded things in some way with your previous ex, the way she behaved at the proposal screams to me that she has PLENTY of her own issues as well for which you were not at fault.

My "sense" is that you aren't very far away from another great relationship. You seem to have things much better sorted out than many of the people on here.

I think you have handled yourself wonderfully and there is someone out there for you.. You sound like a real nice guy. It's not you, so don't beat yourself up on this one. It's her loss.. maybe this is what she needs to not hear from you, maybe it will be a wake-up call. Go out and meet new people.. If she never contacts you, it was never meant to be.. Good luck.

I agree with wolf and sully.. if she's not capable of returning your devotion or willing to commit then it's best to let this chick fly. I'm not saying she's a bad person necessarily, but on a different wavelength. FWIW in my experience attractive women tend to seek attention because they can and unless you're also hot and/or rich and powerful then your chances of catching and holding them are pretty slim. Hope for the best.

avoid heartbreaking situations like this in the future.
No guts, no glory.

Thanks all. While I like to think I have things sorted out in my head, it doesn't make it any easier. She sent me an email this morning, stating how hard it is not talking to me, how she misses our texting and conversation, and is having a hard time not knowing how I am doing. It seemed like she even tried to make me feel a little bad for her, with her stating that nobody texts her phone anymore. I did help her with many things during the months - including helping her find a new job, helping with career, etc.. - and she thanked me for helping steer her life back on track. She wrote some nice sentiments on me being a good catch, I have a lot to offer, etc, and that she'll think of me over the holidays. She also left things open ended, saying if I ever needed to talk to someone, she'd be there.. (Personal chuckle on the inside with that one)

It all sounds nice, but I don't think the email really means anything in the long run, other than maybe her own curiosity. It also seemed like she was throwing me into the friends-zone, which is what I definitely don't want. I've still maintained NC, but it's difficult not responding, especially with the holiday. I'm very glad I was able to help her out and that she acknowledged it, but it's tough to feel sorry for her -- SHE CHOSE THIS! IT WAS HER CHOICE!

So now I've got to do what's best for me. It seems to me that NC is still the best way to go. If I respond, she'll continue healing while thinking we're "friends.." Meanwhile, my wounds continue to re-open and fester.

Thanks everyone!

You seem to have the situation well in hand, stay with Nc for a while, and make plans for the holiday with family and friends.

In my earlier post I forgot to say that attractive women sometimes aren't able to recognize what they really need -- I think it's like spoiled rich kids that get everything they want. You come along and give them something of value, something real, but they don't even know it, because they have so many toys they can't appreciate it. It's good you haven't lost sight of yourself. Keep circulating.

Your on the right track Mag, and don't look back, as hard as it sounds. Be strong and maintain NC.. it could work out maybe someday, if not its her loss. Don't second guess yourself. She knows how to contact you if she wants more from that eventually. It seems like eternity when we are pain and all the hurt we are going through.. We have all been there.. But in the long run this will make her stop and think.. then maybe she will realize what she lost.:)