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Kate51283
Jan 31, 2008, 05:03 PM
I moved in with my boyfriend about 7 months ago. He owns the house we live in and I agreed to help out with the bills when I moved in. He originally wanted me to pay for half of every bill but I just cannot afford this. I make 30,000 a year and he makes 95,000! I am currently paying over 1/3 of what the bills are but I also have students loans/car payment/insurance/credit cards etc. By the time I am done paying bills for the month and buying some groceries I have about $50 left to my name. I tell him I just cannot afford to keep paying him this much and he always has his hand out for money. He also hates going out because he does not want to pay for anything but when he does pay for something for me, he likes to constantly remind me that he paid for that time we went out. Also, for Christmas he will only spend as much on me as what I can afford to buy for him. He claims he never has any money but whenever he wants something he buys it and is currently looking at buy a $55,000 car while I am struggling to get by. Am I greedy or is he really just cheap?

EuRa
Jan 31, 2008, 05:14 PM
There's two sides to every story. Obviously it sounds like he's cheap from your point of view. He might have a different version of the same story. It's too hard to tell.

In his defense, he's not obligated to spend any specific amount on you for Christmas, or anything else for that matter. He doesn't have to pay for a damn thing other than the essentials, and as long as you both hold up your ends of the bargain, he's technically not doing anything wrong. After all, you guys aren't married, so he technically doesn't owe you anything. Also, if you are complaining about sharing all these bills and rent, think about what it would be like to live ALONE. It's much more expensive that way.

HOWEVER, if he is reminding you about what he's paid for (and I mean constantly), and makes a big deal about money all the time, and isn't willing to work with you to solve any arguments or problems, then at least you know all this stuff and you can still get out without too many problems, and before it gets worse.

Fr_Chuck
Jan 31, 2008, 05:29 PM
The two of you if you are going to live together and share bills, need to work out a budget, if you are paying bills together, you both also need to agree on large purchases like a car and so on.

If you can not work out a budget now, it will only get worst latter.

twinkiedooter
Jan 31, 2008, 05:48 PM
Hey, this guy has it made in the shade if you ask me. He's convinced you to move in with him and pay some of his bills for him as well. Wowee! If you continue to keep funding his lifestyle he's going to buy an even MORE expensive car with all the money he's saved having you as his live in bill payer and bedmate to boot.

Move out of the cheap skate's house as soon as you can as he's only going to get WORSE and will happily take more of your money.

Usually, usually, when a guy asks you to move in with him, HE pays the bills not asks someone to split them with him. What were you thinking? Is he that good in bed, that handsome, etc. that you have to PAY for the privilege of living with him?

Get your own place or get a female roommate who will not nickel and dime you to death.

I can almost guarantee that Mr. Cheap Skate has had quite a string of former live in girlfriends before and when one smartens up and moves out he just replaces her with another live in sucker. I've seen these financial predators before and they are out there in droves. So be on your guard for the next guy who asks you to live with him.

You have been taken, big time, honey, and it's time to wake up and smell the money leaving your wallet with those cute little wings.

TrueFaith
Jan 31, 2008, 05:53 PM
He sounds like a smart man.

It does not matter if he makes 90.000 a year or 1.6 million a year. He doesn't really have to help you out with anything.
He isn't cheap just careful you have only been with him 7months

If this is a problem get out because he isn't going to change.

Alty
Jan 31, 2008, 06:07 PM
Is there a mortgage on the house? If so then I think it's only fair that your name should be added, that way if you break up you'll be able to get back what you put in, otherwise you are just paying half of his mortgage which enables him to spend his money on other stuff while you help pay off his house. I also believe that the amount of money each of you make should determine how much you pay, it's not fair that he can spend his money on anything he wants and you never have any money left over. Are you boyfriend and girlfriend or just roommates? If you are planning on being together for a lifetime than you are both working towards a common goal, if not then what's the point?

LivingtheLifeinFLA
Jan 31, 2008, 07:32 PM
My friend just went through this. How much credit card debt do you have? She had $62,000 and he was trying to teach her a lesson.

However, in the long run if it was me personally, I would continue to pay the expenses because it really doesn't cost more when your partner lives with you. Then if you do have credit card debt, you need to pay x dollars towards it until its paid off.

If no debt, then it goes in a joint fund for emergencies.

My take, he's cheap and you will get tired of this real soon. A spender and a saver are like oil and water.

talaniman
Jan 31, 2008, 07:44 PM
If you can't pull your own weight, then your in the wrong place.

nadia999
Jan 31, 2008, 08:29 PM
OMG, leave his , this so unfair, he is making triple your salary and asking you to pay half the bills?
You are common law couple, he should even give you money, he is a very cheap man, just like Twinkiedooter said better live with a female roommate.
He is using you financially and physically, keep away form cheap ones, their the worst, how even can you sleep with someone has no regards and consideration for what you're going through financially

ISneezeFunny
Jan 31, 2008, 08:38 PM
wait wait wait... I don't see how this is "unfair"

she lives there, she should pay half... no matter how much he makes. So if he makes less than her, she should pay more? Why? If anything, it should be 50-50, no matter what. If he offers to pay a little more, then that's generous of him, but she shouldn't say BUT HE MAKES MORE... and expect him to "excuse" her. If they were married, it's a different story, but in a relationship, why not?

This has happened to me before. I made 3 times what my girlfriend made and my girlfriend wanted me to pay the rent while she paid the utilities.. . it doesn't make sense now... but I was young and in love. I went with it. I also ended paying for groceries, whenever we went out, etc. It just wasn't a fair relationship.

nadia999 claims that he should give her money. WHY? So if she made more money than he did, should she give HIM money? No way.

He is cheap/immature for mentioning that he always ends up paying for you. As far as Christmas gifts... he really doesn't have to spend a certain value. Just because he makes money doesn't mean he should spend it. However, if he specifically told you, "I'm spending as much on you as you spend on me" then it's just immature.

It's not a matter of being cheap. It's a matter of you wanting him to spend more money on you and him being immature. Perhaps he loves money a little too much.

If you can't afford the rent, then move out... find a roommate in a smaller place. As far as you wanting him to spend more money on you, I'd tone that down. No guy ever wants to hear his girl complain about how little money he spends on her. It's his money. He earned it. If he wants to blow all his salary on a new Hummer without spending a dime on you, it shouldn't matter.

EuRa
Jan 31, 2008, 08:47 PM
Bah, I can't give you more rep Sneeze, but if I could I would. That's an excellent post.

There is no way in hell this guy forced her to move in with him. She moved in on her own free will. I'm sure a discussion about payment was made BEFORE she moved in, otherwise it would be a stupid move on her part. And now that time has passed, her feelings have changed about what she should pay. Well that's tough titties. You're a grown up, you're the one who moved in, so you're the one responsible for half of everything. You're not married, just like Sneeze (and I already stated), so there's nothing wrong with the current living situation.

The ONLY thing that you can accuse him of is being a jerk if he's rubbing it in your face, or trying to make you feel worthless with words only. He's gone through life, paid his dues, and now he's reeping in the benefits from a good job. Why should he get dumped on if he wants to buy a new car? THEY AREN'T MARRIED PEOPLE! He can do whatever he wants to do with his life and his earnings.

If they were married, this would be a totally different issue. If she moved in before she made an agreement with him about payment, then that's her own stupid fault. I doubt that happened, because she doesn't sound stupid. She agreed to pay half from the very beginning, so why should that change? She's currently a room mate with relationship benefits and nothing more. Room mates pay half. Get over it!


-- PS - I will soon my moving in with my girlfriend, and going to college full time, so I won't have a job. She makes well over 40K a year, so should she pay 100% of everything because I'm not earning one cent? NO! Im selling my Corvette, my bike, my atv, and anything else I can find to make up for HALF the rent and utilities. It's the only fair way.

talaniman
Jan 31, 2008, 08:48 PM
Its not cheap to expect people, to pay their fair share.

cgregory67
Jan 31, 2008, 09:18 PM
If your paying 1/3 at 30k with $50 left over is he paying 2/3 at 90k with $150 left over? Seems to me that FR_CHUCK gave the best advice.

LivingtheLifeinFLA
Jan 31, 2008, 10:16 PM
I like the posts by the women that say he should pay more.

Here's another example, I stay in every Friday and Saturday and study. My roommate parties nonstop. I get a 4.0 average, the roommate gets a 2.0 average.

Therefore, its only fair for me to give my roommate 1.0 of my average so that we both get a 3.0 average. YEAH RIGHT!

nadia999
Jan 31, 2008, 10:56 PM
Hat's the difference between married couple and common law married couple, it is all about feelings, right? And what you mean if they were married it is a different story, he is not going to be a different person because there is a little nuptial paper.
Yes if she makes more should be the same, it all about fair sharing, and they are not roommate they are sleeping together, they are in love so I think he is being callous.
And if she feels he is cheap then he is cheap, because people are different what seems cheap to one woman might seem fair to another woman. She's got to go with what she thinks fair and if it is not to her, then it is not and he is not your type.

ISneezeFunny
Feb 1, 2008, 12:52 AM
hat's the difference between married couple and common law married couple, it is all about feelings, right? and what you mean if they were married it is a different story, he is not going to be a different person because there is a little nuptial paper.

Following your logic, I should ask, why don't people just have kids when they're dating? I mean, it's not like they'll be a different couple when they get married, right? It's just a nuptial paper...

no... when you're married, you're usually joining bank accounts and thinking of raising children together as you two are now one functioning unit.


and they are not roommate they are sleeping together, they are in love so I think he is being callous.

So... tell me, if you had a boyfriend, and he made less than you, you'd give up your paycheck so that you two will earn the same amount?

Say... for my optimism sake, I will be a surgeon. A specialized surgeon in the U.S. makes roughly $200k. Let's say the girl I date (and live with) makes $40k a year working at macy's. Should I pay the entire rent, car payment, buy her a car, groceries, etc? Why? Of course, if I made that much more, I'd offer to pay a bit more... but why should I give up more of my money... for a girl I'm simply "dating"? Yes, living together IS a commitment, but it's not a commitment like a joint mortgage is a commitment.


And if she feels he is cheap then he is cheap, because people are different what seems cheap to one woman might seem fair to another woman. She's gotta go with what she thinks fair and if it is not to her, then it is not and he is not your type.

If she feels he's cheap then he's cheap?. what? If someone thinks I'm a serial killer then I'm a serial killer?. my ex once thought I was cheating on her... so I was? no...

I agree with your last statement. If she thinks he's being cheap, then yes... he may not be right for her... however, she came onto this forum to ask if she's being reasonable.

My answer: no, you're not being reasonable. He IS being a bit immature and rude by shoving it in your face, but for you to expect/want him to pay more... is being unreasonable.

nadia999
Feb 1, 2008, 01:13 AM
Well, there are living together for 7 months, this is more than 6 months that means by law they are in common law marriage.
Well, good luck finding a woman marrying you with that attitude, you make more than double her salary and you want her to share the same? God you are so cheap man, and I say the same the other way around
When a woman moves in with a man they are a couple, you don't just move in with some one you're dating, this is a marriage, if she should share the way you think, I think she should just consider that she is his roommate with benefits.

Kia
Feb 1, 2008, 01:46 AM
I think that if he eally loves her, they should come to an agreement about how much money she should pay so that she is not left dead broke: $50!. cmon. That is her MAN; not a roommate. The rules can be bent a little. Maybe an agreement could be met, maybe he could help he get a higher paying job. He should not stress her. I say he's being cheap!

And lets be realistic; 9 times out of 10 if the situation were switched most women would probably take over more of the bills if she loved her man and allowed him to move in knowing his financial situation ( and he made that much more than him. Women are nurturers so that how it usually ends up.

Kia
Feb 1, 2008, 01:48 AM
I meant if SHE made that much more than him

TrueFaith
Feb 1, 2008, 04:15 AM
Naidia I think you just got schooled.

It sounds to me like the rest of these people have a better understanding of a relationship than you do

Common law marriage after 6 months? Where do you live?

I tell you you're a scary person :)

Bottom Line She moved in with him. If she can't pay her way get out. Or move in with a SAP that pays everything for her

Simple as that

talaniman
Feb 1, 2008, 06:50 AM
Seven years, is the common law standard in most states. And there are no rules for living together, and if you can't afford to live in a place, you talk about it, and get someplace you can afford. This guy is upfront, and honest, about what he expects, so she needs to get with the program, or get gone. Or get married.

EuRa
Feb 1, 2008, 08:21 AM
I like how the people who think he should pay more only thing that way because he makes more money. Mostly women I believe. Do you seriously listen to yourself speak?

She had an agreement before she moved in. She changed her mind several months after. How is it his fault that she changed her mind!


Sneeze is right

my answer: no, you're not being reasonable. He IS being a bit immature and rude by shoving it in your face, but for you to expect/want him to pay more... is being unreasonable.

If she had a disagreement about payment, then this should have been discussed seven months ago. Doing it now is a little too late. If you don't like it, move out.

TrueFaith
Feb 1, 2008, 09:33 AM
That just made me laugh so much what she said
About the 7 months means your kind of married

There are some scary people out there :P

Damn!

Alty
Feb 1, 2008, 10:08 AM
that just made me laugh so much what she said
about the 7 months means your kinda married

there are some scary people out there :P

Damn!


True Faith: Obviously it doesn't take much to amuse you. I think the difference of opinions here is largely based on sex (male versus female). For the first few years of my marriage I had a higher paying job, worked longer hours and still came home at night to make dinner, clean the house etc.etc. I also paid the majority of the bills with my paycheck. Now you men out there will say that this scenario is different because I was married, well I would have done the same if we were just living together because I love him and want to help him any way I can, that's what a relationship should be about. This guy obviously doesn't give a darn if he leaves her with only $50 spending money every month while he's going out buying new cars etc. You are right about one thing though, she should leave his cheap !#* asap, she deserves better.

EuRa
Feb 1, 2008, 10:14 AM
True Faith: Obviously it doesn't take much to amuse you. I think the difference of opinions here is largely based on sex (male versus female). For the first few years of my marriage I had a higher paying job, worked longer hours and still came home at night to make dinner, clean the house etc.etc. I also paid the majority of the bills with my paycheck. Now you men out there will say that this scenario is different because I was married, well I would have done the same if we were just living together because I love him and want to help him any way I can, that's what a relationship should be about. This guy obviously doesn't give a darn if he leaves her with only $50 spending money every month while he's going out buying new cars etc.
In your situation, those would be your terms of the agreement. Each agreement is different.

In the original argument, her terms were 50/50. She can't change it now, espcially 7 months later. Once an agreement is reached, that's it. If she really didn't like the terms of the agreement, then she should have made that an issue in the very beginning, or not moved in at all. Her fault entirely.

He's not obligated in any little way to pay more. You can't pretend to be in his shoes because you have no idea how he feels. We have to go by what we KNOW to be true.

The only thing we all on this forum know for sure, is that she originally agreed to pay for 50% of everything. That was the deal, and she accepted it. It's her responsibility to pay 50%. It shouldn't be any harder than that.

Alty
Feb 1, 2008, 10:22 AM
EuRa- Actually, you're wrong, my original agreement was 50/50, then my husband got laid off and had to find a new job where he was making 35% less than before. Circumstances change and people should be allowed to make new arrangements when that happens. Like so many other people on this site I have to reiterate, she is his girlfriend, not his roommate, if he loves her than why is he doing this to her? Also, if she is paying half then half the house should belong to her, otherwise she is just paying his mortgage so that he can own his own house. It's the same as her buying a new car under her name for which he has to pay half even though he has absolutely no ownership of that vehicle. Sweet deal for him, not so much for her, and that's the major issue for me.

ISneezeFunny
Feb 1, 2008, 10:28 AM
I agree that women are all saying HE SHOULD PAY MORE!. why?

Why would the guy pay more? I don't understand this society of how everything should be equal, but hey, when it becomes "unfair," usually to the minority race/gender/social class, let's cut some slack.

Let me bring up my original example. As a surgeon, I make roughly $200k a year. It took me 4 years of college, 4 years of med school, a year of internship, 4 years of residency, and 2 years of fellowship to get there. I've racked up $200k in loans alone.

... why would I give out ANY sort of money to ANYONE? It's not a "rule" that I should. As I said before, if my girlfriend made significantly less, I'd offer to help out... that's not an issue. However, if she "expects" me to pay more or starts complaining that I don't pay more... f. that.

I'd like to ask the females here that say that the guy should pay more... and be honest with me:

How many of you actually have a boyfriend?
Does your boyfriend pay for a lot of things?

EuRa
Feb 1, 2008, 10:32 AM
EuRa- Actually, you're wrong, my original agreement was 50/50, then my husband got laid off and had to find a new job where he was making 35% less than before. Circumstances change and people should be allowed to make new arrangements when that happens.
Then I'm still not wrong. You had an agreement, then you both agreed to alter the agreement. You both had to agree to change it. That's how it works. 2 parties, working together, coming to a conclusion, then sticking by it.

In the original problem, she wants to change the agreement, he doesn't want to and doesn't have to. So no change. I still don't see how that's wrong. She chose to move in. That was her decision. Her decision was half of everything. SHE MADE THAT DECISION! It was agreed upon. That's that.

She wants to change it, but he doesn't. So nothing changes. He's not forcing her to live with him. That's her choice. She can move out any time she wants to. But if she took him to court, and demanded him to pay more money, the judge would tell her she's stupid. Legally, he doesn't have to pay a penny more. This is a legal matter. If they got married, things would change.

Women are letting their emotions control their decision making... sheesh.

Sand Daddy
Feb 1, 2008, 10:32 AM
First and foremost is this...

You made an agreement to pay half. If you didn't do the math first, that’s your loss but the agreement needs amending before you two destroy what you built.

Equal doesn't always have to mean the same amount of money.

In any house hold with multiple incomes, bill paying should be equal with regards to percentages of earned income. What this means is you both should be paying an equal percentage of the bills based on your unequal incomes.

In the end, your man will be spending more money on the bills, but the percentage of the two incomes spent on the bills will be equal and reasonable.

Just remember, it should be based on equal percentages of each income and not on equal dollars brought to the table. To do otherwise would be mathematically impossible in the long run and will certainly create additional acrimony!

EuRa
Feb 1, 2008, 10:33 AM
...why would I give out ANY sort of money to ANYONE? It's not a "rule" that I should. As I said before, if my girlfriend made significantly less, I'd offer to help out...that's not an issue. However, if she "expects" me to pay more or starts complaining that I don't pay more...f. that.
KUDOS KUDOS KUDOS KUDOS KUDOS!!

The man. Right here. ^^

EuRa
Feb 1, 2008, 10:40 AM
In any house hold with multiple incomes, bill paying should be equal with regards to percentages of earned income. What this means is you both should be paying an equal percentage of the bills based on your unequal incomes.

In the end, your man will be spending more money on the bills, but the percentage of the two incomes spent on the bills will be equal and reasonable.

Just remember, it should be based on equal percentages of each income and not on equal dollars brought to the table. To do otherwise would be mathematically impossible in the long run and will certainly create additional acrimony!
I strongly disagree, and so does any town or state law.

For example, let's assume I make 100K a year, but I own a very little house on a tiny piece of property. Let's also assume I live next to another man, call him "Peter", who makes 50K a year, but has a house 4 times the size as mine, on a size of land 4 times the property.

The town charges taxes to everyone, that isn't based on what you earn, it's based on what you own and use.

She uses half the house, half the electric, half of all the utilities. She is responsible for half of the payments.

I'm not sure why this is so hard to understand. I hate this "you make more so you pay more" theory. What if she made a million dollars a year, and he made 9 million dollars a year. She he pay 90% simply because he makes 90% of the household income, despite the fact that she'd be able to pay her half of the rent without problem?

This has nothing to do with the fact that he earns money. It has everything to do with the fact that she's having a hard time affording her half of everything. The easy way out is through him, which is unfair on his part. I feel bad for this guy.

Alty
Feb 1, 2008, 10:45 AM
EuRa - Yikes, hold on a minute, I'm not saying he should pay more because he's a man, I'm saying he should pay more because he makes more, if she made more than she should pay more. I think that the amount you pay should be based on how much you make, It should be an equal percentage from each paycheck so that the person making less doesn't end up living in poverty while the higher paycheck parties it up. You are also missing my biggest point, is she listed as part owner of this house, or is it in his name only? If she isn't listed than why should she pay half of something she will never own, that's simply not fair. And if he doesn't want to put her down as part owner then she shouldn't be expected to pay half of his mortgage. To me that is the major issue.

To answer your other question, I have been married for almost 13 years, my husband and I have been together for 18 years, we have two children and a small mortgage left on our house. When my first child was born 9 years ago we decided that I would stay at home and raise him. In the last 9 years I've had a few part time jobs but each time too much childcare responsibility falls on his shoulders he asks me to once again stay at home with the kids. I am a college graduate, a commercial auto underwriter by trade. Right now my husband pays for everything because I do not have an income, however, I do have a job. I've done everything from janitorial work to working in a large office for a very high power company, and being a stay at home mom is hands down the most difficult job I've ever had. Oh, and by the way for the first few years of our marriage I paid the majority of the bills and took care of our home as well. Should he be allowed to keep all his money because he is the one earning it? Am I entitled to anything in your eyes? If not then I am truly grateful he doesn't share you point of view.

ISneezeFunny
Feb 1, 2008, 10:54 AM
Altenweg: I don't disagree with the agreement you and your husband had. In fact, I endorse it. I will never experience it, but I do agree with being a mother/wife that takes care of the house/kids is a tough job. In fact, salary.com calculated that a stay-at-home mom would make roughly $140k a year if they factored all the jobs she did around the house.

When a couple is married, and one person decides to stay home to tend to the housework, the children, etc. then I wholeheartedly agree that the breadwinner should take care of the family financially.

This specific case right now, is talking about a relationship. A dating relationship that hasn't even reached an anniversary. Let's say that she doesn't own the house... so what? Paying rent isn't about ownership, it's about utilizing whatever it is. You're telling me it's not fair that he gets to own it... well, in that case, I say it IS fair because he came up with the down payment for the house AND is paying for home insurance + mortgage and is liable for whatever happens to the house in the future. Will she pay for the termite protection? Will she pay for the new paint job? I... really doubt that. It's his house... he could have charged her 75% of the mortgage... all she had to do was say YES or NO.

I think a line is being blurred here in that people are saying that because they "love" one another, it should be equal. I completely disagree. If I followed that logic, I'd be so broke by now by the number of girls I've dated that I wouldn't have enough to pay my tuition.

Following this "love" logic, then why don't they just put their savings account + checking account together? I mean... that's equal right? There's a reason people keep separate checking accounts until they actually GET married.

TrueFaith
Feb 1, 2008, 10:56 AM
Pay more because he makes more?

Equal percentage from each pay check? So if I'm on 200k a year and my girlfriend OK girlfriend. Who is working at hooters or something like that is on 24k dollars a year
I swear that is the most messt up thing I have ever heard

You guys are married nad have kids it's a totally different thing? Can't you see that


If she can't pay the price don't be in the relationship simple as that.
The guy owes her nothing.

talaniman
Feb 1, 2008, 10:58 AM
To be clear, there are no set rules for common law marriages, and only a few states even recognise them, so lets put it where it belongs, between the two partners. If she agrees to half, then its half. That simple, and she can leave whenever she feels like it. The moral of the story, is be careful with the deal you negotiate.

Common Law Marriage FAQ (http://www.nolo.com/article.cfm/pg/2/objectId/709FAEE4-ABEA-4E17-BA34836388313A3C/catId/697DBAFE-20FF-467A-9E9395985EE7E825/118/304/192/FAQ/)

EuRa
Feb 1, 2008, 11:10 AM
I'm saying he should pay more because he makes more, if she made more than she should pay more. I think that the amount you pay should be based on how much you make
I know. I've known your position this whole time. I never said you said or I said it was because he was a man. Not once. I know your position. I disagree. If they were married, then I'd agree with you.



You are also missing my biggest point, is she listed as part owner of this house, or is it in his name only? If she isn't listed than why should she pay half of something she will never own, that's simply not fair. And if he doesn't want to put her down as part owner then she shouldn't be expected to pay half of his mortgage. To me that is the major issue.
If this is your biggest point, then stop writing. She never said she was paying towards a mortgage. She never even said she was paying rent. She is paying only 1/3 of all the bills (despite her 1/2 agreement), her insurance, her car payments, and her college bills. No mortgage. No rent. You are pulling things out of thin air.


As for the rest of your quote, all that is your life. It does not pertain to this issue. What you do and who you make agreements with is all your issues. It has no bearing on this subject.

Alty
Feb 1, 2008, 11:11 AM
ISneezeFunny- Okay, maybe I am basing my opinion a bit too much on relationships I have witnessed. I have a friend who has been with her common-law spouse for 8 years now, they don't plan on getting married because he says "It's just a piece of paper, we don't need it". She is 26 years old (allot younger than me) and he is 32 years old, they have two children 5 and under, she makes 1/3 the income he does and also works the night shift full time (6pm until 4am). She pays for half the mortgage, all the groceries, all the children's things (clothes, schooling, diapers etc.etc.) They split the bills 50/50. He has his own car which he pays for and so does she. She is solely responsible for the kids (getting them to school, doctor, dentist, cooking, cleaning etc.) They recently remodeled their home and she paid for all the renos. He is solely responsible for the yearly property tax which amounts to $1800.00/year. Last year she found out that the property tax had not been paid for two years and they were threatening to go to court. She advised him that he was behind and he said that he couldn't afford to pay (he recently bought two snowmobiles, another car, a plasma TV etc. all of which he consider solely his property) therefore she paid the property tax with her tax refund so that they could avoid going to court, he has no intention of paying her back. I could go on and on but this post is already to long. In my opinion he is a dead beat This relationship is what I'm basing my opinion on. Once a cheapskate always a cheapskate. I will however admit that my opinion is largely based on what I see happening in the future for this couple and not so much for the present and that is where I partially agree with you, they have only been together for a short time, but I don't think things will change the longer they are together, and that's what worries me. Hope this makes sense.

EuRa
Feb 1, 2008, 11:12 AM
To be clear, there are no set rules for commom law marriages, and only a few states even recognise them, so lets put it where it belongs, between the two partners. If she agrees to half, then its half. That simple, and she can leave whenever she feels like it. The moral of the story, is be careful with the deal you negotiate.

Common Law Marriage FAQ (http://www.nolo.com/article.cfm/pg/2/objectId/709FAEE4-ABEA-4E17-BA34836388313A3C/catId/697DBAFE-20FF-467A-9E9395985EE7E825/118/304/192/FAQ/)
AGREED

wewed100606
Feb 1, 2008, 11:21 AM
Holy horse s**t! This board is crazy!! Absolutely the most amusing posts I have read on here in my short time.

My Two Cents

Has anyone, including the poster, thought that maybe this guy is trying to make a point and feel the girl out? I know that if I had my life on track, owned my own home, was making close to 6 figures and I had a girl I was serious enough about wanting to move in, I would feel her out.

You all have points that need to be taken into consideration. Yes, they are dating, no, they are not married, yes they are roomates that happen to have wild kinky nookie after a steamy Grey's Anatomy episode.

Let's look at this from this guys perspective once. He obvioulsy likes this girl a lot, he is possibly even in love. He has worked hard to get where he is and is probably thinking about settling down. Otherwise I promise he wouldn't be letting the girl move in. NOTICE THE VERBAGE! LETTING HER MOVE IN! IT IS HIS HOUSE!

The man might have marriage on his mind. He obviously isn't a dumb person. He probably knows from everything out there in the world that $$$ is the number one cause of things going south. He is trying to see if she intends on being a team player. I do not need to remind any of you how many woman, and no not all, get lazy and complacent when they get married. The man is protecting his . He doesn't want to pop the question just for her to say she isn't happy with her job then quit and take two years to find something else while he works his a** off paying the debt off that she brought into the marriage.

The man is being smart. He is testing her character and her work ethic. He doesn't want to be a crutch for her. He wants her to excel in life. He wants her to prove to him that she has her priorities straight and isn't going to be a free loader.

Her situation hasn't changed since the agreement was made. She needs to realize that her debt is there because of her and if she cannot pay it off, it is her bag of worms. If she had signed a lease could she renegotiate?

This is just ridiculous... what they earn shouldn't even be a factor... period. What if she didn't know his salary? Maybe he really makes $200K HA! Then your really gettin' taken for a ride?

Hey, for all you ladies with the twisted logic, next time your go out to eat with your girlfriends make sure you ask the one who has the highest salary to pick-up a higher % of the tab! HAHAHAHA!

P.S. Just so we are clear, if they were married I believe everything goes family mode. His is hers, hers is his, all is theirs. I don't believe in not being equals on everything in a marriage. Nothing should be held over anyone's head no matter what the differential.

N0help4u
Feb 1, 2008, 11:34 AM
Many guys like throwing in your face what they did for you even when you may have done way more for them. I know girls that their boyfriend lives with them and they support their boyfriend.
Then if they do one thing for the girl like paint the living room they want to hold it over them for a year or more.
If 'n when you know you are ready and able tell him you can't afford to live with him anymore and you are moving out --but be prepared to move if he says 'see ya'.
He sounds like he may just want somebody to pay his bills so he has his play money.

wewed100606
Feb 1, 2008, 11:35 AM
Oh, I will say that if the guy is rubbing in her face what he spent on things or what he bought her... that is pretty bunk. That is one of those times you take whatever he is that he is so proud of and light it on fire and say "next time keep the price tag to yourself".

He does sound like kind of a douche bag in that sense, but once again, consider the source!

I love you Kate... but you got to lose the poor me attitude... not attractive to anyone and it makes you look like a money grubbing hoochie mamma.

With the logic you and the other ladies on this board are using it sounds like a bunch of Communists. There is no ENTITLEMENT in life. The simple fact of life is you need to work for what you get. If you want more spending money, get another job, ask for a raise, refinance your debt, be pro-active... don't sit and b**ch about it and hope it gets better.

If there is one thing in this world I have no sympathy for it is people who complain about things that they have no willingness or motivation to change.

Alty
Feb 1, 2008, 11:36 AM
Everyone, I am basing my opinion on my experiences and also based on were I live. I don't live in the United States, I live in Canada. You are in a Common-law-marriage after you have lived together for a year (in Canada) the only difference between common-law and an actual marriage is the marriage certificate. If, after a year of living together in Canada you decide to split up, assets must be divided as if you were getting a divorce. My male cousin found this out the hard way and is now paying dearly. Yes, I am getting emotional about this issue. You are all men, I realize that you cannot begin to understand how a women thinks or feels (please, no snide remarks)

EuRa- Maybe I should take your advice and stop writing, you are correct, she never said she was paying towards a mortgage, but I cannot find anything that says she isn't, I just assumed that half the bills included the mortgage as she did state it is his house, even though she did say owns, that doesn't always mean paid for. I consider our mortgage as one of the bills, so I thought that her bills included a mortgage. Maybe she should be more specific about what she's actually paying for. Not that this info would change how you feel.

I think that we all have to agree to disagree, because even thought EuRa accused me of basing my response on my own life, I think we are all doing that to a large degree, that is were our opinions come from, our life experiences. I can't fault you your opinions, please show me the same courtesy.

wewed100606
Feb 1, 2008, 11:39 AM
EuRa - that comment from you is a little scary coming from someone in Vermont ;-) Keep it in your pants my man! I gots me a pretty lady!

ISneezeFunny
Feb 1, 2008, 11:40 AM
If, after a year of living together in Canada you decide to split up, assets must be divided as if you were getting a divorce. My male cousin found this out the hard way and is now paying dearly.

Can someone double check this? I'm not doubting you Altenweg... but if the above is true, then my life would have been screwed at least 3 times over by now.

After a YEAR? Holy moly...

wewed100606
Feb 1, 2008, 11:41 AM
Altenweg... I love you trying to dig out of this hole you have created, but even with Canada's One Year Common Law argument she still falls 5 months short by my count... that is unless Canada has a shortened calender also? LMFAO

Alty
Feb 1, 2008, 11:43 AM
wewed100606- I never said that they were common Law, or that they should be treated as such, just letting you know were I'm coming from.

As for digging myself out of a hole, why don't you jump in before I put the dirt back?

TrueFaith
Feb 1, 2008, 11:45 AM
Look at Atenweg getting all upset

What would your kids think of mommy acting like this?

Tut tut.

I feel sorry for your family :D

wewed100606
Feb 1, 2008, 11:49 AM
Then why are we talking about common law? Why is it even a topic of discussion on this board? Not even close in any of the United States and doesn't qualify in Canada? Why am I even reading the words Common Law fifty times on this post? People need to stick with the facts... man do things get out of control when we let ladies run amuck with their emotions! HAHA! J/K Ladies! Damn have a little fun!

As for the hole... sounds kind of tempting... but with your Canuck Brain Trust you would have a tough time figuring out what to do with the earth my body displaced... and I can't stand to see any more smoke rolling out your ears ;-)

Take care my Canadian Comrade... god bless you for giving us Wayne Gretzky and good beer!

wewed100606
Feb 1, 2008, 12:00 PM
Kate,
Sorry, in this whole mess I think most of us forgot to answer your question. My take is this. No, he is not cheap. No, you are not greedy. You guys need to decide whether eachothers finances are any of eachothers business at this point. Maybe they shouldn't be. It sounds like you are young enough that you are still trying to get your feet on the ground. Just worry about you. And the advice to move oout if you can't afford it, good advice. Then the decision will be up to him whether your company is worth him dropping a couple hundred more bucks a month to make it work. One thing is for certain though, before you guys go to the next level, which would be engagement/marriage. You both need to know everything about eachothers finances. From the sounds of it I wouldn't be surprised if your BF has 10 times the debt you do... he just makes enough to ride the minimums and live the high life. It is the American way... debt laden and cash poor. Hey, you only live once, but know what you are getting into before you pull the trigger. If you ask me you both are making an issue out of a non-issue. If you are bickering about who spent more on Christmas presents it probably isn't a very solid relationship. He must be hung like Mr. Ed and you must be nothing short of Jessica Biel for this thing to have gotten this far!

Alty
Feb 1, 2008, 12:06 PM
True Faith- your opinion doesn't mean anything to me, I only listen to people I respect. I think you already know how little I respect you, largely because of the post about your girlfriend and how she's not pretty enough for a hot stud like you. That's in the past, which is were I'm leaving you.

wewed100606- You probably think that all the smoke coming out of my ears is going through the smoke hole at the top of my Igloo. I'll take your comment with a grain of salt, which is how I hope you intended it. Oh, by the way I've lived in Canada since I was 4 years old but I am still a German citizen, so in theory, I gave you even better beer than you thought, and some pretty great soccer players too.

EuRa
Feb 1, 2008, 12:09 PM
I can't give you more rep, but that's another great post wewed. The one above this one. Excellent stuff!

PS - :P

wewed100606
Feb 1, 2008, 12:11 PM
Thanks! You are right about the beer, but soccer is for ninnies! And come on... we all know there is no broadband internet service in an igloo! :-) Take care Altenweg... I am happy for you and your marriage and how well it seems to have worked for you! You just got to take us men with about ten grains of salt... we like gettin' you girls all worked up... it is good entertainment... especially on here when you can't five fingers to the face us or initiate a game of one sided South Park rochambeau :-)

TrueFaith
Feb 1, 2008, 12:13 PM
It works so easy as well ;)

Rochambeau for the god damn win!

Alty
Feb 1, 2008, 12:40 PM
Wewed100606- Not a big fan of soccer myself, just stating fact. Love the comment about internet service in my igloo. It's -30 degrees celsius right now and has been for the last week, right now this is the only entertainment I have, and gosh darn it has been entertaining. As for the ten grains of salt, only if I can pour it on a wound (just joking). I think we're all a bit more outspoken when we don't have to face the people we're arguing with. Having said that, I do believe we all have a right to the opinions we've posted, sorry if I was a bit snarky, you guys always seem to be able to raise my ire. Good luck to all of you.

wewed100606
Feb 1, 2008, 12:44 PM
Yeah, one more thing before you squeek away, KEEP THAT F'ING COLD AIR UP THERE!! I am in MN and you are sending god damned 50 degree below windchills up my tailpipe... knock it off!

Alty
Feb 1, 2008, 12:47 PM
Oh if only I could control the weather, do think I'd be waisting my time talking to you guys?;) Not only that, then I'd have the power to make you all agree with me. Nope, no power here. Toodles.

nadia999
Feb 1, 2008, 01:44 PM
I live in Canada, and these are the rules in Canada (common law marriage after 6months of living together) to protect women from men who wants to take their precious fertile years in vain. I know this guy who was living with his girlfriend for 2 years and I guess there was some sort of abuse, when the police was called she took the apartment form him and he was told to by the police that "she gave you her time that means something! and she had no place to stay", he was so mad but he shouldn't have let her move in with him to take her time and money and now he is paying for it. Women carry babies in their tummies for 9 long months and they go through a lot more than men, a man can have babies at any time in his life if he was single but if an older single woman wants a baby she has to spent a fortune to make that happen so women's time is way precious than men's.
I am sure if this woman had a baby and while she can't work to deliver the baby he is going to ask for her share and when she is not able he is going to split, what are her rights there?
This man won't be someone else after marriage he is the same guy, in a relationship you act upon your feelings , so if he doesn't feel her stress now what makes him feel it later, you don't want the other person to be stressed out while you're enjoying your money, Gosh is she having sex with this man or even kiss him?
No wonder why the divorce rate is so high

ISneezeFunny
Feb 1, 2008, 01:55 PM
women's time is way precious than men's.

Say what the who to the hey now?

... you MUST be shrooming.

A woman's time is more precious than a man's time..

First of all, how old are you? Second of all, who taught you this crap?

Why is someone's time more precious than those of others? How did that come into play? Not only that, how does that even relate to this topic?

... because a woman's time is more precious than a man's... she should be able to pay less rent.. what?

Sand Daddy
Feb 1, 2008, 02:33 PM
I strongly disagree, and so does any town or state law.

For example, let's assume I make 100K a year, but I own a very little house on a tiny piece of property. Let's also assume I live next to another man, call him "Peter", who makes 50K a year, but has a house 4 times the size as mine, on a size of land 4 times the property.

The town charges taxes to everyone, that isn't based on what you earn, it's based on what you own and use.

She uses half the house, half the electric, half of all the utilities. She is responsible for half of the payments.

I'm not sure why this is so hard to understand. I hate this "you make more so you pay more" theory. What if she made a million dollars a year, and he made 9 million dollars a year. She he pay 90% simply because he makes 90% of the household income, despite the fact that she'd be able to pay her half of the rent without problem?

This has nothing to do with the fact that he earns money. It has everything to do with the fact that she's having a hard time affording her half of everything. The easy way out is through him, which is unfair on his part. I feel bad for this guy.


Nicely said and would be appropriate if they were just roommates. (out of context)


It seems to me that everyone is missing the most important issue here. This is a relationship, not a business and certainly not a roommate vs roommate situation.

The fact still remains that the girl is primarily at fault for entering into an agreement short of doing the math first! (Extremely irresponsible)

The fact also remains that contracts and agreements can and will always remain subject to change.

The fact also remains that these two need to amend the agreement or terminate it!

The fact also remains that spinning the issue into a sexist issue is absurd!

The fact also remains that it is short sided at best to expect your significant other to pull equal financial weight $$$ with such a significant difference in earnings, regardless of who the bread winner is!

My advice still stands and is based solely on the premise of providing a viable solution, base your financial responsibility on a percentage of earnings vs $ for $... or terminate the arrangement.

twinkiedooter
Feb 1, 2008, 02:52 PM
I asked some real men about this situation and they all agreed with me about him taking advantage of her financially. They are mature men, both married and unmarried, who are of the "old school" who believe in treating women with respect. They all agreed it was a con game pure and simple. She may have been naïve and did not have this game pulled on her before and was thinking with her heart instead of her head. My one male friend called it a con game played by sadistic sh*ts. It's done all over. He's seen it a lot where he lives (in a foreign country).

nadia999
Feb 1, 2008, 03:19 PM
Of course it is more precious in terms of the limited time to having babies and the time they take to have them and the pain they go through, I guess I said that on my post you just chose to ignore it. You are right Twinkiedooter, real men would not say what was said by the men in this post.

Alty
Feb 1, 2008, 03:30 PM
Nadia999: I found this on wikipedia:

"In Canada, the legal definition and regulation of common law marriage fall under provincial jurisdiction. A couple must meet the requirements of their province's Marriage Act for their common-law marriage to be legally recognized.

According to the Canada Revenue Agency, as of 2007, a common-law relationship is true if: a) the couple have been living in a conjugal relationship for at least 12 continuous months;

b) the couple are parents of a child by birth or adoption; or

c) one of the couple has custody and control of the child (or had custody and control immediately before the child turned 19 years of age) and the child is wholly dependent on that person for support."

There's more if you want to check it out, just Google "Commom-law laws Canada"

nadia999
Feb 1, 2008, 03:55 PM
You said it , it is 2007, this 12 months in new, I was in one so I know what I am talking about

EuRa
Feb 1, 2008, 04:08 PM
I asked some real men about this situation and they all agreed with me about him taking advantage of her financially. They are mature men, both married and unmarried, who are of the "old school" who believe in treating women with respect. They all agreed it was a con game pure and simple. She may have been naive and did not have this game pulled on her before and was thinking with her heart instead of her head. My one male friend called it a con game played by sadistic sh*ts. It's done all over. He's seen it a lot where he lives (in a foreign country).
Con game?

She chose to move in.

She made an agreement early on.

She went from paying half of everything, to one-third.

Where is the con game?

TrueFaith
Feb 1, 2008, 04:11 PM
So you come on here saying well my friends say this so it must be true

That makes me laugh on many leves :)
Thank you

You talk to people this in the real world about some aggro you get on a messageboard?

Wow

Sand Daddy
Feb 1, 2008, 04:13 PM
I asked some real men about this situation and they all agreed with me about him taking advantage of her financially. They are mature men, both married and unmarried, who are of the "old school" who believe in treating women with respect. They all agreed it was a con game pure and simple. She may have been naive and did not have this game pulled on her before and was thinking with her heart instead of her head. My one male friend called it a con game played by sadistic sh*ts. It's done all over. He's seen it a lot where he lives (in a foreign country).


Short of jumping into the whole men vs women topic, I agree with you.

If this guy is dead set on holding her feet to the fire, then he is less interested in the long term relationship and more interested in having a roommate with benefits.

With that said and granting the man the benefit of the doubt, men and women in a relationship, arguing over money, is all too common.

50 50 only works if the incomes are comparable, in this case they are not. Most people live on a budget and most allocate 40% percent of their earned income to rent/mortgage and utilities, 8% to food. When multiple incomes exist, the percentages applied to these expenses should remain equal. When this is done properly, one will always pay more than the other but this is a relationship, it still benefits the whole. This is the basic formula, any additional expenses should be worked out separately, there are too many shades of gray for this forum.

If the total money allocated by both parties on the percentage basis fails to cover the mutual living expense, well then they are probably living beyond their means. In this case, a change needs to be made. This is just responsible money management people.


If you are one of these people that makes substantially more $$ than your significant other but adheres to the belief that both have to own up equal $$$ in the relationship, then I would suggest you avoid the girls at Hooters earning 24k, or at the very least don't move in with them.

Greg Quinn
Feb 1, 2008, 04:21 PM
Overall, the question is " Is my BF cheap?" Yes your BF is cheap... And you lucky girl, he's selfish! I would ask him why its like this if he is in it for the long haul.

talaniman
Feb 1, 2008, 04:44 PM
I don't think he is in it for the long run, and is hedging his bets, in case she decides to split. For sure she didn't think of anything, when she made this agreement, so she has nothing coming, then does she? She does have the choice to leave though, and should.

Sand Daddy
Feb 1, 2008, 04:50 PM
Con game?

She chose to move in.

She made an agreement early on.

She went from paying half of everything, to one-third.

Where is the con game?

1) Con Game isn't the best word choice here... But ponder this for a second. Do you really think this guy was oblivious to her previous financial obligations or her salary? I don't think so. He definitely entered into the agreement fully aware that she would struggle to meet the terms!

2) Nobody has suggested he forced her.?

3) Yes, it has been made express idly clear that she was extremely irresponsible in making the agreement short of doing the math. Is there a point here?

4) What she is attempting to do is amend the half a** agreement she entered into without doing the math (her fault). When arrangements don't work, people make attempts to change them! What she is attempting to do is make an agreement that is more reasonable based on her earned income. It may be a day late and a dollar short, but if this guy is in it for the right reasons, then it’s doable!

5) The suggestion of a con is in the fact that it appears to some that her heart is in it... and his might not be!

Are you reading the posts or are you just being argumentative for ego sake?

Alty
Feb 1, 2008, 05:15 PM
Sand Daddy- I could just hug you. You said everything I tried to say but apparently couldn't convey.

N0help4u
Feb 1, 2008, 05:15 PM
Why is most everybody overlooking that she says she buys the groceries and he always has his hand out meaning he wants even more than the agreement and the grocery money MORE than the agreement.
Even if they have an agreement she says she is paying over the agreement and he all he cares about is that he has money. If he cared enough about her he would be willing to look out for her needs and wants too. He wants a $55,000. Car but if she needed a new car would he help her out? He sounds like he is only in a business arrangement mind set.
In a relationship they should follow the agreement and then each pitch in what they can and work together on a fair budget.

CFZD
Feb 1, 2008, 05:48 PM
He is selfish!

friend4u178
Feb 1, 2008, 06:30 PM
I moved in with my boyfriend about 7 months ago. He owns the house we live in and I agreed to help out with the bills when I moved in. He originally wanted me to pay for half of every bill but I just cannot afford this. I make 30,000 a year and he makes 95,000! I am currently paying over 1/3 of what the bills are but I also have students loans/car payment/insurance/credit cards etc. By the time I am done paying bills for the month and buying some groceries i have about $50 left to my name. I tell him I just cannot afford to keep paying him this much and he always has his hand out for money. He also hates going out bc he does not want to pay for anything but when he does pay for something for me, he likes to constantly remind me that he paid for that time we went out. Also, for Christmas he will only spend as much on me as what i can afford to buy for him. He claims he never has any money but whenever he wants something he buys it and is currently looking at buy a $55,000 car while I am struggling to get by. Am I greedy or is he really just cheap?

Kate
Firstly I am assuming you two were obviously at a serious stage in your relationship if you have decided to move in together. And the fact that you can't afford to live in this manner suggests you obviously made an error of judgement as far as finances goes. Therefore you have a decision to make. You either go back to your previous situation which I am again assuming was better as you haven't really told us this part of it , or you stay and accept this situation.

I don't really want to get into the debate about percentages etc. and paying bills but my take on it would be if you are in a relationsghip and you live together you would work with each other to make it work financially for both of you. Though I don't think your boyfriend has a financial obligation to you , he does have an obligation , as do you , to make the relationship a happy one.

Is he cheap , well in my opinion YES. The fact that he is always reminding you about things he's paid for , and he doesn't want to go out because it costs money gives me that impression , and the Xmas present stuff , wow what's that all about. He obviously cherishes his money and that's not a strange or bad thing , it's a matter of whether you are willing to put up with it because I doubt he will change.

twinkiedooter
Feb 1, 2008, 07:09 PM
I've been sitting here for the last half hour trying to find a different "choice of words" other than con game to describe his treatment of her.
Scam game
My money is my money and your money is my money too game
More play money for me game
After I've spent my money, I'll happily spend your money game
Romance scam
I don't know - con game seems to be the best fit here and makes more sense in the long run.
She was just naïve and was taken for a ride. Ok, how about ride game? Like that better? Happy now? She was taken for a ride. Period.

wewed100606
Feb 1, 2008, 07:15 PM
I moved in with my boyfriend about 7 months ago. He owns the house we live in and I agreed to help out with the bills when I moved in. He originally wanted me to pay for half of every bill but I just cannot afford this. I make 30,000 a year and he makes 95,000! I am currently paying over 1/3 of what the bills are but I also have students loans/car payment/insurance/credit cards etc. By the time I am done paying bills for the month and buying some groceries i have about $50 left to my name. I tell him I just cannot afford to keep paying him this much and he always has his hand out for money. He also hates going out bc he does not want to pay for anything but when he does pay for something for me, he likes to constantly remind me that he paid for that time we went out. Also, for Christmas he will only spend as much on me as what i can afford to buy for him. He claims he never has any money but whenever he wants something he buys it and is currently looking at buy a $55,000 car while I am struggling to get by. Am I greedy or is he really just cheap?

Wow... I took a little break to earn some money for my wife to spend (haha... just kidding everyone... and definitely just kidding Andrea if you happen to read this ;-) ) and the world is in a sexist uproar. I guess what it really comes down to people is interpretation. We are all tying to base this whole analysis of a shotty at best description for the situation with mucho gray area. This girl hasn't even been back to answer any questions. If everyone reads the question over again I think it is pretty clearly a digressed situation from the mans standpoint. No, it isn't because I am a guy, trust me, most guys disgust me in their treatment of women, but I don't think this is the case here.

From the way I read this the story goes something like this:

They got involved. He was happy she was happy all is well. They moved in together agreeing to split expenses to make life more affordable for BOTH of them. She is late with money. He understands. She is late with money some more. He picks up the slack. He is beginning to see that she still has money for $5 Starbucks, this begins to piss him off. She sees that he can buy what he wants when he wants. She thinks she should be able to do the same. She starts to run up credit cards buying her MAC cosmetics. THe minimum payments get higher. Student loan deferments end. Here comes another $250 a month she din't plan for. Still drinking $5 lattes. He begins to see she is irresponsible. She thinks he is being greedy. He is trying to teach her responsibility. She can't understand how he expects her to buy MAC cosmetics and Starbucks everyday on $50 a month. He thinks he will teach her. She spends her $50 she has left at happy hour with her work buddies on Friday. Saturday she wants to go out. No money left so got to make sure Jerk Boy is along to pick up the tab. He see she is using him. He says you know what I don't feel like going out. SHe thinks he is an and he just wants to prove the point that she is being irresponsible with her money and he isn't going to reward that. He cares about her and wants to stay with her, but he can't marry someone who can't budget and balance a checkbook. He is trying to force her to budget. No where does it say he ASKS FOR MONEY FOR GROCERIES. It says he always has his hand out for money (ie. For the bills she agree to pay). He claims to never have any money because he knows if he says he does she will milk it out of him. I am pretty sure from that standpoint a guys doesn't walk around saying "I have no money"... more tha likely he says he doesn't have money the three times a day she asks for money from him.

Long and short. I am willing to bet there is about a 6 - 10 year age gap in this couple. THe girl just finished with college and is just learning what the real world is like. She latched onto this guy because she thinks she loves him, but really she is just looking for that father figure to take over the care of her every want in need just like pops did for her 4 years of college. He was butt over tea kettle for her, but now he is smart enough to realize this girl has lots of growing up to do. Girl doesn't want to grow up. She doesn't understand that life in the real world starting isn't ever going to involve $500 of disposable income every month. All of a sudden she goes from mommy's care packages, daddy's monthly $200, her excess financial aid for living expenses of $3000 a semester (trust me it happens I have kids coing in and using it as down payments on cars all the time) daddy and mommy paying for the car and insurance and no student loan payments. To all of a sudden car, ins, no financial aid, pay back financial aid, no allowance from daddy and ABSOLUTELY NO CHANGE IN LIFESTYLE. It is a plague of our youth. It is the plague of my generation, guy or girl. THis is why there are so many bankruptcies. SO much credit card debt. So many ZERO DOWN car sales, ZERO DOWN mortgages etc. She was poorly prepared for the harsh reality of the real world. Unfortunately for all of us, she happens to be in a relationship. Automatically it is the guys fault because he has the money to help her out. NO! He is doing the right thing, the thing hr parents neglected to do. He is holding her accountable and yeah it will make him look like a jerk. Whenever someone takes a stand they get made out to be a jerk or b**ch. Well, he is a good guy trying to gether on her feet. GOOD FOR HIM!

Everyone on here is so quick to cry for the APPARENT VICTIM without reading into anything. Look at her language and the way she phrases things. She is trying to spin them without lying, because then she would feel bad. She came on here looking for someone t tell her it was OK to be a mooch... MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Sometimes loving relatioships have tough love too... to teach people lessons. The sad part about all of this is it shouldn't be about sex, but it is. You all know damn well out there that if the sexes were reversed in this situation they would be calling him a mooch who needs to get off his duff. If you say different you are lying to yourselves.

People need to not respond on emotion and outword appearances. If these questions were so outwordly simple these people would not be on here asking them. We are no smarter than they are. All you women should be ashamed for making this out to be some battle of the sexes. And for the lady who TALKED TO MANY MATURE MEN and SAY THIS IS A CON and RUNS RAMPID WHERE YOUR FRIEND IS FROM (not this country)... get a clue... that is why in your friends country they still ride mules to the maket and use outhouses and oil lanterns. GROW UP!

Sure some guy on here had some fun, but no less than the woman. Get off your high horse.

CLASSIC FEMALE MENTALITY IN A RELATIONSHIP:

"Whats mine is mine and whats yours is ours"

End of Story

wewed100606
Feb 1, 2008, 07:16 PM
P.S. Sorry for all my bad typing... it isn't my typing skills, my laptop keyboard tend to ignore certain keystrokes. I am not as 4th grade as it may appear! :-)


Love you all!

bizygurl
Feb 1, 2008, 07:19 PM
WOW this is a hot debate. Well with all the who should be paying more, less, Who is cheap and who is taken advantaged of or taking advantage, It boils down to compromize. I personally think that he isn't being cheap and really she and he have only been living together for 7months.. if she had said 7 years id say that it's a long term relationship and maybe he should really think about helping her out, its serious at that point. I think if he is willing too, they should sit down as a couple and really discuss a budget (like Fr. Chuck mentioned) and come to some sort of compromize if HE is willing to do that. Her feelings do seem valid in the sense that it is hurting her relationship, and if this is something that is really troubling her she needs to sit down and talk to him about it. It doesn't sound like that not ounce did she talk about it with him. And if he is rubbing his money in her face that needs to be brought up to. If he feels he's justified in doing THAT, if he's doing that, then she needs to get rid of him. At the point money is the only thing he cares about, not her. No one deserves that treatment

The fact that they haven't been together for long period doesn't give her the right to "expect" him to pay for more of the bills. The best thing she can do is talk it over with him maybe they can reach an agreement. But yeah if she considers him "cheap" then maybe she needs to move on, he probably isn't the guy for her. If not then she's needs to respect the decision that was made before she moved in.

I know lots of people gave similar advice... just wanted to reiterate the point:)

Sand Daddy
Feb 1, 2008, 07:25 PM
Wow...I took a little break to earn some money for my wife to spend (haha...just kidding everyone...and definitely just kidding Andrea if you happen to read this ;-) ) and the world is in a sexist uproar. I guess what it really comes down to people is interpretation. We are all tying to base this whole analysis of a shotty at best description fo the situation with mucho gray area. This girl hasn't even been back to answer any questions. If everyone reads the question over again I think it is pretty clearly a digressed situation from the mans standpoint. No, it isn't because I am a guy, trust me, most guys disgust me in their treatment of women, but I don't think this is the case here.

From the way I read this the story goes something like this:

They got involved. He was happy she was happy all is well. They moved in together agreeing to split expenses to make life more affordable for BOTH of them. She is late with money. He understands. She is late with money some more. He picks up the slack. He is beginning to see that she still has money for $5 Starbucks, this begins to piss him off. She sees that he can buy what he wants when he wants. She thinks she should be able to do the same. She starts to run up credit cards buying her MAC cosmetics. THe minimum payments get higher. Student loan deferments end. Here comes another $250 a month she din't plan for. Still drinking $5 lattes. He begins to see she is irresponsible. She thinks he is being greedy. He is trying to teach her responsibility. She can't understand how he expects her to buy MAC cosmetics and Starbucks everyday on $50 a month. He thinks he will teach her. She spends her $50 she has left at happy hour with her work buddies on Friday. Saturday she wants to go out. No money left so gotta make sure Jerk Boy is along to pick up the tab. He see she is using him. He says you know what I don't feel like going out. SHe thinks he is an and he just wants to prove the point that she is being irresponsible with her money and he isn't going to reward that. He cares about her and wants to stay with her, but he can't marry someone who can't budget and balance a checkbook. He is trying to force her to budget. No where does it say he ASKS FOR MONEY FOR GROCERIES. It says he always has his hand out for money (ie. for the bills she agree to pay). He claims to never have any money because he knows if he says he does she will milk it out of him. I am pretty sure from that standpoint a guys doesn't walk around saying "I have no money"...more tha likely he says he doesn't have money the three times a day she asks for money from him.

Long and short. I am willing to bet there is about a 6 - 10 year age gap in this couple. THe girl just finished with college and is just learning what the real world is like. She latched onto this guy because she thinks she loves him, but really she is just looking for that father figure to take over the care of her every want in need just like pops did for her 4 years of college. He was butt over tea kettle for her, but now he is smart enough to realize this girl has lots of growing up to do. Girl doesn't want to grow up. She doesn't understand that life in the real world starting out isn't ever going to involve $500 of disposable income every month. All of a sudden she goes from mommy's care packages, daddy's monthly $200, her excess financial aid for living expenses of $3000 a semester (trust me it happens I have kids coing in and using it as down payments on cars all the time) daddy and mommy paying for the car and insurance and no student loan payments. To all of a sudden car, ins, no financial aid, pay back financial aid, no allowance from daddy and ABSOLUTELY NO CHANGE IN LIFESTYLE. It is a plague of our youth. It is the plague of my generation, guy or girl. THis is why there are so many bankruptcies. SO much credit card debt. So many ZERO DOWN car sales, ZERO DOWN mortgages etc. She was poorly prepared for the harsh reality of the real world. Unfortunately for all of us, she happens to be in a relationship. Automatically it is the guys fault because he has the money to help her out. NO! He is doing the right thing, the thing hr parents neglected to do. He is holding her accountable and yeah it will make him look like a jerk. Whenever someone takes a stand they get made out to be a jerk or b**ch. Well, he is a good guy trying to gether on her feet. GOOD FOR HIM!

Everyone on here is so quick to cry for the APPARENT VICTIM without reading into anything. Look at her language and the way she phrases things. She is trying to spin them without lying, because then she would feel bad. She came on here looking for someone t tell her it was OK to be a mooch...MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Sometimes loving relatioships have tough love too...to teach people lessons. The sad part about all of this is it shouldn't be about sex, but it is. You all know damn well out there that if the sexes were reversed in this situation they would be calling him a mooch who needs to get off his duff. If you say different you are lying to yourselves.

People need to not respond on eotion and outword appearances. If these questions were so outwordly simple these people would not be on here asking them. We are no smarter than they are. All you women should be ashamed for making this out to be some battle of the sexes. And for the ady who TALKED TO MANY MATURE MEN and SAY THIS IS A CON and RUNS RAMPID WHERE YOUR FRIED IS FROM (not this country)...get a clue...that is why in your friends country they still ride mules to the maket and use outhouses and oil lanterns. GROW UP!

Sure some guy on here had some fun, but no less than the woman. Get off your high horse.

CLASSIC FEMALE MENTALITY IN A RELATIONSHIP:

"Whats mine is mine and whats yours is ours"

End of Story


Everyone here knows there are 2 sides to every story.

Your hypothetical account maybe dead on however, we only have her story. So short of calling other members in this forum a liar, even when we know there is more to the story, we grant the benefit of doubt! Its called courtesy!

wewed100606
Feb 1, 2008, 07:30 PM
My point is NUETRAL advice like that above about sitting down and budgeting is GOOD advice given without all the facts. Bad advice is that given saying he is cheap, ditch him, he is a con man, etc. That is BAD ADVICE given without all the information. The accuteness of the advice should directly coorelate to the accuteness of the information. GRAY AREA QUESTION = GRAY AREA ANSWER otherwise you all are setting yourselves up to ruin lives based on less than all the facts.

twinkiedooter
Feb 1, 2008, 07:42 PM
The adult men I spoke to about this are two Admirals, three Commanders, 2 Captains, 1 Medical Doctor, and Head Radio Officer and they are in the Navy of a non-backward country who don't use outhouses or ride donkeys, thank you. You must be thinking of the Middle East or Israel.

P.S. Did not like your $5 coffee story either. You weren't there so speculation is not necessary.

Sand Daddy
Feb 1, 2008, 07:51 PM
My point is NUETRAL advice like that above about sitting down and budgeting is GOOD advice given without all the facts. Bad advice is that given saying he is cheap, ditch him, he is a con man, etc. That is BAD ADVICE given without all the information. The accuteness of the advice should directly coorelate tothe accuteness of the information. GRAY AREA QUESTION = GRAY AREA ANSWER otherwise you all are setting yourselves up to ruin lives based on less than all the facts.


She could be a fat liar for all I know, but I don't. He could be a great guy and she could be a stingy little gold digger,who knows. Better yet, he could be worse then she is letting on... I don't know!

My posts clearly present a neutral position that is centered around a fair compromise, I have only suggested that if there is an unwillingness on his behalf to work with her, then he may not be in it for the right reasons... That's a maybe and it certainly is reciprocal.

I agree her input through out this discussion on her behalf would have been beneficial, but it didn't happen.

The point is you have passed judgment yourself without knowing all the facts and are criticizing the other members for their effort and opinions:

"People need to not respond on emotion and outword appearances. If these questions were so outwordly simple these people would not be on here asking them. We are no smarter than they are. All you women should be ashamed for making this out to be some battle of the sexes. And for the lady who TALKED TO MANY MATURE MEN and SAY THIS IS A CON and RUNS RAMPID WHERE YOUR FRIEND IS FROM (not this country)...get a clue...that is why in your friends country they still ride mules to the maket and use outhouses and oil lanterns. GROW UP!

Sure some guy on here had some fun, but no less than the woman. Get off your high horse."

"CLASSIC FEMALE MENTALITY IN A RELATIONSHIP:

"What's mine is mine and what's yours is ours"

End of Story"

I merely have suggested that courtesy and benefit of doubt be granted to any member as opposed to calling out as a liar. If you feel the story is too one sided to gauge an accurate or true response, then I suggest you say nothing.

wewed100606
Feb 1, 2008, 07:55 PM
Bizygurl... thank you! You hit the nail there. JUDGMENTS made based on one side are a recipe for disaster. PERFECTLY SAID. THere are far to many people on here JUDGING instead of giving sound advice like yourself. I don't think a lot of these people can diffrentiate between the two :-) I know I couldn't have picked up the word JUDGMENT without your help and it is exactly what I was searching for. Your and Fr_Ch advice of the budget and sitting down together is still the best and really possibly the only "ADVICE" given on this post. Thanks!

wewed100606
Feb 1, 2008, 07:58 PM
Sorry Sand Daddy, can't give you anymore props. Your point is well taken. I did pass judgement, more or less to prove a point, but I did none the less. It is my downfall I often times find myself respoding more to the conversation than the original post. We all have faults. Thank you for the intelligent conversation though. I will do my best to heed my own advice.

Like I tell my daughter: "Do as I say, not as I do"

nadia999
Feb 1, 2008, 08:12 PM
The divorce rate is high because the majority of men in the west are cheap as I can tell in the post. And what you mean she might be a gold digger? A gold digger wants to take a man's money and run, but she loves him and want to give him her life, how is that gold digging?

Sand Daddy
Feb 1, 2008, 08:13 PM
Sorry Sand Daddy, can't give you anymore props. Your point is well taken. I did pass judgement, more or less to prove a point, but I did none the less. It is my downfall I often times find myself respoding more to the conversation than the original post. We all have faults. Thank you for the intelligent conversation though. I will do my best to heed my own advice.

Like I tell my daughter: "Do as I say, not as I do"

No worries, I love a good conversation! I only aim to inform, inspire grow and learn.

Just remember, the advice in these forums is solicited. I do agree that caution should be taken before shelling out any advice especially with sensitive issues. You have great points so don't sell yourself too short, I look forward to future discussions.

bizygurl
Feb 1, 2008, 08:16 PM
Bizygurl...thank you! You hit the nail there. JUDGMENTS made based on one side are a recipe for disaster. PERFECTLY SAID. THere are far to many people on here JUDGING instead of giving sound advice like yourself. I don't think alot of these people can diffrentiate between the two :-) I know I couldn't have picked up the word JUDGMENT without your help and it is exactly what I was searching for. Your and Fr_Ch advice of the budget and sitting down together is still the best and really possibly the only "ADVICE" given on this post. Thanks!

Your so welcome,wewed100606! (wow that's a lenghtly display name to type) hehehe):) Thank you for such a warm response to the agreement I left you. Its very easy to judge, its human nature to do so even when you really aren't meaning to. I think everyone on this post had well meaning advice, what I'm surprised that, this thread is so long and I believe that we have not ounce heard from the individual that started this thread, odd. Im so glad I was able to give you the word you were looking for, my pleasure;)

Greg Quinn
Feb 1, 2008, 08:23 PM
Its sad to see people like WeWed100606 and Truefaith tossing out reds like confetti, the fact is our position is to read what the person who creates the thread says, and take it for the truth until inconsistencies may arise and then you may assume there is another side to a story. She may have a huge spending problem we do not know about, but you can not assume anything, you would have to ask questions. If a person comes on here and asks a question about weight loss, and you want to answer their question, you must believe the facts they are giving you are correct because if they were lying, how would it help them? And I must say, think real hard before you give someone a red. It can be a real insult to receive one if it is not deserved, often I respond below the persons post (answer) and see if it can be discussed further with out insult.

ISneezeFunny
Feb 1, 2008, 08:35 PM
I'm OK with nadia999's comments... but they have no basis. She simply says that the divorce rates in the U.S. are high because men are cheap. That has nothing to do with this thread. It's just a cheap shot... for no reason. What if I said something along the lines of... Canada sucks because the women there are ugly?

1. That has no basis whatsoever.

2. I'm not making any points whatsoever.

3. It makes me sound like a bumbling idiot.

Keep personal insults/comments to yourself. If you want to help the OP, then help the OP.

By the way, nadia999... I'm simply curious. How old are you?

wewed100606
Feb 1, 2008, 08:38 PM
Just shut down the post so everyone can quit the belly aching! The original poster hasn't had input since the onset and it is just turning into a platform for people to further their cause. I think you will find Greg, no offense, but I handed out just as much GREEN CONFETTI and received just as much RED CONFETTI as I dished out. It was a heated issue and topic. If you would be so kind as to let me know which one of my RED CONFETTI's were unjustified I would gladly discuss them.

Sand Daddy
Feb 1, 2008, 09:08 PM
Everyone has had their shot at the OP and well everyone in opposition, lets not get carried away guys! No one wants a CONFETTI WAR! LOL

Everyone just needs to respect the fact that there are differences in perspective.
To each their own!

nadia999
Feb 1, 2008, 09:17 PM
Well, my opinion based on the men responses on the web site. Most of the men if not all on this post a lone to me are cheap, and it is my opinion, don't get offended, I'm entitled to have an opinion, right? Money is # one reason for divorce, and here in this post is why.
Someone said he might be trying to teach her how to budget, god, he is a very bad teacher, this not the way to teach an adult.
What other side of the story could it be to indicate that he is not at fault or cheap.

Sand Daddy
Feb 1, 2008, 09:26 PM
I moved in with my boyfriend about 7 months ago.

Irrelevant, 7 months 7 years. It really doesn't amount to a hill a beans.



He owns the house we live in and I agreed to help out with the bills when I moved in.
He originally wanted me to pay for half of every bill but I just cannot afford this. I make 30,000 a year and he makes 95,000! I am currently paying over 1/3 of what the bills are but I also have students loans/car payment/insurance/credit cards etc. By the time I am done paying bills for the month and buying some groceries I have about $50 left to my name. I tell him I just cannot afford to keep paying him this much and he always has his hand out for money.

This is the only significant portion of the post! This is the real issue people! I can argue both sides here, but its pointless to point out what came first, chicken or the egg. The best answers given are the answers that provide solutions, not slander.



He also hates going out because he does not want to pay for anything but when he does pay for something for me, he likes to constantly remind me that he paid for that time we went out.

This is her perspective and requires more info to comment on! Without any further details (the guys) we can cheap shot them both back to the stone age without making a single post of any benefit.



Also, for Christmas he will only spend as much on me as what I can afford to buy for him. He claims he never has any money but whenever he wants something he buys it and is currently looking at buy a $55,000 car while I am struggling to get by. Am I greedy or is he really just cheap?

There is not enough information from the OP not to mention the other side of the story! To make any comments or references to this portion of the OP is premature and possible, inappropriate. Again, without any further details (the guys) we can cheap shot them both back to the stone age without making a single post of any benefit.

bizygurl
Feb 1, 2008, 09:28 PM
Well, my opinion based on the men responses on the web site. Most of the men if not all on this post a lone to me are cheap, and it is my opinion, don't get offended, I'm entitled to have an opinion, right? Money is # one reason for divorce, and here in this post is why.
Someone said he might be trying to teach her how to budget, god, he is a very bad teacher, this not the way to teach an adult.
What other side of the story could it be to indicate that he is not at fault or cheap.

I think you may have misunderstood what was said, no one said that he was "trying to teach her to budget". But that they should come together and discuss how they could budget and see if they could make it more fair for them both.

I do agree with you on the fact that money is one of the reasons marriages end in divorce but not all of them and certainly not because its solely based on a man being cheap. There are woman who make plenty more than there husbands and this same scenario is probably being played out in those relationships. What Im getting at is that it isn't fair to base a failed marriage on the man. There could be many other sides to why a marriage failed.

No one here I feel is offended by your statement and you are completely entitled to your opinion.

muna
Feb 1, 2008, 09:55 PM
Gosh, the man is inconsiderate

Kia
Feb 1, 2008, 10:09 PM
OK, I can't believe none of you men think that this guy should cut her some slack. Again; he is her boyfriend; not her landlord. How he feels about her should have something to do with it. He should not want to see her constantly broke & struggling AND not even want to take her out to do nice things, not to mention constantly bringing up prices for dinners and stuff! Geez! Its not like she's mooching off him & doesn't have a job!
Also, It's not like he wasn't paying the mortgage just fine before she moved in & he's making plenty of money. He's being selfish! And it's not like she's asking him to shower her with constant gifts or take her shopping. She just is asking for some slack in the rent and some nice outings without complaints.You shouldn't treat the one you love and live with like some type of stranger off the street!

Greg Quinn
Feb 1, 2008, 10:22 PM
Well, my opinion based on the men responses on the web site. Most of the men if not all on this post a lone to me are cheap, and it is my opinion, don't get offended, I'm entitled to have an opinion, right? Money is # one reason for divorce, and here in this post is why.
Someone said he might be trying to teach her how to budget, god, he is a very bad teacher, this not the way to teach an adult.
What other side of the story could it be to indicate that he is not at fault or cheap.


Most definitely NOT all men who have posted on this thread are cheap.

Greg Quinn
Feb 1, 2008, 10:24 PM
ok, I can't believe none of you men think that this guy should cut her some slack. Again; he is her boyfriend; not her landlord. How he feels about her should have something to do with it. He should not want to see her constantly broke & struggling AND not even want to take her out to do nice things, not to mention constantly bringing up prices for dinners and stuff! Geez! Its not like she's mooching off of him & doesn't have a job!
Also, It's not like he wasn't paying the mortgage just fine before she moved in & he's making plenty of money. He's being selfish! And it's not like she's asking him to shower her with constant gifts or take her shopping. She just is asking for some slack in the rent and some nice outings without complaints.You shouldn't treat the one you love and live with like some type of stranger off the street!


Again.

Kia
Feb 1, 2008, 10:29 PM
So guys answer me: if you had an agreement with a girlfriend you are in love with, you love coming home to her everyday,she makes you happy, etc. She moves in and you are watching her struggling trying to pay her half while she is a working woman and is paying off her student loans, and you know you could help her out a little bit; at least for a little while until she gets more on an even foot; you wouldn't treat her to some nice outings, then kick her out & tell her to go struggle somewhere else?

That's cold hearted...

Kia
Feb 1, 2008, 10:54 PM
Again.

OK, not you-)

ISneezeFunny
Feb 2, 2008, 12:26 AM
so guys answer me: if you had an agreement with a girlfriend you are in love with, you love coming home to her everyday,she makes you happy, etc. She moves in and you are watching her struggling trying to pay her half while she is a working woman and is paying off her student loans, and you know you could help her out a little bit; at least for a little while until she gets more on an even foot; you wouldn't treat her to some nice outings, then kick her out & tell her to go struggle somewhere else?

Thats cold hearted...

No, but that's my point. I would GLADLY help her out. HOWEVER... it becomes a separate issue when she starts 1) asking me to help her and 2) complaining that I don't help her.

It's like how you ladies want to make your man happy... so you do something nice. However, when he starts EXPECTING it, you just don't feel like doing it anymore. I would gladly help my girl out if she was in trouble... but if she starts expecting it... or saying how I SHOULD do it, then no. that's bunk. (new word... I'm going to try and use it)

Greg Quinn
Feb 2, 2008, 01:21 AM
Just shut down the post so everyone can quit the belly aching! The original poster hasn't had input since the onset and it is just turning into a platform for people to further their cause. I think you will find Greg, no offense, but I handed out just as much GREEN CONFETTI and recieved just as much RED CONFETTI as I dished out. It was a heated issue and topic. If you would be so kind as to let me know which one of my RED CONFETTI's were unjustified I would gladly discuss them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


wewed100606 disagrees: So?? COurtesy is a one way street just because he happens to not be here representing himself? My point was, she hasn't answered any questions and everyone is spurting off with blind advice.
__________________________________________________ __________________________


__________________________________________________ __________________________
Slightly edited repost=Greg Quinn]Its sad to see people like ************ and ******** tossing out reds like confetti. The fact is, our position is to read what the person who asks the personal question says, and take it for the truth until inconsistencies may arise and then you may assume there is another side to a story. She may have a huge spending problem we do not know about, but you can not assume anything, you would have to ask questions. If a person comes on here and asks a question about weight loss, and you want to answer their question, you must believe the facts they are giving you are correct because if they were lying, how would it help them? Their story is the only story you get to hear. And I must say, think real hard before you give someone a red. It can be a real insult to receive one if it is not deserved, often I respond below the persons post (answer) and see if it can be discussed further without insult.

friend4u178
Feb 2, 2008, 01:31 AM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


wewed100606 disagrees: So??? COurtesy is a one way street just because he happens to not be here representing himself? My point was, she hasn't answered any questions and everyone is spurting off with blind advice.
__________________________________________________ __________________________


__________________________________________________ __________________________
Slightly edited repost=Greg Quinn]Its sad to see people like ************ and ******** tossing out reds like confetti. The fact is, our position is to read what the person who asks the personal question says, and take it for the truth until inconsistencies may arise and then you may assume there is another side to a story. She may have a huge spending problem we do not know about, but you can not assume anything, you would have to ask questions. If a person comes on here and asks a question about weight loss, and you want to answer their question, you must believe the facts they are giving you are correct because if they were lying, how would it help them? Their story is the only story you get to hear. And I must say, think real hard before you give someone a red. It can be a real insult to receive one if it is not deserved, often I respond below the persons post (answer) and see if it can be discussed further without insult.

I couldn't rate you Greg cause I did earlier , but I have to say I agree with you 100% on this.

helpdave
Feb 2, 2008, 03:37 AM
This is quite funny.
Men will say 50-50 and in my opinion, that is only fair. Independent women will also agree with this.
But it's the women who still live in the whole 'You got to have a J-O-B if you want to be with me' era that need to realise that times have changed and most men have moved on and understand that we are living in the days of equality. Unfortunately the male role has changed and we are no longer the hunter gatherers we used to be as women are also equally as good at this role in modern society, and good luck to them to! This means that when we approach moving in together we are really just tested compatibility, it doesn't mean that you are getting married, having kids or anything more serious than sharing the same space to see if it will work. It is also the next step in any relationship, which means its harder to split up! So why shouldn't you pay your fair share? It sounds like you are prepared to, but just cannot afford to. That's for your boyfriend and you to decide.
But for all those people that think this is unfair, I suggest you look around you and see the world we have all created for ourselves and decide whether you want to participate equally in this society or go back to wearing hyper color t-shirts and listening to cheesy 80's music, with equally niave attitudes.

And Yes, I am bored enough to write all of that. I'm waiting for my pregnant girlfriend to get out of bed, its 10:30am for gods sake!

N0help4u
Feb 2, 2008, 09:58 AM
Wewed

I think you are reading too much into this


[QUOTE=wewed100606]They got involved. He was happy she was happy all is well. They moved in together agreeing to split expenses to make life more affordable for BOTH of them. She is late with money. He understands. She is late with money some more. He picks up the slack. He is beginning to see that she still has money for $5 Starbucks, this begins to piss him off. She sees that he can buy what he wants when he wants. She thinks she should be able to do the same. She starts to run up credit cards buying her MAC cosmetics. THe minimum payments get higher. Student loan deferments end. Here comes another $250 a month she din't plan for. Still drinking $5 lattes. He begins to see she is irresponsible. She thinks he is being greedy. He is trying to teach her responsibility. She can't understand how he expects her to buy MAC cosmetics and Starbucks everyday on $50 a month. He thinks he will teach her. She spends her $50 she has left at happy hour with her work buddies on Friday. Saturday she wants to go out. No money left so got to make sure Jerk Boy is along to pick up the tab. He see she is using him. He says you know what I don't feel like going out. SHe thinks he is an and he just wants to prove the point that she is being irresponsible with her money and he isn't going to reward that. He cares about her and wants to stay with her, but he can't marry someone who can't budget and balance a checkbook. He is trying to force her to budget. No where does it say he ASKS FOR MONEY FOR GROCERIES. It says he always has his hand out for money (ie. For the bills she agree to pay). He claims to never have any money because he knows if he says he does she will milk it out of him. I am pretty sure from that standpoint a guys doesn't walk around saying "I have no money"... more tha likely he says he doesn't have money the three times a day she asks for money from him.[QUOTE]

Where did she say she was behind because she is wasting money on latte's or even Wal Mart??


She SAID she has only $50. A month after expenses and his having his hand out for MORE!

She SAID he thinks nothing of spending money on himself.

You figure if she makes 30, a year that is almost $2,100. A month

Just SAY she gives him probably close to a thousand a month toward the agreement and food and another $1,000. Goes toward students loans/car payment/insurance/credit cards. Then he leaves her $50. Per month for 'her latte'
He has HIS hand out for the additional left over money.

s_cianci
Feb 2, 2008, 10:04 AM
Am I greedy or is he really just cheap?I suspect that the answer to both of these is yes. He's obviously frugal with his money, despite his $95,000 income and there's certainly no crime in that. He also has the right to expect you to contribute to household expenses if you're going to live with him, regardless of your income and regardless of his. A single person such as yourself can get by on $30,000 per year without having to live with someone else. If you find that living with him is too expensive because he demands too much then it may be time to move out.

Alty
Feb 2, 2008, 10:44 AM
My point is NUETRAL advice like that above about sitting down and budgeting is GOOD advice given without all the facts. Bad advice is that given saying he is cheap, ditch him, he is a con man, etc. That is BAD ADVICE given without all the information. The accuteness of the advice should directly coorelate tothe accuteness of the information. GRAY AREA QUESTION = GRAY AREA ANSWER otherwise you all are setting yourselves up to ruin lives based on less than all the facts.


I do agree, allot of us are going of on a tangent (myself included) because we feel strongly about this, however, we are all reading into the question what we want to read and not necessarily what was actually posted (my bad too). It is nice to have sites like this on which to vent, I know I appreciate it. Maybe someone should start a new post discussing whether different incomes should pay equal amounts when living together, or something like that. I know it's not going to be me (I'm in enough trouble already with most of you guys:p ) but maybe this will allow everyone to be able to post their opinions without giving advice to this specific poster. Make sense, I hope so because I'm tired. :)

Alty
Feb 2, 2008, 11:10 AM
Me and my big mouth. Okay wewed and NoHelp, I started a new post. The topic is : "Going of on a tangent". Hope I don't get to many confused people going to it and wondering why. Hope I did it justice, if not I'm sure someone will tell me.:p

s_cianci
Feb 2, 2008, 11:17 AM
Oh, I will say that if the guy is rubbing in her face what he spent on things or what he bought her...that is pretty bunk. That is one of those times you take whatever he is that he is so proud of and light it on fire and say "next time keep the price tag to yourself".

He does sound like kind of a douche bag in that sense, but once again, consider the source!

I love ya Kate...but you gotta lose the poor me attitude...not attractive to anyone and it makes you look like a money grubbing hoochie mamma.

With the logic you and the other ladies on this board are using it sounds like a bunch of Communists. There is no ENTITLEMENT in life. The simple fact of life is you need to work for what you get. If you want more spending money, get another job, ask for a raise, refinance your debt, be pro-active...don't sit and b**ch about it and hope it gets better.

If there is one thing in this world I have no sympathy for it is people who complain about things that they have no willingness or motivation to change.I know I'll have to spread it but this is even better than your first response.

Greg Quinn
Feb 2, 2008, 11:29 AM
If having $50.00 at the end of the month in her scenario (considering his income) constitutes a greed label for her, then I would have to consider my girlfriend to be a tyrant. I know there are responsible people out there who are very cautious with money and are frugal to say the least. But (I believe)in a relationship it is one partners duty to help make the other happy and comfortable, this girl seems pretty nice to me and if she is anything like my GF she would step up to the plate if the incomes were reversed and I (or he) would be able to enjoy the huge luxury of a starbucks coffee and maybe even a little extra for clothes and surprises. To go beyond answering her question and offer unsolicited advice, I think a sit down with this Bf would be a good thing to do and maybe if she ever comes back (to helpdesk) she can use a few of the points she would have read here to clarify her position. If he disagrees or finds a reasonable argument, things like her spending or their relationship and or housing should be reevaluated. Mind you though, she hasn't posted on the subject for sometime and it has left grey area for some debate(not huge speculation).

s_cianci
Feb 2, 2008, 11:47 AM
The divorce rate is high because the majority of men in the west are cheap as I can tell in the post.C'mon, you've got to be kidding! Had to spread it or this one would've definitely gotten a reddie.

s_cianci
Feb 2, 2008, 12:13 PM
Well this one has certainly struck a lot of nerves with a lot of people! Not even 48 hours old and already over 100 responses - that's got to be a near-record. After re-reading the original post and reading all of the responses posted on this thread (not to mention all the greenies and reddies!), my impression, and this is only my impression, is that the OP has an entitlement mentality. It has little to do with gender as there are plenty of both men and women in this world with such a mindset. She seems to feel that, because his income is more than 3 times what hers is, that he should pull more of the weight than she should. Well that's just a big crock, sorry to say. All she does is complain ; nowhere does she mention anything about re-negotiating the arrangement or finding some other alternative solution to what she perceives to be the problem at hand. I and several other posters have mentioned that she's free to move out but notice that she apparently isn't interested in doing that ; if she did, then she'd have to pay all of her own living expenses. To me it almost sounds like she's the one trying to take advantage of him. She doesn't want to live on her own, i.e. pay her own way 100%, so she latches onto some well-off guy with he hope that he'll carry the majority of the weight. When he doesn't let her take advantage of him, he gets painted as "cheap" and some have even labeled him a "con artist." Well, if anything, I think she's the one doing the "conning" here.

nadia999
Feb 2, 2008, 02:54 PM
God, the men are so bitter against women, I guess they should try to be gay, if you still think this arrangement is fair you are all callous. I would say the same if they were gay couple.
I will give you an example hope you find the similarity because you all say it is her choice, if someone is sick with a cold and wants to swim and you love this individual and even sleep with this individual, would you let them? It is their choice to swim but because you care you wouldn't or at least say to this person "you can not afford the consequences so it is better till you can afford to swim, you swim"

TrueFaith
Feb 2, 2008, 02:58 PM
Your point is childish Nadia just like your coments

Your in the red most people disagrees with you

Take the hint and just leave it.

talaniman
Feb 2, 2008, 03:04 PM
God, the men are so bitter against women, I guess they should try to be gay, if you still think this arrangement is fair you are all callous.
I agree this is not a fair relationship, she can't afford it, so why is she staying??

Greg Quinn
Feb 2, 2008, 03:27 PM
Well this one has certainly struck a lot of nerves with a lot of people! Not even 48 hours old and already over 100 responses - that's got to be a near-record. After re-reading the original post and reading all of the responses posted on this thread (not to mention all the greenies and reddies!), my impression, and this is only my impression, is that the OP has an entitlement mentality. It has little to do with gender as there are plenty of both men and women in this world with such a mindset. She seems to feel that, because his income is more than 3 times what hers is, that he should pull more of the weight than she should. Well that's just a big crock, sorry to say. All she does is complain ; nowhere does she mention anything about re-negotiating the arrangement or finding some other alternative solution to what she perceives to be the problem at hand. I and several other posters have mentioned that she's free to move out but notice that she apparently isn't interested in doing that ; if she did, then she'd have to pay all of her own living expenses. To me it almost sounds like she's the one trying to take advantage of him. She doesn't want to live on her own, i.e. pay her own way 100%, so she latches onto some well-off guy with he hope that he'll carry the majority of the weight. When he doesn't let her take advantage of him, he gets painted as "cheap" and some have even labeled him a "con artist." Well, if anything, I think she's the one doing the "conning" here.
__________________________________________________ _____________________

Yeah, her $50.00 leftovers at the end of every month are proof that she is a real true con artist. And there I was thinking she was a little unsure of her scenario and coming here for some insight before she made a decision as to what she was going to do about her situation. That little devil!! How could I have been so blind? NOTE-- This was to be read as pure sarcasm

ISneezeFunny
Feb 2, 2008, 03:37 PM
God, the men are so bitter against women, I guess they should try to be gay, if you still think this arrangement is fair you are all callous. I would say the same if they were gay couple.
I will give you an example hope you find the similarity because you all say it is her choice, if someone is sick with a cold and wants to swim and you love this individual and even sleep with this individual, would you let them? it is their choice to swim but because you care you wouldn't or at least say to this person "you can not afford the consequences so it is better till you can afford to swim, you swim"

... what..

Someone's sick... they want to swim... yeah I'd let them. I'd advise, "You shouldn't swim..." but in the end, if they really want to, they'll swim... and they'll probably get sicker. The "sick" person, if I'm dating them, is not a child. She is an adult... she can do whatever she wants to.

And by the way, this woman's not "sick"... she's able to afford the rent. She has a choice to be able to move out or renegotiate or even get a higher paying job. A better example is her being sick, then swimming, and then complaining that her boyfriend should have told her not to swim.

... and the gay comment? What? What're you saying? Do you review your own comments? Really, get someone to proofread your comments. If they ever say, "what are you trying to say here?"... think about it again... come back with a different comment.

... also, I really REALLY must ask again. How old are you?

nadia999
Feb 2, 2008, 05:19 PM
Well, I guess my example is very clear and why do you ask me about my age, I should ask you about your age for your limited understanding of ones' point which is very clear.
What I said was very clear, 98% of the men in the post seem bitter about the women, you sided with the man which is very clear he does not give a fig about how she feels or what's fair, so when I said if you were gay, who are going to side with?
And what do you mean it is her choice? You have no stance whatsoever, are you going to let the people you care about fall in mistakes without saying anything? Still negative people like won't change any thing around them if it wrong. So your saying if someone is willing to die for you, you will let them die, and you will say , oh this person is an adult and this is what they want to do, what about you and where is your conscience?
And Bizygurl, money is # one cause of divorce.

TrueFaith
Feb 2, 2008, 05:26 PM
Ok nadia has gone GAGA.

All us boys should stop talking to this person right now
As she is starting to scare me.

Die for you?? I'm not english and I don't write very well in it. But wow I really can't understand a word you are saying

Your examples are so far out there, they should be on the moon.

I'm sorry you view life this way.

Alty
Feb 2, 2008, 05:40 PM
Ok nadia has gone GAGA.

All us boys should stop talking to this person right now
as she is starting to scare me.

Die for you??. im not english and i dont write very well in it. but wow i really can't understand a word you are saying

Your examples are so far out there, they should be on the moon.

im sorry you view life this way.

How dare you? You have no right to try to black list Nadia by telling people to stop talking to her. Don't presume that all the "boys" agree with you.

Boys, we haven't always agreed, but I think I've made it clear that even though I don't always agree with you I do respect your right to have an opinion and voice it and be heard(even you TrueFaith;), but why are some of you being so nasty? We are all adults, this issue is not life or death, the person who started this post doesn't even care enough about our opinions to read them. Can't we all just try and get along.:)

nadia999
Feb 2, 2008, 05:41 PM
Well, Truefaith , when you have a stance on a specific issue you look at the extreme to see if your opinion is right or wrong, and for you to talk about me like that is just immature, stop the personal attack it just shows immaturity, and what do you mean I am scaring you? And "people don't talk this person" god, how weak and cheap attack.
I will give a little advice to make you seem sophisticated and smart when you are in discussion, never personal attack the individual you are debating with, if you disagree, disagree. If you don't like it, keep your cool, people disagree all the time because personal attacks shows weakness and it has nothing to do with the topic.
You can say I am crazy feminist or any thing has to do with the topic but that? Is just childish

Greg Quinn
Feb 2, 2008, 06:00 PM
I agree this is not a fair relationship, she can't afford it, so why is she staying???
___________________________________________

Probably because she has lint in her pockets. And lint is really hard to form into cash... I've tried. And maybe love?

TrueFaith
Feb 2, 2008, 06:02 PM
Did I say crazy feminist?? Your words not mine

You dare to call me immatuer? That makes me laugh on many lvls

You sad little girl

)))))God, the men are so bitter against women, I guess they should try to be gay)))))

Oh yes I bow to your wize wisdom and age.. ohh id neve black list someone for saying that noo sure great! view there girl yup wow.

And the talking about swimming and dying. Another JEWL in light that shines off your wisdom!

You say stuff like this Nadia and you get people on you. I do think we should stop talking to you because its not worth it

But anyway I have said what I wanted to.

And I'm not getting into a circular argument with you.

End.

bizygurl
Feb 2, 2008, 06:27 PM
Well, I guess my example is very clear and why do you ask me about my age, I should ask you about your age for your limited understanding of ones' point which is very clear.
What I said was very clear, 98% of the men in the post seem bitter about the women, you sided with the man which is very clear he does not give a fig about how she feels or what's fair, so when I said if you were gay, who are going to side with?
And what do you mean it is her choice? you have no stance whatsoever, are you going to let the people you care about fall in mistakes without saying anything? still negative people like won't change any thing around them if it wrong. so your saying if someone is willing to die for you, you will let them die, and you will say , oh this person is an adult and this is what they want to do, what about you and where is your conscience?
and Bizygurl, money is # one cause of divorce.


"I do agree with you on the fact that money is one of the reasons why marriages end in divorce but not all of them and certainly not because its soley based on a man being cheap"-bizygurl

nadia999, you really need to fully read or reread someone's post before you comment on it. I was NOT disagreeing with you that money being not a reason that marriages end in a divorce. Yes it may be the #1 reason or at the very least one of the very top reasons of divorce. Im not going to agree that It's the very top reason for it because I don't see any proof, nevertheless I did not disputed that it wasn't a great possibility. Where I did disagree with you was where you seem to put a general blame on men that it's their fault that there are financial issues in a marriage and therefore... they are the blame for it ending in a divorce. So before you start getting a little uppetty about what I said in the last post, take a look and then you will realize that the point on the "money problems being a top reason of divorce" that you were trying to make, I actually agreed with.

ISneezeFunny
Feb 2, 2008, 06:34 PM
Admin... this mess needs to be closed. No point in it.

Women, we love you guys... however, we will always disagree with you guys on certain topics.

nadia999... I know what you're saying. If someone's hurting, then you should do something about it if you love them. HOWEVER, if they don't heed your advice, then you have to let that go. They need to be willing to help themselves. However, that has absolutely nothing to do with this topic... at all. He's not hurting her... and she's not hurting herself. You took something that's relatively innocuous and turned it into a dying issue... really, no relevance. Also, the gay comment... it's a bit inappropriate. You're putting a stereotype that gay guys always side with a woman's point of view. Not necessarily the case. Each individual has their own point of view. Just because we "seem" bitter to women doesn't mean we should be gay. How about the idea that "you seem bitter to men...maybe you should be a lesbian?" That's inappropriate.

Altenweg... yes. We'll always disagree on certain topics. Agree to disagree?

To everyone else... let's stop the bickering and just hold hands and kumbayah.

nadia999
Feb 2, 2008, 06:35 PM
Thank you Alteweg for defending me.
I said before (Truefaith) I said the men are being callous on this specific topic. And you can say I am being crazy feminist on this specific topic, and you saying( YOU SAID IT) god, how childish to have a debate like that! Just when you are out of logic and points to prove what you're saying don't personal attack, it's neither cool nor smart.
I am not arguing for the sake of arguing, money issue is a big deal and by understanding not just taking sides and being fair I guess lots of relationships could have survived.
A lot of people are reading this post and the goal, I know this my goal which is to make people fair. I have seen lots of marriages failed because of this specific issue and usually the man is not considerate, I have being in it and almost any relationship I witnessed .
I love what Dr. Phil said to a man on his show, this man was working and the wife is a stay at home mom and he was buying himself whatever he pleases and she has nothing and doctor Phil told him "it is not your money, it is a partnership between you two, whatever you make is yours and hers, she working in and your working outside", may be is not quite close to OP, but the message is if you love a person you consider their feelings and if you don't it will just create silent resentment and eventually splitting and then you will say "she left me for another man".
Usually men make more than women, if a woman is making more she would be callous to leave him with almost nothing. I understand that men usually very mathematical and it is very hard to tell someone your in a relationship with you are just mathematical, they will accuse immediately of being a gold digger, it is very frustrating.

Cheshire2008
Feb 2, 2008, 06:38 PM
Most relationships have fights over Sex or Money. I really hope the sex is worth all this drama! You will soon realize it is not.
As a woman who has always paid her own way. I want to say there is a communication problem between you two. If you feel this man is worth all that go to a money management class. There is a fantastic one for singles and couples by Dave Ramsey.
I agree with several posts here. But it all comes down to you Communicate if you can't in person write it out. Men do show their commitement with the parting of the denero.
I think you shpould read the book ""He is just not that into you"
Good Luck

bizygurl
Feb 2, 2008, 06:46 PM
admin...this mess needs to be closed. no point in it.

women, we love you guys...however, we will always disagree with you guys on certain topics.

nadia999...I know what you're saying. If someone's hurting, then you should do something about it if you love them. HOWEVER, if they don't heed your advice, then you have to let that go. They need to be willing to help themselves. However, that has absolutely nothing to do with this topic...at all. He's not hurting her...and she's not hurting herself. You took something that's relatively innocuous and turned it into a dying issue...really, no relevance. Also, the gay comment...it's a bit inappropriate. You're putting a stereotype that gay guys always side with a woman's point of view. Not necessarily the case. Each individual has their own point of view. Just because we "seem" bitter to women doesn't mean we should be gay. How about the idea that "you seem bitter to men...maybe you should be a lesbian?" That's inappropriate.

Altenweg...yes. we'll always disagree on certain topics. agree to disagree?

to everyone else...let's stop the bickering and just hold hands and kumbayah.



I agree with that. We are all beating this to death a bit.. and really all its doing is causing more bickering... time to "kumbayah".. as ISNEEZEFUNNY, greatly put it. Ill make the friendship bracelets.:)

I would have rated your answer, ISNEEZEFUNNY, but I had to spread some rep around first. ;0)

Greg Quinn
Feb 2, 2008, 06:47 PM
Its the weekend people, she will be back on Monday!! LOL Were so sick.... I need to unsubscribe, but I can't bring myself to push the button.

N0help4u
Feb 2, 2008, 06:51 PM
Start passin' 'em out


Someone's cryin', Lord, kumbaya;

Someone's cryin', Lord, kumbaya;

Someone's cryin', Lord, kumbaya;

Oh, Lord, kumbaya.

bizygurl
Feb 2, 2008, 06:54 PM
HAHAHA... now we really need to stop this thread, we've already started singing! Now you really can tell were all a little burnt out by this. :)

wewed100606
Feb 2, 2008, 10:56 PM
Well, Truefaith , when you have a stance on a specific issue you look at the extreme to see if your opinion is right or wrong, and for you to talk about me like that is just immature, stop the personal attack it just shows immaturity, and what do you mean I am scaring you? and "people don't talk this person" god, how weak and cheap attack.
I will give a little advice to make you seem sophisticated and smart when you are in discussion, never personal attack the individual you are debating with, if you disagree, disagree. if you don't like it, keep your cool, people disagree all the time because personal attacks shows weakness and it has nothing to do with the topic.
You can say I am crazy feminist or any thing has to do with the topic but that? is just childish


Not to beat a dead horse, but here is a little advice to help you seem sophisticated and smart when you are in a discussion; "If the discussion board is in English...LEARN HOW TO SPEAK IT BEFORE YOU GO SPOUTING OFF." I am pretty sure what everyone is getting at with their comments towards you is that they can't make heads or tails of the gibberish word vomit you are putting in your posts. Top to bottom, left to right, group words together as sentences. :-) Work on it and I am sure you will have better luck next time.

nadia999
Feb 2, 2008, 11:03 PM
God, why are you so mad? I speak English fine first, and second, do you know what www means? It world wide web s, it is not only for English spoken people and am sure you understand my points but you chose to be like Truefaith go on to attack personally, be sensible. We were talking about an issue and because I am disagreeing with you, you say that? God, how childish and poor way to respond, you can say whatever you want about me, you are just proving how childish you are.

wewed100606
Feb 2, 2008, 11:11 PM
God, why are you so mad? I speak English fine first, and second, do you know what www means? it world wide web s, it is not only for English spoken people and am sure you understand my points but you chose to be like Truefaith go on to attack personally, smarten up.


Nadia... I was trying to help you out by explaining why everyone had a tough time with your responses and you are in the RED right now. If you TYPE English so well, then maybe you should proof read? Most of your posts on this topic have NOT ONE complete sentence or thought. I am not ATTACKING you I was trying to help you understand SO YOU DIDN'T HAVE A REPEAT OF THIS ON ANOTHER POST! I am not angry at all, if you read my posts almost everyone is light hearted. I can comprehend that this is the WORLD WIDE WEB. I wasn't arguing that point. I don't go onto Spanish wedsites though and try to convery my thoughts on serious matters just because I can speak the language. You just need to roll your words and thoughts into complete thoughts that don't make you look like a mindless ninny. When you don't type complete thoughts it is very tough to decipher your "tone" in the post and often times leads to misunderstandings.

Sorry for trying to help you. Bitter, bitter, bitter, person!

Don't be so defensive!

nadia999
Feb 3, 2008, 12:20 AM
Bitter about what? If you did n't understand what I said you wouldn't have responded at all, a lot of people on the post understood what I said.
I don't have to use big words to talk about topics, and don't try to change your tone, first was attack (beating a dead horse, mindless ninny) you're funny, and now sarcastic.
Well, you can be sarcastic all you want, I don't care it just shows the level of your mentality and how very simpleton you are, when someone disagree with you, you attack personally, and I won't even dignify to respond to your following attack or sarcasm.
Have a nice weekend

yosev
Feb 3, 2008, 12:25 AM
I'm on the other end of the same situation. I think contribution to dates, bills, etc. should come from both ends of the relationship.

nadia999
Feb 3, 2008, 01:16 AM
Sorry Wewed for my spelling mistake, you know what I meant, right? Which I am sure you did, I meant "won't".

s_cianci
Feb 3, 2008, 07:49 AM
I agree this is not a fair relationship, she can't afford it, so why is she staying???I know I'll have to spread it so I won't even try to give a greenie but this short statement really says it all!

s_cianci
Feb 3, 2008, 08:06 AM
__________________________________________________ _____________________

Yeah, her $50.00 leftovers at the end of every month are proof that she is a real true con artist. And there I was thinking she was a little unsure of her scenario and coming here for some insight before she made a decision as to what she was going to do about her situation. That little devil!!! How could I have been so blind? NOTE-- This was to be read as pure sarcasmWell, before we spout too much sarcasm, let me put it this way ; her $50 leftover at the end of the month is more than what I have left over for myself at the end of the month. And I make almost as much as the boyfriend who is the subject of the original post. Of course, I'm supporting a wife and children. If I was single and making what I'm making I'd be living high off the hog too! As it is, I'm content if I have enough gas in my car to get me to and from work for the week and a few beers in the refrigerator. That's about all I can realistically hope for after the bills are paid. I'm sorry, but I don't have a whole lot of sympathy for the original poster. As has been suggested in other posts, I think she's young and naïve and is just now learning about life in the real world and doesn't seem to like it too much. Again, that's just my take on it. I also reiterate the point that she doesn't have to be in this position if she doesn't want to. With an income of $30,000 (which is more than I ever made when I was single), she could live with her parents, pay them $200/month room and board and have plenty of money left over to do whatever she wants with it. If she doesn't want to live at home she could rent a one-bedroom efficiency for around $600/month and still have a lot more than $50/month to spend however she pleases. And she wouldn't even have to answer to anyone as to how she spends her money.

bizygurl
Feb 3, 2008, 09:44 AM
God, why are you so mad? I speak English fine first, and second, do you know what www means? it world wide web s, it is not only for English spoken people and am sure you understand my points but you chose to be like Truefaith go on to attack personally, be sensible. We were talking about an issue and because I am disagreeing with you, you say that? God, how childish and poor way to respond, you can say whatever you want about me, you are just proving how childish you are.

nadia999, I know this has nothing to do with the topic at hand. But you are also guilty of "personal attacks." Or at least "a" personal attack. Its easy to do when you disagree with someone and feel strongly on a matter. So Im not faulting you for that.

BUT to say the men on this thread ,that happen not to agree with you, "they should try to be gay" and to call them "cheap" is a personal attack. Is it your opinion, absolutely! And again I'm not saying you can't say or feel how you want to.

We are all guilty of slinging stones at each other, but Don't sling stones and then act hurt or surpized when someone slings them back. Again, just my feeling on it and only my opinion.

TrueFaith
Feb 3, 2008, 09:51 AM
I agree with Biz Totally

I can't stop reading this. Its so much fun
Nadia your amazing you call people dumb gay and moronic. Then we say you know that's not cool

Then you say we all small minded and cheap
As I said to you in the pm I haven't laughed so much in a long time thank you :D


I guess your respons is going to be how lame I am or silly or gay.
Something smart no doubt
Ohh there's another personal attack run for the hills!

You seem to forget what you write. Then you go Ohh how can you say this to me. I'm so nice and good. When it was YOU who started all this

Lots of people on this board have gotten into fights with other people. I have with a lot ;) but even I know when to stop talking and give it a rest
You seem to go on and on and on.
I must admit I'm not letting this go so easy

Please reply more I really love reading what you have to say :D

But OK. This is my last post on this topic. I swear! :)

wewed100606
Feb 3, 2008, 10:29 AM
Let he who lives in a glass house cast the first stone :-)

Personally, I love getting attacked and called to question... when they are legit gripes. It is called constructive criticism. THere are a lot of people who can't take it though (Nadia).

The truth of the matter is that the original poster's question doesn't even matter in the grand scheme of things. Her attitude is obvious in the fact that the only QUESTION she asks is where to place the blame. If she cared about the relationship as much as her standard of life she would've asked us how to help. Maybe ask how to bring up the topic to him, or how to figure out a way to better make ends meet. All these little narative tendencies are where I based my comments and "hypotheticals" off. Everyone has told me that we need to take these questions at face value.

I say no. If you have a depressed person saying they are worthless and their life isn't worth living are we suppose to just assume they are telling the truth and not take into account the fact they are depressed and not thinking straight?

Personally on most of these questions I believe it is more about what isn't said and how things are said more so than the actual words used.

She needs to step back and get her life in order with the circumstances she has created. No one should have to be able to "AFFORD A RELATIONSHIP", however if the pressures of that relationship and the way of life it entails is making you live beyond your means you need to take that into account and ask yourself if it is really what you think it is... the relationship that is.

I was in a relationship for a long time that made me try to keep up to a standard and way of life that I could not afford. I kidded myself and told myself that I was happy and that things would all come full circle in the end. I ended up crazy in debt and ridiculously trapped and unhappy. It has to come from within. Kate you need to ask yourself if a happy person would be searching for blame in this thing.

Love You!

N0help4u
Feb 3, 2008, 11:04 AM
The problem is we are assuming the situations from latte sucker to gold digger so the whole thing is pointless until she comes back and explains what percentage he has his hand out for above what the agreement was.
You are right No one should have to be able to "AFFORD A RELATIONSHIP" that right there should tell her there is no give in the relationship on his part.

wewed100606
Feb 3, 2008, 11:19 AM
The problem is we are assuming the situations from latte sucker to gold digger so the whole thing is pointless until she comes back and explains what percentage he has his hand out for above what the agreement was.
You are right No one should have to be able to "AFFORD A RELATIONSHIP" that right there should tell her there is no give in the relationship on his part.


See now! We aren't assuming... we are deducing. We are making logical assumptions from past experiences, and drawing inferences from past dialogue.

No one is giving up on this "he has his hand out for money" thing. If you read the post it really says nothing about him having his hand out for any MORE than they had originally agreed upon. It just says he always has his hand out for money, which anyone who has shared living quarters and split bills can very much relate to. All the bills and the mortgage don't come on the same day of the month. I am sure it just feels to her like there is ALWAYS SOMEONE asking for her money, be it him,her credit card bills, her car loan company, etc. Such is life and being in debt. I think he is more or less being mae the patsy in her whole situation. I think she just is hating that she has to work so hard and then at the end she doesn't have much monetary compensation left to do the things she wants. WHO DOES?

I can understand everyone having their opinion on this tpic and many others on these boards. My itch is that everyone is so quick to jump to the extreme of, jerk, con artist, cheap, leave him, he has done this before, etc.

Really, the girl came here for some comforting about her situation and a little advice and 50% of the replies have told her to ditch the guy? THAT IS WHY OUR DIVORCE RATE IS SO HIGH! NO MATTER HOW SMALL THE PROBLEM IT IS USED AS AN EXCUSE AND REASON TO BE HAPPIER SOMEWHERE ELSE. GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR HUSBAND OR WIFE TO COME ON HERE AND ASK ABOUT WHY YOU SQUEEZE THE TOOTHPASTE FROM THE MIDDLE AND END UP GETTING A BUNCH OF PEOPLE TELLING THEM YOUR MARRIAGE IS DOOMED BECAUSE YOU ARE SO INCONSIDERATE.

It comes down to being a positive influence. I am pretty sure a lot of people on here if not all are carrying some emotional baggage and damage from something in their pasts, but don't ruin other lives because you are so quick to judge because of your experience. You are giving conditioned responses instead of well thought out advice.

Small problems are easy to work out if there is a little support for the relationship. It is when there is no support system that the little problems turn to big and turn to good relationships ending prematurely.

THis post wasn't saying anything really about the relationship in the OP, just tryig to make my pint of people spouting off.

N0help4u
Feb 3, 2008, 11:25 AM
He originally wanted me to pay for half of every bill
I am currently paying over 1/3 of what the bills are but I also have students loans/car payment/insurance/credit cards etc.
By the time I am done paying bills for the month and buying some groceries i have about $50 left to my name.
he always has his hand out for money.

He also hates going out bc he does not want to pay for anything but when he does pay for something for me, he likes to constantly remind me that he paid for that time we went out.
Also, for Christmas he will only spend as much on me as what i can afford to buy for him.


Then what do these mean??

By the time I am done paying bills for the month and buying some groceries --she didn't say buying groceries was in the original agreement already that is taking from HER money.
he always has his hand out for money
She also implies that when they go anywhere she is the one that has to pay for everything
And if he does he holds it over her.

And you figure she does say he leaves her with only $50.00
So how do you figure he isn't taking more than the agreed amount.

talaniman
Feb 3, 2008, 11:33 AM
Also, for Christmas he will only spend as much on me as what I can afford to buy for him. He claims he never has any money but whenever he wants something he buys it and is currently looking at buy a $55,000 car while I am struggling to get by. Am I greedy or is he really just cheap?

Her money is tight, so she is mad he would be spending on himself, rather than help her more. She only pays a third as it is.

bizygurl
Feb 3, 2008, 11:39 AM
We are all guilty on here, myself included for either something negative about her or negative about him. Its either 'how dare he let her live this way"...or "she's a gold digger" and shes got to live with it. By the way the OP puts it she defenitly paints her man in a bad light, Is she telling the truth? probably. I think why so many people are flabbergasted as to why some on here are looking at it from the man's point of view is that these guys may have been in this situation or knew someone it happend to. For all we know this guy could have had a fair money agreement with her in the past and she spent more money on stuff that she "didn't' need then spent on things she needed to pay for like bills and such. I could understand him being like "forget that" were splitting it in half. HE also may have reservations on the relationship, we are forgetting.. they have only been dating for 7months, which by today's standards isn't that long, he may not want to feel obligated to help her so early in a relationship. Or maybe he's just a rotten jerk.

Remember this is clearly just speculation. But I'm just trying to paint a view of why he may have it the way it is. Some of us are quick to judge her but we are also quick to judge him when we don't know what his side of it is.

As I said about oh, don't know 5 times on here already.. (going for 6) the answer is to sit down and talk, if he's not willing to give, she's still unhappy.. then she needs to leave simple as that.

talaniman
Feb 3, 2008, 11:41 AM
and you figure she does say he leaves her with only $50.00
So how do you figure he isn't taking more than the agreed amount.
By the time I am done paying bills for the month and buying some groceries I have about $50 left to my name.
She can't keep the original agreement, and cutting it to a third, still is not making her happy.Should she be staying for free? She is in way over her head.

N0help4u
Feb 3, 2008, 11:50 AM
She is in over her head but
Even with her only paying 1/3 of the bills
I still get the feeling from what she has said that the groceries which weren't in the original agreement make up the difference from 1/3 to 1/2 and that is probably why she only wants to pay 1/3 now. As well as him having 'his hand out for more' as I have stated in my other replies for us to make any conclusions she needs to answer how much she is handing him when he has his hand out.

You figure she must make $2,100. A month and after what she puts into the house and her student loan/car payments/insurance/credit cards. She could be saying she is giving him a hundred or two over her agreement so it is pointless to try and figure out until she breaks it down.

talaniman
Feb 3, 2008, 12:02 PM
Just me, but playing house after 7 months is not all that wise to begin with, and leads me to believe she was moving to fast from the get go.

wewed100606
Feb 3, 2008, 12:08 PM
she is in over her head but
Even with her only paying 1/3 of the bills
I still get the feeling from what she has said that the groceries which weren't in the original agreement make up the difference from 1/3 to 1/2 and that is probably why she only wants to pay 1/3 now. As well as him having 'his hand out for more' as I have stated in my other replies for us to make any conclusions she needs to answer how much she is handing him when he has his hand out.

You figure she must make $2,100. a month and after what she puts into the house and her student loan/car payments/insurance/credit cards. She could be saying she is giving him a hundred or two over her agreement so it is pointless to try and figure out until she breaks it down.


NO WHERE DOES IT SAY "HIS GROCERIES"! Quit assuming everything she buys is for both of them. You know that's not the way people work.

As long as we are in the mood to speculate. How about we speculte on who pays for the lawnmower gas, who pays for the plumber to fix the pipes, who paid for all the furnishings in the house, who pays for homeowners insurance, who pays for property taxes, who paid for the dishes she eats off, who pays for the frunace filters, who pay to get the sprinkler system blown out, who pays for landcaping, and on and on and on... I BET IT ISN'T HER! THe man picks up more incidientals than you can shake a stick at and ANY HOMEOWNER KNOWS THAT!

As for the Christmas thing... do you know why people set $$ amounts for secret santa and gift exchanges? TO avoid making anyone feel bad! My wife and I always spend the same amount on each other. THe holidays are about giving and feeling good about it. No working to by your man a $20 DVD and then feeling bad and unfi because he bought you a $600 Coach Bag.

There is nothing wrong with spending the same amoutn on the holidays... it just goes to show she wants to be spoiled... and what girl doesn't, but it isn't a write of passage.

wewed100606
Feb 3, 2008, 12:10 PM
Once again sorry for the missing letters... my laptop keyboard has an issue or three.

N0help4u
Feb 3, 2008, 12:11 PM
Like I said she has to come back to clarify because either way is assumption

Besides if she has to buy HER groceries and not his then to me that still shows that he is
Being petty with money and still a business relationship than a relationship which is my main point.

And how is she going to grocery shop and split the his and her grocery thing?

Alty
Feb 3, 2008, 12:30 PM
Wow, could we get more off topic, and I thought I was the bad one:p . I started the new post so that we could feel free to discuss this topic without basing it on this OP, I think the other post is going very well, no name calling no back stabbing (so far;) )

I'm like the rest of you, I promised myself I wouldn't post anything further here but I can't help myself. Come on everyone, lets try to be nice to each other, I know that we sometimes say things before thinking it through, I know I have, but let's let by-gones be by-gones and realize that we aren't going to agree on this because of our past experiences. We aren't therapists, we cannot answer these questions without emotion, really, let it go, the OP doesn't even care what we have to say. I wish all of you the best. Wear your friendship bracelets and start singing.:)

Sand Daddy
Feb 3, 2008, 12:52 PM
Wow! I think this topic has been beat to death! If I were this chick, after reading these threads, I would probably never post here again! Lol

TrueFaith
Feb 3, 2008, 01:34 PM
Got to go down in some books

Her first post and over 150 replys

I bet she thinks we really helpful :D


Damn it I posted again!

LoL

Curlyben
Feb 3, 2008, 04:50 PM
As this thread has degenerated and unacceptable, vengeful repping is occurring it is now CLOSED.
If you have a problem with this PM me.