Nothing wrong at all Kaneda.

Whatever works for you is all that matters.

Hang in there, there will be light at the end of the tunnel soon enough.

Kaneda, that's the right thing to do...

Not only will you get over the problems your having now, you will be learning skills that will carry you through the rest of your life..

-----
An update on me, going on somewhere around a month plus some of NC. I have been feeling good lately. Keeping busy, going out, talking to people I haven't talked to in years. It feels good to be building my network a little bigger.

Odd turn last night, ex's step sister told me that I "have to go to the bar" with her and her friends soon. Just as friends, don't worry, but she says she is making sure I have fun this summer as "I have been neglected of fun for quite some time".

Go figure...

I wasn't and am not looking for a response.

I think that it was my way of saying that I'm done with you.

I have no intentions of talking to her again unless she makes contact. Even then, I doubt that I'll call her back. I am beginning to realize that she isn't worth my time and that I need to start looking forward instead of looking back.

I already realized that I don't want the relationship with her back because it wasn't as good as I thought it was while I was in it. It's just been hard to walk away from her and who she is. The thing is though, she is clearly not who she made herself out to be in the relationship and instead of still liking her, I am beginning to despise the person that she has become. Definitely not someone who I would deal with at the best of times. Maybe that's her way of dealing with the end maybe it's just her, but I don't need to worry about that. I just need to look out for me and that is what I have been starting to do.

Day 1 is now on. No time frame to talk to her again...

Good luck movinrightalong..
I was at the same stage too - I despise who she's turned into, but really - it doesn't matter.
I'm important (or in this case YOU) :P
I'll cross my fingers for you

but I don't need to worry about that. I just need to look out for me and that is what I have been starting to do.

Day 1 is now on. No time frame to talk to her again...

Exactly!!

I'm glad you've got your head on straight...

Sigh,today is the day i decided to seek professional help.Yes,indeed its THAT bad. While Losingit77 is slowly moving on 2 months after the break up of a 4+ year (was it?) relationship,i am in month 5 of my depression over losining a relationship of 5 (FIVE) months.So yeah,professional help, i'm a comin'!


I never understand why seeing a professional is considered a bad idea. There's nothing wrong at all with it and people who say otherwise are probably the ones who should see one the most. I had a friend who had some problems (not related to breakups, just overall depression) and I recommended therapy to her on several occasions. She kept telling me she couldn't because her mother would be upset. I kept pointing out she was 26 years old and her mother didn't control her anymore but she used that excuse and finally I said "if you broke your arm would your mother tell you not to see a doctor?" Of course not was the answer and the same can be said for emotional or psychological help. If something is wrong there is no shame in seeking out help to fix it.

Also, I just want to say as a non-professional your depression may not be linked to the breakup but something completely different.

Nothing to feel bad about with seeking the assistance of professional help... I have been going to a therapist for 2 years.. off and on. I have probably gone about 15 times in all. People always think that people that see a therapist have a screw loose, not the case, I would consider myself a normal guy and I find that a therapist could help a lot of people through their rough patches. I know I could get myself through all this on my own but talking with a trained professional has gotten me threw things quicker and with a better understanding of them. I mean my insurance pays for it so why not take advantage of a great tool. Funny thing is that I started seeing my therapist because of the turmoil my girlfriend has put me through, and every meeting with her has been about her... I mean that alone should let me know that I am way better off without her right??

I have some small items from my ex (car remote, some vitamins etc... ). I have been NC with her for 1.5 months now. Should I just throw the items out, give them to a mutual friend and ask him to tell her that he has some of her stuff, or email her tell her that she can get her stuff from him?

What is deemed "proper" in this situation?

As long as they aren't valuable its probably safe to just get rid of them, or pack them away and wait to see if she wants them. If she hasn't brought them up yet, it probably isn't that important. I wouldn't initiate communication if your only a month and a half in, you can never be too careful.

Hang on to them and wait and see if she ever asks for them, or just throw them out. She went without them for a month and a half, I doubt they are that important.

What is deemed "proper" in this situation?
Put them in a box and store them in a closet. For now, stay with no contact and heal, and let things concerning your ex, go until you are better able to deal with it. Not now.

Is giving them to a friend and just saying "give these to her" contact though?

Do you want her to think that your sitting around thinking about her?

Do you want to risk her calling you because you just opened the door for communication?

Would you be able to handle talking to her if she were to call?

If not, would it crush you to ignore her phone call?

... you decide

I am not arguing with you, you have good advice. But if I just give them to a friend, doesn't that send the message that I didn't want to contact her and that I moved on from where we were? Or is total NC usually the best. I don't think she'd call me. Yesterday was my birthday, she didn't call me on that, so Im assuming she's not sitting around thinking about me anyway.

I didn't say you were arguing with me, relax :)

You probably could give her friend the things and let her give them back. That would avoid any direct communication from you to her, but what I am saying is that you have to be sure that on the slight off chance it does happen, you can handle it.

Chances are, nothing will come of it, but I don't want you to give back her things hoping to get a response. I hope you aren't upset about not getting a call on your birthday and trying to use her stuff to stir up a response -- THAT is the wrong thing to do.

If your simply trying to give back her stuff, and you can handle the remote chance that she will try to contact you, then go for it. I just want you to think it through before you do it.

P.S. Happy Birthday :)

Thanks for the advice bigbird. I know you weren't arguing with me, I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate your advice but I respectfully disagreed with part of it.

I'm not trying to use up this stuff to stir up a response, I'm just trying to be the nice guy. I highly incredibly doubt she'd contact me at all. To make a long story short, she abruptly broke up with me due to mental issues she was having and left the door open for us in the future and I know she took the BU very hard (2.5 months ago). Since then, she has cut all contact with me, and even cut out any mutual friends/hobbies that we had. So I highly doubt she will call me thanking me for her stuff.

If its so insignificant, why are you so adament sounding about it, and in such a hurry to be a "nice guy"? Hide the box, and let go! Bring no one into the equation, and deal with you, and not her. Why do I say that? Because its a last ditch effort, to let her know your thinking of her, and you still care, and that is the very attitude that needs to be left in the past. If I'm wrong, then throw the stuff in a box, and forget this whole line of thinking. You have a lot more to deal with than her junk.

Third party contact, is still contact.

Tonight I'm a bit annoyed. For the past few weeks I have been started to wear a chain which my ex bought me again. It says her name on the back of it and tonight I dropped it when I was playing football. Someone came into the changing rooms after the match and had found it and told everyone in the changing rooms what it said on my chain. There is a couple of people that are mutual friends with me and my ex so there is no doubt that they will tell her that I've been wearing the chain :(

I wouldn't worry about it DazT...

Wearing the chain shows that you respect and appreciate what you guys had. It would be much worse for you to throw it away or try to give it back. She gave it to you with every intention of you enjoying it and wearing it, so that's what your doing...

Do you really think she would rather you never wear it? Would you rather she threw away and forgot about everything you ever bought for her? Doubt it..

I wouldn't worry about it DazT...

Wearing the chain shows that you respect and appreciate what you guys had. It would be much worse for you to throw it away or try to give it back. She gave it to you with every intention of you enjoying it and wearing it, so thats what your doing...

Do you really think she would rather you never wear it? Would you rather she threw away and forgot about everything you ever bought for her? Doubt it..

I have to spread the love a little more, but goodness man... the advice from you is immaculate. Keep it up.

Thanks, I'm doing my best to give back :)

Wellll, today I got a call twice from my ex's best friend and once from my ex. Both times I didn't answer. Both left me a voicemail saying "oh yea my friend needs help in a psych course, could you please call her and help her out. I dont know if u're trying to avoid me but this is important".

Later her friend texted me saying that she needed my help. I was like , so I called her and helped her out, kept it to the point and no further.

I don't know if that's breaking NC but I didn't give her the chance to ask me what I did or how I was doing. Just straight to the conversation and that's it.

Well I was doing pretty well, I went out on a date last night with a great guy who is toatally into me maybe a little too much for right now... anyway have been feeling pretty good today but then one of my friends just said they saw an update on my ex's Facebook that he had quit his job, and started another one... it is a weird feeling about hearing him having such a big thing like that happen in his life and not being aware of it. In a way I have this urge to text him and say congrats on the new job, even though I know it would achieve nothing. Don't worry I won't contact him but I hate that the feeling is still there!!

Alright guys i need your help. This is what my ex just sent me on facebook

"Anna(made up name), ill always be there whenever you need me"

those are the words i remember u saying before u dropped me off at my house. and for some odd reason i dont seem to be getting that "friend" vibe from you. u take me of msn, facebook and dont return any of my phone calls...

have u forgotten about ur ex-girlfriend already?

spion_kop, i know your trying to forget about me, and move on, but please see where i'm coming from. i havent spoken to u in sometime now, and i want to see how things are.

today i really wanted some comfort...and u werent there for me. i had a huge fight with my bf, and not that i was turning to u for advice or anything. i just wanted to see how u were doing.

if u really DONT want to be friends with me, please say so. ill have to then continue life without u. i never ever wanted to do that....but please, if u dont want to be friends then just say so. please dont say that u'll be there for me, and then not be there when i need you....

please dont be a stranger..

What to say in return guys

Spion,

I know how tough it is when the ex pushes for contact like that. Personally, I'd ignore it. The straw for me would be the fact that she wants to talk to you about her boyfriend? I mean, honestly, how naïve can you be?

I would take that as a slap in the face and definitely not respond. She is just trying to see if you are there, if you are hurting because it looks like she is missing you. Don't let that bring you back in and ruin the progress your making with NC. It isn't worth it.

Note that I said it looks like she is missing you, but it certainly wouldn't be the first time I've seen an ex say anything they could to make sure the other is sitting by waiting to hear from them. Its an immature way to gain the power back (and for you to lose it).

"today i really wanted some comfort...and u werent there for me. i had a huge fight with my bf, and not that i was turning to u for advice or anything. i just wanted to see how u were doing."

Wow, the nerve she has to say that... leaves you (makes you miserable), finds a new boyfriend right away and thinks you should be there for her when things aren't going her way. I am sure if you did try and talk to her as a friend she would tell you all about the fight...

Walk away from this one buddy, if she is too dense to see that being your friend through all this would be detrimental to you than she really isn't much of a person. When she dumped you she lost everything, including your friendship. Don't respond, its her problem so let her deal with it.

Sorry, if I had received that I wouldn't be too impressed...

Alright guys i need your help. This is what my ex just sent me on facebook

"Anna(made up name), ill always be there whenever you need me"

those are the words i remember u saying before u dropped me off at my house. and for some odd reason i dont seem to be getting that "friend" vibe from you. u take me of msn, facebook and dont return any of my phone calls...

have u forgotten about ur ex-girlfriend already?

spion_kop, i know your trying to forget about me, and move on, but please see where i'm coming from. i havent spoken to u in sometime now, and i want to see how things are.

today i really wanted some comfort...and u werent there for me. i had a huge fight with my bf, and not that i was turning to u for advice or anything. i just wanted to see how u were doing.

if u really DONT want to be friends with me, please say so. ill have to then continue life without u. i never ever wanted to do that....but please, if u dont want to be friends then just say so. please dont say that u'll be there for me, and then not be there when i need you....

please dont be a stranger..

what to say in return guys

Not your problem... what would she say if you asked her for help??

Aw god damn! I'm in the early stages of depression again,and its only day 4 of NC . I sleps for over 10 hours,that's never good.

Spin... reading things like that actually make me angry at how us girls can be sometimes, she still wants your attention even though she choose to end it with it is so selfish of her! I would be toatally gutted if my ex sent something like that to me esp mentioning her new b/f! That is just rude. Ignore her she does not deserve the time of day.

Alright guys i need your help. This is what my ex just sent me on facebook

"Anna(made up name), ill always be there whenever you need me"

those are the words i remember u saying before u dropped me off at my house. and for some odd reason i dont seem to be getting that "friend" vibe from you. u take me of msn, facebook and dont return any of my phone calls...

have u forgotten about ur ex-girlfriend already?

spion_kop, i know your trying to forget about me, and move on, but please see where i'm coming from. i havent spoken to u in sometime now, and i want to see how things are.

today i really wanted some comfort...and u werent there for me. i had a huge fight with my bf, and not that i was turning to u for advice or anything. i just wanted to see how u were doing.

if u really DONT want to be friends with me, please say so. ill have to then continue life without u. i never ever wanted to do that....but please, if u dont want to be friends then just say so. please dont say that u'll be there for me, and then not be there when i need you....

please dont be a stranger..

what to say in return guys

Seems to me like she's poking the bear... she wants you to respond, its her sick little game, let her play it without you. Good on you coming here before you even thought about responding.

If you do respond, she's going to think she's still got you around her finger... listen to Tal's simple, yet great advice: "Disappear". Delete the message and just go along as if you never got it...

I bit when my ex sent me anything, and I regret every time I responded.

I feel for you man, I really do but you got to see what she is doing, and the nerve of telling you about her boyfriend... wow... total lack of respect for you there. Her loss my friend, move on as best you can.

Listening to the talk show on the radio this morning and the guy started talking about something interesting. He went into a tirade about how women take breakups much easier then men do. He also made the point that men will NEVER leave a marriage unless they have someone else waiting on the back burner.

We justified this by saying that as far as breakups go, women are the much stronger sex. They can handle being alone better then men can. When women break up they can generally be honest and mature about it, citing true reasons and being respectful. He also said that men have trouble with this because they are in some ways, inherently dependent on women and not as strong.

In trying to guess why it is that this happens, he speculated it has to do with childhood. The fact that when growing up, Mom is the one who is most often looked up to, the one who takes care of us and the one who fights for us when we need it. Those feelings carry through to adulthood when children move out and get married. (I'm pretty sure there have been studies showing men seek women who are similar to their mother? )

I don't know if I agree with everything, but it was an interesting rant...

Let me say I do not even recommend you start playing this game with her and continue NC. However if you wish to respond to her message I will Chuff a response for you.

[QUOTE=spion_kop]Alright guys i need your help. This is what my ex just sent me on facebook

"Anna(made up name), ill always be there whenever you need me"

those are the words i remember u saying before u dropped me off at my house. and for some odd reason i dont seem to be getting that "friend" vibe from you. u take me of msn, facebook and dont return any of my phone calls...

have u forgotten about ur ex-girlfriend already?

Answer number 1. "I'm sorry who are you"

Answer number 2. Yes I made a commitment to be there for you under the condition you would do the same for me. I appreciate you noticing that my commitment to you was true.

spion_kop, i know your trying to forget about me, and move on, but please see where i'm coming from. i havent spoken to u in sometime now, and i want to see how things are.

Things are great, and in fact things have really gotten better for me in recent weeks so I figured why bring myself back down with the one negative holding me back. As somebody who only wants what is best for me, I'm sure you understand.

today i really wanted some comfort...and u werent there for me. i had a huge fight with my bf, and not that i was turning to u for advice or anything. i just wanted to see how u were doing.

Answer number 1. LOL. I know you wouldn't turn to me for advice, as my advice is geared more toward adult relationships.

Answer number 2. He's tired of your games already huh. I don't blame him.

if u really DONT want to be friends with me, please say so.

Oh I want to be really good... no great friends with you. You have just what I'm looking for in a friend.

ill have to then continue life without u. i never ever wanted to do that....but please, if u dont want to be friends then just say so. please dont say that u'll be there for me, and then not be there when i need you....

I'm not a big soap opera fan but I must ask, what soap opera did you pull this dialogue from? It's very well written and I might like to catch an episode should time permit.

please dont be a stranger..

I'm not a stranger to my friends.

Truthfully I wouldn't respond at all. Right now you are the one with the power and she had a fight with her ex and now wants to pull you from the back burner to stroke her fragile ego and emotions. Really a b*tch move if you want to know the truth. I'd prove to her your stronger then she gives you credit for and just ignore her.

Listening to the talk show on the radio this morning and the guy started talking about something interesting. He went into a tirade about how women take breakups much easier then men do. He also made the point that men will NEVER leave a marriage unless they have someone else waiting on the back burner.

We justified this by saying that as far as breakups go, women are the much stronger sex. They can handle being alone better then men can. When women break up they can generally be honest and mature about it, citing true reasons and being respectful. He also said that men have trouble with this because they are in some ways, inherently dependent on women and not as strong.

In trying to guess why it is that this happens, he speculated it has to do with childhood. The fact that when growing up, Mom is the one who is most often looked up to, the one who takes care of us and the one who fights for us when we need it. Those feelings carry through to adulthood when children move out and get married. (I'm pretty sure there have been studies showing men seek women who are similar to their mother??)

I don't know if I agree with everything, but it was an interesting rant...


I actually looked into this a while back and men commit suicides in greater numbers after marriages fall apart and men do seem to have a harder time with break ups of all kinds then women. Going back to childhood is something that was part of the issue but so is how men and women's head's work. In fact I think you see a lot of it right here on this site. Women think with, use, and understand emotions better then men. From a very young age women talk about men and what they want from them. Men talk about sports or music or anything else but women. That's why women can emotionally pull themselves out a relationship and a man won't even see it happening and then when he gets dumped he will say "I thought everything was great." He thinks logically and when she says "I'll love you forever." and he's really wanting that, he'll believe it. When a man gets dumped he can't turn to his friends because they'll make fun of him and quite honestly they don't want to hear him go on and on. Part of that problem is when a man does talk about his emotions, other men don't know how to respond to it, even if they've been in a bad break up themselves. We think logically and we have a hard time relating to emotions and how to resolve those issues, even if we ourselves have lived through it.

Its funny chuff, the same guy on the radio mentioned the suicide numbers as well. I guess it just goes to show that women and men won't ever understand each other :)

You bring up a good point though. Through family, friends and the media these days, from a young age I think men are taught that it isn't right to show emotion and they aren't a real man unless they can hide it all... Probably doesn't help!

Thanks a lot you guys. I think I'm just going to ignore it. She called me sooo many times that day and I ignored all her calls. The ball is in my court and what she is doing is selfish and immature. See I knew that this was going to happen. They haven't even been going out for a month!!

Some of my friend's told me to respond in a very cold way but I think not responding is the best possible response I could give her. I decided to sleep on it so I could think with a clear head and continuing NC is the best thing.

Thanks a lot you guys

Its funny chuff, the same guy on the radio mentioned the suicide numbers as well. I guess it just goes to show that women and men won't ever understand each other :)

You bring up a good point though. Through family, friends and the media these days, from a young age I think men are taught that it isn't right to show emotion and they aren't a real man unless they can hide it all....Probably doesn't help!


I agree, and you know even looking back on my own relationships women don't like it when you start showing too much emotion which has always been one of my biggest... if not my biggest problem since I'm an emotional guy. I never notice it when it's happening but I can look back and logically see what happened. Women don't want to help a guy who is "emotionally weak" and men don't know how to do it so a man can be caught in a tough spot with no where to turn so eventually his brain will turn on himself which can only make it worse.

Thanks a lot you guys. I think I'm just going to ignore it. She called me sooo many times that day and i ignored all her calls. The ball is in my court and what she is doing is selfish and immature. See i knew that this was going to happen. They havent even been going out for a month!!!

Some of my friend's told me to respond in a very cold way but I think not responding is the best possible response i could give her. I decided to sleep on it so i could think with a clear head and continuing NC is the best thing.

Thanks a lot you guys


I agree with you. The temptation is always to respond cold and tell her off but that only lets her know you still have emotions for her. Not responding at all does mean you have to bite your tongue but other then calling her a few things where exactly will you be when it's done? In the same place and in fact perhaps a few steps behind because she once again has the power over you knowing she can get a response from you. By not contacting her at all you show her through actions that you show her you are stronger then she gave you credit for, which means she's wrong and you are right, and it also shows her your not under her emotional control.

Her and her best friend have been trying to get a hold of me throughout this weekend. At first I was laughing but then the calls wouldn't stop and then she sent me that message. So I thought before I did anything I would see what the general opinion would be.

I told her to leave me alone and to not contact me ever again. She said I wouldn't last a week and it's been longer than that. I see as this being a ploy for me to break NC. I'm not falling for it. If she really wants to talk to me she has to come to my doorstep as that is the only way I can't ignore her.

Spion,

Good work. By not responding you are showing your maturity to her. She is sounding desperate. She called you out on a week, and you showed her up - she doesn't like that. Rest assured if you're the nice guy and talk her through her problem, a few days later she'll be happy again and you won't be needed anymore.

Keep at it bud.

DUDE, I didn't realize that. OMG, You are kicking her sorry a$$ at her own game!!

Even though it's short I must Chuff this!


Her and her bestfriend have been trying to get a hold of me throughout this weekend.

I love it. She's losing so bad at her emotional game that she now has incorporated her friend. A$$ kicking number 1.


At first i was laughing but then the calls wouldnt stop and then she sent me that message. So i thought before i did anything i would see what the general opinion would be.

Bro, you should still be laughing even with the general opinion being that you are right. She's the one desperate here, even with your emotions running high she's the one playing all her cards while you sit back and watch her crumble. Kicking number 2.


I told her to leave me alone and to not contact me ever again. She said i wouldnt last a week and it's been longer than that.

She was wrong. A$$ kicking number 3.

She is also the one who didn't last. A$$ kicking number 4.


I see as this being a ploy for me to break NC. I'm not falling for it.

It is a ploy and you see it. A$$ kicking number 5.


If she really wants to talk to me she has to come to my doorstep as that is the only way i can't ignore her.

If you have a peep hole do not answer the door.

If not answer and say, "As you know, I am a gentleman, and I didn't want you to become an embarassment to your family but if you do not quit stalking me I will have to get a restraining order. Have a great day."

Had to spread it chuff, but that was great. Spion, reading your post put me in a good mood... thanks :)

I have a pretty strong right foot if your looking for #6...

Haha chuffffff, that's what I've been thinking. She wants a response from me but it's not going to work. The biggest motivation I got was for her telling me that I wouldn't last and that has driven me on. Not only did I take her off the pedestal but I've put myself on it. I'm not going to compromise my emotions for hers.

Had to spread it chuff, but that was great. Spion, reading your post put me in a good mood...thanks :)

I have a pretty strong right foot if your looking for #6...


I have a strong feeling he's going to give it to her!

Haha chuffffff, that's what i've been thinking. She wants a response from me but it's not gonna work. The biggest motivation i got was for her telling me that i wouldnt last and that has driven me on. Not only did i take her off the pedestal but i've put myself on it. I'm not going to compromise my emotions for hers.

She so stupid, she never knew stopped playing her emotional games to see how emotionally strong you were. A$$ kicking number 6.

Women think with, use, and understand emotions better then men.
That's why Samson never had a chance.

Um, can someone remind my ex boyfriend that he broke up with almost 2 months ago? And the last time we spoke (where he told me he missed me soooo much but also reiterated that he just wanted our relationship to be over) I told him I didn't want to hear from him for a really long time. He agreed to not talking for a "really long time". Apparently, a "really long time" in his book only equates to about a week. Seriously, come on guy! I know I'm awesome but do you really have to text me a week later to remind me that you miss me? Haha.. sucker. I didn't respond. Don't have even the slightest inclination to feed his ego. He can go cry is heart out like I did for a month.

Doesn't he know that I've met about 10 better guys since he left me (15 if you count all you guys on here), and 2 guys that I'm seriously considering dating (sorry chuff, you're not one of the 2.. I don't do long distance)... haha (that's my evil laugh).

Message to lousy "confused" lonely ex-bf: If you don't treat your girl right, someone else will do it for you. (I stole that line from another post but its SO TRUE!)

BTW, I wish I could change my screen name from "losingit77" to "winningit77". Doesn't he know... in this game of life, I always come out on top! : )

It's all right losingit, you know what you need to do and you know your perfectly capable of doing it. Let him get over it on his own, like you had to.

As far as my NC, it has been going pretty well. Lately I have been worried that she is going to email/call me. I don't know why, but it seems to be a trend for ex's to call between the 1 and 2 month mark of NC and I really don't want that to happen. Its not that talking to her would bring me back to thinking of getting back together, but I'm afraid that I would have trouble telling her to not call me - it would hurt me to be mean to her, even though I know it isn't mean beucause she has to understand.

Whatever, it hasn't happened - I'm done worrying about it.

Keep it up everyone.

Yea that's weird bigbird... I know what you mean. I don't want my ex to call me but I don't want to tell her to stop. I don't want to be mean either, it really doesn't make sense why we think that way, guess we really are too nice haha. She texted me tonight... Asking when I am going to be in the new city she moved to. I had told her before that sometime this week I would be there to hand out my resume for a job I want there. She had asked me before to visit her when I did and I told her no. I haven't responded to it, but I almost feel like telling her when I will be there but then ignoring her calls or texts when I am there... Stupid I know, I don't think I will respond at all. I will be staying with a girl and she knows this so I think she is feeling a bit jealous, best let her stew about what I am up to.

Big bird & northern,

Good work on the NC all round, its def the best way forward. After about a month and then two months I got a couple of emails from my ex, didn't say much just that she was thinking of me etc. basically nothing I wanted to hear at the time. It just stirred up more confusion for me, and set my healing back. Check out my questions for what happened.

I would say that whilst part of you wants contact from them, hell part of me still does, it is best if they don't. It is better for you to graduallly move on, and get that great person back who is you, but has just lost their way. The confusion I got from the contact I received set me back a good way in my healing.

Now on day 70ish of NC, things are much much better. Haven't forgotten her, still think of her, but am so much better. I' m even crashing and burning in style again when chatting up new girls I meet!

I'm not really interested in dating anyone yet, just enjoying my own company at the moment and hanging out with my mates.

Stick with the NC, you will gradually get better, I am proof of that.

Jp,

I think you sort of nailed it on the head for me. While contact from her does nothing but screw me up... I mean her one message asking when would I be in her new city was short. But it instantly made me upset, and made for a rough morning. But at the same time for some reason I still want her to contact me, so I know she is still thinking of me.

I am glad you are feeling a lot better it gives me hope, day 70 is way off for me... Been 30 days since the break up, but I have broken NC about 5 times after she initiated contact. I think the whole sleeping with her a week ago really set me back to day one (ha ha you think?). Should have listened to big bird on that one and not let her come over. Live and learn I guess.

Also I might as well confess something, I cracked this morning. (I find mornings brutal) I texted her back and just said Friday. I am not going to respond to anymore, for some reason I felt like telling her that so she knows I will be there but than can't have me. I should really just go total NC, I know this girl isn't good for me, and I know I don't even want to be with her... I am just prolonging my suffering. I am sure she will call me Friday, I'll let you now how that goes. :s

JPM,

I didn't mean my message to convey that I wanted contact from her. In fact, I meant the opposite. I know that contact from her might or might not screw me up. I think I could probably handle it but don't want to risk it. And the reason for my post was mostly because I am afraid that she might contact me. I have to mail her something, so I was worried that it might be a reason for her to contact me.

Trust me, I meant pretty much the opposite. I Don't want contact, in fact a little scared that she'll try :)

Soo I am stupid once again, got home last night and our fuse box blew strait away the first person I want to call is my ex cause he is an electrican, so ring him just to see if he could talk me through fixing the switches I totatlly could not work it out so said I would ask the next door neighbour and my ex was like I will come and fix it I said no don't worry and hung up. He text straight away saying he would come round tonight or tomorrow I knew I would be easy enough to fix and the neighbour did it no problem, I text my ex back and said it was all good now and he was text back saying who fixed it I am meant to be your hero! So weird how willing he was to come around to fix it when he knew someone else could do it. Also stupid that I contacted him about it but that was my reaction I kind of freaked out and knew he would know what to do...

I wish I could do no contact :( unfortunately I have a child with mine

It's day 6 and I'm still hanging on,but the real rough days are just ahead.Day 7/8 is when I TWICE broke NC.I hope I don't fall into that pit of despair again.

I just had this idea after reading Mik's post.

How about if we use this thread to count the NC days, all of us? Each one would mention how long he/she's been maintaining the NC period and how he/she feels with time.
Maybe in some way this can help us all (including me)?

This is my first NC day.. Afternoon here, so far didn't even touch my phone. I don't know how I feel, but I'm not that miserable, I have a goal and thinking about it, NOT HER!

What about the rest of you?
Wow, I guess the last time I had contact with her was... 2,3 months ago. We talked for an hour. She told me she was getting married for him to have a green card. ("I'm not with him", she said)..? Anyway, she said she would call me back. It was so good to hear her voice. I didn't like the news but I took it well. She even was surprised that I was so supportive. I was so bad to her for the 4 years we were together. I broke up with her about every 3 to 4 months then would ask to get back together. Then I finally moved across the country (broke her heart) then, 3 months later found out that I was in love with her. We talked for a period of about 4 months then she stopped calling because she didn't want to lead me on. A couple months later, I flew to where she was ($900 ticket) to profess my love to her. She said, "Why don't you get a girlfriend" I was crushed. I'm still crushed. It's been a year and a half since I've moved away from her. I know it's over. Still, I think she might call... she won't . I know. She's my #1 friend on MySpace. I keep thinking I should move her down. I ended the relationship. I'm such a jerk. I know I need to move on. I'd like to contact her one more time just say that we could be friends. Not that she has to contact me like a friend would but, I guess for her to know that I want her to be happy and have a good life even if we never speak again. I have tears in my eye while writing this. I don't know if it's because I've been so bad to her or I just wish I could have her back. I'm confused but I know I need to move on. I'm going to start on that list: "Things to do after a break up" I miss her so much. I thought she was the one but I don't blame her at all for protecting herself from someone like me and respecting and loving herself enough to be strong and say, "no more". I sucked her dry. She told me that she had nothing left. I left her cause I knew I was being bad to her. I don't know why she kept coming back to me for the 4 years we were "together". I also don't know why after 5 months of no contact, I was one of the first people she told that she was getting married. Thank you in advance for reading this. I know it was a long post.

Stuck,

I'm glad you worked out your issues with the relationship and recognize that it isn't something that you want to do again. You need to be careful to make sure you learn from your past relationships so that future ones can be more rewarding and fulfilling.

I don't know why she told you she was getting married, but if she is marrying people so they can get a green card, I think she has a few issues that need examining. Marriage isn't something that most people would play with like that (according to the state, she most definitely is with him.)

I don't think that she blames you for what you did, based on what you write, as she tried to talk to you afterward and had the decency to tell you that she didn't want to lead you on. Cut your losses, acknowledge that she isn't coming back, and work on becoming a happier, more whole you.

Good luck

Hey all,

I came on here to write about how I was having a bad morning, but my mood has since changed. The last few nights I have had dreams about her (some being intimate and others about her wanting to come back and me not wanting her to) so I have woken up slightly upset in the mornings.

In any case, I was going to write about that and hope to get some advice to feel better then I discovered what I was doing wrong. The last few days I haven't spent much time answering questions as I have been busy with work. I spent a good 45 minutes this morning answering questions and I realized that immersing myself in other peoples questions and problems truly helps me to take the focus off my own problems and put me in a better mood.

Just some advice for those having problems - the questions on here are a great distraction and help you to gain insight on questions you didn't even know you had :)

Hey guys, my jealousy course has just reminded me that it's been 6 months and I have to write about how I feel now that it's been that amount of time. So far I have a page, probably end at about 2 pages but I can realize just by my writing from here and on the paper that I have come a long way from the wimpy guy who first posted on her about how my ex was the best thing to ever happen to me.

Keep your heads up everyone, I recommend everyone should write a little essay by the time the 6 month period hits. It's truly eye opening to see how you are, while writing it I realized that I no longer hate my ex, and while I didn't want the relationship to end, I know it took a lot of her to end it. Some may not agree with that statement but it's how I see it.

didn't want the relationship to end, I know it took a lot of her to end it. Some may not agree with that statement but it's how I see it.
You have come far, and hope you realise your in a very good place, when you can let go of those negative feelings. Has it been 6 months?

I know it took a lot of her to end it. Some may not agree with that statement but it's how I see it.

I agree with that statement 100%.

During my first breakup, I spent too much time wondering why it happened and being angry with her for doing it to me.

The second time around, this realization came much quicker and you really do start to appreciate how much it takes for the other person to do what they did. In all honesty, it requires courage - sometimes courage I wonder if I would have had.

Anyone who has been in a situation of "I don't want to be the first to say we both know its over" knows what I'm saying...

Bravo Rome...

Tal, yea I know, my friend and I were discussing it this morning and we both couldn't believe its been 6 months. Thanks for saying I have come so far and yes, I do realize that I am in a very good place. While I think anger is good at first for a break up I think you eventually have to let it go.

I've had a bit of relapse I must admit. She came by yesterday for business reasons. Nothing really was said there but after she left I just couldn't shake the thought of her for most of the day and into the evening. It's funny because on Monday I was in complete control and haven't really even thought about her since then and then I get a reminder, in the form of her, nothing was really stated but I haven't forgot about her since yesterda. By the way folks, this is why you never date someone you work with... and I don't even work with her, we just work in the same building but for two different companies. It is impossible to shake them once they are gone.

Yeah, its weird when you come through all the pain and anger and realize the breakup was something you actually wanted all along. You just couldn't be the one to do it. For the last year of our relationship, I actually thought about us breaking up every day. Knew it was the right thing to do... just couldn't see my life afterwards. Wow! My ex was right. During the whole breakup, he kept saying, "losinit, you know you're not happy. you know this is no good. you know i'm not making you happy anymore, all i do is bring you pain."

Gosh, he was right! 2 months, and I'm really starting to feel like my old self again. Sure, I miss talking to him, miss having him as a friend, but this is for the best. No more drama, no more pain, no more tears.

Been dreaming about him lately. Doesn't really bother me though. I'll have nothing but fond memories of him always. I'll always try to remember him as my sweet guy, and not the bs we put each other through at the very end.

Losingit, I'm glad to see you let go of that anger you had a few weeks ago.

It helps for a time, but in the long run is destructive.

Yeah, I'm not going to lie. Sometimes I got to bring the anger back up if I start to get too nostalgic. But honestly, I do wish him the best in the future and I do still care about him immensely. However, I definitely don't want to know anything about his life right now. Not ready for any "friendly" conversations. And no matter how good I've been feeling lately, I know I won't be ready for that for a very long time.

Lesson learned. From now on, I only put 100% into a relationship with someone who is returning that. And I'm never going to put someone else's happiness before mine. I really lost myself and my own life for a while and I couldn't be happier to have it back.

Well,Losingit77, at least you guys wish each other well. Whereas when I wished him all the best (honestly) he responded with "Yeah ,well you dont deserve a "farewell,live and prosper",so you're not getting one". Seriously, shouldn't the dumpee be so bitter?

Still on day6. I'm holding out, though I am online with an "invisible" status on to keep an eye on him... Today is well... a big day for him... so don't know,I'm hanging around for a bit but NO TALKING.

Still on day6. I'm holding out, though I am online with an "invisible" status on to keep an eye on him...

I don't think keeping an eye will help you. It will only keep you wondering and will not help you with your healing. Sometimes when people break up with us they say mean things. Sometimes because at that moment they may want to be left alone, and especially if we don't give them that space, they can get frustrated hence saying some hurtful things, whether they mean it. It still can hurt. Give him space as well as yourself. And don't keep an eye out on him. Especially if he is not thinking about you. Just take this time and do things you like and not wait for him to call or text or say hey I made a mistake, it may never happen.

Take it one day at a time, the first step is acceptance that it is over, and then from there you can start healing.

Good luck

kaneda, you should really delete him off your online buddy list. It's borderline stalking if you keep invisible but keep checking his away messages or profile. You're only impeding your own recovery with this because if you see "out with *enter girls name*" you're going to get upset and fly onto this site and complain, where we will only tell you to delete him off the list. Trust me, get rid of his myspace, Facebook, bebo, phone number, AIM address... Everything

Well,Losingit77, at least you guys wish each other well. Whereas when i wished him all the best (honestly) he responded with "Yeah ,well you dont deserve a "farewell,live and prosper",so you're not getting one". Seriously, shouldnt the dumpee be so bitter?

Still on day6. I'm holding out, though i am online with an "invisible" status on to keep an eye on him ... Today is well ... a big day for him... so dunno,i'm hanging around for a bit but NO TALKING.


Lose all contact of him. This is only holding you back. In fact I can say in my own case that this is exactly what is stopping me, I have to see her and interact with her. If you don't have to, why punish yourself anymore.

Well,Losingit77, at least you guys wish each other well. Whereas when i wished him all the best (honestly) he responded with "Yeah ,well you dont deserve a "farewell,live and prosper",so you're not getting one". Seriously, shouldnt the dumpee be so bitter?

Still on day6. I'm holding out, though i am online with an "invisible" status on to keep an eye on him ... Today is well ... a big day for him... so dunno,i'm hanging around for a bit but NO TALKING.

In case the other 5 responses didn't sink in ill say the same thing.

Get rid of him from your buddy list. The idea behind no contact is to make sure you don't know anything about them. You found a loophole, and its going to come back to bite you in the a$$. You don't need to keep an eye on him.

The whole process is easier when you realize you know nothing about what's going on with them.

Fair play if you can wish your exes all the best. There will always be a part of me that will be bitter that she dumped me, probably because of the things she said during the relationship that made me believe she really did want to be with me. Alas in the end she didn't.

So whilst I still think of her, and remember her fondly and kind of still hope in a way she may contact me, I am much better, can certainly think of a bright future with someone else for sure, as she is not worth wasting my thoughts on. The bitterness will probably always be there to be honest, so I have desire to ever see or hear from her again.

Just the way I feel, and I'm totally fine with that.

Onwards and upwards bank holiday weekend, got a roller disco on Saturday night, lol!

I cannot roller, but I sure can disco, should be a blast!

If someone wants you


If he/she wants you nothing can't keep them away
If they don't want you nothing can make them stay
The volume on your intuition is turned up don't ignore it
Don't make justification for their improper behavior
If they mistreated you why are you moping around as if they were the best thing in the universe? (Unless you like the abuse which I highly doubt)
Don't try to change yourself in the liking of your mate.
Don't try to make them happy if you are not happy.
If someone has mistreated you in your relationship and want to remain friends decline! Friends don't mistreat friends.
Don't stay with the hopes it will get better, you will only resent it in the long run, and dwindle in misery for letting time pass.
Avoid conflict with kids mother/father drama.
Don't share friends, your partner friends should not be your friends.
Always be true speak your mind to your mate
You can't change anyone's behavior they have to change themselves
Don't ever put your partner on a pedestal and make them more important than you are.
If they cheated with you they will cheat on you!
Don't always be responsible for arguments even when you know they are wrong
Never look for someone to complete you, each person need to be THEIR own individual. Someone complimentary not supplementary.
There is nothing wrong with dating..
Don't always be available give each other space they will come around when they miss you.
Don't commit to anyone who is not giving you all you want DO NOT lower your standards.
Don't let anyone manipulate your mental state by telling you what you want to hear instead of showing you what you need to see.
Don't neglect your hygiene and wonder why he/she don't want to get intimate with you.
Stalking, harassing, prying, assuming, plundering, into your partner's personal belongings are NOT ADVISABLE you may find what you deserve.. Curiosity killed the cat!

Kaneda - Trust me, don't keep an eye on him! I did last time we broke up. For 2 months I knew every phone call he made, every post on myspace. It only made my life miserable. By holding onto the past, you're missing out on the present and delaying the future. Don't look back!

With this our final breakup, I'm 2 months into the break up again and I feel 1000% better than I did last time at the same time mark. You know why? Cause I know NOTHING!! Its great. Its only been 2 months but by remaining out of his life, its been able to give me the feeling that its actually been over for a lot longer than that. Why? Because he's not part of my life. I'm not living my life as if he's still part of it (by checking up on him, etc.). He's out of my life. I have a new life. And its sooo much better. Don't waste any more of your precious time on someone who's not wasting a second of their time on you.

Gosh, I've come a long way in a couple of weeks. Today's actually 2 months exactly since we broke up and it feels like so much time has passed (in a good way). I feel stronger, more confident, and more "me" than I have in a long time. And people are definitely noticing! Rock on! Being single and free really ain't that bad! In fact, it's a heckuva lot better than being in a unhappy relationship!

Thank you all. Actually this is the last piece of "contact" we have left .His phone number is different now,he has no regular email,doesn't use Facebook or MS. Just this IM account and who knows for how long since every once in a while he changes it. I was actually waiting for the moment he does exactly this and I would see first hand - I can not reach him anymore ever. I know that when this day comes I'll be in great pain, but it will finally be over. Its just today that I was keeping an eye on him, I deleted my old IM-user and just made this "ghost" one some time later,but rarely use it at all.
I like having to restrain myself from contacting him via IM, because it helps me build willpower, patience and discipline. It does, however, turn into a setback once I try to write something - which I am NOT intending to do. So no worries, I am logged off as we speak :)
P.S I'm having a good friend over for a nice long weekend so I wouldn't even think of contacting him. Buu-yeah!

Yea losingit, totally agree on shutting them out of your life. I have blocked and deleted her IM, her Facebook, and actually went as far as deleting 6 of her friends that I had on my Facebook. She has also texted me a couple times from her new number but I always make sure not to look at the number and delete it. I couldn't call or text her if I wanted. I don't want to know anything. Ignorance is bliss if you ask me.

Just when I thought I was out!!

OK so I went out, bought a new phone just so I wouldn't be waiting on any texts coming through but I didn't think of bebo lol.

Basically a few weeks ago I sent my ex a message saying I loved her and she was the one for me.

Today she replies...

Hey I got your message, in the library using their computers because my interent still won't be up 4 sometime. I have changed my number on my other fone but still have the number which you have.
Do you still mean and e of those things you wrote in that message?
Steph
I have added you as a friend because that's what I want you to be


Now I'm back to square one again, dam women lol

Just when I thought I was out!!

OK so I went out, bought a new phone just so I wouldn't be waiting on any texts coming through but I didn't think of bebo lol.

Basically a few weeks ago I sent my ex a message saying I loved her and she was the one for me.

Today she replies...

Hey I got your message, in the library using their computers because my interent still won't be up 4 sometime. I have changed my number on my other fone but still have the number which you have.
Do you still mean and e of those things you wrote in that message?
Steph
I have added you as a friend because that's what I want you to be


Now I'm back to square one again, dam women lol

Just disregard the message, friends is not where you want to be right now until you are comfortable with hearing from her, and you are not at this point. I bet you had butterflies in your stomach when you seen a message from her, perhaps shaking, nervous wanting to respond so badly. Its eating you up inside.. Don't read too much into the email because it was safe, very bland, and generic.


Her statement lets be friends has you all the more confused.
Now that she "wants to be friends" how sweet, it sounds promising but the reality is that friendship this soon after a breakup is not advisable, because emotions are still involved. The 'let's be friends" is being polite.

Don't respond back, and now that she responded delete your bebo, and create a new one for the new you...

yea losingit, totally agree on shutting them out of your life. I have blocked and deleted her IM, her facebook, and actually went as far as deleting 6 of her friends that I had on my facebook. She has also texted me a couple times from her new number but I always make sure not to look at the number and delete it. I couldn't call or text her if i wanted. I don't want to know anything. Ignorance is bliss if you ask me.


GOOD start of all those sites Facebook is the most painful it is a stalkers bible... I have heard some stories about Facebook, because it emails all the friends of everything you do on your page.

She just contacted me over msn again... she hadn't tried in the last 3 weeks.. nearing 50 days of NC.. I was so tempted to reply.. arghh
I need strength :/

Well - I didn't reply..
I got a call from a private no. shortly after - there seemed to be someone on the other side of the line but no one said anything.. Im not sure if it was her..
It's her birthday tomorrow - so, last night was a great way to kick off the drama fest that is this weekend.

P.S: She seems to have deleted a comment she left on my myspace when we were together, and I think she removed me from her friends..
Cool.

Got another one just now.. I don't get what she's trying to accomplish.
I feel like she's taunting me in some way.. I'm still in disbelief at the way she walked away from us :\

God, nicksheshe! You are unbelievably strong! You should be really proud of yourself. Really, what the heck is going on with her? Well, nothing you need to concern yourself with I guess. You don't need the drama. This girl is starting to seem really confused and really immature. Good for you for sticking up for yourself and your own best interests.

You've played your hand well. I bet she's feeling like you're the one who dumped her now instead of the other way around. Way to go!

Nick,

Hang in there, you'll be able to handle it. You know what you need to do, the struggle is making sure you have the strength to do it. If she tries again, leave the phone home and go out. Go for a drive, a run, anything... Just get away. It always helps me out to just get out and go (and listen to some good music)

Good luck, you know where to come if you need a hand.

Hey guys...

Just wondering if any of you have gone on any dates and how they went. I went on one tonight, it started pretty good, went to a movie, but than we went to grab some food later and I felt like it bombed. Just conversation started to get strained and I don't think either of us were enjoying it a lot by the end. And I found myself comparing how effortlessly my ex and I could talk. Just took a hit to the ol ego, one that I didn't really need right now.

All right guys, I'm a bit of a newbie on here. My girlfriend broke up with me toward the end of march and I think she's with another guy now. I'm not 100% on that though as I don't have any definite evidence and she has said there isn't anyone, but I just get that feeling. We haven't spoken apart from when I had to go to our old house (where she still lives) to pick my stuff up. I've read through a lot of the posts here and I have to say that they have helped no end. I'm on day 25 of no contact and apart from the odd hiccup I've been doing okay. It's the mornings that are the real killer.

Anyway, to the point, the whole no contact thing is pranging me out. Though I find that it's good to forget about her, she hasn't initiated contact with me once since we broke up. It's hard to believe that after 2.5 years she's just forgotten about me and doesn't even want to speak to me. We didn't end on great terms, but we tried to make it amicable. I've seen loads of people on here saying that their ex's have tried to contact them but I've had nothing. Is anyone else in a similar situation? Personally I'd be happy to never speak to her again, but a little something to let me know she still cares would be nice. Anyone else know what I'm talking about?

jammyb, I get the contact here and there.. and trust me - her contacting me doesn't mean she cares. It's probably her trying to drown her guilt in some way - I don't know.. I could do without the contact though.. Everytime she makes contact I feel like I'm taking a step back even though I'm not replying.. Just hang in there man...

--
p.s : ex's birthday today.. hope she isn't expecting a happy birthday from me.

Yeh I can see what you mean about drowning the guilt. Though I don't think my ex really has what you and me might call "emotions", not that I'm bitter or anything lol. At least it seems like that. Unfortunately its my birthday first so I won't get the pleasure of letting her know I've supposedly forgotten about her, than again it might be interesting to see if I get anything from her... hmmm.

Incidentally NorthernNiceGuy, I have had a thing going with one of my new housemates, and I'm also supposed to be dating a girl I used to work with at some point in the near future, and I've actually found that the mere fact that Im with those girls tends to be a bit depressing for some reason. I can't put my finger on why, but it makes me feel a little more lonely; maybe its because the new girls remind us of our exes or something, who knows?

Jammy,

I know what you mean. I'm not intending to date too much at all until I'm over my ex, as I'm still in the comparing stage, which I don't want to be, but I still do it. No pressure though, you'll find someone when your not looking for it. Which is how I've met my exes. Wasn't looking and then they turned up.

And I know you say you'd like a bit of contact to say she cares about you, but I had that, and it made me feel worse.

You don't need it, and don't contact her at all.

JM

Okay day 8 is going good.This is my longest NC ever! A week and a hour ago I was in tears,hugging my cat as if my life depended on it.Today - just got back from work,snacking and posting here finally :)

Day 6/7 since break

Day 3 from NC

Doing better than ever

][/CENTER]Though I find that it's good to forget about her, she hasn't initiated contact with me once since we broke up. It's hard to believe that after 2.5 years she's just forgotten about me and doesn't even wanna speak to me.

Don't make assumptions. You have no idea what she is thinking (thats the idea of NC). Why are you going to assume that she is not thinking about you and is getting along fine.

If your going to make an assumption, why not assume that she is struggling every day just like you are? You haven't made contact with her, so she might be saying the same thing about you...

All right guys, here's the update from my ex.

This is what she sent me last night at 2am.

i find it really immature for someone who says they care alot about me to lie to my face and tell me that they want to be friends when really, they dont...

since the beginning of the break-up i told u time and time again that if u didnt want to be friends, i would understand. and u came to me and said that we would be...and i beleived u..

im sorry for what ive done to u ramsey, but really, lying to me isnt going to make u feel better.

but whatever, if u want nothing to do with me, then fine. this is the last time ill contact u...

have a nice life.

Spion_Kop

This is my opinion on this one. Make of it what you will. I think I'm going to have to take the comedy Chuff route on this one.

i find it really immature for someone who says they care alot about me to lie to my face and tell me that they want to be friends when really, they dont...

Three words spring to mind... pot, kettle and black

im sorry for what ive done to u ramsey, but really, lying to me isnt going to make u feel better.

No, but it's a bloody good start. I don't know about anyone else, but if I had the opportunity, I would jump at the chance of p**sing my ex off (having said that, maybe that's why I haven't heard from her).

but whatever, if u want nothing to do with me, then fine. this is the last time ill contact u...

have a nice life.

Job done... I'm guessing that's the first unselfish thing she's said/done for you in a while.

Sorry to butt in with opinions so early, but I couldn't resist.

I just read your story Spion, and to be honest it sounds incredibly similar to mine. We were together 2.5 years and in the last month she became really close to a coworker, and basically started treating me like crap.

I don't know about you guys, but if I hit on a girl, and she then tells me she's in a long term relationship I back off straight away. That says it all about the sort of people these are. Maybe I'm just kidding myself here, but logic would dictate that that relationship would only end in tears. Either 1) they (new bf) would cheat on the ex, being as they obviously have no moral fibre or 2) the ex would realise that the guys a bit of a (quote from a few pages back) "douchebag". Either way though, they can f**k off, as its not our problem what happens to them. Time to move on to better things (and people).

Jees, that turned into a bit of a rant

So my ex texted me today... I'll admit that I do reply to her texts sometimes (I really shouldn't and after today will really make an effort to stop) She said I was playing games with her. This is way out of left field, because I most definitely am not. She claims that she wants to work on us but that I have to make a large effort. She says things like come visit me or call me, and thinks that's trying. I told her that she would have to really try and that she wanted this so it was up to her to convince me. Does it look like I am playing games? Shouldn't she have to go above and beyond to try and win me back. She is expecting me to do all the work... like always. This coupled with the bombed date last night is throwing me way back. She's cut off now, I can't handle how selfish and controlling she is.

Northern I think you are assuming too much. You have to realize you cannot make either of you go through the change that was needed to get your relationship back on track it is going to require BOTH of you to sacrifice a lot and go through a lot of work to fix a relationship that was flawed. If you are up to it and willing to talk to this lady you have show here that you are willing to try and make the changes and you have to judge if she is as well because as I said before its going to take a lot of work on both your parts to make things work.

alright guys, here's the update from my ex.

This is what she sent me last night at 2am.

i find it really immature for someone who says they care alot about me to lie to my face and tell me that they want to be friends when really, they dont...

since the beginning of the break-up i told u time and time again that if u didnt want to be friends, i would understand. and u came to me and said that we would be...and i beleived u..

im sorry for what ive done to u ramsey, but really, lying to me isnt going to make u feel better.

but whatever, if u want nothing to do with me, then fine. this is the last time ill contact u...

have a nice life.

Its insane how they try to turn it around to make us feel like the bad guy... we do what we must to move on, and all they care about is themselves. Don't respond, you know the deal, more games. The reason she's contacting you is because she does feel guilty, and why shouldn't she? And she wants to be your friend to ease the guilt. Don't give in my friend... you will regret anything you send back, I guarantee it. Stay strong, its obvious you got the better end of the deal on this break up.

I have no regrets or hate towards her. I see this as a desperation from her point of view. She is trying anything and everything to get me to respond. It's not going to work because I know her. This is all sick and twisted. She was always selfish and quick to blame others about lies and being dishonest but never herself. She left me because she's changed and so have her feelings. But I've lied because she was trying really hard for us to be friends. But guess what? I changed as well, and now unlike her, I'm moving on and cutting all ties.

As for her coworker, I really hope they do work out or if she finds someone better than me. I don't hold any grudges/hate/anger, it's a waste of my time and energy. I want what's best for her but it won't be with me. Simple.

Yea, I'm hurt for what she did but the lengths to which she goes to blame me for being decietful just shows that this was biggest blessing I could have received.
Always keep your chin up guys and girls.


Edit: I really would like Chuff's take on this though, lol, his words of wisdom does inspire me ha!

UPDATE

Ok, for all you guys, I figured I better give you all an update. So after a long time of NC, my ex finally decided to talk to me. Basic chit chat while we were in book keeping(we work together at a grocery store) and she was just saying things about how school is going and random things. I kept things civil with her as I am over the hate stage. This happened on Thursday, then Friday I sign onto my myspace and she sent me a friend request, with her default picture being one I took of her on a cruise 2 years ago. Weird. So I get to work on Saturday, and <b>MY</b> friend comes up to me and says we need to talk. I was like OK. So she starts talking to me about how she was on break with another guy when my ex was heating up her food and the guy said to her "how's your husband?" and my ex snaps back "he's not my husband! He's not even my lover" so my friend decides to ask her what's that about and she says "we just don't have a lot in common"(as she's telling me this I'm thinking to myself, No sh*t anyone could have told you that) then my friend asks "then why are you with him" and my ex replies "it's just for the time being"

Still no big reason to go running for the hills yet... Then I get a text yesterday saying "yo boy"(what we used to joke around with each other saying) and I texted back hey(very generic) and then we go back and forth with small talk before I end the conversation. Then today at work, she comes up to me and says hey and how I am doing, blah blah blah. Very quick conversation. I send a funny text to everyone in my phonebook, crap it goes to her since she's recent. She replies "I can't see it until I get home" I don't reply. I get another text "I'll read it and then text you if it was funny or not"

So those are the updates so far. And I must say, I'm not stressing or hoping or feeling much of anything ha ha

Amazing how we deal with things without the emotional baggage. And working hard on ourselves.
You have come a long way in less than 6 months.

FThanks Tal, it means a lot coming from you. The same friend asked if I would ever go back with her. I sat back, and the first thing I thought of was you saying "if the problems that plagued the relationship aren't addressed, the second time wouldn't be any different than the first." So I told my friend, that would have to be something me and her discussed face to face and then after we address everything, then we could make a decision. I won't deny I love her but if don't talk about the past problems they will just re occur.

Don't think of this as, Rome is going to start texting her and calling her. Not going to happen, I'm going to continue on the path I'm on right now. I'm just doing my thing, if she happens to want to talk about things then fine, we can talk. But it won't be because I was on my knees. This site taught me that, I can be fine with or without her.

I send a funny text to everyone in my phonebook, crap it goes to her since she's recent.

Oh... you're one of those people.

Hmm, I'm having a really strong urge to respond to her message. I don't know I should or shouldn't.

Yep Westy... When something seems funny to me, I text it to everyone. I blame my addiction to my black berry. The only thing my friend brought up was, there really wasn't a reason for her to text saying "she couldn't read it on her phone but can when she gets home"

Yep Westy...When something seems funny to me, I text it to everyone. I blame my addiction to my black berry. The only thing my friend brought up was, there really wasn't a reason for her to text saying "she couldn't read it on her phone but can when she gets home"

Yeah, your friend is right, I would have expected a chain text if it were something "funny"... and of course, no response is necessary for those, lol.

So I started Last Friday, although I had two run ins with her one in a group setting and one in an elevator, while we did end amicably. Besides the fact that she dumped me. I do feel hurt over certain aspects of our relationship. I don't know how to feel and it changes constantly as if I am on an emotional roller coaster.
But I can tell you I'm not going to call her, she has to call me

Same here mrchef, it is an emotional roller coaster.

But, now she is going to talk to me over lunch tomorrow. She broke NC with a phone call today, so I will see what happens tomorrow.

Rome,

I'm proud of how you handled that. I think you're a great example of the progress that can be made with NC and you are a good inspiration to those who have doubts. Keep it up and I'm sure you'll be doing fine :)

Day 9 is just starting.
You know I've been on the dumpers's side more than once and I can relate to what you girlfriend is trying to pull, spion. You're her comfort, her number 1 backup man and she needs you there always so that she'd feel beautiful, special etc. enough to attract new men (after all there is someone who unconditionally loves her - a safety net). Now, when she is losing you she'll go sweet, angry, pissy, clingy and finally go away and find another sucker. Its good riddance. She sounds immature and dishonest.

Gah, my ex called me for the first time since the break up.

We haven't contacted each other in any way since the break up (5/3/08). I am the dumpee from a 6 1/2 year relationship.

I'm proud of myself for sticking to my guns and waiting for her to call me first, especially since she was the dumper. 3 weeks straight of NC. Perhaps I should have ignored the call, but it was my instinct to pick up when I saw her name on the caller ID... just could'nt help it!

Anyway, we spoke for 1 hour and 15 minutes about stuff ranging from "how things are going" to talking about music, movies, the news, family, random things that have happened since we last spoke. It was a very friendly conversation. She said was geniunely concerned if I was okay (I don't think she's trying to relieve any guilt), and had not called me because she knew it would "set me back" and cause pain. She said she was proud of me for staying strong and not calling/begging her since the breakup. The conversation was only awkward for the first minute, but once we started talking it was totally natural and we were all chummy.

Coincidentally, we both decided to move out after the breakup (we both lived at our parents') I'm moving into my first apartment on 5/31 and she's splitting a place with 2 of her girlfriends. We're even moving out in the same week. I guess I wasn't the only one who wanted a fresh environment.

She also stated over the phone that her decision about breaking up was still final and that the phone call wasn't intended to screw with my head - she said she really just wanted to make sure I was doing okay. Plus, we both also had significant news to share - even if we are exes, we just spent the last 6 1/2 years together.

Most surprising is that I was terrified that speaking to her would send me back to square one of pain and misery, but I'm actually doing fine. We ended the conversation by calling each other "mature" about the whole situation and that "we both deserve a pat on the back." She extended the oh-so-confusing "friendship" proposition, but I said we'll just have to let time take it's course on that. It's sad because we have such chemistry for friendship (we can talk and laugh for hours about pretty much anything), but I still have emotional feelings towards her, which completely destroys the ability to maintain friendship.

She also said we could meet up on Sunday 6/1 to take care of some things (such as planting flowers at my mother's headstone; this was planned right before the breakup), but only if I'm ready. We also discussed her taking a quick tour of my apartment since it's my first one and is therefore a monumental moment in my life, and we both don't want to be total strangers to each other. She said she completely understands if I don't want to see her, and if it will cause me any pain then we should not meet.

Strangely enough, I think I can handle seeing her in person. It could be a great day. Plus, she's leaving on 6/3 (it's about 1 hour away). I think that I've finally grasped the concept that you are powerless in "winning" someone back. Who knows what the future will bring. Maybe she'll end up hating living over there with her 2 friends, maybe she will have the time of her life and fall in love with a new guy within a few months (ack, ack). Whatever it is, I cannot control. What I can control is my own life.

Hey eraser,

That was actually great to read. You seemed to have really come a long way and are doing much better. It seemed like both of you went about it in a really mature way. I even commend your ex on being upfront about what the phone call was for, and that she really didn't want to string you along or play with your mind... If only all exs could be like that. I know if mine was I would be doing a lot better today. I think your relationship is something to walk away from with your head held high. You kept your dignity and probably learned a lot about life and yourself. She'll probably always look back at you with fondness and respect for how you went about it. You have nothing but good things to look forward to.

All the best.

Hey eraser,

that was actually great to read. You seemed to have really come a long way and are doing much better. It seemed like both of you went about it in a really mature way. I even commend your ex on being upfront about what the phone call was for, and that she really didn't want to string you along or play with your mind... If only all exs could be like that. I know if mine was I would be doing a lot better today. I think your relationship is something to walk away from with your head held high. You kept your dignity and probably learned a lot about life and yourself. She'll probably always look back at you with fondness and respect for how you went about it. You have nothing but good things to look forward to.

All the best.

Thanks a lot. Yeah, I've been doing better. It's still a rollercoaster, as it's only been 3 weeks since the break up. There are times when I feel completely fine, then moments later I'll almost be crying to hold her in my arms - but the frequency of this is decreasing.

Despite the great improvement I've made, I won't lie: a very large part of me still hopes that we'll be one of those rare couples that "finds each other again in life," somewhere down the road. We met at such a young age. I'm certain this feeling is natural after such a short time since the break up. But the difference now is that I'm actually starting to envision a future without her, whereas before the mere concept of her not being in my life made me want to crawl in a hole and die.

It's so hard to let go of this relationship due to the combination of the extremely long time we've lasted together and how we have a certain "dynamic" that's tough to put into words. People jokingly referred to us as "Dharma and Greg" because on the outside we seemed totally incompatible but on the inside we were totally into each other. Even on our post-breakup call, my ex said something along the lines of "Even though we're broken up, there's still this weird magnetism between us. We just...click."

I believe you are correct in saying we will both look back on each other with great respect and appreciation. Despite what the future brings, we both shaped each other into who we are today - for the better. Especially when starting from a young age like 17, 6 1/2 years together seems like a lifetime. Thus far in both our lives, no other person has ever been so significant.

I have to admit, Eraser, I am truly touched by the level of maturity, and civility, you and your ex have shown, I don't see that often.

Eraserhead,

I too am impressed with how you managed yourself.

In a way, I'm a bit jealous because I don't know if I would be able to handle myself in the same way. I do know that I can relate to your feelings after a few weeks. It truly is amazing once you start to see the future without them in it - you really start to feel better about yourself and you can feel yourself esteem begin to rise.

Good luck, though it seems you won't need it :)

5-6 weeks-ish (?) of NC now. Feeling pretty good still.

Saw an update through a round-about way on my ex's online profile which showed a few pictures she had put up. I think it said there were 21 or so pictures. I didn't look, but I won't lie and say my curiosity wasn't up. I wanted to, but I know better at this point.

Time to get distracted...

5-6 weeks-ish (?) of NC now. Feeling pretty good still.

Saw an update through a round-about way on my ex's online profile which showed a few pictures she had put up. I think it said there were 21 or so pictures. I didn't look, but I won't lie and say my curiosity wasn't up. I wanted to, but I know better at this point.

Time to get distracted....

Good will power... I had to delete my ex and about 5 of her friends from fb just to keep myself sane.

I am in a weird position... my ex is in 3 of my 4 high school courses, and I sit next to her in all 3 of them... how to instigate NC when it is virtually impossible> I can't just ignore her, or move seats, or something obvious like that, can I?

Ah high school, makes break ups pretty hard. Their life and what they are doing is right in front of you on a daily basis. Where you sit in class is up to you, I mean if it makes you feel better to move than do it, who really cares what she thinks. Honestly, even though I think it will be hard, you should stay put. If she talks to you be kind but don't give her any special attention. Act like it doesn't bother you (even though it does). Total NC in this situation is virtually impossible but I think you can do a variation of it. Can't imagine having to go through my break up through high school. I am having a hard enough time with it and she just moved 6 hours away :S .

Thanks Northern,
And good luck with your NC... stay strong!

At least I have summer break coming in 3 weeks..

Agh! I don't know what is about today, but I'm feeling kind of down. Broke up a little over 2 months ago and I don't know. All of sudden it hit me again today. It kind of feels like our whole 4 year relationship was a distant memory. Or like it was just a movie or something that was part of someone else's life not mine. I guess I'm just starting to feel detached from the whole thing. Starting to feel like the whole thing and even him just don't exist anymore.

I know I'll be fine and I'll get through this. Just feel a little weird today... like what have I been doing with my life for the past 4 years? God, was that really all a waste? It feels almost like none of it ever happened. Like it was all a dream or something.

Oh, well. I'll live. Probably feel this way because I didn't really keep myself busy today. Need to keep my mind and energy focused on something else. Time to watch a scary movie!

DISTRACT YOURSELF BUDDY!
I used have these random flashbacks too. I would always get quiet around friends, and just think. But apparently thinking is bad, so distract yourself. :)

Good Luck losingit

Haha... yeah, I know the 'getting quiet around friends'. That would happen to me every once in a while too like over dinner with friends or family and then suddenly some would just say "snap out of it".. and I'd try distracting myself with something else.

That's just what I'm about to do. Laundry and scary movie coming up.

Losingit,

You of all people know that this is going to be a rollercoaster journey. You should expect that your going to have down days and up days, and this was just a down day. Live through it and you'll come out on the other side even stronger. You know you can handle it.

And No, it wasn't all a waste. You learned and are still learning a lot about yourself and how you deal with the obstacles of life. Keep going!

I'm really glad I found this site...
It shows me I'm not the only one dealing with a break up, or NC. We are all in the same boat here, and support each other. It really is a great system here.

GOOD LUCK MY NC FRIENDS!
I will go distract myself with homework now.

Listen to "Married with Children" by Oasis

I feel like I need help quick...

I made a mistake - big time. I'm shaking, just went for a walk, I'm so angry upset, everything. I don't know what to do now...

I was on my Facebook account and a picture of her showed up. It looked like a great picture so I clicked on it because I wanted to see it. Well, when it came up, another picture was there of some guy I never knew before. After looking at it again, it was in her house, in her basement.

I don't know what to do. After 4 years 1 month is enough?

My mind is going nuts. My sensible side says this: He might be a friend, nothing says they are together. She's smarter than that. She isn't a slut. Etc etc...

But my mind is also saying they are having sex. They are dating, they are intimate, I'm having all of these disgusting images in my head. She's saying I love to him she's thinking abuot marrying him.

I feel sick. What the !@#$ is wrong with me. I know better. I thought I would be fine, I was feeling so good.

How do I not let this ruin the next week for me. I deleted her Facebook, what do I do?

I'm so sorry...

Stay calm, and distract yourself. There is NOTHING wrong with you. The emotions you are expiriencing are to be expected, and they are completely normal.

I don't know much about this, so I can't give specific instructions or tips, but I'm here for you, as is everybody else. I feel for you man...

Thanks,

Sorry I sound so emotional. I thought I had everything under control and I'm just upset now. I think I'm more mad at myself, though I think that if they are dating after 1 month I'm a little pissed off...

My mind is analyzing things that have happened since the breakup and I'm forming assumptions and theories which I know are all rookie mistakes.

At least I know enough not to call, make contact or anything else. That would make everything worse. I'm trying not to mention it to anyone either as they might give me details I don't want.

I think it just hurts because she moved on and I still don't feel I'm ready to. (stupid seeing as I don't know anything about him, or their connection)

--EDIT---

Didn't want to delete that for the sake of anyone else who wants to see my pain. Its been a few minutes and I calmed down. I stopped, talking to two people about it, and tried to think rationally about it. It's going to be on my mind for a while I imagine, and that bothers me, but I guess I deserve that. It shouldn't keep me really upset, but now when I think about her those 2 or 3 times a day, I'm going to have something extra to think about. That sucks a bit.

In any case the results of my rational thinking:
-I know nothing about him or her since the breakup.
-It is none of my concern, she has every right to, just as I do (even if it seems really short)
-It is unlike her, or at least how I know her, so I still think its unlikely
-He's definitely not a looker, and I feel I'm a better catch (not to be cocky, but I don't think I lack much of what people would call a good boyfriend)

The last point helps to reinforce the feelings of her loss, my gain sort of thoughts. Oh well, I guess onward with my healing. I leanred that lesson, even though I thought I had it under control as it was. It just hurts to have my mind go nuts like that and start to think about disgusting things. I don't know if anyone else goes through that, but it's that part of self destruction your mind takes.

The hardest part was feeling like she isn't think even a bit about me, when I still think about her everyday for sometime at least.

Pathetic...

Hey bigbird
You know I think you give some great advise to a lot of people on here. One of the main things is obviously NC and how it affects people etc.. First of all 1 month is not a long time to be broken up and you will still be carrying emotional baggage at this early stage.

But by looking at that photo on Facebook you actually broke NC to an extent , learn from that and realise what damage it does. We're all on your side and you just have to keep going with what you were doing before because you seemed to be going so well. It just goes to show how easy it is to go back a few steps.

And thinking about what she's doing or what is happening in her life is not going to help you one little bit either , remember its out of your control anyway.

We're all with you mate so just keep coming on and venting.

And NO LOOKING AT HER FACEBOOK AGAIN! That's an order :)

Oh, bigbird! I feel for you. Don't worry about it. Don't start with all the "what ifs"... it could be something, it could be nothing. Either way you're still awesome! Think of all the plausible scenarios:

- Just some guy she happened to be hanging out with that night along with 10 other friends who you can't see in the picture
- Some guy maybe she did something with, but please even if she did, most likely the "relationship" will crash and burn (or already has) long before you even stop thinking about it.

If you're going to make assumptions, make them realistic assumptions (not a "happy ending story for her")... She's not "in love with him or thinking about marriage" already. Come on, you know that! Anything she has done since the break-up is in no way a reflection on you...

To be honest, I've slept with 2 guys since I broke up with my boyfriend ( I know, I know, I feel a little slutty about that) but in no way is that any reflection of how I felt about my ex during our relationship or even, heck, how I still feel about him. No comparison!

Also, I know you're shaking now and your mind is racing frantically, but don't worry. Give it 1-2 days and you'll be back to good days again. Remember that! Like you just told me a couple of hours ago, its an emotional rollercoaster! Just take the ride...

And no more slip ups on your NC, bigbird. Once you get back on track, everything will be okay. And losingit is right, there are several reasons that guy could have there for.

Thanks guys,

I was talking to her step sister online (which I have done a few times since with no impact on me) and heard one thing that I didn't like also. I don't know if it has anything to do with my current state or not, but she told me that she wanted to get drunk the other day. That's EXTREMELY unlike my ex as she used to get angry with me for getting drunk, though she did drink with me a few times...

I'm sensing it now, my mind making up stupid things, and I'm sure you all see it, I'm just missing it. Ahh so stupid...

Thanks for the support, I just hope that I can keep getting over it.

I'm starting to feel like just sleeping and not doing much, I hope that's just fatigue from tonight.

Bigbird, you need to wake up, and get out. Even if you feel like sleeping and lying around, get out. Go out with a couple friends, do anything to distract yourself.

And I'm sure that you will get over it.

But you know what you have to do, you always give great advice when it comes to NC. You have to distract yourself, and not think about 'her'.

And no problem for giving support, its what we're here for. I just joined a few days ago, and I love the support I get here. Makes life so much easier.

Yes, the mind loves to play tricks on us.

Sometimes I think we forget the point of NC is not just to eliminate contact with the exes, but its also to help us stop thinking about them and to remove them from our day to day lives. Hearing about what they're doing or seeing info about them on the net, can be just as painful and set us back as much as proactively breaking NC so the best bet is to just remove all temptation and stay the heck away.

Right now, its best to not know anything! Our lives are no longer any of their business so their lives are no longer any of ours. If it helps, rewrite history in your mind, and pretend that you broke up with her. It helps me all the time.

And in terms of moving on, don't rush it if you don't feel ready. We all move at varying paces so don't take any of what possibly did or didn't happen with her as any indication that you're not moving on fast enough. When you're ready, you'll feel it. You have the whole summer to enjoy!

Yeah,

I want to say I'm done thinking about this, but it really isn't that easy.

I'm setting out to prove to myself that this isn't as big a deal as my brain is making it out to be (my heart I should say). I didn't find out anything, I'm making wild assumptions.

Rookie mistakes, I'm better than that.

Thanks again everyone,

Good night all.

I'm here too Biggie! I think everyone has got you covered. I've been through it more than once, and you are neither pathetic, or being stupid. You know that! I know the sick feelings you get, and how it makes you want to jump out of your skin and just run away. You'll be OK. It hasn't been long, so try not to jump to conclusions, and just let yourself go through it. I feel for you bud! I've soooo been there.

Bird, yea like I said before I had to delete her and 5 of her friends from FB, it just gets too tempting... I mean it could have been much worse. The day I decided to delete my ex was the day I saw pictures of her at a bar, in a shirt sized dress and high heels, grinding, holding hands, and wearing the jacket of this 30 year old or something steroid bound loser. It was absolutely devastating. Really the picture you saw means nothing and I am glad to hear you removed the temptation... you don't need that getting in the way. I went to dinner tonight with a girlfriend and she even mentioned that this guy has been all over her wall and stuff. That one little comment made me sweat... but you got to think of this rationally and tell yourself its no big deal. There is nothing you can do about it, and your going to rise above it. Think of all the people that have been dumped because their ex was moving on with someone else... or cheated on...

Stuff like this kind of brings you back to earth and lets you know how much more healing you got to do. You'll get over this picture quick, its just a bump in the road.

Facebook is evil!!

Thanks NNG,

I know, I have calmed down a little bit. Still a little down, much more level headed though. I think I handled it pretty well, but I jumped the gun posting here so it looked like I went nuts (I did for about 10 minutes, before I went for a walk.)

I was going to go for a drive, mom took the keys away heh, didn't want me driving, she knew I was upset. Either way, I was headed to bed, but there's a funny show on. I could use a laugh, so ill be up for a little while longer.

Thanks NNG,

I know, I have calmed down a little bit. Still a little down, much more level headed though. I think I handled it pretty well, but I jumped the gun posting here so it looked like I went nuts (I did for about 10 minutes, before I went for a walk.)



No biggie you did the right thing , without venting you may still be thinking about it. There's absolutely nothing wrong with getting things off your chest.

I don't even know you guys and I love you all, I was about to go insane, and read this and saw how you guys are here for each other, it's just way too amazing that total srangers can be so close. Bravo.

Big bird my man - stay strong you are doing fine. 1 month is very early days into a breakup. I was still all over the place then.

I didn't even accept my exes attempts to be a friend on Facebook, as I new id look at her account, and it wouldn't do me any good at all.

The best way to think about things I found was this -

Your ex may be with another guy, but it isn't big bird. Big bird being the best thing that happened to her, her opportunity of a lifetime which she threw away.

So no matter who she may or may not be with, smile inside and outside, because no body will be like you my friend. What a fool she is!

I always thought this and still do whenever I think of my ex. I still do, and its been six months now,with a hiccup in the middle, so on 80ish days of NC now.

Just keep going pal, and think that those good times are around the corner, because they are. Friend4u is right, you have been giving out quality advice for the last few weeks, we've all seen it.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

I can't wait to do this - however I need to speak to my ex as we have a house together and need to discuss finance - we were going to do it today face to face (we have been split since 20th May - I have went to stay with my mum but have to go back home today) I emailed him and told him I couldn't face him and will contact him by phone later. Originally I think I wanted to meet hime face to face to make him see that he was making a huge mistake, however his emails etc have told me that he does not regret his decision. He thinks this will be best as he has fell out of love with me. Im not sure I can even call him tonight because I break down in tears and can't bear to see how cold he has become. I know I have to do it - but then after that I'm going to try and have NC - (it will be tough though as we work at the same company)

Bigbird,

Hang in there buddy.Allow me to say this though : this is why you-and everyone else-should be a bit less strict and hard when it comes to telling other people what to do.It's hard for everyone,even when you know what the right thing to do is.

Next time it hits you,go for a run.A fast,long,getting your heart in your mouth kind of run.Run till you see blurry.Then run some more.

I know it sounds stupid,but it helps.

I wanted to say thanks again to everyone.

After having a (half) night's sleep, I guess I feel a bit better. I have been trying to heed my own advice that I have given out, but its nice to hear from other people as well. Sometimes I just disregard what I say as trying to make myself feel better.

So far this morning my mind has been pretty consumed with thoughts of her, but I sincerely hope that will change a bit as the day goes on. I'm looking forward to getting out of work to go home and sleep -- just beucase I'm tired I think, not really depressed...

Thanks again.

Stay strong. It is a rollercoaster, sometimes your up, sometimes your down, but you will reach the end of the line. Just hang on!

Big bird my man - stay strong you are doing fine. 1 month is very early days into a breakup. i was still all over the place then.


Thanks for that, I was just upset because I was doing so very well (attributed to NC no doubt) and this has set me back. I was hoping for a full recovery without ever stepping back, but sometimes you have to be burned to learn I guess.



i didn't even accept my exes attempts to be a friend on facebook, as i new id look at her account, and it wouldn't do me any good at all.


I was very strong about that for the whole month. I never looked at it, and to be honest, the only reason I did was because I thought I could handle seeing the one picture I wanted to. Meaningless things caused my mind to go wild with assumptions, and that doesn't help anything.



the best way to think about things i found was this -

your ex may be with another guy, but it isn't big bird. Big bird being the best thing that happened to her, her opportunity of a lifetime which she threw away.

So no matter who she may or may not be with, smile inside and outside, because no body will be like you my friend. what a fool she is!!


I found myself doing that too. It helps for a few minutes, then I feel down again and just do it again. I'll be limping along that way for a short while now...

I guess it was just a combination of what I saw, my assumptions and what I heard about my ex (Drinking). It almost made me feel like I wasn't good enough for her to change, but now she will. Then I thought - "Why not assume shes drinking because she is so upset about our breakup and doesn't know what to do."

Thanks jpm

Big, I missed last nights episodes.. but I've been there too - under the first month, saw Facebook pictures uploaded from when she was in london(where I got dumped), she was with some guy all the time in the pictures,leaning on him,hugging him e.t.c.. I knew him though- and I was suspicious of him when we were going out.. it drove me insane when I saw the pictures. I wanted to drive to his house and beat his face to the ground - but then I thought.. It's just not worth it - let her make her own mistakes.

big, I missed last nights episodes..but I've been there too - under the first month, saw facebook pictures uploaded from when she was in london(where I got dumped), she was with some guy all the time in the pictures,leaning on him,hugging him e.t.c..I knew him though- and I was suspicious of him when we were going out..it drove me insane when I saw the pictures. I wanted to drive to his house and beat his face to the ground - but then I thought..It's just not worth it - let her make her own mistakes.

I feel for you man. That's probably worse off then I am as it was just a picture of him, nothing else. She wasn't in the picture or anything, just my imagination. Glad to know you know how I felt though.

Sometimes when you feeling good, and things are flowing well, we think we can fly, until we eat dust, and realise we ain't birds.
Events that you shouldn't know about, and shouldn't care about, have crept into your mind, you already know the best way to let go is get busy, or busier.

Big bird,

Hang in there mate, I recently saw on my ex's Facebook a wallpost from one of her friends basically implying that she was staying with some guy who I suspected she was seeing. I can see what you mean when you talk about shaking with emotion. Whether the message had anything factual in it or not, I never really found out, but I was thinking almost exactly the same things as what you were listing a few posts back. That was a month ago and to tell the truth it doesn't bother me that much anymore. The bottom line is, 1) If she's the sort of person to do something like that we don't need them, 2) avoid ALL forms of contact and 3) you will get over it.

I think the reason why that post had such a massive response was for two reasons. Firstly you've been (I really hate to sound clichéd here) an inspiration to all of the people in this s**tty situation, and secondly because I reckon everyone can relate to what you were thinking, and something like that is what we all hate to see. We're only human mate.

Well I'm glad to know I can help. I'm trying to get back into that today, it makes me feel good. The number of responses I got really helped and I want to say thanks to everyone involved. I'll be fine, I'm just riding it out.



Whether the message had anything factual in it or not, I never really found out,


The funny thing about that statement is you truly get to test yourself. That is the epitome of your heart in conflict with your mind. You want NOTHING MORE than to know all the answers, and you know that you need NOTHING LESS than to know them.

It's actually quite funny, after 6 months, me and my ex just now started talking friendly to each other. Well more than the awkward "hello" at work, and after the first night I had a friend request from her. So instead of making a rash decision, I went for a walk to weigh the pro's and cons, I ultimately decided to accept her friend request as I don't have to look at her profile(which I haven't yet). Each time we have texted each other it turns into an hour long conversation about how she sees I have changed and made improvements in my life. She has admitted to several people she is not happy with her current boyfriend, which I find funny because me n a friend called that 3 months ago when it started.

I NEVER would have thought that after 6 months, I would be standing here saying "I'm fine, with or without her"

Rome,

That's inspirational. As much as I hate to say it now (please don't throw rocks), I can't wait until I can be friends with her. I don't know if I can be friends with her ever, but I assume after enough time has passed. I got a little cocky as I was doing so well, so I guess this was a reality check. I'm certainly not ready now, maybe by the end of the summer, maybe by Christmas, maybe never.

Hopefully someday...

The only thing I really worry about with being friends with her is that if it does grow into something, I'll go back to my old ways. But I assured myself that this site will keep me level headed and know that everyone here will keep my butt back to reality ha ha. I just have to hear it from my mom about how she thinks the time apart did us well and blah blah blah...

Bigbird, you will get there someday. Thursday I just reached the point where I said to myself, you feel fine, try talking and after I saw I was feeling fine. That's when I knew we could have a friendship. I think you get to a point where you realize yourself that you're ready for that jump

Guys I cracked and I called, I feel so stupid. GOD WHY? Ijus wish someone could come and take all these feelings away. I was never this emotional at all.I can feel a baall in my throat, and it is really bugging me.Her voice is what used to calm me and put me to sleep. Then it was the first thing in the morning that I would hear, to assure that she loved me so much, and that we would have a family togther, and to have a great day.It hurts. I miss her soft skin, her aroma of lavender, and her gorgeous green and hazel eyes, and most of all her little hand that would rest on my chest. I played foot ball, ran track, did wait traing with former NFL athletes and played in the band, and NO training ever hurt this much. I think I am going to be on here all day.


Sorry I let you guys down, sorry I failed you birdman.

Don't apologize to me, you didn't fail me. If you failed anyone, it was yourself.

The thing about the NC and the breakup is that you don't have to answer to anyone but yourself. I did the same last night bud, I cracked, I screwed up, and I spent all night hating myself for it. You'll get over it, you'll learn that it wasn't smart and you'll stop yourself from doing it next time ( I hope).

I know how you feel, truly I do. It sucks, we all know. Try to learn from what you did, and not EVER do it again. You see how bad you feel now? How you feel so low because you gave in? Any power you had, its now gone. That's the feeling you want to avoid, and the only one who is making you feel like that is... you guessed it, you...

If you're here all day, big deal. It helps, do whatever it takes.

BTW, if your athletic try running or hitting the gym. Anything exhausting really helps. It helped me a lot.

Aj, you didn't fail anyone. We have all broken the NC barrier a few times, everyone agree? You fall off the horse, but each time you get stronger and stronger to the point where Tal kicks you in the butt and you realize you're fine with or without them in your life. Always remember, you were breathing before them, and you're breathing without them. Trust me, you will be fine

I see NC like going cold turkey and she being the drug I'm addicted too, and the only reason we break NC is because we need that fix, be it the sound of her voice, one last connection... all in hope that things will go back to the way they were. On some occasions this works, sometimes it doesn't. I broke no connection nearly 2 months ago, and we got back 2gther for it... but sometimes you just know. Like now we split up again, I know that it is not time for me to get in contact again. I was out with a friend last week and all of the weekend before I had planned to contact my ex when I was ot with my friend, and when I wa sout I just didn't feel like texting her, but stupidly, very stupidly I did, and I gave her lots of power. Then I stupidly, drunkly text her again on Friday night, then we got into an argument on Saturday. Sunday night I went out and just had a good single ight out, managed to piss her off with my flirting with other girls, and even now I don't feel good about it, but I know I have a little bit of power... the power to stay no contact! And right now it is killing me, all I want to do is contact her and get my fix... but it won't help at all! So I just got to keep myself busy and say no!!

no connection

I like that. A little clearer than no contact :)

Here is something that keith brooking used to say in the weight room when we felt like one of use could not handle the pain of the training. " the only reason you can go through so many hours of hell on on the field, is becuase you have your brothers and team mates to push you on, but the only reason you can't handle these weights is because it is concentrated on you and you alone, but there is something to remember "girls" ( god I hated when he said that) PAIN IS TEMPORARY, VICTORY LIVES FOREVER!!



Quoted by D.J. Hicks.

We all break NC once in a while. Its part of the process. Sometimes we break it cause we're desperate (in the beginning) and other times we break it because we honestly think we can handle it. Sometimes you just got to test the waters and then you realize "nope, not ready for that just yet".

One of my friends basically said it to me this way, if he calls you and you get excited for a moment and want to answer, its because you still have feelings for him so DON'T answer. If he calls you and you couldn't really care less whether you talk to him or not, then you're over it and again DON'T answer. So, its really a catch-all. Just DON'T answer. Its sucks but the whole "friends" thing is really a difficult place to get into. You both have to be so far removed from the situation for that to work. I think when exes are friends there's always one person who is a little more "into" the friendship than the other and feelings always resurface.

BTW, I love all you guys. Nice to find people who are all in the same boat. Whenever I think, God, why did this happen to me? How can anyone ever get over this? I remember I'm not alone. Thanks!

Good insight losingit,

It is a very difficult thing to accomplish and when you test the waters, sometimes it hurts a little bit. I found that out the tough way, and it still hurts now. I'm having a down moment, but they are spacing themselves out a little more as the day goes on. Its funny how you can really notice the pattern once you are aware of it.

I'm riding out the rough moments now, but in about 20 minutes I should be feeling good again. I'll be on here a lot today during work I'm sure, as an idle mind finds things to think about, many of which are not so great.

Making it through work is my immediate goal. I'm a little worried about tomorrow as it would have been our anniversary (4 years) but its nothing more than a date. I hate to say it, but I wonder if she's going to remember or think of me tomorrow...

Ah who cares.

BTW, I love all you guys. Nice to find people who are all in the same boat. Whenever I think, God, why did this happen to me? How can anyone ever get over this? I remember I'm not alone. Thanks!

Hah,

You ever stop and just think about all the other people in the world. The breakups you hear about with your friends, family members etc... You stop and think... EVERYONE has been through this, why was it not such a big deal then... I think that a lot, it's a real eye opener.

Guys, I need that closure. I am tired of waiting hoping she will call so I can't answer. I need to know If we just need to quit and go our separate ways.

Bigbird,your current situation breaks my heart. I could imagine the pain and loss you feel when you imagine your girlfriend giving her I-love-yous to someone new. You'd have to accept that she,l ike every other person including yourself, is striving for her happiness - one way or another. Its what people do, so you should really look forward to living the rest of your life, because if you're as good in life as you're on "paper", well its going to be awsome :)

The only way to get closure is to move on. Her calling so you can ignore it isn't going to help you. In fact, from experience, it usually makes you feel worse. You feel like a jerk for not answering and then you will sit and wonder what she wanted.

Your hoping she will call, it seems like you want to hear her voice again. Bad news AJ, stay away from that. Get your closure by moving on and never looking back.

Listen, I never got closure either. She broke up with me over the phone when I was an hour and a half away at a Casino. I just had a fun night with my friend and as soon as I woke up the next morning, I got a text saying "I'm not happy anymore". Well, you can guess the rest, but I wanted to see her very badly one more time, then I realized the only reason I wanted to see her is that it would make it hard for her and I was hoping she would change her mind.

Closure is a fallacy.

because if you're as good in life as you're on "paper", well its gonna be awsome :)

HAHA, thanks, that makes me feel good...

So, you got plans Friday night? ;)

Aj,

Are you sure you want that closure, or is it just an excuse to contact her? You're probably right, but I'm fairly sure I used that as a last ditch attempt to talk to her just to hear her voice. No matter how much closure she gives, it probably won't be enough. Remember its like a drug, you'll beg, steal and borrow to get one small fix. Just a thought...

Yeah, "closure" means nothing. I tried getting "closure" about 5 times. It didn't close anything. It just kept all the emotions and the confusion open and around for a little longer. Didn't help one bit. Just delayed the start of the healing process.

Find "closure" within yourself... not them.

Just another point to add...

Every single word, even a simple "Hello", will have you analyzing until you pass out. You'll investigate her attitude when she said it, her intonation, her breathing pattern, whatever else you can possibly think of. None of that is healthy and will all come from your "closure"...

I broke contact again :) Yes people :) But I've managed to stay unhurt,no new hope was born and I was kind of bored.There you have it.

When your kind of bored, come on here and tell us whatever it is you wanted to tell him... we'll make you feel better than he can.

Here's a question for the masses...

It seems that when women break up, they are immediately approached and people let them know that they are interested. It doesn't seem that men have the same luck with this sort of thing... Anyone else notice that?

Is it easier for a women to find someone else to date/hang out with than a man?

Is it easier for a women to find someone else to date/hang out with than a man?

More than likely yes, but it may be for the wrong reasons, men sometimes approach women because they have sex on the mind sometimes, and often times will approach women. Men also can sniff out vulnerability in a woman.


Woman on the other hand are looking for something more than sex most of the time, so they are looking for a future husband material, they pick carefully. Don't get me wrong you have some women who are out looking for the "uncommited relationship" but even still they are picky.

Guys she called and we had the talk. I ask if she loved me, she replied yes. I ask if she wanted to be with me, she replied no. I then slipped up and asked for a second chance, she then replied no. I tried to get her to remember things in the past that we used to do. And then ask for a second chance she said no. I told her that I was sorry for how I treated her , and she said she forgave me, and then said no. I then said so there is nothing with us in the future, she said today I don't see anything because I am fed up with your controlling ways. I then told her I was never controlling that I only wanted to know were she was going and who with because I cared about her and her safety. Never once did I say No you can't go here, or no you can't hand out with this person. I don't see were I am controlling. So anyway we talk for about a good hour, she kept on trying to change the subject but I was not about to let that happen. So I asked should I just quit and we go our separate ways and with no hesitation she said yes. I said OK, she said OK and we hung up. Then 5 minutes later she text me "I still care for you " , I did not reply, the 2 minutes later she text " I guess you dont want to talk to me again" I still did not reply. Finally getting the answer from her has cleared my mind. I was so confused on how she would say I love you and want to be with you, but us always arguing is making me fall out of love with you. I wanted to tell her so bad, " the only reason why we argue is because you dont tell the truth, but i held that back. she never tells me truth about things the first time around, but the second time you ask you get the truth. she always thought that she was a pain in the and that when she came into my life she made my life a living hell. i assured her that hat was not true and that i was put in her life to calm things down, wich i really did. well she just called in tears asking if i was mad, i dont really know why i picked up but something inside said it's the last time. She just asked " aj are you mad at me " I paused for a moment and answer " name, I can't talk to you right now". She sounded so proud and confident when she kept saying no, but now she is in tears? This makes no since, and now I am starting to feel she is in her gaming area, IM DONE. I have put a year of my in her hands and she tossed it because she cat sit through the storm, she just walk away and leaves me there to handle it. Sorry guys I am just venting and trust me there is more to come.

My heart has turned cold towards her, she gave up so easily, and could not give me a change to redeem myself, after the countless times I have giving her the chance " become a better person, and show me she loves me" BULL, I have not felt this mad in a long time, you know why? It's because I don't really get mad at all.But she has awaken a sleeping giant in me, I will not take it out on her or do anything to her. I pissed beyond imagining. The only people I can trust right now is you all.

Just another point to add...

Every single word, even a simple "Hello", will have you analyzing until you pass out. You'll investigate her attitude when she said it, her intonation, her breathing pattern, whatever else you can possibly think of. None of that is healthy and will all come from your "closure"...

I cannot even put into words how true (and dangerous) this is. From the dumpee's perspective, any post-breakup communication, even simple one word text messages, are so easy to over analyze because our minds are still hooked on getting reunited.

I can use myself as an example. When my ex started our "break" last month (which ended with a full breakup on 5/3/08), we made an agreement that she would briefly text me once per evening just to let me know she's home safe because she works in a dangerous area. So, each night for that week I'd get a text ranging from "in bed," "in bed goodnight," or "home." I'd go absolutely INSANE, thinking "why didn't she say goodnight this time? Why just "I'm home" this time? No goodnight? What does that mean? Why so brief? Does she hate sending these texts? What's with the one-word answers?"

All these feelings were stirred by simple text messages. It's crazy when you think about it... the desperation, the anxiety we dumpees go through. When my ex called me 3 weeks after the breakup (thankfully she broke contact FIRST, I stuck it out), I was trying to "feel" out her tone of voice, the words she used... just trying to get any inkling of how she feels. Well after one minute of talking we were both comfortable and these feelings disappeared. She made it clear that her decision was still final - which is not exactly music to my ears, but I respect the honesty. Regardless, we spoke for an hour and 15 minutes about the most random things; it was a great conversation like old times. Still though, I couldn't help but wonder to myself "... hmmm, did she sound happy, or was she just going through the motions with me? Why did/didn't she laugh at that comment? What exactly did she mean by ? Does she sound like she's totally over me? Do I sound weak or strong to her?"

About 15 minutes ago, I sent a text to my ex to confirm us hanging out this Sunday to take care of some things (we agreed to this on our post-breakup call, and even on the breakup day). My text was simple: "Hi, just confirming we still good for Sunday?" Her response was "I think that would be fine." Immediately, I begin going nuts, rereading the text over and over as if I'm hoping for the words to rewrite themselves into something warm and lovey-dovey. My mind goes: "You [I]think that would be fine? What's that mean, like you don't really want to do this? And it's just fine? Not like, sounds great! Looking forward to it! Is she just doing this out of pity?" But now, 30 minutes later, I know I'm being irrational and that's all crap. First of all, she already told me she sincerely wants to meet up. These messages are words...not even spoken words, just a freakin text message. What was I expecting? She is downplaying any emotions so I don't get "false hope," I know this because she already said this over the phone. She's always been good and honest like that. One of my favorite qualities about her is that she doesn't play mindgames and is very straight-up and honest.

Anyway, I don't really consider my text to be breaking contact - hear me out first. We already agreed to this on the post-breakup call (which SHE initiated), and I really did need to confirm the date because we are very, very busy with logistics and packing as we are both moving the first week of June. It will be okay when we meet in person. I got this under control: Be strong, be happy, play it cool, crack some jokes, make her feel at ease, avoid anything involving criticism, anger or negativity. Don't appear clingy and weak, but at the same time don't be arrogant and "act" like I'm having the time of my life since the breakup. I know we are both going to be "stepping on eggshells" and avoiding any heavy talk, but I trust us, I trust our 6 1/2 years together of being civil and good to each other. It will be awkward at first, but once we start talking it's all good. I'm sure she will be going into this with similar feelings.

I'll keep you updated.

AJ,

You are making this more dramatic then it needs to be. All the extra drama isn't going to help you one bit, its going to make everything feel worse for you.

Don't try to rationalize or understand what she says or does. We have all heard funny things from our ex's during/soon after the breakup. They are just as confused as you many of the times, and they really don't know how to put their feelings into words.

Try to move on, cut all communication, and get happy being by yourself.

Eraser,
I'm glad that you understand what I was trying to say. Everyone does this, and it really is dangerous. The worst part is, 9/10 times the scenarios we dream up are 1000x worse than reality.

Don't worry guys, I find myself trying to figure out my ex's texts, even now. Only because it's free time and I have friends texting me saying she brings me up in conversation now. Talks about how she will be using the purse I bought her soon, how I got my tattoo at her house, smiles when she does bring up my name.

So yea, trust me... Ex's contacting will always confuse you. Depends on if you can keep the confusion at bay

God, what's going on? Are we on a breaking NC spree? For a second before, I felt like breaking it. Luckily it was just a fleeting moment. Instead, I came on here and read everyone's posts and remembered all the drama and confusion breaking NC would cause so I wised up. Woo, that was close!

Its much better to know nothing than to fabricate ideas from the slightest of info.

Besides, I know he wants me to call him. The last time we spoke I told him I didn't want him to hear from him for a VERY LONG time and his response was "ok, I'll hold out for as long as possible, but you know, i want you to call me whenever you want, i'll always be here for you, call everyday if you need to." Please, I will not give him the satisfaction. The last thing I want him to know is that I'm sitting around still thinking about him. Its best to just DISAPPEAR! If we're having the "what ifs", let them have the "what ifs" too...

Losingit, I wouldn't consider what happened with me as breaking NC, as it has not hurt me at all. I'm still having fun, going out and doing my thing. Had I talked to her and I was hurt my it, or started acting like a b*tch again, that's a different story. I have learned I can be with or without her and still breathe on my own. That's when you know you're okay

Hey Rome - I wasn't meaning you. You're a much longer way in than the rest of us. I meant those of us still in the thick of it who were doing so good, suddenly feeling down suddenly. Maybe its the holiday weekend or something.

Its weird. I guess its just natural but the beginning of the week is usually the hardest. Once it gets to later in the week and the weekend, I'm usually good for quite a while.

Losingit,

You can use my name if you want to ;)

I'm sorry if I pushed everyone over the edge... hopefully my story can help you guys not do it (like it did for losingit) rather than inspire you to do it. That was NOT the intent. I guess it depends on your definition, but I didn't really break NC (on a technicality). Either way, it was bad news and not a good idea. It was snooping for information, even if it was by accident.

Oh, and Rome, sorry I "started acting like a b*tch again" :) Just kidding, I know what you meant, and I hate those psychotic mood swings

Ha ha Bigbird, lol... acting like a b*tch again would have been texting her and sreaming "why can you move on so quickly! and blah blah blah" you did the right thing by coming on here instead of texting her or calling.

Ha ha Bigbird, lol...acting like a b*tch again would have been texting her and sreaming "why can you move on so quickly! and blah blah blah" you did the right thing by coming on here instead of texting her or calling.

... It would be a COLD day in hell :)

Hey I'm back, I had to take a nap as I was starting to feel light headed. Guys I don't like the way I am feeling. It's like I was lied to, She said she loved me with all her heart ansd would do anything in her power for me. And that we could work through anything that came our way. But now since it has come, she got fed up so easily and just broke me off. Now she is going to feel sad, and now she is going to call up her guy friends, and they are going to go out and have fun.I loved her unconditionaly, nothing could stop me from loving, when I first met her I promised that I would try my best to let nothing happen to her and that I was staying and that I would never leave her. She made me promise that I would never hurt her and that I would protect her. I was her guardian, she had her heart broken once and I scooped it up and nursed it till it got better, and I owned that heart, she was in l ove with me and I was in love with her.I feel ike I failed her. Its one thing about me, I always stick to my words and I rarely promise anything. I promised that I would protect her and love her till no end and that I will never go anywere. Ipromised I wasn't going to go anywere.. I did, I did, I promised, I promised. Why does it hurt so bad, it hurts omg it hurts, idont cry but I can feel something, I don't deserve this pain. I promised. And I failed, I Don't BREAK PROMISES, I NEVER HAVE!! That's why I rarely promise anything, GOD WHY DID I PROMISE. I failed, I actually broke my promise. I protected her, took so many blows to the heart for her, I did everything for her see asked for something I would make sure I tried my hardest before I could either say yes or no. all I wanted in return was her love,and her heart, and the truth. Why?why is it that something that can make you feel so wanted, so good, so amazing, make you feel like your dying 1000 deaths. I lost her I said I wasn't going to loose her and I lost her. I need to think about me now, but I am so into other peoples lives to make sure they feel good I cant. I am the type of person who everyone calls on when there down or if they need help I am there. What karma is this?what do I need to work on to better myself?

I know what you mean man, its like the one person in the world who gives you so much joy and happiness one days gives you so much pain and anger.

Why is it we are the ones left to pick up the pieces, I mean we did nothing wrong, we tried our best and didn't turn traitor in the first sign of trouble yet we are the ones left behind.

I know my ex goes out every weekend with her friends and I'm left alone, its just not fair.

Heres a question for the masses....

It seems that when women break up, they are immediately approached and people let them know that they are interested. It doesn't seem that men have the same luck with this sort of thing... Anyone else notice that?

Is it easier for a women to find someone else to date/hang out with than a man?



I have to agree with you on that. Bang on the money. Easy for a girl to go out and get with a guy, especially on a night out that's for sure.

In the long term, I guess its swings and roundabouts. When your not looking for it, you find it, (I have twice by not looking for it) and when your looking for it, in the early days after being dumped, (must be some kind of reaction in us, that says we must find someone quick to replace the ex) you never find it, and if you do, its normally pointless and your not going to be 'in' the relationship at all.

I'm happy on my own at the moment, when I'm ready ill be ready and when I meet someone ill meet someone.

Just enjoy being on your own for a bit, and take each day as it comes.

Hey im back, i had to take a nap as i was starting to feel light headed. guys i dont like the way i am feeling.


Look around... Nobody here does.



It's like i was lied to, She said she loved me whith all her heart ansd would do anything in her power for me. And that we could work through anything that came our way. But now since it has come, she got fed up so easily and just broke me off.


You weren't lied to. She was honest with you. That is more courtesy then a lot of people get. To quote JB at one point: People mean everything they say when they say it. She wasn't lying to you when she said that. Do you honestly believe that every couple that gets divorced was lying to each other on their wedding day? Hell no, things change bud, that's life...



now she is going to feel sad, and now she is going to call up her guy friends, and they are going to go out and have fun.


Assumptions are as bad as contacting her. Don't do that. You have NO IDEA what she is doing. She might be sitting around, napping because she is feeling dizzy too. She might be miserable and trying to get through this, because she knows its best.



I loved her unconditionaly, nothing could stop me from loving, when i first met her i promised that i would try my best to let nothing happen to her and that i was staying and that i would never leave her. She made me promise that i would never hurt her and that i would protect her. I was her gaurdian, she had her heart broken once and i scooped it up and nursed it till it got better, and i owned that heart, she was in l ove with me and i was inlove with her.I feel ike i failed her. its one thing about me, i always stick to my words and i rarely promise anything. I promised that i would protect her and love her till no end and that i will never go anywere. ipromised i wasnt going to go anywere.. i did, i did, i promised, i promised. Why does it hurt so bad, it hurts omg it hurts, idont cry but i can feel something, i dont deserve this pain. i promised. and i failed,


I don't have much to say to that, I'm going to chalk that up to ranting/venting. Its good for you.



I DONT BREAK PROMISES, I NEVER HAVE!!!! Thats why i rarely promise anything, GOD WHY DID I PROMISE. I failed, i actually broke my promise. I protected her, took so many blows to the heart for her, i did everything for her see asked for something i would make sure i tried my hardest before i could either say yes or no. all i wanted in return was her love,and her heart, and the truth.


How is that you failing? Is there something that your not telling us? It seems to me that you did everything you could and she didn't like where it was going. Unless a piece of this puzzle is missing, you didn't fail anything. Nobody failed, you guys gave it all you had, and it just didn't work out.



why?why is it that something that can make you feel so wanted, so good, so amazing, make you feel like your dying 1000 deaths. i lost her i said i wasnt going to loose her and i lost her. I need to think about me now, but i am so into other peoples lives to make sure they feel good i cant. I am the type of person who everyone calls on when there down or if they need help i am there.


Ever hear that risk and reward are related? Being in love is one of the most rewarding expierences you can have. At the same time, it is one of the riskiest. You give so much of yourself to someone, and that someone has the power to shatter your soul. Its okay, it HAPPENS TO EVERYONE. Everyone on this board have been dumped, or lost someone very dear to them. We can relate.



what karma is this?what do i need to work on to better my self?

First off, I'd recommend becoming whole by yourself. You remind me of myself a year ago when I could not function without my ex. She broke up with me a year ago, and I was cripple for six months because I did not have a life outside of her. That is a dangerous situation, and I think you put yourself in it as well. It's a common mistake, but this is when you learn what you did wrong, and NEVER do it again.

Another word of advice, you might have more success with responses if you start your own thread on the main Relationships page.

Hey im back, i had to take a nap as i was starting to feel light headed. guys i dont like the way i am feeling. It's like i was lied to, She said she loved me whith all her heart ansd would do anything in her power for me. And that we could work through anything that came our way. But now since it has come, she got fed up so easily and just broke me off. now she is going to feel sad, and now she is going to call up her guy friends, and they are going to go out and have fun.I loved her unconditionaly, nothing could stop me from loving, when i first met her i promised that i would try my best to let nothing happen to her and that i was staying and that i would never leave her. She made me promise that i would never hurt her and that i would protect her. I was her gaurdian, she had her heart broken once and i scooped it up and nursed it till it got better, and i owned that heart, she was in l ove with me and i was inlove with her.I feel ike i failed her. its one thing about me, i always stick to my words and i rarely promise anything. I promised that i would protect her and love her till no end and that i will never go anywere. ipromised i wasnt going to go anywere.. i did, i did, i promised, i promised. Why does it hurt so bad, it hurts omg it hurts, idont cry but i can feel something, i dont deserve this pain. i promised. and i failed, I DONT BREAK PROMISES, I NEVER HAVE!!!! Thats why i rarely promise anything, GOD WHY DID I PROMISE. I failed, i actually broke my promise. I protected her, took so many blows to the heart for her, i did everything for her see asked for something i would make sure i tried my hardest before i could either say yes or no. all i wanted in return was her love,and her heart, and the truth. why?why is it that something that can make you feel so wanted, so good, so amazing, make you feel like your dying 1000 deaths. i lost her i said i wasnt going to loose her and i lost her. I need to think about me now, but i am so into other peoples lives to make sure they feel good i cant. I am the type of person who everyone calls on when there down or if they need help i am there. what karma is this?what do i need to work on to better my self?


Throughout your whole post, you only said I, you did all the work. But you see that you didn't fail because you gave so much. It's unfortanate that she couldn't handle it. You were doing all that you can and she was not trying as hard. All you wanted to do was make her happy, that you neglected yourself. You got her love, you had her, and why do you feel bad that she couldn't see that? There is nothing more that you can do for her sake, You should be doing everything from this point on for yourself. Not her, not your friends. For you! I know you feel betrayed, hurt, sad, blaiming yourself thinking you failed. But you didn't fail, You only experienced love. The reason we experience the low points of life is to teach us lessons we could not learn in any other way. The way we learn those lessons is not to deny the feelings but to find the meanings underlying them. In your case You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy. You must love yourself before you love another. And Instead of thinking about what you're missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing...

OK get this people, on Saturday I hooked up with a girl I went with a few times last year, anyhoo my ex gets wind of this and emails the girl and tells her I abused her and that's why she dumped me.

Now this is all lies but why would my ex do that?

ok get this people, on saturday i hooked up with a girl i went with a few times last year, anyhoo my ex gets wind of this and emails the girl and tells her i abused her and thats why she dumped me.

Now this is all lies but why would my ex do that?

She's jealous and immature. Ignore it. If the girl your talking with respects you, she will believe you.

i know what you mean man, its like the one person in the world who gives you so much joy and happiness one days gives you so much pain and anger.

Why is it we are the ones left to pick up the pieces, i mean we did nothing wrong, we tried our best and didnt turn traitor in the first sign of trouble yet we are the ones left behind.

i know my ex goes out every weekend with her friends and im left alone, its just not fair.

First off, it's okay to be angry. Everyone is after a break up, but also you need to reevaluate your relationship. Maybe you did do things wrong but didn't realize it. Ending a relationship is hard to do, especially with love being there. Take strength in your anger right now, it will help you move on. But you will come to a point where you no longer blame them

Second, life's not fair. Get used to it, you yourself are allowing this to beat you down and not go out. Call some friends, stop staying at home moping around. She's out, so should you be. It's what you do when you're SINGLE! Enjoy it, it's fun to hang out with people and socialize. That is why they call it society, put the ice cream down, turn off the notebook or PS I love you, get a shower, put on some nice clothes and get out there!

ok get this people, on saturday i hooked up with a girl i went with a few times last year, anyhoo my ex gets wind of this and emails the girl and tells her i abused her and thats why she dumped me.

Now this is all lies but why would my ex do that?


Misery loves company! That's why.

She does believe me and she's known me longer than my ex but she says she's going to back off cause she doesn't want to get involved.

I thnk this is unfair because I did have a great day with her and my ex has now ruined it, she will no doubt be going out this weekend and having fun but she tries to ruin this for me.

Shows how much of a b!TCH SHE IS

she does believe me and shes known me longer than my ex but she says shes going to back off cause she doesnt want to get involved.

I thnk this is unfair because i did have a great day with her and my ex has now ruined it, she will no doubt be going out this weekend and having fun but she tries to ruin this for me.

Shows how much of a b!TCH SHE IS


Well just don't react angrily it will justify your ex rumors... Your ex still wants to be apart of your life by trying to ruin what's left of you for her personal pleasure but it will backfire. You just keep your cool.

She's getting a rise out of you, which is exactly what she wants. Act like it never happened.

I'm going to give you a piece of advice. Every day you wake up, you have 2 choices. You could wake up and say "today is my day, no matter what happens I'm going to laugh it off" or you could wake up and say "today is my day, until me ex does something" So far you have picked option 2. Tomorrow, try waking up using my first choice. You will feel better. And for the love of god, stop going after girls your ex knows!

Thought I should share,

Just heard some lyrics from an OLD favorite song. Might help someone around here put things in perspective...

"I can't wait for you,
To catch up with me.
And I can't live in the past,
And drown myself in memories"

A bit inspiring to me, maybe it'll help someone. If not, then I'm just a loser :D haha jk

"zooropa1985 agrees: lol chuff shoulda copyrighted this style of post, he could have sold it off as a template and made a fortune"

Actually I have copyrighted and trademarked it. Every time somebody practices "Chuffing" I am to be paid a small but fair fee of $8.00.

Also, as for your ex making up stories I've run across this same lie twice in my life and both times it lead to me getting a girlfriend. Ironically it seemed in both cases to actually help me rather then hurt me. When I was told about these accusations I completely flipped out and beat her up... Just kidding, in reality I just smiled at them said "I'm not even surprised." The second time it happened I got a bunch of questions on the subject and answered them all honestly and pointed out several lies about the story she had heard. Long story short, this is one of those times when women think they are hurting you and other women find it fascinating that you are the subject of such emotion. Remember, emotion and drama are what women seek, and if one woman is stirred up to the point up making up abuse lies that makes other women wonder exactly what is so appealing about you.

"zooropa1985 agrees: lol chuff shoulda copyrighted this style of post, he could have sold it off as a template and made a fortune"

Actually I have copyrighted and trademarked it. Everytime somebody practices "Chuffing" I am to be paid a small but fair fee of $8.00.

Also, as for your ex making up stories I've run across this same lie twice in my life and both times it lead to me getting a girlfriend. Ironically it seemed in both cases to actually help me rather then hurt me. When I was told about these accusations I completely flipped out and beat her up...........................................Just kidding, in reality I just smiled at them said "I'm not even surprised." The second time it happened I got a bunch of questions on the subject and answered them all honestly and pointed out several lies about the story she had heard. Long story short, this is one of those times when women think they are hurting you and other women find it fascinating that you are the subject of such emotion. Remember, emotion and drama are what women seek, and if one woman is stirred up to the point up making up abuse lies that makes other women wonder exactly what is so appealing about you.

Have to spread the rep before I can greenie you but you are the master.

I agree with what everyone is saying here and taking it on board. Another thing is that my ex doesn't really know this girl, she had asked me out a while back when I was taken and my ex warned her off, she must have seen her bebo or something, I'm not sure.

Actually I have copyrighted and trademarked it. Everytime somebody practices "Chuffing" I am to be paid a small but fair fee of $8.00.


... The checks in the mail

...The checks in the mail

I'm glad I can bring people together :)

...The checks in the mail

I'll be expecting it by the end of the week or I'll have to terminate your Chuffing abilities.

im glad i can bring people together :)

I'm glad I'm finally going to get paid for this.

Hey all,

So today would have been 4 years for my ex and I. I'm a little upset, but I don't think that's the reason. It's funny, for the past few weeks I haven't really missed her in a bad way, but yesterday and today have been rough. I guess that's part of the territory, but I just feel like I REALLY screwed up the other day. I'm back to having a little bit of a pit in my stomach, feeling down about her, wanting to talk to her and I even started questioning things that I did which I have made peace with long ago. I don't want to second guess my actions in the relationship, that's pointless now.

Well, I wrote the check for the money that I owed her today. I didn't mail it yet, but I will on my lunch break. I didn't write a letter with it or anything, just a plain envelope with my check in it. I had immature thoughts when sealing the envelope like spraying my cologne on it or things like that, but obviously didn't do it. I don't know why, but I REALLY want her to miss me now.

It really hasn't been as long as I thought. I was feeling good, but its only been about 5 weeks. That's not much time now that I think about it and I'm sure that she still must think about me.

Why do I miss her so much now?

Why do I know that we weren't working out, but don't want her to move on?
I want her to be happy, just not yet. I don't want to think about her laughing, smiling all day, enjoying herself while I am being upset and wanting her to miss me. The worst part is, just a week ago I was laughing, smiling all day and having fun, and who knows how she felt.

I just don't want this pit in my stomach anymore. I am fully aware that we would have problems if we were together, but I almost don't care...

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Not stupid, human.
Fact, your were attached to this female for 4 years.
Fact, its only been 5 weeks form last contact
Fact, Past events have brought old buried feelings to the surface
Fact, Anniversary has those what if feelings back where you can feel them. Special days usually do trigger and intensify those feelings.
Fact, you need more time, and WORK, and above all patience with yourself
Fact, Low motivation, as its easy to slide into the pity pot, when our feelings ambush us. Especially the strong intense ones.

Solution, Weather the storm and get busy with what you know works to bring back focus, and motivation. Love yourself.

Big bird,

Sorry to hear you're a bit down today, I guess I probably would be as well, in fact I was when it was our anniversary but we had split up about 6 weeks before. I was really looking forward to it, but it wasn't to be.

After 5 weeks I was still well in the mess of the breakup. It isn't a quick fix sadly. Your bound to have her running through your mind on a day like today, its only natural.

As for how she is feeling and what she's thinking, well that's her problem. Everyone will tell you the same and you know this, but I know that its not easy to shift from your mind. I used to think the same, what's she doing, whose it with,is she happier?

Then after a while this goes to what the hell, why bother thinking about that, I cannot control that. Thinking about your ex in this way is like riding a rocking horse, gives you something to do, but ultimately gets you no where.

In time your thoughts will change to thinking less of what she's doing etc, to more just missing her company.

Then you start thinking that I can beat this, I am going to beat this and I will come out the other side.

But for now, I know how you feel, because I was there. I don't think I did anything at work for about 3 months, couldn't think of anything else but her.

But then, she gave me up, and that's her loss not mine.

Keep digging deep, it's a crap time, it will probably get worse, but it does and it will get better.

Just accept that it will hurt because you cared. If you didn't care and you didn't love the girl then it wouldn't hurt.

Stay with the NC, it will get you out of the hole you are in my friend.

in time your thoughts will change to thinking less of what shes doing etc, to more just missing her company.


Absolutely,

I know this, I know what I should be doing and I'm doing my best. Sometimes a little motivation just helps a little, you know? Fact is, that's exactly how I was feeling for a few weeks, and I'm looking forward to getting back there. I'm sure it'll happen, I was just spoiled lately and don't like going in reverse.

One thing I found is that I rely on music to make me feel better, however once the music caused me to start shutting myself off (headphones at work, etc) I was missing the social interaction which helps just as much.

Thanks for the words guys, I'm on my way, no worries.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Beating yourself up for temporary pain is not the answer. Nor are you stupid, you are emotional which at this time is taking over your logical brain. Stupid is not learning from any of this and despite what you think you are taking lessons that will make your life that much stronger when the emotions die off and the logic is still there. Stupid is making the same errors over and over which is something I did for years, you at least recognize the problem now, the problems in the relationship and that you are strong enough to change. That's smart, smart, and smart because I guarantee you most people never make the positive changes that will direct the rest of there life in a better direction. Real growth usually involves real pain... and how could it not, if you don't ever know something's wrong how can you ever expect to fix it.

Thanks Chuff,

You're certainly right about more pain = more change. I think that applies to just about all aspects of life.

Hey bigbird,

Kind of feeling the same way you are lately... after a week or so of feeling pretty good. My ex has been contacting me pretty steadily since the break up via texts, saying how she is thinking of me and stuff. I decided to respond 4 days ago when she got upset that I didn't visit her when I was in the area. I sort of said that you would have to convince me it was the right thing for me to do and that she would have to prove herself to me. She texted back that I was playing games (this made me pretty upset). I responded saying I definitely wasn't. She hasn't responded since and its bugging me. I know I will get over it though... and that I can't break down and text her again. She will be home the weekend after this one for graduation, lets see what happens there.

I feel the anniversary thing along with you bird, our four years will be in two weeks.

I guess I have haven't had anything to do the last two days which has left me alone with my thoughts, never a good thing. I decided on a limb to book a flight out to British Columbia yesterday to go see a friend. I am leaving tomorrow for 4 days so that will help I am sure. I am also booked to go skydiving on the 14th which will definitely take my mind of things... it's something I would never dream of doing but I think afterwards it will really make me feel better about myself. Anybody want to come??

I had immature thoughts when sealing the envelope like spraying my cologne on it or things like that, but obviously didn't do it.

Wow, glad I am not the only one who thought of this. 2 weeks in I had to return a pillow to her that she left at my place. I did it though and I can't believe I did... So immature and silly. The things people do when they get dumped... Can't wait for the day I can look back on all this and laugh at myself for some of the things I have done or thought...

NNG,

One comment - when you told her that you said she would have to convince you it was the right thing to do, you were almost inviting more contact, which I don't think you really want. Maybe you do, just telling you how it came off to me.

I know time is really sort of relevant, but its nice to know your in there with me for the same amount of time (4 years).

Oh, I went skydiving last summer. One of the best experiences of my life. I think you'll definitely enjoy it. Have fun.

One comment - when you told her that you said she would have to convince you it was the right thing to do, you were almost inviting more contact, which I don't think you really want. Maybe you do, just telling you how it came off to me.

Haha, reading that really makes me realize what a bonehead move that is... I think like you that in the back of my head, I still don't want her to be over me. I know I can't get back together with her, she has made me miserable in and out of our relationship.

Saying that though it kind of makes it seem like she is right. Inviting more contact when I know I don't want to be with her is PLAYING GAMES. Damn! I will come here next time she contacts me, I sort of do these things when I am emotionally charged from her contact...

Don't sweat it, its not really a big deal.

We both know what we need to do and are able to do it, sometimes just need that little kick from someone else. When one slips we have all these people to help us get back up so we can give that kick to someone else :)

Hey peeps, me again lol, listen this is a little of topic but I didn't want to start a new thread with it all as its not really a question more a statement, plus you guys already know my back story.

Well anyway I was dumped about 3 weeks ago and its got me more down than I thought it would have, see I didn't feel as strongly about this girl as I did my first love whom dumped me almost exactly a year ago.

So its been bugging me about why am I feeling so down about her and I think I know why... I'm pretty sure I'm still in love with my first love, I thought I was over her but getting dumped has brought out all the old feelings I had this time last year. Its weird its like I've went back a whole year in my life.

I saw my first love for the first time in 7months the other day and my heart literally skipped a beat, my adrenaline was going and I really did get a high, this made me think and realise that yes I still love her.

So my question would be is all this pain because my mind has somehow went back on itself, likes its almost mistaking the lose of this girl to the loss of my first love?

By the way ill understand if this doesn't make sense lol

Hey peeps, me again lol, listen this is a little of topic but i didnt want to start a new thread with it all as its not really a question more a statement, plus you guys already know my back story.

Well anyways i was dumped about 3 weeks ago and its got me more down than i thought it would have, see i didnt feel as strongly about this girl as i did my first love whom dumped me almost exactly a year ago.

So its been bugging me about why am i feeling so down about her and i think i know why... im pretty sure im still in love with my first love, i thought i was over her but getting dumped has brought out all the old feelings i had this time last year. its weird its like ive went back a whole year in my life.

I saw my first love for the first time in 7months the other day and my heart litterally skipped a beat, my adrenaline was going and i really did get a high, this made me think and realise that yes i still love her.

So my question would be is all this pain because my mind has somehow went back on itself, likes its almost mistaking the lose of this girl to the loss of my first love?

btw ill understand if this doesnt make sense lol


You rebounded with your latest ex... It got your mind off things for awhile and was fun, but now that its over, your left thinking about the girl you really love.

Hey Bigbird - I'm right there with you.

Suddenly, last night, I started crying. Its been weeks since I've done that. It wasn't like the usual cry. I just suddenly started crying heavily, almost sobbing, for literally 2 minutes than just stopped and went to sleep.

It wasn't like the cries in the first weeks of the breakup. Those "beginner" cries were cries of sadness, anger, confusion, hurt, feeling bad about myself, wondering "what did I do" "how can i get through this" "how can he do this to me". Last night's cry was just more one of "wow, I miss him." Don't necessarily miss the relationship I guess, but just miss him. Miss my best friend. Miss sitting on the couch with him until 3 o'clock in the morning watching awful TV shows. Miss stupid stuff. Miss grocery shopping with him. Miss him here playing with our cats. Miss him leaving his dirty towels on the floor. Miss his awful music we used to dance and listen to. Miss him rubbing my head after a long day.

Its not loneliness. I've made a point to surround myself with my great friends and family and have been keeping busy with them. But every now and then (ok, still pretty frequently) the mind wanders to the good memories.

I hope this sudden feeling is transition into the acceptance stage.

I just keep reminding myself I have many more good memories to make with myself, my family, my friends, and maybe one day a new love. But now, I got to close the book on the past 4 years and keep on moving.

People come in and out of our lives for a reason. And god, yeah I miss him. And as I write this I feel myself start to choke up. And while I know its definitely over and there's many great stuff yet to happen in my future, for all the pain of last 2 months, I wouldn't trade the past 4 years for anything.

Losingit,

Don't sweat it, the crying helps and it wasn't a lot of crying, just a quick release. It really helps, I know what you mean.

The funny thing about that is, when I saw what I saw earlier in the week, I stormed out of my house and went for a walk. When I reached the road, I wanted to cry. My stomach hurt, my heart was burning, something was wrong and I wanted to cry. I even tried to force it, but the tears just felt like they wouldn't come out.

I don't know why, but my body didn't want to. I'm not sure if that's a sign of anything, but it happened.

Either way, I'm starting to feel normal again, still having the mood swings, but they are evening out as usual.

Its great to know that you will feel better someday when these things happen. When it happens, you feel like it will never end, but eventually you learn that it will end.

Day 29,

Feel like crap. I know what you guys were saying about ups and downs. About a week ago I would go as far as to say I was feeling "good", and kind of free to carry on with my life. The past few days however have been real hard work. Constantly thinking things like "what if i hadn't said ...", "what did she mean when she said ...", "was there someone else", "could i have saved the relationship had I known what i do now", and "why did she turn so cold at the end". Even things like "is this a problem with me and will all future relationships end up with me getting screwed over". I'd like to think I'd learn from the mistakes but logic takes a back seat in these situations. I really can't wait for this phase to pass. Roll on summer

Somewhere between 40-50 days I'd guess...

Woke up this morning feeling pretty bad. I always thought of her in the morning, just for a while it wasn't hurtful, just a little bit of a sad, missing feeling. Now in the mornings I miss her pretty bad and it hurts. Plus, when I think of her, I always have a few little extras to think about as well now :(

Either way, by the time I was done showering I felt all right. I may start to keep a journal of how I feel throughout the day so I can note my progress. I'm worried this might slow me down though. I'll give it a shot and see how it works out for a few days. I guess that's sort of the point of this thread.

Off to work, hoping for a good day.

Another note:

Found a great link. Pretty much aligns with what is said here, but it showed up on my Google homepage this morning so I thought I would share.

One disclaimer: I'm not sure how I feel about the last line which says: "The best way to fall out of love with someone is to fall in love with someone else." Any opinions on that?

Link: How to Fall Out of Love - wikiHow (http://www.wikihow.com/Fall-Out-of-Love)

Hope this helps someone

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with.

I have been N/C for around 70 days (I haven't counted exactly how many). Wow, I never felt I'd last this long. I have had contact with her 2 or 3 times since then though, just 1 or 2 text messages about mine and her stuff. She initiated the contact each time and I've felt I've been very strong.

Seeing a new girl at the minute, no emotional crap involved though. Just sex and that's it. I still think of my ex every day and miss the old memories but I've came so far after 70 something days. I never thought I could do N/C when I first came here and failed after the first couple of attempts but then your mind gets up with being unhappy and you don't want to contact them any more.

Today, I'm a little sad - just one of them days. On Saturday I bumped into her on the street, we said hello and I walked on.. I thought about her for a couple of hours but then the rest of the day I wasn't thinking of her but was thinking about the action I was getting that night (LOL!).

Anyway - keep your heads up fellow N/C'ers. It does get easier.

Okay guys, I have been using this forum for about 5 months now. Have learned so much about how to handle things. I must say, through the topics that are locked up top, to everyone else's stories. So I feel it's time to update you guys from what has been happening

So, I took everyone's advice on to play it cool... Well, I don't know what to make of the ex's latest actions so instead of dwelling, I'm coming to the best advice givers. So everyone said, play it cool. Don't text her, let her text me and then take time to respond and think of what I want to say. Well, she texted me Tuesday night after reading my myspace surveys about random questions. Well she texted me about that, and other things that happened in our past and then our plans for the summer. Then this girl we are both friends with kind of likes me and my ex flat out said "I don't think she's happy we talk again by the way she sounded when i told her..O wells"

So I ended the conversation a short while after, say that I will talk to her later. Well, I forgot to ha ha! So wens goes by with not a word. Then she texts me this morning about how "she brought of the summer coach bag"(that I bought her)

any ideas? I'm not trying to jump the gun or anything. And the friends I have on this site would never steer me wrong, so take the wheel

Rome,

You're a smart guy. You need to evaluate how you were feeling, before, during, and after the contact that you had with her. Did it upset you, did it phase you in the least? I think that if you can handle talking to her, in a manner as you did, then you would be okay to talk to her again. There are a few considerations though...

She might just be jealous about the friend that sort of likes you. It almost sounds like her comment about her was slightly underhanded, meant to make you think of her as jealous/someone you wouldn't want to continue interest in. Just make sure there aren't any hidden motives behind her talking to you.

Also, I'm not really sure what your intentions are. Do you want to talk with her as a friend? Do you still have feelings for her? Are you interested in dating her again? Your post left me a little confused, but I'm glad to see that you are taking your time and handling it well.

That is a good question, what are your motives at this time? She obviously is trying to stay close on your mind, but its been a while, so what are you looking for with her contacts?

hasn't upset me, but my intentions are that I would pursue a relationship again with her. But ONLY if we talk out the problems that plagued the relationship before. I feel as though my jealousy and possessiveness has been taken out of the equation.

She brought my mom up and how they are close, so I said funny, you two are kind of alike... and she responded with "lol yea well your mom is and was like a second mom to me" and I said "im glad you guys are close...you mean alot to her and it means alot you still talk to her...believe me i hear stuff bout it everyday lol" she followed it up with "hear stuff bout what? and yea your whole family means alot to me sir.. Duh" so I waited 20 minutes and thought about it.. and said "about how she things would be different and how she misses movie night and stuff like that..." she says "O i see..yea I miss that stuff.. and i miss that good a$$ corn on the cob(inside joke) lol okay well i gotta go..Bye sir"

sorry to put it all down, but I know how everyone here likes details ha ha and you guys are my friends so Im not going to hide anything from you's

Rome,

I'm going with my gut on this one. I really can't say why, but your manner of posting leads me to believe that you are falling into this a little faster then is safe for you. I don't want to see you get too involved and get hurt if something backfires.

You seem to have a great attitude about it, just be sure that you constantly keep your head if you continue to talk to her. It only takes one slip... remember that.

I don't know what it is about today but I'm going through the same thing. I'm feeling down and a bit sad. I've thought about her a lot today as today is the 29th. We use to always celebrate every 29th, each month. I guess that's why it's bothering me. It's been almost two months since we broke up and last month was even worse. It does get better, but today so far has been awful.

I don't know if she is thinking about me but I rather not think about that.

I feel as though my jealousy and possessiveness has been taken out of the equation.

I know how hard you have worked and only time and the right situation can really tell, Aw heck guy, go for it, just remember, go slow, there is no hurry.


But ONLY if we talk out the problems that plagued the relationship before.

Communications and a willingness to work together, chances are you'll get good results.

Thanks Tal! It means a lot coming from you that you see such an improvement! Nope no rush at all, it's been 6 months so no harm is waiting ha ha

BigBird, I wouldn't say I am jumping in too quick because I don't have the urge to text her, If we stopped talking today, I would be okay with it because of this site and what I have learned from it. A girl doesn't want a guy up her butt all the time... Obviously what I was doing, was working, so why stop? I just am posting so I don't respond with stupid stuff and it gives me a chance to tell you guys about what's going on

Tal,

I couldn't rate it, but I agree. You basically said what I was trying to. Make sure you go slow and keep your head up...

BigBird, I wouldn't say I am jumping in too quick because I don't have the urge to text her, If we stopped talking today, I would be okay with it because of this site and what i have learned from it. A girl doesn't want a guy up her butt all the time... Obviously what I was doing, was working, so why stop? I just am posting so I don't respond with stupid stuff and it gives me a chance to tell you guys about what's going on

After I re-read it I realized that I was reading her messages as you sending them to her. The messages just seemed a little hopeful, but in reality if things are looking up there is no reason that she (and you) can't be hopeful :)

Its only been the 3rd day, and I sent her a message on Facebook today, god I'm pathetic

its only been the 3rd day, and i sent her a msg on facebook today, god im pathetic

Not pathetic, but hurting.

You need to think about your actions now, probably much more than you ever had to before. I know I did.

Think of how you felt after you sent the message, and how you feel now. I bet the way you felt afterward was nothing like what you wanted to feel like after sending it. It's a lesson that everyone has to learn, but once you learn it, the process becomes easier.

One of the keys to NC you might say.

Ha ha no problem buddy. I wonder how she's going to take it when she finds out I'm going to the bar with her best friend tomorrow night(me and her are friends as well and won't be just the two of us)

Yea, she sends the messages bringing up the past. I just keep the conversation light hearted and take it as it comes. Think I should keep letting her text me or should I return the favor? I'm thinking let her text me

Sounds good to me. Throw her a bone once in a while, that way she won't get discouraged :p

Lime... Don't worry, EVERYBODY falls off the horse when they just start. It happens, now take what you learned and felt after you sent that message. Get angry! Would you text someone that jumped you in the street? No! They caused you pain, they hurt you more than you should allow them, so why even bother with someone who hurt you emotionally?

Still in the stage of trying to get over with it I guess.

Its called denial, you just can't believe she did that, and you think you can talk her into changing her mind.

Well folks I went out and bought an electric guitar, I've never played one before so I'm going to fill this time by learning how to play like a pro

zooropa1985, there you go my man. Put this "free time" to learn the guitar. And when you do get god at it you can(if your like me) get some of that pain,emotion,anger out through those six strings.

Lime; I was in the same spot you are say how pathetic I was. In reality your not. You've just been weakend by the pain. As hard as it is not talking to them is best. Its hard, and I still can't master it but it is always the best route to take in this position your in.

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