Maybe. I think a lot of people break nc thinking that they're overdoing it.

This is my opinion on it. In the relationship, I'm always the chaser. I call more. I make more plans. I do this. I do that.. . somehow, I got dumped. If you call... two things can happen:

1. she'll say yes. You guys will go back to how things were. You'll be the giver. Her the taker.

2. she'll say no. you're back to square 1. sucks to be you.

I decided... why must I always be the mouse? Let her chase me... if she wants me enough, she can at least try to open some sort of communication. Will I ignore the first couple of times? Absolutely.

It's a game. It's a power game.

Comments on this post
ISneezeFunny agrees: very true. a lot of people get mad because NC didn't work like they wanted it to. don't expect it to get the ex back. that only happens like, 10% of the time.

Thanks Sneeze , however 10%... I don't think the figures would be that encouraging to be honest.

So you're telling me there's a chance!! Don't get all worked up I'm just kidding haha.

But really, I do understand what you are saying. I do understand the whole thing I just didn't know if I could "overdo" it. Like if she calls, I don't answer, got that part. Then, maybe she gets discouraged and doesn't call again... Now I know what you're going to say, "if she really wants you she will call again." I agree. Totally. I just didn't know if it was possible for her to call a couple times or send a message or something and me not reply... even if its "i miss you" and then her think I don't want her and just move on. Which may be best for us if she's not willing to try any harder then that. God I hate this

MLB33 writes: "God I hate this". Well, think about it: no one is in this situation because they just want to be.

But really, I do understand what you are saying. I do understand the whole thing I just didnt know if I could "overdo" it. Like if she calls, I dont answer, got that part. Then, maybe she gets discouraged and doesnt call again.....Now I know what youre gonna say, "if she really wants you she will call again." I agree. Totally. I just didnt know if it was possible for her to call a couple times or send a msg or something and me not reply....even if its "i miss you" and then her think I dont want her and just move on. Which may be best for us if shes not willing to try any harder then that. God I hate this

Look MLB I know exactly what your going through , it sucks and its not easy. Your just over analysing everything at the moment and you have lots of questions. That's fine , that's why this site is so good cause you can just come here and vent and all of us "know it alls" can keep telling you to stop... LOL. Don't forget you are still in the very early stages.

Ok anyway why don't we go with this , If she tries to contact you the first time you just ignore it. Then you come back here and tell us what she said and we can take it from there. Result: She will then know your not hanging on like a little puppy and might just start to miss you a bit.

If she doesn't and I'm sorry but this is the more likely scenario then you will have moved on and not spent all your time worrying about her and what to say if she does try to contact. What do you think?

If You guys only knew how piss'd I was at the responses I got when I first came to this site you'd be surprized. I wanted to hear things like call him and tell him how you feel, and things like sure he still loves you he'll be back soon. Thats what I WANTED to hear.

What I got was the TRUTH plain and simple. I can admit now what I really wanted was for them to sugar coat everything to make me feel better. Well they were RIGHT and he didn't come back. And they were RIGHT when they said if you love someone as much as we think our ex's do they wouldn't have walked away.

All of this BS about I have to many problems and I need to be alone to work them out. When you're in LOVE and I mean TRUELY in LOVE like I was with my ex, the first thing you do when you have problems in life is reach out to the one you love. The one that makes lifes bull $hit a little bit easier.

Oh and I love this one. I need to find myself so I need to be single. How can being in love keep you from finding yourself?

Well I was never more able to be myself and truely knew exactly the person that I am better then when I was in love. What i'm saying here is, when you are in love and I mean truely in love all the UP's and DOWN'S of life are just that much sweeter when you have the one you love to share it with. So tell me, if you add up all the excuses dumpers use to be out of the relationship DOES THAT SOUND LIKE LOVE TO YOU?


I would just like to say that this is absolutely brilliant. This is exactly how I have felt after my girl of 4 years dumped me a little over 4 months ago, and my breakup was a freakin' emotional roller coaster. I mean, she dumped me and fed me all of the "I need to be single so I can find myself" crap. I wanted her back and she pulled away, then I acted like I didn't want her and was done with it, so so she started chasing after me and said she wanted to work on "us." I tried for a bit, got paranoid that she was lying and looked through her phone texts. I found out that she was hooking up with some other guy. I confronted her and she freaked because she knew she was busted. Things where tense for a bit, but when I finally got to a point where I told her that I don't care what happened between us and was willing to start over, and that I love her and want to be with her, she had already started hooking up with someone else and basically just shut me out of her life.

But, even throughout the whole thing, I never stopped thinking that I loved her, and being with her made me a better person. It really did, in many ways. However, it couldn't have been the same for her. She couldn't have loved me as much as I did her, because if she really loved me and knew she was a better person while she was with me, she simply wouldn't have left. She just wouldn't have. Neither would have any one else's ex on this site. Plus, all the reasons she fed me did not sound like love, but rather like half truths, as if she was hiding something from me. And she was - she was hiding that she was not in love with me anymore, and hiding that she wanted to #uck someone else.

Best thing you can do for yourself when you wind up as the dumpee is basically just not talk to them anymore as soon as possible. I know, I know. It sounds like backward @$$ advice, because when you are in the middle of all this @#!t your heart is telling you that you still love your ex, and so therefore some part of them must still love you, and so you should keep talking to them so that you don't come across as not caring about them anymore. And you know what? You are probably right. Your ex will probably have some part of him or her that will always love you (depending on if you had a great relationship with your ex). But you HAVE to remember that just because they might always LOVE you DOES NOT mean they are IN LOVE with you or want to be with you at this moment. It doesn't matter if it was your actions that brought them to dump you, or theirs, or even if the relationship was mutually destructive. Point is, you would have stuck around and tried to work through the problems, but instead THEY dumped YOU. And then the next thought would be - "well why should I want to waste any more time on someone who isn't willing to stick around and work through problems in the relationship?" Exactly - you shouldn't. You're only getting older by the day. So, you should move on and not talk to them anymore if you can. If they, by some random chance, come to the conclusion that they made a huge mistake and want you bad enough - they'll find a way. If they had the strength to dump you, then they will have the strength to claw their way back into your life.

Also, how awesome would it be if you had all of this knowledge and willpower the moment your ex said "I want a break" or whatever they said to you. First of all, you would be over them by now, instead of days/weeks/months later still looking for nonexistent answers on this website about how to fix the problem. Second of all (and way less important of all - don't use this as an excuse to keep hoping), the chances would be greater that they would come running back to you if you just disappeared out of their life right after they uttered those words. That's when it would hit the hardest I think, because the longer you wait the greater chance they'll go bang someone else.

Saw the ex on the train and chatted, got to work and there was a text ''nice to see you today, sorry things didn't work out between us I hope we can eventually be friends''

I replied Sorry but no, that's not going to happen, please don't contact me again unless you change your mind about us

I'm not easing her guilt about us by being her puppy, this is the third time I've had to tell her I can't do the friendship thing... will she ever learn, I don't go asking her back every few weeks!

I don't think I would have texted anything back... "please dont contact me again unless you change your mind about us" insists that you're still interested, and lets her know she could come back any time she wanted too.

I suppose so, but its better than her pushing the friend thing every few weeks... it also implies that I'm trying to move on, if I couldn't move on id be her friend.

I had to end the confusion. Now she knows, I don't think she wants me back ever so it doesn't really matter, as long as she got the message not to contact me

Yea, I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that NC is for me to heal, and that my ex isn't going to call and cry for me to take her back. It's a harsh reality that is hitting me. I still wish she would call, but I know it's not going to happen. So I'm just going to continue with NC and just hope the pain goes away quickly. As weird as it sounds, I wish she would get another guy this way I could write her off, but then again I don't want her to get another guy. I know it's strange but hey, what else can I do

It gets a lot better, give yourself a couple weeks... Sure you'll still think about her, but not as much as you think you will, or as much as you do now. Make plans that benefit you and nobody else, when you think about where you'll be in the future, it should really make you happy. Doesn't matter if you're with someone or not... being single isn't that bad as far as I'm concerned now. @ Romefalls... my ex has a new guy, it doesn't make it easier at all, especially because she's an idiot and thinks she's in love with him after like 3 weeks... but yeah, kind of woke me up on how immature she is because she can't tell love and infatuation apart. NC works wonders, heed my advice and don't ever try and go snooping... I did it, more pain and confusion, and I felt bad about doing it. Just hang in there, things do get better, I know.

Yea, I don't try snooping anymore. I did when the break up first happened but it only gave me more heartache to see she was already requesting all these guys on myspace. So now I don't snoop and could careless. She looks at my myspace a lot and tries to get friends to talk to me asking how I am. This was her decision, if she wants to call she can make the call because I'm not. This time I'm thinking of myself and my well being

Unfortunately, my ex did one up. She sort of snoops... asks my friends how I'm doing and such. However, she e-mailed me to say that she's sorry and her last line is...

I hope we can be friends. I'll leave you alone until you're ready to talk to me.

... ball in my court eh? Two can play at that game.

Yep, you got to stay away from the grapevine because it will cause more heartache - however, the grapevine in a weird way is what gave me the strength to stop trying to figure out what went wrong and just give it up for loss. I my case my ex acted like she wanted to get back together for about a month. I tried and wanted to work at it, but she suddenly stopped talking to me after Christmas. I would have thought it was kind of weird and wondered why, but through my own means I found out that she was interested in someone else and sleeping with him already (and the words were straight from her mouth). And that was 2 days after Christmas. After that I simply quit talking to her, and she made no effort to contact me either. That went on for about 10 days, then she called me. We talked for about 10 minutes about random, pointless things, and then I decided I had enough and got off the phone. She never brought up that she was seeing someone else, and so she still doesn't know I know about it.


Bad thing about the grapevine though, is that it makes you want to contact your ex, and then you end up breaking NC and have to start over. After my ex called, I didn't talk to her again for about a week, and then I sent her a text (one of my friends egged me on to do it because she thinks I was too cold to my ex when she was trying to get me back, and insisted that my ex might be thinking I didn't want her back, when I did) so I texted. She responded and we sent a couple of messages back and forth. I sent the last one and she never responded. The next day I decided to give her a call and she didn't answer or ever return my call. OOPS. That was a day ago, and now I'm back to square one, but it at least reaffirmed my conclusion that she is simply not interested in me any longer and has moved on wth someone else. The lesson - spying on your ex and trying to find things out about them is only going to make things worse and make it harder to move on, but in some cases it's information you need to know so that you can get so pissed off that you have the strength to move on. Crappy thing about all this stuff though is just how fast it can happen. I mean, in the space of about a month my ex just totally pulled a 180 and stopped wanting to get back with me, and instead went with someone else. Makes me realize that she was just keeping me on the back burner until she found someone else...

What I also hate is that it's like, OK for her to contact me because she dumped me, but it's not OK for me to contact her because then I come across as weak and needy, and just push her away even more. Lame.

What I can't understand is why my ex added me on Facebook when she did the dumping and said no when I asked her back, she's asked me to be friends and I said no for the third time today... if she doesn't want me, or anything to do with me then why snoop at all?

Yea... how about this one guys... My ex's friend who wants to be mutual during all this.. IMs me because her and her boyfriend had broken up and I am friends with both of them. And she just happens to tell me that my ex(brianna) doesn't have feelings for anyone else, and she just hangs out with friends. What the deuce! This makes it so much harder to do NC

I think what is happening is these girls are all talking with each other, sharing their war stories, and what idiots their bf's are, and how they are being victimized. They are playing a deceitful game and the guys are yo-yo's. Females who want to be with you do not flirt with 'poor me' lines and roles. In other words, they are toying with you, and NC means NC. Just my opinion, fellows.

I agree 100%

I can't stop my ex from getting in touch. This is the third time I've told her I won't be friends but she just won't stop

I asked her back in December she sadi no so I said don't bother me I won't bother you, next thing a chain text at new year, Tuesday adds me on Facebook, today see her on the train (can do nothing about that) and she texts me, I hope eventually we can be friends... so I said no please don't contact me. I can't make it any plainer than that. What's her problem?

Yea, I told my ex I can't do friends. I can't see myself listening to her talking about a new guy or having all my feelings get brought back up. It's just not in the cards, I mean I wish her well, but can't be friends

I still find myself snooping too. It'll stop one day no doubt. I had to ask my ex why she left me and then a month later is secretly seeing one of my so-called mates, n then getting together. Her response was "i dont know. we just got talking." I had to ask how could you do that to me? And she didn't know what to say. I asked if she still loved me or had feelings for me but as you'll probably guess, I was left dissapointed and upset.

Hey that's life.
What can you do?

Yeah, it basically just sucks, but I guess we all just got to pick up the pieces and move on - as hard and impossible as that feels like. Only thing you can find any peace in is that, one day, it's bound to happen to them as well. I'm not really a huge believer in karma or anything, but I do believe what comes around goes around, and things happen for a reason.

With my ex - she only had one boyfriend before me, who she dumped when she got tired of him. Then she dumped me when she got tired of me I guess. Well sooner or later someone will get tired of her @$$ and do the same thing, and then she'll be the one to feel the way we all feel right now. Hopefully by then I'll have found someone new who appreciates me better.

It really bugs me though that it seems like after dumping me, her life is great. She didn't have to move, still has her same job and all of her friends, and a new guy just fell into her lap like that. I, on the other hand, got dumped, had to move out, had to change my job location, and had to start over with a new group of friends. I can't for the life of me find a single girl that I like anywhere either. Found at least 3 girls I'm interested in, but then I find out they have boyfriends - ugh. So yeah, I'm pretty much about as low as I can go right now, while she seems to be on Cloud 9. It's all good though, my luck is bound to turn around sooner or later - as will hers.

Got a question for you. To make a long story short we were in an argument... I don't know, 6 or so months ago. And when we were making up I told that our relationship wasn't like we were trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. She just smile said yeah and gave me a hug.

So here's what Im thinking. Maybe next week I don't even know if I'm going to or not but anyway, I was going to get some sort of wooden square peg and hammer it into a round hole that would be cut out of another piece of wood. I mean, just like a samll 2x4 with a hole cut in it and a square peg put through the hole. I hope you're getting what Im saying. I was just going to leave it on her porch. Going back and forth whether I should just leave that or a little note that said something like "It fits, just took a little work" or "Look, it will fit, and now that it does fit its even harder to get out then the ones that are in the right spots." I don't know I might not do anything at all. What do you think? It will be 14 days of NC on Sunday and also 14 days since she broke up with me. Haven't talked to her since that day.

Please give me an opinion and not just... thats stupid it will set you back. I mean, if that's what you think then that's what you think I just want to know

Mlb... that's stupid and it will set you back. There.

You're doing everything you can to get through to this girl... so technically, you're not really doing nc. Really.

Nc means... nc. Really. Leaving stuff on her porch... what is that going to do?

1. she has no clue what the hell it is... and trashes it.

2. she figures it out (maybe) and then what? It's not like she's going to say OH, HE'S SO RIGHT! ALL IT TAKES IS WORK!! I DO WANT HIM BACK!

... not going to happen buddy. You want her to realize she made a mistake. We all do. But... it'll only happen when SHE thinks of it.

Haha hell buddy. I didn't say I was going to I just said I thought about it. And you know, the hardest thing about this is that like you said "im doing all I can do." I know it and you know it, all I can do is nothing. I've not called her one time had any form of contact since she gave me the space line. I think I'm doing pretty freakin good here. I just don't feel like Im trying. I KNOW ITS FOR MYSELF. I KNOW

Ya know, some relationships do work out. And I know you know that. But it seems that almost none ever come back to say something worked out on here. And the absolute only option you give anybody is NC. Granted, it may be the best one, but nonetheless. Is it the only one out there? I mean, why is trying to get through to her so terribly wrong. I know what you mean by "setting me back" but... geez, is there no other way

Actually, I'm sure some people's stories work out... it's just that once they work out... they don't need the forum anymore. So they're gone.

MLB33: it's because you are hurting and need to get better. You've gone too far and gotten out of balance. That's just my opinion, though. If you are wanting to get walked all over and ground to bits, then NC ain't for you; you may need to start calling her up and texting and begging and just leave your personal worth and dignity in the closet. It sort of gets to whether you've hit bottom. Just my opinion.

actually, i'm sure some people's stories work out...it's just that once they work out...they don't need the forum anymore. so they're gone.
Sorry, I don't buy this; if it happened they would be back, believe me.

Finally, thanks george. Don't worry thought, Im not going to run back and beg or anything of that nature. I don't even know if Im going to contact her. I understand the set them free thing... I just don't feel like Im doing anything to help the situation. Maybe its over, yeah who knows. But sitting here, not literally, but doing nothing I should say, may not be the answer either that's all I was saying

MLB33: it's because you are hurting and need to get better. You've gone too far and gotten out of balance. That's just my opinion, though. If you are wanting to get walked all over and ground to bits, then NC ain't for you; you may need to start calling her up and texting and begging and just leave your personal worth and dignity in the closet. It sort of gets to whether or not you've hit bottom. Just my opinion.


And a good opinion at that. I know, I've tried the calling and texting, etc. Try it if you want MLB33, and I might be wrong but I'm pretty sure all that's going to happen is that you are going to feel good because you have contact with her, but then you'll feel like $#!t because you'll realize that having contact with her doesn't equal getting back together, even though that's what you want to happen. And then, you'll start wondering when she's going to return your calls/texts if she doesn't answer right away, and then you'll start to get paranoid that she's out with some other guy and doesn't need you (which could be true). You WILL be back to square one then.

I've been down that road dude, just 2 months ago. I know it feels like if you don't do anything then you'll be letting her slip away, or she'll start to think that you don't care or whatever, but dude she broke up with you, right? She was already slipping away anyway. She's the one who doesn't really care. That's the biggest thing about all of this that us dumpees take forever to realize - the person that dumped you created the situation, and there isn't anyone who can fix the situation except them. You cannot control it, no matter what you do, because you can't make them change their minds about the decision they made. You can't MAKE them come back to you. They have to come to that conclusion themselves, and the only way to do that is to let them see what life is like without you there. If you had a great relationship and spent a lot of time together, they will feel it. Then they'll either try to come back, or fill that void with someone new (almost always the latter).

I can't reiterate this enough - if you throw your dignity out the window and start calling and texting, and leaving wood blocks on her door she's going to think you don't have any balls and can't live your life without her. How attractive is that to your ex, or any woman really? Doing that will flush ANY chance you have down the toilet. That's why NC is the best option if you're trying to get your ex back. However, the MAIN reason for NC is that you are trying to move on and get WHOLE again without this person in your life. You are trying to get back to the person you were when she first met you - the person she fell for in the first place (and who other women will fall for too!) You shouldn't be using it specifically to try and get your ex back.

So basically there's two options:

1.) NC - she will feel void and MAYBE try to come back. MAYBE, and probably not.
2.) Call / Text / Beg / Plead - she will think you're a pu$$y and won't want you back at all.

Am I right or am I right?

Ha, you think I wrote a lot here? Go check out my post when I was going through my breakup. It's a freakin' novel. Comes from being an English major I guess...

Ok... george, I didn't mean I was sitting around doing nothing I just meant that I feel like I'm not doing anything when maybe I should be trying something, anything I don't know to get her back.

Confused... I understand all that. I swear on my life I do and I know it doesn't sound like it because I keep asking questions. I mean, hell I'm very aware of who broke it off haha. And don't think I'm trying to argue with anythign because I'm not at all. I know that wooden block thing sounded retarded but I know that she would know what it was. Maybe it wouldn't have an impact and maybe it would. Maybe it would be positive and maybe it wouldn't. I just want you to see where I'm coming from here. I refuse to look like some kind of wrecked desperate idiot to her. I have NEVER been in this boat before. I just wondered if a little push (the stupid block haha) might make her think a little.

And to add to that, Im almost positive she is with this guy that she worked with. The job was new to her and she talked about him but said she had dated somebody like him before and I didn't work out. (whatever right) When she broke up with me she said she didn't have any desire at all to be with anybody else. I know what you're thinking, I think it too. Anyway, this guy is filling her void that she would have if she was alone. . Know what I mean? I know if she really loves me and all that crap she'll come back nomatter what. I just didn't know if that would get her mind back on me.

This is such a good idea... Well, since me and my ex used to work together we would still see each other but I refused to talk to him since he's a cheating sack of s**T.. So I haven't talked to him or called or texted or any sort of communication in 2 months. I even quit my job so I don't even see him anymore... As time goes by I seem to hate him more everyday. I love it. I couldn't be any happier without him in my life :).

It's been two months for me. I still have times when sadness hits me out of the blue and I let myself have a good cry. I open my heart too easily. It's just always been so hard for me to say goodbye, even when I know it's the right thing to do.

Dude. I don't doubt that this is one of the hardest things you will have to do in your life. First loves are the hardest to get over for sure. In fact, you may never fully get over them. My ex was my first love as well, and I had never had to deal with this kind of thing until now. I mean, we were together from the time I was 20 to the time I was 25. We were with each other almost every day, and slept together every night for a little over 4 years. We were GREAT together (or so I thought). $#!t, her mother even said we were soul mates. And then she dumped me - and believe it or not, I still love the girl, even though I know she's with someone else now.

And I'm still having trouble with the breakup 4 + months later. I was with my ex for a long time, but some others on here were with their ex for much longer. I expect that all of us will continue to struggle with it for several more months. I mean, that's why we post on this thread.

Point is though, is that we all see where you are coming from MLB33, no matter if we were with our ex for 4 years or 40. It's all the same. We all have this in common with one another. Many of us are further down the SAME PATH that you are on. Yeah, there are variations here and there, but they are all variations of the same story. And we are telling you what we've learned in hopes that you will not make the same mistakes we did when it comes to begging/pleading/trying to influence the ex, and breaking NC. All we're trying to do is speed your healing dude, so you don't have to wallow in agony for as long as we have. You need to go back and reread what I just posted, because you need to understand that no matter what you do, you cannot influence whether they think about you or not. In fact, if you try to influence them to think about you when they would rather not, you will just make them want to think about you EVEN LESS, because they will feel like you are forcing them to confront the situation. All you can do is disappear, and let them start to wonder what is up with you. It's exactly opposite of trying to get them to think about you - in essence, your absence will make them think about you. If you are always there, texting and calling or leaving wood blocks or whatever, they aren't ever going to miss you or wonder about you because they'll know you are still stuck on them.

You know, it's funny. When you are going through this stuff for the first time and you are hanging on to that thread of hope, it seems like no matter how many people on here tell you to let go and go NC, you just can't. You read what everyone tells you to do, and somehow you just don't listen. I had like 50 people on here tell me to go NC, but I thought my situation was different for some reason. It's like, you have to go through it and come to the realization that NC is the best way on your own. To bad it usually happens after your ex has found someone else and you realize that all hope is lost. But the good part is, you learn a lesson that you won't soon forget, and so next time you find yourself in this position you know exactly what to do.

What's funnier is that I'm sitting here holding onto that thread of hope... and then I'm telling some other idiot DON'T THINK THAT WAY! JUST DROP HER LIKE SHE NEVER EXISTED!

... that's it. I'm out of here.

:: pretending to study ::

Ya it's much easier to give advice then follow it. But NC is almost always the best way to go. Contact after the break, can and usually pushes the other person further away. It's probably the hardest thing to do, but most things worth doing, aren't easy.

MLB: The wooden blocks idea is great. It's thoughtful, sweet, romantic, and it's a unique way of getting your point across. How could she not love it? Well its like I said a thousand times before, life isn't like it is in the movies. In some sort of romantic film that type of thing would easily win the girls heart, but not in reality; that sort of thing just doesn't work. I know what you're going through, we all do, we all try thinking of really great romantic ideas that will bring the ex back, but it's best to leave those ideas for the people who actually want us as a partner in a serious relationship.

See that type of tactic would probably work great if you two had gotten in a fight and weren't talking because you were angry at one another. But it doesn't work when the person dumps you because she "wanted to be single." You cannot catch what doesn't want to be caught. You can't change that sort of mindset. She didn't break up with you because she had problems with your behavior or something terrible you did, she did it because she wanted her space and to be single.

Look, if you really want to contact her go for it. Give it a shot, the only thing at risk are your feelings and mental health. Heck as far as we know you contacting her might actually work and bring her back. We cannot tell the future, we can only tell you our experiences. It's funny really, you remind me a lot of me, trying to come up with really sweet ideas to win back the girl you care so much about. Trust me, I've tried it all: flowers, poems, music, etc. and none of them worked. In fact they failed miserably.

You keep asking if there is more to No Contact then simply healing yourself, and the answer is yes. No Contact is the only sensible, rational, tried and tested path of the dumpee for two reasons: (1) anything else will only serve to push the ex further and further away and (2) if she comes back then you know that she truly loves you. Think of No Contact as a test for your ex, now sit back, enjoy life, and see if she passes and earns the right to be by your side.

Listen you. I truly truly know that everybody is trying to help. I hope I don't come off like Im trying to disagree with you. You're right about it being different when you are the one living it at that time. You kept saying things about holding onto that thread of hope. Yeah, know what you mean... Im squeezin the hell out of it. Do you ever think that if you tried somehow to contact her and it just totally blew up in your face... well maybe not that but you got the response that there was no hope at all left it would have helped? I swear I'm not trying to make an excuse to contact her. Its been 10 days since the breakup and I've not contacted her in any form or fashion once. Pats on the back are welcome thanks thanks haha. But really, I have this lingering thought in my head that maybe we will work out or something along those lines. Im sure you all had that same thought. I just wonder if you really knew 100% that it was over if that might have helped in some weird twisted way.

Listen ya'll. I truly truly know that everybody is trying to help. I hope I dont come off like Im trying to disagree with you. Youre right about it being different when you are the one living it at that time. You kept saying things about holding onto that thread of hope. Yeah, know what you mean....Im squeezin the hell out of it. Do you ever think that if you tried somehow to contact her and it just totally blew up in your face...well maybe not that but you got the response that there was no hope at all left it would have helped? I swear im not trying to make an excuse to contact her. Its been 10 days since the breakup and I've not contacted her in any form or fashion once. Pats on the back are welcome thanks thanks haha. But really, I have this lingering thought in my head that maybe we will work out or something along those lines. Im sure you all had that same thought. I just wonder if you really knew 100% that it was over if that might have helped in some weird twisted way.

We all had this thought. And we all hold on to that thread of hope. Only, some of us have been holding on to it longer and have started to see that it's really just a false hope.

Contact her now and there is a good chance it'll blow up in your face, and then there won't be any hope left. If you feel like you need to do that to move on, then do it. But if you aren't ready to move on and would like to continue to hope you might get back together, then leave her alone because calling her now might push her away. I'm not saying don't contact her ever, or that you can't work it out. My old boss dated this girl once in high school or college or something. They broke up and went their separate ways, and then several years later found each other again, and now they are together. It's rare, but it does happen. All I'm saying is that you can't work it out RIGHT NOW. It's been 10 days dude. Right now it's too fresh. Right now you need to let the dust settle a bit, pick yourself back up, and get your head back on straight. Once you have had time to examine the relationship, you might find that she wasn't the best person for you, and that you are just missing being with someone and not necessarily her. And this could take a long time. I would say 1-2 months for every year you were together, but I don't even really know myself. It's taken me over 4 months to finally begin to let go of any hope of getting back together. And getting back together could take a lot of time. Notice in the example I used above, it took them YEARS to find each other again.

I would tell her if she does get in contact that you need some time to think about the situation, and to not talk to you for a while. If she really wants you back, she'll respect that and wait, and you can take some time to make sure being with her is the right thing to do. Although, there's the possibility that she won't contact you at all, and I think that would speak for itself.

However, you should always do what you feel is right. We don't know this chick, only you do. We are just trying to give you advice based on our personal experiences. If you really feel as if you want to place your chips on that small chance that it won't blow up in your face, then call her up dude.

What helps me is to remember this: When I start feeling down about it and start missing her, I just grow some balls, and repeat to myself over and over "She doesn't want to be with me, otherwise she still would be. AND She's already with someone else, so why should I care anymore?" That tends to do the trick. :D

MLB I am in the same point of impact as you. It's been 11 days with NC and it is very hard. And yes, I do still hold on to hope that she will come to her senses and call me and try to work things out. But I also know this NC is for me to heal, which I am getting better. Hang in there, my ex is giving all types of warning signs that she is curious to how I am doing, looking at my myspace, driving by my house in her friends car, having her friends randomly call me at 11:30 to ask about a weird IM she got and wanted to know if I knew who it was. I was put on speaker phone by her friend and could hear girls in the back ground. Her friend Sam also asked if I was with anyone when I called and then when me n her friend Sam talked the next day she made it a point to tell me to "hang in there, she isn't having feelings for anyone else at all" and then another friend IMs after 2 1/2 weeks of not even speaking to me and seeing me at work to find out how I am doing... So trust me, it's hard but NC is best if you want any shot of getting her back. It's one of the hardest things you will do, but you have come to almost 2 weeks and it would be stupid to go back to square one and then you're wishing you never took that plunge. Just stick it out, if it's meant to be it will happen.

Listen ya'll. I truly truly know that everybody is trying to help. I hope I dont come off like Im trying to disagree with you. Youre right about it being different when you are the one living it at that time. You kept saying things about holding onto that thread of hope. Yeah, know what you mean....Im squeezin the hell out of it. Do you ever think that if you tried somehow to contact her and it just totally blew up in your face...well maybe not that but you got the response that there was no hope at all left it would have helped? I swear im not trying to make an excuse to contact her. Its been 10 days since the breakup and I've not contacted her in any form or fashion once. Pats on the back are welcome thanks thanks haha. But really, I have this lingering thought in my head that maybe we will work out or something along those lines. Im sure you all had that same thought. I just wonder if you really knew 100% that it was over if that might have helped in some weird twisted way.

No because even if they say "IT'S 100% OVER FOREVER" you're not going to believe it... It's because you are in the DENIAL stage of grief.

Out of all the stages of grief that you are going to go through, Denial seems to last the longest...

I'm still in some form of Denial... After all this time I still find it so hard to believe that the man I knew so well and loved so much could ever do this to me.

So again we are telling you that hearing that there's no hope will not make you believe it. ONLY TIME and stricked NO CONTACT will ever make it easier.

Rome: How do you know she is checking your MySpace? I didn't think that was possible since there is no way to track who is watching and who isn't. On another note, I think the way your ex-girlfriend and her friends are acting is kind of immature. I'm glad you are staying above the fray and not falling into their game. Above all though I hope you're still on track with the jealousy courses. I feel that once you truly fix that part of your life everything else will nicely fall into place... with or without the ex.

And a good opinion at that. I know, I've tried the calling and texting, etc. Try it if you want MLB33, and I might be wrong but I'm pretty sure all that's going to happen is that you are going to feel good because you have contact with her, but then you'll feel like $#!t because you'll realize that having contact with her doesn't equal getting back together, even though that's what you want to happen. And then, you'll start wondering when she's going to return your calls/texts if she doesn't answer right away, and then you'll start to get paranoid that she's out with some other guy and doesn't need you (which could be true). You WILL be back to square one then.

I've been down that road dude, just 2 months ago. I know it feels like if you don't do anything then you'll be letting her slip away, or she'll start to think that you don't care or whatever, but dude she broke up with you, right? She was already slipping away anyway. She's the one who doesn't really care. That's the biggest thing about all of this that us dumpees take forever to realize - the person that dumped you created the situation, and there isn't anyone who can fix the situation except them. You cannot control it, no matter what you do, because you can't make them change their minds about the decision they made. You can't MAKE them come back to you. They have to come to that conclusion themselves, and the only way to do that is to let them see what life is like without you there. If you had a great relationship and spent a lot of time together, they will feel it. Then they'll either try to come back, or fill that void with someone new (almost always the latter).

I can't reiterate this enough - if you throw your dignity out the window and start calling and texting, and leaving wood blocks on her door she's gonna think you don't have any balls and can't live your life without her. How attractive is that to your ex, or any woman really? Doing that will flush ANY chance you have down the toilet. That's why NC is the best option if you're trying to get your ex back. However, the MAIN reason for NC is that you are trying to move on and get WHOLE again without this person in your life. You are trying to get back to the person you were when she first met you - the person she fell for in the first place (and who other women will fall for too!) You shouldn't be using it specifically to try and get your ex back.

So basically there's two options:

1.) NC - she will feel void and MAYBE try to come back. MAYBE, and probably not.
2.) Call / Text / Beg / Plead - she will think you're a pu$$y and won't want you back at all.

Am I right or am I right?

Very true. Though I would add that in a lot of situations, after the dumpee institutes NC, the dumper does come back after a period, BUT by that stage it is too late. The dumpee has started to get themselves back and wonders what made them so needy and reliant on the dumper. They like themselves and their life again and are ambivalent or wary about letting the dumper back into their life because they don't want to revert back to being the needy person the dumper made them! The catalyst for that might be that they meet someone better, or they may remember what they liked about being single.

It is, in my view, that ambivalence stage that the dumpee goes through, that often turns the tables and leaves the dumper needy and feeling like they have made the mistake of their lives in letting the dumpee go. BUT it is often too late!!

I actually took a page out of my ex's book and put a tracker on my page. Its not one you can see, and all it shows is an IP address. But me being an IT guy and having set up her entire computer network at her house I know the IPs. Not from stalking but because I was taught to remember those long numbers for work purposes. I feel as though the immature acts she is going about is to strictly get me to cave in and contact her by saying something along the lines of "stop having your friends do this or that" then she will deny it and feel the ball is back in her court. I'm not going back to that point again. And thanks, I am still on track. I'm on my second course as week speak, got 2 weeks left on it then I start my 3rd. I passed my first course and even got a call from the instructor saying he has never seen someone so determined and motivated to better themselves before. About everything falling into place, I'm sure it will. Everything happens for a reason, and it's to the point where her childish antics are actually helping me move on even better. I would respect her much more if she just came right out and said "can we talk" instead of these games

Rome: Wow that's a neat little trick there. It's good that you know the IP address or the tracker seems as if it would be pretty useless. Is she doing the same thing and tracking your views? Does she know your IP address?

Well good job on the classes. I'm really glad to hear that. You definitely have to keep that up. As for the ex's antics, just continue to brush them aside. Looks like the ball in your court and it's going to stay that way.

My friend actually challenged me to not look at her myspace anymore, so since the day before New Years, I have not went onto her myspace at all. And can honestly say, I feel very calm and relaxed about it. It was tough for the first few days, but once I hit a week, I don't even have the urge to go on anymore. So nothing is getting popped up from my IP on hers lol... That might be the start of all the antics and now that I don't text her 24/7 and talk to her at work, she is starting to wonder... What happened ha ha... I'm starting to feel not so powerless anymore, after all that I have accomplished with everything, I feel as though I am stronger and standing a lot taller than what she is right now.

Rome: That's really interesting. I'm thinking I might get me one of those trackers. Question, if you don't know the person's IP address is there a way to track it back? If so how?

There a few other options out there for myspace trackers. If you Google myspace trackers you can read up on some of the features each one has to be assess which one if the best suit for you.

Thanks for the response confused, Im just glad somebody actually took into consideration what is really happening. I think what Im going to do is just wait a month or prob somewhere between one and two months and see what happens. If I contact her it will be around 2 months. I'm sure I'll have my head leveled out by then. Hopefully. It absolutely blows my mind that she hasn't called just because the kind of person she is.

And Rome, Im glad somebody is in the same boat as me. Like I said before the only diff is that you know she is wondering about you. I know nothing. Which may be better in the long run who knows. I just wish I could get that sense of power back.

Yea, but sometimes wondering gives you a false sense of hope. That's the road I am doing my best not to go down, not because I don't want to.. because I do.. but because I know if I go down it, I will more than likely end up back where I started. It's tough man, but we need to stick it out. We are both on the same day of NC and I know exactly what you are feeling bro... It's hard, my first thought when I wake up is "I hope I don't blow this NC and text her today" and my last thought before I go to bed is "I wonder if she is thinking about me" We can do this, either way the NC is going to work in our favor

Yeah, and as bad as this may sound. If I want her back I starting to think that NC is the best chance I have. Bc I don't want her to feel guilty and if she comes back I want her whole heart. If she doesn't, then like everybody says, I will be on my way and feeling better. And, I might not want her back after all this who knows

That's my whole thing... I told a mutual friend of ours, that her childish antics are just pushing me farther and farther away and I would be much more respectful if she made her point clear on what she wants or text me saying "we nee to talk" something with some maturity behind it. But who knows... Either way I will turn out better for the next step in life and so will you... NC will accomplish 1 of 2 things.. She will come back after she realizes she misses you or you move on and realize you found better

It is, in my view, that ambivalence stage that the dumpee goes through, that often turns the tables and leaves the dumper needy and feeling like they have made the mistake of their lives in letting the dumpee go. BUT it is often too late!!!!

Yeah, I can see that. When I tried NC the 1st time we didn't talk for 3 days. She started texting, calling, making me desserts and dinner. She acted like she wanted to get back together, and of course I wanted to. However, I was wary because she dumped me and I was hurt, and I didn't fully trust her. I thought she might want me back until she could find someone better, and not because she made a mistake. Hell, she never admitted to making one or asked for forgiveness at all. One night she made me dinner and I slept at her place. I looked through her texts and found she had been obviously seeing some other dude, even after I had asked her if there was someone else, or if she just wanted to play the field. She lied, I called her on it, and I stormed out. She kept trying for a few weeks after that, but then she started seeing a completely different guy. She hooked up with him, and basically stopped talking to me. I guess I was just a backup plan. Since then (it was Dec 27th when she hooked up with him) she called me only once, and I answered because it was an unknown #. That was like Jan 7th. We talked for like 10 min and I just acted all happy, even though I wasn't. She didn't mention a new b/f at all. Then, 2 days ago I broke down and texted. She messaged back 2 times but then stopped. I gave her a call to invite her out to watch a basketball game with my friends, but she didn't answer or ever return my call. So now, just now, 4 + months later I'm actually starting to just give up that hope, and I feel like crap for texting/calling, because I knew what the outcome would be before I even did it. I'm even more pissed she called earlier because I was doing well and hadn't talked to her for almost 2 weeks, and she basically tricked me into answering.

That's why I'm on this site, trying to help others to realize the faster they go NC, the better off they will be all around in both healing themselves and stand a better chance of getting their ex back (please don't count on it though). I don't want a bunch of other people to have to experience what I did, even though most tend to not take the advice and think their situation is different.


What I'm curious about though is, if any of you out there have had your ex come back around after a long period of NC, how long did it normally take? Here I go, sounding like I'm trying to cling to hope, but I'm not. I'm really just curious because all of us have experienced this, and it seems like patterns tend to develop. Would make a good psychological study kind of...

Thanks for the response confused, Im just glad somebody actually took into consideration what is really happening. I think what Im gonna do is just wait a month or prob somewhere between one and two months and see what happens. If I contact her it will be around 2 months. I'm sure I'll have my head leveled out by then. Hopefully. It absolutely blows my mind that she hasnt called just b/c the kind of person she is.


Tell me about it. It took me like 2 or 3 months to realize that my ex was not the same person I fell in love with, and still to this day cannot believe she treated me the way she did at the end. She was extremely secretive about the whole thing, and after the break up continued to lie or tell me half truths about why she wanted to split. She was very selfish in that she didn't really consider my feelings or what I wanted, just what she wanted. And I NEVER thought she would use me like she did, because I thought she was in love with me. Turns out I was just blinded. She did love me, otherwise she wouldn't have stayed with me for so long. But somewhere in our relationship she started to fall out of love with me. I just didn't see it, because my love for her was only growing stronger. And instead of her telling me about it then, she waited until she felt comfortable with dumping me and then stringing me along. Stupid b!tc#. See, as soon as I start to miss her and want her back, I just think about what I've just written and my mind immediately says "you don't want this girl back, she dumped you and then used you. Why would you be OK with that?"

I can relate to what your saying seems like they want you to do sooo many things but the basic things they can't accomplish. My ex started emailing me again after 4 months of NC out of nowhere. First it was Hi how are you and how you been? Then it was every day then it just stopped. I don't know what her deal is or what she thinks but I am glad I didn't just start chasing again when she reached out to me. Now I see that she hasn't changed and cause if she did she would be communicating what she is feeling instead of playing games. Good Luck! It does get easier!

What's so hard is this... like confused said we were all apparently blinded. Im not speaking for me yet, or anyone else here but it seems that the girl usually lost interest and we just couldn't except it. The hard part for me anyway is, still picturing that great side of her that loved me more than anything else on this planet. Its not their fault they fell out of love or whaetver happened. It definitely hurts and a lot of times makes me mad but what we are clinging to is that girl that we first fell in love with. Its just hard to realize that she may not be that person anymore.

MLB
Start thinking about the BAD things instead of the good , write a list and be honest with yourself , you'll be surprised.

Whats so hard is this.....like confused said we were all apparently blinded. Im not speaking for me yet, or anyone else here but it seems that the girl usually lost interest and we just couldnt except it. The hard part for me anyway is, still picturing that great side of her that loved me more than anything else on this planet. Its not their fault they fell out of love or whaetver happened. It definately hurts and a lot of times makes me mad but what we are clinging to is that girl that we first fell in love with. Its just hard to realize that she may not be that person anymore.

That's exactly it dude - you got it! I'm still having trouble accepting it, and it's been 4 + months. The bad things, like qualities about her that you didn't like (I'm sure there were very few) and any arguments, etc. will fade over time, and you will generally remember the good stuff.

And you are right that it's not entirely their fault. People change over time, and the person you started dating will likely be somewhat different than the person who dumped you. Even you, you are probably not the same person with the same goals, outlook on life, etc. that you were when you first began dating her. All of this is normal, and OK. What's not OK however, is for someone who used to love you to walk all over you, string you along, and treat you like $#!t. You don't deserve to be treated that way, even if your ex doesn't realize she's doing it (and sometimes they don't - it can be a byproduct of them trying to let go of you). This is why you go NC, so that you can avoid all of this, because it will likely happen if you keep up contact. So far it sounds like you've avoided this, so good job man! Keep it up.

But remember what I said about the bad things fading and you remembering the good stuff? Well, same goes for them. They will eventually begin to suppress most of the bad things too and hold onto the good memories - its just how our brains work. And this is where NC comes into play if you absolutely have to cling to the hope you'll get back together. Once the bad starts to fade out of their heads, they'll start to remember the good stuff, which will then fill their heads. MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE then they'll start to wonder why they left in the first place, and if they really deep down feel like they still love you and want to be with you, then they'll do something about it. Too bad it seems to happen after you've already accepted her as a loss and moved on.

But, if you are breaking NC all the time and coming across as a whiny beg / pleader with no nuts, (which you aren't so far, good job) you'll constantly remind them of the bad stuff, and therefore constantly remind them of why they dumped your @$$ in the first place.

Trust me, I've tried it all: flowers, poems, music, etc. and none of them worked. In fact they failed miserably.

Yup. After being broken up for almost 2 months I wrote my ex an awesome song. I spent hours recording it and mixing it. She listened to it once and was like "oh that's nice."

Yup. After being broken up for almost 2 months I wrote my ex an awesome song. I spent hours recording it and mixing it. She listened to it once and was like "oh that's nice."


OUCH!!

Its weird, everyone says let go of the hope that the ex will come back but when you get rid of that hope you come to the realisation that this may never happen and doesn't that make you feel more pain?I know it does for me.. that thought makes me feel kind of numb in a way.This sucks!

I just had a question and was wondering what you guys thought.. When people get drunk do you think their true feelings come out and they tell the truth? Or do they just start talking crap?Can you guys give me your opinions as this has been driving me crazy regarding something my ex said..

I would say it depends on the person, when I'm hammered I don't hold back on what I think/feel. And then there's always the saying "a drunken mouth speaks sober thoughts" or something.

MLB
Start thinking about the BAD things instead of the good , write a list and be honest with yourself , you'll be surprised.


I tried the above then but I still fail terribly. Back then, my friends would tried to talk me out of it, but I was still with the same guy! It goes on and on until recently when I officially became a Dumpee. But unlike previously, I can just let go now. No hard feelings..

MLB
Start thinking about the BAD things instead of the good , write a list and be honest with yourself , you'll be surprised.

I tired my hardest and my list is very very thin... I thought of about 3 things that bothered me about her.

I tired my hardest and my list is very very thin... i thought of about 3 things that bothered me about her.

That's a lie and a half.

Without even knowing a girl, I can think of at least 5 things wrong with her. (ladies, you know you guys can think of at least 10 things wrong with any guy... so cut me some slack)

Yup. After being broken up for almost 2 months I wrote my ex an awesome song. I spent hours recording it and mixing it. She listened to it once and was like "oh that's nice."

From one confused individual to another... I truly feel your pain. Such a shame when you put so much love and effort into your artwork for one person, only to have it thrown back at you. Someday though, someone will appreciate it.

I sometimes arrange a surprise spa visit for my Ex and he would go Don't do anything without telling me, I'm only going cause you've already paid it. Duh

What a blockhead.

Ok... update - Its about 6 on Sunday now. Day 14 of NC. My ex sent me a txt last night around 9 that said "How ya doing ____." The blank is a little nickname she used to always call me. I didn't respond. But now I have that sense of hope again. What is that anyway... how you doing? I wanted to say, oh fine pal how are you. Ya know? Just like a buddy would send or something. Should I send something back or do you think I should keep NC. Im 99.9% Im not sending anything back its just hard. What do you think?

OK, it's 6:05 PM; don't discuss your relationship on the phone, that is the first thing I would say; if she's calling to ask you to meet her somewhere, OK. So she texts about how are you; don't know, dude; if you are up to it and expect absolutely nothing in return, text her back, 'Great, and you'. But no texting or phoning about your relationship.

I would text her back. I think if you ignore it you just ruin your chances. However, it was good that you waited to text her. Anyway, what I would do in your situation is text her back the following: "I'm doing good, how about you? How's everything going?" (I would avoid the word great).

She may or may not respond. My gut feeling tells me that she won't text you back but I'm hoping I'm wrong. Also, I agree with George that you shouldn't talk about the relationship over the phone or text. If she asks to talk, offer to meet up somewhere, maybe a coffee shop. After you text her please don't sit around waiting for a response. Like I said she may or may not respond, and if she does it might be something friendly like "I'm glad to hear that. I'm doing great." It's hard to say but just take it one step at a time and don't get your hopes up. Remember, hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

Ok, update - Its day 14 of NC. Last night my ex text me "how ya doin ___" The blank is my little nickname she used to always call me. This sucks because it sets me back even though I didn't answer. I wanted to say "oh great how are you pal." Just like she's my best friend or something. I mean, I do want her back but there is going to have to be more there for that to happen I know that. But, should I sent a text back now or just ignore it all together?

Sorry didn't mean to post that twice haha

Ok my comp messed up and I just got your responses. I thought NC was NC. Im confused. Everybody always was saying not to answer or text back or whatever and now you think it may be a good idea? What if I text Im good back and she says OK good I was just wondering or something stupid like that

Or, what if she says why didn't you text me back last night?

Well I'm not sure what other people's definition of NC are, but for me NC is after the break-up. YOU don't contact the person because it makes things worse. Now when, and if, SHE initiates the contact after the break-up that's when you talk to her, however only if you are emotionally ready to handle what might happen.

Think about it, if you want a chance at a relationship are you really just going to ignore her after she makes the attempt to contact you? More then likely she will respond with something stupid, if she does then at that point you don't text her back and you wait until she tries again (my opinion). If she says why didn't you text me back last night tell her you were busy and you didn't get the text until really late at night (again my opinion).

Look, right now she just might be checking up on you to see how your doing without her, or maybe she's ready to talk about the relationship. It's hard to say. Only way to find out is to text her back, but only do so if you are emotionally capable of handling whatever will happen.

My computer is being retarded I can't see your post until I answer something. So... ignore this haha

I did text her back, I said, "im doing good, how are you?" She sent back "pretty good what have you been doing?" I then said "Just staying busy. And trying to stay warm." And that's where we are now? Have I done the right thing so far?

Then I said "you?"

And where's that at right now?

Then... she sent back "yep, I learned to build a fire. Its pretty." I said "I started to buy some wood the other day but I just decided to crank the heat up to 80." THen I sent another that said "I'm about to head back into town. Keep that fire under control. It was good to hear from you."

That was about 10 min ago haven't heard anything else. SHould I have something about NC because I was trying to move on

MLB33 said: "SHould I have somethign about NC b/c I was trying to move on"? No, you did fine, in my book anyway.

Nope. You played it cool. You told her how you're doing. Then you ended the conversation. You kept it short. Next time she wants to talk, she'll contact again. Good job.

You can exhale now.

I mean, I do want her back but Im trying to do this whole act like I'm fine thing. She said she was "pretty good" don't know Im trying my hardest not to read into that. But if it doesn't work then I for sure don't want to be her friend. Which she said nothing about Im just saying. So... I just wondered if I would have said something about not wanting any contact with her because I was trying to move on if that would have effected her in any way and maybe struck a chord that made her think wow he's reallly moving on.

Nope. You did just fine.

Don't read too much into PRETTY GOOD. You're fine.

If you want to move on, use NC. If you are wanting to take her temperature, then you are still in the game, so to speak. I think I wouldn't concentrate so much about what is in her mind. Take control of yours and figure out how to 'smoke her out'.

You're going to have to elaborate on that a little george. What do I do if I do want to get her back?

I'm so freakin confused... she just sent back "well-ok. I'll talk to you later." What do I do?? I want to tell her that I was doing so good until I got her text. Should I?

Leave it alone. It's done. Conversation over. Wait until next time. Until then, just know that you did just fine.

MLB33, you wrote: " She said she was "pretty good" dont know Im trying my hardest not to read into that. But if it doesnt work then I for sure dont want to be her friend." You mentioned 'read into that', and that is what I am referring to when I say not to worry about what she is thinking; you are more concerned about her actions, I should think. That is why I believe it is so important to get away from the phone, email, and texts; and see her up front, in person, body language and all. Some girls, like guys, will say anything.

MLB: I think you handled things very well. You were mature, calm, and lighthearted in your messages. As far as I'm concerned you did everything right. Now just go on with your life and wait till she contacts you again.

Also, it was a good thing that you didn't tell her you "were doing good before she sent you that text" or anything along those lines. Frankly, if you had done that it would have been rude and immature.

Just take it easy man and look at the positives: (1) SHE contacted YOU, which means that SHE was thinking of YOU, and thus means that NC worked in your favor; (2) Even though you waited a day to text her she responded in a very short time which again more then likely means you were on her mind.

Now this doesn't mean she will come running back to you and the relationship will work out. Nobody knows what will happen from this point forward. You just need to take it step-by-step and see where things go.

I may have messed up. I told her after she said that, that we I thought it would be best if we just didn't talk because I was trying to move on. She said OK I see how you feel and she understands good luck with whatever. So I sent back that I loved her (whoops) and said I didn't want to be that guy that's always there and asked how she felt. She said the way she did 2 weeks ago. That I would never be that guy and she always will love me but feels the same way she did 2 weeks ago and it just wasn't working. So I sent that I was going to be blount, if she wanted to talk we could and if she doesn't I love her too much to just hang onto this false hope. And then that's its been 2 weeks since we have talked at all and that she still feels the same way. And I wish we could have communicated better.

Got nothing back

MLB: Unfortunately there is no rulebook when it comes to these things so whether you messed up is hard to say. Would I have done things differently, yes I would have left the conversation alone after you had initially ended it. Does that mean following my advice would have had her running back to you asking for a second chance, definitely not. In fact, maybe she would have never contacted you again because she was happy to see that you were doing "good." Nobody knows, so don't beat yourself up because whether you messed up or not is subjective and irrelevant.

Now what you need to do is play with this new set of cards that you've been dealt. She told you that she still feels the same after 2 weeks and that "it wasn't working." MLB, take those words at face value and let this girl go. She clearly doesn't want a relationship with you. Will that change in the future? Maybe, but for now the answer is no.

At this point this is what I would do in your position. Basically I would just go back to NC until she responded to that last text of yours. You were blunt, told her if she wanted to talk you could but otherwise you weren't going to hang onto false hope. In other words you gave her a choice and you have to wait for her to decide. Until she does (if she ever responds) please begin the healing process and begin moving on with your life.

Just got an e-mail from the Ex basically saying "it's been awhile since we talked, just seeing how you were doing and that she hopes we can be friends but doesn't want to give me the impression it will become anything more than that." This was after she saw me with another girl that was holding onto me. Any idea on what I should do?

Just got an e-mail from the Ex basically saying "it's been awhile since we talked, just seeing how you were doing and that she hopes we can be friends but doesn't want to give me the impression it will become anything more than that." This was after she saw me with another girl that was holding onto me. Any idea on what I should do?

If you don't want to be friends tell her that and continue with NC.

The jealousy is rearing its head now that she has seen you are moving on!

Yea, she's making it seem like she's fine with me moving on and that she is too. I mean I did spend 2 and a half years with this woman so to completely exile her out of my life wouldn't be the best option. I might have to try this friends thing, but tow the line so I don't get trapped into the dreaded "Friends zone" I feel as though NC would further drive a wedge between us because part of me does wish things would work out for me. And being her first boyfriend I do not believe she has so many games on her mind, not to mention the fact that talking to her is the only way I will be able to show her I have changed with my jealousy

In case anyone has not seen this, or may wonder where it is:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-break-up-survive-101-use-you-wish-114179.html

Romefalls19: She was pretty straightforward in her e-mail, which I think is respectful. At the same time though, if you're right that she sent you this e-mail right after she saw you with another girl then my question is "Why?" She could have sent it any other time but this event sparked it. Could it be that she got scared and wants to be friends with you so she can keep tabs on you?

It's hard to say what her motive is. Maybe she really just wants to be friends. If that's the case then you need to decide if you're fine with just a friendship. However, if you want to be friends with her as a means of getting back with her then I would advise against it because I don't think it will work.

Who knows though, if you feel capable of staying out of the "friends zone" then just maybe things will work out. But in all honesty, it'll be a very difficult balancing act. Proceed with caution.

Yea, I am going to always proceed with caution ha ha. I have been friends with an ex before and it ended up working out after awhile. Because if I continue NC with her, she won't ever see that I have changed with my jealousy, which is the whole reason we broke up with to begin with. Even if we don't get back together, oh well, I'd rather have her in my life as that then nothing at all.

Romefalls19: You sound very sincere when you say you'd rather have her as a friend in your life then "nothing at all." So with that said, I think being friends with her will be just fine. My only advice would be treat the whole situation as if you just met, so don't go out of your way to spend time with her. Stay busy, be mysterious, and those few moments you are with her make sure she laughs and has a lot of fun. Nobody knows what will happen between you two, but whether it once again becomes a romantic relationship or simply ends up as a good friendship, it sounds like a win-win situation for you.

Yea, I mean we shared 2 and a half years and I'm at the point in my life where she means too much to me to simply toss aside that. I'm not going to go out of my way to talk to her or anything. But like you said the fews I do see her I'll make some jokes and bring up the past.. Like things we did together, not as a couple, but just like "hey remember on the cruise when you got so burnt and such" like stupid little things. Yea, it will be a win-win situation for me. I actually think I found the true meaning of love, being able to be happy for someone if they are happy, even if it isn't with you.

Romefalls19: I'm glad to hear that. I hope everything works out in your favor. Keep us up-to-date because I'd like to see how things go between the both of you.

I've been doing well for myself. 4 months of NC and I don't even care about her anymore. Deleted her from my buddy list, phone, myspace, etc. After 4 solid months of no talking, no contact, she friend request me on MySpace. When I asked her, she replied with "idk.. i'm sick of hacking other ppl's myspaces to see ur profile i guess. so that's a no..?"
What is she trying to do? And what should I do about her?
Thanks guys, my mind goes blank when I think of what to do.

Of course I'll keep you guys up to date. I'm going to be needing advice about what possible things she means when we are talking... Do I bring up the new girl or not?

Spartan24018: Think about what she said: "Im sick of hacking other ppl's myspaces to see ur profile i guess." It sounds to me that she is trying to either keep tabs on you or wants to get back into your life somehow (maybe both). Question is what do YOU want to do? Do you want at least have a friendship with this person, or do you just want to go your separate ways and forget about her forever?

Romefalls19: I would definitely not bring up the new girl. In fact I would advise that both of you stay away from talking about each others personal/romantic lives because it will only breed jealousy, resentment, and problems. If she asks you about this new girl just tell her she's just a friend. When you see her with a new guy don't bring it up and when she tells you about him just tell her "Hey I want to be a part of your life, but right now I'm just not ready to hear about these other guys. Is it okay if we change the subject?"

Eventually in a few months when the friendship is on firm ground then it will be okay to talk about those things. But ask yourself, at this point are you really ready to talk to her about new relationships in each other's lives? Personally, where I'm at right now I just couldn't handle hearing from my ex-girlfriend that she met some other guy. So I would prefer to keep those things private. But it depends on how you feel.

Yea, it is best to keep it private. Although I know the guy she has been hanging out with and he is such a tool and really I don't see him as a challenged at all and I was even told by her friend he is just there to see if I get jealous... So who knows.. We will see what happens but the pain in nothaving her in mylife would be too much you know?

I guess when you do NC right, good things happen. Haha but in all seriousness, that's a good insight look into it. I was thinking that she's jealous and nosey or she worries about losing me. I don't even know why she would contact me again. We've known each other for 2 years and she dumped me right at the day before our homecoming dance. So low of her. Anyway, I'm not really sure if I want her back into my life. No one has replaced her and she has one of a kind personality, she's cute and she's fun to hang out with. I guess I want to be friends with her, but should I make friends with her or should I let her approach me?

Romefalls19: Yeah I absolutely understand. However, at the same time don't allow yourself to get into a position where you're emotionally in pain because you're having to hear about other guys she is dating. Personally I believe you can be a part of her life without having to know the details about her relationships with other men. When you've truly moved on and are ready to give her dating advice then sure you can sit there and listen, but for now it's too early and talking about one another's personal lives will only create problems. Take it slow and one step at a time.

Yep.. I feel as though talking and showing her I can be that guy again will do wonders for me emotionally... Because we started as friends before when there was another guy in the picture and had no intention of dating and then it happened so who knows.. Fate is funny like that

Why is it that the rebound is always a tool?. is it the fact that WE think they're tools? I've looked into this... all my friends think my ex's rebound is a tool... obviously.

Then I looked into what other people thought. I experimented. During a conversation within my study group, we brought up the people that I saw at a bar recently. I brought up "the new guy" and my entire study group, with disgust on their faces, said, I HATE THAT KID.. . they don't know about my situation... they don't know about anything. For some reason, he really is a tool.

I went further. Found out that really, most of my ex's friends don't like him except for 2 people... and the two people happen to be dating one another. So the group is... my ex, the new guy, and those two people. Double dating, I guess. A lot of my ex's friends have stopped or have decreased talking to her... and actually have been calling me to hang out with them.

Someone should do a sociology thesis on this.

Romefalls19: There you go! I think you got the right idea. Hopefully things work out for you, if not then at least you kept a good friend. No one knows what will happen, but that's what makes life exciting.

Spartan24018: You don't have to do anything, she has already approached you through the MySpace message. You said you want to be friends, and if your honest about that and you have no intentions aside from that then message her back. I would say something like "Well you didn't need to go that far to see my account. If you wanted to be friends you should of told me. Well your added, I hope all is going well. Later!"

As always though, proceed with caution. Only message her back if you really are ready to be just friends.

Exactly... "Love is funny in a car crash sort of way" and ISneeze.. yea, it's weird. Everyone else sees this kid a total tool, he becomes WAY to attached to a girl, even after telling him "we're just friends" he will send like 50+ myspace messages anytime a girl shows any interest in him. I laugh it off and I'm like whatever you want to do. He has even told my ex "I'll beat his *** if you want me too" and my ex's response (told to me from 3 different people that we're there) "that's really sweet, but he would kick the crap out of you, no offense"

He has even told my ex "I'll beat his *** if you want me too" and my ex's response (told to me from 3 different people that we're there) "that's really sweet, but he would kick the crap out of you, no offense"

Don't you love that? It's happened to me as well. They were talking about me and the new guy apparently said WANT ME TO TAKE CARE OF HIM? And my ex looks at him, smiles, then goes... YOU MAY NOT Want to TRY. And her friends in the room then continue... YOU MIGHT END UP IN A DITCH SOMEWHERE. Then he didn't say anything.

I love it... Granted, I'm not the biggest guy but work out a lot and have been in my fair share of fights... But to see how much of a tool this guy is and say he could take me and the fact she shot him down very quickly was like... Wow.. dude you must have felt very little after that blow

Ok GOD!! Turn of events - I told you she text me and I waited a day and resonded. Then did everything right, 3 text and said I had to go to do something I don't know she said she would talk to me later. BUT NOOO, my fat mouth had to keep talking. I had sent something along the lines of "its too hard for me to talk to you do you think we should just not talk b/c im tryin to move on." Then she said "I see how you feel, good luck with whatever." So I felt the need to tell her I still loved her and all that crap. Its absolutley freakin amazing how that works. Long story short I called her today and she said she felt the same way she did 2 weeks ago. That she loved me and hoped it worked out in the future but it just wasn't working right now. So, like any fool, I told her everything. I told her I knew I wasn't suppose to be telling her this stuff but how I missed her and blah blah. Who's the tool here haha geez. She agreed we couldn't be friends. So its about 10pm now and I just sent her 4 text in a row.

To sum them up I said that I tried to find something to hang onto when I was talking to her on the phone but she never gave me any signs of wanting to be with me. That its OK if she wants to be single and that she's enjoying it because she should put herself first. I just hate that it happened this way. But if she really loved me like she said then there was no way she would let me go and that I finally realized that she was just letting me down easy. That I made a HUGE mistake when I broke up with her a year ago and that she's a great girl and I hoped things worked out for her. I ended it with, I really meant it when I said I loved her with all my heart, just so you don't leave thinking anything else.

Did I do OK? I really screwed the pooch when I kept texting earlier. So now its back to NC. Somebody PLEASE give me some direction.

Wow. Screwed the pooch.

Well, what's done is done. Contacting her to fix it won't fix anything. Leave it alone.

Right now, after all that, the ball's in her court. So... go back to nc. It may be day 1 again. Who knows. You know what you got to do.

MLB
You have done what a lot of Dumpees do in the first few weeks , this is because you didn't want to believe she didn't want you anymore. Your situation was different right , wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that :-)

Anyway time for you to start going NC fulltime and start healing for YOU!

Again we have said what you should do so go back and read all your posts from Day 1 because unfortunately you are probably back there again.

And don't beat yourself up about it , BUT do learn from it.

How in the world could I have messed that up? I mean, I did everything so freakin right. Short and sweet with the txt and I told her I was busy and she said she would call me later. What else could I have ask for at that time?

Let me ask you this, I wrote a little paragraph on the last txt I sent. I sent them all back to back and that was about 2 hrs ago. Did I do right or wrong sending those?

No one can tell you whether it's right or wrong because we don't know you... we don't know the girl.

As I said... what's done is done. Did you screw up your chances completely? Maybe... but again, no one knows for sure. Will she call/text you again.. no clue.

Right now, everyone here is telling you to concentrate on yourself. Do that.

How in the world could I have messed that up? I mean, I did everything so freakin right. Short and sweet with the txt and I told her I was busy and she said she would call me later. What else could I have ask for at that time?

Let me ask you this, I wrote a little paragraph on the last txt I sent. I sent them all back to back and that was about 2 hrs ago. Did I do right or wrong sending those?

You did a couple of weeks of NC and then she wiggled the bait in front of you , you bit and look where you are now. Back to square 1 and she knows she still has you hooked.

Ignore her from now on and start healing , or get stuck in this state of false hope for how ever many months your willing to go through the pain.

As we've said before , nobody just decides they don't want to be with someone they love. If she really does she will come back eventually , if that happens then you need to make her work for that right. She dumped you remember.

Yeah I get that. I swear I do. I was just asking if I did right or wrong sending those last messages to her. Kind of trying to show her I was OK with it I guess hell I don't know what I was doing maybe trying to make her think. Here it is again...

To sum them up I said that I tried to find something to hang onto when I was talking to her on the phone but she never gave me any signs of wanting to be with me. That its OK if she wants to be single and that she's enjoying it because she should put herself first. I just hate that it happened this way. But if she really loved me like she said then there was no way she would let me go and that I finally realized that she was just letting me down easy. That I made a HUGE mistake when I broke up with her a year ago and that she's a great girl and I hoped things worked out for her. I ended it with, I really meant it when I said I loved her with all my heart, just so you don't leave thinking anything else.

My opinion

YES I think you made a mistake.
Firstly she knows you love her , you don't have to keep saying that to her or you will come across as some weak little puppy who is just sitting there waiting for her if she ever decides she wants to come back. Doesn't really make her panic about whether she made the wrong decision does it , she knows she can do whatever she wants and you will still be there for her if she needs.

Geez buddy. Listen... I KNOW I MESSED UP. Ok? I thought I was stronger then that. I couldn't have been more wrong. All I was asking, and you didn't answer it, is about that last set of txt I sent her. I sent them and left it at that. I was just asking what kind of effect that might have. SINCE, I messed up with the others.

Sorry didn't mean to get pissy I know you're just trying to help. I just wish I would have stuck to my plan. I mean it was right there, I had it set up perfect.

Apology accepted , and I thought I answered your question in the post above.

Dude.

I think the last text you sent her was kind of weak, and the effect it will probably have is to drive her further away. Do I know that for sure, no. I don't know you, and I don't know this chick. But what I do know is that as soon as I told my ex that kind of stuff she ran for the hills and got herself into another relationship right away. You need to do what I wasn't able to do for 4 months and grow some nuts. If you can get this girl, and she stuck with you this far, you must not be that bad of a guy. Go find you a new hottie because this one is done with you and done with this relationship. Does it matter why? No. All that matters is that she broke up with you, which means she does not want to be with you. If she did, she could easily fix the situation by coming back, right? Right. But she hasn't decided to do that so far, so as hard as it is to believe, and no matter how much you love her still, you got to look deep down inside yourself and find the guts to just say SCREW HER, and simply stop talking to her.

She's giving you the same answer she gave you from the start, which is that she'd rather be single than be with you. And if that's the case, please don't waste any more time on her. You're only getting older by the day. I know you probably don't see this now, and all of our words are just bouncing right off your head because you are still in that emotional love cloud, where it feels like everyone on this site is attacking you and giving you advice that just doesn't seem right. I know we are complete strangers to you dude, but we all turned to this site at one time for help, and most of us didn't accept what we were being told during the whole process. It was only afterward that we realized that everyone on here was trying to guide us in the right direction, which is why we are now back on here trying to help the next guy avoid making the same mistakes we did.

I know you already dumped her once, and you two got back together. But this time, you are on the receiving end. Does this mean you will get back together like you did last time. Can't say that for sure, and you shouldn't be counting on it. What I can say for sure though is this relationship is, as of this moment and the two weeks leading up to it, over. Leave her alone. If she REALLY wants you that bad, then its on her to fight to get you back. If she is acting like she doesn't care and doesn't want want to put any effort toward coming back to you on YOUR TERMS, then she isn't worth your time anyway. Hard to accept, I know, but true.

MLB: Listen, what's done is done and it cannot be undone. However, there is a bright side to what you did. At the end of the day you told her how you truly felt. You told her you loved her and if it was sincere then you have nothing to be ashamed of. Seriously, as I said there is no universal handbook to relationships (oh but how I wish there was one) and so we as love struck individuals do what we think is best in any given situation. I'm willing to bet that if you had not sent those texts and things still didn't work out you would be kicking yourself in the butt for never telling her you loved her. As much as it sucks when it comes to these things you usually just can't win no matter what you do.

At this point just go back to NC and move on with your life. If she calls great, if she doesn't well then so be it. Listen to what everyone has told you and apply that knowledge as best you can. Only time will tell whether you made the right choices.

MLB I know how you feel.. My ex e-maled me yesterday morning asking how I was and if I could be friends and just friends. She said she doesn't want to give me the impression it could become more. Basically what she tried to do what wiggle her way back into my life so maybe she could stop having her friends get in touch with me for stupid reasons. Putting the ball in my court and instead of making it seem like I'm desperate to have her in my life I politely told her "I will only be friends if its more than that occassional hi and hello stuff. I'm not going to pretend we barely know each other, we have been there for each other for 2 and a half years, so if being friends means talking once in a blue moon or that awkward hello at work, then maybe it's best we go our own seperate ways but if you're comfortable with being actual friends then I would like that." So I dun know what you guys think of that, so let me know if you think I did the right thing or not. Any background you need to know about me or her, just ask

You ready for that friendship level? You ready to see her with another guy?

She has already said she wished to keep our "love life" out of our conversations right now because she said "she's doesn't want to hear about it" And even so, I already know she has been out on dates and it hurt at first, but now I'm just like "whatever" and doing my own thing.. I won't be making much effort, if she wants to be friends, we can be friends.. If not no skin off my back

Girl speak with forked tongue, kemosabe; watch what she does, not her talk. Listen with your eyes.

Umm.. george.. Care to elaborate for me?

Words mean diddly. Actions mean everything.

I guess what I was asking was not "are you ok with her dating?"

It was more along the lines of... will you be OK if she finds another boyfriend?

Ehh.. it's going to happen sooner or later. At least this way the 3 am phone calls, random IMs and drive bys from her friends will stop. At least I'm hoping they will ha ha...

I am currently living in a completely different world... my ex hasn't even tried to contact me in any way shape or form. At all. She lives 4 minutes from me... but nothing. Nothing from her friends... nothing at all. The one time she tried to find things out was just simply asking my best friend how I was doing... but I feel like she did that out of politeness.

Eh. It's a relatively quiet life... although I DO wish someone was here to take care of me.. . I got the flu. After weeks of telling everyone to get the flu shot, I forgot to get it myself.. . sad.

Yea I know how you feel ISneeze, you're hoping for anything at this point. That's why the friendship is important to me, I'd rather have her in my life as just that then nothing at all. We went through A lot together. Not like problems with our relationship but deaths, family problems and such. I was there when her friends abandon her, strangely the same friends that she is with now. So we will see how things go, we were friends before and we fell in love with each other that way.

Rome: All I know to tell you, haha advice from me yeah I know, is that you had better make SURE you are ready to face the fact that she may be with somebody else. Like they said, if you are that's great, no biggie. If you are not 110% sure, it will come and hit you in the side of the head like a ton of bricks. I thought I was ready after 2 weeks to just be able to talk normal. Not to be friends but at least talk with a level head... not so much. Just be careful man.

Here's prob my last question. IF, I know big if, but if she does call back or text back someday and I'm not over her how does this sound for a response... "If you are not ready to try and slowly work on things then at this point im not past this yet and its too difficult to talk to you. I hope you understand." I want to respond because I don't want to be rude. Im not a rude person and I never will be. I dotn want to be an a@@hole. But I think that is short and to the point. If she doesn't undertstand that then I'll see her true colors.

MLB: I don't think there's anything wrong with responding that way - it's honest and you are looking out for yourself.

The biggest problems I have with this whole getting dumped crap is:

1.) My ex seems like she is totally over me. Whether she is for sure, I don't know. But what I do know is that she's hooked up with someone else and is likely dating him because she has pretty much quit talking to me right after she hooked up with him. And her words on the topic were "He's so cute, I really like him." I, on the other hand, am just now getting to the point where I am starting to accept that she's completely gone, and it's over 4 months later. I haven't even looked at another woman. It makes my angry because it's like she had a head start on me. She basically wanted to dump me for a while I guess. I guess I was oblivious to it. It really makes me feel like crap, because from here it seems like her life is great, while mine sucks @$$ now, and I'm really just NOT happy. In fact, the happiest I've ever been were those 4 years I was with her - she made me an all around better person. I know I'll eventually be OK, and I can feel myself getting stronger by the day, but I mean, she really just flipped my life upside down, while hers stayed the same, only she got herself a new group of friends and a new guy to #uck.

2.) We spent a little over four years together. And I mean, just about every day and night together unless she was out of town, or we were in class, etc. We hardly ever fought, and just had an all around wonderful time being in each other's company. She literally was both my girlfriend and my best friend all at the same time. But now its like, not only have I lost my girl, but I don't even have her as a best friend anymore. She just doesn't even contact me at all, as if I never meant anything to her. I just cannot comprehend this, and I know I probably never will. But really, I just cannot understand how she could be that close to me, and then rip me out of her life and toss me aside like a piece of fuc#!ng garbage. I think this is the hardest thing, because we were so close and so good together. Practically all of my friends were jealous of our relationship, and wanted one like it. Even her mom said we were soul mates. And it seemed like it happened so fast. I mean, one week we were talking about moving to a big city and selling our furniture. The next week we get home from her friend's wedding and bam! She's done with me and I have to move out. It's really just like, I cannot understand how someone who was that sweet, kind and caring, and such a wonderful lover could just turn her back on me and let me twist in the wind as if she never cared about me at all, ever. I just don't think I would be morally capable of doing this to another human being, especially one I loved and cared for for so long - but who knows.

Anyway, enough of my little rant. Just thought someone might have some insight as to how the dumper could pull a 180 on someone they love (loved?) and leave them to suffer.

If I had known the b!tc# was going to do this, I would have broke it off first so she could be the one to suffer what I've gone through. Haha, I'm evil.

Just thought someone might have some insight as to how the dumper could pull a 180 on someone they love (loved?) and leave them to suffer.

I broke off a 6 year relationship with a girl that I loved very much that waned over time. She was my best friend etc but it was also a very co-dependant relationship. She was threatened if I spent a lot of time doing anything other than being with her and it's only now that I see that the best thing I did was to leave her and allow/force her to grow. It's ironic that she has now grown into the person I always wanted her to become once our relationship is over but at least it happened.

Anyway, when I cut ties I did it very abruptly and didn't give her the type of support I had given her over the course of the relationship. I was rude, abrupt and 'left her to suffer' on her own. I'm not proud of how I handled it but I think it was to steel myself as I knew inside to this day I still love her very much and it was the hardest thing I ever did.

Anyway that was just what I did, but maybe it might give you an idea of why someone might have handled it a certain way.

MLB: I don't think there's anything wrong with responding that way - it's honest and you are looking out for yourself.

The biggest problems I have with this whole getting dumped crap is:

1.) My ex seems like she is totally over me. Whether she is for sure, I don't know. But what I do know is that she's hooked up with someone else and is likely dating him because she has pretty much quit talking to me right after she hooked up with him. And her words on the topic were "He's so cute, I really like him." I, on the other hand, am just now getting to the point where I am starting to accept that she's completely gone, and it's over 4 months later. I haven't even looked at another woman. It makes my angry because it's like she had a head start on me. She basically wanted to dump me for a while I guess. I guess I was oblivious to it. It really makes me feel like crap, because from here it seems like her life is great, while mine sucks @$$ now, and I'm really just NOT happy. In fact, the happiest I've ever been were those 4 years I was with her - she made me an all around better person. I know I'll eventually be OK, and I can feel myself getting stronger by the day, but I mean, she really just flipped my life upside down, while hers stayed the same, only she got herself a new group of friends and a new guy to #uck.

2.) We spent a little over four years together. And I mean, just about every day and night together unless she was out of town, or we were in class, etc. We hardly ever fought, and just had an all around wonderful time being in each other's company. She literally was both my girlfriend and my best friend all at the same time. But now its like, not only have I lost my girl, but I don't even have her as a best friend anymore. She just doesn't even contact me at all, as if I never meant anything to her. I just cannot comprehend this, and I know I probably never will. But really, I just cannot understand how she could be that close to me, and then rip me out of her life and toss me aside like a piece of fuc#!ng garbage. I think this is the hardest thing, because we were so close and so good together. Practically all of my friends were jealous of our relationship, and wanted one like it. Even her mom said we were soul mates. And it seemed like it happened so fast. I mean, one week we were talking about moving to a big city and selling our furniture. The next week we get home from her friend's wedding and bam! She's done with me and I have to move out. It's really just like, I cannot understand how someone who was that sweet, kind and caring, and such a wonderful lover could just turn her back on me and let me twist in the wind as if she never cared about me at all, ever. I just don't think I would be morally capable of doing this to another human being, especially one I loved and cared for for so long - but who knows.

Anyways, enough of my little rant. Just thought someone might have some insight as to how the dumper could pull a 180 on someone they love (loved?) and leave them to suffer.

If I had known the b!tc# was going to do this, I woulda broke it off first so she could be the one to suffer what I've gone through. Haha, I'm evil.

Yar! Psh, women... My ex broke up with me and is away at college, we tried for a semester to do long distance and every time we talked she told how much fun she was having and everything was so great. But yet in that same conversation she would cry about how she missed me and that she would rather be with me. Anyway, xmas break... She broke it off. 2 years together, I thought we were stronger than that. And our relationship was just like yours. Her reasons were that she was having feelings for someone else, and she never really knew if she ever loved me, yeah, that was hard as f#ck to hear. So she tells me she doesn't know what love is, and then I find out through her Facebook that she was telling this new guy that she loves him after like 3 weeks of dating. What a hoe. She sent me only one email a week after she went back to college saying that she just feels different about us now, and that she's not sure about the future, but also that she doesn't want to give me false hope. I think she wants me to hang on to false hope.

Anyway, I feel the same way freakinconfused. I feel like she did have a head start, and that her life is so much better. But I know that in the summer when she gets back, ill get a call, but I'm not expecting anything. I want so bad to hope for the best, and that she'll tell me she made a mistake, but right now that seems so unlikely. And yeah, I don't want to end up being another one of her "girlfriends" so she can tell me all about some douche that she's dating, I don't think I ever will be. I know that if she wants anything to do with me its going to have to be all or none.

I'll tell you what I tell my sons: by summer, you should have a girl for each finger on your hand. You need to put this one behind you and get on with your life.

I'll tell you what I tell my sons: by summer, you should have a girl for each finger on your hand. You need to put this one behind you and get on with your life.

I figure by then, I won't care what she wants, and I probably will have a girl for each finger. Haha

I figure by then, i wont care what she wants, and i probably will have a girl for each finger. haha

The funny thing is, that while you are joking, you are probably right. Get out there, have some fun!

I know how everyone of you guys feel. I try so hard to pretend I'm fine but each night comes and I feel like I die a little more... No not suicidal, just the expression. I'm becoming hollow inside, numb to my feelings and just cold to anyone who pretends to care. Since I responded to that e-mail about being friends, she hasn't said anything back. I don't know what to think anymore, part of me wants to text her and just say hey, but I know that is completely wrong isn't it?

Don't do anything. Maybe I'm just in a sh!itty mood about my ex right now, but I would just forget her. That's all I want to do. Psh, women...

Yea I know... I mean this girl was my best friend and my lover... To lose all that after 2 and half years of being through everything together. It just plain sucks. I understand the whole false hope crap too... I mean I was getting friends of hers calling me at 11:30 at night asking the most retarded questions, another friend of hers hadn't spoken to me in 2 weeks then all of a sudden IMs me, she checks my bulletins and my myspace almost daily and now wants to be friends, but doesn't want to give the impression of more. What the duece

Rome: Listen man, if this is as hard for you as it is me then I truly truly feel sorry for you. I know that all the advice I'm getting on this site is great advice because these people have been through this and it didn't work out for them. I also know that they are just trying to help. I think we are kind of the same but not you know? From everybodys advice on here I know its wrong to think about your ex and wish more than anything that she would realize she might need us. But, that's how I feel. I don't want to let her go. I know I won't move on if I don't but at this point I love that girl way too much to just say the hell with it.

Im sure you read my post and I went a little overboard with response when she sent me a text. There are a million signs saying that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me now. And duh, she told me she didn't. I don't know that it means that she doesn't love me anymore. In a nutshell, Im just plain and simply not ready to move on. I know its terrible and its going to hurt me more in the long run but Im just not ready to give up on this girl yet. Somebody said before that you should weigh the risk vs the reward. The reward in my opinion is definitely worth the risk. Id do anything for her.

One more thing. I understand the NC thing and the healing process that is suppose to come with it. Like somebody said earlier, I shouldn't beat myself up over telling my ex all that stuff about loving her and all that. Because, if I hadn't said all that and it still didn't work then I would be kicking myself for not saying it. I want her to know how I feel. Don't get me wrong here, Im going back to NC because I want her to realize for herself that she "needs" me.

The advice you get on here is very true, IF you are ready to move on. Im not. And if you are not ready for that, then it seems like Im trying to play this game to get her back. I told her on the phone the last time I talked to her, that I knew I wasn't suppose to be telling her this stuff. She said "I know, youre just being honest." And I believe that is the way you should go about it if you aren't ready to let go. Hope that helps.

That's why I liked my response so much, it was a I can do without you, but would like to be friends. Basically putting the ball into her court about a friendship. I wasn't about ready to make everything seem like I was waiting for her to talk to me. Maybe it was the wrong thing to do, but maybe the right thing in a way. Shows I have changed quite a bit as 3 weeks ago I said we couldn't be friends

Yeah I know what you mean. The difference in us there is that me and my ex couldn't be friends. We both know that. I don't know if what I said was "right" but I really believe in my situation that it may be. The absolute last thing I want to do is to move on, and always have that lingering thought in the back of my head wondering what may have happened if I would have spoke my mind to her instead of just ignoring everything. I mean, even if I did NC and ignored her, I know eventually I would get over her but I doubt that I would ever completely be able to move on.

Well the only hope I have of showing my ex I have changed and will continue to do so is by being her friend and show her I can see her doing what she wants. While I may not always agree with her choices it is in fact her life to do with what she pleases. Love is a great thing when you have it, but sucks when you lose it

I understand. I just can't and never will be able to be her friend. It literally makes me feel sick when I think about what she could be doing with somebody else. She very well may be doing anything and everything I imagine or she very well may not be I have no idea. As of right now, Id just like to keep it that way. I don't want to know. Somebody if we get back together I might then I don't know about that yet. All I was saying is that in my situation and me knowing I don't want to let her go yet... Im willing to show her how I feel w/out being overbearing but just to make sure she knows how I feel about her.

I'm going to go with the don't ask don't tell military policy. I won't ask what she does with her personal life, she won't tell... I don't forsee her jumping into the sheets with someone but rest assured I also won't be doing the friends with benefits roll

Again, totally understand. That makes perfect sense if you are wanting to try and be friends. There is no way in the world you could be friends if you told your intimate things to each other. So yeah, don't do that. I just am having a really really hard time getting past my imagination. I know people say stay busy and Im not saying Im not because I am. But I still think about that stuff it really hurts me. BLAH, that sick feeling

Yea, you think about her with a guy in the sheets and 9/10 it's not true... Its a sick game our mind plays on us but it's a defensive structure that our mind puts up to try and make it easier to move on.. Which fails horribly ha ha

Yeah well whatever it is, it sucks. I can't get that crap out of my head. I literally have to almost gag. I really just don't know what to do. I think Im doing right, but time just won't move fast enough. For better or worse

I know how you feel.. Tomorrow will be my biggest test, it would have been 2 1/2 yrs tomorrow and I usually see her at work on thursdays.. yea not looking forward to it.. I don't know how to act, and won't know how she reacts.. I guess my biggest question is.. Will she even remember that date

Is she the type to remember dates? If that's the case... then yes.

Sometimes she does... I mean, I have a good feeling she will remember and we will have that awkward eyes meet stuff but we will have to see... I hope she is miserable tomorrow, because I know I will be.. Is that wrong lol?

Haha no. I don't even know you 2 from adam and I bet she will know exactly what day it is.

Here's a question. Might help a few of you also. Its been made clear that you can't "win" somebody back. Also, that your best chance is if they begin to curious about you. So, my question is... Is there a way to make them curious w/out just totally going NC. I mean, not like talking even every week, but just a text every now and then that kind of makes her think... he's so sweet. NOT, I love you I miss you I love you I miss you haha.
Just short and sweet.

Yea, you think about her with a guy in the sheets and 9/10 it's not true...Its a sick game our mind plays on us but its a defensive structure that our mind puts up to try and make it easier to move on..Which fails horribly ha ha

Ha.

It's a whole lot different when you know, 100% without a doubt, that she has banged someone else. After knowing that, you are still sitting there hurting and wanting her back, but you can't figure out why because your head is sitting there telling you that you are a fool for even considering it. Especially if she's already comfortable enough with the break up to be in the sack with a new man. Logically thinking, you don't want the ex back. But your heart still misses her, which is the hardest part to get over.

haha no. I dont even know you 2 from adam and I bet she will know exactly what day it is.

Heres a question. Might help a few of you also. Its been made clear that you can't "win" somebody back. Also, that your best chance is if they begin to curious about you. So, my question is....Is there a way to make them curious w/out just totally going NC. I mean, nto like talking even every week, but just a text every now and then that kinda makes her think....he's so sweet. NOT, I love you I miss you I love you I miss you haha.
Just short and sweet.


Haha, if someone has an answer to that, please let me know. I don't think you'll find one.

haha no. I dont even know you 2 from adam and I bet she will know exactly what day it is.

Heres a question. Might help a few of you also. Its been made clear that you can't "win" somebody back. Also, that your best chance is if they begin to curious about you. So, my question is....Is there a way to make them curious w/out just totally going NC. I mean, nto like talking even every week, but just a text every now and then that kinda makes her think....he's so sweet. NOT, I love you I miss you I love you I miss you haha.
Just short and sweet.

If she's actually interested in you, then she'll get curious on her own.

If she's not interested in you, this will push her further away and make you look extremely weird.

So, my question is....Is there a way to make them curious w/out just totally going NC. I mean, nto like talking even every week, but just a text every now and then that kinda makes her think....he's so sweet. NOT, I love you I miss you I love you I miss you haha.
Just short and sweet.

Well you could just send her a text every few weeks and what does that achieve? She realises you are still hanging on and will be there for her whenever she feels like it , therefore you aren't a challenge for her at all. She knows she can just explore all her options first and if all else fails she still has you as a backup. Do you want to be a backup?Women like men who are a challenge.

Not just that but you also let her get away with not feeling guilty about dumping you.

I'm sorry I know I sound like a broken record but she already knows how you feel , don't keep trying to think of ways to keep her interested because it doesn't work like that. And you won't start healing until you accept that it's over. Then you can start working on yourself and then IF she decides to ever come back , you will be in a better position emotionally to decide whether this is really the right thing to do.

At the end of the day its your choice but we can only give you our opinions and you can take them or leave them , but remember our opnions are based on experience.
And we are on your side don't forget.

Friend: Don't worry about the sounding like a broken record thing. Everybody on here does. Especially me.

Freakin: I just finished your masterpiece haha. I read the whole thing. Anyway, I can relate to what you went through so much. The only difference, and I realize it's a huge difference, is that I did go straight NC and 2 weeks later she sent a text and me being a "man" I figured I could just play it cool. Um no. I caved and told her how much I loved her and all that. Anyway, I said all that to say this... Im exactly where you were with the whole I want to give her the space but I don't want to overdo it. That is why I was asking about sending a text like "just thought about you today" and leave it at that. I see what friend is saying about she knows Im still here and it may not sound like it, but I know exactly what he's saying. There is a fine line somewhere between staying around because you love somebody and being on the back burner. I don't know where that is. The last thing I want to do is ruin something by making them feel the way I do. Maybe they should and yeah I'll admit I sometimes wish she would so she would see what she was doing to me. But what's the point. Don't get me wrong (I wrote all this before so here it is very briefly) she said she felt the same way she did when she wanted a break. When I was texting her she sent one back that said "dont be that way, when you broke up with me you didnt talk to me for a month." Make of that what you will because Im not sure, it could mean several things. I keep getting off track. ANYWAY, I just want to know what to do you know. I don't care what anybody on here says about just going total NC. YES, it's the way to move on with myself I agree totally. I just believe the risk vs reward here is worth the risk. Like you said, I just have to know, I couldn't go on (as pathetic as it is) knowing I might have left something hanging. I don't believe total NC is right if, hell I don't know what's right. I just hope you know what I mean. As of right now, I know 100% that she knows how I feel about her. So, I don't need to get into that. Just any insight would be great I'll shutup haha thanks.

Just so you know. I didn't mean anything bad about not caring what anybody says on here. I know you want to help. I appreciate it more than you know. I just meant, a lot of it is geared toward moving on. Understandibly so.

It's been over 3 weeks of NC for me, well NC started by me anyway. Everyone on here knows the e-mail she sent me. And maybe I hit a chord with her because she hasn't responded? I'm still holding on to hope of a new us, but won't give in to her at all. I'm not going to text, and today will be really really hard because it would have been 2 1/2 yrs today... I want so bad to text her and just say "hey, whats up" but I know that's wrong

Im not here to give you advice. I just wanted to say that I know what you are going through. I know me and you kind of kept up with each other a little on here and... if you read my post I'm on day... 4. again. Haha. I just don't know, and I don't think you do either of when or what to say IF you are still wanting to give them another shot. Not just another shot but a ligit shot. Assuming she really wants it. When you do you respond what to say all that stuff. Because you can't just ignore everything you know? Not if you are willing to give it another chance. Is the risk worth the reward? For me and I think you... yes

Get healthy first, and then make those decisions, without emotional baggage and confusion.

I can't believe I just read 40+ pages of this thread... Man that's a lot... But I guess you do that when you have nothing else to do at work... right? :)

I too am going through similar situation like some of you guys... My girl of 9 months left me, actually left the states and went to another country to be with someone else... It sucks, I've been hurting like crazy, but I knew about the NC so I started that as soon as she left... it's been 20 something days... she sent me 2 emails because she wanted me to do her a favor... I never responded.

The thing is, she thinks I don't know why she left... she lied to me that the reason she's leaving is to visit her dying grandpa and she'll be back... yet she took all her stuff, moved to her parents house, left me alone in our apartment and is now in Germany doing god knows what with her "Special Friend".

I realized that if I wrote her back, it won't solve anything... she's still thousand miles away and I'm here by myself. I had my friend change the passwords on both myspace and Facebook so I don't check it... I deleted my email, so now the only way she can contact me is my cell, which I can't do anything about since it's work number, and my work email.

IF she really wants to get in touch with me she knows how to, but I'm protecting myself and Really, really hard trying to get out of this denial stage and move on. It's so damn hard but I don't have to tell any of you guys this. Just like freakinconfused, my heart is telling me I want her back... but my head is telling me that I'm an idiot... she left me for another why in the blue hell would I want her back...

I guess we can only wait and see what the future has in store for us... I sure as hell don't know... my only worry right now is that my time is running out. I have no idea why I think that it's too late for me to find a girl again. I'm 25 and I'm afraid that I'll never find anyone again... Maybe it's because I'm not into this whole club/bar scene... and everyone my age or younger seems to be in it...

Good luck to all you guys... I know time heals all wounds, but man I wish I can fast forward it to about 3months down the road. :)

Don't sweat it you are going through exactly what is expected. Feels like somebody pulled the rug from under you and you are falling and can't stop. I understand it gets better and you will decide down the road what to do. Sounds like she actually made it pretty easy for u in the sense of making a decision she left you, lied to you as to why she was leaving and then has the BALLZ to email you for a favor? Sheesh. I went NC for 4 months with my ex she started emailing me the day after christmas and we have been emailing back and fourth nothing too deep but she emails me and we say a couple things the levels are up and down sometimes we email all day sometimes not at all. My point is every situation is different and my choice was to put myself first focus on me me and then me. Once you get into the groove of things again u will feel better and be able to make good decisions on how to proceed.

I can't believe i just read 40+ pages of this thread... Man that's a lot... But i guess you do that when you have nothing else to do at work... right? :)

I too am going thru similar situation like some of you guys... My girl of 9 months left me, actually left the states and went to another country to be with someone else... It sucks, I've been hurting like crazy, but i knew about the NC so i started that as soon as she left... it's been 20 something days... she sent me 2 emails because she wanted me to do her a favor... i never responded.

The thing is, she thinks i don't know why she left... she lied to me that the reason she's leaving is to visit her dying grandpa and she'll be back... yet she took all her stuff, moved to her parents house, left me alone in our apartment and is now in Germany doing god knows what with her "Special Friend".

I realized that if i wrote her back, it won't solve anything... she's still thousand miles away and i'm here by myself. I had my friend change the passwords on both myspace and facebook so i don't check it... I deleted my email, so now the only way she can contact me is my cell, which i can't do anything about since it's work number, and my work email.

IF she really wants to get in touch with me she knows how to, but i'm protecting myself and Really, really hard trying to get out of this denial stage and move on. It's so damn hard but i don't have to tell any of you guys this. Just like freakinconfused, my heart is telling me i want her back... but my head is telling me that i'm an idiot... she left me for another why in the blue hell would i want her back...

I guess we can only wait and see what the future has in store for us... I sure as hell don't know... my only worry right now is that my time is running out. I have no idea why i think that it's too late for me to find a girl again. I'm 25 and i'm afraid that i'll never find anyone again... Maybe it's because i'm not into this whole club/bar scene... and everyone my age or younger seems to be in it...

Good luck to all you guys... I know time heals all wounds, but man i wish i can fast forward it to about 3months down the road. :)

That is probably the most effective NC procedure I have ever heard off on here. Proper NC! No messing around. You are seriously on the road to recovery!

If the bar scene isn't you, try internet dating. Match.com is very good, and it will give you a big ego boost when you see the amount of hot available women who take an interest in you!

Seriously, 25 is nothing. If you have been this effective with NC so far, in 2 or 3 months time you will feel even better!

Just like freakinconfused, my heart is telling me i want her back... but my head is telling me that i'm an idiot... she left me for another why in the blue hell would i want her back...

I guess we can only wait and see what the future has in store for us... I sure as hell don't know... my only worry right now is that my time is running out. I have no idea why i think that it's too late for me to find a girl again. I'm 25 and i'm afraid that i'll never find anyone again... Maybe it's because i'm not into this whole club/bar scene... and everyone my age or younger seems to be in it...

Haha, it's a b!tc# ain't it? Ya know in all reality that you don't want the person back, but your heart reaches out to them because you loved them, and once that love is gone you just have a big @$$ empty hole there that you know can't be filled again anytime soon. I guess you basically just got to try to look at the positives and better your situation as best you can, and then one day you'll wake up and just not give a $#!t anymore that you aren't with her. And then, as you are working on yourself I guess, everything else seems to fall into place as far as significant others go. I met my ex when I decided that the college I was at wasn't going to get me anywhere, and so I applied and got into one of the best schools in the country. I was on the upswing then, and had a goal and purpose in life. And then to top it all off, I met one of the greatest people I've ever known (at least before she dumped me) and apparently did something right, because she stayed with me for 4 years.

One thing that helps me is knowing that a year and a half after graduating college she is still a freakin' bar tender. I worked at the same bar/restaurant as her after I graduated 2 years ago, but then I got my act together and got a good IT job. Right now I'm looking into going to grad school, or at least getting some IT certification classes under my belt. And, I'm trying to get another IT job that pays twice what I make now. But she's still a bar tender... ha. I have a head start on that front at least.

Dude, I'm 25 too. I think we're still pretty young and can find chicks. Yeah, bar scene isn't really my scene either - not because I don't go, but because there is a serious lack of hotties drinking at the bars near my house.

Robert7x writes: "I'm 25 and i'm afraid that i'll never find anyone again" You are freakin krazy, man. Lol

At the end of the day its your choice but we can only give you our opinions and you can take them or leave them , but remember our opnions are based on experience. And we are on your side don't forget.


Friend4u178 - I just wanted to tell you that you are an absolute genius for writing the "What to expect when you get dumped!" sticky. Every time I feel like I want to break NC, or start missing her really badly, I just read that thing over and over. My only complaint is that I didn't stumble across it right when she dumped me. If I had, I probably would have been much better off. I wish I could repay you somehow.

freakinconfused writes: "Friend4u178 - I just wanted to tell you that you are an absolute genius...." Amen; we just need to come up with some emotional splints and bandaids.

Friend4u178 - I just wanted to tell you that you are an absolute genius for writing the "What to expect when you get dumped!" sticky. Every time I feel like I want to break NC, or start missing her really badly, I just read that thing over and over. My only complaint is that I didn't stumble across it right when she dumped me. If I had, I probably would have been much better off. I wish I could repay you somehow.

Thank you "freakin"
You are repaying a lot of people on here by giving some real good advise... keep it up :-)

I too am in the IT field... I'm an it manager for the local law firm. The job is awse and pays really well. I never thought that I would get where I am today this early in my life. Maybe we it guys don't like the bar scene for a reason... I don't know. Its weird how similar our stories are and same age...


Haha, it's a b!tc# ain't it? Ya know in all reality that you don't want the person back, but your heart reaches out to them because you loved them, and once that love is gone you just have a big @$$ empty hole there that you know can't be filled again anytime soon. I guess ya basically just gotta try to look at the positives and better your situation as best you can, and then one day you'll wake up and just not give a $#!t anymore that you aren't with her. And then, as you are working on yourself I guess, everything else seems to fall into place as far as significant others go. I met my ex when I decided that the college I was at wasn't going to get me anywhere, and so I applied and got into one of the best schools in the country. I'm not gonna throw out names, but let's just say our basketball team won the national championship in 2K5, and is looking pretty hot right now!I was on the upswing then, and had a goal and purpose in life. And then to top it all off, I met one of the greatest people I've ever known (at least before she dumped me) and apparently did something right, because she stayed with me for 4 years.

One thing that helps me is knowing that a year and a half after graduating college she is still a freakin' bar tender. I worked at the same bar/restaurant as her after I graduated 2 years ago, but then I got my act together and got a good IT job. Right now I'm looking into going to grad school, or at least getting some IT certification classes under my belt. And, I'm trying to get another IT job that pays twice what I make now. But she's still a bar tender...ha. I have a head start on that front at least.

Dude, I'm 25 too. I think we're still pretty young and can find chicks. Yeah, bar scene isn't really my scene either - not because I don't go, but because there is a serious lack of hotties drinking at the bars near my house.

I agree l. I have that page saved on my iPod touch and I look at it every day. Sorry for some spelling mistakes but this thing is pain in the a$$ to type on.


Friend4u178 - I just wanted to tell you that you are an absolute genius for writing the "What to expect when you get dumped!" sticky. Every time I feel like I want to break NC, or start missing her really badly, I just read that thing over and over. My only complaint is that I didn't stumble across it right when she dumped me. If I had, I probably would have been much better off. I wish I could repay you somehow.

Hi! I am new to this site, and I am so happy I ran into this post. Honestly, I wish I would have found it sooner. I was dumped in August 2007, and remained in contact with my ex all the way into December. It has been almost 1 month since I have contacted him.

Whenever I get the urge to email him, I write a draft to him but I do not send it. I realized that it just gives him power to know how much I love him. So, even though I think about him constantly, and would give anything to hear his voice--I say it in a letter to myself. Then I quick exit the webmail, and pretend I just wrote him, and hours later I am relieved I didn't send it.

Anyway, you guys are great and very strong! I can tell we're all a bunch of big hearts in here, and it is sweet to see everyone stick together!

Yay! 1 month NC

<3 Laney

Good job laney, and welcome. You'll find this site's... ridiculously therapeutic. Look at my profile. 708 posts in the past 3 months. That's roughly 8 posts a day. It's sad. Imagine how much money I saved on therapy!

p.s. - oh yeah, I'm something like... 5 weeks into NC. Or something like that. Haven't kept track.

good job laney, and welcome. you'll find this site's...ridiculously therapeutic. look at my profile. 708 posts in the past 3 months. that's roughly 8 posts a day. it's sad. imagine how much money I saved on therapy!

p.s. - oh yeah, I'm something like...5 weeks into NC. or something like that. Haven't kept track.

LOL... sneeze why don't you work out how much you've saved and throw us all a big party :-)

LOL...........sneeze why don't you work out how much you've saved and throw us all a big party :-)

Well... let me try.

I've been on this site for a month and a half... coming on here everyday. I'll just condense it down to... twice a week... an hour per session? In my city, it's about $130 an hour for therapy.

$130 per meeting...
$260 per week...
$1560 for 6 weeks.

... holy cow.

Not to mention how much money I saved from being single. Good lord.

Omg I'm so freakin confused.. again!you guys are all much stronger than me as unfortunately I still have contact with my ex. I just keep getting stuck! But we were supposed to try and be friends.. again.. lol. It workd for a while than a few days ago he see's me dancing with a guy in a club and actually looses it!He pulled me away and basically yelled at me to stop dancing with him!

Wot the? He is the one who wanted to end it!Said he had no feelings.. Now he's doing this?We had a text fight today and he basically said to me that he still has feelings but I'm not his type.. Again what? I don't understant what he means by this?Can anyone explain what it could mean lol.. How can you say someone's not your type (yet we went out for a year) and than also say you still have feelings and lose it when he see's me just dancing with someone else?

Help please!

Gigi writes: "How can you say someones not your type (yet we went out for a year) and than also say you still have feelings and lose it when he see's me just dancing with someone else??" He is having identity issues, perhaps maturity issues.

Why are you listening to this immature control freak?? Why are you talking to him? Why are you doing this to yourself? He is a nut and that explains his actions, but what are you?? You need to decide what you want more, to be healthy and happy, in which case, grow up and protect yourself. Or be miserable and confused, by keeping his disruptive behavior in your life. Its like expecting a drunk to drive you home safely. Does that make sense to you?? Stop the contact, and get healthy.

It's the first day of NC and I am already floundering. I mentioned this in another post, but I deleted him from Facebook, deleted all our pictures together, and deleted him off my AIM. The problem wasn't that he was cruel or not responding to me. Only that he was being nice and friendly when what he really wanted to say was "I don't love you anymore and don't want anything to do with you. I don't want to hurt you, but please leave me alone."

When I deleted him from Facebook, I even had the courtesy to send him a joint message explaining that I felt b****y for exploding at him, although it was because he wasn't telling me the truth, and that this was for my own purposes so that I don't bother him anymore.

It hurts that he didn't reply, although I expected it. It shows that he is finally acknowledging his truth.

It's the start of the first semester and I need to concentrate on my studies. I don't want to get back together. But I just miss his company.

The good thing about yesterday's purge is that because I have made such a big deal of deleting him from my life, to contact him would show how truly obsessive I am about him. God it's 8 in the morning and I slept to thoughts of him and woke up to thoughts of him. When will this agony end??

jiltedgirl asks: "When will this agony end????" It will be a while. You mentioned being obsessive and that word packs a punch. I use the word, 'addiction', to describe what you are going through, and cold turkey is the best way out of it, IMOP. It is day by day; fortunately, within a few weeks you will notice the raw edges begin to numb, if that is the right word. There will be lots of help for you here; just wait.

God it hurts so much. I suddenly started sobbing and can't stop from the pain of my heart ripping in two. I remember when he would say such sweet things to me and I would tease him not to say things that he doesn't mean. I miss those times. He still says things he doesn't mean, but now not because he wants to show how much he cares, but so he won't hurt my feelings.

It's not that I haven't been hurt before. He was there for me when I was going through the pain of a previous breakup. I remember thinking "I've finally found a guy that likes me for me and who I like back." I eased into the relationship cautiously and held myself back a lot. Opening up was my downfall because I started to care more than he does. He was patient and unerstanding. The loss of his feelings for me feel like the ultimate betrayal.

I never want to hurt like this again.

God it hurts so much. I suddenly started sobbing and can't stop from the pain of my heart ripping in two. I remember when he would say such sweet things to me and I would tease him not to say things that he doesn't mean. I miss those times. He still says things he doesn't mean, but now not because he wants to show how much he cares, but so he won't hurt my feelings.

It's not that I haven't been hurt before. He was there for me when I was going through the pain of a previous breakup. I remember thinking "I've finally found a guy that likes me for me and who I like back." I eased into the relationship cautiously and held myself back alot. Opening up was my downfall because I started to care more than he does. He was patient and unerstanding. The loss of his feelings for me feel like the ultimate betrayal.

I never want to hurt like this again.

As hard as it may be right now, try to think of the bad things about him, I'm sure there are some. After 2 weeks I could only come up with 3, now after about a month I have about 8, I think it should be higher... but they're kind of big flaws.

So yeah, stick with NC and good luck... Things do get better, a lot of us will tell you that because we all know!

Sadly, I went through this a few times, back in the day, and it honestly was a trip every time I got dumped, but what made the difference is, knowing what to do about it, and how to move on. Darn it, did I just admit that females rejected me a lot? Thank God, I finally found someone who didn't, and have been taking out the trash on command ever since. The point, knowing how to cope with rejection, and heartbreack, in a positive way.

Keep busy jilted. Keep busy.

Well, as my ex (the one I can't get over at the moment) told me when I broke up with him, "Don't be sad. We gave it our best, didn't we?"

I still have no idea how he keeps such a positive outlook on life. That's probably why he was able to move on while I was left in the dust.

I'm trying. But I STILL can't seem to concentrate on work.

Keep trying.

Work? Yeah... the first 2 weeks of nc... no work for me. Every now and then when I have a bad day, still... no work. What'd I do... oh, I cleaned my room... cleaned my car... met up with a few friends to go out... learned to shoot... found a sign language teacher.

It's not like I haven't done NC before with this ex. The longest I lasted (multiple attempts) mind you was 2 weeks. So I'm guessing the one month should do it?

God it's 8 in the morning and I slept to thoughts of him and woke up to thoughts of him. When will this agony end????

That's the part I hate. I wake up, I think about her, like immediately. It's the first thought I have of the day, and while I'm in the shower for a little bit. But then, as the day gets started, I remind myself that she broke it off with me, and is already with someone else, so why should I be thinking about her? She's not coming back - get out there and find a new girl. Then I'm pretty good for the day. It's only when I'm laying in bed at night, alone that I start thinking about her again. It sux.

I lie in bed and think about him constantly. I wonder if he ever thought of me like I think of him. Then I remember that he stopped doing so a long time ago. That's why I broke up with him. That's why I can't get over him.

I need to move on because he has. There's nothing to hold onto anymore. So I need to stop doing this.

It's all just words, actually doing it is whole 'nother story. Mornings are the worst for me because she's on my mind as soon as I wake up. It's that slap of reality that kicks in when you open you're eyes and you realize "yup, she really is gone and you are all alone".

I'm actually still in bed and it's 12pm... I don't feel like getting up, I mean what's the point really? I guess I'm just having a tough weekend, then again, all weekends have been extra hard for me.

Stay strong, you'll get through it.

Now I feel stupid for deleting him from Facebook. I just gave him the satisfaction of knowing I'm not over him. It seems sort of dramatic even to me now... -_-

Hnestly, we didn't even date for that long so I don't know why I'm hung up on him. Oh well...

It's all just words, actually doing it is whole 'nother story. Mornings are the worst for me because she's on my mind as soon as i wake up. It's that slap of reality that kicks in when you open you're eyes and you realize "yup, she really is gone and you are all alone".

I'm actually still in bed and it's 12pm... I don't feel like getting up, i mean what's the point really? I guess i'm just having a tough weekend, then again, all weekends have been extra hard for me.

Stay strong, you'll get thru it.

Lol... that's my exact thought pattern as well--the "yup [he's] really gone and I'm all alone" although I also have the additional "and there's nothing that I can do change that" part.

Now I feel stupid for deleting him from facebook. I just gave him the satisfaction of knowing I'm not over him. It seems sorta dramatic even to me now... -_-

Hnestly, we didn't even date for that long so I don't know why I'm hung up on him. Oh well...


Actually I don't think that's the message you sent to him at all. In my honest opinion by deleting him from Facebook you just sent the message that your moving on without him and don't want anything to do with him anymore.

Now I feel stupid for deleting him from facebook. I just gave him the satisfaction of knowing I'm not over him. It seems sorta dramatic even to me now... -_-

Hnestly, we didn't even date for that long so I don't know why I'm hung up on him. Oh well...
A side effect from curing the romantic obsession/addiction is 'mind tricks'. Feeling stupid after deleting him from Facebook is just such a mind trick; we live like we have no compass; perhaps that is the value of NC, as we go from one impulse to another, the mind playing its games, it is only with NC that you can get through the maze. jiltedgirl: it was not stupid; it was therapeutic.

A side effect from curing the romantic obsession/addiction is 'mind tricks'. Feeling stupid after deleting him from facebook is just such a mind trick; we live like we have no compass; perhaps that is the value of NC, as we go from one impulse to another, the mind playing its games, it is only with NC that you can get through the maze. jiltedgirl: it was not stupid; it was therapeutic.


I also agree with this because my previous attempts at NC failed when I "thought" I was over him and I started talking to him again. Thus, the goal: 1 month (or however many it takes) of NC!!

And btw- thanks all for stepping in and helping me! I know I'll be over him when I no longer care what he thinks. Then, I can be friends with him (a trend with the exes). (He is a lot of fun).But I won't get ahead of myself for now...

Well, I've done this before. I can do it again!! (I'm glad I'm in a motivational stage right now... )

Lately I've been getting the urge to text her just to see how she's doing... I can't help thinking she wants me to, because we're both stubborn; so I also can't help thinking that she wants to text or call me, but she won't because she'll think I "won". But thinking more about it, if she's that immature... *sigh* this sucks... I can't wait till I have to leave for class...

I would just refer you to my note to jiltedgirl 3 posts back; tricky, impulsive, little mind games.

My ex girlfriend is either the biggest idiot in the world, or the biggest genius in the world, for dumping me. I haven't decided which yet.

Sorry I keep writing here everyday. I need to otherwise I will probably annoy my friends who have heard enough about this topic and I do not want to bother them anymore with my inability to get over a silly boy.

Today is the second day of NC for me, but it feels like it's been a week. I told our mutual friends who go to my college (thank goodness my ex goes to school a few hours away! ) that I Facebook unfriended him.

I'm not sure what hurts more. What they told me or what they didn't. They told me that my actions were a bit extreme, but I should do what I need to do for myself. They also told me that I should friend him back (which I will certainly not do until I complete my set NC goal or maybe I never will. It depends if I'll care enough to do so).

It hurts that my friends said that he probably doesn't care and would laugh about my unfriending him or "He's probably thinking 'whatever'." Did I really mean nothing to him? I know I shouldn't think about it or even wonder because there's no point, but this thought has haunted me since last night when the situation was discussed.

It hurts that he still hasn't even bothered to apologize (not that I expected anything more) or reply to my message. I have deleted him, but no longer have him blocked on AIM. This one method of communication remains open, but he won't ever use it because he doesn't care about me anymore. (I really need to drive this point home... lol)

This morning I was inundated with thoughts of him. I wish he hadn't always visited me at school. Things that I thought long forgotten came up. And there he is. Online. Not caring to see how I'm doing. It hurts to know how easily he moved on or maybe I'm just jealous of how easy-going and carefree he is about everything, including me. He told me he had 9 girlfriends before me. I only had one before him. I guess I was just another one to add to the list. A statistic. Could it be that what I'd thought was his incapability of expressing himself emotionally was actually a reflection of his lack of love for me?

Ouch. At least with NC, I'll stop bothering and saying mean things to him. That's not the person who I want him to remember. Maybe he doesn't want to talk to me ever again. This is as much for him as it is for me. I can't believe I'm looking out for his welfare. He never did that for me. At least not in the way that it matters.

Sorry for the long vent. I need to get this out or I'll be mulling over it all day. Thx.

Jiltedgirl I definitely understand how you feel. It has been about 2 months and 13 days since I started NC. (3 months+13 since we broke up after almos5 yrs) It sucks after a relationship when the other person seems to move on so easily while your stuck miserable or unhappy.

I did more or less some of the same things as you. Myspace/facebook, deleting off buddy list etc. But all the while leaving her some avenue to contact me if she wanted. Keeping that hope that she might do that.

A question I ask myself when I randomly decide to sit and check my email (when I know noooo one emails me) Do I really WANT her to contact me? I love her and always will. I will never forget her and what we had. But, would I really want to be put through that emotional torment of having to hear her apologize after the fact? Or want back in my life?

*sigh* When I find myself getting the urge to check her myspace, or my email or whatever. I usually do my best to divert my attention to something else. Focus on something else.

Going on 4 months without her, and although she may be care free and 'happy' with her new guy. I am fine because I have my goals set and my motivation to see them through.

I am riding the rollercoaster of life weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Jiltedgirl I definatly understand how ya feel. It has been about 2 months and 13 days since I started NC. (3 months+13 since we broke up after almos5 yrs) It sucks after a relationship when the other person seems to move on so easily while your stuck miserable or unhappy.

I did more or less some of the same things as you. Myspace/facebook, deleting off buddy list etc. But all the while leaving her some avenue to contact me if she wanted. Keeping that hope that she might do that.

A question I ask myself when i randomly decide to sit and check my email (when i know noooo one emails me) Do I really WANT her to contact me? I love her and always will. I will never forget her and what we had. But, would I really want to be put through that emotional torment of having to hear her apologize after the fact? Or want back in my life?

*sigh* When I find myself getting the urge to check her myspace, or my email or whatever. I usually do my best to divert my attention to something else. Focus on something else.

Going on 4 months without her, and although she may be care free and 'happy' with her new guy. I am fine because I have my goals set and my motivation to see them through.

I am riding the rollercoaster of life weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Whilst NC is often advocated, and is very effective, every situation is different as to what you would do if the dumper broke NC. Forgive me for being blunt, but you went out with her for 5 years, and she immediately found someone else after you split! Would you ever want her back after that behaviour.

NC is the only thing for you!

Lol you the smart half of me says same thing. She Immediately had someone new and moved in with him etc. But then the not so wise part of me is wishes I could have the person I was with a year ago, and if she was that way again it would be damn hard to say no.

But I'm making sure that I remove temptation so I don't break NC. And so she won't put me in the situation where I would have to choose between the love I have for her, and the hurt she caused me. Tough choice. And better left unmade imo.

Temptation, very very tricky that. Lol I try and remove it when it's not needed.

One thing about NC is that you can't be a beggar and/or puppy and do NC at the same time; they are mutually exclusive.

Lol ya the smart half of me says same thing. She IMMEDIATLY had someone new and moved in with him etc. But then the not so wise part of me is wishes I could have the person I was with a year ago, and if she was that way again it would be damn hard to say no.

But im making sure that I remove temptation so I dont break NC. And so she wont put me in the situation where I would have to choose between the love I have for her, and the hurt she caused me. Tough choice. And better left unmade imo.

Temptation, very very tricky that. lol I try and remove it when it's not needed.

Well, whatever happened it doesn't make her look good. Either she jumped into a rebound relationship before the dust settled with you, very needy, and also totally dimishes what you had with her OR her "immediately" jumping into a relationship was a little more than that, and she had that new thing in mind (or it at even already started) when she ended things with you.

Either way, hardly the sort of person to be waiting around for!

Funny thing is I broke it off with her, but wanted to work on things until I found out about the other guy. And you I agree, it totally diminishes what we had either way. She is an entirely diff person. But trust my I'm done begging her, or waiting for her, I'm done sacrificing my dignity for someone like her.

I miss who she was, and love the person I remember. Other than that... pfffffft.

Funny thing is I broke it off with her, but wanted to work on things until I found out about the other guy. And ya i agree, it totally diminishes what we had either way. She is an entirely diff person. But trust my im done beggin her, or waiting for her, im done sacrificing my dignity for someone like her.

I miss who she was, and love the person I remember. Other than that... pfffffft.

You're right. No more sacrificing your dignity for someone like her.

I actually have this written out so that I look at it everyday: "Save what little pride and dignity you have left. HISS loss."

I just woke up to start studying for my final that is in a few days. (I haven't been able to.) It's a little over 8 a.m. and the only thing that I can think about is him. It seems like I was mistaken. It's actually the 4th day of NC. I wonder why this is so much harder than the other times that I've attempted NC. Maybe because this is so final. Maybe because I realize that I may never be friends with him or anything ever again. I am never going to Facebook friend him. Why? Because by the time I get over him, I just won't care, which is the reason I clung on. I didn't want him out of my life. But I now realize that I only got over my other ex boyfriend when I found someone new. And to be honest, I may be friends with my other ex now, but I wouldn't care if we never met again.

God it's just really hard today. All I want is to be in the arms of my exbf. I wish he would tell me this was all just a horrible dream, that we're still together, that he still wants to be with me.

Only we're not and we never will be.

Today, I can't seem to get the idea out of my head that if I just met up with him one more time in person I would be able to know what he thought or felt about me. I wish I would stop that because it's irrelevant. At the end of the day, he still doesn't want to be anything more than superficial friends.

Other people seem to do the NC thing seamlessly well, or at least on the outside. I wish I was the same.

Jilted I know how you feel... And trust me, there is NO ONE on this website that does NC well. We all hide it inside, some better than others but still struggle with it all the same. We all want to talk to the ex, I have the same dilema about being friends. My ex is talking to some guy that by defination(and not to sound cocky) can't even begin to measure up to me. Let me tell you about this guy...

What he does is tells the girls(happened to my friend and his ex with this guy) what they want to hear about a break up. About how the guy is a jerk, he will do much better and says all the right things, but ends up screwing up. That's what I'm waiting for(no not to have her back) but just to be lied, karma son! How's it feel ha ha...

What finding out did to me, while it did hurt a lot, was make me realize that I can do a lot better. I will probably have a couple trainwreck relationships for awhile but eventually it will get better. I'm going back to strict NC, don't even want to hear her voice this time. She contacted me all the times before so I didn't break NC to start, but now I don't even want to see her or hear her voice

It's bizarre... those who are being contacted by their exes are complaining that they are...

I haven't heard one thing from my ex... and I only WISH she played those games with me. Hmm. As I said before, she lives 4 minutes from me... and I have yet to see her or hear from her. I saw her once at the gym, but she was with "I'm just friends with him but I'm going on a trip with him in April"-guy... and she didn't see me.

NC is not the hard part. The hard part is getting your mind off your ex. But it does get easier... I'm on 6 weeks now. Of course, I still think about her multiple times a day, but it's getting less and less frequent. Down from every 2 minutes to every 10 minutes.

Thanks everyone. Ugh... I'm so tired. I tried going back to sleep, but instead all I did was lie in bed and think about him. How can he not even think about me, even a little? Doesn't he even care to see how I'm doing? Has he found someone new?

I don't understand how a person can go from wanting someone to losing all their feelings for someone so quickly.

I'm really afraid that I'm going to do something impulsive and stupid today. I MUST be strong. I have to stop doing this to myself. In the past, I kept bothering him/contacting him because I wanted to hear something that he would never tell me. SO I NEED TO STOP.

Why doesn't HE have me blocked? Why hasn't he responded to my Facebook message? Is it because he's hurt? Or because he is relieved to have gotten rid of me? Why don't I matter for him to do anything?

Once again, these are questions that I will never have answered and need to stop asking.

I want to friend him on Facebook again, but what will that do other than show him I am not over him and that he is still on my mind?

I want to see him soooo badly.

The pain is truly unbearable today...

No worries George... the party's going to be insane. Diddy has nothing on me.

Jilted, instead of wallowing in bed... I'm sure you have friends you haven't seen in a while. Go grab lunch with them. Go watch a matinée movie. Go out there and DO SOMETHING!

Yeah Jilted... Get out of bed, talk to your friends and tell them that they're going to be seeing A LOT of you for awhile

Honestly, sometimes talking to your ex is not the best thing. I wish she wouldn't have e-mailed me, or talked to to me at work. I tried to play it cool, but once I found out she had feelings for this guy while we dated I politely told her "please don't speak to me again" and now she keeps texting me saying she didn't have feelings for him while we dated... And all I asked her was, who are you trying to convince my dear

I am going to stay away from this board and any thoughts of the exbf starting right now, at least for this week. I will deal with these feelings next week because right now, the most important thing is for me to concentrate on getting my final out of the way. It's sort of unhealthy, but I need to suppress my emotions for now and not let them overwhelm every part of my life. I can't afford for it right now.

... which means next week is going to be an emotional rollercoaster of a b*tch.

Romefalls!! I'm from jersey, too, by the way... And I'm sorry that your exgf won't respect your request to not speak to you. :T Be strong and hang in there because it seems like you're doing great!

Yea I am, and she will get the point eventually because I am leaving the only job I see her at because my career job is getting bigger and won't have time for it. Then I'll just change my number and be all set.

Where abouts in jersey?

Bergen County. You?

So the oddest thing happened to me last night. I talked to two of my friends (one is a mutual friend by the way myself and ex) and I had an epiphany. I was talking to her about the entire breakup and since then, and she told me "Oh yea! I totally forgot. You were the one who broke up with him. Twice...I mean I don't know what to say." And I had to stop myself. I realized that his lack of contact, etc wasn't him rejecting me. It was me who rejected him, whatever my reasons were (my own insecurities--i was scared he wouldn't stay interested), not that they matter much anymore.

I'm not sure why but this helped me get over the ex a lot, in a span of an hour or two, more than NC, months of self-pitying, or anything period.

Even though my feelings of love for him were constant, I reacted in a volatile manner to them. The worst manifestations were when I'd get angry, resentful, suspicious, and demanding. No wonder he called me "crazy" and "indecisive." My own insecurities played mind games on me. I became adamant that we wouldn't last, even though I wanted it to, and that breaking up was the only way that I wouldn't get hurt in the longrun.

In any case, I realize these are the consequences of my actions. (We are over.) I talked to him online today, and I didn't feel angry, resentul, or like my heart was ripping in two. Instead I just felt sad for him and for myself--him, because of his inability to communicate his emotions, and me, because of my inability to lose control for a person completely.

I'm not even sad. I think the breakup portion that hurt me the most was the feeling of rejection. But we both rejected each other because of the type of people we are. I guess we were incompatible in this regard.

Maybe these are "mind games," but this is very different from the other times. Maybe it's acceptance. I'm not sure what.

All I know is that he's moved on and I feel like I've finally started, too.

I live in Burlington Country.. Right outside of Trenton...

Yea, I know what you mean, I have finally realize my ex is moving on, and while I don't want a relationship, I know I need to just find someone to pass the time with. I know that's kind of frowned upon in this forum but still it will take my mind off things... At least for awhile

I know that you guys probably look down on my actions of violating NC. In any case, I felt bad being a total ***** to him so I asked my ex if he'd like to meet up again and that'd I'd buy him ice cream as a gesture of apology. He agreed (he likes sweets like me). Since he always visited me, I agreed to visiting him.

Only I find myself not wanting to make the effort (several hours into cold New England blech) to see him, like I normally would. In other words, I feel like it isn't worth it. I don't want to see him that badly. So I was about to cancel on him by asking him to visit me (he's a bit lazy). In any case, he said that he'd visit me, which is fine, too.

It's so strange. I almost feel guilty that my feelings for him have faded away. It's not that I don't want to see him. I do miss his company. He's a really funny, nice guy. I just don't feel anything for him anymore.

Is this a sign I have gotten over him? Is this normal? Or is a mindgame again?

I mean... I can't believe it!

Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone for listening to me. I wish everyone the best!!

jiltedgirl: I'm a little confused at your situation. You say that you were the one who broke up with him twice, but yet you felt rejected. Unfortunately I don't really understand that.

Aside from that it's hard to say whether you have gotten over him. In reality only you can know that for sure. However, I suggest you give yourself a week and see how you feel then. If you no longer think about him then you have indeed gotten over him.

One last thing, it sounds like the "epiphany" you had has helped you mature. You are starting to see that it was a lot of your insecurities that helped lead to the end of the relationship. By all means it wasn't entirely your fault, but by working on these insecurities this acknowledgment will help you in future relationships.

jiltedgirl: I'm a little confused at your situation. You say that you were the one who broke up with him twice, but yet you felt rejected. Unfortunately I don't really understand that.

I thought he didn't like me enough, which was why I broke up with him. I thought he didn't want the relationship as much as I did. It's only now that I realize I was wrong. Once again, it was my own insecurities playing around with me.

It's OK.. I got a funny little story for everyone, my ex and this guy she works with are starting to talk. Her friend(no longer friends) liked him since early November, so when her friend Sam confronted her about it a huge blow out occurred in which my ex said she liked him before her. Naturally her ex friend felt compelled to tell me(not that I can believe her friend but I didn't care anyways), and after my ex found out her "friend" told me. The past 4 days she has been texting me telling me that's not what she said at all, and she wishes I would believe her for once and that she has never lied to me an blah blah blah. My response was simple and short saying "none of it matters now, we aren't together" and she said "But it's not like I liked him while we dated, he's just been there for me since we broke up" I know this guy is a rebound and it's not going to last, but I still just told her "goodbye" and she still texted me even after we met at work last night to exchange some things I found while cleaning out the basement. Nothing was said while we were exchanging, except hello and small talk... Then I walk back inside work and again a text saying "I wish you would believe me, I only had feelings for you. I just couldn't take the jealousy and controlling anymore" So I said "Since I am trying to change and be more trusting and everything..I will believe you. Thank you for the truth. Goodbye"

Was I wrong for saying that?

Romefalls19 writes: "Then I walk back inside work and again a text saying "I wish you would believe me, I only had feelings for you. I just couldn't take the jealousy and controlling anymore" So I said "Since I am trying to change and be more trusting and everything.. I will believe you. Thank you for the truth. Goodbye"

"Was I wrong for saying that?"
If I could edit out anything, it would be 'will' in 'I will believe you' to 'I believe you'. Perfecto!

Yea, I mean she never lied to me during our relationship, that I know of anyway. So her friend could just be telling that stuff to me because she's angry. So I will just believe what she has told me, and while part of me does want her back, that responsed seemed like the right thing to do.

As much as it seemed like bullhonky, you manned up to it and you played it fine. Right now, you have the upper hand. Feels good, don't it?

Yea it does, because she was so caught off guard by it.. She was expecting an argument or me to flip out on her and I played it completely cool and took the high road. She now doesn't know what to think ha ha.. We will see how everything goes.. I'm going to keep the NC and the barely talking when she texts me, but not be rude either.

jiltedgirl: I want to give you the best advice possible, but before I can I have to ask the following question: Did you at any point try to get back together with him after you dumped him the second time?

Romefalls19: I think you are handling everything very well and you should be proud of yourself. Right now I'm almost positive she is confused at your mature behavior and also feels very bad about the recent events that happened. This doesn't mean she will have a change of heart about having another shot at the relationship, but your actions are saying a lot of good things about your character. Keep it up!

jiltedgirl: I want to give you the best advice possible, but before I can I have to ask the following question: Did you at any point try to get back together with him after you dumped him the second time?

Yes, I did. He asked me if I was positive that I wanted to get back together. I replied honestly, no. I told him to give me a day, except I never gave him an answer because I was unsure. When I had finally decided several weeks later, it was too late.

None of this matters anymore anyway. I am meeting up with him and my friend here to smooth things over between us in an hour or so. I don't harbor anymore feelings (and by that I mean romantic) for him or want to get back together. We're just better off friends.

jiltedgirl: Sounds like you know what your doing. Let us know what happens after the meeting. Good luck and I hope it goes well.

The past few days have actually been pretty good... I don't really think I miss her anymore, rather, who I thought she was. I'm no longer saying to myself "damn, I had a good one" because if she really was a good one she probably would have made more of an effort to commit. Anyway, NC works! And I'm so glad I found this site! I can't even imagine where I would be without it... probably still calling making myself more miserable. Thanks everyone!

It was a little awkward in the beginning, but he was so exhausted when he got here, he took a nap (while I was getting ready for the party). Apparently, I got very drunk and he had to carry me back to my room, so I guess it worked out; he got some sleep while I passed out and began the process of sobering up. I popped the aerobed he was supposed to sleep in by accident with my heel (I am very very clumsy) so when I woke up this morning, he was asleep next to me. We didn't do anything that night, but I thought it was odd that he kept wanting to cuddle and kiss me. He really wanted to hook up. I told him "no" because we are trying to be friends.

However, we hooked up. I felt guilty during and afterwards. I wasn't really into it and I realize it's because I'm not into him anymore. That made me a little sad.

In any case, he just left. I'm not sure what I'm feeling. I didn't think it'd go this way.

Oh well.

jiltedgirl: Well first of all, I've learned that things never go the way we want them to. Trust me, when it comes to relationships I always think of every possible scenario that can happen and to my surprise something I didn't even think of occurs... and it's not always for the better.

I'm sure you have already realized this, but you should not have met under those circumstances. I thought you guys were going to get together over some food, talk things through, and let one another know that there were no hard feelings. Instead you guys bring a party, alcohol, and sex into the mix, which is always bad news.

Personally I think that despite what you say, you BOTH still have feelings for one another. They may not be as strong as before, and ones feelings may be stronger then the other, but the feelings are definitely still there.

If you really aren't into this guy anymore then you need to stay true to your word and not involve yourself romantically with him. If he wants to cuddle, kiss, or have sex then you need to tell him "No" otherwise your sending mixed signals. If you want to be friends then you need to keep it at just that. If you can't then go back to No Contact. Erase him from your life and move on.

Personally I think you two need to sit down (maybe over a cup of coffee) and have a long talk about where you both want this relationship/friendship to go. If you both agree that you would like to stay friends then you should both agree to some boundaries and stick to them. If one or the other feels that a friendship will not work then leave it alone and be happy that you two tried.

I guess what it comes down to is knowing what you want. Whether it's a relationship, friendship, or nothing to do with him. Once you know that, you'll be able to make the right decisions.

Thanks confused25. I definitely agree with everything you just said. It sounds completely reasonable and I wish my [our] actions had been different.

I should have just been resolute and stuck with a resounding "No". I did for a while. I kept resisting, and he continued to ask, "Why not??" I told him "You know why. Because we're trying to be friends. And I don't know about you, but I don't kiss and have sex with m friends."

But I understand that if I want to be friends with him, we have to establish boundaries. This is the last time we will have sex. I am POSITIVE that he doesn't harbor any feelings for me. He probably just wanted some A$$ (excuse my french).

jiltedgirl: From what you're telling us it does sound like all he wanted was sex, which more then likely means he no longer has any romantic feelings.

Aside from that, the most important thing is how you feel about him. If you honestly are over him then I think you can have a friendship with him. However, if you're not then I suggest you give it some more time before you try talking to him.

Good luck and keep us up-to-date!

Yes, I'm positive that all he wanted was sex. I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now. I'll give it time.

Well I just found out why he was so affectionate and wanted to hook up this morning. According to a friend, I apparently made out with him while drunk. I have no recollection of this whatsoever.

Talk about blocking out unwanted memories...