My husband and I have a lot of sex but never make love. My problem is it is boring and predictable. I have tried everything to spice it up. How do I get him to become a better lover? I had a brief affair and the intimacy was THE BEST I have ever experienced. I ended it because I don't want another I want my spouse and I want it to be phenominal at least sometimes. He wonders why I don't want it more often. I have tried to talk to him and I have told him exactly what I want and he continues to do things exactly the same with no effort to change. Please help... any and all advice appreciated.

Honey, I am right there with you!

My husband is a great man and we have a wonderful relationship, but you put us two in a bed... and all fun and excitement is out! Same ole, same ole! His form of foreplay is, "You want to have sex?" I don't know what to do either! I have talked to him, but all that does is hurt his ego. I have tried myself to spice things up, but it goes unnoticed and the favor is not returned!

It sucks!!

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Originally Posted by whiteladybug2002

Honey, I am right there with you!!

My husband is a great man and we have a wonderful relationship, but you put us two in a bed.........and all fun and excitement is out!! Same ole, same ole!! His form of foreplay is, "You want to have sex?" I don't know what to do either! I have talked to him, but all that does is hurt his ego. I have tried myself to spice things up, but it goes unnoticed and the favor is not returned!!

It sucks!!!!!

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What to do? Good to know I am not alone. Sorry your in the same predicament.

Surely someone has some suggestions??

<raises hand>... I have a few.


Consider writing your husband a detailed "story" of a sexy fantasy you have of him or something you want him to do. If you could paint the perfect picture of what describes a hot night in bed, tell this story from the woman's perspective, and spell out what you would like.

Also, start taking little steps to entice yourself to want your husband. For instance, discover what turns you on, and begin implementing this measure before encountering your husband in intimacy.

For example, many couples have predictable sex lives. If this is true for yours, use that information to your advantage. Take a relaxing shower or bath before hand, spend some time alone in your room in the quiet, touching your body softly. Don't be afraid to do some of the work for him... after all, you will hopefully benefit the most from it.


It will take the pressure and your expectation off him, and the sex can be more about the sexual intimacy, which is what many of us ladies are really looking for. ;-)


I know most of us would prefer a man who already knows how the story goes, but unfortunately, life isn't fair, and we must often take matters into our own hands, so to speak.

Thank you Quaint11 I will try this. My toys are no longer satisfying:(

How about... letting him know you're simply NOT satisfying you. Instead of complaining about him, talk to him and let him know what you want. Relationships are about communication!

Here is a site worth checking out. :-)

Enjoy Great Sex -- ThirdAge

I am not sure how long you have been married but if it has not been long maybe your husband is just dumb about sex and the female body. All a lots of guys know is what they learned in the back seat of a car during a two minute poke. I have to tell you that there are also some girls that have no idea of just how a penis works but that does not matter that much because the guys desire is to have a orgasm and usually does in any case.

So I suggest to you to teach your hubby what your parts are and what they do to you. Tell his what you clitoris is and how to manipulate it to bring you to the heights you desire. Teach him that time is a good thing, and that maybe you could schedule your sex when there is not a ballgame on or a car race, giving you an hour or so of his undivided attention. Don't be afraid to talk to him, telling hem how each thing he does feels. Sex is in the mind also so go into his mind.

Wear a costume to bed, get some body paints, and let him know, guide his hands as to what you want.

Get some marriage counseling, everyone needs it some, it sounds like you need it more than ever

Well, hard as it is to admit Sweetmelissa & whiteladybug, I'm the male version of you two. And it's been this way for 25 years. Yes we have communication and so on... it's just how things are. I'll leave it at that.
I'm so very sorry for your situation and believe me, it's not easy to deal with!

I would try to spice things up before you two part. Give him a knock your socks off kiss, or whisper something dirty into his ear that you want to do to him before you walk out the door. Another thing to try is write him a naughty email or text message telling him how bad you want him and what you are going to do to him.

Intimacy doesn't have to started in bed... and it sounds like there is an expectation that it will be bad, no matter what... it is a given... and sometimes it is doomed before you are even doing anything, just by your attitude, knowing it is not good enough...

So I would suggest a sex therapist... they will help you start over... relearn each other, yourself, and it can be fun things the therapist suggests. You will also learn to communicate, which brings the intimacy, even non verbal!

If you don't go to counseling, I suggest taking the pressure off sex, and just build intimacy. Think about what makes you feel close to someone... etc... cause if you keep your same doomed mindset, it will never be the way you want.

Has anyone actally been to a sex therapist? I have the same problem, but I'm not even married yet! I'm just not sure this will work because I can barely get him to talk to me never mind a stranger but I have tried EVERYTHING!!

Ouch.

Why are so many men bad in bed?
The same reason so many men are bad at communicating with their S/O:
They put emotional connection secondary - unless it's of the son/mother kind:
see also Sigmund Freud.

Yikes. So, What can you do?

Take control. Do not expect a ham-fisted, wham-bam-thank-you-maam guy to suddenly become mr. velvet in the satin sheets...

BUT next time he is "in the mood" or you are - do it by YOUR rules... don't be afraid to act out what turns you on. And pleasure yourself however you wish. Say whatever you want. Do not hold back... and yes, make sure he gets to the finish line too... he'll wonder: "What the hell was that?!" maybe you will give him more. Maybe you won't... if he learns what you like - he may get more

More on this later.

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Originally Posted by sweetmelissa

My husband and I have alot of sex but never make love. My problem is it is boring and predictable. I have tried everything to spice it up. How do I get him to become a better lover? I had a brief affair and the intimacy was THE BEST I have ever experienced. I ended it because I don't want another I want my spouse and I want it to be phenominal at least sometimes. He wonders why I don't want it more often. I have tried to talk to him and I have told him exactly what I want and he continues to do things exactly the same with no effort to change. Please help....any and all advice appreciated.

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Rent a porn flick

Porn is not always the best choice- people become addicted to it.

I am in the same boat. My husband is the only man I have ever had sex with but I know what I want and after 17 years together he still does not know how to please me. He is a very selfish lover and talking does not help. GOOD LUCK.

Frankly, some men really don't like hearing they're not doing it right. I can only hope that the advice of some of these fine people works for you. Just remember to remain honest about the sex problems with your husband. But don't pressure him too much, because that can cause problems of their own--so long as he's making an effort, coax him along gently.

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Originally Posted by sweetmelissa

My husband and I have alot of sex but never make love. My problem is it is boring and predictable. I have tried everything to spice it up. How do I get him to become a better lover? I had a brief affair and the intimacy was THE BEST I have ever experienced. I ended it because I don't want another I want my spouse and I want it to be phenominal at least sometimes. He wonders why I don't want it more often. I have tried to talk to him and I have told him exactly what I want and he continues to do things exactly the same with no effort to change. Please help....any and all advice appreciated.

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To many men do not understand how the female body works. It is not that they are not good lovers they just do not know what to do.

Men don't understand that a good night of sex may begin with him caring out the trash earlier that morning, maybe followed up buy a phone call durning the day telling her how much he loves her, and it would not hurt a thing to take her out to dinner that night. But that is not what a lot of men think, he thinks get in bed naked, that tells her what he wants, roll over on her and tries to slip it in, it won't go so he spits on his hand to lubricate things, then he slips in and after a few pumps he is through. Then he might ask "Was it good for you:?

Well you really have to get him to want it as well, like the song says. "It takes two babe..."

Luckily I learned this when I was 18 with a girlfriend... and her girlfriend. Was a real shock at the time but I got an education of a lifetime that's served me well.

I haven't seen either of them since 1981 but will never forget them.

Luckily my wife is also interested in keeping things spiced up as well so I can honestly say I am likely way above average in satisfaction there even with 16 years in the marriage.

We both entertain each others ideas and give them a try. Like the saying goes, we'll try anything once, twice if we like it.


Find out what catches his interest... pick one thing.. then another, one step at a time. Hopefully he will take the que.

Letmetellyou that was one of the bluntest answers I have read on here but sadly it was spot on. I have been trying to deal with this exact problem with my partner for months now and it has come to the point where I told him I would leave if nothing changed. Nothing changed so I have left him even though this was the man I wanted to marry. I thought the shock would change him but if anything it just caused arguments we never would have had and I had to leave. I'm really trying to tell myself that I have done the right thing. I just couldn't go on the way things were. I was having to think about other things and other people to get myself off and I grew tired of getting no sexual attention. I started to lose my confidence which affected every aspect of my life.

Thinking you can change people is the biggest mistake one can make when going into a relationship.

Tease him! Don't just give it up to him. Make him work for it. He might find this exciting and can lead into some fun games you can play together. Most men are lazy when it comes to sex. They just want to get their rocks off and that's it. But if you play hard to get then it will force him to stop being lazy and help add some excitement for both of you. They may not like it at first, but don't give in. Make him give in to your needs. If he won't make that extra effort to please you then why should you do the same for him. Marriage is 50 50 and not 90 10.

I have read research that state that over fifty percent of all aspects of love making is ninety percent mental. To say this simply over half of all aspects of sex is majority mental. The short affair probobably seemed so hott because it was frobidden fruit. Give your husband a chance. If you think that he sucks he will suck. Try sexual counseling, as long as the physical aspects are there it can work.

I have noticed a lot of these threads with near enough the same title.. my mans is a rubbish lover,my hubby is rubbish in bed, I have still to notice one that says "our" sexlife is dull.it takes two to tango,why is he the bad lover and not both of you? He may be thinking the same of you.
Communicate,tell him how important it is and he will get the message, guide him and tell him what you want and how you want it, men are not mind readers and I believe they shouldn't take all the blame for a dull sex life which you are BOTH involved in.

Right on the money

TOUCH HIM and GUIDE HIM.
When you are cooking and he comes home, ask him to get close. Grab his hand and put it on your breast.
Get him from behind and grab his package.
Softly run your finger one the inside of his hand.
Just try different things through out the day to make him want some. And then at night tease him. Give him oral, if he says he doesn't want to give you any, when you are giving him, turn around and do 69.
You can send him a nasty text message or just say. You Me Tonight... Can't Wait.
Little things like that. Guys don't understand that we just don't get statified with simple sex.
Good Luck :)

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Originally Posted by sweetmelissa

My husband and I have alot of sex but never make love. My problem is it is boring and predictable. I have tried everything to spice it up. How do I get him to become a better lover? I had a brief affair and the intimacy was THE BEST I have ever experienced. I ended it because I don't want another I want my spouse and I want it to be phenominal at least sometimes. He wonders why I don't want it more often. I have tried to talk to him and I have told him exactly what I want and he continues to do things exactly the same with no effort to change. Please help....any and all advice appreciated.

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Try playing sex games play act out pretend you're a whore he has to pay for, or blindfold him,and tease him to a point where he can't hold out, vise versa. See I was the same way after 20 years of doing different things to my husband and him doing to me I went for a24 year old after 20 years of marriage the sex was boring so now I'm 40 starting al over again 4 kids with my husband and now 9 month old baby with my boyfriend see that's what happens after nothing else works so if you don't want a new man and a new family try new acts

Did you husband find out about the affair?

I would say communincate and tell him that what you don't like abou his bedskills,

Think about telling him about the affair too.

How does he feel about your sex life?

My husband is the same way and it happens after a while, it was a little better in the beginning! Anyway you should really make him understand because he may not take it seriously, guys don't!! You need to make him understand, give him the silent treatment and when he asks what's wrong let him know. I know of some people that hold off on sex to get there way, now I don't neccessarilly agree with this but it WORKS!! I have been too afraid to do it because I think that my husband will run to another if I hold off on sex but it is up to you.


Also make a romantic getaway for the day and surprise your husband, go to a motel and do something different. This is the only thing that works for me is if I really make him to understand that I need the romance and a lot of times he suggests that we get a way and go to a motel, etc. The only other time my husband want to do different things more romantically is when we watch x rated films and he will be ready to try anything after watching dirty movies.

You and your husband needs serious counselling.You both should identify what's best for you.Sex is a mutual affair,not one-sided.One question"do you know what turns on your husband most?if yes,repeat it quite often.he will surely give back a return offer.

Ok, my advice as a guy, without hurting a mans ego is to make him want it. When he tries to start the regular boring intercourse with you just be like, "nah, not in the mood tonight". Honestly, that would piss me off, and hurt, but right after that, you have to be like, "well, only if we can try _ this time".. you know whatever you're into. Eventually, if he wants it, he'll try it. Just don't fall into the same position or situation your regular sex becomes. Make the regular stuff seem so boring to you that he gets the freaking hint. He's your partner, so make him understand this is who you are, and repetition to sex is not the key

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Originally Posted by letmetellu

To many men do not understand how the female body works. It is not that they are not good lovers they just do not know what to do.

Men don't understand that a good night of sex may begin with him caring out the trash earlier that morning, maybe followed up buy a phone call durning the day telling her how much he loves her, and it would not hurt a thing to take her out to dinner that night. But that is not what a lot of men think, he thinks get in bed naked, that tells her what he wants, roll over on her and tries to slip it in, it won't go so he spits on his hand to lubricate things, then he slips in and after a few pumps he is through. Then he might ask "Was it good for you:?

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I agree. Most women appreciate the little things. When a woman feels like she is appreciated and special it is amazing how moved she can become. Try to look at the positive things in your husband. Instread of focusing on the sex, tell him what you do like about him. Maybe he is feeling insecure in your relationship and this is carrying over into your intimate life. Good Luck!

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Originally Posted by Matt3046

How does he feel about your sex life?

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AAAHHHH, BORAK!! 111

My situation is exactly the same as yours... except I am the one who is boring.

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Originally Posted by sweetmelissa

My husband and I have alot of sex but never make love. My problem is it is boring and predictable. I have tried everything to spice it up. How do I get him to become a better lover? I had a brief affair and the intimacy was THE BEST I have ever experienced. I ended it because I don't want another I want my spouse and I want it to be phenominal at least sometimes. He wonders why I don't want it more often. I have tried to talk to him and I have told him exactly what I want and he continues to do things exactly the same with no effort to change. Please help....any and all advice appreciated.

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I have the same problem. My husband is boringly predictable about other things in life, too like food, clothing, vacations, television and other entertainment. He flatly refuses to give oral sex but prefers that I do it for him over genital sex, he acts like he's doing me a favor when he "has to" do the missionary position. Lately, the only way I get sex is if I say something snarky - THEN he responds. It's almost never his idea, I have to 'remind' him. He simply ignores my requests for changes or oral sex, doesn't say no, just ignores me. He behaves as if he loves me in other ways - touches me and kisses me often. But sex seems like an issue for him. In my estimation, he's selfish, because he can't get over himself to even try what I'd like. He prefers rear entry vaginal sex, which to me is rather impersonal, and doesn't provide the stimulation I need. I'm quite tempted to call an old boyfriend and get jiggy with him. It's very sad that someone I love, and who apparently loves me, is such a big zero in the bedroom, and stubborn about it to boot.

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

wear a costume to bed, get some body paints, and let him know, guide his hands as to what you want.

get some marriage couseling, everyone needs it some, it sounds like you need it more than ever

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Wear a costume to marriage counseling and let the therapist apply the body paint. Marriage counseling is only for the select few who still might have a future together. It is basically just a safe atmosphere for someone to play more mind games and use it againgst you later. On second thought, stick with the costume!

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Originally Posted by letmetellu

Men don't understand that a good night of sex may begin with him caring out the trash earlier that morning, maybe followed up buy a phone call durning the day telling her how much he loves her, and it would not hurt a thing to take her out to dinner that night. But that is not what a lot of men think, he thinks get in bed naked, that tells her what he wants, roll over on her and tries to slip it in, it won't go so he spits on his hand to lubricate things, then he slips in and after a few pumps he is through. Then he might ask "Was it good for you:?

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I read this and almost started crying! This is my life, pretty much every time and my husband yells screams, and even punches things because he feels that he is not getting sex enough. I have tried to drill it in to him what I need, but it still stays the same. I feel like I am going crazy. When I try to explain to him in detail, he gets his feelings hurt and ends up PO'd at me. I don't know what to do. The sex is so bad sometimes that I go into the bathroom and cry silently. Sad. Tonight when he asked, "Did that feel good?" I said, "No, it didn't." Then tried again to explain with the same results, him mad and me not sleeping in the room. I don't know what to do. I appreicate all the advice posted here, but it seems like I am going to have a BAD sex life forever at this point. Anyone ever come out of this situation?