Hey gang-
Not sure if I am posting in the correct topic.
My boyfriend secretly watches porn when he thinks I am asleep by sneaking his laptop into the bathroom and locking the door.
This may be natural... but it is very aggrevating and hurtful.
Two cents on a couple questions are welcomed:
Is this helpful for our sexual relationship? In that if I give off the vibe that I don't want sex, and he does, is it okay for him to conduct himself like this?
Naively, this is my first relationship... so I wonder if it bothers me to the point of stripping my sleep, is it worth a battle fighting? Should I be worried?

Thanks much!

It's very normal for you to feel this way... been there, and felt that way too, but you have to understand that his behavior has NOTHING to do with you. I used to feel rejected until I talked to my guy friends and they told me that this is totally normal. You should be upset if he was having "adult conversation" with someone else on the internet, but watching pornos is not taking anything from you and its obvious that he is embarrassed if he is hidding from you. "don't ask don't tell"

Hi Aries,
lol... forgive me, I don't mean to laugh, and it isn't you who makes me chuckle, it's your worse half. We men ('some' of us) can be so stupid. He thinks he's being so 'covert', so clever, yet u know all about it. Why does he bother to hide it?
anyway, back to the point, and your Q.
pornography helps ZERO! It has no 'useful' reason for existence other than to make huge sums of money to those involved in its production. May I ask what faith u are?
if you're a catholic, like myself, than you should know that pornography is a mortal sin and as such it is obviously of no help at all. However, you might well be not interested to hear the religious and moral aspect of porn and sexual relations before marriage, so I won't bore u with that, hence the answer to your Q is NO it does not help. On the contrary, it might actually make things a lot worse. He sounds very immature to me and u may just find yourself being asked to perform things you'd rather not. If he gets hooked on porn, he may well seek to 'experiment' elsewhere, while still essentially sleeping in YOUR bed. That will lead him into promiscuity and will put u at risk of getting VD. VD's can easily lead to sterility in both your cases. You never actually get cured, just treated.
you say u are losing sleep... and ask is it worth a fight. Of course! You cannot continue without sleep. However, it also seems to me that your boyfriend is not about to stop, so, unless u are prepared to tolerate him watching porn, obviously somewhere else where your sleep is uninterrupted, you 2 in my opinion should split up.

I think this is a very common problem with relationships. First off, just because a guy watches porn, does not mean that he thinks any less of you, or that he don't want to be with you. When my girlfriend and I first started dating, we used to watch it together. Now she feels the same way you do, she gets mad, and says it makes her feel like her body is not good enough. Honestly, I think this is the best way, though... expecially if your looking for something new to try in the bedroom. Just turn something on that looks fun, and it sort of brings it up without you just saying "I wanna do this"... I think you'll find the type that he watches, is something he wants to try.

Most women (as far as I know) do not have as much as a sex drive as guys, so if the girl don't want it, the guy is going to "relieve" himself. There are also times where, the guy just wants to "go". When a guy is having sex (at least me) I feel obligated to make sure my girl is satisfied before I go. Some days this can take longer than others. If a guy masturbates, he can pretty much make it last as long, or short as he wants.

I forgat to mention that in my opinion watching pornos does not help the relationship. If your BF is mature enough he'll understand your point of view if you tell him that it bothers you and if its not an addiction you may ask him to stop and he should. I just don't feel that you should make the mistake of looking inside your relationship to find answers cause his behavior has nothing to do with you. That is probably the way he was satisfying his sexual appetite prior to being in a relationship with you... but now its time to quit.

It is very sad that people feel the need to turn to porn for ideas on what to do in bed. I find this quite pathetic. Making love to a woman is not about how many different positions you can twist her body into, it's about loving her, and showing her that. Unfortunately all most men are interested in is getting off, so no wonder there are so many 3 minute jokes about us, or even less. A kiss is the most intimate thing two people can do, if they know how to do it. And patience is also necessary. A woman will always be left frustrated because she almost always wants to go slow, and we men (and there are exceptions) are like a bull in a china shop, and porn is all about self gratification, with no regard for your partner. Q for everyone... how often can you watch the same film over and over again??
Even if it is a good film!! Well that's exactly what porn is... once you've seen it a few times, it becomes boring as hell, whereas with a little imagination, from both sides, making love should never become a routine and boring.. assuming of course that you are with the right person.

Hi People-
First thanks for the honesty...
I suspect he is looking at porn at the least. At the worst, he is having those adult conversations on someone else on the internet.
I thought about returning the favor, but somehow I can't go through "all the way".

So as follow-up, if I don't have proof (and I admit, I don't-all this is suspect based on the time of the night-up until 2am, what I find the next morning-seminal excretions) what would I say?
I've tried the "what time did you go to sleep last night" (recieving reply of I don't know) and "what were you doing up so late" (recieving reply of watching videos/news).

Could there be deeper issues (ie satisfaction?)?

And to address the adopting porn behavior, either I'm noticing it more or it's really there, but lately some exlamations/questions have been asked that leave me more to suspect.

Check the history and u'll know what site's he's been on.

Communication is a must and instead of playing detective you may want to comfront him directly once you are certain that he is up to no good.

Yes, but you see-he locks the door. I tried the "I need to use the restroom" tactic. All he has to do is close the browser. What would you suggest I do then? Grab his laptop and screen his history--oh and the history part, his mozilla has the feature to delete all history/temp int files/cookies upon closing.

Ugh :( seems like a no win situation.
Sorry for my discouraged attitude... thanks for your advice, though. I'd like more if you come up with anything else.

Ok, granted this is a complicated topic, but I thought I'd add a couple of quick points here.

Next time he sneaks off, simply follow him and ask what he's doing. You really need to find out exactly what he is up to before you continue!

Firstly, if he is watching porn, you need to find out why he feels the need to hide the fact he's doing so. Don't out-and-out confront him about it ("Have you been watching porn") because his knee-jerk male reaction will be to deny it regardless! The last thing that he needs to hear is what he's doing is wrong, because then he'll just look for other ways of hiding it from you!

If he IS watching porn, it's very unlikely it's due to not being satisfied, he may just like watching porn! I watch it, I have a girlfriend who I have sex with and both experiences are very different!

Also, don't go through his laptop looking for 'evidence', if he catches you doing so or even if you do find anything, it will be absolutely no use to you other than to confront him as above.

I hope this helps a little!

I think it's all been said :) you have to decide now whether u wish to associate with a person like that. There should be no secrets in a good solid loving relationship. You are a person who does not like porn so u should look for a guy who is interested in you, developing a loving relationship with YOU, and not some virtual bimbo. If there is no respect in a relationship, there can be no real lasting love, only pain and misery and disappointment. What u must have, and never lose, is your self-respect and your moral standards. U must never compromise on these 2 things. If you do not respect yourSELF, u cannot expect another to do it. If u lose it on the account of another, he will NEVER help u regain it, but only ever use u, for if u can compromise on that, he'll count on u compromising on all else. And if u compromise on MORALS... well... I can't think of anything worse. Be selfish in this case, and think only of what u want. After all, all he wants is for u to shut up, stop nagging him, and give in to his desires, whatever they are and whatever they may become.

Don't know how you feel about porn, but perhaps if you watched a video together it might spice things up for you both. If not for you, I wouldn't worry about it. It's more important that he's not communicating with someone online.

I wouldn't bet a rupee that he won't, sooner or later.
As for your suggestion of 'spicing things up'... that's a nonsense.
All it can do is make more problems for them both if they try to do what they see in such trash. There isn't one thing that porn is good for. The world as it is is so full of immorality that there's no cure for it. If we analyse just the last 20 years, and consider the speed of 'progress' (what a joke) than in the next 20 years it is reasonable to assume that things will get worse at an even faster rate.

I watch porn with my girlfriend on a regular basis, and we both watch porn alone, I see absolutely no problem with that, we're both adults, there's no morality issue there!

I place a good 50 / 50 split on my sexual technique and experience on past relationships and porn. I think I'm a great lover, both my girlfriend and I are very happy in all aspects of our relationship and we really love each other!

I think the main problem in this question is that the boyfriend is hiding his activities!

I have to say I have absolutely no problem with men looking at porn. All guys will look at porn at some point. Any woman who tells herself other wise is kidding themselves. (Unless obviously they are against it for religious reasons, then in that case I would not like to comment). It is a one way thing and helps guys feel more confident in bed. They see a guy doing something and they think 'she's going to love it when I do that'. However, conversations on the internet are really dodgy. Where does it stop and when does it become infidelity? His opinion on that may not be the same as yours. The fact he is hiding from you isn't good but then he may think you will over react. I suggest that you listen at the door. A bit naughty I know, but you will be able to hear if it is one click every so often (Blatantly porn!) or a lot of typing which would suggest otherwise! There are ways to check the history on all comps but to be honest I wouldn't know how or suggest you try to find out because you might mess something up.
If its porn, try watching it with him and tell him to come out of the bathroom. If not, then at least you know and you can decide how bad it is.

Unless obviously they are against it for religious reasons, then in that case I would not like to comment
<> well I would! Objecting to porn and not indulging in porn for religious reasons is the best reason there is. Not believing in God does not make Him disappear. Not believing in Him is more of an excuse to allow ones self to do what one knows he/she should not.
man lives for 70 odd years, and God wants him in heaven. Sin and an eternity of hell is what awaits. Don't misunderstand, we ALL sin, but a lack of regret and a fervent wish and attempt NOT to sin will ensure a one way ticket into the basement.
what I just said may generate strong comments, but they will not reverse or erase the truth.

It is a one way thing and helps guys feel more confident in bed.
<> how pray tell does a guy feel more confident??
what he will see is a guy who can go on for hours. Will his ability to go for a matter of minutes 'only' make him feel confident about his ability??
he'll see women do things his lady will never do, will that encourage him to find a 'lady' who'll endulge him?? Yes, it very well might.
morality is the one standard in the world that, like 2+2=4, should never change with the passing of time. It is not a fashion thing. The fact that 9 people out of 10 today do something that that 1 person refuses to, does not make them RIGHT and him WRONG.
Slavery was a 'normal' thing in the south in US history, and not just US history. Was it RIGHT??

They see a guy doing something and they think 'she's going to love it when I do that'.
<> and when he does it, and she hates it, and he hurts her physically and emotionally, what then?? Will THAT help his confidence? Will it IMPROVE their relationship??

However, conversations on the internet are really dodgy.
<> why?

Where does it stop and when does it become infidelity?
<> infidelity occurs even when you fanticise about sexual intimacy with a person other than your partner, and if your partner is not a spouse, than your intimacy with him is a sin. I know I'm not making myself popular here, but I don't care, the truth cannot be altered by the differing opinion of the masses, and truth is often unpopular, we ALL know that.

Ok, if you want to think of this in the BEST possible way, here's an idea. Right now, he thinks he is not good enough for you. He thinks that he does not pleasure you enough, and would like to learn something new to change this. When trying to think of how he can learn, he figures he has two options. One, find another woman, maybe that's a little more experienced that will help him out. He obviously loves you too much to do this, so he moves on to option two. Watch a little porn, learn a couple things, and have some fun with himself in the process. When he decides he feels comftable enough to try something, hopefully he don't just dive in, an he'll ask "hey, do you wanna try something a little different".

Now with these two senerios, which do you think you'd spend an eternity in hell for? :)

EnglishRose disagrees: I think you are taking this too far hun. Maybe you need to release some frustration of your own lol
<> Hey.. I knew there's be comments about my view, and that's OK, you're entitled to your opinion, I welcome it, but your point of 'taking it too far' is a matter of religious belief, and it has light years less to do with my (non)existence of frustration, lol:-)

iAMfromHuntersBar disagrees: Telling someone their boyfriend will go to hell for watching porn is a tad harsh fella! This isn't a witchhunt!
<> harsh? I expected this too. 'Harsh' is also a matter of religious belief. You don't believe in God (I assume, and I think it's a reasonable assumption) in which case you see (logically) nothing wrong with porn, and whatever else I might object to. That's OK, you have your own free will and you can exercise it as you see fit, but as I said earlier, one can say, and believe whatever one wants, yet none of that will change the truth, and that is that there is a God, and that porn is offensive to Him. But you rediculously condemn me as a witchhunter. Catholics have been condemned as such through history. Yes it is a fact that a great deal of injustice has been done IN THE NAME OF RELIGION, however, just because someone does something very wrong and does it in the name of suomething or someone, it does not mean that that someone, in this case God does NOT exist, and it is no reason to turn ones back on ones previous beliefs JUST BECAUSE OF ONE BAD EGG (or many!! ) If your friend has a very bad experience with one particular make of car, is that really a reason for you to never buy a car from that manufacturere?? Of course not.
p.s. forgive me if I appear to be a 'windbag' and talk too much for your liking.

<> suddenimpact... HOW can you know WHAT he thinks!!
And quite frankly, looking for an experience woman to practice with so that he can better please his girl would be beyond twisted.
I shall happily risk being a boring preaching windbag (by all means read no further) and continue.
The problem with people today is that they want everything in a hurry, gratification too. They have no patience. Becoming a good lover is NOT something that happens to man or woman by watching porn. Porn by definition has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with love or making love. All it is is SEX SEX SEX. Communication between partners is imperative. Both parties need to speak openly and frankly about sex. That is another problem, people don't talk about what they like or dislike enough, so you end up with the situation of one side not knowing what the other likes, and so frustration builds up. When people talk openly and honestly (about everything) than there is never confusion. Through communication and practice people become better at sex/making love and also grow closer together. Learning together is much more fun than going to some whore to learn on so that you can be the best you can be over night. It's fur more fun and romantic learning together. Also, there are numerous books on technique... since when is porn considered the only place one can learn anything??
p.s. if you're reading this, congratulations!! :O) I hope it was worth the pain to you.

I can tell by reading your posts that in your case watching porn is not helpful to your sexual relation ship, or you would not be asking the kind of questions that you are. First off you are not sure what he is doing and it is already effecting your relationship. What are you going to do if you find out for sure that he is looking at porn. Or maybe a worse case, what if he is carrying on a sexual conversation with another girl on the Internet.

I think if you attitude was different and you got turned on by the fact that your partner is a sexual person then it might not bother you if he is watching porn.
I myself do not look at porn, other than the shots like the one of Brittany Spears getting out of her car with her beaver showing, but that is not for sexual stimulation, only to see what the nuts of the hollywood crowd are doing.

We all do that. The no knicker girls are annoying, yet you can't look away!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by letmetellu

I can tell by reading your posts that in your case watching porn is not helpful to your sexual relation ship, or you would not be asking the kind of questions that you are. First off you are not sure what he is doing and it is already effecting your relationship. What are you going to do if you find out for sure that he is looking at porn. Or maybe a worse case, what if he is carrying on a sexual conversation with another girl on the Internet.

I think if you attitude was different and you got turned on by the fact that your partner is a sexual person then it might not bother you if he is watching porn.
I myself do not look at porn, other than the shots like the one of Brittany Spears getting out of her car with her beaver showing, but that is not for sexual stimulation, only to see what the nuts of the hollywood crowd are doing.

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If I find out that he is carrying on a sexual conversations, I think I'd have to pause our relationship and define to myself, the meaning of infidelity.

Him watching porn while I am asleep and not being able to communicat it is definitely an issue in this relationship. I am trying to understand though, is it because I'm asleep that he can't wake me up and tell me that he's feeling sexual, or is it because I'm asleep that he feels like he can be more sexual?
You are right, the uncertainty may be what is inflicting the first pain.
I am not sure though, that I would get turned on by the fact that my b/f runs with his laptop to the bathroom in his most clandestine way.
I know my partner is very passionate, but I guess I'd like his passion to be directed towards me.
And thinking about it a little more, I don't think my attitude would remain positive about porn, if I began suspecting his stimulation, while with me, was entirely and solely based on his pornographic memory. In fact, I think I'd feel used.

And since we are only able to guess the reason for his extreme secrecy, he may even be talking to... guys!! Stranger things have happened, no!!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by crocop

<> suddenimpact...HOW can u know WHAT he thinks!?!?

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I didn't say that I knew what he thought... I said it was the best POSSIBLE way to look at it.

This is not about pornography folks, but the inability of one spouse not talking to the other. Not only is communication needed, but how to communicate. All the assumptions and confused feelings can be cleared up by just asking him what he is doing, and why, in an honest non threatening manner. You'd be surprised to know what people really think and why they do what they do so TALK AND LISTEN and don't get caught in every ones speculations. No matter what the issue is from porn to snoring working together through communicating is the way couples solve their problems to the benefit of them both.

Guys like seeing naked women... its how we are wired. However as long as he does not deprive you of what you need in the way of intimacy and contact you have been accustomed to get then its not an issue. Now if he is because all he can do is stay online then it starts to rise to the level of an addiction.

I do this (watch porn) but don't hide if from my wife who is there when I am online.


Now if you are talking chat rooms... thats a whole different thing.

Guys like seeing naked women... its how we are wired.
<> this is true, but 'how we are wired' is NOT always how we should behave. We are also 'wired' to feel emotions such as hate, desire for revenge, violence, but it does not mean that we should give in to them. What is wrong is wrong... majority of opinion can/will never alter that fact. We are human, we have 'free will', we are not animals,we do not act/react according to 'instinct'. It is this fact more than any other, apart from our conscience, that separates us for the lower species. It is exactly because our sense of right and wrong has been diluted over the years, that man often behaves worse than an animal. Man chooses... animals do not!

However as long as he does not deprive you of what you need in the way of intimacy and contact you have been accustomed to get then its not an issue.
<> the fact that the young lady is uncomfortable (very) with his behaviour proves that she IS being deprived. She does not agree with it, yet he insists on doing it, and so does it in the middle of the night, which now deprives her of her sleep.

Now if he is because all he can do is stay online then it starts to rise to the level of an addiction.
<>!! The man is sitting on the loo in the middle of the night, behind a locked door!!
If that is not an addiction... I haven't seen one...

I do this (watch porn) but don't hide if from my wife who is there when I am online.
<> if she was asked: "madam, would you rather that your husband did not watch porn at all, ever...what would she say??"

Now if you are talking chat rooms... thats a whole different thing.
<> chatrooms are only worse, not different in a good way.

Well, she is demanding he not watch porn even when she is not there. Would she have the same objection when she is not there if he is off work that day? I'll be she does, Does he object when she chats away with her lady friends or spends the weekend shopping with them? Does he agree with this? Odds are this is possible.

I sense a bit of controlling behavior here. She is trying to dictate every little thing he does, his entire day. I don't hear, I have a problem with my husband because he spends 6+ hours a day watching porn, I hear she has a problem he is watching porn AT ALL. There is a HUGE difference there.

You know marriage is a two way street. Henpeck a man about something and it only reinforces that behavior. I'm sure she might do something he highly disagrees with. Its not a he MUST do as I say while I do as I wish. That's exactly the sort of behavior that drives many men to have affairs or even end up resenting their wives not to mention divorce, Many (but not all I will admit) of those women are also the most boorish people in bed as well.

Porn for men is no different than your average daytime soap operas are for women. It becomes a problem if it becomes hours on end. Would she rather he watch porn at times or start watching other women? And I am not saying the latter is acceptable.

Now chatrooms I totally agree because there is human interaction and is a whole different thing. Particularly if he is talking with women (or even men) online. Looking at photos is a whole different thing than talking with people. I NEVER do chatrooms, period.


Now you may or may not agree with this (and you are entitled to either way) but this is my opinion on the topic.

There is a way to go about things, and communicating to solve this problem to the benefit of both is the way to go. If nobody is willing to give, then we have a stalemate, and no growth or progress can be made, and yes I agree she sound controlling and unbend able. More of a mother than a mate.

Hi Everyone-

Thanks for sharing all that:o .
I guess I need a more direct way of talking with him about what he is doing. I honestly don't know... he could be chatting at the worse case or watching porn at the best. There aren't that many other things one can do that can take the place of sleep at 2am...
I've tried asking in a non-chalant, non-threatening way (what were you doing up so late). I've tried a more clever, interrupting way (I need to use the restroom).
I was wondering if you all thought it would be worth the hassle to say I suspect he watches porn/chats online only to get a very rehearsed response of "no, baby I wasn't in the bathroom that long...blah blah...I dont watch porn....blah blah I love you...blah blah...i don't want to disturb you when you are asleep...blah blah reading the news...".
I suppose this is becoming an issue of trust, then? If I know that something is going on, without any proof where do I go? I hope I'm not making this more complicated...

So do I have a problem with porn? Instinctly, emotionally, I'd answer yes. But that has a lot do with my own background/experience. On a more practical level, I'd answer no. I mentioned I understood the indoctrinated/natural factor for men. It's part of their growth, I guess.

In terms of controlling behavior... I'd disagree. Perhaps expectations is a clearer description. I don't expect to feel used. I don't expect to be degraded. I expect to be treated and loved just as I treat and love. So, if I were to run on a shopping spree at 2am when he was asleep, I suppose it wouldn't bother me as much if he were to intoxicate himself hours on end online. I'm not married, so I don't know a thing about marriage or divorce. Hey, this is my first "real" relationship... I do know that I need to pick my battles. Another reason why I am here asking you...

SMOOTHY, TALANIMAN... maybe you guys should read her words again...
WHERE on God's earth do you see 'control' in them!!
*****
Hey gang-
Not sure if I am posting in the correct topic.
My boyfriend secretly watches porn when he thinks I am asleep by sneaking his laptop into the bathroom and locking the door.
This may be natural... but it is very aggrevating and hurtful.
Two cents on a couple questions are welcomed:
Is this helpful for our sexual relationship? In that if I give off the vibe that I don't want sex, and he does, is it okay for him to conduct himself like this?
Naively, this is my first relationship... so I wonder if it bothers me to the point of stripping my sleep, is it worth a battle fighting? Should I be worried?
Thanks much!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, but you see-he locks the door. I tried the "I need to use the restroom" tactic. All he has to do is close the browser.
What would you suggest I do then? Grab his laptop and screen his history--oh and the history part, his mozilla has the feature to delete all history/temp int files/cookies upon closing.
Ugh seems like a no win situation.
Sorry for my discouraged attitude... thanks for your advice, though. I'd like more if you come up with anything else.
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If I find out that he is carrying on a sexual conversations, I think I'd have to pause our relationship and define to myself, the meaning of infidelity.
Him watching porn while I am asleep and not being able to communicat it is definitely an issue in this relationship.
I am trying to understand though, is it because I'm asleep that he can't wake me up and tell me that he's feeling sexual, or is it because I'm asleep that he feels like he can be more sexual?
You are right, the uncertainty may be what is inflicting the first pain.
I am not sure though, that I would get turned on by the fact that my b/f runs with his laptop to the bathroom in his most clandestine way.
I know my partner is very passionate, but I guess I'd like his passion to be directed towards me.
And thinking about it a little more, I don't think my attitude would remain positive about porn, if I began suspecting his stimulation, while with me, was entirely and solely based on his pornographic memory. In fact, I think I'd feel used.
*****
Well, she is demanding he not watch porn even when she is not there.
<> I see no 'demand' as such, all I see is that she is greately bothered by it, hurt by it, made to feel uncomfortable about it, and he doesn't give a monkeys about her feelings.

Would she have the same objection when she is not there if he is off work that day? I'll be she does.
<> I don't know. Maybe yes maybe no, but that isn't what this is all about, not what she is asking advice about. I happen to think that she should because I'm against porn, but what I have also noticed is that, apart from me, and I think another (apologies if I'm wrong), guys seem to be on his side. Nobody takes the girls feelings into consideration.

Does he object when she chats away with her lady friends or spends the weekend shopping with them? Does he agree with this? Odds are this is possible.
<> you're WAY off the topic here! You're digressing and turning the whole situation on her, as if SHE is doing something wrong, SHE is not! You are actually comparing leering over pornography to shopping! And for what... shoes? Groceries? Come on... if HE was AGAINST her "shopping" or talking to her friends, than that really WOULD be controlling.
Let's me fair guys... hm!

I sense a bit of controlling behavior here. She is trying to dictate every little thing he does, his entire day.
<> what 'every little thing'?? For one, porn is not a 'little thing'... and for another, porn is the only 'thing' we are talking about here, nothing else.

I don't hear, I have a problem with my husband because he spends 6+ hours a day watching porn, I hear she has a problem he is watching porn AT ALL. There is a HUGE difference there.
<> (a) they are not married, and this is her FIRST relationship. Yes there is a difference as you say, but... is it WRONG to be against PORN!!

You know marriage is a two way street.
<> WHAT MARRIAGE!!

Henpeck a man about something and it only reinforces that behavior. I'm sure she might do something he highly disagrees with.
<> u are making excuses for him. Is this a guy thing or what!! U don't even KNOW HIM yet you defend him as though you do, as though your best buddies.
And, where in her words do you see that she henpecks him? And, on the basis of what are you so sure that she does things he finds disagreeable?
I'm sorry mate, but you are not being totally fair.

Its not a he MUST do as I say while I do as I wish. That's exactly the sort of behavior that drives many men to have affairs or even end up resenting their wives not to mention divorce, Many (but not all I will admit) of those women are also the most boorish people in bed as well.
<> er... I don't know who you are referring to here, but you cannot be thinking about her.

Porn for men is no different than your average daytime soap operas are for women.
<> lol... you'd be surprised to hear how many men watch that nonsense too :O)

It becomes a problem if it becomes hours on end. Would she rather he watch porn at times or start watching other women? And I am not saying the latter is acceptable.
<> say what you will, you or anyone, but immorality is wrong, and porn is immoral.

Now chatrooms I totally agree because there is human interaction and is a whole different thing. Particularly if he is talking with women (or even men) online. Looking at photos is a whole different thing than talking with people. I NEVER do chatrooms, period.

Now you may or may not agree with this (and you are entitled to either way) but this is my opinion on the topic.
<> I think it's obvious that we disagree, but that's OK... that at least is not immoral, haha..
*****
There is a way to go about things, and communicating to solve this problem to the benefit of both is the way to go.
<> absolutely! But HE isn't communicating!

If nobody is willing to give, then we have a stalemate, and no growth or progress can be made, and yes I agree she sound controlling and unbend able. More of a mother than a mate.
<> as an 'expert' u are making a completely unfair assumption, and on the basis of NON-existant information. Read again, and if need be... again.

RubyPitbull disagrees:
Sorry, but I think you are way off base here.

Robertsqueen agrees:
Disagrees: She didn't come here to be lectured on her boyfriend being morally wrong.. I have to agree wth Ruby that you are way off base.

Immorality is not a question of being on or off base, so your comments don't hold water. I did make a comment above that men seem to be defending him, yet you 2 ladies seem to be defending him too. Interesting...
And, if I was being off base towards her, it really would be up the her to tell me that, no one else.

Well crocop, I can say that I have known women who Were controlling as all hell, who also complained about a guy watching porn. They demanded certain behavior and turned around and did far worse themselves. That's what I detected in the brief exposure I have had to this member here. In her case was I wrong, its possible, but its also possible I wasn't. Without knowing the entire story in all its minute details and without her possible bias in it then its hard to be certain.

However I do detect a bit of whatever he has done he is automatically wrong and regardless of what's going on she is unconditionally right from your post, and that part is extremely clear. That makes me question your motives behind this.

If you want to talk about assumptions being made, keep in mind you were also making quite a few of your own. It is possible we are all wrong here and he wasn't watching porn at all, and was doing office work for all we know for certain.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

Well crocop, I can say that I have known women who Were controlling as all hell, who also complained about a guy watching porn. They demanded certain behavior and turned around and did worse themselves. THats what I detected in the brief exposure I have had to this member here. In her case was I wrong, its possible, but its also possible I wasn't. Without knowing the entire story in all its minute details its hard to be certain.

However I do detect a bit of whatever he has done he is automatically wrong and irregardless of whats going on she is unconditionally right from your post, and that part is extremely clear. That makes me question your motives behind this.

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From the brief exposure I've given everyone, no more or less to you, you are beyond wrong about me being demanding. Just curious, how did you detect that?


Without knowing the full details, it's better if you didn't respond at all.
Without knowing the entire story about you and the brief exposure you've disclosed about yourself, it's hard to be certain whether your response was some kind of displaced emotional baggage/anger about your past experiences with women or your current experience with your wife... either case, I do not care to know.

I understand what your going through. Let me tell you what I do. When I got married my husband watched porn behind my back. I found out by looking at the history and looking at the trash bin (in the computer).
I told him it bugged me. He asked why and I told him the truth. It made me feel less of a woman. It made me feel that I didn't satisfy his needs. He explained he didn't do it for that reason. So I asked him not to do it.
He might still watch it but what I don't know doesn't hurt me. But now every one in a while I'll turn it to the playboy channel and we'll watch it together. He isn't addicted, and I really find no point of watching porn, but I rather have my husband count on me than on anyone else. And he trusts me and he knows that he doesn't need to hide from me.
Talk to you BF and see if it works. GOOD LUCK:)

To Crocop.
I read what was written quite well, and since you ask crocop, your morality is yours, and has nothing to do with me, and to this point I've pretty much left you alone with what is your opinion. If you read any of my posts the main theme is communication, and with 33 years of marriage under my belt I know excatly what I'm talking about. As far as controlling, what would you call someone who tells you what to do with your free time? Their time. No where has he thrown it in her face, or done it in front of her, but while she knew what he was doing, chose to interrupt and make him stop, controlling and desrespectfull, even in the bathroon she should know to wait till he is through with his business and then talk. So you can wrap yourself around your morality and sugar coat her behaviour but it still stands, she was trying to control his actions because it did not meet her standard as to what a man should be doing with his spare time. I submit respectfully for you to reread what I've written and I really don't care about your morality, if your happy with it, then so am I.

Well crocop, I can say that I have known women who Were controlling as all hell, who also complained about a guy watching porn. They demanded certain behavior and turned around and did far worse themselves.
<> I cannot comment on your experience because you offer no info, you are just accusing them of being controlling and doing something worse. Maybe you are right in your case, maybe not.
Aries on the other hand has offered details and on the basis of those details I have formulated my comments/opinions, and I still challenge you to show me evidence of her trying to control him. Pornography is a huge issue with people, and she has a God given right to be anti it. No?

That's what I detected in the brief exposure I have had to this member here. In her case was I wrong, its possible, but its also possible I wasn't.
<> exactly! You see a 50/50 possibility, yet you are still prepared to accuse her of being controlling. In a court of law, your argument would last 5 seconds.

Without knowing the entire story in all its minute details and without her possible bias in it then its hard to be certain.
<> of course she is biased! How can she NOT be!! The issue is a large one, and one she finds difficult to accept. Your argument of being biased would only apply if she was, say, supporting a friend of hers, because she's a friend, kind of like a vested interest.

However I do detect a bit of whatever he has done he is automatically wrong and regardless of what's going on she is unconditionally right from your post, and that part is extremely clear. That makes me question your motives behind this.
<> my motives!! That's a very odd thing to say. I'm against pornography, and immorality in general (as should we all be), and his behaviour is childish. If he's so hooked on it, why shove it in her face? His love of porn is even preventing her access into the loo in the middle of the night. I fail to see how in all this anyone can make her out to be the bad guy here.

If you want to talk about assumptions being made, keep in mind you were also making quite a few of your own. It is possible we are all wrong here and he wasn't watching porn at all, and was doing office work for all we know for certain.
<> office work... in the loo... behind a locked door... refusing her access... making her, for all we know, pee in her panties... office work... yes of course... why didn't I think of that? Give me a break!

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Originally Posted by talaniman

To Crocop.
I read what was written quite well, and since you ask crocop, your morality is yours, and has nothing to do with me, and to this point I've pretty much left you alone with what is your opinion. If you read any of my posts the main theme is communication, and with 33 years of marriage under my belt I know excatly what i'm talking about. As far as controlling, what would you call someone who tells you what to do with your free time? Their time. No where has he thrown it in her face, or done it in front of her, but while she knew what he was doing, chose to interupt and make him stop, controlling and desrespectfull, even in the bathroon she should know to wait till he is thru with his business and then talk. So you can wrap yourself around your morality and sugar coat her behaviour but it still stands, she was trying to control his actions because it did not meet her standard as to what a man should be doing with his spare time. I submit respectfully for you to reread what I've written and I really don't care about your morality, if your happy with it, then so am I.

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While I do not disagree with your advice to improve communication, I do disagree with your free time comment. If in her free time, your wife chose to participate in a behavior that would aggrevate you and not be open/honest/communicate about it, RelationshipExpert, would you call yourself controlling in trying to figure it out (ie how to facilitate conversation, etc)?
And I do NOT know exactly what he is doing. I'm suspecting that 2+hours in the bathroom with your laptop and headphones until 2am means something. Would you advise with Xyears of marriage under your belt that I wait until he comes out of the bathroom at 3am and ask him about it. What kind of response would I get esp. if he's chosen to HIDE it?

What is my standard as to what a man should be doing with his spare time? Please quote me and do not continue assuming. This part is not helpful.

TALANIMAN... I see no communication from him. As for the bathroom... his business as far as we have been led to believe, and we have no reason to think different, was to play with his laptop. Is that what the loo is for!!
Forgive me in advance if I offend u in any way, that is the last thing I want to do, but.. where do u read that she is telling him what do in his spare time!!
Also... 33 years of marriage doesn't always guarantee anything, but I absolutely agree with you, and am glad that we do agree on something, is that communication is the key to all. However, being able to read a situation well and fairly, and without direct accusations on the basis of unfounded reasons, is equally important. For instance, you are questioning my motives! On what basis? On your opinion? U are guilty of making vast assumptions, with less info than zero.

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disagrees: Didn't read my postings. Character assassinations based on assumptions are not helpful.

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I read your post quite carefully actually and 99% of my posts address the issue of a lack of communications or a lack of how to communicate. I know very well it takes two and this was my main point.

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And he does, is it okay for him to conduct himself like this?
Naively, this is my first relationship... so I wonder if it bothers me to the point of stripping my sleep, is it worth a battle fighting? Should I be worried?

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I tried to address this concern also, which you chose to ignore as with my other posts, as to me assassinating your character you just have to examine the statement of you coming home early to find him watching porn, which is nothing but you controlling his free time to do as he pleases. CONTROLLING! Also your efforts in the bathroom that you assume to be okay was seen as controlling as your intent was one of confrontation, which you call trying to talk to him about his problem. I get it bothers you, but don't blame me for pointing out the obvious, you two do not know how to communicate to solve your problems to the benefit of you both. That is what I got by reading your post and I stand by it 100% as my honest opinion. You can be mad to hear what you don't like or focus on listening and learning to solve your own problems. This may be your first relationship and posting on a public forum but my 33 years of being happily married should let you know that I know a little something' about what couples can do to be healthy. Sorry if it didn't meet your needs.