My boyfriend of one year has been telling me throughout our entire relationship that he doesn't watch porn and he knows I'm not okay with him watching it. I am 19 and he is almost 22. Today in the "notes" section on his phone I saw the name of a porn star. He admitted he has been watching porn about 2-3 times a week throughout our relationship, even though he had been telling me he hasn't. He has videos of us and pictures of me so why should he need to watch porn and lie? I know he loves me and he wants to live with me and marry me. I don't know how to react or what to feel.

"My boyfriend of one year has been telling me throughout our entire relationship that he doesn't watch porn and he knows I'm not okay with him watching it."

It is because you are not okay with it that he has been lying to you. He probably wanted to avoid an argument and didn't want to hurt your feelings. Since it is very unlikely either of you will change, the lie may have been the best way to maintain peace and happiness in your relationship.

"He has videos of us and pictures of me so why should he need to watch porn and lie?"

Because he is committed to you and values your relationship, he cannot physically cheat on you without losing something he wants. However, both men and women are programmed to want variety in their sexual partners. This is his way to feed that desire for multiple partners without destroying your relationship.

Don't you ever fantasize about other people? Maybe it doesn't seem to be as vivid as porn, but if you're still doing it, it's pretty much the same thing. At any rate, he will very likely not change and if you fight this, you will be fighting a losing battle.

He lies because you would not be open to accept him doing this. He is wrong about lying and should have been clear from the beginning that he does this. While not all men, many do watch porn, and it has nothing to do with you, or you being enough,

This is like TV, movies, or magazines, just a pretend escape.

Realistically, you need to determine if you can live with him using pornography because he won't stop unless he wants to.

It's a deal breaker for me but per many discussions about porn on ADHD, many men will continue using it whether their partners like it or not. I don't know why, but many men justify lying to their wives and girlfriends about it, and seem not to care a lot about how it makes the women in their lives feel. They seem to think that because they think it "shouldn't" negatively impact the women in their lives, the women have "no right" to feel badly upon discovering it.

I think that in a relationship, if we have to sneak around about something, we shouldn't be doing it. I do not think porn is innocuous and I do feel that a man in a relationship should raise the bar on his behavior in consideration of his partner's feelings. I also feel the industry is predatory and poorly regulated, and many minors are abused by it. Many of the barely-legal women are preyed upon as well, and quite a lot of women featured in porn are sex-slaves. For these reasons, I will not be with a man who participates in any way in the business, as a customer or free observer or whatever. No thanks.

There are men who share my feminist views, and those are the kinds of men I date.

That said, you may not feel as vigilant as I do, and have to decide where your boundary is drawn. This may not be a deal breaker issue for you. Maybe you just don't want to come across evidence of it and need him to do a better job of keeping it away from you. I don't know, but you should have your eyes open to the reality - he's not going to stop. If he wanted to stop out of respect for you, he would have done so already.

Any good relationship must have honesty, respect, trust, caring, and a willingness to talk about anything. Your relationship lacks some of these like honesty, respect, and trust. If he really respects you, he would respect your wishes.
What else will he lie about?
I would think about ending this relationship and finding someone else. Good luck.

First off. Great Advice! That last paragraph is golden. But my bonnet has a bee in it.

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Originally Posted by dontknownuthin

I think that in a relationship, if we have to sneak around about something, we shouldn't be doing it. I do not think porn is innocuous and I do feel that a man in a relationship should raise the bar on his behavior in consideration of his partner's feelings. I also feel the industry is predatory and poorly regulated, and many minors are abused by it. Many of the barely-legal women are preyed upon as well, and quite a lot of women featured in porn are sex-slaves. For these reasons, I will not be with a man who participates in any way in the business, as a customer or free observer or whatever. No thanks.

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If that is the case than the woman should relinquish EVERYTHING that arouses her that isn't her husband to raise the bar on their behaviour? Is it always up to the man to "Rise" up in the relationship and not the woman? The main purpose and thrust of popularly defined femenism is equality and balance. I see neither in the above statement.

Though being a man standing up for himself instead of kowtowing, I tend to be ignored and vilified.

It is misunderstanding and ignorance that creates the fear and loathing associated with pornography. Being ingrained in such, most people won't explore to understand the industry and instead just continue with half heard rumours and all their preconceived notions on it.

How is the industry poorly regulated? Every commercial made pornographic film in the US and many western countries are required to have records on the models in the film including Letters of consent, verification of age, and probably several waivers. If you've watched a commercially available pornographic film there will be a disclaimer as such at the front.

The fact of the matter most models are doing what they do for the money like any capitalist in our world. He is a venture capitalist, She's a manager at wal-mart, he takes it up the rear, she eats carpet. Everyone gets paid for their work and trust me porn is hard work. No pun intended. I follow blogs of a few porn stars and it is a job.

When you get to the amateur stuff or some of what you find online. That is where it gets dodgy. But who pays for porn online.

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Originally Posted by dontknownuthin

There are men who share my feminist views, and those are the kinds of men I date.

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I pity the man you find to be honest because either he's going to be a GREAT lair or will be so whipped by the harsh feminist culture that he'll be afraid of having a libido because he wouldn't want to be exploiting or objectifying you.

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Originally Posted by dontknownuthin

That said, you may not feel as vigilant as I do, and have to decide where your boundary is drawn. This may not be a deal breaker issue for you. Maybe you just don't want to come across evidence of it and need him to do a better job of keeping it away from you. I don't know, but you should have your eyes open to the reality - he's not going to stop. If he wanted to stop out of respect for you, he would have done so already.

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Solid advice. A different angle though, If you wanted to ignore this out of respect for him. He has the utmost respect for you. I can guarantee this. He's been trying to hide this because he doesn't want to hurt you, but he wants to be with you.

So as a test and a thought for you. What was his affection and intimacy levels before you knew he was watching porn. This is when he was watching but you didn't know. What was life like? Now that you know. What has changed? The amount he makes love to you? The intimate moments? Anything in the relationship?

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Originally Posted by fredg

Any good relationship must have honesty, respect, trust, caring, and a willingness to talk about anything. Your relationship lacks some of these like honesty, respect, and trust. If he really respects you, he would respect your wishes.
What else will he lie about?
I would think about ending this relationship and finding someone else. Good luck.

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Zero Tolerance hasn't worked well for anything. Just ask the kid that got suspended because he ate a sandwich into the shape of a gun. What and why are very important here. Because he knows that you don't approve of porn he is going to hide it and deny it. Does that mean he is going to run around and cheat on you? Nope.

I think compromise is appropriate here as well as a good understanding on how a man's mind works. I have found with a good number of women that they have no clue how they work and just assume that they act and behave the same way that they do. Which is dead wrong.

I don't think he is the one that needs to change here because you've made NO effort to understand his side. You're just laying down rules. See how well that works.

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If that is the case than the woman should relinquish EVERYTHING that arouses her that isn't her husband to raise the bar on their behaviour? Is it always up to the man to "Rise" up in the relationship and not the woman?

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I don't think there's an argument here to relinquish everything that arouses a person outside of their partner, just porn. And the argument to give it up, at least as far as dontknownuthin seemed to be saying, was that it's an industry that's exploitive. Maybe it doesn't treat all of its workers unfairly, but even a handful being seriously mistreated should at least give you pause regarding the industry overall.

Also, nowhere is it said that the man must be the only one in a relationship to rise up. Perhaps it seems that way because there is a double standard for behavior in society where women are taught to be modest and men are taught to be aggressive about sexuality. I think women grow up held to standards of behavior that are more stringent while men are told that folding to such standards makes them weak and unmasculine. Maybe you don't agree but I think this is true and is the source of your complaint that 'men must always be the ones to rise up.' I personally have made many sacrifices and changes to make my relationship work. Maybe that's not 'rising up' in the moral sense but it is 'rising to the occasion.'

At any rate, do you believe that learning to look the other way with regard to pornography would be the way in which a woman should 'rise up?'

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Originally Posted by backpack2389

I don't think there's an argument here to relinquish everything that arouses a person outside of their partner, just porn. And the argument to give it up, at least as far as dontknownuthin seemed to be saying, was that it's an industry that's exploitive. Maybe it doesn't treat all of its workers unfairly, but even a handful being seriously mistreated should at least give you pause regarding the industry overall.

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Just Porn... so male arousal. Things that get women turned on is fine. Harlequin romances, romantic comedies, and literary erotica are all fine for the woman. It is a double standard.

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Originally Posted by backpack2389

Also, nowhere is it said that the man must be the only one in a relationship to rise up. Perhaps it seems that way because there is a double standard for behavior in society where women are taught to be modest and men are taught to be aggressive about sexuality. I think women grow up held to standards of behavior that are more stringent while men are told that folding to such standards makes them weak and unmasculine. Maybe you don't agree but I think this is true and is the source of your complaint that 'men must always be the ones to rise up.' I personally have made many sacrifices and changes to make my relationship work. Maybe that's not 'rising up' in the moral sense but it is 'rising to the occasion.'

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It has been a long growing trend of emasculation. Maybe one side of the standard is wrong and not the one you're thinking of. Maybe women should be more aggressive and open with respect to their sexuality. As bad as it sounds, maybe we should abandon the last of the Victorian and Edwardian beliefs and body, mind, and sexuality and approach it in a different manner. That is what society is evolving to but I think we have yet to find the balance.

For example, Slut shaming. How the hell does that make sense? A woman is being attacked for exploring her own sexuality. A guy does the same thing and gets a pat on the back. Why don't we do the same for the woman?

What I am saying is that maybe the standard of men having to rise to the occasion should be replaced with relaxing of the standards for both men and women.

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Originally Posted by backpack2389

At any rate, do you believe that learning to look the other way with regard to pornography would be the way in which a woman should 'rise up?'

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I think she needs to understand the problem first. Why doesn't she want her boyfriend to watch pornography? This will most likely bring up a bunch of self-confidence, self-image, and self-esteem issues that she has. Second she needs to deal with her own said issues. Realization that she is a sexy, beautiful person, regardless of anything that is bumpy, or saggy, or what not. I am seen size 0 women with cellulite, so no body is perfect this side of photoshop. Learn to love herself, how can she expect her boyfriend to if she doesn't?

Next she needs to figure out how she gets aroused, how her boyfriend does, and how monumentally different those ways are. Men are from mars, and women are from venus. It is that different. Then she needs to understand why he is doing what he is doing. Discover that it isn't because he's dissatisfied with her or that he isn't attracted to her anymore. That even watching porn, he loves her, and cares for her, and wants to spend his life with her. Regardless of the fact that he wanks off to a silicon filled thought.

That is the course of action. She doesn't need to turn a blind eye but understand what is happening and going on, separate the emotional and instinctual from the intellectual and rational. This isn't a simple process and it can be simplified into a "You can look just so long as I see no evidence of it." I wouldn't recommend it because you'll always have that Sloth (Not elephant) in the living room.

Knee jerk responses do not do anyone any good. Especially when it comes to your sex lives. It is still just a private part of your life that any variance can and will cause problems. If you don't communicate well, which is something that is not happening well here, then things are going to fester until the relationship falls apart.

That is my advice in a coconut shell, won't fit in a walnut.

Just want to let people know not only men watch/read porn. 50 shades of gray is one example that I can think of. I myself do not understand women or men who say if they loved me they would not need to read/watch it.
Well I don't like science fiction so if my husband loved me he would not watch it at all. All I see is people wanting to control others. What happened to open dialogue in relationships? That is not you must do what I want or you don't love me rather talking to each other and listening to each other.

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Originally Posted by mogrann

Just want to let people know not only men watch/read porn. 50 shades of gray is one example that I can think of. I myself do not understand women or men who say if they loved me they would not need to read/watch it.
Well I don't like science fiction so if my husband loved me he would not watch it at all. All I see is people wanting to control others. What happened to open dialogue in relationships? That is not you must do what I want or you don't love me rather talking to each other and listening to each other.

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If I could give you another one I would. On the head.

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Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

If I could give you another one I would. On the head.

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I gave her one of mine with your name on it. :)

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Just Porn... so male arousal. Things that get women turned on is fine. Harlequin romances, romantic comedies, and literary erotica are all fine for the woman. It is a double standard.

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But there are factors associated with porn that are not associated with erotic literature - such as real people being the source of the entertainment and that some of those people are being treated badly. As I have said many times, I find both forms of media unappealing. I read part of 50 shades of gray on the recommendation of a friend. I couldn't finish it because it was the most ridiculous piece of poorly written garbage I had ever encountered. Maybe if I indulged in that form of entertainment more often or earlier, I would think differently. But, as it stands, I don't like any of it.

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What I am saying is that maybe the standard of men having to rise to the occasion should be replaced with relaxing of the standards for both men and women.

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I agree with this statement. I'm not saying that the current standard of society is fair or right, just that it is. The fact that it puts men and women on different levels with regard to behavioral standards and gives people different perspectives of right and wrong is going to cause problems when those people eventually have to understand each other.

I mean, is it really such a wonder that so many people struggle with this issue? For one person, it's something you never do and for another it's your God given right. How do you easily reconcile those perspectives? I do believe it should be an open dialogue and one that neither a man nor a woman should be ashamed to voice their perspectives on. It's also why, when this issue becomes a problem, I don't think either party should 100% take the blame.

"I couldn't finish it because it was the most ridiculous piece of poorly written garbage I had ever encountered. Maybe if I indulged in that form of entertainment more often or earlier, I would think differently. But, as it stands, I don't like any of it."

That form of entertainment?

You are certainly entitled to your opinion, but "that form of entertainment"?

That entire statement is a poorly aimed jab at anyone who doesn't have a problem with erotic (or, for that matter, pornographic) literature.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

"I couldn't finish it because it was the most ridiculous piece of poorly written garbage I had ever encountered..."

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There he was talking about the book, Fifty Shades of Gray, which indeed is horrendous writing -- pulp fiction, if that.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

There he was talking about the book, Fifty Shades of Gray, which indeed is horrendous writing -- pulp fiction, if that.

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I read all three books because my husband bought them for me thinking I'd like them. I'm an avid reader, and he's always buying me books, and normally he has great test in reading material, despite the fact that he's not a reader. This time he failed.

I have no idea why that series has gone to the top of the charts. It is fluff, and it's not even good fluff, but I have to admit, I will likely watch the movie (I won't pay to see it in the theater,but I'll buy the DVD) when they make it, simply because I want to see how they interpret the book. I also want to find out if it's going to even be allowed on the big screen. It's porn, and unless they leave out the sex scenes, which would be 75% of the books, they won't be allowed to show what they do in the book, on the big screen.

To the OP, if you've ever read a romance novel, or watched a romantic movie, then guess what, you're watching chick porn.

The biggest problem I had with your post is that you seem to think that you can say "you're not allowed to" and he should bow and obey because you don't like it. That's not a relationship, that's ownership. If you want someone to obey your every command, get a dog.

Side note.

Craven and Mogrann, I greenied each of you, and then ran out. I would have given more if I had them. Great posts, and right on target.

I don't think it will win the Pulitzer Prize for literature - my problem was with "Maybe if I indulged in that form of entertainment more often or earlier, I would think differently. But, as it stands, I don't like any of it."

"That form of entertainment" is a jab at anyone/everyone who likes erotic literature. This is like telling a person she doesn't sweat much for a fat girl, a jab.

I have read sex scenes in books that I found arousing. I have read some examples of erotic literature, and it has never appealed to me. Usually my trouble with it is that the writing is frequently so clumsy (in my opinion) that I cannot get into it. 50 Shades of Gray was a whole new level of bad writing - again, in my opinion. However, knowing that other people read it, my point with that comment was that my lack of familiarity with it might be keeping me from seeing the positives of it.

Anyway, if porn is like any other form of entertainment... would you be upset if I said I didn't like magazines as a form of entertainment? What if I didn't like a specific genre?

If any negative feelings were communicated in my comments, they stem from the fact that it seems to often be assumed on AMHD that where men are watching porn, women are spending an equal amount of time watching/reading what has been dubbed 'chick' porn. For me personally, and for many others I'm sure, this isn't true and I dislike being put into such a box.

If the OP does indulge in 'chick' porn and can see romantic comedies as being the same thing as pornography, then the equality argument might work. If she cannot do/does not do either of those things, then she'll just have to accept that she may not look outside the relationship for sexual gratification while he does and there can be practical reasons for both of them to do what they do. It's still an equal relationship as long as both people have equal expectations of each other.

I'm not "upset" by your comment. I thought it was unfair to anyone/everyone who enjoys or minimally tolerates porn and erotic literature.

That's the problem with assuming.

At any rate, yes, I understand what you are saying.

If it wasn't porn it would be something else that made you feel bad so the real issue is how you both work together to resolve this issue that you both can live with. While he shouldn't have lied about it at all, many guys do to keep the peace and that's always a conflict when the truth come to light.

I see this as your first big test in this year old relationship that will set a pattern of how you are going to resolve future conflicts. If you insist he stop watching porn, then be prepared for him to make you stop something, be it the way you dress, or the friends you hang with, or anything else.

If I were you, I would be talking and listening, and setting boundaries that allows for respect, honesty and truth, but gives you both privacy, and trust. Not easy, but it has to be worked on by you both. Now that you know the truth, it's what you do about it that counts,and trust me if you do get a resolution about the porn, there will be many more obstacles to deal with down the road.

Choose your battles and how you fight them carefully. If you expect a lifetime, then start now to lay the foundations of honesty through communications because if you can't talk you will NEVER understand each other, nor resolve things that life throws at you. In this regard you won't last long together any way.

You build a life together, or you build it apart.

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there are factors associated with porn that are not associated with erotic literature - such as real people being the source of the entertainment

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However, women are literal creatures. We like to fantasize. It's much easier for a woman to read and expand than it is for a man who is a visual creature. A man will not derive the same kind of pleasure/eroticism reading that a woman will, whereas a woman will not derive the same kind of pleasure in visual stimulation that a man does.

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Originally Posted by J_9

However, women are literal creatures. We like to fantasize. It's much easier for a woman to read and expand than it is for a man who is a visual creature. A man will not derive the same kind of pleasure/eroticism reading that a woman will, whereas a woman will not derive the same kind of pleasure in visual stimulation that a man does.

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Agreed, but I wasn't talking about the gratification to be had by the consumer. I was talking about the ethics associated with the production of it. As a consumer of literature, you don't have to worry about the characters in the novel being treated ethically, because they are not real people. With porn, they are real people so you could be promoting an industry that is taking advantage of/exploiting people. The sexual gratification to be had by the consumer from either form could very well be equivalent but that statement was about the ethics not the gratification. It was related to a couple of earlier posts discussing the industry.

What does the political view of porn have to do with anything? You assume the actors are slaves when in fact they get paid bookoo bucks. To many the degree of hard core porn, and soft core porn found on HBO is negligible.

Doesn't matter if your partner doesn't have the same view as you do. If the issue was how to raise the kids you would still need to come to a compromise.

If it's a deal breaker then leave. Personally if I have to lie to keep peace, I would leave.

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Originally Posted by J_9

However, women are literal creatures. We like to fantasize.

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Don't you mean we are NOT literal creatures (whereas men are), thus we can fantasize and use our emotions (whereas men need the literal, the visual). That's why, if a man wants a hot lovemaking session with his female partner that evening after work, he should begin stimulating her imagination and emotions early in the day and continue throughout the day.

Some good discussions are going on but may I suggest the words most or usually. Not all women are not literal people. Some woman like watching porn more than reading and some men like reading it more than watching. Nothing is absolute. I would not want someone to be reading this thinking they were odd as they went against what they should be.

I'm an adult.. if I want to watch porn... nobody has any right to tell me I can't.

I don't tell her what she can watch... she can't tell me what I can watch... but then, I was wise enough to pick a woman with good self esteme to marry.

I've walked out on every female that tried to be controlling... either overtly or passive -aggressively.

If you learn only one rule of life... its should be this one... one persons personl rights end... where the personal rights of another begin.

If everyone followed that rule... there would be far less trouble in the world.

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Originally Posted by backpack2389

Agreed, but I wasn't talking about the gratification to be had by the consumer. I was talking about the ethics associated with the production of it. As a consumer of literature, you don't have to worry about the characters in the novel being treated ethically, because they are not real people. With porn, they are real people so you could be promoting an industry that is taking advantage of/exploiting people. The sexual gratification to be had by the consumer from either form could very well be equivalent but that statement was about the ethics not the gratification. It was related to a couple of earlier posts discussing the industry.

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Very good points, but sadly that's not what we're discussing on this thread. The OP posted that she forbid her boyfriend to watch porn because she doesn't like it, and he felt the need to lie and watch it behind her back, because he knew she wouldn't be happy with him watching it, because she doesn't allow him to.

Can we at least agree that adults are allowed to make their own decisions, and no relationship will survive if one person forbids the other from doing something (that's legal) when they want to do it?

That's why I bring up chick flicks and books like 50 Shades of grey. They're legal forms of entertainment. They don't have to be your cup of tea, and that's fine, but for many others, and 50 Shades of grey is a great example, it is a form of entertainment, mainly enjoyed by women, and it is porn. You're arguing that because it's a book and not real, it's okay, but a man watching porn isn't?

Telling a man that he can't watch porn because you don't agree with it, is not your choice, it's his. If he chooses to promote an industry that you don't agree with, but is legal, than that's his choice, not yours.

Really though, your aversion to the porn industry and your opinion that it exploits women, is not in keeping with the question of this particular thread. It's an interesting topic, and one I'd urge you to post about, but I would suggest that you start your own thread, and keep this thread about the actual question asked.

I think it's silly to say romantic movies or chick flicks are like porn for women. Romantic movies don't bring me to orgasm! They don't get my lady parts crazy aroused! The romantic movies I do like just make me feel warm and fuzzy. Maybe these movies do get some women in the mood. I guess because the warm fuzzy feelings make them want to cuddle up to their boyfriend/ husband, and that turns into something more. Or it just makes them think of warm and fuzzy thoughts in general. But do they then go masturbate? I doubt it. I don't remember a good romantic movie ever making me want to go masturbate afterwards!

I can only assume erotic books are comparable to porn. I've never read one though. I've only read some excerpts from 50 shades of grey to see what the hype is and I laughed my a** off (because it's that bad).

Anyway, I just had to say I don't agree with those comparisons. I get tired of seeing it used on here all the time.

I'm not against porn though! To the OP, I can understand if you aren't interested in giving porn a chance. But watching it might change your mind. If you're at all curious, look for what you might be into. It might be that there is more build up or foreplay, or the women is treated with extra care, or it seems like a genuinely in love couple, or a certain type of position turns you on, etc. 80-90% of it doesn't do anything for me. But I know exactly what I like to watch. For the most part it just makes masturbation easier because I don't have to come up with a scenario in my head/ use my imagination, the video does that part for me.

Once you can get into it, you'll realize it's just a tool for you to masturbate. I highly doubt you'll be comparing the porn stars abs, penis, or whatever else to your boyfriend's! And your boyfriend isn't either. You'll realize there's nothing to be insecure about.

Only if he's neglecting you or choosing porn over you (you are home and ready and willing) is there a problem.

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Originally Posted by greentree30

I think it's silly to say romantic movies or chick flicks are like porn for women. Romantic movies don't bring me to orgasm! They don't get my lady parts crazy aroused! The romantic movies I do like just make me feel warm and fuzzy. Maybe these movies do get some women in the mood. I guess because the warm fuzzy feelings make them want to cuddle up to their boyfriend/ husband, and that turns into something more. Or it just makes them think of warm and fuzzy thoughts in general. But do they then go masturbate? I doubt it. I don't remember a good romantic movie ever making me want to go masturbate afterwards!

I can only assume erotic books are comparable to porn. I've never read one though. I've only read some excerpts from 50 shades of grey to see what the hype is and I laughed my a** off (because it's that bad).

Anyway, I just had to say I don't agree with those comparisons. I get tired of seeing it used on here all the time.

I'm not against porn though! To the OP, I can understand if you aren't interested in giving porn a chance. But watching it might change your mind. If you're at all curious, look for what you might be into. It might be that there is more build up or foreplay, or the women is treated with extra care, or it seems like a genuinely in love couple, or a certain type of position turns you on, etc. 80-90% of it doesn't do anything for me. But I know exactly what I like to watch. For the most part it just makes masturbation easier because I don't have to come up with a scenario in my head/ use my imagination, the video does that part for me.

Once you can get into it, you'll realize it's just a tool for you to masturbate. I highly doubt you'll be comparing the porn stars abs, penis, or whatever else to your boyfriend's! And your boyfriend isn't either. You'll realize there's nothing to be insecure about.

Only if he's neglecting you or choosing porn over you (you are home and ready and willing) is there a problem.

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Its not silly... if you understood more about the differences between the thought processes of men... and the thought processes of women... you would see they are essentially the same thing... (romance novels ARE girl porn) because of the differences of how each gender view and process things.

But then... you have to be willing to accept the fact that everyone doesn't think exactly they way you might... and just because you might not like something doesn't make it automatically wrong.

Think I'm kidding? Would you think anything that deviates from Puritanical views and practices regarding sex (say during the 16th through 18th centuries) are the only ones that are correct and its everyone else that has a problem? Well if you are seriously repressed sexually you might... but the fact remains... people like that are the ones that have the real problems... and its also a main factor in why a man having a mistress or more was common practice back then too.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

Its not silly...if you understood more about the differences between the thought processes of men...and the thought processes of women...you would see they are essentially the same exact thing....(romance novels ARE girl porn) because of the differences of how each gender view and process things.

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Yea I agree about romance novels, just not romantic comedies or chick flicks being female porn. Or at least not every woman has that sort of reaction to them.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

But then...you have to be willing to accept the fact that everyone doesn't think exactly they way you might....and just because you might not like something doesn't make it automatically wrong.

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Trust me, I know everyone doesn't think like me! When I disagree with something I just see it as we have different opinions/ point of views.
I don't dislike romance novels. Just because I never got into them doesn't mean I think they're wrong! If someone likes 50 shades of gray (the only one I know I don't like) more power to them!

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Originally Posted by smoothy

Think I'm kidding? Would you think anything that deviates from Puritanical views and practices regarding sex (say during the 16th through 18th centuries) are the only ones that are correct and its everyone else that has a problem? Well if you are seriously repressed sexually you might....but the fact remains...people like that are the ones that have the real problems....and its also a main factor in why a man having a mistress or more was common practice back then too.

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If a puritan is happy with his sexually repressed, buttoned up lifestyle then who's to say he's the one with the problems?
Unless he secretly has a mistress on the side, then he's really not satisfied with the puritan practices. He's just trying to portray the perfect puritan lifestyle! But he's really a naughty man who's unbuttoning his tightly buttoned clothing. He's not living up to his puritan values! Well then he does in fact have the problems! Or does he? :-P

And the OP's question, how would you address that?

This has turned into a discussion and should be moved to the discussion boards.

There is no right or wrong about porn, or whatever turns your crank. The real issue is how you and a partner resolve your differences. That really starts with the first encounter, and you learn as you go.

Some couples are more successful than others.

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Originally Posted by greentree30

If a puritan is happy with his sexually repressed, buttoned up lifestyle then who's to say he's the one with the problems?
Unless he secretly has a mistress on the side, then he's really not satisfied with the puritan practices. He's just trying to portray the perfect puritan lifestyle! But he's really a naughty man who's unbuttoning his tightly buttoned clothing. He's not living up to his puritan values!! Well then he does in fact have the problems! Or does he? :-P

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Well the difference between them being happy... and trying to portray their way as the only way are way different...

If they are happy not living up to their potiential... (an I am meaning doing it monogomously)... thats their loss... and I do thank god I wasn't born into that era.

I've also known more than a few females in my younger years... that had some serious repression... and even back then it was enough it put me off and that was a huge factor in my walking away from them eventually... and what I considered simply repressed in those days... I now consider SERIOUSLY repressed. And I am really pretty far from what most people would consider wild... hell, I've been married for over 20 years...

And actually... its not always the female that has the issues... sometimes it's the guy that's the prude.

Smoothy,
That wasn't a real answer I just felt like being silly. I'm running on not much sleep!
But yea, I'm not into people being prudish or sexually repressed. I've found there tends to be an underlying problem they experienced growing up that stuck with them as adults.

Sorry Judy, no more straying off topic for me!

For the record people I don't watch chick flicks or read erotic books please take that discussion somewhere else and let's stay on topic

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Originally Posted by Kmac420

For the record people I don't watch chick flicks or read erotic books please take that discussion somewhere else and let's stay on topic

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Um... thats not how this site works.

Those are part and parcel with each other...

And the fact is.. if you have issues... you need to deal with them... not project them on him because your issues existed before you knew him and would still exist if you ever break up...

As an adult its his right to view porn... and its not anyone's right to impose any controls on the other... overtly or passive-agressively.

Meaning... its not his business to dictate what you do for fun on private time any more than its your business to tell him what he can watch on his private time (and I bet you do watch chick flicks even if you don't want to call them that, tell us what movies have you watched in the last year and we can point them out.) .

Think I'm kidding... I give him at least 80% odds of walking away from you if you push him on this. Best to learn that little rule about personal space and personal rights... there is an immaginary line between people where your rights end... as do theirs if they wish to impose them upon you. It's the appitomy of arrogance to think everyone has to do things the way YOU expect them to be done... The woman I married NEVER tried this the 5 years we dated... nor the 20+ years since we have been married, and I've never done it to her. We have our occaisional disagreements... but its never on anything related to this. More about who left a mess in what room or didn't put something away.

Might apply at home with your kids when you are the parent... but it doesn't with adults... and while it might seem hard to believe... most men and women would never think about telling their partner or spouse what they can and can't watch. I know a lot of them. THere are even many of them here.

The older you get... the more you will understand this... and why. Its one of the great privileges you have as an adult... when you move out and support yourself.

Just so you know, the less you participate in this discussion, the more it strays, so tell us what YOU think of this matter so far? Have you and your guy talked?

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Just so you know, the less you participate in this discussion, the more it strays, so tell us what YOU think of this matter so far? Have you and your guy talked?

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You're right. Yes we have talked a lot about it and he feels horrible and ashamed of himself for lying to me to watch porn. He said he has stopped watching it. But how can I trust him again? I am worried that I will feel uncomfortable having sex with him

Why would you feel uncomfortable having sex with him? Because he's watched porn? It sounds like you need to be more comfortable with yourself.

He lied to you about it because he knew you'd get extremely upset about it. If this is the only lie he's told you, then you can trust him. Guys will lie about porn to women who get upset about it. If you didn't get upset about it then he'd tell you the truth. This is one of those things you should either accept or break up with him. But my advice is to accept it because most men (and a lot of women) watch porn. If you're not comfortable with it then you should find a guy who doesn't watch it.

If he's honest about watching porn in the future are you going to get mad at him?
And if he's vowing to never watch porn again, it's incredibly unlikely he can stick to that! It's just how a lot of people masturbate.