Ask Me Help Desk - How to deal with a girlfriend who doesn't want to have sex

Hi all,

As the question title explains, I am having some difficulties with me girlfriend about the idea of sex. I am 19 and she is 18 (and call it pathetic) but we are both still virgins. We have been together for over 8 months now and the issue is simple: I am ready for sex, and she's not. Don't get me wrong I love this girl to death and its not worth ending things over something like this. I am a very patient person and have put no pressure on her as long as we have been together, but its tough especially when the little intimacy that we do have does not "pleasure" me at all. She has made it clear that she highly opposes the idea of oral sex, therefore leaving me with absolutely no form of pleasure. And while our intimate actions are all based around pleasing her, it is easy to say that she is getting the better end of the deal. I know that my two main options are to suck it up and tolerate it or to end things, andI really want to make things work.

One thing that puzzles me is if our different maturity levels might play a role. I act and think very maturely for my age while she is very immature for her age. Sometimes I wonder if she is not mature enough for sex?

Another thing that bothers me is her lack of communication about the subject. It takes a lot for me to pull together all of my feelings about sex and put them into words, but when I do muscle them out, at the end of the conversation I am left with very little feedback and virtually no answers from her side. That gets me thinking: is she not ready or does she just flat out not want to have sex?

And to top things off, next fall she is transferring to a college about 5 to 6 hours away from where I am. Although that's a completely different subject, I just really want to take advantage and really enjoy the this time that we have together while still being close in distance.

In the end, I plan on staying with her as long as possible but her lack of communication really frustrates me as well as me being a good boyfriend and not really getting a fair share of the deal. Any advise on how to improve my situation would be greatly appreciated.

You think being her boyfriend entitles you to sex? Where did you learn that?

Let me understand a bit better because you really don't say much about this, you pleasure her the way she feels comfortable with, but she refuses to satisfy you with oral. Could it be she doesn't want to admit she doesn't know how, or understand it?

Bulldogg - You sound like a decent guy. By the words you put down everyone has a sense of your frustration. I don't have any words of wisdom but I do hope this works out for you. You might want to consider that you both might be too young for a serious relationship - her especially.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

You think being her boyfriend entitles you to sex? Where did you learn that?

I didn't read this into the post.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tickle

I didn't read this into the post.

"I am ready for sex, and she's not." And he doesn't seem to take her at her word, keeps pressuring her for at least oral which she doesn't want to do either.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

"I am ready for sex, and she's not." And he doesn't seem to take her at her word, keeps pressuring her for at least oral which she doesn't want to do either.

"all of our intimacy is based around pleasing her". Could be her getting what she wants, but not willing to compromise with oral. Something wrong with one sided intimacy is my point and he is dealing with a spoiled lady.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tickle

"all of our intimacy is based around pleasing her". Could be her getting what she wants, but not willing to compromise with oral. Something wrong with one sided intimacy is my point and he is dealing with a spoiled lady.

Or she has things in her past that make her shy away from sex or she is very nervous about sex. Could be a number of things. Sex between two virgins will be fraught with issues but you have to start somewhere.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tickle

"all of our intimacy is based around pleasing her". Could be her getting what she wants, but not willing to compromise with oral. Something wrong with one sided intimacy is my point and he is dealing with a spoiled lady.

I guess he needs to find out what is going on in her head. And what is he giving her so far?

Bulldog, may I offer a bit of 'change of perception' for you? It isn't 'immature' to not want intercourse or even sexual contact. For that matter it isn't 'mature' to want those things. It is 'mature' to communicate with your partner.

You both need to work on talking with each other. Instead of allowing things to build up until you can blurt out what you think and feel try to be more open to talking and she may reciprocate. Letting things build up may be making discussions feel like a confrontation or lecture to her and that you aren't really willing to listen to her needs. You may be shutting her down without realizing it. Unintentionally causing part of the issues is rather common in relationships. Have you tried asking her what she thinks, feels, wants, and needs?

She should feel safe in communicating her thoughts and feelings to you. She needs for you to be as understanding of her needs as you want her to understand yours. She has said she doesn't like giving oral. That isn't the only non-intercourse form of sexual contact there is. If she is using her hand(s), then it may be you need to communicate better to her about what feels good to you. Experiment more with textures, lotions, grip, etc. to find what works best for both of you.

Neither of you should feel pressured into doing anything you don't feel comfortable with doing. Pressure even if you don't mean to apply it can cause a person to back off and in some cases run away.

Something to think about is that for some people having intercourse isn't just an act. For females there are a lot of factors that go into it. For us, there is the possibility of pain. There is also the possibility of pregnancy. No form of birth control or contraceptive is 100% effective. Even when using two or more methods correctly intercourse can result in a pregnancy. For many this chance however slight is still too great to bet their future on. Nature seems to win when the odds are stacked against it.

Talk with her. Try not to talk 'at' her. Listen to what she does say. If you need clarification of what she is thinking ask her. Be calm and patient. As hard as it may be for you to get your feelings out, it may be harder for her. She could be afraid of losing you if she says the wrong thing. Do you hold things in because you are afraid of how she will react?

I try my best to be calm while talking to her but I'm sure I need to work on that some more. But when I ask what she thinks or how she feels, I get the same response "i dont know" and that really grinds my gears. I try to be as understanding as possible. But its hard to progress with the little to no feedback that she gives me. She has only been in one previous relationship, and although that one didn't even last a month, she said he tried to take things too quickly. I understand that she's nervous about the idea, but I feel like she's not willing to meet me in the middle. And yes she does understand oral sex, but she told me from the get-go that she finds a penis gross and would never touch one. Im just really confused on how to make progress with her if she doesn't give me any feedback..

If she finds a penis gross and would never touch one shows severe immaturity, let alone that she can't communicate very well regarding this, does not bode well for your relationship with her.

If any of you all were in my shoes, what would you do about my situation?

I would be completely frustrated with the relationship if she just could not sit down and discuss wants and needs. I still think she is very immature; she is almost an adult and can only say she finds a penis gross and will never touch one. I mean who would ever say that except a twelve year old.

If I were you I would not invest very much more into this relationship and just put your energy into your schooling and perhaps play the field until you come upon someone who can at least talk to you.

She will soon be six hours away at school, so that may be an eye opener for you.

At first, when I was reading your question, I thought that perhaps she is just not ready. After all, 18 is still young. However, as I continued to read, I read that you are pleasing her, and you get nothing in return, correct? I assume that by you pleasing her, you are going down on her?

If that is the case, then I think that it is onesided here.

I see other issues here, though, such as , lack of communication on her part, she seems to be very immature, especially with her response with a penis is gross. I also read that she is moving six hours away? Perhaps these are all red flags, and you may want to consider just having only a friendship with her.

I am not saying that she is a bad person, I just think that she is NOT ready for any type of sexual relationship.

There is no shame in being a virgin at your age, and there is no shame in wanting to have sex. Just make sure that when you do have sex (who ever that might be with) that there is a complete understanding from the two of you. Also make sure that she wants to explore just as much as you do. Sex should be more about the connection between two people. It is something to be valued. It is also something that both parties want to please and gain pleasure out of pleasing their partner. Not, hey, let me lick you down there and I will get nothing in return. Make sense?

I never got the idea he "pleases her" with oral sex. Her comment about a penis being gross makes me wonder if he ever performed oral sex on her (that would be beyond gross to her); I'm guessing no. Thus, I wonder about his comment, "the little intimacy that we do have does not pleasure me at all." What's a "little intimacy"? Perhaps we are thinking a lot more physical stuff is going on between them when it really isn't.

If she is from a conservative Christian home, most of the terms in this thread would be off the table and never discussed or even dared to be mentioned. I know. I was raised in one.

No she has not been raised in a Christian household what so ever. And by "pleasing" her I mean conducting all the foreplay such as fingering her, touching/massaging her, etc. This is as intimate as we have gotten throughout our relationship, and she just kind of goes with it without making any attempt to try to arouse me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bulldogg5

No she has not been raised in a Christian household what so ever. And by "pleasing" her i mean conducting all the foreplay such as fingering her, touching/massaging her, etc. This is as intimate as we have gotten throughout our relationship, and she just kinda goes with it without making any attempt to try to arouse me.

She allows this, but doesn't really react?

Correct, maybe a few grunts here any there, but for the most part I really can't tell if it arouses her at all...

Quote:

Originally Posted by bulldogg5

No she has not been raised in a Christian household what so ever. And by "pleasing" her i mean conducting all the foreplay such as fingering her, touching/massaging her, etc. This is as intimate as we have gotten throughout our relationship, and she just kinda goes with it without making any attempt to try to arouse me.

That's what I thought might be happening. She is allowing you to do what you want probably because she thinks it pleases you and you are playing with her because you think that is what you are supposed to do. She isn't getting into it because she doesn't have the experience know what she needs or wants sexually. (Many young women don't know.) You are getting frustrated because you have an idea of what you want and what you are trying to do to get it isn't working.

I am going to take a step back. I could give you some advice based on generalities, but I want to know what your thoughts and understandings about sex and arousal are.

Short of intercourse, how much experience do you have with sexual contact and arousing a female? Is most of your knowledge gained through erotica/porn? What do you think it takes to arouse a female? Do you think males and females are aroused by the same things or that there are differences in how they 'get in the mood'?

What is your concept of 'romance'?

As for the relationship: What is your usual date with your girlfriend like? How do you spend your time together? Do you enjoy doing things together and having fun? Do you share non-sexual intimacy such as cuddling and holding each other?

Something you haven't said anything about is how stressed and distracted she is with school, furthering her education, her home-life, finances, etc. Also, is she on any form of birth control or other medications? Does she have any medical issues?

Without knowing exactly what happened with her ex (that is her story to share when she wants to share it), she could be holding back mentally because she doesn't want to 'lead you on' or repeat a bad experience. Part of her behavior may be self-protection or fear.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

That's what I thought might be happening. She is allowing you to do what you want probably because she thinks it pleases you and you are playing with her because you think that is what you are supposed to do. She isn't getting into it because she doesn't have the experience know what she needs or wants sexually. (Many young women don't know.) You are getting frustrated because you have an idea of what you want and what you are trying to do to get it isn't working.

I am going to take a step back. I could give you some advice based on generalities, but I want to know what your thoughts and understandings about sex and arousal are.

Short of intercourse, how much experience do you have with sexual contact and arousing a female? Is most of your knowledge gained through erotica/porn? What do you think it takes to arouse a female? Do you think males and females are aroused by the same things or that there are differences in how they 'get in the mood'?

What is your concept of 'romance'?

As for the relationship: What is your usual date with your girlfriend like? How do you spend your time together? Do you enjoy doing things together and having fun? Do you share non-sexual intimacy such as cuddling and holding each other?

Something you haven't said anything about is how stressed and distracted she is with school, furthering her education, her home-life, finances, etc. Also, is she on any form of birth control or other medications? Does she have any medical issues?

Without knowing exactly what happened with her ex (that is her story to share when she wants to share it), she could be holding back mentally because she doesn't want to 'lead you on' or repeat a bad experience. Part of her behavior may be self-protection or fear.

This is my first real relationship so I don't have any experience of arousing females other than what I am doing now. Yes some of my knowledge is through pornography and other internet sources, but most of my knowledge is from closes friends with more expertise on the subject of arousing women. The try to give me advise of what might work well based of their experiences. Im well aware that everyone is different and the different things arouse people, and I guess I'm still trying to find those go-to actions that will get her in the mood. My idea of romance is to treat my girlfriend like a queen, give her a nice massage, dim the lights wherever we are, and act a bit more flirtatious around her. A typical date for us is me picking her up from her house, usually hanging out there for a bit by just causally watching TV, playing with her pets or cuddling together and taking a nap. Once we leave her house we usually try to have some sort of activity planned for the day. For example, we've gone to many movies, baseball games, hiking, aquarium, museums, and just last weekend we went apple picking. And somewhere in the mix we usually get dinner somewhere. If we don't have an activity planned, then we usually go hangout at each others house, usually hers. And yes we do cuddle and hold each other quite often. And yes she is a very stressed out person, almost all of her girl friends and limited their time with her because they have gotten into partying and my girlfriend wants nothing to do with that. She hates school, and feels like a disappointment to her parents. As far as I know she has no medical issues, other than a previous torn ACL. All she has told me about her last relationship is that they rarely ever hungout outside of school during the month that they went out, therefore the guy was very affectionate at school and she didn't like that. He was always trying to suck her face in between classes and she didn't like that. And by the end of their first week together her told her that he loved her, which would probably make most girls uncomfortable. But when she finally spoke up to him saying that she didn't want to show so much PDA with him, she said he got really mad and almost hit her, and things ended shortly after that, and that's all I know

Quote:

Originally Posted by bulldogg5

This is my first real relationship so I dont have any experience of arousing females other than what i am doing now. Yes some of my knowledge is through pornography and other internet sources, but most of my knowledge is from closes friends with more expertise on the subject of arousing women. The try to give me advise of what might work well based of their experiences. Im well aware that everyone is different and the different things arouse people, and i guess im still trying to find those go-to actions that will get her in the mood. My idea of romance is to treat my girlfriend like a queen, give her a nice massage, dim the lights wherever we are, and act a bit more flirtatious around her. A typical date for us is me picking her up from her house, usually hanging out there for a bit by just causally watching TV, playing with her pets or cuddling together and taking a nap. Once we leave her house we usually try to have some sort of activity planned for the day. For example, we've gone to many movies, baseball games, hiking, aquarium, museums, and just last weekend we went apple picking. And somewhere in the mix we usually get dinner somewhere. If we dont have an activity planned, then we usually go hangout at each others house, usually hers. And yes we do cuddle and hold each other quite often. And yes she is a very stressed out person, almost all of her girl friends and limited their time with her because they have gotten into partying and my gf wants nothing to do with that. She hates school, and feels like a disappointment to her parents. As far as i know she has no medical issues, other than a previous torn ACL. All she has told me about her last relationship is that they rarely ever hungout outside of school during the month that they went out, therefore the guy was very affectionate at school and she didnt like that. He was always trying to suck her face in between classes and she didnt like that. And by the end of their first week together her told her that he loved her, which would probably make most girls uncomfortable. But when she finally spoke up to him saying that she didnt wanna show so much PDA with him, she said he got really mad and almost hit her, and things ended shortly after that, and thats all I know

If you are both deciding, even if it is taking turns, on where or what to do when you are together, you are doing great. It is a good mix of activities.

I think she may be even less experienced than you are. But I think there may be some hope for the relationship and if not for you to learn more for your next relationship.

First, stop trying to get in her pants. I think you are adding pressure and she may feel like she is letting you down. For her it may be another check mark in the 'what I should feel guilty about' column.

At 18 is she still in high school and living with her parents? Do you have your own place or do you live with family or roommates? Is most of your alone time spent in a place where someone might come in or over-hear you? Privacy may be a factor in her relaxing enough to even think about feeling sexy.

Being stressed is also going to limit or kill any libido she has. Does she have any ways to release stress and just feel good? To enjoy the moment. To let her thoughts calm down and the distractions of every day life fade into the background? This isn't something you can do for her, but you can encourage her to make time for herself.

The subject of masturbation and relaxing enough to feel sexy and allowing her libido to show itself may not be one she feels comfortable having with you. If you think it might help her, show her AMHD (this site). We will give her the most appropriate advice for her which admittedly may not be what you want to hear. So do not expect us to try to convince her to do more to sexually please you.

Now, about the female mind and body and the subject of arousal. The reason I asked about porn/erotica is because it is a great tool for relaxing and finding things that might interest you or are total turn-offs. However, it tends to go straight to the action because males are generally action and visually oriented. Females are more emotionally and mentally stimulated.

For many of us, arousal begins long before we think about our clothes coming off. Physical stimulation can feel good, but if our minds aren't in the mood then it can be irritating instead of arousing. Cuddling and massages can help as long as it doesn't feel like sex is expected. Hand-holding, light touches, talking about fantasy worlds, music, movies, etc. can help us let go of the daily grind. A woman's most important erogenous zone is her brain. Unfortunately a lot people including young females don't understand or know and think that touching certain areas is supposed to act like a light switch. Build up to sexual contact.

Try talking to her about what she finds sexy and arousing instead of acts, actions, and body parts. It might help ease some of your issues.

However, I do have to ask if you might be better friends than you are a romantic couple?