I found my husband masterbating after we had sex, he said it's because he was bored. He knows how I feel about porn! If you have to look at it you should have my permission, not do it behind my back... especially after sex!! If you are in a relationship YOU HAVE NO RIGHT to look at anyone else, naked or otherwise, without their permission! In our society today it is okay to please yourself without any regard for others... Why is it that I am the one who is suppost to compromise.. Let him look at porn... all the girls who are perfect in comparison... Masterbate while looking at them, you are obviously thinking about having sex with them... How do I know that he isn't thinking about those girls while he's with me? This has been going on for near 10 years, and he knew I hated porn before that... He told me he doesn't masterbate, stupid me!! What should I do know? I am so upset, I don't know what to do... I am so sick of the world being so wrapped up in sex, like it is everything... In a relationship sex is a wonderful perk, but not something just for yourself. In a relationship you give and take, why do I always give... and just accept that's the way it is... Being a woman means you give everything to your husband and your kids, getting nothing in return. I am just suppost to keep giving in because that's the way it is.. I really feel that all male think that women are here just to sick there **** in... the way we get paid, we always have to take the day off when kids are sick, I can go on and on... There are so many times that I have been hit on; like I am suppost to bend over and take it in the @$$... those guys don't care that I'm married either... But tell me this, why would I want their ****, obviously they would sleep with anyone or anything, and have no regards for what marriage stands for. I got married and committed myself to my husband... not just until I got horny, or wanted something that they couldn't provide... Does anyone know what it's like to have been sexually abuse several times as a child by different people and then still be expected to want to have sex everyday! Our sex life is in no way bad! After the birth of our fourth child this last year, it got really exciting multually, and he supposably wasn't looking at porn again (fourth or fifth time). As far as I knew he wasn't looking at porn, or masterbating ever. I wake up to nurse our 9 month old and pee, and there he is looking at pictures kneeling on the floor going at it! We just had awsome sex a couple of hours earlier... I have never walked in on anyone going at it before, especially my husband... I am still in shock now! I HAVE A RIGHT to feel this upset! How do I make him understand? I can't keep living like this! We've talked about this over and over again, how it makes me feel and why... His response is that there is nothing wrong with it, and he does it because he's bored, and doesn't want to wake me up... To men porn is normal... I agree, now a days IT IS! It is for single people, not a relationship! You can incorporate it into your relationship mutually! There is a reason why they do it behind our back! They don't want you to know! In a relationship you can't hide anything or that relationship is doomed, especially when it comes to sex... I am so afraid that he will leave me one day, and looking at porn behind my back is the start! Two days ago he could do little wrong, not that I put him on a pedistal or anything, but there's a reason I married him, I feel that he's the one man in the world, and anyone who thinks they can change that needs to jump off a cliff. Help me, someone please. How do I make him understand?

WHOA.

First, the wall of text isn't going to get you far.

Second, YOU DO NOT OWN HIM. You are married, not slaves to each other.

Third, it's HIS body. He can do what he likes with it. If you don't like it, YOUR option is to leave.

Fourth, men don't actually generally think about having sex with the women in porn. Men are VISUAL. It doesn't matter if she's perfect or not--men still like looking at naked women. It's how they're wired.

Fifth, your issues have to do with your sexual abuse. You need counseling about that, because the rest of the world accepts that masturbation is okay, and that sex every day is a nice perk--not a chore.

Sixth, you have a right to be upset about him LYING to you. NOT about the fact that he touches himself. Again, YOU DO NOT OWN HIM.

Seventh--you NEED COUNSELING. If you think he's going to leave you over porn, you might be right. But it's not because of the women in porn, or that you don't measure up. It's because you think you can CONTROL every aspect of his life and thoughts.

You don't make him understand. You make YOU understand that this is YOUR problem, not HIS.

GET COUNSELING.

PS--I'm a woman.

I am sorry that you were abused as a child. I can't even imagine how or what that is like...

I can see that you are a very angry person, with all due respect. That may have stemmed from the abuse as a child.

Have you been to counseling for that? I would consider it if you haven't already.

It seems as if you have more anger about men in general then you do about your Husband watching porn.

How old are the two of you?

How long have you been married?

Other then the porn, how is the relationship?

As a woman, I don't mind watching porn with my partner together or by myself. I also don't mind my partner watching it alone.

I read steamy books and watch steamy movies and sometimes masturbate after. It doesn't mean that I don't care about my partner or that I am thinking of someone else during the deed.

I strongly believe that there is more to this then just him watching porn.

Liberty, I know you are going to be upset by many of the answers you are given so I am going to caution you to read the rules on using the comments/rating feature: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forum-...nes-24951.html . Also, the Answer box at the bottom of the page will give you more room to respond, if you do.

You need to look into counseling for yourself and your marriage. You seem to harboring a large amount of anger if your post is anything to go by. Please, look into letting it go and dealing with those feelings.

You have unrealistic views on where your rights begin and end and where your husband's do.

I understand it was a shock to 'catch' your husband, but it is his body and he is not neglecting you and your physical needs.

I am female and have absolutely no problem with my husband masturbating or looking at porn with or without me. It is just another medium for entertainment. I look at porn without him. He doesn't care because we trust each other and know that ultimately we get off on each other. The porn just gives ideas.

You seem to need to work on the trust. Would he lie or feel the need to if you were more understanding? Be open with each other and work together. Don't try to be his owner and tell him what is allowed unless that is one of your 'kinks'.

No, I don't own him! He can masterbate if he wants, just don't hide it, and especially after sex. I don't control him at all, but when it comes to sex it is us as one, together! I have masterbated, and he knows that.

If he knows how you are going to react, of COURSE he is going to hide it.

I'd hide it too, frankly, rather than deal with the fallout of your reaction to it.

But he knows how I feel about it, he wants to do it we can do it together! It's called self control! NO one seems to have it any more... Our relationship other than this is wonderful. We have four beautiful children, and big plans for the future!

The problem is, he lied! He didn't watch porn because he knew how I felt about it, and he hasn't masterbated since he first tried it!
We had sex a couple of hours earlier and it was really good, and he said it was, why would he need to go again!

I guess I am just missing the point. What's the difference if you do it with him or if he does it alone?

Have you ever masturbated alone?

Self control people, you can't just do what you want when you want, especially when other people could get hurt!
Sexual abuse is proof that people have no self control.

He can do it alone and get caught, or we could do it together... Or maybe he just needs to get off all the time! Everyday wasn't enough for him...

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Originally Posted by liberty4497

Self control people, you can't just do what you want when you want, especially when other people could get hurt!
Sexual abuse is proof that people have no self control.

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Okay...

Sexual abuse and your Husband masturbating are two completely different things. You can't even compare the two.

If this man of yours is a great Father, good Husband, provider,hard worker, and all around a decent guy, then cut the guy some slack.

Thank you! I am just so shaken, I want him to understand and give a little bit on this too!

You are lumping your husband into the group of people who hurt you. That isn't fair to him.

You want him to listen to you and obey your rules on masturbation, but do you listen to him and respect his opinions and needs?

You need help. There is more anger in your original post than just at your husband and his porn and masturbation. They seem to be what you are currently directing that anger at. Deal with it before it consumes you.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

You are lumping your husband into the group of people who hurt you. That isn't fair to him.

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I agree. It sounds like this: Transference - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

He can control what he looks at on the internet, RIGHT?

Maybe so, but he hasn't even tried to compromise, which is all I am looking for! If he wants to masterbate because he can't get enough then we should address that, but he just rolls his eyes at me, he won't even talk about why!

Let's put it this way:

Do you like listening to classical music? Or maybe shopping? How about reading a good romance novel or watching a romantic comedy?

Are you willing to GIVE THAT UP, forever and ever, because your husband doesn't like it? Or are you willing to ONLY read a novel or go shopping or whatever if HE IS THERE TOO?

You are UNREALISTIC.

And you honestly do not understand that watching porn is NOT about not having a satisfying sex life.

Are your sexual needs neglected? No? Then what's the problem?

The PROBLEM is that it's not about SELF control--it's about YOUR control.

Your forgetting that this hurts me way more than the sexual abuse ever did! He is my whole world, I bend over backwards for him, and let him do what he wants, children allowing...

You never answered my question. Do you or have you ever masturbated alone?

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Does anyone know what it's like to have been sexually abuse several times as a child by different people and then still be expected to want to have sex everyday!

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This is what you truly need to deal with, all the anger left from the abuse. The idea of control is a huge one for you, and that also must be discussed. Please find a counselor/therapist to help you resolve these issues. And yes, I'm a professional counselor who has carefully and thoughtfully read this thread several times before posting.

If what I am doing is hurting someone I would own up to it, compromise, and if nothing else, Yes I would give it up! Just like being married, no others should exist, "forsaking all other". I found my mate in life there are no others!

As far as control, there is no control! I want him to be honest, 10 years I thought he never masterbated, and then I walk in on him! How would you feel!

I do masterbate, and he knew it long before we got together, he lied and told me he can't masterbate, he tried it and didn't like it! I don't look or think about people, I think romantically. If visual is needed, I'm in the other room!

The three things I will not tollerate:
Stealing, cheating and lying
He lied!
What a way to find out
I want to know a way I can get him to compromise, and not lie to me! That's it...
Anyone have a suggestion?

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Comment on Synnen's post

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If what I am doing is hurting someone I would own up to it, compromise, and if nothing else, Yes I would give it up! Just like being married, no others should exist, "forsaking all other". I found my mate in life there are no others!

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Married does NOT equal dead.

Forsaking all others does not mean 'never looking at anybody else again so long as you live'.

If you think it does, please tell me that there's no man in the world sexier than your husband--so I can call you a liar. I've been married 10 years, and with my husband for 15, and I sure as HECK notice a good looking man.

And how is he hurting you? No--don't lash out at that, really THINK about it. He satisfies your sexual needs. He is a good husband and father. He has never cheated--and no, porn is not cheating.

You have anger and control issues stemming from your sexual abuse--that I doubt you ever got counseling for.

And how would I feel? Well, I'd be upset that he lied, of course. But I'd also not hit the roof and lump him in with the people that abused me when I was younger, either, just because he had his penis in his hand. HOW is he hurting you?

Of course, I've accepted that my husband is a person that has things he likes that I don't enjoy as much--one of which is porn. I don't have a problem with porn, but it doesn't do anything for me. But the point is that I'm not going to stop him as long as I'm satisfied--why should I? Would you rather have him "pester" you for sex "every day"

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Does anyone know what it's like to have been sexually abuse several times as a child by different people and then still be expected to want to have sex everyday!

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So... you expect to NOT have sex every day, but expect him to abstain, because of your issues. So... what's wrong with him taking things into his own hands, so to speak?

YOU NEED COUNSELING. I cannot emphasize that enough---and you haven't even ADDRESSED that in this thread, even though SEVERAL people have pointed that out to you.

You have not talked about anything so far except how "horrible" your husband is for doing this.

Honey, I'm not going to agree with you. Period. Your husband has EVERY right to touch himself any time he wants to. He doesn't HAVE to exert self-control--it's his own body! What you REALLY want is him to submit to YOUR control and not watch porn and not masturbate and not have ANY sexuality outside of YOU.

That is not realistic.

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Originally Posted by liberty4497

The three things i will not tollerate:
Stealing, cheating and lying
He lied!
What a way to find out
i want to know a way i can get him to compromise, and not lie to me! That's it....
Anyone have a suggestion?

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Sure! You admit that it's okay to masturbate, as long as he admits that he DOES masturbate.

And YOU don't try to tell him when and where to masturbate. You just agree that it's his body, and he can do what he wants. He then believes that you are a reasonable adult and doesn't hide it from you---but doesn't have to do it in front of you, either.

Okay... I was really upset and vented a little too well! BUT...
Do you think the pictures we made together could take the internets place, if we kept updating them? Or is it just the perfect no strechmark, girls you don't know thing? I am more than willing to compromise, but I will not continue to let him do this behind my back, now I know, and am starting to accept the fact of the situation, so that's a start... I need to understand why, how can I get him to tell me.

You're right, but I hate lying!

He lies because he sees how you react to it... like this, you get upset confused and hurt, I don't doubt you would want to yell your head off at the guy because of it. So in order for him not to lie to you about it I guess sit with him and talk this over, tell him you know it's his right to do what he pleases to his body your not in the right to have that control over it, but tell him how much it upsets you when this is going on and to find a way to talk about it so if you ever ask if he has he won't mind saying yes.

I actually had this conversation with my boyfriend recently, after half a year of him not lying when I asked I finally asked him TO lie to me when I asked (which I stopped asking) and to hide it better. I don't care if he does if I don't have to hear about it ever, and that our relations stay just like before. If I hear him say it to me, or walk in on it I can't really handle it. That is my own insecurity though mostly attacking me
In my opinion I HATE hearing my guy say yes when I ask.
Maybe it might help you if he just admits it, and you guys talk about it and you say it's okay because it is.
Maybe if he only does it when he's alone in the house? As your compromise, it makes you feel better because there is no way you would walking on him then? Sorry just putting ideas out there haha

You know I just read something interesting on men when they masturbate and become addicted to it, the pathways in their brains change to a point where their original mate is now not attractive as they used to be and all they do is search for more porn... Freaked me out because I was afraid my boyfriend was going down that road too. These men got to a point where they were not even happy looking at the porn or searching for it but they did because they were wired for it now, the solution was for them to not look at it anymore at all... This isn't about masturbating but strictly about porn and how it changes our minds and how it affects people when they become addicted to it.

Anyway.. random tidbit, I hope things go well for you. This talk with your husband is really important, I don't know what kind of compromise you want from him but I hope he listens to you when you tell him how much this all really upsets you. If he's a caring guy he would approach this with an open mind and listen to you, not necessarily stop masturbating but at least being truthful to you... Goodluck!

Why do you think its your inalienable right to walk all over someone else's rights in their own space and lives?

Seriously... I did see your last post but remember, YOUR personal space ends where anothers begins... and its might be something YOU enjoy that someone else might take exception to. Perspective that the world doesn't revolve around any one individual helps keep the focus here.

Remember... guys are visual... they like seeing naked women. Many of them... with that said... we can be and most cases ARE happy to be otherwise monogomous with a single woman, which is totally separate.

You can't dictate what he does on his own time any more than he has a right to dictate everything you can and can't do in yours. You are both adults, not children.

Put into perspective... looking at something is far... far different than doing it.

Are you willing to give up reading any women's books... or watching any movies or TV shows with actors you might find attractive?

Exactly how would that be any different?

Personally, I would have walked out on any woman who was that insecure, and overbearing. But I didn't marry a woman like that... I have been married 19 years now... wife knows I look and knows looking isn't chasing... she knows what I like, and in fact points them out to me if I miss them. Because she knows men look, she knows looking doesn't equal chasing... or catching. And my wife has no issue with me looking at porn when I feel like it... or how much I might feel like watching.

Conversely I don't dominate her life with what she can do or who she can talk to... because we both know we didn't marry each other for the tax benefits (thats a joke if it wasn't clear).

Incidentally... most of us don't care if you have some stretch marks... or a few wrinkles, or the boobs aren't as perky as they were when you weere 18.

MILF porn wouldn't be so popular if that's the case we only oogle after perfect models. MILF = Mothers I'd like to * (Its the F word, figure it out).

Most of us prefer real to silicone... perfection doesn't exist... be happy with being the best that you can be. He wouldn't still be with you if he didn't see something else in you beyond your looks.

Have you read your original post in this thread? If not, please do. If you have, please read it again as though you were a stranger and someone else posted it.

I think you are angry and scared. I think there is a whole undercurrent to your thoughts that you are either unaware of or deliberately ignoring.

IF this were just about your husband then what other men say and do wouldn't be mentioned. If you trusted your husband as much as you say you love him, then you wouldn't have written this:

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I am so afraid that he will leave me one day, and looking at porn behind my back is the start!

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You have several points in your post that show the anger toward men in general and your husband in particular. You mention staying home with sick children. What does that have to do with porn or where men put their penises. You talk about what you do for him as though you make ALL the sacrifices (the way you state things does not sound like working out a compromise) and expect him to make this one for you. That isn't a healthy outlook.

Self-control is also about controlling your own emotions and thoughts. Keeping control and understanding where the anger really stems from and knowing that you need help that you haven't gotten.

I don't know how old your children are, but I think you need to gain control over your own thoughts before you inadvertently teach them lessons about relationships and how they work that you don't mean to.

I don't know what he originally said about masturbation. I don't know if he said it because on some level he knew you were uncomfortable. I don't know if he believed it at the time, but has changed over the years. I do think that BOTH of you need to be open and honest about what is going on now. I think you need to understand that just because he isn't masturbating in front of you or waking you up to say 'mother, may I', it doesn't mean that he doesn't love and care about you or wants someone else.

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Originally Posted by liberty4497

now i know, and am starting to accept the fact of the situation, so that's a start... i need to understand why, how can i get him to tell me.

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I believe that you should stop making him feel ashamed about masturbating to porn. That would be a nice start.

Perhaps you should both sit down and you explain that you felt as if he lied to you and that you now understand that this is what he does, and that it is OK.

Make sure you stick to what you are saying to him. So that in the future, if you do "catch" him playing with himself, you don't hold it against him.

Liberty, I'm going to be honest here. I really believe that you may have blown things out of proportion. Your Husband does sound like an upstanding person and he is satisfying your needs in the bedroom. Watching porn is not wrong and masturbating is not either.

Again, he didn't cheat on you.

I think you should worry less about his masturbation and concentrate more on your past, with speaking to a counselor. You do have anger issues that is part of what has happened to you. Sorry.

I wish you the best of luck.

Thank you so much! I need him to open up, but how?

As a child I was physically, sexually and emotionally abused.

I'm not entirely comfortable about porn. Not because I feel it is competition but because I worry as to whether any of the participants are being exploited. I know there is some possibility they might be but I also acknowledge that the child within me who was exploited latches on to the idea.

This is MY problem and I own it. It doesn't give me the right to veto my husband's enjoyment of porn. It doesn't give me the right to monitor when he masturbates any more than he has the right to monitor when I do.

Nor does it give me a right to tarnish the whole male population with the same brush as my abusers. I know some lovely men and I know some men who are idiots. The same goes for women. If a man makes sexual advances I am quite capable of politely declining. I am not a slave to my husband and children.

I can feel this way because I owned my own pain and once you do that its power diminishes.

You are trying to control your husband as a way of keeping your pain and anger at bay. Please get help to confront those demons. When the pain loses its power over you the need to control will lessen.

The only valid complaint I can see against your husband is that he lied. Whether he did this to avoid hurting you or avoid arguments, or for some other reason I don't know. However, I do know the more controlling you act the more he is likely to feel backed into a corner and dishonesty can be one consequence of that.

Your post screams out that the past is still haunting you. Please get that counselling to be able to deal with this. If need be you and your husband can also go to counselling later to iron out any remaining difficulties. But you have to start with you. You are seeing your husband and all men through the eyes of a hurting victim. You CAN change this.

The only response I get from males is sexual, and all I am doing is minding my own business! It is nice when someone open's the door for you, but ooggling (not looking) is wrong! Enjoy the view, just don't undress it with your mind!

To liberty: Did the abuse involve porn? You don't have to respond, but think about it. Were you forced to look at it or did your abuser look at it or were you the object of it?

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Enjoy the view, just don't undress it with your mind!

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Part of "enjoying the view" IS undressing it in one's mind!

Wow!

When I look at a photo of Michael Buble wearing a grey suit, I'm not imagining him wearing, instead, a navy blue suit.