Is it possible that a girl can use a guy for sex? My girlfriend has given head to many guys to get out of depression.. and says 'she used them'.. how is it possible? As I see it.. they used her.. is it possible?
|
Is it possible that a girl can use a guy for sex? My girlfriend has given head to many guys to get out of depression.. and says 'she used them'.. how is it possible? As I see it.. they used her.. is it possible?
How old are you?
I'm 22.. and my girlfriend is 22.. in her past she says.. she has used guys for sex.(oral sex). How's it possible? How can a girl use a guy when she gives the guy a blowjob?
Because she didn't care how they felt.
SHE was using THEM to get something out of it. Just because they liked it too doesn't mean she cared that they liked it--she was getting an emotional rush out of doing it, and she used them to get that emotional rush.
Hmmm.. well.. she says she was under depression once when she did it.. and another time she was lonely(mentally) and got drunk and needed some support and did it.. but I thought that the guys used her.. as she was in this bad mental state.. (she wasn't attracted to the guys or anything.. she just did it because she was in depression and needed gratification). The problem was.. both times she did it.. she was people she trusted..
Using a person isn't just a male trait. Women have desires and needs just the same as men and some of them will go out of their ways to satiate said desires without regards for the men.
As well I have found that some, maybe even many, people who claim to do something out of depression are actually doing it to get attention or for another reason. Depression, like ADHD and ADD, has become more of trendy diagnosis and excuse then actual disorders. I am not saying that there aren't depressed people, but rather that a lot of people say they're depressed but aren't.
I think this she is one of those people. I get the feeling that her excuses are just that excuses and not explanations. You should really talk to her about curbing this habit. I would really talk to her about this habit. It is dangerous and put you at risk.
I am not trying to scare you but it is something to be concerned about. Blowing someone because they're bored or depressed is a recipe for disaster.
Good luck.
Well.. she was depressed because her boyfrnd who she loved and anted to marry dumped her and told her no guy would marry her.n made her feel like a disease. So she says it was cz she needed instant gratification. But how does making out/blowing help?
Because even though her ex-boyfriend may not have wanted her, the guys she was giving blowjobs to DID want her.
Even if only for a short time, they made her feel sexy, attractive, and WANTED.
It is VERY possible... women use their bodies to get what they want every day... some actually feel if they sleep with a guy... that guy must love them... or care about them, or to get things. Ever hear the Term... Gold digger? Guys can be stupid... young guys especially so. Few can resist the "come and get it" invitation.Quote:
Originally Posted by Pboy87
I've seen it more times than I can even remember.
You seem to be working on the assumption that the act of performing oral sex is only for the gratification of the receiver. Motivation aside, it can be equally pleasurable for the one performing it. To make a crude comparison, when I suck a lolly I don't do it for the lollipop's benefit!
The fact that she was in a low mental state does make the guys behaviour equally questionable but doesn't alter the fact that she was taking what she felt she needed for her own purposes at the time.
I hope your girlfriend is in a better place now. If so, this is something that you can both consign to the past. She seems to have been honest about her behaviour and motivation so why not respect that and move on?
Well one of those guys is her fathers student.. 14yrs older to her.. and still hung on her.keeps texting her.and she replies to him every time. And the other was and still Is her best friend.she gave blows to such people who she meets daily.weird for me
Well she says.. the guys didn't know of her mental state that she was in depression or mentally lonely.. and still don't. So they must have just thought they got a chick to suck them out so easily.right? Huge ego boost for them.. to get such a hot girl.. but what was in it for her?
She is better now.. she was good even after the first guy.. but 8months later, on new years she was feeling lonely mentally.. and got drunk and then did the second guy.. her best friend.. its weird that he didn't think of stopping her and did it with her while she was in that drunk state.. She doesn't remember most of what happened except making out and stripping.. but nothing more after that.. and I don't think it must have ended there..
She is still very close to these guys.. and doesn't feel she was taken advantage of.. I mean.. she says she loves me.. but shares all emotional details and secrets and her cribbing and stuff with them as well.. and has even been physical with them.. how am I any different from those guys in her life then.. ;P.. She says she loves me.. but behaves the same with all of us.. just that she doesn't have sex with them anymore and with me whenever we meet.. (its a ling distance relationship and those guys are in her city,they meet up, go drinking, etc)..
I had told her.. that giving oral sex is a form of surrender.. ( was told this by many people including a supposedly spiritual person.. that its a surrender, an act done in love to pleasure the other, or an ego boost if the person is of the pleasure 'giving' nature.. or if the ego is completely dead.. ).. she surrendered herself to those guys when she gave them blowjobs..
She disagrees.. says.. a surrender is when a person orgasms.. because a person is most vulnerable when they orgasm and when you orgasm or reach your climax you expose that side of you to the other person and that is true surrender..
What do you guys think?
What's what in it for her is what she wanted...
After all, she was a willing partner and actually was the aggressor here. And yes women can and are the aggressor many times... its not always the guy.
Incidentally giving oral sex is no surrender... in fact its quite the contrary. At that point there is no more powerful position to be in for a woman... a simple clampdown of the jaw muscles and the guys tallywacker is history.
I think the problem here is your perspective... I think you have the hots for this girl and she hasn't reciprocated or doesn't know.
I think this thread needs to be merged with your other thread. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...fs-523095.html It is about the same issue-your girlfriend and her past even though you tried to make it seem more general.
If this is someone he thinks or believes is his girlfriend... he needs to take a look and what a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship really is... and more importantly what it is not.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
No no.. We love each other.. its just weird that what she does to me in her senses.. she has done to others under the influence.. and she didn't do so much with me in the first time whereas gave blows and licked other guys balls when drunk or sad.
Yeah.. this was more general.. because I wanted to know if this behaviour or thought process exists..
Sorry, I still stand by what I said... apparently YOU see more in this relationship then she does... or she wouldn't be doing what she does. And don't convince yourself otherwise. Women far more than men want exclusivity when they are in love with someone. You will find far more guys that can love someone but still sleep with others... women are simply not wired the same way men are.
If she is doing this... for any reason... then she doesn't think as highly of you as you do of her. I'm not questioning what you feel about her... I am questioning what you THINK she actually feels towards you.
And what I see is a guy that's well on the road to getting hurt really bad. I've seen this many times... I've also been where you ( similar relationship about 28 years ago) are before I finally wised up. Finally the last straw was when she slept with a guy I considered a friend... I walked out the door and never looked back. Never saw, or spoke to either one ever again.
I'm really not sure why you are hung up on this one particular part of the equation. To drill down on this issue, the act of oral sex can be almost anything those participating want to make it. For example I can kneel at my husband's feet and make it an act of supplication if I wish. I can pin him down and make it about me taking what I want if I prefer. Assuming he is happy with both scenarious of course. Or anything else that fits the mindset of the moment. The only difference is that within a loving relationship both participants are sharing that mindset and going along with it happily and from love. In the case of casual sex it is more a case of each participant taking what they want from the encounter. But providing it is consensual there is still an implicit acceptance. You keep focusing on the fact that your girlfriend was drunk on at least one of these occasions. What about the guy? Was he stone cold sober? If not, you could level the charge she was taking advantage of him. Either way, SHE doesn't feel that she was the one taken advantage of.
This however, is about the bigger picture. You two have different sexual values. Your partner is happy for you to sleep around even now but you aren't happy with what she did in the past. Although people do make open relationships work this seems a very strange balance. She clings onto relationships with people that she knows have unhealthy elements in them. She is not at an entirely stable place mentally. Whilst you yourself go over and over this one issue continually. None of this is healthy.
So stop fixating on this small part of it. I think you are trying, maybe subconsciously, to avoid seeing the whole picture.
Start asking yourself where you actually see this relationship going and whether you are happy with that.
what do you mean by the 'whole picture'? We do have different sexual values. For her,its just an act. Giving blowjobs to boost her ego maybe? She does it when she is depressed or lonely or drunk which I find very weird. No lust,attraction or liking to that person.. or doesn't realise who the person was until the next morning. And it sinks in what she did.. or who she did...
Today she tells me.. she asked her one night stand what all happened that night because she didn't remember.. he told her that she was just licking his thing a couple of times but then pushed him away and went unconscious.. So she says it wasn't technically a blowjob.. wonderful technical 'details'.. again..
I mean look at the whole picture of who she is, who you are, and how that fits together. Where do you see the relationship going? Try and let go of these details that are haunting you.
Can you accept a future with someone who has different moral standards to you? Can you see yourself reaching acceptance on her past, because it surely isn't going to change. You have repeatedly asked her not to keep sharing this with you, but for whatever reason it appears to be important to her to do so. Can you accept that? Can you accept a sexual relationship with someone who values the sex in the relationship differently to you? Can you accept that she feels the need to remain in contact with these people? Does the fact that she sees what you do sexually as unimportant figure as a plus or a minus?
You keep talking about how you both are going to change but you cannot bank on that happening. Can you accept the relationship without that change? If not, just how long are you willing to wait to see if these changes ensue?
And you believe this... Blowjobs are an even more intimate sexual act than straight intercourse.Quote:
Originally Posted by Pboy87
Do you want her giving head to your buddies in the future... if its "just and act" . She clearly has trouble with the truth... besides the numerous other issues she has. She's playing you for a fool. I hope you can see this. I think you can... but are have trouble coming to terms with what it actually means to you. And by that I mean... she's playing you for a sucker and that's going to hurt bigtime.
Blowjobs are more intimate?oO really?
Well she confessed to me that she gave the guy a 'real good deal'.. because she was dumped by her guy, professionally backstabbed and he was the only one who was by her side. He was her rebound after the ex and he was the only guy who made her feel good about herself and she wanted to make him feel elated and happy and continue making her feel good about herself and boosting her ego.. and also for the fact that she thought that if she had sex with another guy she would get over her ex.. but that didn't happen and she dumped this guy...
One new years night. Her ex and the backstabber messaged her.. and she got depressd and started drinking like crazy and smoking and hookah and apparently started crying.. the guy who was her best friend.. had also had a breakup as he had found out that his girlfriend was cheating on him with 4 other guys.. and was drinking and smoking as well.. well.. he went and hugged her to calm her down.. and she started kissing him and then one thing lead to another.. she did it this time hoping that since last time she did it.. the guy was happy and it boost the guy ego and he praised her more this would happen again this time.. but apparently she madeout with him.. and just licked him a couple of times and pushed him away and passed out.. The guy felt very guilty the next morning and told her that it would be an insult to their friendship.. and that they should date.. but.. she refused as just because you makeout or have sex doesn't mean that you are fit to be in a relationship as you don't fit the other aspects of a relationship and that she can just see him as a good friend..
She says she really loves me a lot and that's why has told me all these details and has apparently reduced contact with those guys..
Okay, I've stayed out of a lot of this so far... but the chat speak has GOT to stop.
I know you're trying to get details down and type your thoughts quickly, but please use the ENTIRE word ("be" instead of "b") or use the correct word, not the phonetic ("for" not "4").
I will otherwise assume that you are not an adult.
Chat speak is discouraged throughout AMHD, but strictly forbidden on the Adult Sexuality boards.
And to your questions: I think you and your girlfriend have very different values, and that you will never be on the same page as to how those values sync up.
Ohhh.. I'm so sorry about that..
Your Girlfiend was an active and willing partner in this all. You have to accept that. Everyone else can see it already. Including the guys she is taking care of.
And yes... ORAL IS about the most intimate form of sex there is. I would rate normal vaginal sex as #3 on the list... with anal ahead of it at #2... #4 would be masturbating someone else.
But then if its just an act... as an example... Would YOU give your homey one if he needed one when his girl was out of town, and let him bust off there? After all its just an act... with no real meaning. Begin to see my point yet?
I assume you are neither gay nor bi... so imagine the following situation.
If you HAD to do a guy like if they had a gun to your head and you had a choice of one of the following... what would YOU preffer to do least... oral? Bend over and let him park in the garage or use your hand... You as a man don't have an option #4.
Now tell me Oral isn't a more intimate form of sex.
You keep going over the same ground with a few little extra details that really don't change anything. What is it that you want us to tell you? That your girlfreind was an innocent victim here and is really snow white so that's OK then?
You know she has had problems with depression and self esteem. You know she has used sex with other men as a means of boosting her ego. You know that she doesn't see sex as a big deal anyway. You either except all this or you don't.
Added to which you have to ask yourself where she is at now. What happens next time she is feeling low if you aren't there to boost her ego? You know she has lied to you to an extent, can you rely on her honesty now?
You either accept all that she is and love her anyway or you let her go. Looking for excuses isn't accepting who she really is.
Hmmmm... I'm not sure about your point..
But I'm beginning to see.. as a favour to some guy for helping her out of emotional turmoil its just an act.. but in love it is something special.. this is what I'm beginning to feel..
She is different now.. much clear in thought.
It just was weird that she gave those guys oral sex as a favor for getting her out of depression. They made her feel wanted and loved again so she made them feel like the most important person by this.
Comment on smoothy's post
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
hmmmm... i m not sure about your point..
but im beginning to see .. as a favour to some guy for helping her out of emotional turmoil its just an act.. but in love it is something special.. this is what im begining to feel..
No actually that wasn't what I was trying to say. I was trying to explain how oral was far from a minor insignificant act... and how it really was a far more intimate act. Think about what I wrote again... she gave a lame excuse how oral is really nothing... you believed her, so again... assuming you are a straight man, with no gay or bisexual tendencies... would YOU think giving a guy oral was nothing... vs the other options. Also assuming YOU had to do it to another guy... one of the possible options. I don't know many who would say "....oh, this one is essentually nothing , I'd dio that one..." most would pick that one dead last... being the most significant act one could do.
Just trying to express the idea that most people don't consider oral to be nothing... Od course a certain ex-president tried that excuse too... but if it wasn't sex... and was really nothing, then your girlfriend or wife would have no problems with you running around getting hummers from any number of women. After all, if it really wasn't anything they wouldn't care, right?
In one way yeah, everything anyone does is an act... irregardless of intent. But there are some things you just don't do except for someone very special to you. Sex acts, particularly oral are one of those.
Smoothy, I've got to disagree with you a bit here.
To women, Oral is probably 3rd or 4th on your list. Vaginal sex is the most intimate, followed by anal, followed by RECEIVING oral sex, followed by giving oral sex.
Oral sex gives you more power over a guy and leaves you a LOT less vulnerable to him than the other three. You can get PREGNANT from vaginal sex--that's waaaaaaaay more intimate than just getting some spunk down your throat.
And while it's not "nothing"---If I had to choose my guy getting hummers from other women or having vaginal or anal sex with them, or GIVING them oral sex---you betcherass that I'd rather have the hummers.
I really don't think guys understand how INVASIVE vaginal or anal sex is---and how much control you can lose to a guy intent on hurting you with those acts. At least with a BJ, you've got teeth...
Got to spread the rep but I would tend to agree with your analysis on this one Synnen. Assuming I understand hummers correctly - not heard that term before.
Hummer = BJ = Head = OralQuote:
Originally Posted by QLP
All the women I knew up to and including my wife thought otherwise... but ovbiously that was a small cross section of the female population... not that I didn't and still don't want to sample a far larger cross section. Hey , I'm a guy... I'd by lying if I said otherwise. But wanting and doing are two different things. I'm married... not dead.
I totally agree with Synnen. Spoke to a few girls.. while they consider blowjob an act given for making the male feel the most important to them.. it is also the only act in which they have complete control over the other and are not vulnerable or surrendering in any way..
My girlfriend came to meet me today, all the way from her city just for a few hours so that we could get over our fight.. and well.. we spoke about it.. and I'm very glad to know that whatever she did.. was completely intended.. She wasn't 'used' in anyway. She gave the guy a blow.. intentionally.. to make him feel good.. as he was the one that picked her up from the dump that her ex put her in..
On new years.. she was drunk and with her best friend.. she went down on him.. licked him a few times.. but pushed him away and went off and dozed off leaving him like that..
While she has had vaginal sex with people she was in relationships with.. including me.. she claims only I have eaten her out properly... she had never orgasmed in her life before me.. and would like to experiment anal and a threesome(two girls) with me in the future.. ( all this was told to me long ago)..
I am getting back with her.. to focus on the future than the past.. and both of us will try not to mention our past love and ex life to each other anymore (as we both know it now)and move ahead for a meaningful relationship.
This will speak volumes on how she really views it...
Let her catch you getting blowjobs from other women...
If its insignificant... then she should not get upset about it.
Well.. actually.. she knows of my past as well.. and I have done more than getting blows..
My only worry was that I thought she was used.. that's why the question.. and that she is still friends with all.. and I prefer cutting contact.
And it isn't insignificant.. it is important.. to her... but it is something in which she knows she will pleasure a man.. and has control over the man.. though.. uhhhh.. I don't kind of like her blowjobs lol.. she uses teeth... n thinks its pleasurable.
Ahhh, then teach her how you like it... some guys like a little teeth... Just like You I am am not one of them. I have no doubts is not instinctive. And something she has to learn, but she WILL have her own style.
Also just like learning what she likes... listen and communicate. You will never just GUESS what she likes best... all women are different. You can waste years figuring it out the hard way... or get her talking and help you a LOT faster.
But I still don't believe in giving her a pass for giving head to the entire football team... (figuratively, not that she has or even would). IF you really had a close relationship, then she wouldn't have done it... under any circumstances with anyone else. Its NOT the same as giving a high five.
And you know what... think about this... picture yourself married... two kids in the next room... she gets depressed about (fill in the blank)... do you want her doing this with the next willing make that crosses her path when you aren't there?
For me that would kill any chance I would have to actually trust her, and that's an important factor if you want to view someone as a prospective future spouse.
But realistically... you aren't engaged... she doesn't have a ring. She can with a clear concience bang anyone she wants, as can you if you wanted to.
Ultimately YOU are the one that has to live with this. None of us do. If it bothers you a little... then its sure to grow over time. Being you asked us here... I think it might bother you. It certainly would me if I was in your shoes.
That's just my opinion from my own perspective... it's certainly not the only valid viewpoint.
Smoothy, the oral sex with the other men happened BEFORE he met her. It was part of her PAST not their PRESENT.
They have been dating for five months. The last time she had an encounter before him was on New Year's Eve/Day months before getting with Pboy. Part of his issue is that she has remained friends with her EXes, not that she has been unfaithful to him in any way.
Well you seem to have tried hard and maybe reached some degree of acceptance and want to leave the past behnind and move on. I hope you two can reach some agreement on how things will be from here on in and wish you both well.Quote:
Originally Posted by Pboy87
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:09 AM. |