Ask Me Help Desk - Lack of lust

Lack of lust

Me and my girlfriend are both 23, and I can't get her to make love... it happens like once every 3 weeks, and most the time it is that time when she wants it... not bothered by it but think its odd. Anytime I talk to her about it she tells me that's all I care about even when I tell her it makes me feel unatractive. Or like she doesn't feel the same anymore, she still gets mad. If I try to get her in the mood she complains how I always want it, or how tired she is, mind you she doesn't work and sleeps all day. She doesn't pay much attention to me since I got this laptop and I can't get her to spend quality time with me, by quality time she thinks I mean sex, when all I want is to cuddle up and spend time watching TV. Up all night sleep all day kind of chick. We have lived together most of the 2 years, and I pay all the bills. Sometimes I feel like a convieniance. Am I wrong in this thinking? We used to have a great sex life, and I know it didn't run out that fast. And I always please her. Any ideas? I can't take much more, sex is important and I can't stand being this misserable.

Why doesn't she have a job? Does she care for the house and do the cooking and water the plants and bake cookies and wash the clothes?

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she doesn't pay much attention to me since I got this laptop

What does this mean?

And I also should mention when we do have sex it is mostly after I get her watching porn, feels like that is what turns her on.

No we eat out a lot cause she rarely cooks, doesn't clean often, and doesn't really look for a job but gets mad when I mention it

WHY doesn't she have a job? She's 23. Is she depressed about something?

No, we play pool in most our spare time she seems content, but she doesn't talk about what is bothering her kind of clams up. Jobs are hard to get, but she isn't really trying either, I even told her if she couldn't get a job go to school, just seems like she has no drive

What if you moved out?

She would have to move back in with her dad, well it would be me kicking her out

Can you give her an ultimatum -- work or school or she's out?

Yea, but she would probably leave, and I don't want to lose her.

1. She won't make love.
2. She won't do housework or cooking.
3. She won't go to school.
4. She doesn't pay attention to you.
5. She doesn't help with the bills.
6. She won't cuddle.
7. She doesn't spend quality time with you.
8. She is a user of all your resources.
9. She's not open to helpful suggestions.

Why do you love her and want her around?

Lol I have pondered that question a lot, and sometimes the only thing I can think of is cause I love her. 2 years, longest relationship I have ever had, not a longterm guy, but with her it's different. I don't know why I deal with her ****, I can't explain it, it has to be love to deal with something like that right? It drives me crazy, but I don't want to lose her. It's a catch 22. Conundrum if you will

Okay, so what will work to change her? What if you go to a counselor for half a dozen sessions about this very problem, and ask the counselor to invite your girlfriend to a couple? Meanwhile, if your girlfriend wonders where you're going in the evening, just tell her to a counselor but don't tell her why.

I think I'm going to have to end it. At least give her the choice to do something or go cause I don't need it. I love her but love isn't enough sometime. Your right. And now that I see it from outside perspective, not just in my head it is worse then I thought, sex is just the tip of the ice berg, thanks.

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Originally Posted by chnkytim42

i think i'm gonna have to end it. atleast give her the choice to do something or go cause i don't need it. i love her but love isn't enough sometime. your right. and now that i see it from outside perspective, not just in my head it is worse then i thought, sex is just the tip of the ice berg, thanx.

Unfortunately, she is forcing you to parent her. At this point, it's tough love -- shape up or get out. Certainly ask her how you can help. And I'm here if she needs help with a resume or job hunting. Others here will give her tips on other things (we know a lot of simple, tasty recipes!).

This is really for her as much as for you. At 23, this should not be how her life is going. If she's depressed, she needs to deal with that. If she's just a lazy bum, she needs to deal with that. People will not bail her out and support her for the next 50 years. Certainly somewhere in her brain she must hate herself and feel bad about all this. If she doesn't, she's not the girl for you.

Love is a wonderful thing, but when the initial phenome intensity wears off, what are you left with.

For most, it is compatablility. Give and take. Putting your partners' needs above your own. Sacrifice, helping out when you don't want to, sharing the load, doing your part in an equal relationship.

Making life richer and more satisfying than being alone. Talking and communicating needs and wants in mature, mutually respectful ways. Showing your partner that you love and support them, understand them, and aren't afraid to speak your mind, accept criticism, or be accountable. The ability to know when to back off, and when to challenge, and how to resolve conflicts instead of running away from them. Having faith that you are #1 in their world, and they are #1 in yours. Balance, being tuned in, and building on a foundation of mutual goals. Having hopes and dreams and someone there to support you reach them.

Sex is a bonus. Relationships are extremely hard work, because it requires both parties to be unselfish. Sex is the pepperoni on the pizza, the cherry on the sundae, the gravy on the mashed potatoes. It is a compliment, or condement if you will, on top of a creation that has been built with substance.

How do you add a second storey onto a building, when the first one is crumbling...

Think about what you are saying. Your question was, 'lack of lust', and how you are not fulfilled sexually. I believe you that you need the physical attention and the cuddling because it is a form of communication, but it is not the only way to communicate. At best you may find that you are temporarily in tune, and sharing something together, but, sex alone will not sustain you in a relationship, nor will it solve any problems.

I think you have to wake up and smell the coffee here. My opinion is that you are being used, and what you got in the beginning was merely a smokescreen for what her needs were (and turned out to be). But, you allowed it to happen, without knowing her well enough to know what kind of person she was.

If you choose to carry on this relationship as it is, you have nobody to blame but yourself. If you are capable of loving someone, really loving someone, then move your standards up a few bars, and find a more compatible woman to share your life with.

The bad part is when we first got together she had a job, that's how we met, and she always wanted to buy me things and I didn't like it I am a man and I want to do most the supporting. She cooked we always had fun together she cooks well. She supported her ex for 4 years, I wonder if I spoiled her somewhere down the line, is it my fault? She just changed. And I don't like it. Thanks for the profound knowledge, and I know sex is just the iceing on the cake, but it does add that feeling of one the bonding experience, it's kind of a zen feeling... kind of gay sounding I know, but truthful. Maybe I am just scared of being alone after 2 years of someone being there, there is a lot of soul searching for me to do. I do appreciate all the advice and insight

You'll let us know how things are going? You'll ask us for help if you need it? You're like our son now, you know.

You know Tim, sometimes people come here asking for advice, and really, all it is is a confirmation of what they already know. It's just hard to see what is sometimes right in front of you, because we, as human beings, have faith in those we love, and it is hard to see faults.

No different really than with children. You look at that sleeping angel with the peace and beauty of perfection and all that is good in the world, even though a half hour ago he painted the dog with purple paint.

One of the most difficult things I've ever had to face isn't so much those that I love, but why I love them. Because it is a relative, or significant other, or best friend, we overlook the faults, and things that don't sit right. But, at some point, the relationship itself becomes unbalanced, and what was giving in sharing, has turned into using and being used.

Where you started from is most likely vastly different than what is is now. We all put our best foot forward, and try harder when something is new. And that is not to say that anybody is a 'bad' person necessarily. But, while you are aware that your girlfriend was once a very different person, she is no longer the same person, therefore the relationship is no longer the same.

If there are no reasonable expectations that things could change, but are in fact, staying the same, or even getting worse, well, you have some hard decisions to make.

Minimally, I would expect her to have a full physical analysis to rule out any causal relationship between her behaviour and how it may relate to how she has changed. Failing any physical or mental health reasons, and you are left with a person who is simply indifferent and unwilling to change, at least you will be more confident in making changes yourself.

Do you want a couch potato or a girlfriend? THere are plenty of better fish in the sea.. to flog an old phrase.

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Originally Posted by chnkytim42

lol i have pondered that question alot, and sometimes the only thing i can think of is cause i love her. 2 years, longest relationship i have ever had, not a longterm guy, but with her it's different. i don't know why i deal with her ****, i can't explain it, it has to be love to deal with something like that right? it drives me crazy, but i don't want to lose her. it's a catch 22. conundrum if you will

Don't confuse love with being used to her being there...

I see NOTHING to love much less like. In fact I see NOTHING that a relationship much less a marriage can be build on here. You are better off putting your paycheck in a envelope and sending it to me, You will get the same thing plus your space... just kidding there.

You need to see things for what they are... and I hate to tell you... you aren't doing that right now.

Thank you for the lovely compliment Wondergirl. You made my day!

Hi OP so she's bone idle and spends all day in bed.
can I ask what her Mum is like,
I think you should tell her get up off your lazy behind and do something, or lets have sex every night and morning, I bet thatll move her, LOL

NO seriously OP she's taking you for a sucker, I hope you don't plan on Marrying her, I think you might need a JCB by then to get her off the sofa, I take it she can manage to get herself out of bed and dressed?
And of course she can use the remote to watch Jerry Springer?

It's a relationship you're in not a haulage company you really need to talk to her and say its time you put something into the relationship or Im off, you aren't going to lose anything of any value, all she does is waste oxygen all day. If she still doesn't do her share and also put into the bedroom dept then get another girl, Im sure someone would snap you up in a blinking, Hope you can resolve this or move on. She's a waste by sounds of it.

I told her she needed to get a job or go to school or do something, the other night, and it seemed like it went well, then today I had to drag her out of bed a 1:30 pm and she has being crappy with me all day then she goes back to bed, refuses to do any job hunting or fill out any apps. I am done. Tells me she doesn't want to do it today, my day off, but tomorrow, when I work, ironic. And just went to play league without so much as an I love you... I am telling her to go tonight when she gets back.

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Originally Posted by chnkytim42

i told her she needed to get a job or go to school or do somethin, am telling her to go tonight when she gets back.

I so wish I could be there with you!

Then I found out the one thing she does do, "babysit and clean on saturday for a friend" she sleeps half the day she is there... I thank you for your support wondergirl

Get rid of her... she WILL turn into a 400 lb couch potato at this rate.

If there ever was the definition of a "Ball and Chain"... this is it.

Sent her *** packing... just to update.

Thanks for the update! We always like to know what happened after someone came here to get our advice and opinions.

Glad to here you did the right thing... now you can find a good woman. And there are lots of those.