Ok. So I was on Facebook not too long ago and one of my boyfriends pals pops up on friends you should know. So I go to his page to find that he's gay. My boyfriend never told me he was. So I say hello to this guy and we start talking about my boyfriend. He tells me that there are rumors at their job that my boyfriend had something going on with a gay cook there. I was SHOCKED. Then he went on to say that they broke up and my boyfriend asked this other gay guy for his number. My boyfriend denied the rumor to the 2nd gay guy telling him that he was straight and had a girlfriend. But the 2nd guy ( the one I was talking to on facebook) says that there is no way he's straight at best he's bi. I don't know what to think. I asked my boyfriend. He said they were just jealous of our relationship and want us to break up so they can be with him. He swears up and down that nothing happened that these guys are just into him. To me if you're not bi you don't let a guy have enough intamacy with you to be "into" you. He is a closeted homosexual from himself at best. If not full on cheating on me with men. We have a son. We have a great life together. Best friends. Very good sexually. He spends all his time that he's not working with the family. He does have a very quiet sweet and somewhat fem energy about him. I love it but it might come off "gay" to others. His style also might seem "metro" again I love it. I am torn up because if he's cheating on me I cannot be with him. But what if it's not true? Then I have the lingering freaking question in my head. What if he's just with me because of our lifestyle is what his parents want? What if he's having homosexual relationships behind my back can he really love me? Or just the normalcy that the hetero relationship provides him.

So... he has gay friends, most of us do, I have gay friends, even been to their home for parties. That does not make one gay.

What you have now is trust issues, are you worried he is cheating with women ? If no why, cheating is cheating.

I think if you can't trust him, you are not in a relationship where you should be sleeping with him.

He would never cheat on me with a woman! My issue is if he likes men. I cannot make him happy if he likes his same sex. Get it?

Why is it that the ones we love the most are the ones we trust the least?

I think I have this right. Your husband, who is a good Father and Husband, has Gay friends. These Gay friends are telling you, on Facebook of all places, tells you about RUMOURS that your husband has something going on with the gay cook. You then asked your husband about these and he denied them.

Then you imply that you trust this rumour that a friend has told you over what your husband has said.

You've talked to your husband and he says that he is staunchly loyal and straight. Yet you're still entertaining the thoughts from this friend that are based on rumour.

As well, having someone into you usually doesn't require any 'letting' from the person they are into. I cannot control how into me anyone is. Even if this fellow is into your husband, I wouldn't be to concerned about it. He has sworn up and down that he is straight and only into you.

As far as I can tell you don't trust your husband when you really should. He is probably telling the truth. You have a stronger relationship and trust base with your husband then this gay friend of his. It astounds me that you are even entertaining the idea that your husband is Bi or Gay.

You've talked to him. What more do you need?

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Originally Posted by Samemmack

He would never cheat on me with a woman!! My issue is if he likes men. I cannot make him happy if he likes his same sex. Get it?

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Than why do you think he would cheat on you with a man?

I see nothing that indicates he is fooling around with either a man or a woman other than a "gut feeling" you have.

I'll second what Fr_Chuck said... if you are this insecure with the relationship, why are you sleeping with him? What happens if you end up pregnant?

Now if you catch him in bed with someone... or in the shower with them... THAT is a reason to worry.

Why would you believe someone you don't know and not believe your boyfriend, and why would you believe someone who would tell you that about your boyfriend?

Did this guy know you are is girl friend? Were you just looking for trouble by talking to this guy about your boy friend?
If so, If you look for trouble you are bound to find it, whether it's true or not.

IF he is Bi, it only means that he can be attracted to men as well as women. It doesn't mean that he is actively trying to get with every man or woman who crosses his path. It sounds like he made a decision and has chosen to be with you.

Are you so insecure in the relationship that you trust a juvenile rumor over the evidence you see daily with your own eyes? Be careful that you don't push him away due to your fears.

Trust him.. There have been many marriages broken up because of rumors.. People like to hurt... I hate Facebook... I wish it had never been invented. Lots of people talking about something they know nothing about in a lot of cases.

Then the ones who do get on Facebook and do it for the right reasons.. thats okay.
Give your BF the benefit of the doubt... Good Luck

My suggestion to you. Don't accuse him everyone is innocent until proven guilty. Try to find out make sure he's not gay. Because I got this co-worker who married this guy. She thought he was gay since he got along with a lot of girls in high school. He kept deny he's gay.

She ended up marrying him and has a kid. He left her a few years later to be with another guy. You never know. So just try and find out.

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Originally Posted by hungtoronto

My suggestion to you. Don't accuse him everyone is innocent until proven guilty. Try to find out make sure he's not gay. Because I got this co-worker who married this guy. She thought he was gay since he got along with a lot of girls in highschool. He kept deny he's gay.

She ended up marrying him and has a kid. He left her a few years later to be with another guy. You never know. So just try and find out.

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Hung is right.. he is innocent until proven guilty. Don't accuse him until you know... I have friends who are gay... I'm not.

He's friends with gay coworkers. So what?

Someone you don't know told you that there was a rumor that he was with one of the cooks for awhile. So what?

He's with you. You have a son. He's given you no reason to think he may be cheating. You're ONLY reason for suspicion is someone you don't know telling you that there was a rumor that he was maybe with another guy.

Even if he IS bi, that doesn't mean he would HAVE to be with another man in order to be happy. Being bi ONLY means they are attracted to both sexes, NOT that they have to sleep with both sexes. There are bisexuals who never engage in same-sex sexual activities. It's a harmful and offensive myth that bisexuals hop from partner to partner because they can't be happy without having sex with men AND women. They are just as capable as anyone else to settle down with just one person, without ever wanting to cheat.

I'll let you in on a secret. Many gays like to tease their straight friends by telling them that they're really gay, or at least bi. It doesn't mean they are. The person doing the teasing usually knows that it's just teasing. It's harmless fun, like teasing a girl friend by calling her blond when she says or does something without thinking.

Contrary to popular belief, gays can not always spot another gay. Just because someone seems to act 'gay,' doesn't mean they actually are. Many gay people act 'straight,' but that doesn't make them any less gay. Even if his gay friend honestly thinks he may be gay or bi, doesn't mean he's right.

There are exactly TWO ways to know someone's sexual orrientation:
1. they tell you
2. you catch them having sex with someone

Even then, there are gray areas.

The ONLY way you can know if someone is gay/bi is:

1. You catch them in bed with someone of the same sex
2. They tell you.

If you don't trust him or believe him when he says he isn't, then leave. Your relationship isn't going to get better because you get the answer you're looking for. And if you can't trust him, why the hell are you with him to begin with?

You're doing him a disservice. Just leave already, because you obviously don't believe him as much as you believe one of his friends.

I don't believe him because he would NEVER risk losing me. My son and I are his life. BUT in the past he has had some weird relationships with men. While his license was suspended he had a gay cab driver take him to and from work for free promising sexual favors later but never actually doing them. We were just starting and he was open with me on how he "used" gay men. But he swore that nothing ever happened with them.
Another time with another cab driver that he was using he answered the phone to him WHILE we were having sex and told him that we were having sex but promptly lost his erection. Since then he hasn't ever lost an erection with me.
He says that he hates gay men and that he loves to take what he can get from them promising things but never delivering on the promises. He TELLS me this!! Something I forgot to add is that man on man action is a kind of fetish of mine so he knew that I liked it so maybe that's why he was so open with me. But once we got serious and had a baby I want all that crap to go away.
He also "used" a lot of men when he was younger saying nothing ever happened. He does admit that once while drunk one of those guys started to give him oral but he came to and punched him in the face. What is going on with him? He "hates" these guys yet he puts himself into these situations.? So yeah, when I hear a rumor about gay stuff I'm kind of going to believe it.
What in the world could be going on with him? Is he bi and he hates himself for it or what?? He swears he has never done anything with guys. He did sleep with A LOT of girls in the past but nothing beyond just one night stands.

Oh I also forgot. I used to like gay porn. When I asked him to watch it with me once he didn't even get an erection from it!
I am his first real relationship.
Come on people HELP me out!

I think there is a key phrase in your post: in the past. You say that all of this is stuff he has told you about not what you have actually witnessed.

As I said before, based on what you have written, it sounds like he has made his choice and that is you and your child. The past is the past unless you have any evidence to the contrary and rumors are not evidence.

OK, that puts a completely different spin on things.

It's not uncommon for someone, especially guys, to be extremely homophobic before they come out. They feel that by making fun of gays they're drawing attention away from themselves.

We can't tell you if he's actually bi, or gay. Only he knows that for sure.

I CAN tell you that his treatment of gay men is not good. The fact that he feels it is OK to lie to, use, and basically steal and cheat services from these men, says a lot about his personality. He has some deep-seated hatred for gay men. Rather or not any of that hatred is directed inward, I can't say.

Losing his erection after answering the phone makes sense. The moment was interrupted. What doesn't make sense, is why he would answer the phone in the first place. Most people would either ignore it or toss it across the room or something.

Yeah he used some gay guys... like women have never used a guy before? Or a guy a woman?

That doesn't make it morally right, but it does happen all the time and most people have used someone else like that at at least one point or other top get what they wanted, knowing they had no intentions of following through with the romantic desires of another.

And it would be a rare person who was NEVER on the receiving end of that from someone THEY liked but didn't share the same feelings at some point.

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Originally Posted by Samemmack

I don't believe him bc he would NEVER risk loosing me. My son and I are his life. BUT in the past he has had some weird relationships with men. While his liscense was suspended he had a gay cab driver take him to and from work for free promising sexual favors later but never actually doing them. We were just starting out and he was open with me on how he "used" gay men. But he swore that nothing ever happened with them.

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He may did something with them, may be not. What if he told you he did a few of them in the past what would you think of him? Wouldn't your suspicion become worse, maybe it's another reason not to tell you the truth.

This guy can lie and manipulate. Potentially what could happen is, he fell like being with a woman is not his thing and leave that was what happened with my coworker.


I am not saying it will happen but it's a scenario to think about.

Whether he has did anything or not.

The very truth is that he chose to be with you, that simple. He is at home with you. With you as his wife and child.

Good husband and Good Father. What else can you ask for.

It sounds like a lot of things that happened or could have happened are from the PAST.

You said he spends all his extra time with the family. So I say even with everything you said, never mind the rumors.

It is possible that it is happening but as others said you will never know for sure unless you catch him in the act.

Like I said in my other post, the bottom line is this: Do you trust him and believe what he says?

If yes, then work on communication in your relationship.

If no, you need to either go to counseling TOGETHER, or you might as well give up.

NO relationship survives a lack of trust.

Well I hope this guy is lying, but you knew this stuff about him before. Didn't it bother you that he used gay men? And you were all into the mixing it up before yoyrself.
He could be, but he has chosen you.

I hope he is straight and that his pathetic attitude towards gays have changed.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Well I hope this guy is lying, but you knew this stuff about him before. Didn't it bother you that he used gay men? And you were all into the mixing it up before yoyrself.
He could be, but he has chosen you.

I hope he is straight and that his pathetic attitude towards gays have changed.

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You know, if he would be honest with me and include me in it- I would love to see him hook up with a guy. But he's SO weird about everything. I tell him, If you are bi that's cool- that turns me on. He says that's gross he would never be with a guy. But his past tells a different tale.
It was weird that he hid from me that his 2 friends were gay. Bc that is something we used to talk openly about. He has changed. Me not so much. He talked about them, just left that part out. Which makes me think he's hiding something.
I trust him on EVERY topic except this one.

On using the gay guys... I thought it was weird but I tried not to judge him.

Thanks for all the advice.

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Originally Posted by Samemmack

You know, if he would be honest with me and include me in it- I would love to see him hook up with a guy. But he's SO wierd about everything. I tell him, If you are bi that's cool- that turns me on. He says that's gross he would never be with a guy. But his past tells a different tale.

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I am beginning to wonder if you are disappointed that he doesn't have a sexual interest in men. Were you, maybe, beginning to think you might get a fantasy fulfilled?

You say that he has changed. It sounds like he has matured. His current attitude may be a way to distance himself from a past that he doesn't find acceptable anymore.

If you love him and want to be with only him, you have to decide if you can accept that he has a past that apparently he doesn't want to be his present or his future. Do you accept him as he is now?

Now I'm wondering if maybe something might have happened in the past, like a bit of experimentation, which he came to regret - hence the subsequent homophobia. If you are so keen to see him hook up with another guy for your pleasure maybe he is denying the past to make you back off.

I confess I got a bit confused reading your thread. Between the fear of him cheating, the lack of trust, the worrying that he is attracted to men whether he acts on it or not, then the fact that you are aroused by the idea of it. So are you now saying it's OK for him to sleep with other men as long as you are included somehow? Is it possible that he doesn't know what you really want and is closing down on honest communication because of this?

Anyway whatever is going on in his head I agree with Synnen, it all comes down to working on the trust and communication between you.

I had to spread some rep but QLP I agree with you. I wondering the same thing.

Do you want him to be bi and share with you or do you want him to be straight and be faithful to you?
If he is with you and faithful, be happy.

Secrets and hiding is cheating and might be gay which means he doesn't want to let me in that part of his life. Including me means he loves me but might be into guys too which is not a problem for me. Hooking up (only)with me included= OK. Cheating on me and developing a relationship is what I am afraid of. I hate to be in the dark.
I don't want to be with anyone else.
I am selfish I know- I want him to like guys just for sex to be open with me about it. I don't want him sneaking behind my back developing a relationship with a man. Do I make any sense?

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Originally Posted by Samemmack

I am torn up because if he's cheating on me I cannot be with him. But what if it's not true? Then I have the lingering freaking question in my head. What if he's just with me bc of our lifestyle is what his parents want? What if he's having homosexual relationships behind my back can he really love me? Or just the normalcy that the hetero relationship provides him.

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Originally Posted by Samemmack

You know, if he would be honest with me and include me in it- I would love to see him hook up with a guy.

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Let me get this straight. It's OK if he screw some guy but can't have a relationship with them without your knowledge.

I wouldn't share my woman with anyone. You're having a risk of him running off with some dude if you allow him.

How come you're so nice to him? What is in it for you? Do you guy have an open relationship?

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Originally Posted by Samemmack

I dont want to be with anyone else.

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From what you have said about his present, he feels the same way.

Can you live with that?

He is the best boyfriend. This one issue drives me nuts. We do not have an open relationship. Im talking about a one time thing. I am going to be happy if he just wants to be with me. I just got scared because someone said he had something going on at work and he didn't tell me about it. I can live with anything as long as you tell me. I cannot stand liars.

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Originally Posted by Jesushelper1976

Whether he has did anything or not.

The very truth is that he chose to be with you, that simple. He is at home with you. With you as his wife and child.

Good husband and Good Father. What else can you ask for.

It sounds like a lot of things that happened or could have happened are from the PAST.

You said he spends all his extra time with the family. So I say even with everything you said, never mind the rumors.

It is possible that it is happening but as others said you will never know for sure unless you catch him in the act.

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Believe in him. Don't accuse him. If you ask him and he told you he wasn't don't make it a major deal. Trust!

Thanks! I obviously have trust issues. My mom says I was looking for problems. I am a little nuts because as I said he does spend all of his free time with me. Again, thanks for all the advice.

Your trust issues and you getting a little nuts could create more problems then anything else.

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Originally Posted by Jesushelper1976

Your trust issues and you getting a little nuts could create more problems then anything else.

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Exactly... As a guy speaking... this would be a VERY good reason for me to walk away from any woman. In fact I have several times in the past.

Samemmack, please review the rules for using agree/disagree feature: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forum-...nes-24951.html

Disagrees should be used for incorrect facts NOT opinions.

You need to stop being so impulsive. Believe me when I say I'm the worlds worst for acting before thinking. I always end up jumping to the wrong conclusion.

I don't believe your boyfriend is gay. I think you have that idea in your head and now you can't shake it.
Give the guy a break unless he proves otherwise! Please do as Cat said, read about the disagree/agree features. We try to give advice that is sound and our opinions may not be what you want to hear, but that's why we're here. I hope everything goes well and you find the answers you seek. Blessings

Yes.. I'll third that about reading the rules for Giving Reddies... there was NOTHING factually inaccurate about what I said in post #35 at all.

I'm 48, a man, I've dumped women from more different countries over their paranoia than guys you have ever had an interest in before I was 27. Its clear you are very young.

And speaking as a guy... thats one of the most quick way to turn a guy against you. Only losers will put up with that sort of abuse for very long. Because there are plenty of women who would not do that.

A mature guy will not do that to a woman he really loves... and a woman who really loves a guy would not do it either. They MIGHT do it with someone they are just in lust over however, because they are a convenient booty call.

You want to hear advice from a guy... thats my advice to you.

Because mark my words... odds are one day YOU will be on the receiving end from a paranoid guy... then you will understand what I am saying.

If you do not trust someone for any reason at all, real or imagined... then they clearly are NOT " THE ONE ".

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Originally Posted by smoothy

Yes..I'll third that about reading the rules for Giving Reddies...there was NOTHING factually inaccurate about what I said in post #35 at all.

I'm 48, a man, I've dumped women from more different countries over their paranoia than guys you have ever had an interest in before I was 27. Its clear you are very young.

And speaking as a guy...thats one of the quickest way to turn a guy against you. Only losers will put up with that sort of abuse for very long. Because there are plenty of women who would not do that.

A mature guy will not do that to a woman he really loves...and a woman who really loves a guy would not do it either. They MIGHT do it with someone they are just in lust over however, because they are a convienient booty call.

You want to hear advice from a guy....thats my advice to you.

Because mark my words....odds are one day YOU will be on the recieving end from a paranoid guy...then you will understand what I am saying.

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I do agree with Smoothy..

It is fact that paranoia and trust issues by you the original poster, could potentially push your husband away. Fact.

So you need to work on YOUR trust issues and your paranoia before he does decide enough is enough and walks out.

Worst thing in a relationship is to accuse your partner and being untrusting when in fact he has not done anything to lose your trust in the first place.

He spends all his extra time with you and the family. That speaks volumes.