Ask Me Help Desk - Guilt, shame, and embarrassement after intimacy

Guilt, shame, and embarrassement after intimacy

I'm having a bit of an issue again it seems to show up every now and then and I'm not sure why. Can anyone help me get over these feelings of guilt, shame and embarrassed after intimacy? Is it because of past abuse or something else? And how the hell do I get over it or get rid of it? Your not supposed to feel that way so why do I?:confused:
It's become so bad that it happens during the act I start to feel uncomfortable the feeling is hard to explain I just hate it! I feel this way sometimes during the act or just after and even when remembering it. I hate it I thought I was over this.:(

Is there something specific that triggers those feelings? Or is it just intimacy in general? Are you being intimate with a long time partner? Is this a new partner that you're having these feelings with?

Have you tried talking with a counselor?

Uh we've been dating for 9 months so I guess not that long term but it happens with every one I'm intimate with. It didn't bug me that much at first but its getting worse after he did something that reminded me of something that happened in the past.

I'm going to guess whatever it is he did to remind you of the past is what's making it worse. Have you tried talking about what's happened in your past before? Sometimes talking about things make them easier to deal with.

I told him about it and I told him what he did reminded me off it and bugged me... but I still shudder thinking about it now. Well we didn't have a big talk about it guess he didn't think much of it at the time I'll have to bring it up again.

And have you tried counseling for yourself? Are you open to trying it?

Yes I was in counseling for 3 years. And I'm in a help group called women survivors of childhood sexual assault. I don't have a job right now so I can't pay for counseling other wise I'd still be in it.

Can I be honest with you? I shuddered when I read your signature...

Quote:

The sun has failed The moon is dead The world deceased The writing rules unread The flowers wilted The color's faded The paths untread The animals have all vacated The world has come The world has gone All the damage has been done The world is dead And we're at fault Consequence all life has come to a halt!

It's just a question, and clearly you've had some difficult sexual experiences in the past, but how does this pessimistic approach to life substantially enrich your day-to-day life, your interactions with people and your sexual experiences?

Guilt, shame and embarrassment are outcomes of you feeling that you're to blame for what originally happened, and that there is something wrong with you. If, as a consequence, you then believe that there is something wrong with the world, then you're never going to believe that you're OK in the world (or with people, or with sex).

I'm sorry, I know that I'm not really answering your question directly, but I feel that there is something deeper at play here, and it involves how you think about and respond to the world around you.

I think that your responses during and after sex will be difficult to shift unless you make a bigger shift in how you view the world. I'm not saying that it will be easy either, but perhaps it's worth thinking about?

.. that's a poem I wrote a few years back. Its not a personal belief my friend mentioned I should take it down in-case people got a bad idea based on it. I have a better out look on life now then I did back then.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Caroljj90

..that's a poem i wrote a few years back. its not a personal belief my friend mentioned i should take it down in-case people got a bad idea based on it. i have a better out look on life now then i did back then.

You know, even though it's depressing I thought it was beautiful too. But Gemini has a point. I hope you really do have a better outlook on life. Maybe it would help you to begin seeing a therapist again. And possibly bring your boyfriend every once and a while. This way maybe he can better understand your feelings. And you can better understand them yourself. I'm learing something in my psychology about Irrational core beliefs. Maybe if you can figure out what yours is it might help you change your way of thinking about sex as well and you can learn to become more comfortable.
When I was 6 I was molested by my babysitter's 16-year-old son, multiple times. It wasn't until I was 16 that I told my parents what happened to me. It can be a really tough thing to deal with, I was ashamed for the longest time.
I really feel that you should talk to someone again, it could definitely help.

I while try to find a therapist but like I said before I have no money to pay for therapy which is why I'm not in it now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Caroljj90

i while try to find a therapist but like i said before i have no money to pay for therapy which is why i'm not in it now.

It's unfortunate that you can't pay for therapy, but you can at least try to talk to your boyfriend abou tit more. It is a serious thing that is effecting the both of you. If he understands you better then maybe you can connect better.

Quote:

Caroljj90 agrees: agreed it's not easy to talk about though

Trust me I know it isn't. I definitely hesitated before I said what happened to me.

OK I sent him an email explaining my current situation to him (he lives in a different town)

Quote:

Every hour you search for power a hand ticks on the witching tower
And with power comes pain enough to make even the greatest man insane
You suffer in shame time and again with no one to blame only the power you've gained
You think you'll change and be different from the majority but every one knows what comes with authority!

You write this one too?

Quote:

Originally Posted by ohsohappy

You write this one too?

yes I did I've written a few poems in the past.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Caroljj90

yes i did i've written a few poems in the past.

You're really good. Just thought I'd slip that in there. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by ohsohappy

you're really good. Just thought I'd slip that in there. :)

thank you I like the stuff in your signature it makes me laugh

Quote:

Originally Posted by Caroljj90

thank you i like the stuff in your signature it makes me laugh

The first one I found online, the second one actually happened and I had to bite my tongue. Don't want to lose my job for being insulting towards customers. :)

Ugh I don't know why I bother with him I explained every thing and I told him I needed a therapist cause this is bigger then us and I don't think we can deal with it on our own so what does he do freaks out telling me I'm not trying and I refuse his help and won't go find a therapist for myself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Caroljj90

ugh i don't know why i bother with him i explained every thing and i told him i needed a therapist cause this is bigger then us and i don't think we can deal with it on our own so what does he do freaks out telling me im not trying and i refuse his help and wont go find a therapist for myself.

I'm so sorry that it worked out like this. Why do you think he freaked out? What help of his does he think you are you refusing?

The fact that you're talking about it means that you ARE trying and he must know that you're feeling distressed about it.

Would he be prepared to go to counselling with you?

He says he'd go with me. His way of dealing with things is pushing me and pushing me and pushing me till I do something he thinks will work because he seems to know me better! HE'S A ING IDIOT I think I know what works for me and pushing myself to do stuff I'm not comfortable with doesn't make me more comfortable with them. WEIRD how that one works!

Pushing you to do things you are not comfortable with is NOT a good thing.

It's VERY bad.

Especially for someone recovering from sexual assault.

Get to a counselor, and drag his butt with you---he's WRONG about this, and pushing you to do something you are not comfortable with is just another form of abuse.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Caroljj90

he says he'd go with me. his way of dealing with things is pushing me and pushing me and pushing me till i do something he thinks will work because he seems to know me better! HE'S A ING IDIOT i think i know what works for me and pushing myself to do stuff i'm not comfortable with doesn't make me more comfortable with them. WEIRD how that one works!

I'm wondering if this dynamic between you is what is contributing to you feeling guilt, shame and embarrassment during sex.

This doesn't sound healthy to me at all.

Don't allow yourself to be pushed or bullied. I'd back off having sex with him for a while or talking to him until you feel calmer.

I'd also be suggesting that you may need to re-evaluate how good this relationship is for you. Do you really need to have someone like this in your life right now?

He says I'm not telling you the whole story and is getting mad about it. He pushes me to change in front of him and shower with him and have sex with the lights on cause he thinks it will help with my self-esteem issues when all it really does is embarrass me and give me bad flash backs of the past which end up making me hate myself. Also here's part of our conversation at the moment:Carol: all I have for you right now is a small loving memory for how I thoguh things were and a ton of resentment for all your crap and abuse
*thought
Boyfriend:you have that because you're mad at me because I tried to basically grab you by the shoulders and tell you to face your problems

Is he a licensed counselor? Is he YOU? Is he LISTENING to you when you tell him what you are not comfortable with?

No?

Then he's not doing what is best for YOU. He's doing what he would tell someone to do if they had a problem they were ignoring, or a problem that was more easily solved. For instance--forcing someone to look at how their procrastination and constantly being late affects those around them by not helping with homework at the last minute, or not being at the bar at 8 when you were meeting at 7--that's quite a bit different.

Having you do something you are not comfortable with after abuse, and FORCING you into it when you're not ready--that's like curing someone of their fear of heights by pushing them out of an airplane.

Bottom line is this: If you can go to a counselor together so that he can LEARN, from a professional, how to help you--then he's really willing to help.

BUT--he has to be willing to listen to you, and he has to understand that HE DOES NOT KNOW what is best for YOU. He's not the expert here, and he needs to back the heck down.

If he can't do that, then he may not be a good person to be important in your life right now.

He needs to understand that he can not FIX you.

I broke up with him this 9months of arguing and pushing and crap have drove me crazy and made all the good things seem not worth it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Caroljj90

I broke up with him this 9months of arguing and pushing and crap have drove me crazy and made all the good things seem not worth it.

Sorry again; things seem to be accelerating since you posted this thread, but maybe it's for the best?

Sounds like his behavior is exacerbating your bad feelings rather than improving them...

Take a break for a while and see what happens - seems like he has his own problems to face!

Good for you carol. He makes you take showers with him and dress in front of him. Doesn't sound like he is trying to boost your esteem at all, sounds like he is trying to get a show. Then he makes you make love with the light on? Bull crap, if you are not comfortable with that then he better dang well respect it. He needs to get a big load of being a gentlemen before one of his partners smacks him in the face.

Who the he!l does he think he is anyway? Your master? I don't freakin think so, and you know what, I can imagine why it would dredge up old memories.

Good for you for getting rid of Mr. Insensitive and just all around keep him away. He doesn't deserve the gift you give him, especially not love making when it is potentially mentally dangerous for you.

Well he didn't make me shower with him and stuff he pushed and pushed to try and get me to I had to really put my foot down before he'd drop it but still I didn't think it should be that way I do think he was trying to help he just sucks at it. And he's now joining our website.. says he's coming on to find help on how to get over me and stuff so.. anyway I can totally remove old posts and questions so he doesn't go around trying to find stuff out about me he said he won't but I don't believe him.

I would have never told him you were here in the first place. I would hope that he does not know your exact screen name. I am sure that you can change it if you wish. Make it harder for him to know everything. The inner workings of you mind are not his business.

Yes it does sound like he sucks at helping, maybe his heart was in the right place, but he needs to know how to handle these situations better and connect to you better. Without compassion for your situation he cannot make things work between the two of you at all.

He needs to understand that all things take time, sometimes they take several years, sometimes the problems never fully go away. He needs to learn patients and he needs to learn not to try so hard to make people feel better than they can at the moment. Forcing a good feeling is really just playing the part.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Caroljj90

and hes now joining our website..says he's coming on to find help on how to get over me and stuff so..anyway i can totally remove old posts and questions so he doesn't go around trying to find stuff out about me he said he wont but i don't believe him.

You can't change your current screen name and posts aren't deleted. Understand that he doesn't have to join to read what you have written.

If he says you aren't telling us the full story is that from what you have told him you said here or has he already read what you wrote?

Realistically, have you said anything here that you haven't tried to tell him face to face?

Uh oh, you can't change your screen name? I really should have picked one I use less... crap

Quote:

Originally Posted by Caroljj90

I broke up with him this 9months of arguing and pushing and crap have drove me crazy and made all the good things seem not worth it.

I think what you did was for the best hun. He may have had good intentions, or at least though he did, but he was making things worse for you. And I have a feeling that deep down, he was actually doing these things for selfish reasons. If he had REALLY cared and understood your situation he would NEVER EVER EVER try to force you to do something that you weren't comfortable. It's commen sense that someone who's been abused can't just "get over it" by doing the things that had happened to them or reminded them of what happened to them. Forcing ANYONE to do something that they aren't comfortable with is abuse, and the person can lose trust in people and have low self esteem. I think you are right by breaking up with him, you really don't need the added stress. You're trying to cope with your past, not reinact it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

You can't change your current screen name and posts aren't deleted. Understand that he doesn't have to join to read what you have written.

If he says you aren't telling us the full story is that from what you have told him you said here or has he already read what you wrote?

Realistically, have you said anything here that you haven't tried to tell him face to face?

I gave him bits of it because he didn't understand what I was saying to him so I told him what some of you guys said to me then he asked what I told you all and he complained I didn't tell you about his past and our feelings for each other and stuff.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Caroljj90

i gave him bits of it because he didn't understand what i was saying to him so i told him what some of you guys said to me then he asked what i told you all and he complained i didn't tell you about his past and our feelings for each other and stuff.

So, you have pretty much tried to tell him what you have told us. Then, what does it matter if he reads it on here?

Be yourself and keep posting as you feel you need to. We will continue to give you the best advice we can.

Don't worry about what he might do or read on here. If he does join, he has to abide by the same rules we all do. If he tries to cause you problems, it will be handled.

Good luck. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

So, you have pretty much tried to tell him what you have told us. Then, what does it matter if he reads it on here?

Be yourself and keep posting as you feel you need to. We will continue to give you the best advice we can.

Don't worry about what he might do or read on here. If he does join, he has to abide by the same rules we all do. If he tries to cause you problems, it will be handled.

Good luck. :)

I'm not worried about him reading this thread I have others I don't want him reading

Fact of life... once its on the internet... its never going away.

Everything is cached someplace else... and even if a site pulls content, it lives on in those caches they have no control over.

I can pull up content from 10 plus years ago from sites that haven't existed in years...

Ugh well we tried just being friends but stuff fell through I told him my true thoughts on something he didn't like what I had to say he blew up now we're not talking and probably won't for a long time.