I know I know. Taboo and all that.

My question is in two parts.

1. Is anal really ever pleasurable for the woman?

2. If my fiancé finds that it hurts too much to do again, how can I get her to let me try it once?

I mean I know I should respect her sexual wishes and all that but I really want to try it. She just doesn't want to let me do it once. I told her she could do anything to me (anything) and I would not fuss about it because that is what gets her off. She does not extend the same option to me.

Larken,

So... You say anything!? So, would you let her put a strap on on and give you some back door action? With all do respect? I am not trying to be sarcastic, I simply ask,only because it doesn't sound intriguing for most men, so, why should it for women? Now, don't get me wrong, there are some women that absolutely love it! Then, there are some who don't want to have anything to do with it!

Now, I am a women who will try anything, to please myself and my partner!

However, not all people work like that. I think that you shouldn't push the issue with her any more. If she wants to do that up the road, she will.

Again, I was not trying to be disrepectful in my post.

Good luck.

"Anything"??

Are you willing to experience that particular sensation first?

Not me brother.

The "bottom" line is, that if she is totally against it, then there is no magic word to open that passage .

Don't push it. Enjoy what you have.

Maybe with time, and gentle play, she will come around.

To answer question #1. Yes... I have known several women that LOVE it. However there are some caveats. First they are willing, and second I was willing to take my time... its never a "damn the torpedos, full speed ahead!" moment.

You have to take it slow... one finger, two fingers... eventually three fingers... and know it might take days or weeks, IF she is willing to cooperate. If she isn't willing... then there isn't a lot you can do.

If it hurt her, you weren't doing your part right.

And yeah... I've also known some stick in the mud women as well. Lets just say, I moved on to greener pastures.

Nice smoothy. And good advice everyone. When I said anything I did not leave anything out. I specifically said the word ANYTHING because even if I don't like it, it is fine with me so long as she likes to do it. But you're right, I should not push her into it. She said she would let me try it once but has never let me and after a little while she started saying its not happening. Kind of rotten I thought but I have to respect her decisions when it comes to that. I don't have much of a choice on that one actually, unless I am willing to do something really stupid but sorry that isn't the type of guy I am you know. Oh well, maybe it's a lost cause...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Larken85

I mean I know I should respect her sexual wishes and all that but I really want to try .

---

There is no if and or buts, you should, without a doubt, respect her sexual wishes and drop the subject. Anal play is not for everyone and can be a health hazard if not done properly, for her, not necessarily for you.

Tick

1. Yup. Can be VERY enjoyable.

2. Even though I KNOW it can be enjoyable, it ain't happening as often as the hubby would like. It's part mood, it's part preparation--you think you do a lot of foreplay NOW? Do it over 5-6 DAYS, slowly upping the ante, with NOTHING in it for yourself a few times--and it's part trust that you'd stop NO MATTER WHAT, with NO bad feelings or frustration the second she says so.

It DOES hurt if you don't do it right. It's not that comfortable unless she's REALLY turned on, and you're doing it EXACTLY right--and for that to happen, she has to be at least a little bit into it.

If she's not, you may as well just drop it.

Yeah I guess. Oh well. Sucks but I know you're all right.

Larken, I love anal sex, but I've been lucky enough to have partners that not only know what they're doing in that respect, but also take the time, are aware of me and my feelings every second that we're involved in the activity, and are willing and able to take "hell no! Stop!" for an answer.

Does she really know what's involved? Have you talked to her about why she's afraid? Have you researched anal to the fullest? There are techniques to this, it's not at all like vaginal sex where you have a learning curve. Do this wrong once and she's unlikely to ever let you near that area again.

So talk to her about it. Do your research so you can answer any questions she might have.

If she still says no, then move on. It's not for everyone. Not everyone is open enough to try it or even to enjoy it.

Good luck.

Thank you alten. Any particular site I might find some good info on to share with her. I think this will be my last pursuit of it and I got to make it a good try lol. Also I have to say it, but to see you type "I love anal sex" was kind of hot sounding. Sorry lol. But maybe I can try this one last time, make her sure that I know what I am doing and that I will stop at any given moment, and make her know that I would never intentionally hurt her for my pleasure. Also make her know that if I do it right it shouldn't be as painful as the last guy she did it with. She has a negative stigma because every time she hit that time of the month (before her surgery obviously and before I met her) he wanted anal. He would beg for it from her and she would give in to him. Said it was shameful to her and that it was one of those moments where you just had to bite your lip and close your eyes tight with your face in a pillow to hide the pain. I'd never get off on hurting her, its not my thing, but this guy I know to be a very big jerk. He didn't care so long as he got his. And on top of that she told me that she laid in bed crying because she felt used. I know seems like she should have gotten out of it, and eventually she found me and did. (don't think she likes being alone and I think she would be willing if I forced her to but I am just not going to do anything without her permission and openness to it. Not my thing, matter of fact knowing that she didn't like it would probably make me so uncomfortable that I wouldn't even be able to stay erect let alone go through with something like that. I feel bad that he put her through it all. Not just the Anal but the who relationship sounds like it kind of sucked

I love the feeling anal does for me! I mean you have to try it more than once to love it. It is better to go slow in and use lube to make the movement more smoother. Trust me it will feel a lot better for her. I mean I got use to it (and I have a high tolerance for pain) and eventually you can go as hard as you would during vaginal sex. You don't push it, but ask her to try it again. I mean persistence helps but ask in general. Like 'Is it OK if we try anal again?' Sometimes no means no. lol. It is a huge bummer lol. If she does want to use lube and have her lay on her tummy with a pillow under her hips. It supports stuff. I get comfort when my boyfriend holds my hand while he is entering and kissing my neck. It kind of helps to let me know that when I say stop he will stop.

All right, thanks lea. Maybe I can get her to do it. I don't know. I have my doubts but all I can do is try. I was a virgin before her and that includes anal sex. Its something that I want to experience at least once you know?

I use to be against it. I mean I tried it because I wanted to simply experience it and for future notes to figure out what I like or not. I know what you mean by virgin. Lol. I hated guys so I never really had sex till I was seventeen for a lot of sexual orientation stuff if you know what I mean;)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Larken85

Alright, thanks lea. Maybe I can get her to do it. I don't know. I have my doubts but all I can do is try. I was a virgin before her and that includes anal sex. Its something that I want to expierence at least once ya know?

---

If you do convince her to accompany you with this, larken, take time to educate both you and her before hand, and take Lea's suggestion of a safe word both you and she agree on which will mean STOP ultimately. Remember I said there are dangerous health issues accompanying anal sex, for her, I said, not necessarily for you.

Tick

Larken, give it up. You said her ex traumatized her with this. She now knows you're interested but she needs to heal from the emotional trauma before even considering it. If you keep harping on it it will destroy the relationship. Let her bring it back up(pardon the pun) when she feels she's ready. It may take a year or two.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Larken85

Thank you alten. Any particular site I might find some good info on to share with her. I think this will be my last pursuit of it and I gotta make it a good try lol. Also I have to say it, but to see you type "I love anal sex" was kinda hot sounding. Sorry lol. but maybe I can try this one last time, make her sure that I know what I am doing and that I will stop at any given moment, and make her know that I would never intentionally hurt her for my pleasure. Also make her know that if I do it right it shouldn't be as painful as the last guy she did it with. She has a negative stigma because every time she hit that time of the month (before her surgery obviously and before I met her) he wanted anal. He would beg for it from her and she would give in to him. Said it was shameful to her and that it was one of those moments where you just had to bite your lip and close your eyes tight with your face in a pillow to hide the pain. I'd never get off on hurting her, its not my thing, but this guy I know to be a very big jerk. He didn't care so long as he got his. And on top of that she told me that she layed in bed crying because she felt used. I know seems like she should have gotten out of it, and eventually she found me and did. (don't think she likes being alone and I think she would be willing if I forced her to but I am just not going to do anything without her permission and openess to it. Not my thing, matter of fact knowing that she didn't like it would probably make me so uncomfortable that I wouldn't even be able to stay erect let alone go through with something like that. I feel bad that he put her through it all. Not just the Anal but the who relationship sounds like it kinda sucked

---

Larken, for her this goes beyond what other women like and find pleasurable or what you can 'read up on'. For her, this hits an emotional and physical low point in her life.

I am not certain that you fully comprehend the damage caused by her previous relationship. I say that because you didn't mention it in the question. It isn't that she tried anal sex once and didn't like it. She was in effect abused with it. This is more than 'why won't she try anything to please me because I am willing to do anything for her.' To her, this is probably, 'why didn't he listen when I tried to tell him how degrading and awful anal sex made me feel?'

Have you been listening to her and hearing what she has tried to tell you?

I totally agree with Cats and Cat (had to spread the rep)

She was forced into having anal, (I believe they call that date rape?) obviously this is a very painful subject for her, in more ways than one. You are her fiancé, love her, support her, if you understand what crap she came from, then nurture her, and don't pressure her into doing something she obviously doesn't want to do. She knows you want it, it'll be something she thinks about frequently, believe me she won't forget. If SHE wants it, she'll let you know.

Larken, I was pretty much fine with all of this until you posted her history.

Your curiosity is normal. The resistance you are getting isn't all that uncommon. Seeking info out about how to maybe make it a pleasurable experience for her is good.

But man... with that emotional baggage... I would walk away from it and accept that it would do more damage to her and your relationship than any good that could come out of it.

Anal can be great for the man and we've ladies here who have said it can be a healthy part of your sexual experience... but I just have the feeling, if I were in your place, that there's too much to risk here.

You would probably like it. That won't stop your craving it. Won't stop your having to channel energy into fighting off this desire... and the only thing that will do that isn't getting it just once... its accepting that its not healthy for this relationship and that's that.

You have enough problems in this relationship... including, but not limited to, sex.

I had a lover who just didn't enjoy oral. I missed it. Craved it. At times it posed a real conflict, as I absolutely love giving oral on a woman. Love the feel, the taste, the angle of seeing her arch... great stuff. But shed had a less than great past with oral and just did not enjoy it... and that thought kept circling in my head even when she initiated it on those rare occasions... she is just servicing me and is not enjoying it.

Its one thing to take a position you don't favor or even feel some discomfort in order to drive your partner over the top... its another when that discomfort changes from the physical and becomes mental stress, anxiety, and fear.

So... your girl already isn't responsive enough concerning sex... you push this, and you are just looking for a fight.

And we can control what we let contol us... it starts with accepting this isn't a healthy act for her. Period.

OK OK. Everyone seems to think that she was forced to have anal sex. She wasn't at all. If anything she should have a stigma with vaginal sex because that was his preference. But time has passed (1.5 years+). She is not messed up from it, she does not feel like a victim. I know how she feels about it because I have talked to her about it. She just didn't like it because it used to hurt cause obviously from what you all have said he didn't know what he was doing. We have pretty open communication about stuff like that and if for any reason I thought for even a second that she had been raped like this, I'd never in a million years touch the subject. She is a complicated person with a complicated past, but she has never been raped. She is the only one of her sisters that wasn't raped actually. And none of her ex-bfs have ever physically forced her into anything. Mentally maybe, but you can't call convincing anyone Rape. There is a fine line there and once that line is crossed every guy in the universe has then been accused of rape.

I know you are all responding to a fear that this will end us, but it won't. I am very very sure of that. I am so sure that she is open to talk about it that I have absolutely no fear what so ever in it causing problems. If there is anything she is very open to talk about with me its sexual desires. Thank you all for the concern.

Crap... I rated this post with an agree when I meant to quote... fingers too impatient...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Larken85

She has a negative stigma because every time she hit that time of the month (before her surgery obviously and before I met her) he wanted anal. He would beg for it from her and she would give in to him. Said it was shameful to her and that it was one of those moments where you just had to bite your lip and close your eyes tight with your face in a pillow to hide the pain.

---

k. this may be "consensual", but that doesn't mean it didn't come at a cost. Nobody should just have "to bite your lip and close your eyes tight with your face in a pillow to hide the pain" if you aren't enjoying that pain.

So...

At the very best, she isn't traumatized by the past (that would make her extremely unique) at all and she just doesn't want to try it again...

At the worst, well, we've talked about that already perhaps...

So... convince me why she should try it again. She's had a bad experience with it, has heard your requests and denied them, and shows no interest in it.

I just think its not worth the risk...

There's a VERY fine line there.

And yes, actually--coercion CAN be rape. Telling a woman that he's going to leave her (especially in cases where it would leave her destitute) or making threats against her or other family members IS a form of rape.

You don't have to force someone physically--forcing them to say "yes" through coercion/blackmail is still rape.

And if she felt used and humiliated afterwards, she still had the same EFFECT as having been raped.

Either way--it was MENTALLY and EMOTIONALLY degrading to her

Quote:

---

Said it was shameful to her and that it was one of those moments where you just had to bite your lip and close your eyes tight with your face in a pillow to hide the pain. I'd never get off on hurting her, its not my thing, but this guy I know to be a very big jerk. He didn't care so long as he got his. And on top of that she told me that she laid in bed crying because she felt used

---

.

Let HER initiate this one. Either that, or volunteer for some pegging yourself.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Larken85

I know you are all responding to a fear that this will end us, but it wont. I am very very sure of that. As a matter of fact I am so sure that she is open to talk about it that I have absolutely no fear what so ever in it causing problems. If there is anything she is very open to talk about with me its sexual desires. thank you all for the concern.

---

This thread has lead me to believe that all is not so well in the bedroom... so maybe I'm missing something... but I take this current thread in the context of all that you've posted before, including the following...

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...es-455638.html

MRSA is more then a super staff infection. It makes a body immune to just about any antibiotic trying to treat it.

Good sleuthing, kp. No doesn't appear you are missing anything and I don't think anymore time should be wasted on this thread as larken is not who he appears to be as a caring lover. I don't blame her for being concerned, and in any event, did OP know she had had anal sex with a previous partner before he got the bright idea that he wanted to try it. You can read back and find that out as well.

I think she will be well rid of this guy and, find someone who is on the up and up. He hasn't been with us and this thread, and others have taken a lot of time and thought from all of us and nothing has appeared to make a difference to him.

Tick

The bottom line is, is that she doesn't want to have anal sex! Plain and simple!

Respect her wishes and leave it alone!

Larken, after reading her history, I have to agree with everyone else. Leave it alone, stop asking, she's been traumatized enough and she's given you her answer. Accept it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by tickle

MRSA is more then a super staff infection. It makes a body immune to just about any antibiotic trying to treat it.

Good sleuthing, kp. No doesnt appear you are missing anything and I dont think anymore time should be wasted on this thread as larken is not who he appears to be as a caring lover. I dont blame her for being concerned, and in any event, did OP know she had had anal sex with a previous partner before he got the bright idea that he wanted to try it. You can read back and find that out as well.

I think she will be well rid of this guy and, find someone who is on the up and up. He hasnt been with us and this thread, and others have taken a lot of time and thought from all of us and nothing has appeared to make a difference to him.

tick

---

Meant to agree here, must have hit the wrong button.

Larken, I don't mean to be harsh here, but considering some of your past threads it may be time to start thinking with the bigger head.

It seems your gal has some sexual issues as well as some health issues.

It's time to be more supportive of her and her feelings and her health.

I think it might be a good idea for the two of you to stop having sex for a moment and start having discussions. Then revisit the idea of whether this relationship fits you both.

You are all over reacting. Sorry to have asked you as you have no clue what we are like with each other. And I am going to ask her the right way this time. You really do not know what is best in this situation and I am sorry but I am the loving, respectful, and patient man I clame to be. I am not a jerk and I do not push her to do things that she doesn't want to do.
Everyone seems to be under the impression that I have asked her a thousand times when that isn't the case at all. I haven't bugged her about it or tried pushing her into it. I asked her probably 3 times in a year and a half. She said all right once the first time. And for some reason after that she started saying no basically. I have not tried pushing her into it at all. And just as an FYI saying that she should get rid of me? Ridiculous, I have put up with a thousand times more than her to be in the relationship and you got no clue to the extent of it. I have stuck through it, and weathered the storms because she is worth it. And I do not ask all that much of her on top of that. Sure I have caused a problem or three but you have no idea what I have gone through for her. She isn't the one that should logically get rid of me, it should really be me having gotten rid of her a long time ago, a continuous problem that has still not gone away. Matter of fact if I were any other man, any less of a man I wouldn't have ever dated her in the first place.
I have now gotten myself into this and I am not willing to step away, and by the way stepping away would kill her and now it would really screw her life up. So even if I didn't love her she has gotten herself into a position that she would be hard pressed to make it on her own for me so I would still support her as she would need it. So before anyone decides to make me out to be a bad guy try thinking again.

You can stop this thread too, I'm a bit annoyed at being accused of being a bad person when I am probably the nicest person most people will have ever met. So lock it, delete it, I don't care, do something and just stop the maddness now please

Larken,

I understand you are getting frustrated. Really, I do... However, you come here asking us for advice, in which we are happy to do... You may not like what we have to say, and again, I can understand that as well.

BUT, you explained her history, and that's when I had had it...

I am NOT saying you are a bad person, you are curious and that's OK. If she has already said no, well then she means no. It doesn't matter if it was 3 weeks ago or 3 years ago. She told you no. No means no! That's it, end of it!

Everyone on here has been real honest and upfront with you.

Please don't take offence to this post as I might sound a little harsh. I am not trying to be rude by any way shape or form...

It was not just your post enigma. They said she should get rid of me. No one knows the full story and I do not feel like it is needed explaned here. I do not feel like hearing everyone telling me to leave her, I don't like people thinking I am an idiot. To most other people the things I have put up with would seem as if I am a doorstop and everyone would be calling me stupid for staying.

The only time she said "not gunna happen" we were joking around about things. The other time she said I don't know. (which I usually take as a no) and the other time she said yes.

I have already asked her to talk to me about something sexual when she gets back from out of state and she is going to do so. If you really think she is going to be in any way upset by my asking again, you're mistaked.

After I said that thing about her Ex, everyone decided to attack me and scrutinize me for wanting something that I know would not be that big of a deal to her. Her ex was stupid, she only disliked the pain (cause he obviously did not know what he was doing) and the fact that he was a jerk. He never cared if she got hers or not, he never cared if his pleasure hurt her. She knows I care, she trusts me sexually more than she trusts me to catch her falling. She knows I care, and she knows I do not want to hurt her. She is confident in our sexual natures and she is a very giving lover. (I know you are all going to say be happy with what you got bla bla bla) I feel like I am defending myself now. The only thing this thread was meant for was to freaking educate me on how to go about asking and give me a little more information on it. Thanks I got what I wanted.

And I am not trying to take offence to any post, but the thread got way way off subject and off point and some how turned against the person asking. If there are real rules here there should be one against making people feel bad for something they want.

And that is effectively what you've all done by the way, you've made me feel like what I want is something that is naughty and dirty. Something that I could only want from her if I am an evil person. I am sorry to say this because I love being here and giving and getting advice but we should not give people guilt trips. It is just wrong and totally unhelpful. Yes if you think I shouldn't ask that is fine, but no its not fine to throw in things like rape, calling the person a bad person, making them feel like what they want is wrong if it is something that other people normally do, and above all we need to realize that the people asking for advice are lost on the subject and could use compassion instead of accusations and proding.

Per larken85's request at #30, I've asked this thread be locked...