My wife and I have been together for going on 5 years now. I am currently in the military and serving a tour in Afghanistan. When I went through Fort Riley, KS, 2 other guys and myself went to an all nude strip club called temptations, this is the very first time I have done something like that since we have been together. It was a spur of the moment decision and I really wasn't thinking. The bad thing is, I tried to hide the fact that I went from my wife and she found out by one of my bank statements in the mail.

My wife has lost all trust in me no matter how long ago it was and how many times I apologize to her. I went home on mid tour leave and we are still extremely sexually active, but she doesn't want to consider what we have a marriage and continues to say things like "she has the most hatred for me than anyone else she knows" and it makes me really upset.

It has been almost a year since the incident and she is still upset about the whole ordeal. I don't know what else to do to make her realize that I am sorry and I don't want to ever do it again because it has caused her so much hurt and anguish.

First I would like to say Thank you for serving our country.. 2ndly.. OOPS!and 3rdly in my opinion she may never let it go and she may never forgive you.Do you have children together?

We do have a daughter together, she is going to be 4 shortly. That is exactly what she says, that she will probably never let me get over it. No matter all the good things I may do for her.

Have things changed? Does she treat you like crap or do you 2 get along fine. You just have to work on earning her trust. There may be a day she fully trusts you again. Then again she may never trust you. You can hope for the best here or move on. Oh and thanks for fighting for our country.

I'm a little confused about what went on at the strip club - why there were charges on your charge card. Were you getting lap dances?

As "Adam" said - she may never trust you; she may trust you. At any rate, she hasn't left you.

Obviously this was important and upsetting to her, possibly more about the money you spent and the lying than the actually going to the club.

Old saying
For a million things you do you shall never be remembered
For one thing you do wrong it will be remembered for your life

If I was your wife I would forgive, everyone can make mistakes particullary when out with the boys !

Things have not changed. We get along just fine when I am home. I spend as much time with her and my daughter as I possibly can while I am home. I think deep down inside she wants to forgive me, but she may think it is too early for forgiveness.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Christofanman

Things have not changed. We get along just fine when I am home. I spend as much time with her and my daughter as I possibly can while I am home. I think deep down inside she wants to forgive me, but she may think it is too early for forgiveness.

---

I'd sit her down, have the conversation AGAIN and ask her when/if she is going to "forgive you."

Is she upset about the strip club, the money or the lie?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Christofanman

I think deep down inside she wants to forgive me, but she may think it is too early for forgiveness.

---

Hello C:

Too EARLY?? A YEAR is too early?? For going to a STRIP CLUB?? Dude!

excon

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I'd sit her down, have the conversation AGAIN and ask her when/if she is going to "forgive you."

Is she upset about the strip club, the money or the lie?

---

More about the strip club and the lie. It was the whole reasoning as to why I felt I needed to go to the strip club as if I thought she wasn't good enough. I keep telling her over and over again that it was a one time ordeal. She doesn't believe anything I say because I am so far away and she can't see what I am doing on a daily basis.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I'm a little confused about what went on at the strip club - why there were charges on your charge card. Were you getting lap dances?

As "Adam" said - she may never trust you; she may trust you. At any rate, she hasn't left you.

Obviously this was important and upsetting to her, possibly more about the money you spent and the lying than the actually going to the club.

---

The charges were that I had to pay to get in and I was paying for some of my friends' drinks. I didn't get any lap dances but we were throwing dollar bills on the stage like everyone else.

This has been the 1st and only time that I have been to a strip club while being with my wife and we have been together for 5 years.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by penny41

old saying
for a million things you do you shall never be remembered
for one thing you do wrong it will be remembered for your life

if i was your wife i would forgive, everyone can make mistakes particullary when out with the boys !

---

You are right and this has been the biggest mistake of my life. I didn't know that it was going to have such a profound effect on the way my wife thought of me as a person. If I had known the pain it was going to cause her emotionally, I would have never done it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by excon

Hello C:

Too EARLY???? A YEAR is too early??? For going to a STRIP CLUB????? Dude!

excon

---

I guess every female is different and takes different times to forgive people for something that they did. I don't understand, but I want to give her as much time as she feels she needs to forgive me.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Christofanman

It was the whole reasoning as to why I felt I needed to go to the strip club as if I thought she wasn't good enough. I keep telling her over and over again that it was a one time ordeal. She doesn't believe anything I say because I am so far away and she can't see what I am doing on a daily basis.

---

Hello again, C:

Sorry to break it to you, but there's TWO kinds of women in the world: Thems who trust you - and thems who don't.

We KNOW why you went to the strip club. You KNOW why you went. The whole world KNOWS why you went. Your wifey doesn't. Your wifey NEVER will.

Now, if it were me, I wouldn't/COULDN'T live with a partner who didn't trust me - especially when I did NOTHING wrong... So, I'd have to split.

excon

Salvo

Seems to me that your wife doesn't understand what happens at strip clubs

Its like window shopping with no chance of purchasing, all tease and nothing else

Sure I can understand why she would be upset, deceit is always mistrust, but seen as you had no lap dance personally and as you say you were just looking, then wow!!

Do she know what happens in these clubs or thinks it's a bordello house?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by phlanx

Salvo

Seems to me that your wife doesnt understand what happens at strip clubs

Its like window shopping with no chance of purchasing, all tease and nothing else

Sure I can understand why she would be upset, deceit is always mistrust, but seen as you had no lap dance personally and as you say you were just looking, then wow!!!

Do she know what happens in these clubs or thinks its a bordello house??

---

I believe she thinks that every strip club is like a whore house. She thinks that all men that go to strip clubs are pigs.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Christofanman

More about the strip club and the lie. It was the whole reasoning as to why I felt I needed to go to the strip club as if I thought she wasn't good enough. I keep telling her over and over again that it was a one time ordeal. She doesn't believe anything I say because I am so far away and she can't see what I am doing on a daily basis.

---

This is not going to be a popular response so I am going to brace myself for criticism.

That having been said - I think she's making a great big deal out of what basically is nothing IF the problem is simply going to the strip club.

Would I have a problem with my husband going to a strip club? No. Would I consider it a threat or insult to me? No. Maybe I'm not easily threatened. I don't know

Would I have a problem if he lied about it? Yes.

Why? Because I would wonder what else he was lying about.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Christofanman

She thinks that all men that go to strip clubs are pigs.

---

Hello again, C:

I say again, I wouldn't/couldn't live with someone who thought that of me. I also wonder where your balls went. Aren't you the guy who wasn't afraid to face an enemy who had a gun pointed at your head, but you're afraid to let your wife know what's up??

You DID mention above, that she doesn't trust you because you weren't around to be WATCHED!! Dude. You're going to be WATCHED for the rest of your life.

Say bye bye.

excon

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

This is not going to be a popular response so I am going to brace myself for criticism.

That having been said - I think she's making a great big deal out of what basically is nothing IF the problem is simply going to the strip club.

Would I have a problem with my husband going to a strip club? No. Would I consider it a threat or insult to me? No. Maybe I'm not easily threatened. I don't know

Would I have a problem if he lied about it? Yes.

Why? Because I would wonder what else he was lying about.

---

I would have to agree with you on that. We have been together so long though, she knows me inside and out. She says that I am a changed person now that I made that huge mistake. That she doesn't know me anymore. I've actually tried to find her a male strip club to go to and maybe it may change her views on the whole situation.

When I am home, I am with her everyday, she knows where I am at all the time and I tell her everything that I am doing.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by excon

Hello again, C:

I say again, I wouldn't/couldn't live with someone who thought that of me. I also wonder where your balls went. Aren't you the guy who wasn't afraid to face an enemy who had a gun pointed at your head, but you're afraid to let your wife know what's up???

You DID mention above, that she doesn't trust you because you weren't around to be WATCHED!!! Dude. You're gonna be WATCHED for the rest of your life.

Say bye bye.

excon

---

We have a great relationship, so I am not going to let her go. Plus we have been married for 5 years and have a daughter together. It would be a nightmare to cut off everything that we have together,

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Princess J

First I would like to say Thank you for serving our country..2ndly..OOPS!and 3rdly in my opinion she may never let it go and she may never forgive you.Do you have children together?

---

You are right, she may never forgive me, but there is always hope right? We enjoy the sex together, she just doesn't want to call our relationship a marriage even though we are still married, because of what I did. She says she doesn't want to get too attached, but we already are. We have been together for a long time and have a little daughter together.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Christofanman

It would be a nightmare to cut off everything that we have together,

---

Hello again, Chris:

Maybe I misjudged you. There are two kinds of men in the world: thems who like to be dominated, and thems who don't. If you're in the first group, I'll go away now. I'm a second group guy.

It just wouldn't work for me.. Now, I wouldn't just cut and run. I'd TRY to negotiate a solution... But, if she doesn't inherently TRUST you, I don't think there IS a solution.

This is NOT about strip clubs anyway.. It's about whether she feels worthy of your love. People who have to WATCH to insure they're loved, wouldn't believe they're loved no matter what.

excon

I don't think this is a huge mistake - and I'm a woman. But that is just me.

I agree with everything Excon says.

And as far as the sex between you being good - I've had great sex with people I just about hated so I don't think the great sex = great relationship equation works.

I couldn't/wouldn't stay in a relationship there was no trust and I was constantly proving myself.

I worked as a cocktail waitress, in costume - interesting profession - while putting myself through college. To a certain extent your wife is right - there are a lot of pigs out there. There are also a lot of guys who simply follow the crowd - their friends are going, so they go. There are also guys who simply want to have a drink and be waited on by someone in a bikini. That's how life is.

I think she's over reacting and you are listening to and experiencing her insecurities coming out.

And if it's an issue of trust - well, that's a whole other question.

Lie to my once, shame on you. Lie to me twice, shame on me. But, again, I couldn't live with having to prove myself every day.

I seriously suggest marriage counseling.

Regardless what she thinks, you didn't cheat on her. However--I'm SURE that's how she's seeing it.

You will NOT make it through this without counseling.

Was she this paranoid before you married her? If she was why did you marry her?

As far as going to a strip club... big deal. Looking at women dance nude is NOT the same as picking up a hooker.

Its no different than the difference between her reading a romance novel or watching many soap operas and going out and picking a guy up.

Looking is one thing... touching is another. And besides... has she told you everything she has done, everyone she has talked to, everyplace she went, everything she bought? I'll bet not.

As was mentioned... unless you get off on being dominated, keep in mind you can have great sex with a lot of women... not all but many of them. You ALSO can have a better relationship too.

Its cheaper and less agrivating to get a hooker when you need sex. At least you don't have to put up with her crap the rest of the time.

Relationships or marriages aren't about just sex... its about the between time too. If they are giving you non-stop crap... then why are you keeping them around?

And its damn cheaper to get rid of one at 5 years than it is after 10 years or more... doubt me talk to someone in your unit that's been divorced. Past a certain number of years... she is entitled to half your pension... you won't get away free right now but if you arebn't happy its best to resolve it sooner than later.


And besides all of that... Hell you are in Afganistan, with what you are dealing with every day... I personally think you have the right to see a naked woman every so often. You aren't sleeping with them.

Thank you for your service.

This is not going to be a popular response either, but your wife is a princess.

This is not about you, about the strip club or about infidelity. This is about her and her creating an ongoing drama around something that she could have let go of ages ago.

Ask yourself - why won't she forgive you? Why does she keep bringing it up and making you feel guilty? Why does she behave as if you have betrayed her? Why would she still be holding on to this after a year?

Because she can. Because she is unwilling to let go of something that keeps you apologizing, pleading with her to forgive you, telling her how wonderful, beautiful (add whatever other adjective you wish), etc, etc, she is.

She's a princess and she needs to get over it. Stop with the apologizing. Stop with the everything around this issue. Next time she brings it up let her know you've talked about it enough, you've explained yourself and apologized and that as far as you're concerned the subject is closed.

Let her know that if she wishes to talk about it more, it will need to be with a counselor present, so she can look at why she can't let it go.

Princesses sometimes need a firm hand. Start setting the boundaries.

Morning,

I spoke to my wife about this last night, she knows on the odd cocassion I go to strip clubs with my mates, and she is fine with that

She did make one comment though, she said,

"Your human you make mistakes, your a man and you make more than most"

The point is, if nothing happened other than looking, and you were ashamed of doing so, shows you care about her feelings to think it would upset her, lied about it, and then felt ashamed about that

All in all, you made a mistake, nothing more nothing less, as Gemini states, maybe she needs to see that is all it was

How long after your night out did she find out? How long were you lying to her before she read the banking statement? Did you try to lie after that?

Part of the problem I see is that you and she were and are in a long distance relationship. It's not like you go home every night or even every weekend or month. Realistically, before the strip club and since she found out, how much time have you spent in the same location as she is?

You both are in a difficult position that a lot of military spouses are. The amount of trust has to be extremely high to begin with because you know going into the relationship that you will be spending long months at a time apart. You have to completely trust that your mate will stay loyal to your marriage no matter what temptations may present themselves.

A visit to a strip club where 'nothing' happened may seem minor to most people, however, you obviously knew that it would upset her because you lied. That lie just adds more fuel to her insecurities of wondering if her husband like many other military personnel before him has found a 'playmate' where he is stationed.

I would suggest that if she wants to rebuild her trust in you and the marriage that she seeks counseling to find out why she feels as strongly as she does and how to let those feelings go. She needs to heal her own hurt so that when you return both of you can go to marriage counseling and move forward.

Credit card charge is most likely to pay the bar tab. Unless he tells us otherwise.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by smoothy

Credit card charge is most likely to pay the bar tab. Unless he tells us otherwise.

---

- Just a side note but if you were sneaking around (as she seems to think he was doing) would you put it on your charge card?

Maybe I've been an investigator far too long.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

- Just a side note but if you were sneaking around (as she seems to think he was doing) would you put it on your charge card?

Maybe I've been an investigator far too long.

---

I rarely ever charge things to the card at the store... much less a bar. But I saw people do that all the time.

I preffer to pay in cash... for financial reasons.. and less chance of ID theft the less you use it.

I didn't read any posts... just a quick reply. She might be dealing with trust issues... you two are great distances apart and she has no idea what is going on. She trusted you up till this point but you have done everything to rectify the situation and she still is persistent on not letting it go. There is only so much you can do to apologize and make things better. Giving her love and reassurance appears not to be enough. It is a serious issue for her if she isn't letting it go a year after the fact... if this is causing a major wedge in your marriage now then she needs to seek some sort of counseling to deal with trust issues. Sometimes women have more issues with the "dishonest" part and then begin to have trust issues.

How much is the tab? Was it a large amount? She may be thinking that you didn't just "look" at the girls... the best thing you can do is listen to her since we are so emotional (sometimes annoying)... honestly, she should have let it go a year later especially if your loving, affectionate and caring. If she chooses to stay then she should choose to move past it... punishing you on a continues basis will not bring you future success or happiness in your marriage. You will eventually resent her as she does you and it won't be happily ever after. Seek professional help.

She will never forgive you, because she thinks if she does, you will do it again, so she keeps the guilt going. That's her problem, not yours to be guilty about.

Personally I would care less if she forgave me, or not, she would just have to get over it.

She has other issues besides trust, and that's the face she puts on it, but there is more here on her part, and its fear. She is afraid.

Can't blame her, you're a soldier in service to your country (thanks for that.) Its enough to be afraid when your gone, and its add more fear when you're here.

That's all good but just understand that using her fear to hit you over the head is not fair, or acceptable, after all this time, so stand up for yourself and tell her you love her, but get over herself.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Christofanman

I would have to agree with you on that. We have been together so long though, she knows me inside and out. She says that I am a changed person now that I made that huge mistake. That she doesn't know me anymore. I've actually tried to find her a male strip club to go to and maybe it may change her views on the whole situation.

When I am home, I am with her everyday, she knows where I am at all the time and I tell her everything that I am doing.

---

First I would like to thank you for the service of our great country. May GOD keep you safe.

Your wife thinks that you "have changed"? Well, you have, right?
Have you not seen death and destruction? Possibly even killed?

John Wayne said in one of his movies(Alamo I think) when he was explaining why he was having a punching contest with his men before the Alamo.: "To get lard, you have to boil the hog".

Naked women (men for the women) are, and always been, a part of being a soldier, have they not?

The same goes with profanity, I'm sure, F@!$%$# - A !

Tell her that you went with the flow, to give you a BREAK , and that you only have eyes for her.

Then go to counseling, because she needs some major help with her insecurities.

At this point it is not so much about the incident as it is something else. Even when you take into consideration all the circumstances involved especially not being together on a regular basis thus the 'feeling of hurt' remains unresolved.

I also agree with Tal and Ex, that after a year of facing this guilt and not being able to reach a suitable resolution is unacceptable. It is now, in my opinion, a matter of control, she apparently likes to have you grovelling and this empowers her. Not a position that enjoys any longevity in a good relationship, not productive in any way.

It is time to make a personal evaluation of your future with her. Being subservient is not conducive to a healthy marriage, for either party.

Time for a search for your backbone (in this matter- not a reference to your courage), enough time has passed and you have apologized enough. The particulars of the indecent, at this point, are not the issue now. As I said, I believe that control is.

Time to 'face up.' You will feel better and it may well help resolve this. I feel that it is past time to draw that 'line in the sand' Christofanman and balance things.

And thank you sir, your service is appreciated and respected by me and I am sure by all the members here.

Stringer

How exactly did you try to 'hide'/lie about the strip club?

Is this really the only thing she is upset about or have there been other 'boy's night out' issues?

I am still trying to understand why, if you didn't know her reaction was going to be this strong, you attempted to hide the outing in the first place.

Honestly, I think it's fine for a guy to go to a strip club! My boyfriend and I sometimes for fun. It does bother me when he goes and I'm not there because he spends so much money. It makes a woman feel like they can't do it for you. I told my boyfriend that I can be his personal stripper and he liked that a lot better. It just makes them feel like they aren't as good as those girls. But you got to see it from her point of view. FORGIVE BUT Don't FORGET one quote I hate but I still live by.

Agreed, but unless there have been other issues like this one or something that involves trust... it has been a year. Time to resolve this.

Stringer

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by phlanx

Seems to me that your wife doesn't understand what happens at strip clubs

Its like window shopping with no chance of purchasing, all tease and nothing else.. .

Do she know what happens in these clubs or thinks it's a bordello house?

---

Au contraire. Actually, maybe she does know what happens at strip clubs.

Local News | Feds say prostitution rampant at strip clubs | Seattle Times Newspaper

Quote:

---

The clubs make their money by charging customers a $10 cover charge and $5 for soft drinks, and charging dancers $130 for each shift they work. The dancers make their "rent" back by performing private dances during which they frequently negotiate sex acts in exchange for money, according to investigators. Dancers arrested for prostitution at one club were often sent to work at another.

---

My advice. If you guys are otherwise getting along and she isn't bringing it up, then you should stop asking for forgiveness and stop bringing it up yourself. In time, it will become part of your past and if you continue to be honest with her, then her trust WILL return. I also agree that some of this is a reflection of her fears for you in other aspects.

Unless you really want to root around deeply in all this and go to counseling, I would let this go. Marriages aren't perfect and I don't think you have an absolute right to demand 100% forgiveness. She's being honest in saying it still bothers her. Honor that and leave it alone. You may want some closure on this, but, well, you aren't going to get it, in my opinion, and all you can do by bringing it up is force a confrontation that isn't good for either of you, your marriage, or you child.