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For years my husband 6 years younger then me wanted to spice up our sex life (not our love life) with a 3some, well I teased him for his 40th birthday I would do that. 40th came and went in February 2009. By May 2009 he found out I was having an affair. Now instead of working on our relationship he wants me to make good on my promise to have a 3some. I'm not apposed to it except I think we should be good first. My affair ended 4 months ago.
I think before you bring someone else in, you need to work on the issues you may have. Having another person in the mix is just going to make things more complicated.
And you should talk to him about how you feel. Tell him that you may be more open to it in the future, but you are working on patching up your relationship. Communication is key!
I did tell him that very think. I think we need to fix us first. He doesn't agree.Quote:
Originally Posted by h_leann_b
Are you going to counseling?
Your relationship is already on a very rocky foundation, if any, a three-some experience is the last thing that this marriage will ever need, even if you can find your way back to a healthy relationship.
That's going to be a tough one. Is he one of the give them an inch and they take a foot types? I mean as a guy it MIGHT be seen as an act of attrition, but then it might just be a get even ploy... in that respect, the fix us first thing might be best.
IF you bring another person into the bedroom (which, by the way, you've done, even if you didn't bring that other person in at the same time your husband was there), without ABSOLUTE trust and honesty, it WILL destroy the relationship.
Having a threesome now is probably the worst thing you could do.
However, if you're not in counseling together to get over you cheating, then you may as well just have a threesome--because your relationship has ALREADY lost the trust and honesty--YOU threw it out the door. And having a threesome would be the final hurrah before you kissed the relationship goodbye.
We did the counseling thing. He was so stubburn and angry the counselor could never get through to discuss issues. The 3some thing was never brought up in counseling. He told me not to bring up those things. You know why? Because he's wrong in holding that against me in order to fix some of this I need to make good on my promise/teasing about doing it in the first place. We had even once discussed swinging, but now that I've had my quota of (*****) I can't have that. So he's the one now who wants to get his rocks off and wants me to watch. I've told him to go for it and then he says its not the same since it wouldn't be behind my back.Quote:
Originally Posted by Justwantfair
In that case----get a good divorce lawyer.Quote:
Originally Posted by may162009
Please tell us your kids are out of the house or nonexistant. Please?
This relationship is dead. You two can continue to play appeasement and punishment games for a while if you want to, just to give it a grand send off, but bury it.
Daughter is 16 and would not be home. I have not conceded to his request.Quote:
Originally Posted by Catsmine
The point was your relationship is dysfunctional and toxic.
Time to cut your losses and try a healthy life alone.
What he is thinking is that you should give in and let him have sex with someone else, like you did. This way, it will make him feel he got "revenge".
The real issue is that you had an affair, so you obviously were not happy.
If you go back to couseling, DO bring up the three-some. Have the counsellor talk about it.
I think this relationship is in Dire need of therapy.
Quite frankly, there are some fantasies that I believe should be left as fantasies to be shared only by the couple for their pleasure.
I find it interesting that you want to work on your marriage now after your affair blew up in your face.
As long as he is angry, he isn't going to listen to you. He wants to punish you and seems to be doing a good job at it. Not only that but now he probably feels like he has a means to make you do what he wants.
You can either give in to the emotional blackmail.
Go through with it because you want to as much as he does.
Don't go through with it and see what happens.
Leave the marriage and start over.
With any of those choices I recommend counseling for all of you including your daughter who probably knows more about what is going on than you do. Teens have a habit of finding things out. Especially what you don't want them to know.
He has said to me he wants to even the playing field and party like a rockstar, feel the passion I did. He keeps saying things like I didn't party in my 20's now its his turn. I think he's going through mid-life and blaming what I did for it by using it as an excuse to be a dumbass.Quote:
Originally Posted by bronzebabe
We do need to get back into counseling but I think it should be with a man. The woman we were seeing was a wimp. I liked her but she was too nice, he needed to be stepped on and she couldn't do it. I think she felt threatened. She herself would say I need to feel like I'm safe to talk about stuff, she saw and felt his anger in therapy and knew I couldn't talk about stuff and feel safe. Although he would never lay a hand on me I did feel cornered at times.
He has said my feelings don't count now its all about me. (meaning him)
He's so stubborn.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
He claims he is going to treat me like a marine and break me down and see if I run. He says I should take what ever he has to dish out since I hurt him so bad. You know he treated me like I didn't matter before my affair, now its 10x worse. No appreciation for what I do. I know appreciation and gratitude go both ways in a marriage. We are now 4 months post affair outting, about 3 months ago, he actually said to me "what do you do that I should appreciate you for", hmmmm, lets see. I have worked f/t for 20 years at the same company bring in good salary, cook, clean, mow grass, garden, help cut trees down, raise our daughter (he worked nights mostly), support his street rod hobbie and all that goes with that. Etc, etc. No thanks no appreciation BS man.
Then leave.
You're not happy, HE isn't happy, and I'll bet you dollars to donuts your daughter isn't happy.
So get a good divorce lawyer and get out.
With this part said... I think its beyond saving... because it would take a monumental improvement just to get back to acceptable. Regardless of what happened... one spouse should never treat the other spouse like a pariah.Quote:
Originally Posted by may162009
Why are you staying?Quote:
Originally Posted by may162009
So far, all I have read are reasons to leave. That includes any excuses for having the affair.
Please don't give me the excuse that it is because of your daughter.
I know all the reasons for leaving are right in front of me. I think deep down I know he won't change the way he feels. He's very tunnel vision right now about the affair, that's all he sees. My daughter actually has grown to the idea that I should leave and I think she'd be all right about it. I'm not up for staying for the children unless they are very little. But she is 16 and will be okay.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
I do think I need to give more time, but what I don't know is how much and why should I keep being punished. I have admitted to my mistake, asked for forgiveness. I'm not saying I'm sorry anymore.
What part of "get a divorce lawyer" do you not understand? This is the most cut-and-dried case of "time for divorce" I've ever seen on this list. Time to move on. One of you needs to leave the house. --unless you actually enjoy this endless bickering and sniping at each other about who is a worse person. I'll take your word that he is worse. Seriously. But now what?
You should leave BUT teens are quite vulnerable to divorce. It comes at a time when they are supposed to be establishing their own independence and the disintegration of both the marriage and the family home makes that much harder. Your daughter will need support from someone. If not you, a warm and patient counselor.Quote:
Originally Posted by may162009
Okay. So why do you need more time? What are you waiting for? Are you that attached to him? Find an attorney who knows his or her stuff, stop worrying about who to have sex with next, and start planning a calm and well-organized divorce that includes extensive emotional support and consistent structure for your daughter.Quote:
Originally Posted by may162009
How long are you going to keep punishing yourself by staying?Quote:
Originally Posted by may162009
Are you a man or a woman?Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
How will the answer to this change your response?Quote:
Originally Posted by may162009
You husband sounds like a jerk. But there's no need for the drama to continue. He might like that, but what are you getting out of it?
Start a new and better life.
It won't. But it seems as though men who have had an affair get off easy because the woman/wives are more foregiving and willing to work it out. Whereas men who have been cheated on are so stubburn and not willing. Which shoe do you wear.Quote:
Originally Posted by Justwantfair
A generalization about the sexes isn't accurate.Quote:
Originally Posted by may162009
If you want to be able to forgive yourself and not continue to have your indiscretion used against you, then you will find your way out of this relationship.
I believe that there is a strong possibility that you can not face your reality without another man to take your husbands place, but the facts are unchanged.
You aren't happy (or there would not have been an affair).
Your husband has not forgiven you (or he wouldn't have said he needs a threesome to be even).
Your husband is deluted enough to believe that he can even the score.
You are deluted enough to believe that your husband should be allowed to even the score.
You are only willing to stay in your marriage because you no longer have an affair to leave for.
There are not any reasons to work out this marriage from the feelings you have listed.
You are right about so many things. I just know couples that the man has had an affair and the they get a second chance without as much backlash. Of course I don't live with them. Right?Quote:
Originally Posted by Justwantfair
Funny I wouldn't be leaving my husband for another man now, I don't have one waiting for me. The man I had an affair with is married (25 years) and still with his wife and working it out. We never planned to leave our spouses for each other and run away together.
Is there a time frame? Some people have said they gave 5 more years and still got divorced. I won't do that, I'll be 50. I don't want to get into a committed relationship, I won't marry again. Didn't tell this group of chatters this is my 2nd already.
It probably makes your situation harder because you see your ex-affair able to work out the relationship with his 'forgiving' wife, but you are right about not seeing behind those walls and probably not getting the best information.
Affairs leave behind major battle wounds for both parties, but it takes two people recommitted to the relationship to see a light at the end of the tunnel. You can not do this alone and from the sounds of it, your husband isn't at a point where he can face this. He is just looking for his payback because the wound is so fresh.
You can't turn back the hands of time, but you need to appropriately assess your relationship and the likelihood that there is a light at the end of your tunnel. I don't see one, but you are closer than I am.
The hardest thing to hear is the truth as others see your relationship. There isn't emotional dust to settle on our perspectives, we see the damage, hurt and see a likelihood of a benefit for the difficult effort of rebuilding relationships. Your husband has to be on the same page and I don't see that. Counseling was of no value when you were hiding a crucial piece of information from the counselor.
Thank you for your honesty. Talk more later.Quote:
Originally Posted by Justwantfair
There are guys as well as women who can put something aside and move ahead... there are others who can't get past an incident. Man or woman.. if one partner can't get past something and isn't willing to even try, then it's a lost cause. I does take BOTH parties to try to mend what was broken.
AmenQuote:
Originally Posted by smoothy
May, let me try saying it this way:
You both need space to find a way to work it out if that is what you both want.
The best advice that I can give you (and this is what I would have said before you had an affair) if you can't communicate with your husband and you are being verbally and emotionally abused, then at the very least you need to separate. I am not saying that you have to get divorced. However, you need time and space to decide if the price you are paying for staying in the relationship is worth what you are getting out of it.
Try this, "I can get along without you. When you calm down and want to talk, I will be at the marriage counselor's office. Until then we need time and space to decide what the next step is."
You need to work on the self-esteem that he seems to be trying to emotionally and verbally beat out of you. As long as you stay in the same house as he is, it is just going to get worse.
Staying in that type of atmosphere is punishing yourself.
I was actually all set to move out 8/15/09 w/my daughter to a townhome. Mondy down and the whole bit. When he kept saying he didn't want me to go but didn't want me to stay either. He needs time and space. So I let it go and stayed. Then he tells me after I let it go that if I had moved out that would have been it. What does that mean really.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
The outbursts of his pain and anger have gotten better but yet the silence is obnoxious. We are separated within the same house, me moved into the lower bedroom about 3 months ago. I don't like it. He's a car guy, so I'ved used the statement, "you can't fix or maintain the car if its not in the garage". But he won't come back to our bedroom,yet.
I don't want a divorce yet, I do love him, but its getting harder every day.
May, as we have said, he is still angry. There is no quick fix. No set time limit. No forgive by date.Quote:
Originally Posted by may162009
The only thing that might help is communication and counseling. Neither of those two things seem to exist at this time in your relationship.
You are only hurting each other and your daughter. Does he even think about what all of this is doing your (as in the plural) daughter?
You can try communicating again without anger, hurt, yelling, etc. Listening to each other and attempting to move forward together.
You can try existing the way you are with separate lives under one roof and wait for him to forgive you. That may take decades. I have seen it happen before.
You can accept that staying isn't working and actually move out knowing that it may or may not be permanent, but giving you both time to come to terms with starting a new chapter in your lives.
No matter where you go from here, you need to work on you. Do you have a life outside of work and the house? Some type of hobby that makes you feel good?
Did you talk to him about trying to make it work, and go to counseling BEFORE you had an affair?
Everything you've told us is negative about him. I know he has his faults, but did HE have sex with someone else?
If I missed something I'm sorry.
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