I already saw a similar question but it didn't really help me so I thought maybe this could be better.
I am in a serious relationship for almost 2 years. He is great,I love him,he loves me and we understand each other perfectly. Earlier in the relationship, while he was out, I wanted to find some movies on his computer to watch and stumbled upon various folders of porn. There are pics and vids in various folders AND subfolders. I couldn't believe how much he had. I though he might have enjoyed himself while he was single. I was actually OK with it-better that than paying hookers or having 1 night stands. So after awhile,when we started living together, I was looking for some web page in the history (closed it by accident and needed it ASAP) and noticed weird pages and sites. Some Facebook,YouTube related, others to porn sites.For months I kept quiet about it since I thought we have busy jobs so it's natural both of us aren't satisfied(you know,come back from work,we're tired,we go to sleep). But it's going on for far too long.

Recently he has been tired during the nights,says he doesn't sleep well. I checked history and saw he spent 4-5h on the net viewing porns,sex groups(on fb,he's not a member ,just watches pics&vids) and other related stuff.
Problem no.1: it starts interfering with our lifestyle e.g. during the weekends he sleeps 'till noon or later to catch up on sleep(and we had planned to do things in the morning so we can go somewhere together after).
Problem no.2 (which I don't know if it is related to the porn and masturbation process) Since recently we have more time, I wanted frequently sex. And he didn't. I thought he was maybe stressed or tired but he said he can't now,''save it for tonight''. But in the night nothing,like he forgot. And now he's watching porn and stuff even though we could have regular sex. I think he's maybe avoiding me.
So people PLEASE tell me what you think of this situation. I though he was more attracted to me than the porn start but I'm really starting to ask myself questions. Everything in the relationship is great except for his masturbation/porn stuff which he think's I don't know a thing about.

Sound like a porn addiction. Don't blame yourself. It has nothing to do with you. This is his problem, he must address it. The first step in any addictive situation is to admit he has a problem! Has he done that?

I am not sure weather he is an addict but he has not mentioned it like that or any other way. I am thinking about talking to him about it but I am afraid he'll become distanced from me. I don't know if we ever touched the porn movies thing or masturbation in our talk topics. Usually when we see porns on TV he moves along as though it's boring program. And he said he is one of those guys who don't take sex as the most important brick in the relationship. What kind of approach should I make? I don't wan't to throw away everything else we have.

He seems to have an unhealthy obsession with the porn and masturbation stuff. And that makes for an unhealthy "relationship." I'm sorry but it doesn't sound good to me.

If it really is an addiction should I try to talk to him or should I immediately make him decide 'porn or me'? If I tell him I know about it he'll know I've been checking his web history. And that's a bad start,I guess. I don't even know how to start talking to him about it. I'm just so sick of being rejected again and again,I need to do something about it right now,but I don't know where to start.

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Originally Posted by lillyallen234

Recently he has been tired during the nights,says he doesn't sleep well. I checked history and saw he spent 4-5h on the net viewing porns

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Hello l:

On the scale of right and wrong, snooping into his stuff is about 10 times worse than his whacking off.

The fact of the matter is, you don't have a SEX problem. You have a COMMUNICATION problem.

excon

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Originally Posted by excon

snooping into his stuff is about 10 times worse than his whacking off
you don't have a SEX problem. You have a COMMUNICATION problem

excon

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I'm not saying snooping is good but him lying to me that he just couldn't sleep because of some noise while whacking off in the next room is much worse,at least from my point of view.
And turning me down 'cause he's not in the mood for me but he's in a mood for porns is really upsetting. All I need advice on is how should I try to talk to him,or should I just try and forget all about,ignore it,and live with it.
What is the best way to start communicating about it? An therefore solving the problem. Note this even though it maybe solely a communication problem it is affecting my sexual life. Or should I start doing his thing too,and like that we'll both be happy?

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Originally Posted by lillyallen234

What is the best way to start communicating about it? An therefore solving the problem. Note this even though it maybe solely a communication problem it is affecting my sexual life. Or should I start doing his thing too,and like that we'll both be happy?

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Hello l:

I don't know how your communications are going to turn out. Maybe he'll turn off the computer and spend all his time in the sack with you. Or, maybe you're start digging porn. Who knows where communications leads, except to a better understanding of what's going on.

The best way to start, is start. Tell him that you snooped, and what you've found - and let the communications begin. Look, you may find out that you're not compatible. Ok, then find it out.

excon

A way to open the conversation would be to find some porn he hasn't seen yet and ask him about it, is it interesting, is it hot, is it boring. Ask if he wants to try something you found in his history (providing it's safe, sane and consensual) or something like that.

That opens the door to discussing how much, when, why not me, etc.

Definitely TALK TALK TALK. Let him know how its bothering you. Even the most loving and devoted husband won't know something bothers you if you don't tell you. He may be perfectly willing to give it up for you .

Maybe you need to come clean, tell him you was a snoop, and you have been spying on him, Ask is there something he would like to teach you that you haven't learned yet. Bring him back to bed honey, and keep him there. Before it's to late for good.

Not liking the adice so far
First snooping is nothing compared to a porn crazed partner neglecting you,its your right to snoop especially if you share a computer and he isn't smart enough to erase his stuff,I mean if its right there that's not snooping geez get real.
Second porn addiction has been and well so likened to heroin addiction in fact its close to being the largest treated desiese in rehab passing up drugs,its serious.. but
And here's the big hairy but..
Don't ruin everything over it especially since you guys haven't addressed this issue yet.try to find some on the computer,like when you pulled up what you saw and just calmly go to him <timeing is everything make sure there's not a bunch of other isssues on the plate.>
And talk about it and in that talk ask him am I not enough for you? Do you need this stuff? And tell him how it makes you feel.I wouldn't stress your sex life because if it works and he cuts it out your sex will naturally get better.
This is coming from a been there done that guy,<dont make me tell the story but I cut it out and we are fine now,although she didn't address it the way I am telling you she kind of went ballistic and it took months to get it right.if you do this right it might only take weeks lol

Introduce him to amhd

Well, for me I'm 19 and I do watch porn. Now one idea that came to my mind is well.. You two have been dating for awhile and over time the sexual spark can go.(Not that it can't be lit up again. Your going to have to get him off the porn, but not in a forceful way. Intice him. Ask him of fantasies he's had and try and experience them with him. Don't ask if him if he'd like to have sex while he watches porn because that would be mean to you. Plus hey if I could watch porn and get the same feeling I get from sex why would I care about pleasing my partner. Try new positions( They don't have to be ridiculous ones.) If he's in control when you have sex see if you can take control, he might like it. Or vice versa. I hope this helps.

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Originally Posted by zippit

not liking the adice so far
first snooping is nothing compared to a porn crazed partner neglecting you,its your right to snoop especially if you share a computer and he isnt smart enough to erase his stuff,i mean if its right there thats not snooping geez get real.
second porn addiction has been and well so likened to heroin addiction in fact its close to being the largest treated desiese in rehab passing up drugs,its serious..but
and heres the big hairy but..
dont ruin everything over it especially since you guys havent addresed this issue yet.try to find some on the computer,like when you pulled up what you saw and just calmly go to him <timeing is everything make sure theres not a bunch of other isssues on the plate.>
and talk about it and in that talk ask him am i not enough for you? do you need this stuff? and tell him how it makes you feel.i wouldnt stress your sex life becuse if it works and he cuts it out your sex will naturally get better.
this is coming from a been there done that guy,<dont make me tell the story but i cut it out and we are fine now,although she didnt address it the way i am telling you she kinda went ballistic and it took months to get it right.if you do this right it might only take weeks lol

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YOU AND I ARE ON THE SAME PAGE ^^: Now as for the OP, I had a similar situation with my boyfriend. Only mine was smart enough to erase it, he did however store it in folders. I told him how it made me feel initially but he didn't seem to fully understand it. Then we started having more and more issues some pertaining to the porn thing and my subsequent insecurities, and some other things... but anyway I told him that I didn't like it. It made me feel as if I alone didn't satisfy him and him needding to look elsewhere for it was a slap in the face. He told me he would stop for me because he loved me and didn't want me to think less of him or myself... so he really stopped. And that's what a real man does. Just tell him. Be soft about it. Don't be cross. But if it helps channel the pain that it has caused you so he will not only hear your words but maybe feel them to. Know that even though it maybe an addiction his love and respect for you and your feelings should overpower it if he really LOVES and NEEDS you

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Originally Posted by zippit

not liking the adice so far
first snooping is nothing compared to a porn crazed partner neglecting you,its your right to snoop especially if you share a computer and he isnt smart enough to erase his stuff,i mean if its right there thats not snooping geez get real.
second porn addiction has been and well so likened to heroin addiction in fact its close to being the largest treated desiese in rehab passing up drugs,its serious.

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Hello z:

Please show us some statistics that show porn addiction is bigger than drugs... I don't think you can.

Besides, snooping, is snooping, is snooping. If she fixes his porn thing, and she still snoops, the relationship is still broken.

excon

I said porn addiction is almost over coming drug addiction and I didn't say this but will in high end rehab centers

I'm EX this is where we will have to agree to dis-agree I think simple snooping is healthy in any relationship,business,personal you name it.I want to know who I'm dealing with.its just me and no slight on you'r part.

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Originally Posted by zippit

i said porn addiction is almost over coming drug addiction and i didnt say this but will in high end rehab centers

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I'd like to see the statistics on this.

As far as snooping goes - I often work on surveillances. Do you know what I tell a person who wants his/her partner followed? If it's gone this far, get out. If you have lost all trust, get out. Doesn't matter what I find out. The trust is gone, the relationship is over.

I would rather live with someone addicted to porn than someone who found it necessary to snoop and spy on me. I had a husband, not a second father.

I am a little confused by your post that you had a similar problem and things are fine now in light of this post - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental...th-360516.html.

Judy come on..
So your telling me that hiring P.I. to track you'r partner is the same as uggg opening up a web-history page?
We'er talking about simple snooping,not survielance please

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I am a little confused by your post that you had a similar problem and things are fine now in light of this post - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental...th-360516.html.

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Again.apples and oranges that post is what I'm dealing with now the sexual thing was handled after we first got married 99"
Thanks for going out of you'r way to TRY and make me look like a hipocrite though I appreciate that,but I didn't work:eek:

Also judy things have gotten a little better since that post ,so if I say things are good that makes me a liar?

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Originally Posted by zippit

im EX this is where we wil have to agree to dis-agree i think simple snooping is healthy in any relationship,business,personal you name it.I want to know who im dealing with.its just me and no slight on you'r part.

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Got to disagree with this. If you can't trust your partner, then you don't HAVE a relationship.

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Originally Posted by Synnen

Gotta disagree with this. If you can't trust your partner, then you don't HAVE a relationship.

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I agree with you, I'd also take offense to any woman that was sneeking around spying on me as well.

Sleep depravation is a real thing... I can relate to his sleeping in when not working, but have you tried adjusting your sleep schedule to get more hours during the week.

If he would rather spank the monkey then have sex with you, then the relationship has issues, I can't say WHAT the issue is, just that there are issues that have not be vocalised by him, have you talked to him about it yet? And if when you just aren't in the mood for sex then you have no right to tell him he can't spank it to relieve the need.

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Originally Posted by zippit

again.apples and oranges that post is what im dealing with now the sexual thing was handled after we first got married 99"
thanks for going out of you'r way to TRY and make me look like a hipocrite though i appreciate that,but i didnt work:eek:

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It is not uncommon - in fact it's pretty standard practice - to look at other posts in order to determine where someone is coming from, to help evaluate advice. Very often people post one thing on one thread and something else on another.

You are attempting to define what a "healthy relationship" is. You believe it includes spying and snooping. I don't. I wanted to see what else you have to say about marriage and why you are of that opinion.

I didn't try to make you look like anything other than what you are. Our posts speak for all of us.

I simply don't see the point of posting personal advice and experience on one thread which contradicts personal advice and experience on another.

And, yes, I think hiring someone to snoop and doing it yourself are the same thing.

I also think if you are going to snoop, be prepared for what you MIGHT find. This thread is a perfect example of that. She snooped, now she doesn't know what to do.

Maybe he genuinely can't sleep... I had a boyfriend who suffered from persistent insomnia, he also had a substantial porn collection as it would help him relieve the frustration of not being able to sleep, However if he would rather masturbate to porn then have intercourse with you, then he is being lazy and not considering your needs or feelings.

You need to talk to him, admit what you found and try to use it to your advantage... it could spice things up a bit.

I have to spread the rep judy, but good point about snooping and not liking what you find.

Honestly, I read this and I didn't like the ay most of the answers were put either. So here's my 2 cents honey...

Ok, so you snooped. I've done it myself when I felt like something was off in my relationship. So let me tell you from a seasoned girlfriend and now wife. Stop! Right now! While you may have a great relationship, a thing like checking up on him because you are feeling insecure and noticing changes is not healthy for either of you.

If him checking out the pornies when you aren't around is bothering you enough to ask strangers about it online, you probably already know you need to talk to him about it. Asking if you should force him to choose is basically saying you have already decided the porn is a no-go area in your relationship. I'd suggest not doing that either. If you love him, you need to try to keep a very open mind when talking to him about it, remember, he has no idea that you know, so when you pounce him with the discussion, he won't be thrilled.

No one likes being called out on things we do privately, even by our significant others. It can be humiliating, and because he's never talked about it with you, "acted like its boring", when you flip by it on TV. He probably sees it as a faux pas. Try to keep those things in mind when you talk to him.

As for the amount of time he has spent doing this lately. It can easily become an addiction, I am not certified to guess if it is or not, but if it interferes in HIS daily life, then it's not so healthy. Just be aware that up to this point if has been his decision, and isn't an issue you should feel insecure about. (Yeah, I know, not very comforting.)

I do agree that it's become, at least for you since he has no clue, a communication issue. Because you are seeking advice you do clearly want to discuss it, so take a step out of the box and give him the benefit of the doubt. For him it may be another issue entirely, one that you haven't thought of, wouldn't that be an easier answer? Chances are, it's more complicated than that, but you won't amend anything cooling your heels and mulling it over. Talk to him, replace the trust by not allowing yourself to search out the irregularities, and if you do both of those and it doesn't work... Try giving him a b/j under the computer desk one night. (That was a poor attempt at humor, unless it works, then I accept all credit for the idea and an righteous.)

I hope this helps you clear your head over it. I have been there, and it does suck. But I meant what I said about replacing the trust, now that you have looked for answers without talking, you are going to have to do some work too. Just don't let him off the hook with a flimsy answer.

Hi Lilly, This might be a possibility, When men look at porn they see all sorts of kinky stuff going on in them, different positions, kinky stuff ETC; Maybe he likes a lot of what he sees in those movies, and is obviously masturbating, and fantasising at what he sees, he is more likely imagining that its you he is having all that wonderful sex with and then comes. This is the crunch part then, he may be afraid to ask you to join in with him in those possible vile acts of sex, thinking you would refuse or be disgusted with him. Ask him is he kinky. A lot of people are kinky but don't tell their partners. Good Luck to you both.

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Originally Posted by Dinnymurf

Hi Lilly, This might be a possibility, When men look at porn they see all sorts of kinky stuff going on in them, different positions, kinky stuff ETC; Maybe he likes a lot of what he sees in those movies, and is obviously masturbating, and fantasising at what he sees, he is more likely imagining that its you he is having all that wonderful sex with and then comes. This is the crunch part then, he may be afraid to ask you to join in with him in those possible vile acts of sex, thinking you would refuse or be disgusted with him. Ask him is he kinky. A lot of people are kinky but dont tell their partners. Good Luck to you both.

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Vile acts of sex? What do you consider to be kinky and/or vile?

What is your reference for the "most likely" opinion that he is picturing her when he's watching porno and masturbating?

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Originally Posted by Dinnymurf

Hi Lilly, This might be a possibility, When men look at porn they see all sorts of kinky stuff going on in them, different positions, kinky stuff ETC; Maybe he likes a lot of what he sees in those movies, and is obviously masturbating, and fantasizing at what he sees, he is more likely imagining that its you he is having all that wonderful sex with and then comes. This is the crunch part then, he may be afraid to ask you to join in with him in those possible vile acts of sex, thinking you would refuse or be disgusted with him. Ask him is he kinky. A lot of people are kinky but dont tell their partners. Good Luck to you both.

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Sorry, but as a fan of porn since I could get away with watching the darn stuff, I have to disagree. Sometimes it really is just a sick morbid fascination with watching. But that's my own experience. Who's to say he even thinks it's so wonderful, or would want to do some of those things in real life. Honestly, the first time I saw fis7ing I freaked out for a week and didn't want to even think about being sexual with my partner. It can be like watching the discovery health channel... You just can't stop watching. It may not be the case, but you should be aware that this is something that could happen, when it starts to become an addiction it can be much the same. Even if you want to stop, you just can't help it.

As for the kink factor, you have a better idea than anyone else if he is a kinkster or not, but I am still going with my other answer, take a deep breath honey, and talk to him openly. Sex is never vile if it is safe, sane, and consensual. MANY of us *looks around and grins* consider this term differently, it's all about how you define it for you.

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Originally Posted by Dinnymurf

Hi Lilly, This might be a possibility, When men look at porn they see all sorts of kinky stuff going on in them, different positions, kinky stuff ETC; Maybe he likes a lot of what he sees in those movies, and is obviously masturbating, and fantasising at what he sees, he is more likely imagining that its you he is having all that wonderful sex with and then comes. This is the crunch part then, he may be afraid to ask you to join in with him in those possible vile acts of sex, thinking you would refuse or be disgusted with him. Ask him is he kinky. A lot of people are kinky but dont tell their partners. Good Luck to you both.

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You need to expand on what you consider kinky... to many women that is anything outside of missionary position :confused:(yeah I've known women like that), while to others that might involve farm animals.:eek:

I'm sorry but I'm stuck on the snooping deal
I can't believe the ones who are against it,and comparing it to hiring p.I. and stalking can back up they're claims.
Let me ask this if snooping is a sign that you don't trust someone and therefore your relationship is invalid,than how do you get to the point of trusting someone?
Another words your dating you don't know them from adam in time you have a relationship are you just going to take everything this person says as truth or I know your going to follow your own heart right judy?
Bullcrap.snooping is how you keep a relationship honest,its how you know your mate is right with you and for you.
My guesse is the ones who have a proublem with snooping are single I'm not sure and it dopesnt really matter.
Just someone tell me how your going to know your dealing with a upstanding,straight person without a little snooping

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Originally Posted by danielnoahsmommy

sound like a porn addiction. Dont blame yourself. it has nothing to do with you. this is his problem, he must address it. the first step in any addictive situation is to admit he has a problem! Has he done that?

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Yeah the man loves his porn you got to bring it o him and show that's your realer than the girls there , etc.

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Originally Posted by zippit

im sorry but im stuck on the snooping deal
i can't beleive the ones who are against it,and comparing it to hiring p.i.,and stalking can back up they're claims.
let me ask this if snooping is a sign that you dont trust someone and therefore your realtionship is invalid,than how do you get to the point of trusting someone?
another words your dating you dont know them from adam in time you have a relationship are you just going to take everything this person says as truth or i know your going to follow your own heart right judy?
bullcrap.snooping is how you keep a relationship honest,its how you know your mate is right with you and for you.
my guesse is the ones who have a proublem with snooping are single im not sure and it dopesnt really matter.
just someone tell me how your going to know your dealing with a upstanding,straight person without a little snooping

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I'm married. Have been for 8 years. Have been with that man for 13 years.

How do I know I'm dealing with an upstanding, straight person without snooping? By trusting that person until they betray that trust. That has something to do with what they SAY, but MORE to do with what their ACTIONS say about them.

I don't know my husband's email password--but if I asked for it for some reason, he'd give it to me. I don't know his Blackberry password, either--but I know if I asked for it, he'd hand it over.

You learn about people BY trusting them. If you HAVE to snoop to learn about someone, well... that says something negative about YOUR personality.

Well I'm talking about snooping and I bet if your husband was to talk you have done some sort of snooping,this a made to look way more than it is,I'm talking about inocent snooping.

What are you calling "innocent snooping"?

Seriously--to me, you either trust someone or you don't.

If you don't--why are you with that person in a relationship anyway?

Tell me FIVE examples of "innocent" snooping.

Let me say this.if you read this whole post I got sucked into the snooping thing my defending the o.p.'s act of looking into something that was right there in front of her face on the computer,she didn't snoop in my book.if you and I share a computer and I come to it and a page is up and I read it if you want to call that snooping so be it.however since this post I was thinking of snooping and I agree with the comments of a lot of the non-snoops i.e. trust being the cornerstone of a happy marriage.so I asked myself
Hey dumb dumb what snooping do you do if your going to defend it and I actually don't do any I don't know if it's that I don't care,or I trust her I think when we were first dating I did lets say verify something's but let me leave my side of it here,I guesse after you;ve gotten to know someone and accepted them into your circle than snooping is in-appropriate.

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Originally Posted by zippit

let me say this.if you read this whole post i got sucked into the snooping thing my defending the o.p.'s act of looking into something that was right there in front of her face

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Hello again, z:

Yeah, I'm the one who sucked you in too. I understand minimizing what you call innocent snooping. However, it might becoming apparent to you that not everybody snoops, even a little bit - ever.

I think trust issues far and away are more important that sex issues... Trust is like pregnant. You either have it, or you don't. There ain't no middle ground. Once it's gone, it's gone forever.

In fact, trust, or the lack thereof, might just be at the heart of sexual issues. I, for one, think it is. So, I don't think it's innappropriate for people here to be honing in on those things.

I did kind of blind side you with it, and you've been a good sport about it. I think some good came out of this - for everybody.

excon

I think sometimes people can go through periods of having the urge to snoop on their significant other. I get those little urges with my fiancee' but I don't do it, just not worth it, because I really do trust him. He talks to friends online,who belong to an art communtiy and he has men as well as woman friends in this communtily, and there is that "curiosity" factor to know what they are talking about. I know mostly its about art, but sometimes I do wonder... but he has never given me a reason to NOT trust him. That's the difference. He is very open and honest with me about what he talks to his female friends online.. and from what he says its innocent. I could never imagine myself snooping. Because I wouldn't want him to snoop around on me, that would be devastating and it would show some things about the kind of relationship we had. We can say all we want about a little snooping never hurt anything, but that's usually all fine and good until its done to you. I can't imagine ANYONE in any relationship wanting to be snooped on.

Im from the old school belief that I trust you till you give me a reason not to. That goes for friendships as well as relationships.

Trust is a main component to a relationship, without it you have nothing.. and once its gone its impossible to get it back. ITs better to start a relationship trusting a person then going into it with your hackles up.