Okay so I didn't know whether to put this is Dating or Adult sexuality so I figured this would be my best bet.

My boyfriend and I have been going out for 10 months now.
We are not just each others "better halves" but we are best friends.
I have never met someone that I had so much in common with, and that I feel so close to.

Anyway to get to my question:

Why does it bother me when he watches porn?
We have talked about it many times and I have always told him that I have been cool with it.
But for some reason I get this pain in my heart every time I know that he is.

Today I was on his computer and I went to type "Google.com" into the URL box and it came up with pre-searched items... many which included sexual things.

Out of curiosity I clicked the items it came up with and was a bit upset with what I saw.

I know that it's natural and, hell, I even do it once in a while.
But it's almost like I am so uncomfortable with my body that I don't want him looking at other girls because I feel like he does that because he hates the way I look naked.

I'm not a skinny girl. I have gain a little in the past couple of moths due to heavy stress and I am just not that comfortable with the extra weight on my body.

It's not even that he is looking at a man and woman have sex, it's that he is look at pictures of girls. All lonesome and by themselves.


I want, so badly to just be okay with it all.
I hate hate hate the fact that this bothers me.

He doesn't hide it or anything. I mean, he doesn't have anything to hide!!
And it's not even that we have a bad sex life! It's amazingly wonderful!

I don't know what's wrong and I really am uncomfortable with myself for this.
I really don't want to talk to him about it because then he will think that he has done something wrong and he hasn't! I don't want him to stop watching porn just because it upsets me.

I would rather just get a better understanding as to why I am upset rather than for him to change.

I hope someone can help... I feel horrible =(

Another thing, I have read some of the other thread about porn issues.

They don't exactly answer my question so please be kind.
Thanks

You feel bad when he watches porn because you get the feeling that he would rather do that than to make love to you. And I would think that would be rather disheartening. Have you ever ask him why he watches it.

I think in your mind that you are competing with the actress' in the porn scenarios. Don't compete with fantasy women doing unrealistic and unhealthy sex.

Have confidence with yourself, girl. Continue to learn and grow in many areas of your life and you'll be an interesting woman well deserving of a good lover. :)

Best wishes, :)

You answer your own question in your own thread. You hate that he watches porn because, and I quote, " it's almost like I am so uncomfortable with my body that I don't want him looking at other girls because I feel like he does that because he hates the way I look naked".

You uncomfortable with your body and feels that he's looking at porn to view other girls bodies.

You need to build up your self-esteem and love the skin your in. Get naked and look at yourself and love what your looking at. Start there.

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Originally Posted by letmetellu

You feel bad when he watches porn because you get the feeling that he would rather do that than to make love to you. And I would think that would be rather disheartening. Have you ever ask him why he watches it.

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Actually,
I know he would rather have sex with me than look at pictures of naked woman.
And I know why he does watch porn.
Because it arouses him.

It's that simple.
That's not my question.

I want to know why it bothers me.

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Originally Posted by Choux

I think in your mind that you are competing with the actress' in the porn scenarios. Don't compete with fantasy women doing unrealistic and unhealthy sex.

Have confidence with yourself, girl. Continue to learn and grow in many areas of your life and you'll be an interesting woman well deserving of a good lover. :)

Best wishes, :)

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Thank you =)
I think this may help

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Originally Posted by liz28

You answer your own question in your own thread. You hate that he watches porn because, and I quote, " it's almost like I am so uncomfortable with my body that I don't want him looking at other girls because I feel like he does that because he hates the way I look naked".

You uncomfortable with your body and feels that he's looking at porn to view other girls bodies.

You need to build up your self-esteem and love the skin your in. Get naked and look at yourself and love what your looking at. Start there.

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I only wish it was that simple.
I almost think that I knew this is what the problem was.
I mean, I know it's all self esteem... I just... wish it was easier to fix it.






In the end, it's not why he watches it or the fact that he even does watch porn.
It's just the fact that I need to be happier with my body...

Hi there , well I lisened to how you felt about him watching it, and its OK for you to be upset about him watching it, sometimes whe you love some one that is watching another naked woman on porn you might be feeling that he prefers her more then you, or you wish you could make him feel the way the lady in the porn does, well I don't know if that's true or not to u , but you got a few ways to stop all that or atleest try to...

1) Tell Him how you feel , that you don't like it, but I'm guessing you don't want to?

2) pretend to get caught watching it yourself , with a real fit man in the movie, that might make him feel what you are, then when he asks you why you was watching it , if he does turn around and say well you watch it , etc...

3) beat the crap out of him , lol

4) ask if why he likes to watch it , and tell him you don't like it . Then try and do things with him that might be better then him watching it...

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Originally Posted by saminaaaliyah

hi there , well i lisened to how you felt about him watching it, and its ok for you to be upset about him watching it, sometimes whe you love some one that is watching another naked woman on porn you might be feeling that he prefers her more then you, or you wish you could make him feel the way the lady in the porn does, well i dont know if thats true or not to u , but u got a few ways to stop all that or atleest try to...

1) Tell Him how u feel , that you dont like it, but im guessing you dont want to?

2) pretend to get caught watching it your self , with a real fit man in the movie, that might make him feel what you are, then when he asks you why u was watching it , if he does turn around and say well u watch it , ect.....

3) beat the crap out of him , lol

4) ask if why he likes to watch it , and tell him you dont like it . then try and do things with him that might be better then him watching it..........

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Okay, once again

I know he doesn't want to be with the person he is watching.
I know that he doesn't prefer porn over me.


That's not what this is about...







I realize you guys are trying to help but please just read it closely...




(End of y me... Sorry -_-)

I don't what kind of answers you want because nobody is mind readers. Only you know why it bothers you, nobody else. So how much more reading into your thread do you want us to do?

It all boills down to insecurity... when you feel good about yourself, you will not be thinking you don't measure up.

Fact is he chose you... never forget that.

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Originally Posted by liz28

I don't what kind of answers you want because nobody is mind readers. Only you know why it bothers you, nobody else. So how much more reading into your thread do you want us to do?

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I actually liked your answer...
So I'm not sure why you said that.

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I want to know why it bothers me.

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Because your insecure, and feel threatened, by him watching what you think are your competition, for his attention.

I have never watched porn and thought hey I wish my partner looked like that!

The appeal of porn is watching someone's sexual experience, it's not about watching to imagine yourself in the sex scene with that person.

You said that you have watched porn yourself, is that the feeling that you have when you are watching? Thinking about this may help you accept that it's just porn, it's not a replacement for you as a person.

It bothers you because its cheating,in the most fundamental sense.
He is having fantasy sex with someone else.
I don't allow it in my home.If he wants to masturbate ,he has to use his imagination.

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Originally Posted by artlady

It bothers you because its cheating,in the most fundamental sense.
He is having fantasy sex with someone else.
I don't allow it in my home.If he wants to masturbate ,he has to use his imagination.

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How is imagination sex any different than fantasy sex?

I have never watched porn and imagined myself with those people.

Sorry, love you Artsy, but I do disagree that it is cheating.

Why do you think there is something wrong with you. That you have a problem, or that your feelings are not valid, or you gained a few pounds. Maybe you are looking at this the wrong way.

The problem is he does the porn thing online. It's not like he's surfing for car parts, or reading news headlines. He's searching for porn for sexual stimulation, and he likes it, and sees nothing wrong with doing it.

If he were paying to view the porn, would that make your concerns feel a little more legitimate? While you are paying the bills and coming up short on the cable bill, he's spent money on porn?

Porn is fantacy. Women in real life do not look like that because they don't have a crew of hairdressers, makeup artists, personal trainers and directors. Like a disney movie that can turn you into a bubbling bowl of jellow over the Lion King, so too can porn serve a purpose to arouse a man.

Don't look at these women as competition or that you are somehow supposed to compare or measure up to them. Think of them as cartoon characters, scripted and positioned in a really predictable story line. Put hand here. Make this face. Go ooooh and ahhhhh.

Maybe looking at them a little more realistically might give you a better perspective of yourself.

You really need to talk to him about this. You said yourself that you two are best friends and if this is upsetting you so much you need to let him know.

If you were doing something that was upsetting to him wouldn't you rather know about it and deal with it openly and honestly? Rather than let it sit and fester within?

It would be good to work out a solution together :)

Really isn't a "Solution" he needs to work on. If she gets like this over porn... then he won't be able to go to the beach or the Swimming pool because there are women, some very attractive running around in teeny bikinis... then forget Baywatch or any number of TV shows... Chearleeders at the ball games, THe Victorias secret catalogs, the mall, the Grocery store, etc...

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Originally Posted by smoothy

Really isn't a "Solution" he needs to work on. If she gets like this over porn...then he won't be able to go to the beach or the Swimming pool because there are women, some very attractive running around in teeny bikinis....then forget Baywatch or any number of TV shows....Chearleeders at the ball games, THe Victorias secret catalogs, the mall, the Grocery store, etc...

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I didn't saw that I didn't accept it.
I understand why he watches it. That's not the issue.

Try reading what I wrote. It will disprove everything you just said.

If you accepted it then it wouldn't bother you. Its not something you can have both ways.

And yes I did read what you wrote. An alarming number of women project their own insecurities onto their male partners, and get upset if they so much as look at another woman... notice I'm talking Look, not flirting with other women. Big difference between them.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

Really isn't a "Solution" he needs to work on. If she gets like this over porn...then he won't be able to go to the beach or the Swimming pool because there are women, some very attractive running around in teeny bikinis....then forget Baywatch or any number of TV shows....Chearleeders at the ball games, THe Victorias secret catalogs, the mall, the Grocery store, etc...

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When I said "solution" I was suggesting that they work together to help her with her problem. I'm not saying that he has a problem because he looks at porn. Only that they need to talk about it so she can get her issues out in the open.

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Originally Posted by Jentau

When I said "solution" I was suggesting that they work together to help her with her problem. I'm not saying that he has a problem because he looks at porn. Only that they need to talk about it so she can get her issues out in the open.

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The problem is it more likely than not antagonize HIM. I'd say the same thing if he was giving her crap about recording General Hospital to watch religiously every night and he had to talk to her about the problem of soap operas. (thats just an example)

But only she will know for sure... maybe.

As long as he's not flirting with other women its something she needs to learn to accept as just being the way things are. My wife for example knows guys look, she has no problem with me watching porn when I feel like it, or gawking at outstanding women locally, in fact she points out the ones I miss, we have fun with it together. Conversely she does have a major issue if I'm chatting up beautiful women on the streets and flirting. And I agree the former is fine while the latter isn't in the confines of a marriage.

I see your point smoothy and you're right only she knows how he would react. He doesn't know she feels this way since she's told him before that she's fine with it. And could be difficult to hear.

Maybe the poster just needs a bit of reassurance from him, until she can learn on her own to be more comfortable with her body.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

The problem is it more likely than not antagonize HIM. I'd say the same thing if he was giving her crap about recording General Hospital to watch religiously every night and he had to talk to her about the problem of soap operas. (thats just an example)

But only she will know for sure.....maybe.

As long as he's not flirting with other women its something she needs to learn to accept as just being the way things are. My wife for example knows guys look, she has no problem with me watching porn when I feel like it, or gawking at outstanding women locally, in fact she points out the ones I miss, we have fun with it together. Conversely she does have a major issue if I'm chatting up beautiful women on the streets and flirting. And I agree the former is fine while the latter isn't in the confines of a marriage.

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First of all I do, once again, accept the fact that he watches porn.
My question was not about him it was about me.

If my brother were to drop out of school and join a circus I would accept that.
I may not agree with it but it doesn't mean that I don't accept it.

Acceptance and agreeableness are two different things.

I don't mind the action itself.
The other night, we actually had like an hour long conversation about our porn preferances.

Both of us gave out imput.
So it's not about the porn itself.

I also know that he doesn't want to date porn stars
And I know that he loves me.

Also, we can watch TV or be looking at a magazine and he will say "She's pretty" or "She's hot"

And that doesn't bother me.
Most of the time I will agree with him.



This whole subject matter is about the feeling I get when I come across porn he looks at.

It's shameful but I want to look appealing to him, just like most girls do.
I just feel like I could do better in the appearance section... I just don't know what to do.

My boyfriend is an extremely sweet guy and I know he loves me dearly.
I don't fear him leaving me for someone else or cheating on me.

It's not about that.
Many people that responded to this helped me figure out that it's all about myself confidence.

I have grown up with constant critical abuse from family which makes it hard to accept myself.


You seem to have grouped me in with "every all of the other jealous girlfriend types"
And I don't see it that way.



Perceive it how you may but I disagree with you completely.

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Originally Posted by BedHeadRed

First of all I do, once again, accept the fact that he watches porn.
My question was not about him it was about me.

If my brother were to drop out of school and join a circus I would accept that.
I may not agree with it but it doesn't mean that I don't accept it.

Acceptance and agreeableness are two different things.

I don't mind the action itself.
The other night, we actually had like an hour long conversation about our porn preferances.

Both of us gave out imput.
So it's not about the porn itself.

I also know that he doesn't want to date porn stars
and I know that he loves me.

Also, we can watch tv or be looking at a magazine and he will say "She's pretty" or "She's hot"

And that doesn't bother me.
Most of the time I will agree with him.



This whole subject matter is about the feeling I get when I come across porn he looks at.

It's shameful but I want to look appealing to him, just like most girls do.
I just feel like I could do better in the appearance section... I just don't know what to do.

My boyfriend is an extremely sweet guy and I know he loves me dearly.
I don't fear him leaving me for someone else or cheating on me.

It's not about that.
Many people that responded to this helped me figure out that it's all about my self confidence.

I have grown up with constant critical abuse from family which makes it hard to accept myself.


You seem to have grouped me in with "every all of the other jealous girlfriend types"
and I don't see it that way.



Perceive it how you may but I disagree with you completely.

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First of you are twisting the definition of "acceptance" within an inch of its life and then some.

Unless you are able to admit this to yourself you will not be able to move past it.
From acceptance - definition of acceptance by the Free Online Dictionary, Thesaurus and Encyclopedia.


ac·cep·tance
n. 1. The act or process of accepting.
2. The state of being accepted or acceptable.
3. Favorable reception; approval.
4. Belief in something; agreement.
5. Abbr. acpt. a. A formal indication by a debtor of willingness to pay a time draft or bill of exchange.
b. A written instrument so accepted.

6. Law Compliance by one party with the terms and conditions of another's offer so that a contract becomes legally binding between them.

Now the very fact you get so upset over this tells me you have not in fact accepted it yet.

If you truly want to get past this you really do have to admit this to yourself first so you can move on to the next step.

I think the word fidelity applies here.

If I came across porn on my husband's computer, I would feel hurt and betrayed. I should think that if he came across porn on my computer, he would be a bit baffled too.

Just stating an honest opinion here, but I would first wonder why he needed to do that, and secondly, because it is about sexuality and getting turned on by it, why is that needed at all, when he has me, and everything is okay in the sex department.

It has nothing to do with my self-image of my body, or that I'm a prude, or that I am unwilling to try new things etc. but rather it has everything to do with sharing him with another source for a sexual need.

Likewise, if he spent time in topless bars, or strip clubs, I'd feel the same way. If I found a stack of porn magazines under his bed, that too would bother me.

But not in the sense I thought something was wrong with me, just why does he need more than me.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

I think the word fidelity applies here.

If I came across porn on my husband's computer, I would feel hurt and betrayed. I should think that if he came across porn on my computer, he would be a bit baffled too.

Just stating an honest opinion here, but I would first wonder why he needed to do that, and secondly, because it is about sexuality and getting turned on by it, why is that needed at all, when he has me, and everything is okay in the sex department.

It has nothing to do with my self-image of my body, or that I'm a prude, or that I am unwilling to try new things etc., but rather it has everything to do with sharing him with another source for a sexual need.

Likewise, if he spent time in topless bars, or strip clubs, I'd feel the same way. If I found a stack of porn magazines under his bed, that too would bother me.

But not in the sense I thought something was wrong with me, just why does he need more than me.

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See that is coming from your own insecurities... it has nothing to do with fidelity in any way shape or form. Did he chat up those women? did he go out with them? Did he sleep with even one of them? See the answer is no. Being bothered and expecting him to keep his eyes down for life... never gaze upon another female, etc... you know just like the Taliban imposes through threats and intimidation in Afgahnistan.

Actually thinking you can command another human to not even look at something is not acceptable behaviour. In fact taking such a stance is one sure fire way to drive a man off. Would YOU appreciate getting the third degree from a man who controls who you look at, what you watch, who you speak to, and who you associate with?. See where I'm going here, that's called Abuse, and controlling behaviour is abuse be it from a man or from a woman.

While I respect your opinion Smoothy, I'm about as far away from being an insecure person as you can get.

And, after 33 years of marriage, I can tell you, there would be no porn on my husband's computer. Never has been, never will be.

Nor would there be any on my son's computer either.

That's just the way it is in my house. :D

I think partners should define the boundaries of their relationship, and if they can both agree to give each other enough space, to do what they like, through communications, and compromise, then things can work. But insecurity, and fears should be expressed, and an effort to overcome them, must be the responsibility of the partner with the problem, and the other must support those efforts.

Making stringent rules, or demands that are not realistic, is a disaster waiting to happen, as we humans are not perfect, but we are responsible for being open minded enough, to give space, and respect.

Porn isn't an issue in my house, but I can see where it could be in others, but that only means more honest communications, and a willingness to work together, to the benefit of both is the only way to go.

If there is a problem, is it worth being miserable over it? Or breaking up? Is your way the only way??

A problem is only as big as you make it.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

While I respect your opinion Smoothy, I'm about as far away from being an insecure person as you can get.

And, after 33 years of marriage, I can tell you, there would be no porn on my husband's computer. Never has been, never will be.

Nor would there be any on my son's computer either.

That's just the way it is in my house. :D

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In my house we respect each other... but we also respect each others space, and each others diversions.

My wife doesn't get all insecure with porn... or hot looking women on the street. I don't get all insecure about her soap operas. She doesn't dictate who my friends are, and I don't dictate who her friends are. And believe me... there would be problems if anyone did try to dictate that. I've tossed aside more than a few women that thought they could and would dictate those aspects of my life.

Here's my take as a porn peruser in a committed relationship.

• Yes, there are things that I would change about my girlfriend's appearance. Specifically I'd love it if she got a set of DD implants. It's not happening, and I'm good with that, as it's her body and occasionally she lets me touch it.
• I watch porn mainly for the situations and picture myself with her performing said activity. Yes it helps if the person in the clip is attractive as it helps if I lose focus, but it all comes back to her.
• I love my girlfriend and have no plans to run off with "Candy Dejour" (fake name don't bother) as I feel largely fuffilled by our relationship, even if I have to barter for "special" events.

If you're disturbed with what you saw, ask him about it, if it doesn't involve pee, poo, blood, animals, or kids consider trying it, if it does... RUN!

Okay, the man who just answered your post is a complete arse.
Obviously he has no idea that the women in porn are all airbrushed and faked up. Men are dumb pigs clearly. Don't worry my darling... you are beautiful, the world is mean place don't let it