My boyfriend and I have been together for year have a good sex life. However, his sexual needs are now far greater than mine and we are both unhappy with the situation. I do everything I can for him to 'satisfy' him yet often he doesn't want sex either but is unable to get rid of his own hard on. Prior to our relationship he was able to masturbate but now cant.

The situation has gotten so bad we have both been in tears because I was not up for sex and he couldn't masturbate.

The amount of pain he is in, and the frequency of this problem, his guilt, and the effect it is having on our relationship is very distressing for both of us.

I cannot seem to come up with a solution so I was wondering if anyone recognizes this problem, or has advice. I'm not even sure what I am asking for, I just don't know what to do to who to talk to.

I have not yet found anyone in a similar situation. There seems to be no answer but we don't want our relationship destroyed by this.

Please help!

Hello end:

I've never heard of anyone who couldn't wack off. THAT seems to be the problem - not that you have different needs.

Maybe you could try wacking him off.

excon

He is betting childish... Unless he wasn't born with at least one arm then hand he is fully capable of taking care of himself. Don't fall for the Bullcrap story he is trying to feed you. And before he even tries... no man (or child in his case) in the history of mankind has ever been injured or died from blueballs.

That "Pain" it's a total lie and you fell for it. Flat out tell him you aren't that stupid... march his but into the bathroom and use his hand... He's either the worlds biggest liar... (claiming he can't masturbate") or the biggest loser in history that doesn't know how (he does... he's telling a lie)

Jeeze... dump his sorry butt and find someone more mature... and at least a beter liar.

We are both very open and honest and this is a real problem. Please do not assume I am just a gullible idiot, its not even an issue. I find it quite offensive that you assume he would be lying straight away.

We have tried many different solutions but simply doing nothing and ending up with 'blueballs' makes both of us miserable anyway.

PLEASE NOTE: For future answers please take this for a very real relationship problem or do not bother answering.

Hello again, end:

Oh, WE believe it's a problem - just not the problem YOU think it is.

You say you have tried MANY different solutions... What are they? Exactly WHY can't he shoot his load?

excon

excon - I haven't heard of anything like this either which makes it all the worse. He is so embarrassed and feels so guilty for having this problem that he has promised not to bother me or say anything simply to make my life easier. He is scared of losing me over this, but like me is at a loss over what to do :-(

. But knowing that he is suffering quietly does not make it all go away and he really is not the type of man to complain about anything unless it is serious.

He says that when he tries to come, even when he is desperate for release it just doesn't feel nice or doesn't feel much of anything at all. He is very depressed and constantly apologises for all of this. Please keep in mind that when I am up for it out sex life is very satisfying for both of us and he is a very considerate lover.

We have tried everything from me doing everything for him, to me doing nothing for a while, to me doing voice recordings or being in the room while he masturbates, me playing with myseld while he watches. He can come if he masturbates for AGES with me. I have even watched porn with him but he just can't seem to come without me helping.

Listen... I am a man... ANY man that has at least one functioning hand and isn't suffering ED can masturbate. If you can get him off he is perfectly capable of getting off himself. Plain and simple... you never said he is incapible of getting off in any manner.

His only suffering is that his sperm receptacle of choice isn't jumping at his every beacon call.

THis guy is lying through his teeth... and you fell for it. And yeah... Like I said, I'm a guy... I've heard so many stories over the years louts have suckered women into believing its staggering.

And yes some guys can get really childish about it. While a woman is prefferible to a hand... if it works with one, it will work with the other.

OK smoothy. Lets just consider for a moment that he isn't lying? What man is going to admit that he can't jerk himself off? Perhaps this is why it is not so well known. Anyway why would he lie and then encourage me to not feel guilty and to just do what I feel comfortable with?

Forget it, you obviously can't offer me any help. But thanks for trying to understand anyway...

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Originally Posted by endofmyrope

OK smoothy. Lets just consider for a moment that he isn't lying? What man is going to admit that he can't jerk himself off?? Perhaps this is why it is not so well known. Anyways why would he lie and then encourage me to not feel guilty and to just do what i feel comfortable with??

Forget it, you obviously can't offer me any help. But thanks for trying to understand anyways...

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Well, its clear you are such an expert at what makes men work or not that you have it all figured out... If that's the case why are you hear arguing about it here then. Sorry if I have to be so brash about it but YOU basiclly said I as a man don't know anything about men... or women for that matter.

The man is lying... plain and simple... He does not WANT to masturbate... and he's being childish about it. If you preffer to believe his made up story that's your prerogative. But don't go around bashing others because they don't agree with you.

Want to know why he says what he does... ever hear of a thing called manipulation... some men just like a lot of women will say or do anything to get what they want... and some are quite skilled at manipulating others by saying exactly what they want to hear. And I can see this in what you have said...

What do I have to gain by BS'ing you?. Nothing...

What does he have to gain by BS'ing you? THink about it.

Ok well thanks for your advice. I want trying to say you were bullting, and I understand your point.

I live with my boyfriend and we are very close and I cannot believe he is lying. I have too much evidence that says otherwise. When this all started I considered he was lying but please believe that after everything we have been through there is no question in my mind. He is deeply depressed and humiliated and although it would be easy to just say 'he is a guy he must be lying to get sex' you just cannot fake some human emotions regardless of gender.

I am just out of options so I am sorry if I have been harsh in my responses. I am just desperate for help and it feels (even if its not intended) insulting for a stranger to claim they know my partner better than I do.

So sorry and my sincerest thanks for your help but I will continue to seek advice on this and I will continue to support him as I am confident enough in our relationship to trust him completely. I might look foolish to you but walking away from the man I love and trust is not an option.

Once again I'm sorry if my words have offended you, but you must at least understand the need to automatically defend someone you love.

Hope there are no hard feelings :-)

Oh, I believe that you believe what he has told you. But seriously... take a step back, look at this through the eyes of others.

You have a guy that's obessessed with having sex far more often than you want or can deal with, you are both very young.

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Originally Posted by endofmyrope

My boyfriend and I have been together for year have a good sex life. However, his sexual needs are now far greater than mine and we are both unhappy with the situation. I do everything I can for him to 'satisfy' him yet often he doesnt want sex either but is unable to get rid of his own hard on. Prior to our relationship he was able to masturbate but now cant.

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read this part again of your original post... its not that he can't masturbate... its that he doesn't want to. So what does he do... lay a guilt trip on you, like its somehow your fault and your responsibility. And he's done a pretty good job at it too. I'm 47... and believe me I've seen too many guys do this my entire life... and I have done it myself in my youth. So while it might be new to you, its nothing I haven't seen before and hasn't been happening since mankind developed the gift of speech.

A kid does this.. he tries to make you feel guilty to have his way, he isn't the first, and certainly won't be the last... but a mature adult deals with it or works towards making you feel that you want it more often by making the environment conducive towards you, not by pressuring you.


You don't give your ages, but I'm willing to take a guess that you are both younger than 25. Maybe closer to 20 based on the fact he hasn't learned to deal with his hormones yet. A man does not HAVE to have sex every time the urge strikes, (I'd be having it more than a dozen times a day if I did), and he tempers his behaviour to suit. A boy thinks he does have to have it every urge , and behaves thus like he has no impulse control.. just like a 3 year old having a tantrum if he doesn't get his toy or candy bar when he wants it. That's just an alalogy... but spend time around young kids and you will see a parallel.

Just because you can get an erection several times a day doesn't mean you have to get off in some manner several times a day. Like I said I'm 47, and yeah I could if I wanted several times a day. But do that several times a day and it becomes harder to reach orgasm each successive time that day.

If he uses a little self control for once and holds himself to once a day I bet his "Problem" goes away.

Again you don't specify numbers here... is it that you are up for say, once a day, but he wants 3 -4 times a day? If that's the case then that's his problem. Sex can easily become an obsession for a guy up until the early 20's assuming a partner fascilitating it in some manner. Again that's something most people learn to control. Quality over quantity thing... If once is good then 5 times is 5 X better? That's Not the case here... there are dininishing rewards as the daily numbers increase.

The problem your boyfriend is having is called delayed ejaculation. Please read the enclosed website for some further information.

MedlinePlus Medical Encyclopedia: Delayed ejaculation

I think you may need to reread my posts. I specifically mentioned that he assures me its not my fault and does what he can to minimise the impact on me. We are young but not all young people are naïve. I can stand up for myself. If I had that issue I wouldn't even be seeking answers... I would be too busy blaming myself. When I said I do everything I can to 'satisfy' him I simply meant that I did my best to help him without demeaning myself. I didn't explain that very clearly sorry.

I'm reading this over and over again... and it says that he can't masturbate. There is no known medical condition that ends with a man not being to masturbate when he is erect.

As far as ejaculation, that's a different story. Not being able to ejaculate is called anejaculation...

Anejaculation - when a man cannot ejaculate

However, if you're saying that this guy isn't even willing to try to masturbate, I'm iffy about it.

Thanks for the link Justwantfair - sounds like something to look into. It seems like we will just have to see a sex therapist to get this sorted...

I think the biggest positive is that he is being honest and upfront with you, when I know that is the most difficult part.

Keep supporting him, it will mean the world to his recovery.

Good luck to you and God bless.

Situational anejaculation sounds the most like it - but this site says its in unfamiliar situations like a clinic? Will keep it in mind.

Just to make it clear for all. He can ejaculate through sex and oral sex and hand jobs but has more erections than I can help him with (while keeping myself sane). Seems to have an abnormal amount of erections often unwanted and painful which disturb his sleep, his work and his time with me. He is unable to ejaculate from masturbation even when erect (it just ends up more painful and frustrated). I know... its f***ed up but its for real.

Once again, thanks for any help you can offer.

Oh and yes he has definitely tried masturbation. As you can imagine it is very humiliating for a man to not be able to do this, and he feels like a failure :-(

Thanks Justwanfair :-)

OHHH now I know what you mean.

He may be suffering from a variation of priapism... in which a man has a constant erection. Granted, full blown priapism is when a man gets an erection for more than 4 hours, your boyfriend seems to be having them from time to time.

You can read about it here

Priapism - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I think no matter what although he is embarrassed, he NEEDS to visit his doctor soon.

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Originally Posted by endofmyrope

I think you may need to reread my posts. I specifically mentioned that he assures me its not my fault and does what he can to minimise the impact on me. We are young but not all young people are naive. I can stand up for myself. If I had that issue I wouldnt even be seeking answers...I would be too busy blaming myself. When i said I do everything I can to 'satisfy' him I simply meant that I did my best to help him without demeaning myself. I didnt explain that very clearly sorry.

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That's exaactly why I am 110% certain that's exactly what he's doing... I've known too many guys personally that did this to girls they dated... and bragged about it to other guys.

Ever hear or use the let down by a woman (or a guy)... "Its not you its me"... You bleive that is true? Manipulation doesn't always have to be accomplished by dishing it out directly at the other person... in that persons mind the end justifys the means.

As far as Naïve... You would have to apply that term to yourself or not.. ( there are many different degrees of Naive) but lets just say that at a young age you lack the life experience to see certain things for what they are that an older person will. That's what Statutory rape laws are on the books for. On your 18th birthday you aren't suddenly bless with the wisdom of ages overnight.

You may think you know everything... That's the blinders of youth. THe older you get and the more you learn the more you understand how little you knew about everything when you were young, and understand how much you misunderstood then. And that process never stops until you die or develop Alzheimers. Like I said.. I'm 47 and still learning...

Yeh that kind of scared me eh. Priapism sound serious but even if its just a mild variant or something similar, the long term damage isn't worth risking. Thanks for that. I will get him to get it checked out as soon as I can. Better safe than sorry.

Thanks, will do some more research on it.

Rule out any medical problems first, he has to go to his doctor and explain what's going on.

Now, if he refuses to se his doctor then you have to ask yourself why?

I'm on the fence here. It could be medical, but I've know guys just like him that claim they can't get off by themselves. I didn't fall for it for long, trust me, once I said no, they found a way to get over their "issues" and took care of it themselves.

Time for the doc, that's your first step.

This is obviously a psychological/relationship problem.

My opinion is that he is dominated by you in a very unhealty way and the only way he can escape your intrusiveness is to go ejaculation-less when you are around because he knows that will upset you to no end.

This is a very unhealthy relationship, in my opinion.

Each of you needs therapy to get back on a healthy track.

Best wishes going forward, :)

Until reading your last handful of posts, my response could have been titled "i'm sorry, but are we missing something?". I started by attempting to figure out if you were trying to say that your boyfriend has some kind of a problem with his hands. Since you've made it clear that he's able enough to make the attempt, the next option was as a pickle problem. Personally, I can't say I've ever heard of a man suffering from an excess of erections that is so severe that no single man or woman can keep up with them, which brings them both to tears. Well, it doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. But wouldn't you think to call a doctor with something like that going on?

I was also going to ring in with the same opinion that has already been brought forth, which is that guys lying about the blue ball story is classic. This is a fact. If a guy is jerky and horny enough, and if he thinks he can get away with it, he'll pull the blue ball card while putting on his best "poor me and my sensitive places" face. However, the falling for it is usually reserved for teenagers who don't know any better. So one option was, plain and simple, that your man is a big manipulator.

Now, while that was a legitimate possibility, I do think that there is something more unusual going on here. The first thing that he needs to do is visit his doctor. Any potential medical causes need to be ruled out. Don't self-diagnose with pieces you gather from the internet. What I don't understand is why this hasn't come up with you two already. At least, from the tone of your earlier posts, it doesn't sound like you've been considering a physiological issue in this. Since he is able to achieve orgasm through other means (as in you), physical causes might wind up being ruled out. However, there's still the unidentified explanation for all of this physical pain and suffering. Clearly it's far, far from normal. Get him to a doctor.

There's no doubt that something else is playing a starring role here, and that's his melon. There is so much psychological drama happening, obviously between the two of you and certainly in his own head. Some of this might be causing the problem, and some of this might be caused by the problem. It's not necessarily something he has to be conscious of. I saw an interview with a man who was extremely fetishist about hair. Take that hair away and he won't climax. It's not healthy. Your relationship isn't sounding especially healthy either, at the very least regarding the intimate part of it, and the longer this goes on, the more damage it's going to do.

He needs to see a shrink who specializes in sexual issues. The two of you need to see a relationship counselor. And lastly, you should consider if your role in this relationship is helping or if it's codependently out of whack. I get that love can sometimes make you feel the pain felt by the ones you love, but the extent to which you're suffering, the defensiveness and the apparent anxiety are all beyond that.

I have no question that you really are suffering in this situation. But something is very wrong, and since you're not professionally qualified to handle it as a medical specialist or as a clinical therapist, you need to pass it on to the people who are.

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Originally Posted by endofmyrope View Post
I think you may need to reread my posts. I specifically mentioned that he assures me its not my fault and does what he can to minimise the impact on me. We are young but not all young people are naïve. I can stand up for myself. If I had that issue I wouldn't even be seeking answers... I would be too busy blaming myself. When I said I do everything I can to 'satisfy' him I simply meant that I did my best to help him without demeaning myself. I didn't explain that very clearly sorry.

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You're not going to like this, but I think you are demeaning yourself, and I think it's also that he's demeaning you. You might not think so, but using you as a necessary orgasm machine is absurd. What's going to happen if you have to go out of town for the weekend? Will he have to call in the prostitutes night and day? If he weren't in a relationship, all of this wouldn't be put onto his woman. It's *not* your problem, no matter how much you're making it out to be. I'm not buying the story about him not making you feel guilty about it since you clearly are. If you really are the only one putting your own feelings of guilt into this, then you need to address that as an unhealthy character issue in your life. I think it's great that you want to help him, but don't sacrifice your own mental health to do that. It won't help the situation at all.

"Prior to our relationship he was able to masturbate but now cant"? How is that? And if he's in so much pain, why hasn't he gone to the doctor yet? He's got a medical problem and he should have addressed it himself. (By visiting a doctor). I don't think you should be fretting over the frequency of your sexual encounters. Many couples end up with different sexual needs and they learn to live with it. Not all his erections must end up in sex. In any case, masturbation is a healthy part of one's sex life so he needs to get medical help, not more frequent sex.

There is no possible way he can have too much pain to masturbate to get off but not have any issue with intercourse... to get off.

If he had a real medical problem it would hurt like hell having intercourse as well... the motions are the same.

Sorry, I've had male Plumbing my entire 47 years of life so far and I know how it works... intimately. And yes its still in perfect working order.

I am 110% certain he is manipulating her to get what he wants when he wants it, as often as he can get it... and he overreached on his BS story with this one.

The possible way has to do with him psychologically, not physically.

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Originally Posted by Justwantfair

The possible way has to do with him psychologically, not physically.

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He is claiming serious penis pain is a BS excuse... not a mental block from some freak masturbation accident where his priest caught him and joined in...

Pain with it in his palm WILL equal pain with it in her... well coochie. And that there isn't is a dead giveaway.

Just a play on the classic lie of all times... Blue Balls... There are still jerks that use that on girlfriends... and there are girlfriends that ignore all advice and still believe that line of crap.

And he is employing reverse psychology based on the OP comments so far.

You say he's aroused for sex but doesn't want it... so what happened to make him aroused?

If he masterbated before you met, then it's common sense that he can still masterbate now or are you saying that he is having involuntary erections?

That is a main blood supply area, so any emotional stress could cause this.

Does it happen throughout the day or only when he's around you?

If it's involuntary and it happens throughout the day then he must go and see a doctor, it could be hormonal imbalance, which can be detected by a simple blood test.

If it only happens in your company, then he is obviously having sexual fantasies which he wants fulfilled.

If he is not prepared to relieve himself via masturbation or intercoarse I can only suggest a cold shower, this usually does the trick for any man.

It does seem that you are trying to sort out a problem for him, when he should take control himself, which I think is the root of the problem.

endofmyrope, could you just clarify some things for us? I really think it would help if you could share more information on the pain issue.

1.> when does the pain start? In other words, does the pain start as soon as the erection begins, or is it only after a certain amount of time has passed? If it's the latter, how much time passes before the pain starts?

2.> exactly where does the pain occur?

3.> does the pain disappear as soon as you begin "satisfying" him, or does it go away as soon as he has climaxed?

4.> if left "unsatisfied", how long will his erection remain?

Here are some other questions that have also come to my mind:

5.> I'm assuming that these erections are involuntary and that he isn't watching porn before he goes to bed, etc. By the way, if you are sleeping next to him in the nude or walking around in sexy lingerie, I would definitely cut those out for now. Anything bound to give him an extra erection wouldn't be helping the situation any.

6.> you mentioned that his sex drive is significantly higher than your own. What is his idea of the right amount of daily or weekly sexual activities according to his drive? And what would be yours?

I can only imagine how confusing all of this must seem for you. I think the solutions are actually quite simple. You just have to have enough healthy information on this situation to be able to approach it in the most constructive way. Also, remember that this site is based on a community of people with a myriad of perspectives, and being able to use these different perspectives really is an asset. Remember, all of this is being done to help *you* in the best way possible. Okay? It's the truth.

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Originally Posted by endofmyrope

excon - i havnt heard of anything like this either which makes it all the worse. He is so embarrassed and feels so guilty for having this problem that he has promised not to bother me or say anything simply to make my life easier. He is scared of losing me over this, but like me is at a loss over what to do :-(

. But knowing that he is suffering quietly does not make it all go away and he really is not the type of man to complain about anything unless it is serious.

He says that when he tries to come, even when he is desperate for release it just doesn't feel nice or doesnt feel much of anything at all. He is very depressed and constantly apologises for all of this. Please keep in mind that when I am up for it out sex life is very satisfying for both of us and he is a very considerate lover.

We have tried everything from me doing everything for him, to me doing nothing for a while, to me doing voice recordings or being in the room while he masturbates, me playing with myseld while he watches. He can come if he masturbates for AGES with me. I have even watched porn with him but he just can't seem to come without me helping.

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He's afraid to lose you over blue balls? Lol! Tell him to shut up. Stop being so gullable. He can masterbate.