Ask Me Help Desk - My boyfriend and I have a horrible sex life!

My boyfriend and I have a horrible sex life!

My boyfriend and I have a horrible sex life!! I'm so confused because I never had any problems with sex before mean we rarely have foreplay and the worst part is we never kiss EVER! Its been like this since we first got together and when we do have sex its always the same thing! I mean I feel so unattractive that I don't even want to have sex the odd time he tries, I'm so self conscience I’m worried of not going to be able to turn him on, we've been together for two years I love this guy and I know he loves me, but honestly I don’t know what to do? And I mean I’m still young and if I can't do it for him now what will it be like later? I know he enjoys woman because we’ve watched porn and we’ve recently had a 3some and he was fine. I don’t get it I honestly had never had problems with guys being turned on by me!

I don't think you should take his lack of care personally. You two don't seem to be communicating very well in the bedroom, but he responds to a 3 some?

Things won't change unless you work together, and change them. A lot of talking and listening.

Sounds more like his problem then yours. Maybe he is just really crappy at it?

Communication is key to a healthy relationship! You need to tell him how you feel and what you need. Say it straight forward because he's not a mind reading machine. Plus, from what I have experienced, they're not too good at that and will only lead you to being hurt.

Well if you don't feel attractive you close yourself off and he will distance himself from you also. Anyway that's not the point the point is GET THE HELL OUT! If you are with a man that has no problem sharing you, as in a 3some, then he is NOT and I repeat NOT in love with you and has NO respect for you! GET OUT GET OUT!

Wow thanks so much for all your answers I never knew so many people would respond its so nice to see different point of views. Anyway I honestly don't even know how to start talking about it, its so freakin strange and weird.

I wanted to correct something in what I just wrote. The weird and strange part is that I feel uncomfortable talking to him about it I was always able to speak up and get what I wanted and the way I liked it.
The 3some was my idea I wanted to do it and he shared me with a girl. He is not really into adding another guy, however I am I love trying new things.

Could that threesome and your adventurous nature have him feeling inadequate? Or maybe he is not as adventurous as you. You need to talk and find out what's going on in his head, gently and without judgment.

The 3some was recent so no I don't think so, and to add to that he wouldn't have sex with her in front of me which seemed really weird it was more of an oral thing which is also a thing of his he rather be receiving it. I mean I feel as if he just doesn't like it with me or around me and is maybe getting it somewhere else I don't know and how do I even start talking about this to him I mean I feel as if he is going to somehow turn it around or become defensive?

Hello p:

Intimacy happens in your head, not in your organs. If you screw and don't talk, it's just sex...

If you were intimate, however, talking is as easy as sex.

excon

I think it depends how you approach him with it. Ask him what he likes, and doesn't like, just to get started.

Dear POlish girl,

You have lost your self-confidence and have grown so needy that you accept sexual neglect. He knows you are needy and pushes you around and devotes NO time to your sexual needs and probably other needs. It's all about him, and you servicing him, I bet.

Get out! There are plenty of men, and plenty of GOOD MEN.

Don't sell yourself short at such a young age. There is happiness ahead for you, get a backbone, and find someone else. Don't spend any time blaming yourself.

KIndest regards, :)

You had a 3some, now just having sex with you isn't going to be enough for him.. if you truly love someone you wouldn't be able to watch them have sex with someone else. I wouldn't even bother to try and spice things up because its already going down the tubes.. unless you don't think that sex is a big deal.

What is so bad about what is, or isn't, happening?

Not enough kissing? Some people just aren't kissers. My lover is one. I miss it dearly... and she tries to accommodate as she can, but it isn't the same as passionately kissing someone lost in the moment. Id gladly swap one orgasm for five makeout sessions that didn't end with sex... but then I like a little sexual tension. If I could change anything about my sex life, with a great partner, itd be kissing. I love it. She doesn't so much.

But outside of that, you aren't very specific... is his drive low? Not enough sex? Bad sex? No orgasm for you? For him? Why did you suggest the 3some?

Spell it all out in detail. Just can't work with "its bad"... lots of ways it can be bad...

Please post more.

I agree with most of these people, you really should just talk to him about it. Things aren't going to change if you just sit around and hope they do. You have to have a talk with your boyfriend about what's been bothering you and how things need to change.
Good Luck(:

So again thanks for the comments, and yes I agree with most of you we need to reconnect and open up to each other. I think sex is important but for me it can be both a very intimate thing and an exotic thing. The reason I suggested 3some because I enjoy how a girl knows what another girl likes so basically again it goes back to the whole communication part.

What I meant by “bad” I feel that he doesn’t take the time, its like when we do have sex its rare and not enough foreplay. I also wanted to add that this is the only area that I feel we have a problem with I have known him for a long long time before we dated we were like best friends, and no we weren't "buddies" we had no sexual contact of any kind until we started to date. The first time was horrible and very awkward. He was always uncomfortable talking about sex and about the idea of having sex with random people, to this day he says how different I am then most girls he dated. He was in long term relashionships and he had less sex partners then I which is different but I'm not ashamed of it.. He is a very attractive guy and he had his opportunities but I remember he would never have sex with them he would typically just make out with them which is really weird considering the fact we don’t. Anyway ….

I also wanted to say that I have mentioned it however only when we have an argument and sometimes I'll acuse him of cheating because we don't have sex that often and I ll say its not normal for a guy not to want to have sex!

That's not fair!

You have sex with a guy that won't even kiss you?. and you keep going back for more? Why? You can do far better than that in a man.

Maybe he sees you as more of just a friend rather than a sexual partner...

I wanted to correct myself when I said we never kiss, we do kiss but nothing involving tongues and never during sex

OK, that does change things somewhat. And would require rethinking the situation.

I may be completely wrong here, but it sounds like he's just not that confident where sex is concerned.

It's time to sit down, tell him what you like, give the guy a bit of direction. Most guys don't understand a women's body until a women tells them. You know what you like, don't make him guess.

Communication is key. If you can't talk to your lover about sex then you shouldn't be having sex. It takes two people to have good sex, and it takes two to have horrible sex. Talk to him, in a non-confrontational way.

Good luck.

Damnit, how do all these lucky guys get women to have a three-way?

Quote:

Originally Posted by polish princess

The 3some was my idea I wanted to do it and he shared me with a girl. He is not really into adding another guy, however I am I love trying new things.

Hmm, that might be it then. Because it was your idea, he probably feels like he can't satisfy you (a huge blow to his manhood) and that you need to have all these wild experiences. Men do fantasize about stuff like this too, but not with their girlfriends and wives, nor women who they want to be their girlfriends and wives.

A woman who is more sexually active than me is intimidating, he may feel the same way.

A three-way is a hot idea in the beginning of the relationship (for me anyway), but after you've had enough time to build a foundation, fall in love and stake a claim in one another, it's not as attractive.

After a little over a year of dating, I couldn't share my ex-girlfriend even with another girl (not like she ever wanted to involve another girl anyway, probably 'cause she knew how bad I wanted it).

I think everyone feels different about how? When? What is? Or isn't acceptable in a relationship. I don't think anyone should really put a time frame on it because what feels attractive to one person after a year may not be necessarily the same way another may feel and if you can do something in the beginning why not do it at a later time. I mean when I got in to this relationship, I got in to it for the long run with the hopes that one day I will be a wife. The 3 some was my idea.
Anyway The 3some has had no good nor bad impact on the relationship nor did it affect our sex life in any positive or negative way... its still not happening!!
Maybe one of you is right he sees me only as a friend??

The sex isn't the problem, the way you relate to each other is. I'll bet you can be quit intimidating and down right mean and cruel.

Quote:

however only when we have an argument and sometimes I'll accuse him of cheating because we don't have sex that often and i ll say its not normal for a guy not to want to have sex!!

I would have more than a few resentments, and if this happened often enough, no amount of sex would be worth putting up with th behavior.

Quote:

Originally Posted by polish princess

I think everyone feels different about how? when? what is? or isn't acceptable in a relationship. I don't think anyone should really put a time frame on it because what feels attractive to one person after a year may not be necessarily the same way another may feel and if u can do something in the beginning why not do it at a later time.

Don't take it the wrong way, I was just giving my personal reflection.

I'm certain your ferocity just scares him. He knows you're upset and unsatisfied with your dead sex-life, and you even told him how unmanly asexuality is (daggers in the heart). He probably thinks you're cheating on him; the trust in your relationship is or will go out the window. Be careful.

I understand your frustration as I've been there before, and in the end it just didn't work out. But, I've also had a girlfriend who wanted sex all the time, and later on I came to find out that it went beyond that. She just needed attention all the time (is this you?), it drained me and at the end of the day I couldn't have sex with her and she belched the same stuff your saying now about attraction and even accused me of cheating. I tried explaining to her that I need time alone to recharge and she just didn't get it.

Wow maybe you 're right maybe I do push too much and put too much pressure on him and it just turns him off, and yes I like getting his attention sometimes I can get a little to "grrrr" and I have accused him of cheating before which I know he wouldn't do. I do want us to work out because he is a great guy. ANd sometimes I do get cruel and mean.

So I would think one good solution is to talk about it not use it against him. I totally respect all the advice and answers I have been getting, I'm just wondering on how we can have a fun sex talk without getting to serious cause I know that if its to serious it would just cause stress and that feeling of anxiety!