My daughter and her husband live with us. They have 2 daughters ages 6 months and 18 months who share a room with them. I overheard them having sex this afternoon while their 18 month old daughter was lying in her crib awake. I know she was awake because I heard her talking while the bed making bouncing noises associated with sex was going on. This is a small room and one end of her crib touches their bed. The ends of her crib are not solid but have bars instead which means she can see them and they can see her. I confronted my daughter about this and she admitted her daughter was awake but was not looking at them. While that may be true, she can still hear. My concern is for my granddaughters. Is it illegal for them to have sex while she and/or her younger sister is in the room? I would think at the very least it is not the right thing to do.

Obviously it's probably not a positive thing for the child. However, I seriously doubt they're any laws against it. Such a law would be intrusive to families. I'm sure you could talk to a social worker if you are that concerned. However, I wouldn't suggest it as a first step. I'd talk to your daughter and her husband about it first.

I saw a similar question asked in here and a Christian expert said that in most states there are laws against it. I have confronted my daughter about it and she got upset. I was using the toilet at the time and I couldn't help but hear them. I realize that as married people that they have a right to have sex, but that they should not be doing it with their children in the room. I'm really surprised it didn't kill the mood for both of them. That would have done it for me.

I don't know what that expert said, but no, there are no laws against this. One might stretch this as an endangerment to the welfar of a child, but it would be a stretch.

And how is anyone going to know about it? You going to turn your daughter in? The only way this would become an issue is if its part of a pattern of neglect of the children.

I would try to turn this around. I would assume your daughter and her family are experiencing hard times that have resulted in them moving in with you and sharing a room. So I would make some offers to watch your grandchildren so they can have some alone time. I would also see what can be done to expand the living quarters or maybe get some screens to separate the kids part of the room.

Your daughter and her husband are entitled to physical intimacy. Especially if they are experiencing some hard times. Forcing them to be chaste will just put an additional strain on their marriage.

This room is small and there is no room for dividers. Adding on to the house is not an option as we are low income ourselves. Their bedrom is right next to the bathroom as is my bedroom and they can't help but be heard when someone goes in the bathroom whether it's to use the toilet or whatever. I don't have a problem with them having sex, but they need to do it at a time when no one is up or no one is home and moving around in the house; I sure don't want to hear it. If I have to go to the bathroom real bad, I am certainly not going to wait until they are done to do so. I could watch them, but I do more than the average grandparent does in the way of babysitting and doing things for my grandbabies, a lot more. Whatever happened to my house, my rules? I will not have them corrupting my granddaughters. I honestly don't see how they could be in the mood for sex with one of their babies in there anyway. That sure would kill the mood for me.

I notice you didn't give any explanation as to why they are living with you.

I'm sure you are a helping and concerned grandmother. But I do believe you are making way too much of this. I seriously doubt that they are close to corrupting your granddaughters.

While I agree with the my house, my rules sentiment, rules, in such a situation need to be tempered with common sense.

My son-in-law lost his full time lumberyard job at the end of July and 2 months later they were kicked out of their apartment. He is now working nights at the local Walmart, 28 hours a week which is not enough for them to afford their own place. It's not just my granddaughters that I don't want exposed to that. I don't want to hear it, either, and if I have to go to the bathroom, I am going to go. They have a right to have sex, but their timing is lousy. Common sense should tell them that having sex during the day is not a good idea when there are not only their babies here, but 3 other people as well- me, my hubby and my 30 year old autistic son. It's not fair for us to have to restrict ourselves to the front part of the house while they are doing the deed. You are not answering my question. How can they be in the mood for sex with their kids in the room? It would be a mood killer. I am not making too much out of this. My hubby also agrees that they shouldn't be having sex with their babies in the room.

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Originally Posted by lioness57

My son-in-law l...is now working nights at the local Walmart, 28 hours a week . . . Common sense should tell them that having sex during the day is not a good idea when there are not only their babies here, but 3 other people as well- me, my hubby and my 30 year old autistic son.

How can they be in the mood for sex with their kids in the room? It would be a mood killer. I am not making too much out of this. My hubby also agrees that they shouldn't be having sex with their babies in the room.

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To answer your question, people have been having sex in the same room with small children for thousands of years. It's doesn't really require much explanation. If both parties are motivated, they just do it. It's possible that your daughter is inhibited but giving into your son in law. You'd have to ask her. But that's not really at issue. What is going on inside their heads isn't really your business at this point. I don't think the 18 month old is even going to remember this when she is older and it will only be a big deal to the extent you make it one.

What I want to ask you is, if the son is working nights and you don't want him and your daughter to have sex during the day, what hours when he is home would be acceptable to you? Obviously, they can't have sex at night if he is not there. So what hours would work for everyone? If you can name some reasonable amount of time and then give them some privacy during those hours, wouldn't that satisfy everyone's needs? When is he home when you can tolerate the thought of them having sex?

I do not think they are harming the children - they are very young and will not remember. The good news is that through all their problems, your daughter and her husband still hava a healthy, loving relationship.

I understand the concept of your house, your rules. But I think you are over reacting to the situation. They are married adults. Do you think that in all her years in your house she never heard you and your husband?

Personally, I'd think that treating it like it was a good thing if a child sees it rather than a traumatic "OH MY GOD!" thing would give a child a healthier attitude towards sex.

Sounds to me like your issue isn't the kids seeing it, it's YOU having to hear it.

My son-in-law works Wed. Thurs. Fri. an Sat. and has Sun. Mon. and Tues. off. My daughter may have heard us having sex at some point, but we never did it with her in the room and usually if we heard anyone near our door we would stop what we were doing until they left the area. We used to live in Michigan and would come down here every summer to visit. My son slept on the couch and me, my hubby and I would sleep in my younger sister's old room as my old room was otherwise occupied. He and I tried some quiet sex play while our daughter slept nearby, and I just couldn't get aroused no matter what he did, and yes, we were quiet. You may think I am making too much out of this, but I am entitled to my opinions and feelings. No one has the right to tell me how to think and feel. I am done with this issue and am moving on.

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Originally Posted by lioness57

You may think I am making too much out of this, but I am entitled to my opinions and feelings. No one has the right to tell me how to think and feel. I am done with this issue and am moving on.

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Yes you are entitled to your opinions and feelings. But rememer YOU opened this issue, you asked the question. If you weren't interested in the advice of others or weren't going to listen then why ask the question?

I'll answer my own question here. Your reaction is typical of what we often see here. People ask a question expecting to get backup and affirmation of their opinions. When they don't get, they react pretty much as you have reacted.

The fact is the reaction you got is that YOU seem to be the problem here and that, at the least, your reaction to the situation was over the top. You have the right to ignore the advice but you do so on your own.

You are certainly entitled to your feelings and opinions... since it is your home, and it bothers you, tell them so.
Just as you have your feelings, so do they however and they obviously don't mesh with yours in regard to how someone could want to have sex with a small child in the room. It won't emotionally harm your granddaughters however, so you don't have to worry in that regard.

You live in a small house and you are sensitive on this issue. Propose that they try to confine themselves to "dates" on Sunday and Tuesday evenings, when you will let the kids sleep with you at the other end of the house. Ask them if they need to do it at other times, they be extremely quiet and stop when you are using the bathroom. That's the best compromise I can think of. But you need to communicate with both of them about this and let them offer their side. Listen to them as you would want to be heard and think before you object to whatever they say. The key here is communication.

This is not a legal or moral issue. It's a matter of taste and sensitivity and respect--on both sides.

I don't believe my reaction is over the top. My daughter and son-in-law need to respect our feelings on such matters. We are willing to meet them half way on things, but it can't be all their way all the time. This is our house, and I repeat, our house, our rules. May I suggest that you contact fr_chuck on here. He is the Christian expert who said that it is illegal. He didn't answer my question, but he answered a question similar to mine. I suggest you read the question pink4life252 asked and read the answers not only fr_chuck supplied but others as well. I am not the only person in this world who feels like I do.

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Originally Posted by lioness57

My son-in-law works Wed., Thurs. Fri. an Sat. and has Sun., Mon., and Tues. off. My daughter may have heard us having sex at some point, but we never did it with her in the room and usually if we heard anyone near our door we would stop what we were doing until they left the area. We used to live in Michigan and would come down here every summer to visit. My son slept on the couch and me, my hubby and I would sleep in my younger sister's old room as my old room was otherwise occupied. He and I tried some quiet sex play while our daughter slept nearby, and I just couldn't get aroused no matter what he did, and yes, we were quiet. You may think I am making too much out of this, but I am entitled to my opinions and feelings. No one has the right to tell me how to think and feel. I am done with this issue and am moving on.

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You asked for our opinions and we gave them. I'm sure you meant to thank us for taking the time to help. Your welcome.

Thank you for your answer. There is no way the kids can sleep anywhere in the house other than where they are. There are only 3 bedrooms in this house- the one where they and their parents sleep, mine and my hubby's room and my son's room, that's it. I don't know what else to do other than maybe to take them and our son for a car ride once a week so they can have some alone time or to stay in the livingroom for a short period a couple times a week on his days off.

I believe they should avoid doing it once she turns 2 years old. Anyway, this is normal in other parts of the world as well. But wise parents quit doing it before their children before they acquire a sense / realization of these kind of activities.

Besides, it's also not right to 'overhear' what's happening in your daughter's room with her husband - respect their privacy as well. And if you don't like them having sex in your home ask you wife to inform your daughter.

They'll be careful.

The brain structures that make long term memories form at around age two. Not that children can't learn earlier, but it's not memories of specific events.

I was on the toilet tending to some very urgent business, something I could not wait to do. Our walls are thin and I couldn't help but hear what was going on. I was not straining to hear. I could hear it loud and clear.

Well I'm married. Yes me and my husband have a healthy relationship. Part of that relationship, being marriage, is sex. I only think it's about 5-10% of it. But your daughter is married. Maybe this is something you need to comprise on with them. Give them a set time that they can have marital activities without you having to hear it.

If you are offended by them having martial relation in front of your grandchild... Why not offer to take her to the park and give them some time to have those marital relations.

If you are offended by it occurring with you in the house (which trust me I understand why you prefer not to... Once upon a time I heard my father in law and I rather of not) Since he does work nights maybe figure out a way for you and her to work out a system where if it's possible you can get out of the house. Not where she forces you out but lets you know a good while in advance. Or give them a few hours alone (like a set time for if they want to without you hearing them)

In Texas there are too many rednecks for that law

But if it were you and your spouse or her in laws, and you 2 were having marital relations, you would probably feel a little violated by them hearing you.

Just look at the situation in reverse, like did your daughter ever walk in on you when you thought she was sleeping? Or what if she came home earlier than you planned and she heard you and you didn't know it.

It's a healthy natural act that most married couples that love each other do. Which depending on age, drive and a number of different factors the amount but still

It's too cold this time of year to take her to the park. She also has a 6 month old sister, and there is the matter of my 30 year old autistic son. A few hours is a bit much for them to be having sex at home. We have babysat them here when they have gone to the movies.

Like I said I live in Texas... It's about 70 degrees here. But I'm sure there's the movies or something.

Yes a few hours is a bit much but I'll leave you and your judgement to set the times and activities. You are a very smart person and you know your situation better

She has never ever walked in on us having sex and anytime we did and heard someone close by we stopped what we were doing. We don't have sex anymore anyway as my hubby has ED due to diabetes. I did not purposely put my ear to the door and listen to what was going on in there. As I stated before, I was on the toilet tending to some urgent business that couldn't wait. Our walls are thin and I couldn't help but hear. My hubby and I always had sex at night and we were very careful about the noise we made. The few times we had sex during the day it was always when our kids were at school and my hubby was working the second shift.

Neither did I with my father in law... it happens

And she probably did try to be careful and didn't you heard her

He works at night and night shift throw things off a bit

Didn't know*

Sorry bad typing

Trust me my father in law is pretty much thought I was asleep and forgot I was in the military...

I wake up at for a.m. and do push ups and sit ups... it's my job and my rank in is private.. I'm a 68w (medic)

And because I wake up so early... me and my husband when I'm on leave and I can see him do have some sort of marital relations. But after waking up that early it's more in the afternoon. My father in law is at work and yes we do have to be in your situation some of the time where it's 2 families of not the highest income and yea it's hard.

Me and my husband don't get to have marital relations often because he can't live with me right now but that will change.

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Originally Posted by lioness57

I don't believe my reaction is over the top. My daughter and son-in-law need to respect our feelings on such matters. We are willing to meet them half way on things, but it can't be all their way all the time. This is our house, and I repeat, our house, our rules. May I suggest that you contact fr_chuck on here. He is the Christian expert who said that it is illegal. He didn't answer my question, but he answered a question similar to mine. I suggest you read the question pink4life252 asked and read the answers not only fr_chuck supplied but others as well. I am not the only person in this world who feels like I do.

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What would you suggest they do?

The problems (did I mention all of them?) --
1. It's a small, crowded house
2. The children sleep in the same small bedroom as your daughter and her husband.
3. Your son-in-law works nights.
4. Your daughter and son-in-law are home together during the day.
5. Nearly everyone else is home during the day.
6. Sound carries easily in the house.
7. It's too cold to take the children outdoors during the day.
8. There's your autistic son to consider.
9. There is little privacy for anyone in the small house.
10. Money is in short supply for motel room or any alternate private place.

All that makes for a tough situation, doesn't it. I wouldn't expect a young, healthy couple to refrain from sex for very long, even under those conditions.

At one of the offices where I did counseling, the walls were thin, and clients did not always discuss problems rationally and quietly, so we set up white noise makers outside each door during sessions. If your grandchildren are that small and close together, your daughter and her husband must enjoy their sex life--and probably, like any young couple, can get in the mood pretty quickly. In your situation, a noise maker could be put inside the couple's bedroom, near the wall that adjoins the bathroom, or one could be set up in the bathroom and turned on when necessary.

As for their children watching--as children get older, they know their parents have sex. The children don't know completely what happens, but it can be reframed as a loving activity (some kids say mom and dad "wrestle" at night). We adult children don't even like to think of our aging parents (and even our aging children) indulging in such a thing as sex, but my three sibs and I have finally accepted the fact that our parents had sex at least four times during their 50-year marriage.

I agree with you Lioness... for the time being, I think you need to clean out your bedroom somewhat and put the children's bed in your bedroom for them. It is your house, your rules!!

Also, I think it is a mistake for you to be angry about this when you confront your daughter. Just be matter of fact. It is your house!! Your rules.

You may get much farther if you talk calmly to your son in law(daughter at store)... ask him how he thinks this problem can be solved. My mother in law always had much more success dealing with me than dealing with her son.

They need to get out of your house as soon as possible. Think of that day. :)

Good Luck!

I agree with you Lioness. Your house, your rules. As I said in another question, have a calm talk with your son in law and ask him for ideas on how to solve this *temporary*problem. IF your husband is a good guy, he can solve this temporary problem by having a talk with the son in law.

I think you have to cool off; anger is making this temporary problem grow.

Best wishes to you,

Are we positive this is illegal? I've seen no proof of this being illegal.

I was not angry when I brought this up with my daughter. She was the one who blew up. There is not enough room in our room for even one baby crib let alone two even if we did clean it out and the youngest has problems sleeping and I don't want my hubby's sleep to be disturbed. He is nearly 10 years older than me and is not in good health. I wish that we had a fourth bedroom for the babies. I don't want them sleeping in our room anyway. It's not my place to have to get up with either one of them during the night. I raised my kids, it's time for my daughter and her hubby to raise theirs. You have a good idea about me talking to my son-in-law and I just might do that. You are the only one who has agreed with me and I thank you. Yes they will be getting their own place as soon as he can find a full time job. Right now he is only working 28-29 hours a week at Walmart and that is not enough to support a family on and pay rent. They stand to get a good amount on their next income tax refund and a good amount on their next stimulus check if that goes through. I love my granddaughters, but I need a break every now and then from them and I am not getting that. I am 51 and my hubby is 61, by the way.

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Originally Posted by lioness57

I was on the toilet tending to some very urgent business, something I could not wait to do. Our walls are thin and I couldn't help but hear what was going on. I was not straining to hear. I could hear it loud and clear.

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Perhaps they become annoyed about or uncomfortable at bathroom noises that they have to listen to when in bed or in their bedroom? -- shower, running water, blow dryer, toilet use and flushing, electric toothbrushing. It works both ways.

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Originally Posted by lioness57

You have a good idea about me talking to my son-in-law and I just might do that.

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I don't think that's a good idea at all. I don't know what your relationship is with your son-in-law, but unless it's a very good one, talking directly to him will probably exacerbate the situation.

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Originally Posted by lioness57

You are the only one who has agreed with me and I thank you.

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I think that should tell you something, but apparently it won't. Like I said you weren't looking for advice but validation of your own feelings.

I needed to use the toilet, what was I supposed to do, go in my underwear? I didn't know that they were having sex until I was already on the toilet. Besides, this is my house, and my rules apply here, not theirs. Are we not ever to use the bathroom when they are in their room? This si our house, not theirs. The bathroom is next door to our room, too and we hear the same noises in there that they do. The bathroom is in between the two rooms. I'm getting tired of being ganged up on. I have received more than enough replies. No more, please. If anymore are sent, I will not reply.

I was just commenting that the walls are thin for them too.

I live in an 800-sq ft, 2-bedroom and one-bathroom house with two other adults, one autistic. I wasn't being against you, since I know how small my house is so can imagine yours, but was just trying to imagine all possibilities.

I'm guessing they want out of your house as much as you want them out.

My daughter said that she did not hear me in there as they had the radio on. I would have thought she could have heard the toilet flush, though. My son is autistic, too.

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Originally Posted by lioness57

My daughter said that she did not hear me in there as they had the radio on. I would have thought she could have heard the toilet flush, though. My son is autistic, too.

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You and I both hope this is a short-term problem with them living there. Did you read my post in your other thread, where I mentioned white noise machines?

I remember my family of four staying for two weeks with my grandparents and uncle in their 800-sq ft house, one bath, two bedrooms. I slept on an old couch on the sunporch, my parents slept on the living room hide-a-bed with the baby's crib scrunched in a corner, my little brother slept in the recliner, we had to have a strict schedule for the bathroom, my mom cleaned up at the washtubs in the basement in order to free up the bathroom a bit, and mealtimes were a scream. Ask me, and I will tell you stories.

***ADDED -- Forgot to mention, we always stayed there in July when my dad could take a vacation from his job as minister 650 miles away. Do you want me to tell you how hot and humid it gets in July in Chicago? And this was in the '40s and '50s with no ac.

Lioness, I am considered the Jobs Expert here, so if your son-in-law needs help with a resume or job hunting, please let me know. I've helped people with that sort of thing since 1985