Hello,
I am very new to this site. I have been on forums before so I am rather familiar. I guess I should start the issue.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. In the last 2 years he has told me that he wants to have a child with me. (I have three children from a previous relationship). Since this was discussed and I agreed I have tried to seduce him on the most proper time of the month to conceive. Last night as an example is my fertile time. I tried to initiate sex in a very sexy yet loving way. He pushed me aside. I felt terribly unwanted and very pushed aside. I am still trying with him. Sex doesn't seem to be as important to him in our relationship than it is to me. I am sexual and yet require intimacy most of all. Knowing that intimacy doesn't always mean sex he thinks it does. I have starved and am starving for affection and attention. And have even been jealous of our dog as it seems she is getting what I am starving for. I have tried talking with him about this in a very non confrontational way but it turns out that way. He in turn is the confronter. Using this to point out my flaws and my downfalls. I have heard him repeat over and over again that he doesn't want to talk about this. He actually doesn't want to talk about much of anything. I have feelings and when they are hurt and he is the one that hurt them I tell him. I am afraid that if I keep talking it will push him away. But I have been pushed so far away that if I don't talk I feel I will walk right out the door. We got into a big fight the other night and one of the things he said to me was that he no longer wants to have a baby with me. I cried and cried hard. It meant so much to me that he wanted me to have his baby, that it hurt so bad when he said he didn't want it anymore.

I am struggling with communication. He yells at me all the time and tells me how wrong I am. I can't have my own feelings without him taking them and using them as his own in one way or another. I use "I" statements instead of "You" statements and that still doesn't work. I need to communicate my feelings to him but I don't want to be yelled at or told that my feelings are silly. He discounts me and my decisions. Makes me feel as though my judgements are wrong and that he is the only RIGHT one here. He was raised by his father who was very strict and showed very little love. He even tries to instill his upbringing on my children now. We have lived together this whole time. Myself esteem is very low. I have tried sharing this with him to no avail. I have spoken to my girlfriend about it and she seems to be the only one that brings me up. When I finally feel confident again to speak my mind and try to have sex with my man it turns into a fight or I am now in the livingroom crying because I feel unsatisfied and frustrated. Help me talk to him. He hasn't showered in weeks either. So I am beginning to think that he is suffering from some sort of depression. I want to be with him and long for his affection.

You are trying to have a baby with a guy that isn't important enough to be married to first??

I see a real issue with priorities here... First of which having a kid should not be priority #1 without a wedding. Or a real commitment.

You need to get OUT!

He's not good to you, girl.

Get out, get counseling, and make this jerk wake up and realize that he's not the center of ANY universe, especially yours.

I don't want to leave him I actually do want him to wake up and see what he has here. He told me not to worry about work that he would take care of me and my kids so he confuses me with all the things that he says. He came home last night and said he was leaving but not at 3 in the morning and then 5 minutes later says he loves me and won't leave me and then makes me feel really bad that I turned to our dear friends for help. I had no where else to go and he turned his friends advice which was "you need to tell her the truth" stop stringing her along. You should put her up in the tallest part of the tree because you should love her that much to do that. Then my boyfriend comes home and says that I lied to my friends. I am so stretched out with this that I am losing sight of what is really important. My love for him was showed everyday. All the time. And I feel abandoned now.

Dearest lovergirl247,

As I read your post, I got teary-eyed. You and I are in the same EXACT boat; no detail left out.

I know you don't want to leave him, you want him to open up, be the attentive lover you need.

I wish it worked like that.

You get the respect you demand for yourself, and sometimes you don't even get that.

I had to walk away from two big loves, one relationship of 6+ years, and another of over two... I didn't want to. I didn't like it. But I demanded more for myself.

I know its complicated because you have kids... but you do get to choose. If you choose to stay with a man who is unattentive and controlling for the "stability" of "something is better than nothing"... well, that's your choice. And if you decide to leave for the need of something more, even if there's no guarantee that you will find better, again, that's your choice.

You get to own either decision. Neither is easy. But you need to make a decision and come to some sort of peace with it.

For ex, my sex drive is higher than my mates. She isn't ready for sex when I am most primed (night). Physical touch is one of the lower needs she has, where it is one of my top needs. There are times when I'm frustrated, when I vent, when I stomp around... but for the most part, I think we've found some sort of middle ground, even if I did most of the conceding... at some point I just had to accept that if I stayed, I did it without excessive expectations of things changing.

So...

I don't think this guy is good to you or good for you.

He isn't taking care of you and your kids the way he needs to if he wants to be a productive, loving part of your family. And your kids are exposed to a man who is not that good of a role model.

Sex and intimacy are not all there is to a relationship. But there are plenty of women who write in here, ten or more years into a marriage, miserable and alone because they feel trapped... married to a "good guy but"... with "but" meaning there is some fundamental need not being met... and if you have the answer for how to make a man change... there are plenty of women who need your help.

I have no good answer, other than to step back and step away and make him see you are not under his thumb.

There's an old saying about frustration between the sexes... that a man marries a woman thinking she will never change, yet she does... and a woman marries a man thinking he will change with her, yet he never does.

Sure... generalizations are always flawed... but I do think expecting this guy to have a fundamental paradigm shift, especially when he is reflecting his own upbringing... I think you get the man in front of you... maybe a few "tweeks" here and there can be done... but I don't think you can expect a very different life without him being forced to fundamentally change... which usually requires drastic action.

Some women get furious after divorcing, as the men they leave sometimes become the men they needed to have all along.

Sorry you are in this spot.

I outrage. I have tried so many different tactics at communicating. Being sincere and understanding to no avail. Getting upset and showing anger about the situation to no avail. For a while now I outrage with actually throwing fits. Screaming and yelling and even throwing and breaking things. I am THAT frustrated. I decided today though that he can come back... I want him to but there is a condition... he has to change to walk through my door. I put a lot into this relationship and actually expected nothing in return and in expecting that I got exactally that... NOTHING! After 4 years I thought he would have conformed to a man that has a family that he needs to take care of... he is so selfish and self centered. He comes first. Those are his exact words. I love him though and can find the reasons, but what I need he can't give and I feel lost and helpless... my heart hurts... how can I get nothing when I feel I have given everything? How can any person feel comfortable and happy with treating people this way? I am scared and lonely.

He does not choose to fully see that his actions and lack of action is having a negative impact. He is choosing to only hear his own voice, the voice of his past. He does not see you or the situation in its full aspect. You can't fix his past. You can't change him now unless he agrees to change.

Where does that leave you besides frustrated and lonely? Where does it leave your kids for whom you are responsible? You have to make a choice. Stay in the current situation and accept less than you want or leave, or make him leave.

How can a person be given your all and not see it or appreciate the sacrifices you have made for him? He has blinders on and no one but him can take them off.

Don't you get it? You are trying to empty water out of a boat with to many holes. So I ask you this, are you really in love or scared of loneliness?

You are going to have to grow up, girl. Life isn't a soap opera. YOu sound like you want to be "in love" in your fantasy world, abused and used... instead of being happy. That's indicated sickness.

The reality is that the man is tired of you and your needy self. You have children to raise and show good behavior to.

Get yourself some therapy from a good therapist so you can turn around your life and help your children.

Best wishes going forward, :)

He sounds like a control freak who wants to lie and cheat and tell you anything to get control over you and your emotions. I see a lot of this these days. Guys tell their new girlfriend that they want to have a baby with them. Girl falls for lie and gets pregnant only to have guy refuse to marry them and then just leave them. It's a game, honey, it's a game they play and you've bought into this game hook, line and sinker. Oh, he didn't say he'd marry you, just have another baby (as if you need more kids to take care of). This guy will tell you any fairytale to keep you "in line" so he can do his emotional rollercoaster on you to get his jollies. Run, don't walk to the nearest exit and leave this turd in your dust.

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I don't want to leave him I actually do want him to wake up and see what he has here

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Its you who need to wake up, and stop rewarding his bad behavior, with your continued attention, and company.

Takes two partners working together, through honest communications, to have a healthy relationship, so realize its time to let him love his dog, and you stop being his pet.

The guy is a jerk... you both are also wrong in thinking having a kid will help anything...

He isn't going to change any more than you are going to change. Get over him, move on and find someone who is naturally a fit. You can't change someone else to suit you... it never works.

All of these answers from people are telling you that you can't be with someone that treats you this way! We are all looking from the outside in on your relationship, therefore are the most logical. You are in the relationship so you can't see for yourself how bad it really seems. You need to step outside and really look at what your relationship has become. GET OUT OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP! If not for you, but for your kid's sake. We all know it is hard to do, and that it probably seems impossible, but you can do it if you stay strong. Distract yourself with other activities and meet new men! Have respect for yourself! You deserve better I can tell!

He is a selfish control freak. Trust me it doesn't change, it doesn't get any better. He will never take the blame, he will never see that he is the one in the wrong. He will keep making you feel obligated that you need to make him happy at the expense of your own happiness. I bet he is in denial about a lot of things and he manipulates you a lot even in ways you are not aware of.
My last boyfriend always said that in a good relationship you each do your own thing and then come home and spend the rest of the evening together. Then, I bought a truck, he wasn't home after work so I would go out. When I would get home he would say things like where were you? We could have made some money so and so wanted us to move a truck load of stuff for him.
I think it was just him quilting me in a manipulative way to make me feel like I needed to stay home waiting on him.
Guys are underhanded manipulators and it doesn't get better.
His saying he wants a kid I think is most likely this because he is telling you what he thinks you want to hear for one.

The primary cornerstone to any relationship is not love, it's respect! A person can 'love' their job, 'love' their car, etc. Whether he loves you or not, that's not the point. The main thing missing here is respect. He has none whatsoever for you, otherwise he would treat you with more dignity. As painful as it seems, get out of this relationship now, because it's not going to get any better!

Maybe he is going through some sort of midlife crisis or is depressed but the thing of it is you can't help him no matter how much you want to if he won't communicate with you on any level.

He is mistreating you and abusing your relationship so if you want drastic changes in your relationship you have to consider drastic measures. Don't give him any attention throw him the cold shoulder and see how he likes it.. You have to truly consider leaving this guy and start to make plans for it if you want him to wake up and see what he is about to lose if he can't get his life together.

Either way keep your chin up and remember that it's YOU that you need to worry about and he should be only a second consideration.

Well it had been a while since I last posted. Things seemed to be going OK there for a while. He and I actually sat up all night one night talking about things and for a week things were great. He would say I am so happy with you. Here it is Christmas day. And last night instead of spending it with me and my kids he chose and wanted to go drinking with a friend of his. He asked if I wanted to go and I agreed for a short time. I asked in the events of the evening if he could take me to walmart to pick up a gift for my mother. And he threw a fit. Saying I was interfering in HIS plans. I grew angry and basically stated that I was tired of his selfishness. And he replied with I GOING TO LIVE MY OWN LIFE. I said wonderful. Pack up your things and move out because you can't have your cake and eat it too. He left last night and hasn't returned. I thought for a moment that he would have a heart and at least be here for the kids when the opened up gifts from the both of us. But no. He hasn't called either. I gave up. His selfish, selfcentered attitude has pushed me over the edge. I told him that I don't want this for myself or my kids that I actually want to be with someone that really wants to be with me and be with my kids. A friend of his told me that he (my boyfriend) said "If I am not with her, no one else would want to" OUCH! His friend told him "There is someone out there for everyone, and that someone would be more than happy to sit at the table and play card or board games with the kids and that person would love to stay in and be with Debbie, Now you need to make a choice." I was living a life with someone that wasn't willing to make us a part of it. A person that only cared and showed more concern for what he is missing, needs and wants. It wasn't us that he wanted. Too bad it took me 4 years to really get it through my head. I have to lock the doors when I leave for fear he will come in and ransack the place. He has kicked in the door numerous times and its my name that's on this apartment. Would it be wrong of me to call the police if I came home from my mothers for christmas and saw the doors kicked in?? I need help getting through this.

He sound like a cowardly, selfisth momma's boy. If he comes over to your apartment and kicks the door or is otherwise threatening to you, call the police. I'm sure that after one meeting with them he'll never bother you again.

In response to this last post. Mamma's boy is probably right considering he grew up with his father mostly. His lack of love and constant work probably made my boyfriend the disrespectful person he is because he never learned really how a woman should be treated. His mother would have instilled much of that in his life. I miss him though... I just don't miss the crap. Walking on eggshells everyday fearing his mood. My decisions were based on his attitude. Scary. Here I sit though wondering why he is acting like this. Why he didn't bother to call or see my kids on this day of all days... why he couldn't put his differences with me aside for the sake of my kids and their fun day. Why he would rather worry about where is going to stay and what he is going to do. He said it last night though when he left. And accused me of kicking him out on Christmas Eve. I never did that. I stated that if he couldn't or didn't want to try to make me happy that he should just pack his bags and leave. I do fear being alone. I hold on to things like togetherness. Although I do agree with some of the things others have posted on this issue. I have to find the strength to let go of this disrespectful man and live life for me and my kids. Take the opportunity to allow someone else in my life that will love me and my kids and take care of us. I am right now jobless because my boyfriend said he would take care of us. All he ever did was complain about paying the bills and the rent. I feel as though any man that enters my life would be more than happy to want to help provide and live a loving life with me and my three great kids. Sucks that he couldn't be the one. Even though I really truly hoped he was. Sad day. Merry Christmas to all posters. Have a wonderful New Year as well.

I have read your recent postings and this sounded so errily like what I went through several years ago. When he said he wanted to live elsewhere and you said fine, do that and he left and is now accusing you of throwing him out. My last boyfriend and I had just about the same conversation, word for word. I told him to spend a few days elsewhere - he's the one who said I threw him out. Either way, it was very hard for me emotionally as I was treated very similar to the way you were treated. One thing though I am glad to say, I never let him back into my life (even though he tried several times) and it's 4+ years now and I'm not sorry I "kicked him out" one bit.

Times will be hard now for you since you let him trick you into relying on him for money. If he took all of his things out of your apt and comes back and kicks in the door you can call the cops but since you were not there to see him do this, the cops can't do anything to him as you were not there and they won't just take your word that he did it without you being home. If you are home and he kicks in the door, that's a different story - call the cops and press charges against him.

Good luck and Merry Christmas from me.

He has brought out something in me that I didn't think anyone could possess. I have been brought to near psychotic behaviour... throwing things yelling at the top of my lungs totally flipping my lid and flipping right out of myself. He is rude sarcastic, overbearing and has constantly stated that he is going to live his own life. Why in the world is he even here? I have always been second to him

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Originally Posted by lovergirl247

Why in the world was he even here? I have always been second to him

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Meant was not is sorry

Oh the boyfriend I "threw out" was bi-polar. This sounds so much like your boyfriend it's scary. He may be undiagnosed, but I'll bet you dollars to donuts he's one as well. He has all the earmarks of one. You can rest assured that it was NEVER you being wrong, etc. It was HIM. One day I am sure he would wake up and be a wonderful person. Then the next day he would wake up and be Frankenstein wrecking the house and yelling for no reason. The bipolars are control freaks and they instinctively know how to manipulate a normal person's emotions and play them like a violin to THEIR advantage.

Please, no matter how lonely you get, please, please do not go back to him or let him back into your life as the next time it won't be that easy to get him out of your apt.

Why was he there? It's because he saw what an easily manipulated person you are/were and he wanted to have some "fun" with you. Don't try and figure him out or even take pity on the man as he more than likely does not understand himself and has no real "emotions" of his own. He hasn't a clue what love means either so don't beat yourself up over that topic. Yes, it's hard to believe that he conned you, but he did. They are quite good at conning anyone out of anything and he conned you out of a place to live even if he paid the bills (just his complaining about it was a real tip off to me).

I am actually feeling really lonely right now. I have felt this while he was here but now that he is gone I am feeling it more now then ever. I want to very much call him or go to where he is at. But I fear the worst. I feel my strength slipping and I am scared of it. He is what I have known for the last 4 years. He is who I looked to. Wanted to see and be with. This is very hard for me and I miss him terribly. Help

So what are you doing for yourself to stay busy and explore other things??

Here I am sick today. Sinus infection. Headache, hurting pretty good. Took something for the pain and finally I can at least see. Boyfriend left me like this. Unfortunately he left because he sold some "weed" and has to collect his $$. I got immediately upset because the $$ was more important than how I was feeling. I told him that I couldn't live like this anymore and that he needs to grow up. Yesterday he called for work with the excuse the car was broke down and then took off for 7 hours to go drinking with his friend. Totally blowing off the fact that the car would be ready and left the entire thing up to me. I tried telling him that I am tired of his drinking. I had to go through an addiction of meth with him already. Now its weed and alcohol. I said I can't do this anymore. I got terribly upset with him and he left in MY car to go get his $$. Telling his friend that I chased him out of the house? How can I chase him out of the house if he is already leaving?

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Originally Posted by smoothy

You are trying to have a baby with a guy that isn't important enough to be married to first?????????

I see a real issue with priorities here.....First of which having a kid should not be priority #1 without a wedding. Or a real commitment.

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Marriage would be great IF IF IF this man gave a hoot about your feelings, thoughts, and desires. He is a selfish jerk of a man and I say get your kids out from under his influence ASAP. Are you dependent on this man financially? If so, that tie will be hard enough to escape. For goodness sake, don't marry him, let alone have a child with him. You want your child's father to be THIS man?

For sure sitting and complaining will change nothing. Its an even bet that he does what he does because you put up with it. Either leave or stop complaining.

Sorry, but you and what you do about his bad behavior is your problem. Do nothing, (AS YOU HAVE BEEN ) and be miserable.

In ref to my post #28. I wrote this before I read all the older post. Bad habit. Sorry. I still stand by "don't marry him or have a child with him ever. You do not want to be linked to him in any legal way.
I'm so happy to see that you have begun to see him for what he is and you and your kids can have better. I don't know how old your kids are, if you get child support for them, if you have other family or friends to assist you, or what but somehow, get independent of him. Is the apt in his name or yours, or both. If his name is on the lease, you get work and move out asap. If your name is on the lease, kick him out for good. Just sit his things outside the door. If he starts to harrass you, get police involved and document everything. I'm happy that you see him for the jerk that he is and that he adds nothing to your life, he only takes away. Check back in with us from time to time and I know all of us will be happy to cheer you on and lend support or advice. YOU GO GIRL!!

I was at a friends today... and I told her that I can't honestly think of any reason why I love this man. I actually told her I don't think I do. He didn't come home last night and worst of all he has my car. I was going to drive the hour and 15 minutes to his work and get it but I have no money to put gas in the vehicle he left me with. I can't tolerate this behavior anymore. I have given and given so much and all he ever does is take. He gets so drunk that he complains he is sick and expects me to wait on him hand and foot.
I keep falling victim to him saying things like... "Honey, I am so sorry for what I did, I really love you". I get drawn right back in thinking it will change this time. I am scared really. He is a ticking time bomb and I am being blamed for him blowing up every time. I can't breathe without fearing it will set him off. I believe he has a disorder NPD... Narsissitic Personality disorder. I was reading up on this and he fits more than most of the questions they asked. I do rely on him financially right now. So I also fear not being able to make it right now with out his income. I am right now lost and feeling very alone. How can anyone do this to another human being? It hurts so much!

Well, the first step is recognising there is a problem... you've just taken that first step.

OK, Now that I recognize it. How do I handle it from here? I want him to know that I can't tolerate this treatment anymore. But I don't want to lose him either. Sad, I know but its true. What do you suggest?

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Originally Posted by lovergirl247

meant was not is sorry

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Not following?

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Originally Posted by lovergirl247

He has brought out something in me that I didn't think anyone could possess. I have been brought to near psychotic behaviour....throwing things yelling at the top of my lungs totally flipping my lid and flipping right out of myself. He is rude sarcastic, overbearing and has constantly stated that he is going to live his own life. Why in the world is he even here? I have always been second to him

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This was the post that I mistyped in sorry if I confused you cozyk

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Originally Posted by lovergirl247

I was at a friends today...and I told her that I can't honestly think of any reason why I love this man. I actually told her I don't think I do. He didn't come home last night and worst of all he has my car. I was going to drive the hour and 15 mins to his work and get it but I have no money to put gas in the vehicle he left me with. I can't tolerate this behavior anymore. I have given and given so much and all he ever does is take. He gets so drunk that he complains he is sick and expects me to wait on him hand and foot.
I keep falling victim to him saying things like..."Honey, I am so sorry for what I did, I really love you". I get drawn right back in thinking it will change this time. I am scared really. He is a ticking time bomb and I am being blamed for him blowing up every time. I can't breathe without fearing it will set him off. I believe he has a disorder NPD...Narsissitic Personality disorder. I was reading up on this and he fits more than most of the questions they asked. I do rely on him financially right now. So I also fear not being able to make it right now with out his income. I am right now lost and feeling very alone. How can anyone do this to another human being? It hurts so much!!

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Maybe you can not afford to move out right now, but you can afford to behave in a way that dignifies YOURSELF. First, quit thinking you are going to lose him. You don't have him. That train already left the station. I don't think you "love him" either. I think you are addicted to him, like you need his attention to make your existence worth while. You don't. You are a person in your own right. No body can treat you better than you have the ability to treat yourself..

Is your car, really YOUR car or just the one that you drive. If it is your car, forbid him from it and if he takes it without your permission, call the police. That is theft. Don't go out of your way to be Ms. Bad A$$ but where you have rights, make sure you take them. I hope you do not wait on him hand and foot when he is sick from being drunk. You have neglected yourself way too long and to cater to his self made illness is not your job. If he was honestly sick, you should do what you can to help because that is what self respecting nice people do. Self induced?? Sorry Charlie, you are on your own.

This is a time to make WISE decisions. Carefully think out what you are going to do. Save your money, prepare to leave, don't waste your money on him for any reason. If you had put gas in that car to drive 1 hour 15 min to just get your car, you would have wasted your time and money. So, I'm glad you were not able to do that. When you get your car back, take all your keys and hide them. I don't know if he is abusive physically or not, but it would not be a bad idea to have an emergency bag packed with an extra car key in it, in case he takes your key from you physically. Also, have a back up plan as to where to go in an emergency.

You have no reason to apologize to him for anything and to tell him "Honey, I love you" should not come out of your mouth. It just disrespects your own self even more. I know what I'm saying is harsh and hurtful but I just feel so strongly that I want better for a fellow human, that I need to be perfectly clear. I feel your pain. I really do. I don't think there is one of us that doesn't know how it feels to be scared, worried, hurt, lonely or depressed. YOU WILL SURVIVE and you will learn, and you will be surprised at what you can achieve. Show yourself what you are made of and then revel in the glory.
You are not all alone, we are here as your sounding board and hopefully to: help you hold your head high and do what you need to do. I don't know how someone could treat another so badly either but you know what? Doesn't matter. It is what it is, and you don't have to deal with it, you just have to deal with you. And there lies your power.:)

First... Find yourself a job if you don't have one yet... The time has come to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and work on getting an income so you can move out on your own... If you stay in this situation then you deserve what you get. You've already seen what he's like... don't expect him to change. Not everyone is a good match for just anyone. That's a fact of life.

If you have to find another woman to be roommates with because of your local cost of living and share rent then do so... but take some charge of your life and even if it means a change in lifestyle then so be it.

Start standing on your own two feet, as your dependent on him, so you take all his BS.

Change that first, now go get your independence.

It is my car. My name is on this apartment as well. But regardless of the name on the lease. I would leave here with nothing but my kids and myself then have to suffer another moment like this. He is not abusive physically. However, I have feared that in him. He talks the talk mostly. Something I have always brought to his attention. Not to threaten. I would much rather be beaten then go through this emotional mess. Sad to say but physical pain goes away. Emotional stays with you forever.

And why didn't he come home last night?

Does he think it's a form of punishment?

I did nothing wrong. I tried to convince him to stay with me because I was sick. He got upset thinking I was trying to keep him from doing what he wanted to do. I chased him away he says. How did I do that?