Well last time I wrote I spoke of my boyfriend cheating and making me feel very unworthy. Well the icing on the cake is this I just recently checked my phone records to find numbers to chat lines. That he has called I called and heard him on there he was so different then how he is with me. I am so disgusted by his bad decisions I am at my wits end with his! I am now looking for a new love someone that can treat me right. I heard him on this chat line saying how he is a freak and loves sex and eating pu$$y! But remember I said before he would never touch me! But loves to apparently touch strangers. I am so done and I have to and will move on I just need to know why?? Why do men act one way in front of their girlfriends. Then turn into something so diffrernt when your back is turned... I am hurt to say the least, he is now talking of marriage. Yeah right!! I just want to be happy he says he will get help so we can save what we have but we have nothing sooooooo what the hell?? But to all you men out there why do men feel the need to go else where. When they have a lady that is willing to please them?? Not to mention I am very attractive. I have done fashion shows I am no longer modeling like I used to... but I am still very beautiful. I am glad to say the least that this all came out in the open. Now I can do what is best for me but your input would be a blessing to my curious mind...

If the gentleman was really worthy of you and loved you then there wouldn't be a problem with intimacy with only you. Men get bored with the same old, especially when they are not into the person they are with.

You are better off, my dear, if you just left him alone for a whlle and maybe he will get the idea that you aren't interested in him either. Try it and see how it works.

As a man, I have no idea why other men cheat. I am also very conservative and believe that any problems in a relationship should be talked about. I know that relationship problems can lead a man to adultery. Also lack of communication in the bedroom is another big one.

For example, I dated a woman once who would not let me go down on her at all. I talked to her about it and she said because she thought she smelled down there. In all honesty she smelled and tasted the best of all the woman I have ever dated. Even after convincing her she tasted and smelled great she wouldn't let me. It wasn't that I was not gently enough or rough enough, she just didn't like it because she was to self conscious. This was a major turn off for me and while I didn't cheat on her and it didn't even cross my mind it did lead me away from her sexually.

I will not sleep with a woman if she doesn't have good communication. Bad communication whether in the bed or out is a major major turn off for me. I learned very early I couldn't read minds and for me this is a very major wall that I have tried to climb without success.

So I ask the question, what's your wall?

Really good reply kickprivate. We have been having some really good input from guys lately but they don't stick around !

I agree !

Ms tickle

There is a whole class of men who like to *use women* who are too needy for a man(and have no backbone). It is in their financial interests. They keep their situation going by lying and lying and lying to their "girlfriend".

LIfe is much better if you open your eyes and see reality... then go after what you want in life and not settle for being mentally abused and lied to. Get some therapy if you want and expect to be mentally abused.

THere are a number of things that can be at fault here... some of them can be the fault of the woman... others are purely the fault of the guy.

An absolute saint can be driven into the arms of another woman under the right circumstances... and some guys are just plain and simple dirtbags who would do it if they had the perfect woman. And everything else falls between those two limits.

Sometimes the woman is oblivious to what she's doing if she is the cause... other times a jerk will do it from boredom ( not a good excuse at all) or because she just isn't putting out.

Not pointing any fingers here... just trying to understand what this situation is better. I've seen either side at fault... and sometimes both.

Have you talked to him about it... have you both been fighting at all before this... have there been issues that caused you both to be not intimate?

Then are you engaged? Going steady or just casually dating ( in this last case you can't expect exclusivity)

I'm going to just frankly put it out there.
He's bored.

Agree with Smoothy's post and although the question was about a man cheating, it has to said that this is not specific to either gender. Both are guilty for the very same reasons...

Stringer

I suspect there has been an issue brewing that she was unaware of for whatever reason. Dirtbags who will sleep with any willing woman typically don't shun a good looking woman they have to themselves. While I never fit that description, I knew quite a few over the years that did.

Here's the problem.

He's cheated on you before, and you took him back.

The problem is his problem. You can have sex with this man every day, and he can still cheat on you.

You can't change his behavior, but you can change yours.

If you don't want a boyfriend that cheats, then leave. He's not going to change because he has done this before.

Another issue is this. You shouldn't need a man to replace him before you leave.

Leave this loser who doesn't want to stay faithful.

You may be beautiful, but there are a lot of women that are beautiful.

If you want a man with substance, then you have to focus on finding a man that has some.

Oh my god! I was in almost the same position with my ex boyfriend. Trust me your doing yourself a HUGE favor by getting rid of him. I happened to ask my ex the same thing and I'll tell you he was VERY blunt with his answer. But I'm not going to say what his answer was because that's not what really matters. What matters is that this guy clearly wasn't worth it and who really cares why he did it? The fact is that he did and now it's time to move on.

As a man who was faithful and cheated on by two women I loved dearly, I must say that this isn't gender specific. A woman can be as devious as any man.

Why does someone cheat? Ask them.

Boredom. Incompatibility. Inability to sustain a healthy relationship. Lack of desire in a long term relationship.

Look... long term, monogamous relationships are not easy. It takes work. It makes you face your faults and your lovers faults every single day.

I don't give much cred to a guys words on a chat line. He can say whatever is needed to keep the moment primed, real, truthful, or not.

What matters is that you two aren't on the same page... and until you both figure out what is missing and how to find common ground, its done.

But please... don't assume that cheating is a "male phenomenon".

Personally speaking, I've witnessed it as a "female phenomenon"... I was as true and right as the sun in the east every morning and two beautiful women chose to betray me for the touch of another.

Understand... I'm not saying they were wrong in all ways. If they needed anothers touch, fine. If they needed to not be tied down, OK. But there are times when a good love falls at the wrong time... when two good people just aren't ready for each other... that's when you stay up at night wondering "what the hell could i have done differently"...

Unfortunately, or fortunately, nobody knows.

Two big loves cheating on me led me to my wife.

Thank God.

It is naïve at best to think you can get through this life without some scars... be they mental or physical.

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Originally Posted by blackshield

Here's the problem.

He's cheated on you before, and you took him back.

The problem is his problem. You can have sex with this man every day, and he can still cheat on you.

You can't change his behavior, but you can change yours.

If you don't want a boyfriend that cheats, then leave. He's not going to change because he has done this before.

Another issue is this. You shouldn't need a man to replace him before you leave.

Leave this loser who doesn't want to stay faithful.

You may be beautiful, but there are a lot of women that are beautiful.

If you want a man with substance, then you have to focus on finding a man that has some.

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It still hasn't been established there wasn't a confict issue going on here.

As a result it hasn't been established who is at fault. It might be his fault... it might be her fault. We just don't have enough info to know what is going on here and why.

Smoothy,

While I agree with you that there might be a much bigger issue, it still doesn't give the boyfriend an excuse to cheat.

There is one thing here that is certain. No one can ever change another person and their choices that they make. Lickalove can only change herself. If she wants a boyfriend that will stay faithful to her, then this guy probably isn't the right guy, considering he has done this before.

There are many women out there that will stay will cheaters and then complain about the cheating. Well, I'm all about second chances, but if this guy has done this before, it's probably time to exit the relationship.

It's like the old saying goes. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

I don't know why anyone would have anything to do with a cheater. I have always believed, and have found out over the years, once a cheater, always a cheater.

Two people can be faithful to one another and truly believe in a monogamous relationship. It takes maturity.

My husband was a cheater many years ago. There are many reasons we are still together after 40 years. Two good reason were two elderly parents from each side who needed caring for, it was our duty. My son is another story. I know some were bad choices but that's all done with now and we moved on.

There is usually at least ONE good reason to cheat, from the cheater's point of view.

That's not to say they don't regret it, and it's DEFINITELY not to say that once a cheater, always a cheater (seriously---I hate that phrase. It's so cliché, so repeated, so stupid, and so untrue). Some people are neglected and taken for granted, try to communicate that it's happening, can't get through, and then are swept up when someone else treats them like the amazing person that they are, and compliments them, and makes them feel special. Sorry, but after a while crossing the desert, you'll drink any water rather than die of thirst. Whether you leave your caravan for it is a choice---but sometimes you just can't get through to someone, and you can't leave, and along comes attention--of COURSE you're going to lap it up!

But---I'm preaching to deaf ears again, so I'll just let it go. It just amazes me that most people can't ever forgive cheating, but expect that neglect and ingratitude (or any OTHER problems short of abuse!) should be given a second chance in a relationship.

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Originally Posted by blackshield

Smoothy,

While I agree with you that there might be a much bigger issue, it still doesn't give the boyfriend an excuse to cheat.

There is one thing here that is certain. No one can ever change another person and their choices that they make. Lickalove can only change herself. If she wants a boyfriend that will stay faithful to her, then this guy probably isn't the right guy, considering he has done this before.

There are many women out there that will stay will cheaters and then complain about the cheating. Well, I'm all about second chances, but if this guy has done this before, it's probably time to exit the relationship.

It's like the old saying goes. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

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Has it been clearly established in this thread that they were engaged to be married, or living together with an eventual path to marriage in sight?

If neither is true then there is no expectation of exclusivity. And thus no "cheating" actually occurred. If either of those were true then Cheating did occur and if would help to understand under what context it happened. There are a few circumstances I can call justified... but quite a few that I wouldn't. We don't have the information to make that call either way with what we have been presented.

Just because a woman "puts out" isn't an agreement to exclusivity. There has to be a lot more to the relationship.

I think men cheat because they think the woman they have at home is a good girl and would never dream of doing any of the things they suggest over the phone or on chat lines, little do they know that if they only asked or hinted they would be in for a surprise.They see chat line girls as dirty and only to be used. As a friend told me "men want a cook in the kitchen and a wh*re in the bedroom".

There are some very good points here.

I still feel as though no matter what is going on in this relationship, or who is at fault, there is not excuse for him to continuously cheat.

I don't believe in once a cheater, always a cheater. People can be forgiven. However, if the cheating continues on more than one occasion in the same relationship, then maybe it's time to break up.

If lickalove is to blame for the problems in the relationship, then maybe her boyfriend should break up with her instead of continuing to cheat on her.

Hi, Synnen, this may not be your opinion, but I think cheaters are predisposed to cheating. I think its in their personality and are not of a monogamous nature to start with.

Having been a one-time cheater myself, I have to disagree with you completely.

I cheated ONCE. Not repeated.

Betcha there are hundreds more out there like me, but you never hear about it because when it happens ONCE, it generally stays between the people involved.

You wrote this question indicates that
"you loved him a lot".
And that's the answer for your question.

I think the relationship between you and him was over a long time ago. When he first cheated on you and made you feel the way you do you should have left him. No real man who loves you would disrespect you like that. Although I don't know why or how he cheated on you I do know that there no excuse for his actions. No matter what they are. Your just asking for more and more trouble staying in this relationship.

If you truly thought yourself to be a beautiful great catch you would have left him already and found someone who deserves you.

I don't think you have the self confidence to be without him, single and starting all over again. You need to find it and move on before its too late and you 20 yrs down the road and you've given your life to someone you don't love.

You may only get one life to live and it's up to you to find true happiness.

As for theses chats he's doing with other women on the phone. Honey that's called cheating on you. Although he may not physically be with another woman his mind is. He's lying to you as well if he acts another way around other people. He's not showing you his true self. Sounds to me like your involved with a monster. Two desperate lonely people holding onto each other. QUIT IT OUT! You know you deserve happiness.

I have told him that I was able and willing to be everything he needs. I love to please my man in any way I can!! I carry myself in a very respectful way. But I also know how to please in the bedroom. I am not shy by a long shot. He has told me he can't look at me in that way. And does not want to I am his good girl his saint that can't do anything wrong. That is why he would will marry me. Cause I am the woman he sees himself with. And could not bare the thought of me giving what I give to another... I know he is just a selfish BASTARD!!! Who wants his cake and eat it to I give 100% all the time. I have just been doing it for the wrong person. Love is blind but it has cause me to be stupid but thank goodness I am smart now!! Thanks sooooo much for the input I truly appreicate it so much...... I am not going to except his marriage proposal

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Originally Posted by tickle

Hi, Synnen, this may not be your opinion, but I think cheaters are predisposed to cheating. I think its in their personality and are not of a monogamous nature to start with.

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I think some people are habitual cheaters, often because they are insecure or like the thrill of sneaking around, or even sticking it to their partner.

Other people cheat because they are lonely in a relationship because both parties are not communicating. It might be because their relationship skills are bad and they don't know they need to be working on the relationship. Or the partner is unavailable or unwilling to work on the relationship. Or maybe one person is depressed for many years and unable to be a good partner and neither side gets help. There are so many things that can go wrong. I don't think such people will necessarily ever cheat again if they make a commitment not to, whether to each other or to themselves.

Redemption is real.

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Originally Posted by lickalove

I have told him that I was able and willing to be everything he needs. I love to please my man in any way I can!! I carry myself in a very respectful way. But I also know how to please in the bedroom. I am not shy by a long shot. He has told me he can't look at me in that way. And does not want to I am his good girl his saint that can't do anything wrong. That is why he would will marry me. Cause I am the woman he sees himself with. And could not bare the thought of me giving what I give to another... I know he is just a selfish BASTARD!!! Who wants his cake and eat it to I give 100% all the time. I have just been doing it for the wrong person. Love is blind but it has cause me to be stupid but thank goodness I am smart now!! Thanks sooooo much for the input I truly appreicate it so much...... I am not going to except his marriage proposal

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I know what you mean, and it's great that you are getting out asap. Maybe this way you will walk away with a couple less scars then what would have been. Keep the faith girl.

As I good hearted hard working Christian man I can understand the stuggle to find a good woman or in your case a man. It is not easy to find the people that are completely committed but when you do, it's a love to last a life time and this is where I keep my hope and faith and lick; I hope you do to. Don't let this bring you to far down, but walk away with your head high knowing that you learned a great lesson and that you will one day find a partner that truly loves you.

If you need anything, feel free to PM me or you can post on here again and I am sure everyone and anyone will be more then pleased to help if they can.

Brandon

As of now he is in the I am so sorry for everythign mode!! I have heard all of this before. I will remain strong and stick to my guns. I am a strong lover and I need and desreve the same in return... I am what you call and endless optimist. But he has caused a few clouds to roll in. But I am strong and will not be defeated by this. You live love and learn I will not change any thing about myself. Due to the fact I did my part I remained faithful loyal and supportive. I am everything a GOOD MAN wants in his life. So I walk away with my head held high. I did my part I remained true to who I am.

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Originally Posted by lickalove

As of now he is in the I am so sorry for everythign mode!! I have heard all of this before. I will remain strong and stick to my guns. I am a strong lover and I need and desreve the same in return... I am what you call and endless optimist. But he has caused a few clouds to roll in. But I am strong and will not be defeated by this. You live love and learn I will not change any thing about myself. Due to the fact I did my part I remained faithful loyal and supportive. I am everything a GOOD MAN wants in his life. So I walk away with my head held high. I did my part I remained true to who I am.

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Get it done! Woohoo! Lol

1 Some men aren't programed that way at all and you can't change that

To the men could be bored in the bedroom... (doing the same thing over and over the same way does it a little tiring) Try to try something different.. handcuffs maybe? Roleplay? Strip poker or some other game?

3 he's just a idoit and yea...

4 he's a womanizing jerk who's the low life of the earth

I also am living proof that once a cheater not always a cheater. Years ago I had a boyfriend who cheated on me often then denied it left and right, he even hit on my best friend at the time! I tried to end it but he kept begging me to stay so I cheated on him! When he found out of course he was devastated but at that point I didn't care because my feelings for him were gone.
It is not in my nature to cheat but circumstances pushed me into it. I have had several relationships after that and didn't cheat on any of them. Only that one time... so once a cheater doesn't mean always a cheater. However there are some people who can't help it and are serial cheaters but not everyone who cheat will cheat again.

Why do some guys get bored... sometimes its because of the woman... sometimes it's the guys own fault for not getting creative.

I've known some painfully boring women in bed. Some said nothing is going in MY mouth... some said nothing is going in MY butt... some said both...

What is common between them is they thought their cootchie was special and no man should ever tire of it, and its all any man should ever want or need. And that all they had to do was lay on their back and spread their legs.

Fact is if you do the same thing the same way long enough it gets boring... and when it gets boring interest will drift.

There is no excuse for not keeping things interesting for well beyond 20 years or more. But both people have to have an interest in keeping things interesting by trying new things and keeping an open mind.

I've done it for 17 years and there is no reason others can't as well.

Many men are exquisitely boring, in bed and elsewhere. I've known men who would not even turn around in the bed.

What about women that do put it in their mouth and/ or their butt, and then their boyfriend still cheats?

I don't understand either to why men cheat on their significant others.. Iv'e been in a relationshipe for almost two years with the same one.. he dumped me last year at this time for some girl on the internet.. stayed with her for about 6 weeks. Came crawling back to the place that I was @ when we first met and was begging my friends to get them to help him get me back. I had decided that if he wanted trash like that , that he was not worthy of me and I had moved on.. He found out that I wasn't going to set around and mope for him . I took him back feb of this year and it has been better then ever... no cheating only concern for me and gets worried if I stay away from him for sometime and comes running.. lol.. he is younger then me.. Guess he finally figured out what he had wasn't just kindling and actually was real firewood.. I don't know what to tell you but to only go with your heart and what it tells you and do not listen to others.. If the guy really loves you he will do just what mine has done and stick with it...

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Originally Posted by blackshield

What about women that do put it in their mouth and/ or their butt, and then their boyfriend still cheats?

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Well in that case you have found one of the real payers... who will do it just because they can... and for no other reason. At some point in their life they will come to terms with what they have lost. And end up alone or with someone far less exciting to be with in the end.

And yes there are women like that as well.

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Originally Posted by asking

Many men are exquisitely boring, in bed and elsewhere. I've known men who would not even turn around in the bed.

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No doubt about that as well based on what previous girlfriends and just some lady friends have confided with me about. Boring can happen on either side... or both.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

What is common between them is they thought their cootchie was special and no man should ever tire of it, and its all any man should ever want or need. And that all they had to do was lay on their back and spread their legs.

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And let's say a few words about the men who think their penises should be bronzed and on display somewhere. They think all they have to do is show up and wave it around and women will be so dazzled they'll lose all reason.

I used to love the guys you'd meet in a bar who would suddenly lean over and say, "I have 10 inches." While an ice breaker, certainly, nothing that ever swept me off my feet!

My standard reply was that the 10" must make it difficult for them to walk around like a normal person.

This is not solely a female thing - not at all.

EDIT AND PS - Why is always 10"? Why not 9"? Or 11? Inquiring minds want to know.

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smoothy agrees: Completely agree.

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So if you agree, smoothy, could you stop dumping exclusively on women all the time about sexual performance? It seems like you are promulgating the stereotype that women are all frigid or boring or uninterested in sex, and men are all sexually healthy, which, if you read this forum regularly, is clearly not the case. I feel that you lack perspective in this area and always see the same thing (an unsatisfactory woman) no matter what the situation.

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Originally Posted by blackshield

What about women that do put it in their mouth and/ or their butt, and then their boyfriend still cheats?

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Because it's not always about the sex -

I have done probably a thousand matrimonial surveillances over the years. Maybe more. I have posted before that I continue to be amazed. I can count on one hand the number of times it's been about the sex. Maybe it's the EXCITEMENT of the "forbidden" sex but that's a different thing.

As far as not being sexually satisfied and cheating for that one reason - I almost never hear it.

I've seen men (primarily), married to beautiful, successful, sensual women out there with someone plain, working a dead end job - but listening to him.

Do I think there are serial cheaters? Yes. Do I think "cheat once, cheat always?" No. Would I stay with someone who cheated on me and wasn't remorseful or acted in an irresponsible way - no. If I stayed, would I ever talk about it? No. It would either be over and we would be together OR it would NOT be over and we would NOT be together.

That having been said - every person is different, every relationship is different so I don't think there's one cut in stone answer.

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Originally Posted by asking

So if you agree, smoothy, could you stop dumping exclusively on women all the time about sexual performance? It seems like you are promulgating the stereotype that women are all frigid or boring or uninterested in sex, and men are all sexually healthy, which, if you read this forum regularly, is clearly not the case. I feel that you lack perspective in this area and always see the same thing (an unsatisfactory woman) no matter what the situation.

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Well, that I won't do for a couple of reasons... I'll spell them out.

Lack of knowledge is something that can be remidyed with acknowledgement and desire to improve. This applies to both sexes.
Key here is willingness to see the problem and take steps to improve it. Consider this like making the most of an education. Some people have more talent than others... it what you make of it however that counts.

However the case I reffer to mostly is not lack of knowledge... its unwillingness to even approach certain topics by some women... as in oral and anal. That is intentional closed minded unwillingness to resolve an issue. True it's their right to be that way but they also forfit the right to complain about being considered dull and boring. Consider this like dropping out of high school because you don't want to work at it. Refusing to do what it takes is no excuse to avoid blame for a failure that results.

And I have experienced women, and more than a few on both ends of the scale as well as in the middle.

And yes I was with one woman that was so absolutely horrible in bed that I snuck out at 3 am while she was assleep rather than face her in the morning... yeah I could have handled that one better but I was a lot younger then. She was otherwise a nice woman that was enamored with me and I couldn't find the words to tell her.