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We aren't open when talking about sex. She never says mum during. Oh, maybe an occasional low hmmmm during. We both know I reach a climax, but I don't know if she does or even has. How do I approach her on this subject? What should I ask her? Like I said, she's not open about these sexual matters and I don't want to offend her. I'm so curious. Any suggestions. :confused:
Call me old fashioned but it often amazes me that folks can do something as powerfully intimate and vulnerable as sex :eek: and yet stall out in the talking part. That wasn't meant to be disrespectful, just a small offering of a little context and persepctive, okay? :)
Begin by telling her your truth... that you would like to talk about sex with her. Ease into it by assuring her there is nothing wrong, but that you think it's a worthy topic for two people who care about each other to discuss. If she begins to look jammed up, encourage her by pointing out that surely folks who are doing it ought to be able to talk about it, right? :p That might bring a little laugh, be sure to laugh with her. Laughing is good to release nervousness! Then ask her if this is possible for her to do and if so, what might offend her in a conversation. She will likely tell you so listen and if you don't understand something, ASK. Hopefully that gets you off to a fine start ha ha ha. ;)
PS - Often its just the starting it, the breaking of the ice that is hard too!
Just do something that you KNOW pleasures her and right in the middle of it look at her and say "Yeah baby, how does that feel?" while you're still rubbing/licking whatever on her... That should get an answer out of her for you.
First - figure out a way to talk about it.
I've seen different responses.
One girl was NEVER vocal at all but when it hit her she kind of did this thing where it was like her pelvic and lower torso muscles would spasm, and shed kind of hold her breath.
Try oral. This is where you really can get help from her (what she likes) if shell give it. Usually when I've seen someone climax orally they'll push you away because the feeling is so intense that more stimulation can be too much. The downside is that I think what one woman likes orally can be different from another (just like intercourse) so again, there's just no substitute for a little direction.
I dated one girl who hated the idea of giving any direction during sex. Until she did. And it helped us find an absolute hit out of the park almost every time "trick" for her. Not really a trick at all, just the right kind of stim at the right time. Unfortunately the next woman HATED it. Oh well. All part of the fun.
If you're only doing intercourse do you always run the show? Is she ever on top? Different positions do diff things. Many guys when young, myself included, start with the "SHOCK AND AWE" approach, pounding away like morons without a clue. Well its true. I've really never brought a girl to climax this way, but maybe that's just me or the women I've been with. Or just me.
And, as I've mentioned here before, what works best for me only occasionally (at best) gets my woman off. Most of the time I need to focus on her and hold back if we are really both going to get to that spot... and sometimes you hold back and you lose it but she gets there. Yippie.
But the biggest thing has already been mentioned. You need to find a way to open this up to discussion. Maybe one night simply tell her at the beginning that this night is all about her. Start with a nice massage and ask her if it feels nice. That can start her talking perhaps. Get her relaxed, take your time. You didn't state whether oral is an option with you. If it is, again you should be able to slowly progress and occasionally ask her if it feels good... should it be softer, harder, etc.
If its intercourse try to mix up the stimulation. There isn't just one errogenous zone and stim a few diff ones and changing it up can help build up the tension.
The more you can get her to talk about it the better off you both will be.
Good Idea,maybe if I open up more, she will as well
I'm not opposed to oral, but she's so sensitive that she uses extra amount of lubricant, that I have to wear a lot of it off a little before I go there. When I do go there, she's just a inanimated and I don't want to bore her.
First things first... open the lines of communication. Tell her that you want to be more open about your sex life. Let her know that you are concerned about how little the communication is and that you want it to be something that you can share together.
Lack of natural lubrication can be a result of a number of things, but if foreplay and oral before lubricant isn't getting her naturally lubricated then maybe she isn't getting what she needs, which is where the communication comes in play. Now she might also simply need more lubricant regardless of her mental/physical state. You say she is not animated during oral. Does she do nothing? Not caress herself at all? I did date one girl who I could never, ever excite orally. The next guy she dated could (we were still close friends and talked about sex and dating others) so there was just something I didn't get that he did that she couldn't or didn't ask for. Oh well.
Generally I would use lubricant only after oral if she was mentally ready for sex but physically needed the lubricant... but like I said, I'm sure there are people who simply need to use more generally.
You never stated whether some positions are better than others for her response. Is she more animated on top? That can hit the c1itoral region. From behind can stim g spot more and if she self stimulates c1itoral that might be good. Also, a few of the ladies here swear that the man standing and the womon mounted with her legs around his hips is a killer position for both g spot and c1itoral.
Hmmmm. Your description of her is beginning to ring a few bells for me.Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Curious
I could have easily been described like that at one time. And I did not want to talk about it either because I sitting on a big psychological problem that I was ashamed of so I was hiding it, denying it and hoping he wouldn't notice. Sexual abuse does some really wicked stuff. This is still a little difficult to talk about even today. Please be prepared that, if you talk about it with her and she reveals something along those line, that you will help her find help.
I would have never sought the help I got had it not been for a very caring man who broke the ice with me, and then lovingly insisted I get help. I will never forget his kindness.
Dude, all you got to do no matter what is get her **** to wiggle while you are doing her or whatever. Just make sure it rubs against your skin whenever you on top or bottom whatever. That will make her wet, that will make her ***. And you will know it.
There could be many other underlying reasons, and one good one suggested by valinors..
The others could be medications. Some of the medications that inhibit arousal are beta blockers (heart medication) antihistamines (sinus medication - those that dry up the sinuses - well they can dry up other parts), and then of course there are antidepressants - they can put a damper on many things that we normally produce.
I'm sure that there are other medications out there that inhibit.. so ask her if she's on any of them on a regular basis.
This issue is a lot more common than what we read or hear - it is just something we women don't like to admit. I think it's very caring of you to want to ensure that she's satisfied - and not just caring about yourself. I don't think that you're boring her - she probably has a few 'inhibitors' either physical or mental and just has not met the right man to help her discover them.
A relationship has a chance if you both discover more about each other than just the body. The mind has a heck of a lot to do with your emotional equilibrium and sexual satisfaction.
Good luck, and please keep us posted.
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I think we both like her riding. Recently, with her driving and me going with her cadence where the tip(maybe fist inch and a half of my penis) is entered and withdrawn completely, reinserted, withdrawn, and so on and so on... my be stimulating her the most get the most reaction(not vocally) but action on her part. I'm on the small side and the amount of my penis being used in this scenario helps me last longer and her most animated. If I could just get a couple "yes, yes, yes" or something vocal in that manner, it would make me feel like things are "almost there. I may come out next time this is happening and say(as someone else suggested) "like that Honey?".
Before you just starting getting vocal with her out of the blue, I strongly suggest bringing it up outside of the bedroom (or at least out of the bed). What I mean is that you should get the lines of communication before you just start doing something out of the ordinary. You don't know why she is this way and something like that could really set her off and ruin the whole thing. Once that happens, it can be a hard road just to get back to where you are now.
So first, try talking with her... not while your having sex. And not right after you just had sex. But find sometime that you two are just talking and just bring it up. Find out where she's at.
You never know... "like that, Honey" could be exactly what the person said to her that put her in this mindset... if that is the case. You should really beware of that sort of thing.
At least if you bring it up, it will not be a surprise to her if you start to try or do new things. But if its just out of the blue... I have seen girls take that COMPLETELY the wrong way!
Believe it or not, we are not all VOCAL. Has it ever dawned on you that those vocal girls you've had just might have faked it? They could have learned all that vocal stuff in movies, but in reality, it's not important.Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Curious
It's the swelling inside, the muscles enclosing your penis, the red glow on her face, and don't forget the change in breathing, taking the lead when on top - does she rush it or does she 'glow'?. Hello.. do you notice things like that?
Once you've discovered these things, and are assured that there is a 'reaction' you can later talk about being vocal - if she even wants to be vocal in bed.
We women don't always want to hear a 'yeah, baby, that's good' right in the middle, sometimes we just like to enjoy the feeling, and then compliment afterwards with cuddling, kisses, and maybe a cigarette.
Just as it's been suggested before, talk about things outside of the bedroom. And by all means, try to discover together what you like about each other outside of sex.. then things should fall in place.
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Out of the bedroom? We're talking about a person that very rarely says a word about what goes on behind closed doors. It's part of her upbringing and I'm shure she never ever had any idea about any the goings on sexually in her parents life. She's mine for life. I'm not boasting, but I am 100% sure I have been her only sexual partner.
Buddy, in this short answer of yours... you've just said it all in a nutshell. Now, if you need further help, just let us know.Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Curious
If she needs further help, let her in on this site and tell her we'll be there for her.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_8_212.gifThis little guy is so cute, I just had to use him here.
Well for what its worth, I have been and remain so totally silent and very subtle in my expression of sexual bliss. It is just how I am. The last thing girls like me want is to be picked on because our plate is already full. I would not only resent it if a man had tried to make me some other way, but it would also ruin the moment and drive me into deeper silence. On the other hand, I have slowly learned to talk openly about it but it still takes some gentle coaxing from my beloved to do so. Talking about it here is also challenging. If she is like this, I believe you are in for a hard time.
She's never seen this site, and I rarely solicit opinions, but thought I like to hear what others had to say on subject. Thank you for your honesty. I'll handle with kid glove and hopefully get her to open up a little. But, if not, can live with it and her.
Hello Mr. Curious:Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Curious
YOU are missing something, and you know it, or you wouldn't have posted your question. You and your wife are sexually repressed. You know why your wife is. You said so just above. Ok, it's time to change...
Frankly, I seriously doubt your last statement, that you can live with it. If it bothers you now, it's going to bother you MORE later – much more.
Kid gloves, HELL. This is your wife - not an employee!! This is INTIMACY we're talking about here. Kid gloves is NOT required for intimacy. As a matter of fact, if you find that you need to use "kid gloves", before you speak to her, then the conversation that results does NOT approach intimacy.
You need to learn about that, and you're not going to learn it here. Marriage counseling is the place to go.
I know you suspect there's another way. Let me give you, within the confines of propriety, some insight into what you're missing.
MOST of my conversations with my mate eventually turn to sex. I tell her ALL about what I want from her. We reminisce about what we did last time and I suggest what we're going to do next time. I tell her about the huge erection she gives me. She tells me how wet she gets. She wears crotchless panties. We make love in the hallway when I get home. We make love on the kitchen sink, on the freeway, in the woods, and surly we'll find more places. Does she orgasm?? Uhhhhh, yup. Loudly, too.
Now, I know that we may be over the top (although I don't think so), but you MUST at least find a middle ground, well beyond where you are now.
excon
Well, the point was that you don't talk about it right before you are about to have sex and DEFINITELY not right after. With the way she is, you don't want her to thing that anything is "wrong" but you want to open her up to the possibility of making things even better. It's a very delicate situation.Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Curious
Im curious... if you don't mind, what is the age range we are talking about here? Advice would definitely be different if you were 20 as opposed to 40? (nothing personal... its just different eras lead to different beliefs about sex. There are certain ways that you need to approach this to do it correctly)
Very good Mr. C. Odds are she is just shy about being vocal, but I happen to know for a fact that if you are truly getting her off, she won't be able to keep her mouth shut. Go ahead, talk a little dirty to her...Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Curious
I think the key issue here is communication. Even if you think she is shy, and you think that she did not have an open relationship with her parents about sexuality, she, just like everyone else has had thoughts about it during her puberty. So, what's preventing her from asking you or friends about their experiences?
You know that she is not going to stay in the 'closet' all her life, and if you intend on a future with her - you will need to eventually find out what her preferences are. This is called "discovering each other" and "communicating". If you don't bring up the subject this does not mean she will not be curious about it. It's your choice if you want her to learn more with you or through other informational input (i.e. friends, books, media, etc.)
Maybe it's still too early in your relationship (in your opinion) to gain the trust and openness that you both need to advance - because nobody keeps the same attitude about anything in life forever. We all learn more and more each day, and communicating our likes and dislikes are a very important part in all of our development.
Again, good luck.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_3_18.gif The more you know, the better you grow! Never make total assumptions about another person, they change all the time.
Listen, people are reading too much into this. If you want to know if she is getting off, then just ask her.
And yes, if she is truly at her climax, some noise or indication of that sort will be made, whether it is from her breathing or vocals, you will know. But beware, women can and do fake orgasms.
You don' t need to do extra research and all that crap-women have a special spot they liked to be "rubbed"-that's it. So just rub it until she can't sit still (or quiet). Then you will know.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Depressed in MO
Hmmm... so this would explain all of the "i can't get off" posts that some women post here? Women who don't know their own anatomy?? I don't think so. Great sex is concerted by the stim of more than one spot on the body, including mental. OBVIOUSLY stim of the c1itoris goes a long way toward reaching that end and much of the time is a primary cause of reaching climax.
So yes, anatomy is pretty basic, but just because step one, two, and three work for you doesn't mean it works for all. I once dated a girl who HATED strong c1itoral stim. And then another who could practically get off in tight jeans. If simply rubbing that area is all that needed to be done, then why have I had to pay attention to the needs and wants of each lover to find out how to pleasure them?
So I think you're oversimplifying the issue... at least for some cases.
"so i think you're oversimplifying the issue...at least for some cases"-I think people overreact on most of these cases. I'm not saying to this guy that this is the only way to do it, I'm simply suggesting something simple or easy for him to start with, which I feel is what he would rather do-before getting "counseling" or whatever like everyone else tells him to do. And by all means, never in any of my posts did I ever say that-that is what worked for me. There are many things that work for me as well as others, but-as previously stated-it's a starter for someone who just asked for simple suggestions in the first place.Quote:
Originally Posted by kp2171
Quote:
Originally Posted by Depressed in MO
"so this would explain all of the "I can't get off" posts that some women post here? women who dont know their own anatomy??? i dont think so."-By the way, these are women who specify that they have been sexually abused in their past, which very well likely justifies why they can't get off...
I can truthfully say that there is nothing simple about my sexuality and being approached as if it were led to a lot of failure before I began to understand that. And sexual failure is never fun. As I got more versed in the wide variances of the sexual world, I discovered there are others like me too - complicated. Now I do understand that for others, some others, it may be simple. But to think it is for everyone is either incredibly naïve or short-sighted.
Why does everyone have to attack people about stupid **** on this site? The dude asked a simple question on how to get his girlfriend off, not about how to get psychotherapy or whatever it is that everyone else suggests (for the most part) I don't give a damn who agrees or disagrees with me, tell your thoughts to the original post, not your opinion on my suggestions because there are no wrong or right answers on here in the first place.
Thank you.
Wow.Quote:
Originally Posted by Depressed in MO
This site is an open forum, open to opinions AND disagreements. I learn more from contrary views than I do from people who say "yes i agree".
You are saying its simpler than we make it to be, and a few say its sometimes more complicated than that. That's it. But anything I post here might be disagreed with. That's OK with me.
I hope its OK with you.
Sure its OK with me, agreeing with someone and disagreeing with someone is fine, but some people's words are a little harsh in regards to the matter... that is all I am saying. You all have given me great advice, things I haven't wanted to hear and things that I liked to hear. But one thing I don't think anyone should put up with is someone else insulting them or their intelligence. I see people here insulting other people's spelling, or language or whatever and quite frankly-its ridiculous. In this case; however, I see people telling me that I'm wrong and that I don't know this or that. There are nicer ways to say things without flat out telling someone they don't know what they are talking about. Anyway, I'm not trying to start another post under the "I can't get my girlfriend off" post. I'm just saying lay off to those who are quick to judge my suggestions-not necessarily my opinion.Quote:
Originally Posted by kp2171
Quote:
Originally Posted by Depressed in MO
Opps... sorry, misread what you said.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Depressed in MO
I almost agree with you but there is one thing you are very wrong about. If you are rubbing a spot that is making her wiggle and mon that doesn't mean it feels good to her. Sorry but the Cl*t has a certain spot that can get very tender to the point of being painful. If she is shy she's not going to telling him where that G spot is if she even knows where it is. And if she is shy she may not even tell him that he's doing it all wrong to the point that she just wants to reach for the lamp and beat him to death with it. No man can really guess what a woman really wants. It's her responsibility to know her body and tell him, other wise he is just guessing. Because he wants to please her they need to talk about this out of the bed. It may be the only way he can help bring her out of her shell. One last thing... No not all woman can fake an orgasm. I couldn't fake it if my life depended on it, when it happens he knows it with out a doubt!
Don't feel bad. The vast majority of women (around 70%) can't climax fromQuote:
Originally Posted by kp2171
Being pounded; they need direct stimulation of the clitoris to reach orgasm. Since the clitoris is located outside the vaginal opening, it is difficult to stimulate by vaginal intercourse alone. Thank goodness we have hands! LOL
I think it's totally sweet that you're curious about this! :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Curious
The most tell-tale sign of orgasm is a series of fast, rhythmic contractions of the vagina. Have you ever felt those when you're inside her?
As to the communications issue: if she's shy, she probably won't appreciate a blunt verbal approach, so maybe the next time you have sex, you could just ask her to guide your hand and show you what feels good to her. Should she ask why, you could tell her you're curious.
You're a 100% right, not all girls are vocal. I dated a guy recently who always wanted me to be loud, even though I didn't want to, he refused any foreplay, and always wanted to do it with the lights on. Then he had the nerve to tell me I'd never find anyone who was as good at sex as him. Not surprisingly, I never had an orgasm with him. He expected everything to be like a porno. And porn sucks. Those people don't love each other, there is nothing there. I was never even wet with him, he always had to use lube.Quote:
Originally Posted by Chery
Then I'm with a guy now who is super affectionate, he's really slow and does LOTS of foreplay and fingering first, and I love being fingered because penetration really hurts me and if a guy goes too fast or hard I have no enjoyment at all, but he fingers and kisses me and touches me until I'm ready, and he always ALWAYS waits until I take his clothes and boxers off, he never pushes anything on me ever. We're both 18 and I'm his first but he gives me the best sex I have ever had simply because he is so passionate and gentle. However he does the same "No talking" thing, but I used to do that too.
Your girlfriend might just be shy and need time to open up, maybe you could encourage her with some heavy breathing of your own, wait until she follows suit, move up to a small moan or something, and etc. You don't have to bust out an "OH YES BABY!!" randomly in the middle of silent sex, take it gradual.
Also, I would be so freaking pissed if someone wanted to take me to marriage counseling because I was quiet during sex. Don't ever do that, talk to her about it. Just bring it up like the next morning or something, "Did you like what I did last night?" and lead the conversation on. A few times of doing that and you two should at least be a little more comfortable talking about sex
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