We have been together 6yrs... in the beginning, the sex was great and often... he told me, he was divorced---that he had always been highly sexed and his exwife never wanted it enough---he got married to her at 27 and their marriage lasted 4 yrs... we had sex ALL the time----I was satisfied and thrilled...

We had a son who is now 5... sex was still great during the pregnancy and up until our son was about 3... then it started to taper off and be devoid of passion...

Even though this guy would NEVER admit this to me... I just think he is not attracted to me anymore... we NEVER have sex... it sucks... he never even looks at me in a sexual manner...

We live together and we have for 6 yrs... he now sleeps in another room...

I have asked him if he is cheating... he completely denies this...

I just wonder if it's his attraction to me...

I definitely am not as thin as I once was,,

I lost all of the baby weight fast and the sex was good even when I was pregnant..

But, lately, I am probably 20 lbs heavier than before...

I am just wondering---from a guy's perspective---or from a girl if you have gone through this----what in the world is the reason he has lost all attraction---sexual and otherwise towards me??

Is there anything I can do or should I just look for another lover/ we are not married--but, I am too young and sexually frustrated to be in a sexless relationship

Please, please advise...

Unfortunately, it is possible he has lost attraction towards you.

Talk to him, SERIOUSLY. Something is wrong... if this continue's... why be with him?

Dear in a true relationship, the man will love you and think ou are sexy if you have false teeth
(no teeth) gain 100 lbs and perhaps get disabled in a wreck.
That is love.

If the relationship was just sex based that gets old after time as couples get into a rut.

Since he moved to another room, I would say he has the or a problem.

There is something else going on in this relationship and the sex is but a symptom.

You need to find out. What are his reasons for moving from your bedroom, as that's a very drastic step to take, and more like anger than a lost sex drive.

Look beyond the lack of sex, and see what other things are going on, he may not be happy about.

Well, we stopped having sex--I should say our sexual frequency dropped to at most once a mth, long before he moved out of the bedroom...

His reasons for moving to the couch are twofold

He says his snoring bothers me--which it does, but not enough to sleep alone
And he doesn't like the TV on while he sleeps---which we have always kept on at a low volume for six yrs... so, his excuses are just that----excuses...

I just want to know if me being 120lbs---when I used to weigh 105 is the reason, and if so,, if I can lose it will he be attracted again??

Once a man loses his attraction to a woman is he ever able to regain his sexual attraction back?? Please answer this honestly, because I think the answer is no... and some guys lie and say yes because they don't want to look shallow

Oh come off that. Looking for excuses that blame you, are not wise, and stop you from seeing the real problem, because your looking in the wrong place.

Trust me, its his lack of communicating with you that's at the heart of the matter and whatever it is, may take some drastic measure to get him to open up.

Instead of looking at yourself, look at what has changed, or any other big event that may have occurred (arguments, disagreements, work stress, home stress, etc.).

That's where your answers lie. Sex or no sex, you need to let him know that sleeping separately bothers you.

It happens. Humans get bored sometimes. Having sex with the same person year after year is kind of like eating prime rib for dinner every night... eventually some of us will get tired of it and want something different.

What usually happens for those who still like each other, is less sex... it might drop to once or twice a month... but NO sex? Highly unlikely. We men have a much stronger drive than the average woman, so unless your guy has E.D, he is getting it somewhere. Maybe he's Bi, maybe he's a Zoo, maybe he is paying for it... but he's NOT going without.

I suggest a marriage counselor. If he refuses, then it's time to take matters into your own hands and start dating.

I agree with others---there's something else going on BESIDES the sex here.

The fact that you're willing to blame 15 measly pounds for the whole thing says a LOT to me about how dependent you are on this guy for yourself esteem.

I know it's hard, and it sucks--but you need to let him know that the options at this point are that he talks to you, you BOTH go talk to a marriage counselor, or since he's moved out of the bedroom, he may as well move out of the house and out of the relationship so that you can find someone that's willing to satisfy you intimately (and please note---intimacy and sex are tied together, but are NOT the same thing).

There are several issues that could be the problem here--but NONE of them have to do with you gaining 15 pounds over 6 years.

Healthy men always have a sex life, girl.

Often, women get all wrapped up in a baby or in how they feel, and forget that a person has to be interesting, be a doer, in order to stimulate a partner! Men get tired of women who are "depressed" or who are nagers, complainers and blamers. I DON'T KNOW IF THIS APPLIES TO YOU.

It is easy for a woman to blame a few pounds for a failing relstionship instead of seeing herself as she really is.

It is a big problem that you aren't married... you have a child.

Time to get the TV out of the bedroom, tonight. Time to save your relationship. He is still living with you.

Best wishes going forward, :)

Thanks everyone for your responses... he's very happy sleeping in another room... I have tried to get him to sleep in the same room with me again... I try talking to him, but he brushes me off... he doesn't even want to talk about what we should buy for the week for our groceries...

I guess it's just the end of this relationship... I wish it was something else...

He will not go to counseling... he would never admit we have a problem...

It's easier for him to ignore me than talk to me...

It's not the nagging... I usually leave him alone... try to be upbeat and talk to him a few times a day,. he acts like I am really bothering him when I talk to him about anything

I travel for a living... so I am go a few days a week... it's not like I am in his hair...

He does sleep in the bedroom when I travel... my five yr old tells me

Quote:

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Originally Posted by wectmall

thanks everyone for your responses....he's very happy sleeping in another room...I have tried to get him to sleep in the same room with me again....I try talking to him, but he brushes me off.....he doesn't even want to talk about what we should buy for the week for our groceries.....

I guess it's just the end of this relationship....I wish it was something else...

He will not go to counseling....he would never admit we have a problem....

it's easier for him to ignore me than talk to me...

It's not the nagging... I usually leave him alone...try to be upbeat and talk to him a few times a day,.....he acts like I am really bothering him when I talk to him about anything

I travel for a living...so I am go a few days a wk......it's not like I am in his hair...

He does sleep in the bedroom when i travel... my five yr old tells me

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Well, I guess you have gotten your question answered. Find a place to live and move out on him. He for whatever reasons has closed the door on your relationship. Too bad you did not see this before you had children together.

Raise the rent. If he wants his own room let him pay for it.

Yea... it's my house, and he doesn't work... kinda tough... he watches our son who is 5 when I travel... I think he just likes living rent and bill free... he pays for nothing...

Honey, it's time to move on. Take the kid, get a better guy. Dump this guy, maybe something really serious is bothering him, but some people have a hard time saying it... he'll blow up one day if so lol... idk

Time is precious, use it wisely.

Try putting something sexy on. Lol. There's nothing a guy loves better than a girl in sexy lingerie. I've done it because I thought my boyfriend was getting tired of me and our sex life has sky rocketed. If it doesn't work then yeah it's time to ditch him and find yourself someone new.

My husband went through this with his parents... mom lived upstairs and dad lived downstairs. You would not believe the amount of trauma this indirectly placed on my husband because it went on for 2 years before they finally separated and divorced. This is not good for your son and this is not a healthy relationship for anyone... its toxic actually. You can try to talk to him and get help but I think you need to cut the umbilical cord and move on with your son. You don't need a slob living off you... put the money into your son's future or buy a new car why are you supporting him? He obviously doesn't do anything for you and if there are no mutual benefits in the relationship then stop giving yourself up and into it. Is he home a lot? Are you sure he isn't seeing anyone else? Sounds fishy to me. Best of luck.

He is home all of the time! Of course he's home a lot, and I travel four days a week... it's like he has hatred for me for no reason!

My friends think he is seeing someone----who knows? He let himself go... I wear sexy things as a rule... he definitely does not find me sexy...

The poster who said her b/fs parents lived this way for two yrs pretty much put it into perspective for me... I was waiting to read that everything was made better by_________fill in the blank... but they split...

Wish I was getting something, at least something little for him living in my house rent and bill free... initially we had sex and did things together and he took care of our son while I travelled... now, he just takes care of our son while I travel...

Oh well, guess if I could get a livein nanny who would live here and watch my son in exchange for room and board, I can get rid of him... but until then, there is no possible way I can afford a livein nanny...

Sex is easy to find :) if he isn't giving it to you then find someone who will... you travel a lot and your sexy why don't you meet someone even if its casual? If you do split up, what, he won't continue to watch his own son? You can't have him for 3 days a week? Is he unable to be employed full time because of your career? Traveling jobs do strain marriages... well not in all cases but some, my husband said when we where just dating that if I ever became an overseas flight attendant (which I was contemplating at the time) he would break up with me because he can't stand long distance relationships... so obviously I didn't. Others though... function extremely well and require personal space. He does have the time to see someone but maybe its not that... maybe its medical? Maybe he is depressed? Maybe he just gave up on the relationship because he was exhausted? Sex isn't everything... and it won't fix anything... sometimes it confuses things. When was the last time you guys had a heart to heart conversation? Date? Have you invited him out with you and your son? Christmas is around the corner how about driving around looking at lights or something like that? Do you still love him? Sorry don't mean to be a pest and ask so many questions but I am getting concerned about him my boyfriend's dad was depressed and his mom had mental problems from pills... they also did not have attraction to each other. Now that they are divorced though you can see that there was a lost connection but they will never get back together again. What about getting professional help?

So since he is a live in nanny, tell him your getting a boyfriend, and stay out of your bedroom, when your gone.

Thanks, guys for your input! I actually am a flight attendant! Sure, I could find someone... that really wasn't the route I wanted to take, but considering my life has been sexless for sooooo long, I guess I can't go too much longer... no matter how hard I try to be nice to him and engage him to try to talk or do things with me, he just blows me off... end of story... it's sad

I would say the love ended when he ignored me for the past six months... the indifference became worse and worse on his end... I tried everything...

Now I have pretty much thrown in the towel... he just wants me to be gone as much as possible... when I am home he asks when I am going out---he would rather be home alone...

I hope myself esteem isn't too damaged to find someone else... I feel very bad about myself...

Time to get him out of your life.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by wectmall

thanks, guys for your input! I actually am a flight attendant! Sure, I could find someone....that really wasn't the route I wanted to take, but considering my life has been sexless for sooooo long, I guess I can't go too much longer....no matter how hard I try to be nice to him and engage him to try to talk or do things with me, he just blows me off.....end of story....it's sad

I would say the love ended when he ignored me for the past six mths....the indifference became worse and worse on his end...I tried everything.....

now I have pretty much thrown in the towel...he just wants me to be gone as much as possible...when I am home he asks when I am going out---he would rather be home alone....

I hope my self esteem isn't too damaged to find someone else...I feel very bad about myself...

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I am glad you said you're a flight attendant. At least we have a point on the physical side from which to tell you that it's unlikely that it's an attraction issue. As a general rule, airlines don't hire unattractive people, do they? If I understand it correctly, I think there are fairly strict weight limits too. Of course, I could have told you that I didn't think it was an attraction issue many posts ago, like many others did, because 20 pounds over a period of years, including a child, is not anything that would instantly turn someone unattractive. Period. It's really, really not about your physical appearance. Like fr_chuck said, someone who really loves you will stick with you even if you lose all of your teeth.

I think it's perfectly normal that you're feeling down. It's a common effect of feeling regularly rejected, a failing relationship, placing inappropriate kinds of blame on yourself, and feeling half trapped in a stale situation. Well, the truth is that you're not trapped. Your husband is probably feeling more trapped if he's feeling depressed, he doesn't have a job to support himself financially or to keep his self-esteem going, and he's not in regular contact with healthy adults.

Now that you're beginning to see things differently, you can take the love you still have for him and do both of you a favor. It sounds like it's time to end it. He'll have to start walking on his own, and you can start to get your real life back. I think you'll be amazed at how much energy you have once you start putting things together on your own.

Getting a nanny sounds like a great solution, as could be joint custody, especially if your husband remains able to take care of him. I had Scandinavian nannies/au pairs throughout my entire childhood, and I was very lucky to have such great girls in my life. You might find that if you're not paying all of your husband's expenses, you will have a decent amount of extra money at the end of each day.

Hang in there, and don't be so hard on yourself.

Sorry that he isn't better to you.

I could, and usually do, go on and on...

Why?

You deserve more. He wants less. Pretty clear cut, even if it's a painful cut.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by xoxaprilwine

my husband said when we where just dating that if I ever became an overseas flight attendant (which I was contemplating at the time) he would break up with me because he can't stand long distance relationships...so obviously I didn't.

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I think that's stupid. I would have taken the job with or without the threat. If he loved you he would have understood it was for your own good. He could have moved with you. And if he did leave you it would have meant he didn't love you as much as you thought he did. A job's more important than a relationship. It's like when one of my ex's gave me the choice of moving out of my apartment and move back in with my parents and if I didn't he would have left me. I told him I wasn't moving out of my apartment and in with my parents. There's more to the story but I ended up staying in with my roomie and he left me. That's how I know he never loved me like he said he did.

But anyway... I think she should leave the guy if she's not getting what she wants. A relationship sucks without sex.

Hehe... I know babygurl maybe he was scared of losing me overseas :)... if I went back home who is to say I would come back here in Canada? I have family out in Europe too and he knew that. There was a lot in my life that I could have done but I made sacrifices, he supported me and put me through college for something else and we dated for 6 years and now married for 4 BUT not everyone finds their husband at fresh 16 either :).

My hunch was correct about your career being a flight attendant... you are going through the same things my hubby's parents did. It sounds like you both hit a brick wall and there is no climbing it. You say that he wants you gone as much as possible and you through in the towel. So to be clear you have talked it over with him and he has made it clear that its over and he does not want to put any effort into the relationship? If it is over for you maybe you shouldn't just through in the towel but the laundry basket too... get a live-in-nanny on employment contract... because your giving them room-and-board they tend to be better priced and more stable.

my wife doesn't travel all the time... not daily, even weekly... but she does travel a decent amount, often out of the states.

she is gorgeous, naughty, works in a male dominated field. Last years trip to europe? Out of 30 people attending a conference she was the only woman there who wasn't taking phone messages or getting coffee. Men in other countries don't know what to do with her, as a strong, pretty woman who will put your back to the wall. Think someone's shoe proverbially pressing down on your throat hurts? Hurts even more when it's a stiletto apparently.

*inside joke* when she's hit an international roadblock because some dumbarse guy an ocean away just can't seem to take her demands serously because she's a "she", the common line when she comes home is "the day sucked. tried to get work done but my damn vagina got in the way"... you probably have to be there... idiots. *

my point is I KNOW when she travels she is going to get attention. She is going to get propositioned. Drinks bought for her. Keys to rooms offered to her.

I'm a jealous man. I've been angry enough at times that my body physically ached for the lack of beating the guy who just came onto her into pulp.

at the same time... I love that she's a flirt. That she loves attention. And that she is probably stronger than me. She's true. Honest. Grounded. Faithful.

my trust is her is just far enough reaching that it completely negates my jealousy.

now... no applause from the gallery for my "enlightened" position. It isn't about me. Its about her. She deserves all the trust I have. Whether she's in town or a 12 hour plane flight away.

so... the problem is mostly with him, some with the relationship. He is obviously insecure and untrusting enough that it doesn't matter how true you are... his needs aren't being met. That doesn't mean he's a bad guy... it just means it's a bad fit.

you knew what he said about your career and you chose career. That doesn't mean you were wrong... just maybe wrong for him.

I'm not one to easily say "shake off any man who is trouble or work"... probably because I'm a man, for one... =)... and also I think marriage takes work, sometimes ugly work that isn't fun or pretty. Having been through a about of depression myself, having this affect my relationship with my spouse, I'm grateful that she was willing to work through my noise. She isn't a saint. She has holes in her armor. But she hung in there while I found a way to pull my head out of a dark place.

but you say he won't go to counseling... he's chosen the "easier" path of ignoring any issues... and that means he's put it all on you. You get to stay in a relationship without real intimacy, connection, trust and you get childcare (and the child gets the immediate love and attention of the father)... or you step back, pull away (putting distance between your child and the father and making logistics more complicated)...

sorry you are in this place. You know this isn't sustainable and that you are going to need to work on a plan to get out.

the sad thing is this... a man who has often failed to be the man he needs to be to maintain a marriage often becomes the man he needed to be after he loses it, much to the frustration of the woman who left him. If you leave him, I hope that he is that man... who steps up for his kids sake.

again... sorry you are in this place. As long as he isn't willing to talk about it, deal with it, or seek help... you get the "prize" of doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship.

most of us can do that for only so long... then at some point, you must kick the weight off your back.

Agree. Well said.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Dear in a true relationship, the man will love you and think ou are sexy if you have false teeth
(no teeth) gain 100 lbs and perhaps get disabled in a wreck.
That is love.

If the relationship was just sex based that gets old after time as couples get into a rut.

since he moved to another room, I would say he has the or a problem.

---

I agree with fr chuck in a relationship love covers all the physical cracks and you see the beauty they are, that's it.. if he's moved to another room, is it already over and no one wants to say it?
If yer staying together for your child.. DONT.. neither you, your child or your partner will benefit from this.

Has there been communication issues. Something he had been repeatedly trying to expres that you might have ignored or recognised but brushed off? THere is usually a root cause for this, somethimes it iis communication or lack thereof. Maybe he feels you ignored something important to him? Hard to be sure but it's a possible cause.

I agree with smoothy too. Are you sure something wasn't missed? That you guys can't work on this before you do end it for good?

Maybe he is feeling jealous and threatened that you have a career, money and a home? Maybe this is his way of punishing you somehow?