I have been living with a guy for almost a year now and care about him a lot. There was someone else before we got together. The first guy and I just saw each other occasionally and texted back and forth-but never had sex. I still did it even though I moved in with this other guy.

The first guy and I saw each other a couple times and continued to text mainly about our lives and talk dirty to each other as well. One day he finally told me where he lived and invited me over at lunch time. We had sex and it was so intense and passionate-I absolutely loved it and so did he. Now whenever he works from home he lets me know and I go over at lunch. We are just "f" buddies and I like it that way and so does he.

The first guy doesn't know I currently live with someone so I am lying to both of them. I do feel a little guilty, but not really.

I just got out of a 23 year marriage where I was very faithful and now feel I am free to do as I please. I have a good relationship with the one I live with except for the sex part-not that great or passionate (just sex) basically. So I feel I am getting the best of both worlds. We do use protection by the way...

I used to be so into being faithful and you shouldn't lie to your partner. I feel I should have fun now. Is this a bad thing?

Put the shoe on the other foot. Picture the other guy in your life you care about doing this to you? How would you feel.

You are living with him... not his roommate. There is a distinct difference between them.

Keep the old addage in mind.

"Whats good for the goose is good for the gander"

I see several problems here. One you just ended a 23 year marriage and have already moved in with some guy? After 23 years you need, no MUST live on your own for at least two years before you are even close to emotionally being ready for another relationship. I suggest that you move to a place of your own and fast. Then consider learning about yourself before you consider sex with anyone. Sex for sex sake is meaningless sex and from your post I am guessing you are using sex to get what you want. Free rent, free food, a chance at the good life, whatever the heck that means?

Yes, it is a bad thing. Unless you have very clear rules to the contrary, cohabitation definitely implies monogamy. You are free to go out and sleep with whomever you want, but you don't have the right to do that if you're lying to them. Lying and deceiving are wrong, period.

So, in my opinion, you either need to stop seeing the first guy, or you have to change the rules with the guy you're living with. Of course, I would be very surprised if the guy you're living with would accept those rules. It would probably end in a break-up from his side. But since you don't seem to have all that much respect for him in the first place (because if you did, you wouldn't be lying or cheating on him), it's probably the best option anyway.

I think it is *just fine* for you to have a terrific sex life as long as you can keep it all straight. :) After all, you are a mature woman; you can do what you want to do as long as you don't get or spread any disease.

Make sure you don't get the urge to confess to either of them!. no confession allowed, no game playing.

OH, and don't get engaged to either of them. As long as you are not engaged(pledges monogamy), you are honest and can do what you want to.

Time is a-passin'

LIve Life!
Love LIfe!

I think it wrong, I'm sure you know it too.

I do not support your reasoning in that you were faithful for X amount of years and now you are deserving of fun. You are hurting people, could not the same be said for criminal activity?

I'd end it and tell the truth.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Choux

I think it is *just fine* for you to have a terrific sex life as long as you can keep it all straight. :) After all, you are a mature woman; you can do what you want to do as long as you don't get or spread any disease.

Make sure you don't get the urge to confess to either of them!....no confession allowed, no game playing.

OH, and don't get engaged to either of them. As long as you are not engaged(pledges monogamy), you are honest and can do what you want to.

Time is a-passin'

LIve Life!
Love LIfe!

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I don't see how being 40+ (or 50+ or 60+) means that it's okay to cheat. That's all this is about. The post should say: I'm cheating on 2 people, one of whom I'm living with, and I don't feel guilty about it. Oh, I used to be a faithful person, and I was married once. So why should I care? Actually, that is basically what it says.

Although there will be people who disagree with my take on this, I don't see the confession as necessary as I think that ending at least half of it is (unless an std is in the picture). Of course, if I were either of those guys, I would most certainly like to know what kind of person (or mindset) I was really dealing with.

If she wants to date or have sex with different people, that's up to her. But she still has to be up front about it.

Lying, cheating and deceitfulness are wrong at any age. I don't see where the justifications come into play...

You are too emotional and unsophisticated, lin.

If she is not engaged, she hasn't pledged to be monogamous; she is a grown woman and can do what she enjoys.

I am a grown woman and know how to make decisions. I know that I want to be happy and seeing two different people makes me very happy and content. They both have different things I like about them and are totally different. One is a very rough and down and dirty honest hard working country boy and the other a highly educated man. I can be myself around either one of them and feel totally comfortable.

The one I live with and I used to argue a lot when it came to initimacy and he has trouble with it because he never really knew how to be close and intimate. I tried showing him and explaining to him and he just has no interest at all. The other one is very good at it and so I am happy with both guys.

Why can men sleep with more than one person and that is OK, but a woman can't? That I will never understand.

I like everyone's opinion and appreciate your answers.

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Originally Posted by Choux

You are too emotional and unsophisticated, lin.

If she is not engaged, she hasn't pledged to be monogamous; she is a grown woman and can do what she enjoys.

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I don't agree here. She may no be engaged... but she is living with and sleeping with a man, not merely roommates with a man where she has her own room pays half the rent and has no sexual relationship him.

That implies a relationship. And that sort of relationship is beyond casual dating and thus implies monogamy to most people.

True she is an adult and can do what she wishes. But that doesn't make it right, or moral. If she wan't to go bed hopping she needs to move out and rent her own place. Otherwise she is playing the worst sort of game on the guy she is living and sleeping with.

Choux is right. However, the rights and wrongs of the world interfere with the exploration of self, sex and life experience. The answer to this question is in the heart.

If all people were honest and loving, there would be no need for "rules." Asking such a question is asking for right and wrong to be slung at you like clods of dirt. The world we currently live in is pretty black and white, like opinions.

Roomates don't share a bed. Benefits or not. When that bed and bedroom are shared on a daily basis monogamy is implied.

18 or 58 it still applies.

With STD's out there she is risking this mans health because he is not aware she is out there sleeping around then coming home to him. He has a legitimate say in this as its HIS house she is staying at. She is hiding this from him.

Personally I'd toss her bags out on the street if it was me. There would be no excuse for it I would accept. If he was aware of it and agreed to it then it would be different. He has done neither. Man#2 could obviously care less. He gets a piece of tail and has nothing invested. Man #1 has to look at her every day. TO me that's the ultimate in deception. No different than a wife or fiancée running around. Living together is vastly different than casual dating... and only a gnats hair from engaged.

If she wants to sleep with both... get her own place, Don't mooch off this guy (paying by sex is still mooching to me) and run around behind his back.

A responsible adult would tell them both and deal with whatever happens. Deception isn't part of being a responsible adult if doing the right thing is important..

Additionally, if she manages to get knocked up by Man #2... she tells Man #1 its his and in a paternity case they might very well assume its Man #1's kid, He might believe it is as well and not insist on a DNA test. Thus Man #1 gets shafted raising another mans child or paying child support.

It's a definite possibility. And I have known men in exactly that situation... who are being forced by the State of Virginia to pay child support for a kid that DNA tests prove is not theirs... and that they have not adopted. One is Sitting in jail rather than pay for a kid that's clearly not his, DNA has proven its positively NOT his. And yes this is in the State of Virginia, and is happening right now..

OK... so if I moved out and got my own place, I would still see both of them and not let the other know... so what good would that do?
Guys are more emotional than girls I think and get hurt more easily sometimes... seen too much of that before. They all try to be tough and maucho but have big hearts just like girls and can get hurt too that is why I have been quiet about it.
P.S. I just went to the doctor and have no diseases and do use protection every time.

There are a lot of fierce answers above and mine is more simple. Move out. I don't think it's a good idea in the slightest honostly. If you've moved in with the guy and already, you're CHEATING (that's what it is) you obviously aren't ready. I don't want to be offensive but really, be realistic. What if that guy you LIVE with finds out. What then? Opologise and say you'll be a good girl? In the long run, who are you going to be with more? Maybe not MARRIED but what do you plan on doing? I mean, 23 years of marriage? That's a lot. Maybe you should lay low for a while. Chill out. Have those flings that you really want to have. When you get it off your chest. Move back in with the uy who MEANS something to you. Instead of being with and maybe even hurt him. It's not all you yeah know. It's other peoples feelings your dealing with. The world is NOT your playground. It belongs to other people too. Respect that. Respect that the man you live with is a person not livestock to your picking.

You are playing a game. Fun I know, for now. If you tell yourself the truth, love both men as the falliable and emotional creatures that they are, hurting them, even in theory (if they never find out) is not love. It follows then, that you do not love yourself.

You are using them. If that is who you want to be, you are also using yourself. Guess what, it's legal.

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Originally Posted by Annabelle789123

ok....so if i moved out and got my own place, I would still see both of them and not let the other know....so what good would that do?
Guys are more emotional than girls I think and get hurt more easily sometimes...seen too much of that before. They all try to be tough and maucho but have big hearts just like girls and can get hurt too that is why i have been quiet about it.
P.S. I just went to the doctor and have no diseases and do use protection every time.

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If you moved out and dated both unless you implied a monogamous relationship with either man then as an adult its fair game. Its just dating...

I don't think guys on average get hurt any easier than the average woman... but once you live together then that's taking the relationship to the next level. And both men and women will expect a bit more. No its not engaged... but its as close as you will get. In some states 5-7 years of living together gets you a common law marriage. Even if you don't want it.


And yeah... the topic hits me pretty close to home for several reasons, I've been there and have good friends that have as well.

Like I said, I think you're more than allowed to sleep with however many people you want. That's not the question. The question is whether it's okay to be in a relationship with someone and sleep with other people at the same time. The answer is that, unless you have a mutual understanding, at least with the person you're living with, then no, it isn't okay.

If you were to tell the man you're living with that you're sleeping with someone else on the side, would he be fine with that? If not, and if he doesn't have the information he should have in making his own decisions about his life and relationships, then no, it isn't okay. If you want to have an open relationship, and if he's okay with that, well, it's a completely different story. But as things appear, at least to me, your relationship has been based on the idea of monogamy. Did you consider the fact that he might want to be sleeping with other women too? Just because you don't think he's the best lover in the world doesn't mean other women wouldn't enjoy his company in their beds.

I don't know who told you that it's okay for men to sleep with more than one person if they're in a normal relationship, but that person was apparently misinformed. On the other hand, both men and women are allowed to sleep with as many people as they want if they're honest about their actions. You can still be discreet. And frankly, sometimes these things are simply unspoken and understood.

Also, I don't know who said that you have to be engaged or married to have a monogamous relationship. In fact, I would think that the majority of people in relationships in general would have a very big problem with their significant other if they had a f-buddy at lunchtime. I think that living with someone, unless other rules are clear, is certainly enough to at least imply monogamy.

To totally honest, part of me is wondering if this post is even real or not. I mean, who doesn't know that this kind of behavior is wrong? If you don't think there's anything wrong with what you're doing, then why are you asking about it?

Then again, I don't know who said that cheating and sophistication go hand in hand. Well, that is, unless you are applying the word in its use as "impairment or debasement, as of purity or genuineness" or "the use of sophistry; a sophism, quibble, or fallacious argument." that was entirely sophomoric of me, but I can't help myself. If I want it, I can just do it, right? The inability to practice self-control (I. e. as far as this conversation goes, saying one thing and doing another just because it feels good) is much more emotional than saying that cheating is wrong.

No one is wondering if you're happy with both men. Obviously you are, because you keep going back to them. But I wonder how happy they would be with you if they found out that you weren't being honest about your affairs. So, again, if you have a formal understanding with the person you're living with, it's one thing. But if you don't, it is entirely different, no matter how you want to dress it up. You know that quote about putting lipstick on a pig? An affair is still an affair.

I understand that after all those years as a married and faithful woman, you want to play the field. Go for it! But I do think you that you still have to be respectful of others while doing it.

I think it is simple. Each person deserves to know if you are seeing/sleeping with other people. I think it is selfish and deceitful.

What's the harm in saying you are seeing other people? It's the harm that is done when they find out later from someone else.

I am sterilized so I cannot get pregnant. That is something I did immediately after my divorce last year.
The guy that I live with would be hurt and would throw me out if he found out. He has been a very loving, giving person to me. And no, I do not "mooch" off him.
I cook, clean, do laundry, buy groceries, plan and have parties for his family and friends and 2 kids (they live with mom).

I don't want people to think I just sleep around and mooch. I work very hard at a full-time job and see/sleep with only ONE other person. The "other" guy is only wanting a piece of tail and so am I. And yes-this is a true story and real life situation.

I mean this in the best way, but if you're so sure about your actions, why are you asking the question?

This is the most interesting question and discussion we have had in a long time.

Let me say that a woman is ALWAYS in a different position than a man is... so unless a man is ready to make a **serious COMMITTMENT**, then he deserves nothing except a woman's love and caring, but no promises of monogamy unless commitment. A woman ALWAYS has to look out for herself, her best interests, always.

They are roommates with priviliges... the man just doesn't know it. He should because he hasn't offered a commitment to his women so he is a user.

He was with the same woman for over 20 years (married to her only 9) and she hurt him real bad. He basically told me he will never remarry again. But, he does believe in being committed to another and so DID I at one time. That just made me jealous, irritable, un-trusting and worse... vulnerable.. No... I am not retaliating against men and trying to hurt them. It just so happens that when a good friend introduced me to the one I live with, I had just also met this other guy as well.

The reason why I posted this question is because I KNOW I am not the only woman in this situation and to see how other people felt about it and get other opinions about this subject.

It is hard to make it on your own in this economy and if my boyfriend is willing to let me live with him and help him out around the house and also give him a little then I am more than willing to do it. I would rather do this than live in a cardboard box on the side of the road. Call it what you may...

I'm talking about the guy you are living with. :) Strictly speaking he is using you.

I only believe in devotion in marriage. Marriage is the only thing that really protects women from a host of bad outcomes.

By the way, I don't think you are ready to get married again yet.

Choux
I apologize for making it sound like "you" were doing that, I meant everyone in general... thanks!

I get where you are at.

This is a time for you to live fully. :)

Take care, love you :)

Yes, marriage is the furthest thing from my mind. I got married way too young and didn't enjoy the freedom of life yet and am enjoying it now...

Well I must say you are an adult and is capable of making your own decisions but how much longer are you going keep this up?

You and this guy, that you sleep with on the side, already have an arrangement that your both agreed too and that is to be sex buddies. When this arrangemnt is made neither party can't be mad if the other person is dating someone else.

But the guy your living with have no acknowledgement of the arrangement with the other guy. At first I thought your two was just roomates with benefits but then you stated he was your boyfriend so that means your cheating on him. Don't you think that is wrong? But I gues not since you was faithful to you to your husband and nobody else deserve that treatment. If you don't want a relationship and want to be free, than do so by making an arrangement with him. You stated he was cheated on by his wife and now he have to go through that again. What a shame! Must he pay for you wanted to be free and for your faithfulness to your husband?

You stated living with him is better than living in a cardboard on the street and if he was to find out what your doing he would kick you out. I hope he does find out. I think it's time to get your own place and be free to do what you want.

I know someone that is doing exactly what your doing but the difference between her and you is that she is upfront about it. The guy she is currently dating is aware that she sees other guys because he agreed to be in an open relationship with her. She goes out with other guys but her rule is to never lead a guy on and anyone she meet even accept her arrangement or not. Even though I don't agree with some of the things she does I must give her credit for being honest.

That is exactly why you inform the person: Because it is not a commitment.

I just want to preface what I'm about to say by telling you that I decided to dedicate my time and energy to answering this question because I thought I could help you someway. It came from the inside of my heart. But I'm rather confused by some things you've said.

It sounds like you wanted to hear what other people might think about your situation, or perhaps meet up with some other manipulators who feel great about what they're doing. Well, now you've heard it. You have a hillside full of people saying that what you're doing, or at least the way you're doing it, is wrong. Somehow you also found someone who thinks it sounds like a great little scheme you've got going on. I wonder who you're going to listen to...

What a tub of baloney this is. He's using you because he invited you into his life, dedicated himself as your monogamous boyfriend, invited you into his house to live, is, as you yourself said, good to you, for whatever reason has decided to trust you even though he's had his heart permanently crushed by a cheating ex-wife... and because you're sleeping together he's using you? My lord, it seems like someone might have messed with the wires in your brain while you were sleeping because that makes no sense at all.

Okay, I've said all I'm going to say, and I'm done. Just one last thought... one day these things are going to come back to bite you in the butt. Hard. Some of us call it Karma.

I wish you luck. I wish even more to your boyfriend.

My last thought: the mature thing is to be honest. The immature thing is lying. Think about it, when you are a kid you hide things from your parents because you don't want to get into trouble. You are getting what you want with one man and whatever you don't have in that one in the other. You are getting what you want and the one of them is getting what he wants: SEX. Wouldn't it be fair that the other one have a chance to know that what he is getting (something that he is not aware of) may not be what he wants: DISHONESTY?

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Originally Posted by Choux

I'm talking about the guy you are living with. :) Strictly speaking he is using you.

I only believe in devotion in marriage. Marriage is the only thing that really protects women from a host of bad outcomes.

By the way, I don't think you are ready to get married again yet.

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Strictly speaking, the OP is using him.

SHE hasn't proposed marriage either.

And she lies to him on a constant basis.

I hope someone tells him that she's "cheating" on him.

Again--I agree with others here. If you want to have sex with more than one person in the same time, then you need to be honest with them. Maybe YOU got tested and are clean---but your buddy may be seeing ANOTHER piece of tail on the side (or multiple pieces of tail) who Isn't clean.

Good luck with that when (not if) it happens.

My personal bottom line is that you are a selfish, manipulative liar.

Love has no age and boundaries.
It is the strongest relationship but all on the base of a weak thread known as "Trust".
As I say - "No Trust No Relationship."

If you and the guy you are living with love each other there must be enough trust to handle this situation.

Basically
If you trust him you should not hide anything.
And if he trusts you he will understand

After listening to everyone I have decided to end the "other" on the side relationship-it is wrong and lying is wrong too. No, I am not married/engaged, but my boyfriend is in a relationship and I need to be there as well.

Thanks for all the info and comments-I really appreciate it. The one I am living with is really a great guy and I would hate to lose him over being selfish and hurtful. With all the comments, you have given me a lot to think about-things I didn't even imagine.

Sometimes, we all need input from other people to "see" what is really happening! Thanks!

If you wish to date more than one person, that's certainly your prerogative.

The problem I have with some of the advice given is you cannot be "honest" with "no game playing" and not play "head games" while you are lying to them.

I might feel different if you were living on your own.

Though most people tend to feel more comfortable with monogamous dating, there's nothing wrong with a woman, or man, dating more than one person... but I believe the other partners deserve to know where you stand, especially if sexually active and in a long term relationship.

You live with a man and have an extended relationship with him. If your actions on the side are actions that would hurt him, then you are choosing your own needs over the relationship. I think its OK to choose your needs first... after all, the best relationships are where your needs and the needs of the relationship have great overlap...

BUT, I believe, if you choose yourself first (other relationship), and you continue to run around behind your live ins back, you are then just using the long term mate as security, your fall back... and if you care at all about him, you should give him more... which means reality. He deserves to know where you stand in this relationship with him. You can choose yourself first, but that means your live in relationship is just a sham unless you are more open about the state of that relationship.

So... I'm not going to bash you for being attracted to another person, not going to say you shouldn't date more than one person... but I will say any dishonestly within a reasonably long term relationship speaks volumes about the state of the relationship, your morals, or both.

Should your live in be portrayed as a complete victim here? Not completely... as stated, without a serious commitment from each of you, to the other, you are, in fact, not committed. But I do think we assume, perhaps naively, that the person you are with is acting in good faith, and when there are conflicts of self interest versus the relationship, that sooner or later something has to give.

Should he assume because you live under his roof that you are going to be monogamous? "free rent" for monogamy? Both sides are trying to play for their best interests... at some point, and perhaps that point is now, there's going to need to be progress forward or backward, or a better communication between you about what each desires.

If you cannot be on the up and up with your live in, you ARE playing head games, manipulating, and dishonest. As long you are OK with that, then you don't have a problem.

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Originally Posted by Annabelle789123

After listening to everyone I have decided to end the "other" on the side relationship-it is wrong and lying is wrong too. No, I am not married/engaged, but my boyfriend is in a relationship and I need to be there as well.

Thanks for all the info and comments-I really appreciate it. The one I am living with is really a great guy and I would hate to lose him over being selfish and hurtful. With all the comments, you have given me alot to think about-things I didnt even imagine.

Sometimes, we all need input from other people to "see" what is really happening! Thanks!

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Very big of you. Wish nothing but the best!

Well, my last post fell after your latest development...

Your decision is yours... you get to own it. The only thing I say is think about the relationship you are in, where it is, what's lacking, what is right, etc... don't be afraid to evaluate it, talk about it, take action.

Its possible to be with the wrong "great guy"... its possible to change your mind, and decide maybe there's more there than you thought.

My line in the sand doesn't have to be yours... but when I saw a relationship not progressing forward, when it looked like itd run its course and/or was lacking in some things I needed, it was time to confront that. Two times that meant I had to walk away from women I really loved...

Just make sure if you stay its not just because he's a good guy and its comfortable. We see more than a few threads here with women, many years into a relationship with a good guy and a good life, usually married, who feel trapped and lonely.

Most relationships require some compromise, and the more you face your needs and wants, and evaluate your relationship, the better chance your choices will be based on your happiness, whatever the results.

Kp, I have to spread some more reputation around before giving the credit that this last post deserves. I think it is right on, and there's a whole lot of very good, very wise advice to it.

Annabelle, I am surprised that you have decided to reconsider. Personally, I think you're doing the right thing, at least in taking another look at your choices. From piecing together your story, I can only imagine how hard things may seem. It sounds like you came out of your divorce very recently, and I know how easy it can be to feel flooded with both the joys and the fears that come with that level of independence and freedom.

One part of that can be the high you get when you realize how attractive you might be to other people. There are a lot of things that can rust out or disappear when you're in a long term relationship... especially if it's a bad one. In my own life, I have seen a number of people take all kinds of different roads after their long term marriages ended. I think the best thing you can do is to be conscious of the choices you make, and realize that they might be influenced by your new position in the world.

Regarding my other posts, including the points which I still stand behind, I think my biggest reservations came from the giddy feeling I felt I was getting from your posts. It's never a good thing to consciously risk someone else's heart just so you can have more fun, especially when they're so good to you.

In any case, I hope you get things straightened out. You have a lot of options available to you! I wish you lots of luck in putting your new life together.

Annabelle, Best wishes to you going forward in life. :)

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Originally Posted by Annabelle789123

I am sterilized so I cannot get pregnant. That is something I did immediately after my divorce last year.
The guy that I live with would be hurt and would throw me out if he found out. He has been a very loving, giving person to me. And no, I do not "mooch" off him.
I cook, clean, do laundry, buy groceries, plan and have parties for his family and friends and 2 kids (they live with mom).

I don't want people to think I just sleep around and mooch. I work very hard at a full-time job and see/sleep with only ONE other person. The "other" guy is only wanting a piece of tail and so am I. And yes-this is a true story and real life situation.

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I think you have your answer... because he would most definitely see it as mooching... unless you also pay half the rent and utilities... and even then maybe because if he is hurt its because he at least believes there is the expectation of monogamy. Let me tell you as a man speaking, It would be nearly impossible for me to accept a woman coming home and getting into my bed when she was just out banging another man... even if we weren't engaged. Dating a woman who is really is not the same as living with one that is.

No you may not now get pregnant, but there is always the ever present STD several of which can't be cured. And a multitude that can be. And they are not that uncommon at all. Something extremely important to not forget these days.