I walked in on my husband masturbating the other night. I was so pissed I mean I totally understand that most people masturbate but here's the thing my kids were asleep and I was there downstairs. I could've easily had sex with him instead of him taking that route. So then I'm left feeling like crap like what's wrong with me? He says I blew way out of proportion but he didn't reassure me that there's nothing wrong with me. He did'nt say that he was attracted to me or anything along those lines any suggestions?

I think your over reacting. Everyone masturbates.

I just said I understand that everyone does it! Does this mean that he's not into our marriage?

Yup, you are overreacting. Everyone masturbates, and if they don't they should. ;)

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Originally Posted by jjlash

Does this mean that he's not into our marriage?

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Not at all. Sometimes men need to release some stress, this is the easy way to do it. Has nothing to do with you.

I think your point is why not just ask you instead of doing it by himself.

Im not a man but I think that moment, he may just want to realease and doesn't necessarily want to go through that kissing and foreplays before the bomb.

Yes thank you that was what I was trying to get across we don't always go through all the foreplay because we have two small children and sometimes we just want to get off real fast before one of them wakes up

Girl, if you knew how long it's been since I had sex, you would have a heart attack, and it's not cause I have small children (only one little one and a teen left at home), but because I work 7pm - 7am and my husband works almost the exact opposite.

Sure, I've caught him masturbating, I just close the door and walk out. It's his time. He's caught me too. And we have a VERY healthy marriage. Marriage isn't all about sex, it's about partnership, friendship, love, compassion and understanding. Sex plays a small part.

Guess what, most of us do it-and often! With a response you gave to him, I am not surprised he wanted some time for HIMSELF. Lighten up, perhaps if you do so-he would want to be with you a bit more often.

Perhaps you could have offered to do it for him, join in or just let him be. I don't know, just back off with the "disgust and shock" so much.

Just ask him then and believe whatever he says. Say like " Why don't you just call me so we both can have fun?" then wink.

Whatever you hear, do not bring it up again.

All it means is you were down stairs and he was up stairs,
I guess instead of getting mad why you did not just join him at the time. You are making way too much out of this,

I hear you saying that this incident caused you to wonder about your desirability. That makes sense. He didn't give much feedback. But then, he may have felt not only surprised but attacked while plenty of blood was in the little head, not in the thinking part.

People are sexual. When my husband masturbates I often feel left out. Sometimes I help him, or join him. Usually I just smile and back away, find something else to do. Men need space in a different way than women do, in general.

It's better for me to ask later if he still finds me desirable. Of course he does! Suggest mutual masturbation sometime, and see what he says. Accept that he is a sexual person, separate from you. The fact that you two get together frequently, with mutual satisfaction is awesome!

It is very normal to maturbated yourself... sometimes men need a little alone time...

Personally I've not done so unless my wife was out of town visiting family in 14 years. I preffer her to Rosey Palmer and her sisters. But that's just me.

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Originally Posted by jjlash

Does this mean that he's not into our marriage?

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Take this with the utmost respect and concern...

Why would you if you love your husband and he loves you think that something like masturbation is some sign he isn't into your marriage? In my opinion this type of insecurity is more dangerous to a relationship then a lot of other things.. including the topic.

Do I get a little irritated when I know my lover has used her cute pink vibe to pleasure herself and not me? Sure. A little.

But honestly... sometimes being a "problem solver" has nothing to do with neglect.

That my lover gets herself off without me isn't the end of the world. That I get there without her isn't as well. His body is his... if he had a moment of indulgence so be it... it happens.

Cut the guy some slack.

If life in the bedroom is less than you wish, first, welcome to reality... its common to be less than perfectly satiated. But if he's bordering or has crossed the "neglectful" line, feel free to plant a boot up his arse.

It is absolutely normal for an adult to self stim, even when a willing partner is in the next room.

But long term neglect is another thing...

So... are there issues in the bedroom?

Jj,

Every person needs and wants 'private space' of their own. Sometimes masturbation just fits a person's mood and desire for a simple uncomplicated release.

This has nothing to do with you or your attractiveness. There is no reason to feel less of a woman or slighted. You don't need to compete with his hand.

If you need to reinforce your confidence as a woman, expand your sexual consciousness by reading a good book about female sexuality and practice having orgasms and fantasies.

Very best wishes,

Clearly we do not view his actions on this forum as a problem....

So, some questions just to be clear:

1. do you trust him?
2. does he like porn and you do not?
3. has he ever cheated? Flirted too much?
4. did your relationship start in a normal fashion (no one married)?
5. Is he distant?

Let's take a look at this and then see what you have... may be systemic of your relationship or it may be nothing..

It's a normal thing to do,
I can see why your upset abut the 'children could have walked in' part, but in all honesty, it's not the end of the world, the amount of times I've walked in on my mother with her boyfriend...

But yeah, don't bring it up again

Instead why don't you let him catch you?
Spice things up abit ;)

As posted, every man mostly mastuburate even after his intercourse...

It may be a phychological satisfaction to them...

So.. nothing wrong on it that your hubby do so?

No need to worry on that..

Wishes to you

Masturbation is the one time where you don't have to worry about performance. If he went to you for sex he'd have to worry about whether your in the mood or not. And if you are, he'd have to worry about your pleasure and your needs. And sometimes people aren't in the mood for that. He's got to worry about foreplay. He's got to worry about whether you are turned on and, if you're not, he has to worry about getting you turned on. He has to tweak all of your spots and he has to (or wants to) make sure you have an orgasm so that he knows that he did a good job. Your husband realizes you are no sperm dumpster. He can't just stick it in and get what he wants. When he has sex with you, he probably wants you to feel just as good as he does. So take it as a compliment. He cares about you so much to the point where he'll only have sex with you when he's willing to put in the time to please his sweet, lovely wife. If he's going to have sex with you, he's going to do it right.

And, no offense, but he knows all his best spots better than you. He knows what speed is best. How tight to grip it and where to rub and what to play with. When you just want an orgasm, it's best to go it alone anyway.

The problem lies in you taking things so personally. I also think your way out of bounds, but do understand you were caught off guard.

Next time ask him if he needs your help, before you runaway hurt, and distressed.

Or learn to knock first, or cough, or something, before you bust in. This ain't a big deal.

You should never make him feel guilty or disgusted by masturbating, it is a normal god given enjoyment whether self given or done as a couple enjoying together. NO ONE unless they are doing something sexually illegal should be made to feel ashamed. He wasn't with another women you should be thankful. You could have turned it into something very fulfilling for both of you, rather than making him feel guilty and dirty. If your not masturbating on your own, you need to start... and if you are, what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

I too recently walked in on my husband. It hurt but I told him I found the act natural. Why did it hurt? B/c in 32 yrs of marriage my husband has thought that sex is for the man. He will deny this but to explain to him my needs is a sign of his inadequacy. He calls me names like whore and slut for wearing a nighty. I finally gave up and moved to the couch 4 yrs ago. He started suffering ed 15 yrs ago and the doc suggested self stim as a tool. He rejected on moral issues. Now its my fault he is doing this. Even after reassuring him that it is OK, he sneaks it. I feel cheated on. To ask anything about his day is prying let alone getting details. He never talks about us but tells about conversations with coworkers in vivid detail yet can't remember most things I tell him. He has no pride in our home and doesn't talk with our grown children or his family. He is successful at his workplace and is the go to man both professionally and personally with his coworkers. He spends many hrs with this and is successful with his hobby. I am proud of him for his accomplishments, I wonder why it doesn't resonate at home. Also, I have to stay in the same room with him and watch TV and not interrupt with talking. I have tried to go out with friends as a group but it always leads to problems because I can't control everyone's behavior around me and I shouldn't put myself into situations where "things" can happen.
I have told him to leave and that I am done but he hasn't left. It's my home. I know, masturbation is the least of my worries here, but it's an example of where this "natural" action isn't so healthy, so before we make conclusions for others maybe we should ask for some more info. In a healthy relationship partners should know that they are partaking, not necessarily when but that it is happening, otherwise, to be honest, there is some deception going on and I'll bet it's not the only thing happening.

Justme4me, your husband is sick, functionally sick, and in denial, that's why he hides his real behavior from others. We both know he needs help, but wont get it.

That doesn't mean you can't be healthy and happy, so think of what you want, and how to get it. Put your own needs first, for a change.

Talaniman- could you please expand on my husband being functionally sick?
I feel I need more information to help me in the direction I want to go. If I know more about what I am dealing with clinically I can make better decisions for the best possible outcome.

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Originally Posted by justme4me

Why did it hurt? B/c in 32 yrs of marriage my husband has thought that sex is for the man. He will deny this but to explain to him my needs is a sign of his inadequacy. He calls me names like whore and slut for wearing a nighty. I finally gave up and moved to the couch 4 yrs ago.

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Hello just:

I'm not tal, but I can tell you that your husbands behavior is BIZARRE. It ISN'T normal. It's actually WAYYYY out of whack. I'm not going to give it any psychological or medical terms because I'm not a professional.

After 32 years, I'm sure you have this figured out for yourself. Relax, you're fine. It's HIM that's screwed up... I don't know why or how, but HE needs some professional help.

However, that might make you feel good in the short term, but now you have to DO something about it. In my view, I think you should move from the couch to a new apartment with a stopover at the divorce lawyers office.

excon

Justme4me, I would be glad to elaborate if you post your own question, as this is the thread of jjlash.

I love sex w/ my significant other. But some times you're just looking for quick strees relief w/out the big production i.e. foreplay and all that. Give the guy a break. And remember... Sometimes no one can do it like you do it yourself.

I caught my husband masturbating, we were in the bedroom, I was asleep and caught him on the side of the bed - going to town. He felt embarrassed about being caught, I just told him next time he should use the bathroom. We both talk about masturbating, we have a good marriage, sex is great, we just need a little "me" time sometimes. I don't think anything is wrong with it, as long as everything else is good in your relationship.

Everyone masterbates, even my husband.. Maybe it wasn't worth it to him to walk all the way downstairs and possibly be rejected when he could get his rocks off solo... Easier and qiucker.. Don't be so dramatic.. Attempt to seduce him sometime this week and see if he's into it.. I bet he will be.. Don't stress! Its all good :)

Do you know how many couples wait for sex to just happen and it never does? Don't be angry when you are horny and wait for sex to happen, if you want sex then you make the moves.

Get a clue? Did you ever consider if you turn on your husband anymore. People who SPANK THE MONKEY ARE ENJOYING THEIR FANTASY'S... Next time you catch your husband enjoying himself, I suggest you put something sexy and provocative on. Be aggressive and go enjoy yourselves together...

Are things always the same way... as in boring vanilla sex. If you can say yes to this try to spice things up. Maybe he wanted a quicky and didn't want to deal with any drama? Maybe he needed to get a thought out of his head... and that was the easy way.

Try not to make too much of this unless it becomes a regular thing and you end up deprived in that department.

Here is another thought. Do you ever initiate things or do you usually wait for him to do it?

The masturbation wasn't about you or about not wanting to be with you. Most men do it and a lot more often then you care to know. My husband usually has the decency to do it in the shower. But I know he does it, if it happens again finish the job I am sure he would enjoy that much more and so would you.

I have to agree with most of the posts.
I think you are way over reacting

That sucks... I hate when that happens.

Theirs always tomorrow right? Or now ?

Were you wanting to be with him and he wasn't there or was is not knowing you wanted him?

Maybe he was getting off so he could last longer later? Yes,no?

Go give your man a hug and a kiss,



Men really do have feelings too... my thoughts on it... http://www.renderosity.com/mod/galle...age_id=1648874

I think your reaction was understandable given you're a woman, but men are so much more matter of fact - they don't start thinking about your feelings and all that over something that they do all the time. He wasn't doing this instead of being with you, he was just doing this because, well, because men do this.

I'd just tell him because you'd not seen him do it before, and because it felt like he would rather be alone than with you, it hurt your feelings in a really sudden and unexpected way and that you're sorry for acting like you did. Then ask if you can have a do-over, including you, to get back on track.