My boyfriend and I have been together since April 2008. We tried having sex together for our first time in the beginning of August. Neither of us were virgins, but it had been a long time since either of us had sex. He came within 10 seconds the first time we tried. After that we tried 3 or 4 more times and every time he came within 5 minutes. We tried again about a week later but this time he couldn't stay hard. He said it was because he thinks he can't satisfy me and it makes him go soft. We fought for a long time about this because I didn't really understand it. He never has trouble getting hard, it's just staying hard during sex. I was wondering if this is something all guys experience? I've never experienced this problem in the past.

It's all mental.

How old are you?

It is mental but it can change - takes some work, lots of time and patience usually - from both partners. A mature relationship can get through something like this. If he's feeling pressured or that he isn't performing up to your standards going soft isn't unusual at all.

There's a few problems here... and its not all that uncommon.

First, what feels best to him isn't what you need. A man often just needs the "in/out" thrusting sensations to get off. A woman often needs clitoral stim to get off. The two aren't necessarily connected, as the placement of the clitoris is away from the action.

So... what to do?

Well... he needs to focus on you and hold back mentally.

If I didn't give a damn about my partner I could hit orgasm fast and furious. When he first inserts the sensations are most intense. Its easy to hit orgasm quickly when you are just inside a woman and you are focused on yourself.

So... he needs to do a few things. He needs to restrain himself and train to hold back. Its not that hard to do, but he needs to do it.

Also, we need to understand if you've had an orgasm. Self stimulated? With another? Can you get off at all? It really does help to know, even though its personal.

Also, what does foreplay mean in your relationship? Do you have any real privacy? Can you mentally lose yourself in the moment?

I get that he is getting "his" fast... so that might skew the answers. We really need to understand can you reach orgasm and how?

I'm 19 and he is also 19. We talked about it tonight and he told me that he feels pressured because when he cums fast I always look disappointed, so now he feels like he can't satisfy me.

When we try to have sex there's always one of two problems. He either cums too fast or can't stay hard. We tried again tonight, and again he came within 5 minutes. He says he tries to hold it in but he can't because it feels too good, and that he needs time getting used to the feeling. I'm trying my best to be patient with him.

To kp2171, before my boyfriend and I had sex, he would do things to pleasure me. We spent 4 months doing things only to benefit me, such as fingering and oral sex. He's very capable of making me orgasm by doing these things. The times we have attempted to have sex we did a lot of foreplay. We spend about 30 minutes on foreplay. When we start having sex it feels amazing and both of us are really into it, and then it's over so fast because he either cums too fast or he can't stay hard.

I really wouldn't worry about it. Enjoy and explore and it'll get better. At 19 a lot of guys are built to "turn and fire"-its basic biology to keep the species alive (hint:hope you are on birth control) just get as close as you can to climaxing without intercourse-fingers, massage, oral and let him enter later when you are about there. If u cannot finish with him try to finish after him or show him what he has to do to get you there. Have fun. Be safe. And as I said, its mental-so he's not going to perform if you are not having fun and being into each other. Good luck. And good luck in school and career too. Sex is really nice when there the future looks nice too.

One other strategy: just go for it... let him finish as usual. And then ask him to go again in 15-20 minutes...
Again, its biology. He will need a bit more to get started (good for you) and even more on the next until he's had many hours to fully recharge. As long as you are enthusiastic he oughta be able to go but will often not be as "fast"...

I wouldn't suggest getting upset. I would definitely take it as a compliment. From what it seems like he is so sexually attracted to you that he orgasms too fast. Tell him to think of something else to keep his mind off it and see if that works. It seems like him not being able to hold an erection is the result of him constantly being too quick. Listen to him when he tells you that he fears that you may be disappointed. He is telling the truth. Sometimes for men it really is a performance and if they feel that they can not perform properly they can get discouraged.

Good luck

Sexual *intercourse* is a joint endeavor the purpose of which is mutual pleasure. :)

Each person has to bring a minimum of skills to the pleasure party in order for it to be enjoyable. Your boyfriend is not enjoying sex with you.

There is no reason why a man should have to provide stroking in the vagina for more than 3-5 minutes without ejaculating. More is being unreasonable and a potential pleasure kill for him.

A woman has to be prepared to orgasm relatively soon when the man inserts his penis!

Take care of getting very hot through foreplay so that stroking is pure pleasure and orgasm is going to happen soon. :):):)

If you have a problem with orgasm-ing when with a partner, then, you have to examine what is going on in your head about pleasure...


Good Luck going forward, :)

This is something you two can work on - I see no reason why it has to permanently stay 3-5 minutes long. I'm sorry, but occasionally sure - you may even find you prefer that now and then, however, not all of the time. As I stated earlier, you can both work on this. You need to try some methods such as slowing down - or maybe he needs to pull out and just kiss on you for awhile, and then reenter. There are even books on this at a good bookstore. Age does have something to do with it - but you two together, IN TIME, can make your sexual experiences last longer. He has to be willing to try too though, and you have to be willing to not let him see you are frustrated - be loving and caring, it's a very embarrassing thing to a man if they aren't performing to your standards sort a speak.

Thanks to everyone for replying, I was pretty worried about this. We tried again last night and again he lost his erection after like 5 minutes. It's frustrating but it helps that I understand it more now. I tried saying things to make him feel better so maybe he wouldn't doubt himself, but it didn't seem to work. I guess we'll keep trying for now.

You didn't say whether you're on birth control. If you are and not using condoms, that can hasten his orgasm. The reason men hate condoms is because it just doesn't feel as great. Ask him to try a condom or if he is already, have him try double condoms to reduce the sensitivity. There are also products that he can apply to help desensitize until he learns to hold out longer.

Yes I'm on birth control, and we don't use condoms when we have sex. I'll suggest using a condom to help him last longer. To be honest though, all this is kind of turning me off from even wanting to have sex with him anymore. I still love him but now when I think of sex I just think of how dissappointing it's going to be. I feel bad saying that but it's the truth:(.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Bonita--

Yes I'm on birth control, and we don't use condoms when we have sex. I'll suggest using a condom to help him last longer. To be honest though, all this is kind of turning me off from even wanting to have sex with him anymore. I still love him but now when I think of sex I just think of how dissappointing it's going to be. I feel bad saying that but it's the truth:(.

---

If you love him then you can make it through this. You most certainly have to be willing to put in time and effort.

I'll agree... he needs to learn some self control tips like dividing his thoughts into you and some totally unrelated topic... if he can divert his focus less on what he's feeling and doing right then with you he can prolong his lasting power a very long time. It will take time to master but between that and pacing himself he could go as long as 4 hours. Mind you that's NOT going at it like a jackhammer. But slow steady and sensuous.

It can be done because I taught myself this trick 30 years ago.

Well we tried again last night and he was done in less than 5 minutes. We keep trying every night but maybe he needs more time. I'm trying my best to be patient with him. Thanks to everyone for the advice.

Did you try what I said? Plus #3?

1. try again shortly after the 1st time

2. find ways to nearly climax without intercourse -

3. wear a rubber

Ps - if he's going for five solid minutes it's not a ton of time, but many women can climax if turned on and mentally into the moment...

After he's finished, if he gets hard again he can't keep it. I tried doing things to keep it back up but it didn't work. One time he fingered me to the point where I was ready to orgasm, and when we had sex he couldn't last long enough to bring the orgasm, so after I was upset because I never finished. Since then we haven't tried that again. We haven't tried using a condom yet but we will and hopefully it helps.

A last suggestion... in addition to the condom to reduce sensitivity, you take to top position so you can drive where you feel pressure. Hold of on any other stimulation other than his feeling being inside you. If you sense he is losing the strength of his erection you might need to use peripheral sensations. Bite at his ear or neck, grab his wrists and push them into the bed, or reach behind and graze his "guys" with your fingers. Stimulation there with fingers can be incredibly intense, so save it for when he is losing his erection. The problem with this plan is it makes you think too much, keeps you from completely releasing and fully experiencing the sensations.

Honest truth... at this point id rather he get you off a few times orally or manually, and then focus on himself, with the intent of his holding back as long as possible. Trying to hold back.

Also, your taking a position that is less stimulating to him, and you self stimulating during intercourse with a wet finger might push you over the top. And if you are sensitive toward ear, neck, or breat stim ask him to hold back until later, and then tell him when you want those sensations.

Short term maybe you can get some "wins" with some work. Long term, the guy is going to need to find some balance.

The way to not ejac fast is to often place a mental barrier... lift yourself out of the moment... but then you need to be able to gradually lift it out of the way so you don't go soft. At this point it seems like he's all or nothing.

Hmm well we can try that next time also. At this point we tried so much and he's just not lasting. He always makes me orgasm in other ways when he can't by having sex, but it just isn't the same. I'll be seeing him in the morning though, so HOPEFULLY some of these suggestions work lol.

Um... was that five minutes going at it like a jack hammer? Or was that a slow and easy 5 minutes. HUGE difference here so its important to know.

It was both, slow then fast. We just tried again and AGAIN he lost his erection in less than 5 minutes. I pretty much give up:( This is too frustrating. We tried so much for him to stay hard and it doesn't work.

OK... that gives us a lot more info to work with. My point being most guys will get off in 5 minutes if they went at it like a jackhammer. But most guys won't if they pace themselves.

Any guy is going to go soft after he gets off. That's normal, how long before getting it up again varies guy to guy.

That's different than not being able to keep it up for 5 minutes before losing it if he Doesn't get off. If that's the case he needs to see a physician. If it's the former he needs to change his focus off you and what's he's feeling to stretch that out to last longer.

Like was mentioned, if he can't do that, and its possible he can't. Try condoms or desensitization crème or spay on his weiner.

Hey! I was wondering if he went at it fast or not as well? If he would pace himself, he could last a lot longer. Maybe if he switched positions every 5 minutes that would help. Or if he got close to getting off, he could hold back and switch positions then. I use to be the same way, but I was lasting 15-20 minutes, and my girlfriend would be dissapointed, so I tried switching it up when I got close. Do you two try a lot of different positions or are you to limited on time? I also tried thinking about baseball or something to not focus on getting off so much. It kind of made me last longer. Now, when I have sex and I'm in no hurry, I can last anywhere from 2-4 hours. I'm only 19, so it shouldn't take him to longer. If none of that works, then maybe he should see a physician. I also have had the problem of staying hard, but it was because I hadn't had sex for so long and I got over-excited. Hope this helps

I could always last longer if I had a few drinks before sex. Seems like that Jack Daniels would just block my sperm duct.

At 19 you got plenty of time to practice, practice, practice. I bet you get it right one of these times.

Headraccoon

He loses his erection before he orgasms. When he did it this morning he said it was because he has a lot on his mind. He's been fighting with his parents a lot recently over money, so I guess that's what's causing it. I feel bad because if that's what it is then it's not his fault but I can't help but be disappointed. We had a huge fight over it this morning and we decided to put off sex for awhile, until things get better for him.

One thing that bothers me a lot about this is that about a month before he and I got together he had sex with another girl. He admitted to me that he used her because he had no one at the time, he says he regrets it but it was still a bad thing to do and it's not like him to do that. He told me that while having sex with her he couldn't orgasm because it didn't feel good to be having sex with her. But it makes me think why can he last longer with a girl he's using and with me he can't last longer than 5 minutes? I know this is a bit off topic but it's really been bothering me.

I'm sorry. That is strange that he would be like that. I just feel really bad for you. I guess you are not reading my posts because you have said nothing back to me, so I guess I will tell you now that I am drunk. Was not when I wrote the other messages. I guess it doesn't matter though since you don't read them. But he doesn't deserve a girl like you. You seem perfect, and he is ruining that. I think he will out grow it though. I mean I am 19 and can last for hours, so I think he should be able to eventually.

Sorry if I offended you by not replying. For your first question he goes slow then fast, but if we switch positions he loses his erection and then it's done he can't get it back. I told him to think about other things but he says that will make him go soft. When he orgasms fast he says that it's because it feels too good having sex with me, but obviously he's going to say that. It's confusing because I have 2 problems here. He either orgasms fast or can't stay hard, each time we try to have sex one of those things happens. As for drinking, knowing him I'm sure that will make him lose his erection even faster. You're right though, eventually he should be able to do it, and if he can't then I'm going to ask him to see a doctor about it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Bonita--

Sorry if I offended you by not replying. For your first question he goes slow then fast, but if we switch positions he loses his erection and then it's done he can't get it back. I told him to think about other things but he says that will make him go soft. When he orgasms fast he says that it's because it feels too good having sex with me, but obviously he's going to say that. It's confusing because I have 2 problems here. He either orgasms fast or can't stay hard, each time we try to have sex one of those things happens. As for drinking, knowing him I'm sure that will make him lose his erection even faster. You're right though, eventually he should be able to do it, and if he can't then I'm going to ask him to see a doctor about it.

---

Alcohol will impair any mans ability to perfom... it will only make them THINK they are doing better.

Here's a question. Did his "problem" start with the fighting with his parents... or does he not know because he wasn't active with anyone before?

Stress can cause all sorts of issues but somehow I'm thinking maybe that's not the root of his problem.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Bonita--

But it makes me think why can he last longer with a girl hes using and with me he can't last longer than 5 minutes? I know this is a bit off topic but it's really been bothering me.

---

Like I said prior, take it as a compliment. He was probably so turned off by the girl that he just couldn't reach that point of orgasm. Think about it, if he reaches it in five minutes then maybe he is so turned on by you that he has to orgasm. He is young and young men tend to ejaculate quickly. I have had this same problem when I was younger, and I thought that I was so hideous and that my boyfriend didn't love me and that he wasn't sexually attracted to me. Then one day we sat down and had a serious conversation about his problem. He explained to me that he got so excited when he was with me. It was not something that was fixed over night. You really do need to give it some time. Stop worrying about it. If he really doesn't want to have sex with you, you will know it. From what it sounds like you do it for him.
Remember sex is more than just the penetration aspect of it. It is about foreplay and intimacy. Penetration is usually the icing on the cake.

Good luck

Well, I'm sorry to point out that you hadn't responded to me, but thank you for finally doing so. I think you have things pretty much worked out now. Don't you? You have the answers you were looking for? I would say send him to a doctor like you are thinking about.

I wouldn't be worried about this at all. As your relationship develops, and as your trust and intimacy develops, so will your sexual experiences. Once he see's that he has nothing to fear from you, it'll make him be able to perform a lot more naturally.

To smoothy, The problem started a month ago when we first tried having sex. He told me back then that he couldn't stay hard because he thought he wasn't doing it good enough for me. I guess that could partly be my fault because when we tried the first 3-4 times and he orgamed fast I got mad at him. I've begged him to be honest with me about what's causing this and he swears he's not lying, I guess in time I'll see if he's lying or not.

To fjsmith81, I try to take it as a compliment but its hard for me to understand. Before my boyfriend I only had sex with my ex and he never had this problem so I was confused why this was happening. I asked a couple of my close guy friends and they also told me that it's a good thing if he orgasms fast because it means he's very attracted to me, so you're right:) I never really thought he wasn't attracted to me because he gets hard from hugging me lol but this did put a few doubts into my head.

To adam_89, yes I have receieved a lot of responses that helped me. I just have to give it time now and see how things go.

To everyone else, thank you for all the advice and suggestions. This is the first time I've had a problem like this and now that I understand it a bit more it's not bothering me so much. I love my boyfriend and I know that we'll be together for a long time, so we have lots of time to work on it:)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Bonita--

My boyfriend and I have been together since April 2008. We tried having sex together for our first time in the beginning of August. Neither of us were virgins, but it had been a long time since either of us had sex. He came within 10 seconds the first time we tried. After that we tried 3 or 4 more times and everytime he came within 5 minutes. We tried again about a week later but this time he couldn't stay hard. He said it was because he thinks he can't satisfy me and it makes him go soft. We fought for a long time about this because I didn't really understand it. He never has trouble getting hard, it's just staying hard during sex. I was wondering if this is something all guys experience? I've never experienced this problem in the past.

---

Tell him to start drinking... Smoke a fat one, whatever.

Not cool man!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jrwild62

Tell him to start drinking....... Smoke a fat one, whatever.

---

Bad.. baaaaaaad advice. That will take it from an erectile malfunction and premature ejaculation to a non-functional willy problem.

Booze and illicit drugs only create more problems... they don't solve any.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by smoothy

Bad..baaaaaaad advice. That will take it from an erectile malfunction and premature ejaculation to a non-functional willy problem.

Booze and illicit drugs only create more problems...they don't solve any.

---

That was being sarcastic, sorry.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jrwild62

That was being sarcastic, sorry.

---

No sweat... its hard to tell sometimes. With different people on a different thread we actually had a heated discussion where some people really did believe those were good things. Glad that's clarified.

As a man of 40, I have been able to go as long as 30+ minutes, and I have been able to do this for years. There must be something physically wrong with him or he may be gay. I am not here to say anything wrong about someone I don't know, I am only speaking from personal experience. But I am guessing about the gay status. I have only been unable to get it up when it is too hot in the room or she wants to do it back to back. He should see a doctor to eliminate the factors.

My previous crack about drinking was sarcasitic,, however, in moderation, it does prolong the experience. This guy needs a starting point. It's all in your head. It WILL improve with age and experience. Actually, the premature thing can be a compliment,, Baby, you turn me on soooo much... But what does that do for the female who lies there panting?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by stayathomedad11

As a man of 40, I have been able to go as long as 30+ minutes, and I have been able to do this for years. There must be something physically wrong with him or he may be gay. I am not here to say anything wrong about someone I don't know, I am only speaking from personal experience. But I am guessing about the gay status. I have only been unable to get it up when it is too hot in the room or she wants to do it back to back. He should see a doctor to eliminate the factors.

---

This is a bit silly.

He's a kid. He's not 40. There is nothing wrong with him - except he's full of raging hormones and also a bit insecure about his performance.