Hello everyone,
I am so totally confused and hope someone can help. I just found out today that my boyfriend has been sleeping with a man behind my back. I grew up in a gay household and usually have great gaydar so I always kind of knew that he had homosexual tendencies. All the signs were there that he was not only gay but was cheating. I confronted him about it several times but he always denied it. He swore up and down that he has never been with a man and has never and would never cheat on me. We have only been dating 5 months but it has been the best relationship I have ever been in. I am totally in love with him and he says he's in love with me and wants to marry me. I was on the computer this morning and his IM popped up. So out of curiousity I started looking through his past conversations and found his conversations with this man. They were very sexual and errotic and RECENT. I called him in and showed him then calmly got my stuff and went home. I feel like I'm going to throw up... my whole body is numb. He followed me and begged to talk and work it out. He says that he has been bisexual his whole life. He says this thing with this guy is purely sexual but it has been going on for 2 years! He says he only sees him once a month, they do their thing, and the guy leaves. He says there is no feelings or attraction other than sexual and that he is going to end it. He keeps apologizing and begging me not to break up with him. I told him that I can't be with someone I can't trust and that maybe he is gay and needs to be honest with himself. I love this man so much... this is tearing me apart. What should I do?

You need to get yourself tested for STDs right away. I'm not just saying that because he is bisexual, casual sex with either sex can be dangerous.

As much as it hurts, you need to get away from him and start over. He has tried to hide an important part of his character from you.

Stick with your initial thoughts... with Aids that's a risk you shouldn't be taking. Get tested as the Gay and drug user community have high incidents of it.
Its going to take some time to get past your feelings you have now. All relationships that end would have them, this just adds a new dimension to the pain.

Let him decide which side of the fence he is on while you move on to a new pasture. Its clear you aren't happy with his behaviour so don't put up with it. Deal with the pain, it will subside... and move on.

Poor Iamsoconfused! I hope you feel better soon. This sounds so painful. But I know that you will start to feel better when you get some distance on it. Do some nice things for yourself, cry, then reach out to some friends as soon as you can. Get your mind off him as much as possible. Start a creative project. Good luck.

Get a grip. You have to break up with him 'yesterday'. Then go to your physician and start getting tested for AIDS-HIV and whatever.

No woman should ever date a guy who also has sex with men.

Love is blind but Ask Me Help Desk aint.

Pack your things. Or his things. And prepare for a very straight forward conversation that makes it clear it is over.

Get a counselor for the next 6 months to help you through this... I am SO sorry. Really.
But you are going to have identity and self-esteem issues that need to be tackled sooner than later so the man you are SUPPOSED to be in love with - can find you in the end!

Then begin to heal over the next year. It's going to be hell. But this is only the first step.

You all can be friends later - years from now... I am sure you have a lot in common and love each other deeply, but this relationship is over. Why?

1. he cheated.
2. he lied
3. he did not protect your relationship
4. he mislead you
5. and oh yeah... he's not heterosexual.


I am sure it is like a knife in the heart. But the bleeding has to stop now. So, don't leave in a cloak of mystery. Tell him EXACTLY why this is over and his responsibility for helping you transition to a new life by giving you space and being responsible in respecting your need to start a new life. And yes, we hope he was using protection in a high risk group...

I Know Your Hurting But You Seriously Need To Get Tested For Any Std's.

Leave and let him find someone else to tangle in his web.

Honey,

I know what you are going through because I've been there. Thank God you didn't marry and have children. I agree with everyone else, get tested for STD's and leave him. No matter what he tells you, he is not going to change. He's gay and there's nothing you can do about it. I personally don't buy the whole "bisexuality" label. Bisexuality just means one foot is out of the closet. When I found out my husband was sleeping with men, my whole world fell apart. I am still suffering the consequences. These closeted gay men have no clue as to the devastation this causes to the innocent woman. A good book that helped me get through the pain is "The Straight-Up Truth About The Down-Low by Joy Marie. This book is about women who've gone through the same situation. God Bless you.

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Originally Posted by MsGeeGee

Honey,

I know what you are going through because I've been there. Thank God you didn't marry and have children. I agree with everyone else, get tested for STD's and leave him. No matter what he tells you, he is not going to change. He's gay and there's nothing you can do about it. I personally don't buy the whole "bisexuality" label. Bisexuality just means one foot is out of the closet. When I found out my husband was sleeping with men, my whole world fell apart. I am still suffering the consequences. These closeted gay men have no clue as to the devastation this causes to the innocent woman. A good book that helped me get through the pain is "The Straight-Up Truth About The Down-Low by Joy Marie. This book is about women who've gone through the same situation. God Bless you.

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Its simple... there IS such a thing as bi. Gay people do not enjoy relations with people of the opposite sex. Bi people enjoy them with both... Hetero people only have an interest in people of the opposite sex. There really is three different prefferences here, not just a choice between two.

It still doesn't excuse his actions at all. He was wrong even if it was another woman because he wasn't being shut out at home.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

Its simple...there IS such a thing as bi. Gay people do not enjoy relations with people of the opposite sex. Bi people enjoy them with both....Hetero people only have an interest in people of the opposite sex. There really is three different prefferences here, not just a choice between two.

It still doesn't excuse his actions at all. He was wrong even if it was another woman because he wasn't being shut out at home.

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I have to disagree about bisexuality. Don't get me wrong, it's okay with me if people think they are bi- whatever- I just don't think it exists in men (women maybe). Almost no one who says he's bi claims equal attraction for both sexes and most say they sway more in one direction than the other. So if a guys says he's bi but prefers sex with men 90% of the time in what meaningful sense is he "bisexual"? It just really doesn't make any sense. Who you have sex with has nothing to do with sexual orientation, arousal is what it's all about. If a guy spends most of his time with other guys sexually and only once and a while has sex with a woman, I'd say he's gay but for some reason does it with women now and again. I went so far as to marry a woman, yet I'm gay, definitely NOT bi. No way.

I'm a formally married gay man and my advice to this woman is be glad you never got married. It's a prescription for disaster with about a 100% chance of failure.

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Originally Posted by cadillac59

I have to disagree about bisexuality. Don't get me wrong, it's okay with me if people think they are bi- whatever- I just don't think it exists in men (women maybe). Almost no one who says he's bi claims equal attraction for both sexes and most say they sway more in one direction than the other. So if a guys says he's bi but prefers sex with men 90% of the time in what meaningful sense is he "bisexual"? It just really doesn't make any sense. Who you have sex with has nothing to do with sexual orientation, arousal is what it's all about. If a guy spends most of his time with other guys sexually and only once and a while has sex with a woman, I'd say he's gay but for some reason does it with women now and again. I went so far as to marry a woman, yet I'm gay, definitely NOT bi. No way.

I'm a formally married gay man and my advice to this woman is be glad you never got married. It's a prescription for disaster with about a 100% chance of failure.

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I know guys that are equal opportunity types. That really did not have a real bias to one or the other, but you are partially correct that bias can be more one way or the other. I even know several gay guys but they have mentioned they really feel no attraction to women, even though as you mentioned they are fully capable of performing and going through the motions. Me for example feel real repulsion if it would come to kissing another guy... not for me at all. The idea of it really puts me off. They feel that way towards women.

Personally I don't give two hoots if its somebody else that does it in private, what adults do behind closed doors is between them alone, in public however it gives me the willies. Its not for me.

I agree with your advice however about being glad she never married him. Not too many women are happy with that concept or even want to deal with him possibly fooling around with other guys and not just other women. Its something that's likely to fester and grow over time until it boils over. But that advice will work for anyone. But I will concede I'm not in that situation. I'm sure of my orientation and happy with it.

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Originally Posted by cadillac59

I have to disagree about bisexuality. Don't get me wrong, it's okay with me if people think they are bi- whatever- I just don't think it exists in men (women maybe). Almost no one who says he's bi claims equal attraction for both sexes and most say they sway more in one direction than the other. So if a guys says he's bi but prefers sex with men 90% of the time in what meaningful sense is he "bisexual"? It just really doesn't make any sense. Who you have sex with has nothing to do with sexual orientation, arousal is what it's all about. If a guy spends most of his time with other guys sexually and only once and a while has sex with a woman, I'd say he's gay but for some reason does it with women now and again. I went so far as to marry a woman, yet I'm gay, definitely NOT bi. No way.

I'm a formally married gay man and my advice to this woman is be glad you never got married. It's a prescription for disaster with about a 100% chance of failure.

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I am curious, are you getting a divorce?

Oh yes, definitely. You can only live a lie so long and then you reach a point where you say, "forget it." How would you like climb into bed with a woman every night when you are not sexually attracted to the female body? You can only fake it for so long.

[QUOTE=smoothy;1330588]I know guys that are equal opportunity types. That really did not have a real bias to one or the other, but you are partially correct that bias can be more one way or the other. I even know several gay guys but they have mentioned they really feel no attraction to women, even though as you mentioned they are fully capable of performing and going through the motions. Me for example feel real repulsion if it would come to kissing another guy... not for me at all. The idea of it really puts me off. They feel that way towards women.

I've never met any man that was truly bisexual and I know many other gay men like myself who have been around a lot longer than I have and they agree. Never met one that was truly bisexual in any meaningful sense of the word. As far as women are concerned, that is completely different. Bisexuality MAY exist in women but then female sexuality is different than male sexuality and a totally different topic.

Something like 40% of all gay males (gay men who claim to be gay now and not bi) once considered themselves bisexual. As they grew up a bit and matured they realized they were gay all along. About 25% of all gay men were married at one point in their lives [to women ] and of those unions something like 95% fail. Society rams it into our heads that we are suppose to be straight from the very beginning of our lives. It's everywhere because we live in a straight-dominated society. Gay men usually have to work to free themselves from that conditioning and pressure just to simply be who they are and how they were born. This is something that straight men will never understand.

You said you felt real repulsion about kissing another guy and it was really offputting. That's a pretty fair indication you are straight. You see, you are on the right track about understanding sexual orientation- it's about arousal not behavior. I find kissing a woman repulsive and their bodies a total turn off-- no matter how beautiful they are thought to be in the straight world. But if I kiss a guy, or if I think about the male body, it's like fireworks going off in my head automatically.

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Originally Posted by cadillac59;1330892
I've never met any man that was truly bisexual and I know many other gay men like myself who have been around a lot longer than I have and they agree. Never met one that was truly bisexual in any meaningful sense of the word. As far as women are concerned, that is completely different. Bisexuality MAY exist in women but then female sexuality is different than male sexuality and a totally different topic.

Something like 40% of all gay males (gay men who claim to be gay now and not bi) once considered themselves bisexual. As they grew up a bit and matured they realized they were gay all along. About 25% of all gay men were married at one point in their lives [to women

and of those unions something like 95% fail. Society rams it into our heads that we are suppose to be straight from the very beginning of our lives. It's everywhere because we live in a straight-dominated society. Gay men usually have to work to free themselves from that conditioning and pressure just to simply be who they are and how they were born. This is something that straight men will never understand.

You said you felt real repulsion about kissing another guy and it was really offputting. That's a pretty fair indication you are straight. You see, you are on the right track about understanding sexual orientation- it's about arousal not behavior. I find kissing a woman repulsive and their bodies a total turn off-- no matter how beautiful they are thought to be in the straight world. But if I kiss a guy, or if I think about the male body, it's like fireworks going off in my head automatically.

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That's possible as I base this upon what they had told me that they enjoyed either and that like all of us some people trigger a reaction... with these guys they get that with certain parties of both sexes. Now if there is something deeper such as you sugest I can't say for certain even if they may not be aware of it.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

Thats possible as I base this upon what they had told me that they enjoyed either and that like all of us some people trigger a reaction...with these guys they get that with certain parties of both sexes. Now if there is something deeper such as you sugest I can't say for certain even if they may not be aware of it.

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A lot of this is age-related. I heard a statistic that in up to a certain age, I think 25, a high percentage of men claim to be bisexual (25% maybe, I'll have to check) but that by age 25and beyond that number drops to like 6%. So much of this is just trying to figure out who you are and what you like. Sexuality is a bit more fluid at younger ages but becomes very fixed as we age. I think it's just part of maturing and the process of growing up that causes confusion and hence the "bisexual" label to be used or misused. Again, there is no such thing as bisexuality in men, not in any meaningful sense; you're either gay, straight or lying.

Where did that stat come from?

"25% bisexual up to 25 yrs old. Then it drops to 6%?"

That seems a bit... high on the front end.

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I think it's just part of maturing and the process of growing up that causes confusion and hence the "bisexual" label to be used or misused. Again, there is no such thing as bisexuality in men, not in any meaningful sense; you're either gay, straight or lying.

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I think you are totally mistaken. Your research is flawed and skewed toward homosexuality.

Your post is insulting to bisexuals. YOU may perceive Gay or Straight ONLY as sexual orientations, that does not make it right, it is just YOUR interpretation and your beliefs.

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Originally Posted by Ash123

Where did that stat come from?

"25% bisexual up to 25 yrs old. Then it drops to 6%?"

That seems a bit...high on the front end.

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I have a friend who related the statistic to me that in the teens about 25% of men identify as gay/bi and by their mid 20's only 6% identify as gay. I was a bit off in the numbers and the exact description of whom they apply to. I can't quote the direct source of this data but the individual I got the information from is very knowledgeable of LGBT issues and studies conducted on this topic and is very reliable in general on sexual identity matters.

The numbers seemed high to me too when I first heard them (25% on the front end I mean) but the more I think about it the more it makes sense. Sexual identity (the sense one has about himself of whether he is gay or straight) often takes time to develop and it seems reasonable that most people have it sorted out by their mid-twenties. Those who try to repress their sexuality (almost always that identity as being gay) can drag things out longer, sometimes dating women, marrying, having kids only to realize after many years have past that not only did that nagging sense of being gay not go away or diminish it actually intensified (in the middle of this confusion often that sense of being "bi" takes hold but it's almost always a delusion). When they reach the breaking point is where these marriages fail with their inevitable concomitant fall out of broken families and lives. It's very sad. Sad for the wives, the kids and the gay husbands. That's why I say avoid this at all cost. Come out of the closet early whether the society in which you live accepts it or not. It's your life, not someone else's.

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Originally Posted by Xrayman

I think you are totally mistaken. Your research is flawed and skewed toward homosexuality.

Your post is insulting to bisexuals. YOU may perceive Gay or Straight ONLY as sexual orientations, that does not make it right, it is just YOUR interpretation and your beliefs.

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As I said earlier it really matters little to me if a guy wants to fall back on the label "bisexual" , describe himself as such, and expect others to believe it. Hey, describe yourself however you like. Whatever. But all I'm saying is bisexuality, in any meaningful sense (and I mean by any coherent rational definition) does not exist. It's the result of confusion in definitions or flat out repression of one's identity as gay or both.

Ever heard of the study done recently on bisexuality? About 100 men were studied. About 1/3 identified as gay, 1/3 straight and 1/3 bisexual. Gay porn and straight porn were played for each group and arousal was measured by device that was sensitive to changes in penile shape, temperature, etc. Those in the gay group and straight group responded as anticipated. The gay men responded to gay porn and not straight porn; the straight guys responded to straight porn but not the gay. Surprisingly about 90% in the bisexual group responded just like gay men and 10% (or so) responded just like straight men. No one in the bisexual group responded in a uniquely different way (like showing equal arousal). Hence, the researchers concluded that serious doubt could be cast on whether bisexuality in men could be considered a stable sexual orientation as is heterosexuality and homosexuality.

Like I said, I think you are either gay, straight or lying.

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Surprisingly about 90% in the bisexual group responded just like gay men and 10% (or so) responded just like straight men. No one in the bisexual group responded in a uniquely different way (like showing equal arousal). Hence, the researchers concluded that serious doubt could be cast on whether bisexuality in men could be considered a stable sexual orientation as is heterosexuality and homosexuality.

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Essentially, bisexuality for a man is having sex with men, what you refer to as gay sex-so for 90% to respond to gay porn does not in any way surprise me.

Bisexuality refers to male to female sex, so 10% responded to that-that makes sense as well.

Was there any "Bisexual porn" shown to the group?? what would constitute "Bi porn" anyway? a "straight" reaction, in your vernacular is an erection over male to female sex, while a gay reaction is erection over male to male sex, the Bi group was 90% gay and 10% straight according to their and your conclusions- have they or you considered that 1. the group identifying themselves as bi were (in their minds) EXACTLY 50/50 in their minds about their degree of bisexuality? I very much doubt it.

In this case you may be right that (in the 100 participants theat the 1/3 BI members were in fact closer to homosexuality in their persuasion than hetrosexuality?? Bisexuality is not EXACTLY 50/50 necessarily... Just thought you may need some clarification.

statistics is a wonderful tool used to convince anyone of anything.

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Originally Posted by Xrayman

essentially, bisexuality for a man is having sex with men, what you refer to as gay sex-so for 90% to respond to gay porn does not in any way surprise me.

bisexuality refers to male to female sex, so 10% responded to that-that makes sense as well.

was there any "Bisexual porn" shown to the group???, what would constitute "Bi porn" anyway?, a "straight" reaction, in your vernacular is an erection over male to female sex, while a gay reaction is erection over male to male sex, the Bi group was 90% gay and 10% straight according to their and your conclusions- have they or you considered that 1. the group identifying themselves as bi were (in their minds) EXACTLY 50/50 in their minds about their degree of bisexuality?. I very much doubt it.

In this case you may be right that (in the 100 participants theat the 1/3 BI members were in fact closer to homosexuality in their persuasion than hetrosexuality??? bisexuality is not EXACTLY 50/50 necessarily...Just thought you may need some clarification.

statistics is a wonderful tool used to convince anyone of anything.

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Sexual orientation is not about behavior. That's where the confusion lies. It's about arousal. Period.

A gay man can have sex with women all day long and at the end of the day he will still be gay. Having sex with women won't turn him straight (I had sex with my wife for years and I'm still as gay as gay can be and I always will be). BY the same token, a straight man can have sex with other men and it won't make him gay.

If a guy has sex with other guys about 90% of the time, I'd say he's probably gay (not forgetting that there might be some other explanation for it and understanding the statement I just made). But if bisexuality does not mean equal attraction toward both genders, what does it mean? How is being "bi" but favoring sex with men 90% of the time any different than simply being gay? And visa versa. Where's the difference and why the slant in one direction? Virtually no bisexual person claims equal arousal toward both genders and, with that in mind, any possible definition of bisexuality becomes impossible.

Kinsey scale - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Read this.

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Originally Posted by Xrayman

Kinsey scale - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

read this.

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I disagree with Kinsey. The world really is gay or straight. Notice the YEAR in which Kinsey writes: 1948. In 1948 homosexuality was considered a mental illness and homosexual sex was criminalized in most of the English speaking world. A very different era.

I think we've progressed quite a bit in understanding human sexuality in the last 60 years, thank God.

The Kinsey Report has been proven to be flawed several times. His main research base was imprisoned men, for one thing.

Do more research on the ENTIRE Kinsey Report before quoting it as a modern source please.

That being said--the OP has not been back since July. You're just debating now, and not actually answering a question--not that the OP has been back to read your answers anyway.

If you want to debate it, either start your own thread, or move to Members Discussion, or whatever. This is getting tedious to moderate, as your debate is doing little to no good in actually answering the question.

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Originally Posted by Synnen

The Kinsey Report has been proven to be flawed several times. His main research base was imprisoned men, for one thing.

Do more research on the ENTIRE Kinsey Report before quoting it as a modern source please.

That being said--the OP has not been back since July. You're just debating now, and not actually answering a question--not that the OP has been back to read your answers anyway.

If you want to debate it, either start your own thread, or move to Members Discussion, or whatever. This is getting tedious to moderate, as your debate is doing little to no good in actually answering the question.

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Thanks for commenting on Kinsey. But the original question mentioned bisexuality (recall the boyfriend said he was bi) and the poster was confused. It's been a while since she posted, yes, but I think this is related to her underlying concern. If her boyfriend said he's bi, she needs to move on no matter what and be glad she found out when she did. The reality is, however, that he is not bi, but gay and will be the rest of his life.

The debate on whether he's bi or gay does not belong here.

I personally disagree with you--being bisexual myself, I think I probably understand that state of mind better than you do, since you don't think bisexuality seems to exist.

Either way--debating her boyfriend's sexual preference isn't going to help ANYONE. She needs to know how to help herself here, not whether her boyfriend is gay, straight, bi, or into animals or whatever.

So--I stand by my original response. The debate on whether bisexuality exists should be consigned to a different question. If it persists here, I will MOVE them to a new question, and close this one.

I am not going to be flexible on this. Don't argue with me on it, please. The idea is to HELP the OP, not to confuse the issue with semantics.

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Originally Posted by Synnen

The debate on whether he's bi or gay does not belong here.

I personally disagree with you--being bisexual myself, I think I probably understand that state of mind better than you do, since you don't think bisexuality seems to exist.

Either way--debating her boyfriend's sexual preference isn't going to help ANYONE. She needs to know how to help herself here, not whether or not her boyfriend is gay, straight, bi, or into animals or whatever.

So--I stand by my original response. The debate on whether or not bisexuality exists should be consigned to a different question. If it persists here, I will MOVE them to a new question, and close this one.

I am not going to be flexible on this. Don't argue with me on it, please. The idea is to HELP the OP, not to confuse the issue with semantics.

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Okay, Synnen, fair enough. I'll start a new thread on whether anyone believes bisexuality in men exists (I said it might exist in women, which is another subject on which I feel unqualified as a man to comment). What attracted me to this poster's question, however, was the concern over developing a relationship with this guy with whom one obviously would never work, having once been married myself and fallen into this same sort of tragic situation.