He has to look at it everyday.if I go to the store he has to look at it.we've been together 4 almost 3 years and have a child together.im just scared this is gonns push me away 4 good .help me
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He has to look at it everyday.if I go to the store he has to look at it.we've been together 4 almost 3 years and have a child together.im just scared this is gonns push me away 4 good .help me
You need to talk to him and tell him how this is making you feel. If he is looking at it all the time, is it possible he is kind of addicted? If so, talking to a counselor might help. Also, try to get him involved in an activity like a sports team or class, or whatever would interest him. More busy time is less time for him to look at it. Explain to him that you feel this is pushing you away. One thing that might help is for you guys to both go to couples counseling together.
That is addiction-counselling is needed, for sure you need to make sure he understands your dislike for it.
How old? How long together? How is your sex life? Can he get you off? Is he a giving partner? Is he distant in bed? Can you get him off? Other addictions?
All those things can help us understand your situation, but the short answer is you get the respect you demand, and sometimes not even that. If its important to you that he not view porn, you don't need to justify your position.
Guys are visual apes who are idiots about viewing the female form and we are often able to disconnect that stimulation from the partner... meaning, while the woman feels she is compared, contrasted, and relegated to undesirable, the guys perspective is not "man i wish my woman looked like that"... its more like "hey! boobs!"
We are idiots like that.
Now... I'm not saying it should be OK. Its my belief that unless both partners enjoy some aspect of visual stim, be it skinimax or soft porn or hardcore... unless both really find a connection there (and there are people here who do) that its mostly a destructive force that takes emotional and physical energy away from the relationship.
Years ago, a girlfriend came over to my place. Found a playboy in the bathroom. Stomped out and demanded to know, holding up the centerfold, "is this what you like"? My answer was simply "well, i liked it well enough for those few minutes i needed it"... she didn't seem impressed.
So... where does this leave you?
You are clearly bothered by his looking at porn. Why? Again... I'm NOT attacking you... I want to understand where you are hurting. Are there other issues and this is just one piled on top? Are there issues with intimacy? Is it self esteem? etc.
As far as what you can do... you cannot make him do anything he doesn't want to. You can ask, beg, threaten, leave, etc. maybe one of the above will work. Or not. Just remember that in the end... you need to decide what your limit is a live with it... if that means with him, great... if it means not with him, fine. Just look for some middle ground, offer him a chance, and live with the result.
All you can do is give him the facts, the limits, and the chance to do right by you or walk away.
I would put blockers on my computer, he may get the hint,
If he is bothering you, and I am sure it is, you will deal with him.
Whatever you end up doing, try as hard as possible not to put him on the defensive. Use "I" statements such as "I feel you're comparing me to those women", not "You're always on that damned computer!"
Or:
Try looking at it with him
Don't wear sweatpants around the house (not that you have to look like a model, but try not to "slummin' it" or not as much
Men are visual creatures, they don't need or want "sweet talk" they want T and A.
I was a little bothered by my boyfriend's porn usage but only because it was secret. We talked, he showed me some of his porn and I showed him some of mine. Sometimes a person just wants to get off rather than go through the work of sex, especially when really tired.
All that porn is hurting his human sexual response, changing him into a man addicted to masturbation and fantasy.
Whatever disappointments you both have in your marriage, sorry, relationship, and facing real life, it is important for both of you to get a little couple's counselling so you can get your problems on the table and discuss them without descending to rancor and name calling. In the long run, you both will feel a lot better if you do. The bit of depression you have can improve with airing your feelings in a safe place. :)
Look, there is nothing wrong with enjoying the female body. Some guys take this to far but most of us are guilty of enjoying how pretty girls are. If you really want a solution to this problem that isn't going to cause a fight, or make him hide it from you, try watching it with him.
Just have it on when you guys start watching TV at night. Check out his reaction. Maybe you both will have a fun night.
Porn CAN be completely healthy. He however, is not going about it the right way. Is he trying to hide it from you? Does he ever choose masturbation over sex with you? Does he ever ask you to watch it with him? He needs to know how you stand on the subject. Let him know it hurts you and you think it's hurting your relationship. Some problems can be solved with communication alone. That's the way to keep things good is to talk to each other about these things. If not they fester!
Nothing wrong with looking at porn... however if it absorbs his every waking hour... or he prefers to spank the monkey than have sex with you then I'll agree he has a problem.
In my entire life my hand has never been preferred to a live willing woman.
When we have sex it is great. But when I know he's alredy done it today it make me not want to have sex with him. He know how I feel about it he just don't care... iwe've talked about it and he knows he has a problem with it... but he says if I want him 2 go see someone I have 2 pay for it and I don't work... he don't want me 2. he has h ealth care but he say it won't cover it.an yes it does make me a little insecure about myself but I know I don't have any reason 2. and its not that he looks at porn I know every guy likes it. I like it too... its how much he does it... I can go get something 2 eat and he online look at porn... we've also don't it together but most of the time I don't like 2 because he don't like having sex while doing it. He wants me 2 give him head while he does it... and let me remind you he's doing it for an avg. of 1 1/2 - 2 hours... that's a long time to be giving head. And I don't get anything out of it... we've broken up over this before.. I know if I want to be with him I have 2 get over this.
So know I just go 2 bed and let him do whatever. So I endup sleeping bymyself most of the time. And he knows how bad I hate slepping alone... and he don't care how it makes me feel. And I've pretty much said my feelings 2 try and make us work.
OK, based on what you just said he has issues... and its not just with porn... he's a real jerk to be nice about it and not too blunt. For starters he is awful arrogant and self serving. Not to mention rude and controlling.Quote:
Originally Posted by melissa0819
My thing is he doesn't have 2. he's got a goodlooking woman right in front of him that will do ANYTHING for him. And I get freaky too.
Well, obviously he doesn't realize what he has. I am sitting here wondering why you are still with this man if he treats you this way.
Well he is the only man that I feel does love me... and he does even after all the he's done. He didn't even cry when his father dies but 2 times that I did leave he cried. I also stay because he is the father of my child and she loves her daddy and I want him to be there for her. When she grows up I don't want her 2 hate me because her father wa never there...
Yeah, but do you want her to hate him because he treats her mommy like crap and with no respect? Do you want her to hate him because you guys are always arguing ebcause you can't get along because you're not supposed to be together?
Well then it wouldn't b mommy's fault.. because I'm trying. That's y now I'm just letting him do it so we don't have 2 fight. I know it probably not the best way 2 look at it...
This is an abusive relationship. I would suggest getting out and NOW!
He is addicted to porn. That is an addiction just like drugs. Porn today is the number 1 destroyer of families in the World. This is not healthy for you or your child. Please do not worry about his addiction and get out of this relationship while you can and before he does something to your child.
Then he would b dead... and he don't get that close 2 my baby... I take care of her.
Abuse isn't just physical... it can be emotional too and that's the sort this appears to be. You don't have to have physical bruises to be abused.Quote:
Originally Posted by melissa0819
I know. I really don't have anyone else... and nowhere safe 2 go... so for now this is the best place ithink.
Please don't become submissive under his wants. You are important in your relationship too, not just him.You ALSO have feelings, wants, needs and desires, not just him.
Have you ever tried making a homemade sex tape? That way you both can watch each other, he is getting his porn and you aren't getting upset with him looking at other women.
No we hav'nt but i've hinted at it... but he don't want 2 i don't think. Id have 2 do it alone... then give it to him .i'd b scared he'd put it on the internet.
Well, regardless of how many excuses you feel the need to use, this relationship is not healthy. It's going to end horribly for you and your child unless you get out now. If you don't really want help then why ask for it?
I do want help... its sooo hard 2 just walk away
Well, were all telling you that's what needs to be done. And you are making excuses not to do it. Ultimately you are going to do what you are going to do. But we have spoken.
Well trust me its normal for a guy to like porn but he is married and most of all he has children so just tell him if he wants to stay with you to stop looking at porn it is not a good life style for your kids to go through and if you know what's best for you don't let your children knowQuote:
Originally Posted by melissa0819
Well of course she witll never know... and he's told me if I do say choose me it it hey would just do it behind my back... I know its normal. But not like he does it. If I could just not care about it we'd b OK. No matter how I feel about it.
The problem you have with it is normal, you not caring about it isn't going to help the situation. Him being an @ss hole is what's the problem!
I'm sorry about my last post. I am supposed to be objective and I wasn't. I apologize if I hurt your feelings or was too forward. I am going to leave this post.
Please stop the chat speak.
You are an ADULT> Type like one, or I will delete further posts. This is an adults only board, and only kids HAVE to use chat speak. I can't understand (nor do I want to make the effort to understand) when you don't type out what you actually mean.
That being said--LISTEN to yourself. Do you want your little girl to be the same kind of woman, using the same kind of excuses for staying with a jerk that you are? That's what you're teaching her right now, you know. It's okay to stay with someone who doesn't care about you and who is mean to you as long as you LOVE them, and they say they LOVE you.
Would you want your daughter in the relationship you're in? She will be, if you don't find the courage to leave. I understand that it's scary, and that it's hard---but if he's really the kind of guy you're saying he is, then your best bet is to LEAVE. Pack up a few things you can't live without, and get yourself to the local women's shelter.
Think about what you're teaching your daughter is okay. THINK about it. History repeats itself, and if you don't teach her that NO ONE has to be treated badly because of "love", then she'll end up with some jerk who knocks her up, treats her like crap, and keeps her around to do the maid things around the house, while he looks at porn.
There is a point at which you choose to be a "victim"...
His actions are offensive to you. The fear of being alone are what's keeping you with him. If there were another kind, caring man ready to love you right now, you would step back, right?
So... time to decide what's acceptable. If you choose to stay, you accept it. If you choose to leave, you choose it.
You are not powerless. I wish you peace, love, and happiness.
As the man who married a woman who was a single mother for 13 years... I can tell you... sometimes its worth the work, struggle, and fear. My wife accepted nothing less than a healthy, loving marriage for her and her child.
Most relationships have some areas of conflict. I'm not going to tell you what is right or wrong for you. But at some point, we all must decide to accept or live with the conflict.
Personally... I think you are stronger than you think. I've had the fear of being alone, being by myself hit me so hard it was numbing.
And then I got over it.
I really don't think he is going to change. You've confronted him. Begged him. Its not happening.
So time for you to take control... whatever that means, only you get to decide.
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