I'm 26 an my fella is 23 we have a little girl an another on the way but about 8months ago I found a text on his phone 2 another man saying that he loved me an his daughter but he wanted 1 last time wiv him I asked him about it an he tried saying that it was a joke an this lad was from school I didn't believe him so I started checking his emails I found out that he was on a few gay web sites anyway it all came out that he did av oral sex wiv men before we met but could never see himself wiv a man couldn't sleep wiv a man an so on so I tried 2 forgive him then I got pregnant again an I was about 3months pregnant an came home from work an had a feeling 2 check his history as I work nights and again he ad been on chat rooms looking at men I asked him about it an he admitted that he was bi an wanted to know if he was making the right choice as he didn't want to hurt me anymore he said after that he knew that I was all he wanted we sorted it out an as much as my head as been messed up wiv all this I am trying 2 for give him the his phone got cut off so I put my sim in his phone an txted a few people ut of his phone got a text bk frm 1 lad an chatted as if I was my boyfriend just 2 get rid of him txtin my phone then he started saying sick things so I have kicked my boyfriend out he says he doesn't no why he is doing this he loves me an can't live wiv out me should I give him a chance or leave him there is a lot more 2 this story just will take me a week 2 wright it help I feel like I'm going mad!!

I'd leave him alone. He is conflicted. Probably gay and does not want to admit it. He needs to leave women alone and stop making babies until he finds out what he wants.
You don't know that he is not having sex so, I would not want him in my bed.
I wish you well.

MMM just because he is bisexual does not mean he does not love you! Tell him to sort out if he wants a committed relationship with you a woman or a man-then if he decides on you-then good-if not then move on.

You know the facts.
You are not crazy.

In the long run you both will be happier on your own.
If he's had oral with other men, he's wired a little differently than you (or a life male partner for that matter)

If you can deal with him smoking other guys on the side, hang in there, but right now what you have is an "arrangement" and perhaps that is nice for the child, but may not work in the long term.

Can't believe no one is answering me all I need is a little advice frm everyone who looks 70 people av read my problem only 3 posted comments how is this suppose 2 help me :( help!!

It may be because your post is very hard to read - it's written in chatspeak without a single bit of punctuation.

You asked why people were looking but not answering. I gave you the reason.

Sorry, NK, have to spread the love, or I'd balance the noob.

To the OP--YOU are being rude. Most of us adults here ignore chat speak, because WE learned to type using full words, with correct spelling and punctuation.

Your question was hard to read.

Secondly--I just had no advice for you. Love just isn't enough to make all relationships work. Disney has made it so we expect happily ever after with every relationship, because if it's NOT perfect, some fairy godmother is going to pop in and fix it all with her magic wand.

Well, honey--this is the real world. You kicked him out--great! If you can't trust him to be honest with you, then why in the world would you want a relationship with him?

Move on, in my opinion. There are other guys out there.

Okay, so this is what I think I'm reading from your original post:

I'm 26 and my boyfriend is 23. We have a little girl and another on the way. About eight months ago, I found a text on his phone to another man saying that he loved me and our daughter, but he wanted one last time with him. I asked my boyfriend about it and he tried saying that it was a joke and this lad was from school. I didn't believe him, so I started checking his emails and found out that he was on a few gay web sites. Anyway, it all came out that he did have oral sex with men before we met, but could never see himself with a man, couldn't sleep with a man, and so on. I tried to forgive him.

Then I got pregnant again. When I was about three months pregnant, I came home from work and had a feeling to check his browsing history (I work nights). Again, he had been in chat rooms looking at men. I asked him about it, and he admitted that he was bi, and wanted to know if he was making the right choice as he didn't want to hurt me any more. He said that after the last internet experience he knew that I was all he wanted. We sorted it out, and as much as my head has been messed up with all this I am trying to forgive him.

Then his phone got cut off, so I put my sim in his phone and texted a few people out of his phone. I got a text back from one lad, and chatted as if I was my boyfriend just to get rid of him texting my phone. Then he started saying sick things, so I have kicked my boyfriend out. He says he doesn't know why he is doing this. He loves me and can't live without me. Should I give him a chance or leave him? There is a lot more to this story, but it would take me a week to write it. Help, I feel like I'm going mad!

People don't just stop being bi or gay or straight. People also don't just start being monogamous. Nobody can or should answer your question for you, because you are the only one who can do that. Maybe asking yourself if you can live with someone who is seeing other people would be a start. It certainly does sound as though your boyfriend has a desire to engage in some kind of intimate contact with other men in addition to his relationship with you. Can you live with that? Have you and he really talked honestly about this? Is there enough of a foundation in this relationship to even consider exploring all that?

Run.

Ok, Don't trip or fall or anything. Or bump into a wall as you are fleeing. Or step in a hole. Or get out of breath... and if you do - get up - and keep moving.
But, You are better off with someone who was born to love you and only you!

Thank you for taking time to reply to my message. I wrote it way I did because I thought people would get bored reading it. He loves me I know that. He says that he wants me and only me, he will never love or want anyone other than me an will never cheat on me.

Go back and read your own post. He has already cheated. But if you love him enough to always be wondering if he is on the gay sites or with another guy sucking the lollipop, then you stay with him.
I think you are n serious denial and so is he.

Just because he had that message on him phone doesn't mean he has cheated on me. Im not saying he hasn't but isn't it my choice to believe him or not? You may all think I'm stupid and maybe I am but I ;ove him and my kids need there dad.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by sxybaby1

Just because he had that message on him phone doesnt mean he has cheated on me. Im not saying he hasnt but isnt it my choice to believe him or not? you may all think im stupid and maybe i am but i ;ove him and my kids need there dad.

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It's got nothing to do with stupidity, but about how much you're willing to delude yourself, and it sounds as though you've already answered that question. Life is all about choices, and you're exercising that power right now by choosing to believe what works for you right now.

A word of caution: strong relationships aren't built on deception. Staying in this type of relationship may seem to be the best choice to you right now, but please remember kids aren't stupid. You're deluding yourself willingly; your kids don't have that choice.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by sxybaby1

Just because he had that message on him phone doesnt mean he has cheated on me. Im not saying he hasnt but isnt it my choice to believe him or not? you may all think im stupid and maybe i am but i ;ove him and my kids need there dad.

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No one said you were stupid, but you asked for opinions and you got them. You have dealt with this twice with him, who knows how many times you don't know about. He may love you, but he also has a thing for men.
It's your choice if you want to deal with this, but don't delude yourself. Until your boy friend is honest with himself about his sexuality, you are going to have to deal with him sneaking around and looking at gay sites or talking to other men. He is not honest with himself and IMO until he is, he won't be honest with you either and that is not fair to you or your kids.
I wish you well.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by sxybaby1

Just because he had that message on him phone doesnt mean he has cheated on me. Im not saying he hasnt but isnt it my choice to believe him or not? you may all think im stupid and maybe i am but i ;ove him and my kids need there dad.

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Sweetie, it sounds like you know what you want to do. If you are looking for reassurance I am not sure if you are going to get it here. We can only comment on what you post, and what you posted points to the fact that he did cheat on you. But, we do not live your life so we cannot comment on how he treats you or your children. And ultimately yes it is your choice to stay or go. Please make sure that you make the choice that is best for you and your children.

To me though, if he is cheating on you and texting men about being with them that would be a big ole sign to run away fast.

This relationship is DOOMED. No chance. ZERO. read your post... he has had a DOUBLE LIFE. You were with the wrong guy. I know that is a terrible reality. But the MORE important thing is your NEW life and getting yourself in a position to meet a new and better man for your child and you to love... your ex can visit in the future I'm sure.

Sorry.

Contact your family and friends and keep them close for the holidays and you can survive this.

Does he have to be gay though? Why can't he just be bi? He doesn't have sex with men and he sent messages never slept or done anything with anyone else but then again hiw can I believe that? Just do I suppose.

Bi? Gay?
Does it make a difference?

Your boyfriend has been looking for love with another sex... and it's not YOU.

Get a new life... maybe in a year you can take another look at this.
Not now.

He just doesn't respect you enough.

That is your right to disagree.

I can only say this perhaps:
Hear me now.
Believe me later.

I wouldn't believe me either if I had a child, another on the way, and was in love and hurting...
It could take months for any of this to sink in.
I do hope for the best for you all though... Sexual orientation is not something we can turn on and off and his current contrition is not emblematic of a lifestyle conversion.

I am sure he is hurting as well. But if you had never found out (more than once I might add.. hmm)... then what?
How long would it have gone on and how far would it have progressed?
Hmmm, I think you got lucky. But I am hoping you can find peace whatever way you choose -- soon.
Sometimes the right thing is not the easy thing.

Thx, T -

I don't really know how to answer that. Thanks for the message its silly because even though I know all this, there is still apart of me that doesn't believe he is gay, maybe its just I don't want 2 believe it. I've read messages off other women who think there husbands are gay an the things they say... they don't av sex... they get treated badly no romance looking at other men john is nothing lik that he tells me how much he loves me all the time will bring me breakfast in bed he calls me his beauty queen an that is just how he treats me he knows that I come on these websites an chat 2 people an he is happy wiv that never asks me questions about it he says if this is what I need 2 get past it an be happy again he is willing 2 do anything an I really want 2 believe him but there will always be the fact that he lied to me he is adment he as never cheated on me and openly admits that if I didn't find out he prob would still be doing it but swears he would never meet anyone he says it was more like an adictsion he ad done this for so long that he couldn't help himself an apart of me thinks he got sloppy for a reason I always think he kept it quiet an no 1 ever knew for so long he has ad girlfriends in the past who av always done the dirty on him an he would fall bk into the internet world I know its no excuse.I av spoke 2 my best friend an a close friend of the family an they know most of wats happened an they think I should give it another go they c how well he treats me how much he does for me an the kids. But there is still summat there you no what I mean? Its just hard. Thanks for listening to me an every bit of advice helps. X

Also I know what your saying is true but I love him so much he is my whole world. He says he wants nothing an no one else but that's not the point now is it? The trust is gone an I so wish I could have that back, he says he will spend his life making it up to me but how can he? He won't go I kick him out he sits in the car outside, I say if you love me you will let me go he says he will be nothing with out me an no one will ever be me. How can I leave him when I know how much he loves me but I don't know if what happened with him is what he said or if he is denial. I can't imagen my life with out him in it, life is so unfair.

No problem.

But since you disagreed with me there is not much more than I can say - except read my last post... my guess is deep down you are so hurt you can't handle any more reality right now.

Can you imagine catching him and another man in a couple years? If so, maybe you can handle trying again.

I don't really know what I can or can't handle anymore. I have read your last message and thank you for your time.

Sure he treats you good and does things for you, he feels guilty and should, because he is living a double life. He likes men. He can call it what he likes. As long as he is sneaking and talking to men, he is cheating because he is doing something behind your back. He is going to gay sites, talking to men in the phone, straight men don't do that. But only you know how much you are willing to deal with.

The advice is pretty clear sexy.

It's pretty obvious your man is bi-sexual, no one thinks contrary to that. If that is established, then him telling you he does or can't sleep with men is because he's embarrassed about it andso he's covering up, like it was a one time deal. I can't imagine enjoying the ummm oral part and not going further, its bound to have happened. Soooo its easy really, would you date a bi-sexual? It obviously bothers you, and I doubt telling him to stop will make any difference, if he has a boy's nightout it could happen,it canalways happen... run away!

I think that you are at an important crossroads in your life... you are faced with having to give up your romantic illusions and delusions about "love", or facing reality, and making a life for yourself in which you have a chance for some happiness in the future.

There is no future in a relationship with a homosexual man. He knows he can BS you because you are all tied up in thoughts of love and being loved instead of in thoughts of what is best for you, what will give you the best chance for happiness.

The worst that can happen is that you will be in your late 40-s, lost your looks, are bitter and unpopular... and still asking people what you should do, and responding,, "but, he loves me".

Be positive! You might go to a quiet place such as a library, or whatever, and think about your life and what you want your life to be like in five years, ten years... the areas of employment, children, man, hobbies, sports, education... describe in detail what you want for yourself. Write down all the good things you want for yourself... write down the positive actions you can take toward your goals.

It is important to take charge of your life so you can make yourself happy!


Best wishes to you.

Its not like I can just cut him out of my life, we have children togther. I think I should make my mind up when I'm in a good state of mind, not when I'm pregnant. Don't know if that means kick him out now or when I've had the baby an I know what I'm thinking is me and not hormoans.

I do look at my life and ask myself what I want in 5, 10years and I don't see it without him in it.

I think if he had told me from the start that he was bisexual then we wouldn't be togther now, but he didn't give me that chance and now we have a family and he says a future, there is a part of me that believe's that to. I don't want to believe that it will be like that, that il be 40 an bitter still asking the same questions I hope that he will have proved to me that what he is telling me now is the truth.

I always thought that someone who is bisexual couldn't settle down and love one person as they want sex with both men an women, but after talking to people who are bi it's the person they love not the sexualty. Being faithfull is the issue and I hope and believe that what we have is to important to him to risk it again because I lnow me an I know that if he ever did anything he would lose me forever and he knows that to.

I am sorry you are pregnant. That is tough.

This is a very tough situation. One of the tougher I've seen recently... BUT you are not a prisoner and if you are OK being married to a Bi-sexual or a gay man, then please have an honest talk about it. If ou are going to be in a relationship you need to set some parameters... Is that something you all can do? And your kids can live with - an open relationship?
You don't want AIDS. That would make the problems you have now seem like NOTHING! You must think of the worst caase scenario first and then work back to a best case scenario. If you are going to continue one day with him or on your own with a divorce settlement you need to weigh the realities... (I would take a small break with loving care and famlly and friends if possible. If you cannot, that's life).

Im OK with him being bisexual, what I'm not OK with is that being an excuse for him to cheat on me if he ever did, if I'm going to give him the chance now then I have to forget the past first or at least forgive it. Being bi is no excuse he can't cheat on me and think its OK because he is bisexual. He can cheat on me with a man an not a woman, I don't think so if he wants me then he has to live with the fact that's its me and only me or nothing he can't have his cake and eat it to, it doesn't work like that I am not the sort of woman to sit back and turn a blind eye. You may not think it from what I've been saying but I'm a very strong woman and he knows that this chance is his last. It may be the biggest mistake me giving him another chance but if he did it again there would be no excuses he could say he would be gone for good.

I wish I could get some time on my own he won't leave me, I kick him out an he sits outside in the car or sleeps in the car then I can't sleep because I'm worried about him sleeping in a car.

You need some time to think, you can't be worried about where he's sleeping. He's grown. He'll sleep in the car if he knows you will let him back in. He has created this mess now he needs to allow you the time and space to decide what you're going to do.
He is acting like a confused teen.

Also if he was gay and was just ashamed about it, why would he be OK with me talking to people about it says he doesn't care who knows what he's done as long as I believe it will never happen again.

I think he will say anything at this point to get you to stay with him.
He does have sexual issues and if he wants a relationship with you he needs to deal with those issues so he will know if he wants to be with you or wants to be free to explore options. He can't have it both ways while he is in a relationship.

He is saying all of this because you caught him again. Who knows how far he and this guy would have gone had you not found out about it. The fact that this is the second time would lead me to believe you've got a problem here.
How long have you two been together?

We have been back togther for 15months we were togther for a short time before, we split up he was with someone else an so was I then we got back togther he had a child with this other girl.

I chatted on his msn for a while as him to this bloke with out anyone knowing, the guy thought I was him it was hard but I found out everything he told me was true he ad only met this guy twice it was while he was with this other girl not me that text was the first text he had sent since we were back with each other. I will never forget this I was on his msn talking to this Ian and he said John your not gay you was curious what we had is nothing compared to the love you tell me you have for this woman go and save your family he also confirmed that they never kissed never had sex all the time we were talking he thought it was my boyfriend I would put it like she doesn't believe we have never kissed and he would say that's because she doesn't understand that sex for men isn't all about love and passion its about cummin. About 3days after that message I phoned this guy told him that for the past to weeks it was me he was talking to and that I didn't blame him. About a week later I checked his gaydar account before deleteing it and found a message from Ian he said didn't know if he still used it vut wished us well and hoped that we could put this all behind us.

I just have issues with this guy. He is 23 has two kids, another on the way, chats with other guys on line. He sounds very immature and pretty irresponsible. Why did he break up with the other girl. Was it the same type of thing, the gay thing? Does he take care of his other child?
This guy just seems like bad news all around to me, wayyy too much drama, but you know him, I don't.

He split up with the other girl to get back with me nothing to do with the gay thing, he loved me and wanted me back. No he doesn't see the other child that baby an our daugther only have about a months diffrance between them but he doesn't think this child is his as she was sleeping with her ex at the same time. Your right about the drama there is way too much of that, he is a wonderful dad my son from a past boyfriend loves him to bits and calls him dad as a person he is great I just think that he didn't know what he wanted till it was to late, he nearly lost everything and now I hope an believe that now he knows what he wants.

It sounds to me like he is more than likely more gay than bi. He likes the idea of being with you because you give him the dilusion of something that he wants.. he wants to have a family (as many gay men do), but he can't have a family with another man. He got in to this situation with you before he was sure of what he really wanted sexually, now he's too scared to leave the situation because he does want the family, he does love you, but he also does want a man. You can't be a man. He's not speaking completely with you.. it's obvious that he really doesn't want to hurt you, or his kids, but the truth is, he's gay. You may love him forever, you may think that you will never find anyone who can replace what you two have together, but you can.

What you need to do is end it. Just because you end it doesn't mean he can't be there for your kids or you. Let him be in your life, but you need to move on and see him as a really good friend. Get your life together while you are still young. Don't wake up one day to find him with another man. You need to realize that eventually he is going to realize that he wants a man and not a woman.. and you need to be gone before that happens.
Start listening now.

Its going to be hard, its going to take a long time to get over, your going to cry a lot, you'll be angry and confused, but when you look back on it 10 years from now and you have a man who isn't gay, who loves you and will give you his whole heart, you will be happy.

Good luck to you