I recently found a dildo my husband had packed in his gym bag (along with lube). I know he likes to use this, though never around me, cause it kind of turns me off. This is not the first time I've discovered a dildo (once in the back of my car, about 2 years ago. He bought it when I was out of town with our children). He says he just uses it on himself. Could he be having an affair? Is he gay? I am having trouble trusting him, because he always seems to be hiding something from me. I have not passed judgment on his dildo use, just would rather not know too much about it. But taking it out of the house? I don't know what to think!

He and I would have to have a serious talk. I can think of only one reason a man would have such a thing and enjoy the use of it.
He would not be touching me again. There are men who's gates are swining both ways If you know what I mean. He would have an awful lot of explaining to do and I would be getting myself checked for ant STDs. Don't ignore something like that. That is some serious stuff.

Maybe he's just ashamed of using it around you?

I guess if my spouse didn't like something sexually that I did (that didn't involve cheating)--I'd just do it away from him.

That being said... if it bothers you, you need to talk to him. If the two of you do NOT talk about it, it could lead to greated problems--like the lack of trust you talk about.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

He and I would have to have a serious talk. I can think of only one reason a man would have such a thing and enjoy the use of it.
He would not be touching me again. There are men who's gates are swining both ways If you know what I mean. He would have an awful lot of explaining to do and I would be getting myself checked for ant STDs. Don't ignore something like that. That is some serious stuff.

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Wow, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to disagree with you. Some straight men like their prostates pleasured. Which of course is done through some sort of anal stimulation. Just because he has a dildo does not mean he is gay. (And just my thought, if he were gay and having an affair, why would he need a dildo?) If you were a man, and you found out that your woman had a dildo, would you assume she is having an affair? The OP already stated that this kind of thing turns her off, so I'm sure he is just fulfilling his need on his own.

Well he could be using that someone else too. It would still bother me. How would does she know he not only does it to himself but has someonelse use it on him.
I could be wrong. I just find a man poking himself in the butt creepy.

Do you find a woman using a dildo/whatever creepy as well?

No I don't. A penis is what goes there. (in the vagina that is) I find it creepy that a man wants a penis up his butt. I mean what caused him to think "Hmm a penis in my butt would feel good."

First we were discussing sex toys, now we're talking about penises?

You might find it strange that many women like toys in their anuses as well?

I'm not sure if I get your point-how would you determine whether one type of sexual practise is more or less "nice" than what you like/dislike? Sexuality is different for different people.

Cheers!

I understand that, I'm just saying I find it creepy for a man to want a dildo up his butt.

I know people like different things, I just find something's creepy and unappealing and anal sex is one of them.
If I found out my husband was sticking dildos up his butt that would freak me out. I would be wondering what made him think he would enjoy that.

Fair enough.

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Originally Posted by Xrayman

first we were discussing sex toys, now we're talking about penises?

cheers!

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When I said penis I was referring to the dildo, that is what is simulates.

I think it is (as you said) that YOU have more of a problem with anal sex/penetration that YOU find it unappealing. Than the issue of what the OP has asked-that's okay, I understand that.

Best wishes!

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

When I said penis I was referring to the dildo, that is what is simulates.

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Not necessarily, a finger, candle or another suitable plastic object can stimulate the anus/prostate as well, this does NOT mean that he wants 'Bubba' to have rough anal sex forced upon him. It does not mean he wants receptive anal sex. It just means he likes things in his anus-plain and simple.

I have no problem with the man masterbating. People do that. I find it creepy for a man to want a toy up his butt.

Well, that's YOU.

Some people have more open minds and are more open to experimentation.

This conversation might be better off in another thread, though--one devoted to it--rather than usurping the original question.

Having the prostate stimulated is enjoyable to many men. I'm curious as to whether it is actually a dildo, or whether it is an anal plug.

I find the lack of trust and the evasion more disturbing than the dildo, honestly. Perhaps you could let him know what you've told us? That you don't mind him using it, that you don't want to know much about it--but that it's making you feel somewhat insecure, and could he please alleviate your fears?

I doubt that he is gay, honestly, but the two of you NEED to have some open and honest communication, and the sooner the better.

Hello.

I think you need to sit down with him and talk with him about his sexual needs. I said talk with him not at him so keep an open mind. If you trusted him before you found the toy then keep that trust until you know his side of the story. The toy doesn't make him Gay so relax and have that talk with him. Then and only then will you know how he feels and what you need to do.

Dennis777

Let me chime in here.

#1 relax... the most quick way to get him looking at other women is to be a prudish bore.

#2 Look at it as nothing more than something that feels good as was described by others.

#3 try to participate with him, indulge him, use the toys as you perform oral on him. Blow his mind. Have him participate in something you want to try that haven't done yet as a couple.



Let me take a guess... you refuse to let him have anal sex with you or do you complain it hurts and refuse to let him try a second time.

Perhaps if it was the latter he was trying to figure out how to learn to relax the sphincter so he could teach you.

My wife shortly after we were married said if I could teach her how to relax enough to do it anal we could, she didn't have a clue how to start. Well neither did I but I did it to learn how to do it and teach her, in the process I discovered as well, that damn this feels good.
That was many years ago, wife is real quick to ask for whatever strikes her fancy, and that's oral anal or vaginal, and yes little gets her hotter than he dildoing me while she blows me till I pop, then she straddles me face till I get her off at which point she usually collapses. I giver her what she wants as she does for me when I crave something specific.
We are a faithful couple, anything that we do together is fine and acceptable and not at all gay or weird. What's weird is a married couple that has sex once a month because all they will do is missionary because someone got in their head that's the only way acceptable to have sex.

Yeah, I think the question got off-topic for a little bit. While I don't consider myself a prude, I am not comfortable with the idea of anal sex. I don't feel it would do either one of us any good to participate in something that I don't want to. It was shocking to find he had packed a dildo (and, yes, it is a dildo, not a plug) to take to the gym . When I found it I asked what he had planned on doing with it, as I didn't think the gym shower would be a good place to pull it out. I'm not trying to make him feel bad, it's just the hiding and sneaking around. And after I found that I looked in his closet, and he has three.

OK, here is some of my pennies.
Talk to him right after you read this, because from what I have read this has been on your mind for a while now, and when you dwell on something you tend to blow it out of the water. If you are nervous about approaching him, think of it this way. How could you not approach him about it? He is your husband and you both aren't suppose to keep secrets from each other. Try to be diplomatic, and if he really does use them for anal use, then try saying something honest, or tell him something naughty that you like, and try to talk openly about it. Cause if there is no trust there is no relationship, bottom line.

Homegirl: You don't have a prostrate.
Badmama: He's probably hiding it where you're least likely to find it. Be open-minded. He aparently knows it's not your cup of tea. No harm done, right?

My guess is that your husband is embarrassed that he is pleasured by something that you find unpleasant or disapprove of. If you found three, and two of them were in the closet, they are for his use. It doesn't make him gay, it doesn't mean he wants to cheat on you. It's just the way he likes to masturbate.

I'm pretty sure this is quite difficult for him. He probably feels ashamed, even though he has no reason to feel that way. He's simply taking care of a sexual need that you do not fulfill, and he's doing it by himself.

I wouldn't fret about it, just be accepting.

If it were a woman, I'm sorry but it is so illogical to bring a dildo on a cheating date. Why would he not take the dildo and use it on his wife if that's what he's into?

Then if it were gay, why risk bringing a dildo with you if you are both men and both have a penis? Why after the endeavor would anyone bring it home after and not leave it at the location of the other fetish lover? Both of these scenarios seem to have a lot of risk involved, especially since you originally found it in a car.
It seems like a real pickle not being able to trust your husband but at the same time not wanting to know much about his sexual interests. It seems to me you have made it very clear that you want him to hide something from you. I can't really say that he definitely is not cheating on you, but I do see that he is respecting your wishes to not be included in that part of his life, and that he seems determined to keep it from you. If that was something I was into and it were me, I would be hoping that you were keeping this conversation limited to members of ask me help desk prior to discussing it with me. Trust is the foundation of any relationship.

What did he say when you asked him about the dildo you found in his bag?

When anal sex is done correctly, it is a pleasurable and mind-blowing experience. I for one do enjoy it. And so do a few very straight men that I know. They desire to surrender "control" to a woman with a strap-on. They would never allow a real penis to go near their nether regions, but pull out a toy, and...
I would still be worried that the man is cheating, just not in the traditional way. She needs to talk to him, non-confrontational, about what is going on. She then needs to find out what his needs are and communicate what her needs are, and try to find a solution. My girlfriend and I did that awhile back, and it prevented cheating, and opened up new avenues for the both of us to enjoy. Communication is the key here. It will break down the barriers of mistrust, and possibly create new pathways to enjoy one another.
Don't be afraid of any sexual thing. I used to hate anal sex too. But since I met an experienced partner, it's one of my favorite acts.

Its not just about control... you can have anal sex without control even being a factor. Like regular intercourse it can be done in such a way that either person has control or neither does.

Like I have said, I've exposed wife to different types of porn movies. She was reluctant or ashamed at first to admit freely what turned her on, but eventually she was comfortable enough understanding I did want to hear what turned her on or not. Among a few other types she was turned on by strap-on movies. Not the ones that have the woman on power trips or a dom/ sub type of thing. That does nothing for either of us. But this drives her literally nuts. And when a woman gets seriously turned on her vaginal area lips and all swells a noticeable amount (and there is no faking that), not to mention the obvious clues of her ripping off your clothes and screaming give it to me ( a normally very reserved and quiet woman). Well not those exact words but you get the idea. :D

Ok ladies we all have our opinions and turn ons and offs. Yes many men enjoy prostate stimulation and many times is compared to the ladies G-spot. There is many other ways other then using the rubber dongs. What if you were denied clitoral or G-spot action. Remember different strokes for different folks.