Ask Me Help Desk - The Man In Prison

The Man In Prison

I have been writing to a man in America for 3 months now, and I have seen pictures of him and have asked him every question I can think of. Only thing that worries me slightly is that he is in prison. He is a really nice person and is so loving in his letters, he is very passionate and well educated. He's 29. I am always daydreaming about him and what it would be like to meet him. I'm always fantasizing about him. Anyway in his last letter he said that he would like us to meet when he leaves prison! Am I being stupid by having these feelings and is it a bad idea to meet him?? Please help!

He is in prison for drug conspriacy and has been inside for 6years so far. I really like him!

He lives in America and I live in England

Run don't walk away from this guy. Unless you are really a sucker or a glutton for punishment. Many of these guys are con men and that's why they are in jail.

The chances of him being what he claims to be and what you seem to think he is, is extremely remote.

I only know him thro his letters but I want him so much!! Do you think it's wrong to have these feelings towards him?

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothy

Run don't walk away from this guy. Unless you are really a sucker or a glutton for punishment. Many of these guys are con men and thats why they are in jail.

The chances of him being what he claims to be and what you seem to think he is, is extremely remote.

Why or how would he con me?? He's not allowed to leave America so it's not like he is using me for a visa

How did you come in contact with this person?

My mother has had a "pen" pal with a convicted murderer for over 20 years. They met through a Christian outreach program. They have never had a romantic relationship - mostly they talk about Bible topics and family life (on her part) and prison life (on his part.) It is interesting to get his viewpoint on subjects such as current topics in the news, etc.

I will caution you that men that are incarcerated without the stimuli that got them in there in the first place are totally different than the man outside. I guess the same can be said for drug rehabs. The addicts can handle it as long as they don't have to rely solely on themselves to keep clean.

Use your head and don't be fooled by flattery or sweet words.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ImMissCurious

Why or how would he con me??? he's not allowed to leave America so it's not like he is using me for a visa

He's got years of time on his hands... he has coned people before.. and he's looking for a meal ticket when he gets out. Many of these guys pull this on many different women at the same time. Sucker you in then start asking for stuff like money etc.

Fact is he has already proven he has no respect for the law, or society. That's why he is in jail. He would have to prove why he isn't trying to con you first.

Fact is unless you like being taken advantage of find a man who is not in jail and has not been in jail. Doesn't matter where you live there are plenty of them around. More in fact than criminals like this one.

Fact is he is using you now... I can see it in your words. It's that clear.

Are you sending him money? My husbands niece was involved with a guy that went to prison, turns out he had many women sending him money while he was in prison. This included her, most of her money she earned went to him while she was living off mom and dad.

No I don't and never will send him money, all we do is write to each other and talk about pasts and what we want in the future etc... he has never asked anything like that from me.

I got in contact with him throw a pen pal service, his family had placed the add for him

I contacted him!

Well in general, I'd stay away from men who are prison, why not find one who's not in prison? Speed dating, online, you never know, and there's ALWAYS someone else out there somewhere. Well... after any man has been in prison for 6 years, they might want a woman to take care of their "needs." A place to live, start over in. You like him so much, but you've never met him in person? The others are right, there's a reason he's in jail and you have no idea whether he's going to con you or not. He SEEMS like a nice guy, but how do you really know?

In his last letter he said he would like to meet in the future when he leaves prison... so should I just ignore that and still keep writing or explain to him that it's not a good idea to meet up?

I'd just stop writing him... cold turkey. No excuses or anything. There are better guys out there with a far better moral compass.

I still want to write to him, but just not sure whether to talk about meeting when the subject comes up again. I really enjoy reading his letters and look forward to them coming every week. He has never said that he wants a relationship with me or anything of the sort, he just said that he would like to meet the person who writes to him (me) one day when he is released. We don't talk sexual and he never ask me for anything

You state that he is passionate - so I was presuming you had a relationship in mind. You also state that he is well educated. If you are basing that on what he has told you, you can't be sure. It's very similar to dealing with people in chat rooms. They can say they are anything to get your attention.

Be very careful.

But from your tone and words I see you are quite enamored with what he presents himself to be... which #1 is unlikely how he really is, and #2 makes you susceptible to being conned by him.

A truly nice guy would not be in jail, much less in jail for what he was doing.

I can say 99.99% most of what he has said about himself is untrue. And he does this with a number of women and the end game is to get you to send him money, and to get a kick out of playing you like he played his drug addict clients.

I meant passionate about the things he writes about, like his family and his future. I didn't mean passionate about me, we have never talked in that way to each other.

I can honestly say that if he ever asks me for money or relationship after just writing to him them I would stop the letters straight away.

I understand that he can write anything to impress me.

I really don't see how he can con me... I will never send money, he won't be allowed to leave America so it's not a visa he's after, give me an example of how he can con me so I can understand

After he has served his time there is no restriction keeping him from leaving the US, as long as he is not on parole.

Yes he will be on probation for a couple of years he told me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ImMissCurious

i really don't see how he can con me...i will never send money, he won't be allowed to leave America so it's not a visa he's after, give me an example of how he can con me so i can understand

He will, con artists sucker you to fall for them, then when they have you where they want you they have an "Emergency" and want to "Borrow" some money which of course you will never see again.

He has time... remember he plays several women at once. He sweet talks you and tries to say how he was set up... or how he has suddenly seen the light and eventually bam... he asks to borrow something. You won't be the first to be taken by a con man. You are being a sucker if you think he is so great. If he's so great what is he doing in jail for? And why can't you be bothered fonding a man who isn't in jail? There isn't a severe man shortage in the UK.

How do con artists sucker you... there are as many ways and come-ons as there are con men. And there are always plenty of people that fall for their deception.

smoothy do you think all men in prison are con men?

Hello Im:

Apparently, he does. However, I don't.

excon

For example... when he is a free man and he is still writing to me and is not in prison anymore then where is the con? Surely that would say that he is just interested in still writing to me and not conning me... give me examples so I can see your point of view

excon... was you ever in prison?

Quote:

Originally Posted by ImMissCurious

give me examples so i can see your point of view

Hello again, Miss:

In general, Smoothy's right. There are a LOT of really bad people in there. But, we're talking about an individual here, and generalizations make no sense. He MAY be a good guy, or he MAY not be. I don't know. I couldn't say - except that not ALL convicts are bad guys.

Keep writing to him, and relax. You don't have to make any long term commitments right now.

excon

Wait until he is out and emplyed see how he is on the outside when he is self supporting. Then you can tell if you would like to continue. A close family member went to prison and came out with what I call jail bird feaver. Unable to deal with life on the outside. Unable to function. Be careful you can be sucked into this very easily. We "my family" basically told him to shape up or ship out, he shaped up. But understand not all have this mentality and not all who have it realize it.

But your family member... was he "conning" people from the inside?

No, he was an older man, just conning other cons. But I would be very careful.. watch TV you can see dozens of cases on talk shows

I understand what you all are saying and I'm very grateful that you have my best interests at heart, but I feel I am not being conned by writing to him. I am expecting his next letter this week and I will carry on writing but if he does ask me in the future for money, relationship, visa etc, then I will stop all contact I will not be taken for a ride and I am not gulable.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ImMissCurious

smoothy do you think all men in prison are con men?

Most are... the vast majority are there because they chose to violate the law. Many have no respect for the law and most are extremely self centered and self serving. That's how and what lead to their actions that got them incarcerated.

If they respected the law and the property rights of others they would not have done what they did to get arrested. There are few truly innocent people in prison. The fact you are so quick to defend him tells me he already has you wrapped around his finger.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ImMissCurious

i understand what you all are saying and i'm very grateful that you have my best interests at heart, but i feel i am not being conned by writing to him. i am expecting his next letter this week and i will carry on writing but if he does ask me in the future for money, relationship, visa etc, then i will stop all contact i will not be taken for a ride and i am not gulable.

Sorry but I think your judgment is already been compromised by a smooth talking criminal ( after all he was convicted and as yet not paid for his actions yet as he has not completed his sentence). The fact you are so adamant that you feel a need or obligation to continue writing him tells me he already has you 1/2 way suckered into handing over money. Mark my words... you are already talking like this is the man for you, you have an emotional attraction to him and you are so set in your opinion he is really a good hearted misunderstood fellow and nobody else sees what you do.

Date local men who are not and have not been in jail or don't be surprised if one day you find yourself there for helping him. Harsh words but you are 1/2 way to being suckered by him. That's clear to most of us here, but you can't see it because he already conned you into believing in him.

Its your emotional attachment that I find dangerous. You are beyond a simple pen pal at this point. I only see you getting hurt in the end. Being a pen pal is one thing... having an emotional affair with someone incarcerated is another thing altogether, and I am highly against that, and trust me, you are there right now but just don't see it yet.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ImMissCurious

He is a really nice person and is so loving in his letters, he is very passionate and and well educated. He's 29. I am always daydreaming about him and what it would be like to meet him. I'm always fantasizing about him. Anyway in his last letter he said that he would like us to meet when he leaves prison! Am i being stupid by having these feelings and is it a bad idea to meet him??? please help!

i really like him!

I think that instead of worrying about the potential negative qualities of this guy who's in prison you need to be looking at what is it in YOURSELF that is attracting YOU to a guy you've never even MET before who obviously has SOME sort of character flaws?! You are entertaining thoughts of having a romantic relationship with someone you don't even know. Why not live in reality and meet someone in person? Why set yourself up and waste so much time for this "dream" man? Why not reach out to someone in your own city who doesn't have a criminal past? Don't YOU think YOU can do better?

"really NICE" people don't end up in prison for years. This is the ONLY crime he has committed hey? The real situation I BET, is this is the only crime he has been busted for.

I'm sorry, but move on and get yourself some self-respect and find a true lover with a real regard for you, rather than someone who wants to use you as the meal ticket out of the slammer.

I truly respect the compassion you are showing this guy, but I cannot agree with the crime he has been put in Gaol for, DRUGS! What about if your child/children died as a result of the drugs this guy was importing "conspiring" to import/export? How would you feel? Would you LOVE him? Would you consider him a "nice" guy? Still.

I believe in second chances-but criminals locked away for that period only know criminals-they are generally not studying to become MDs or other pillars of society, they spend a majority of time using each other and any other "helpful" people on the outside for selfish reasons.

Once again a lot of this is my opinion. As I have been a victim of crime-I don't accept excuses from many of these types-sorry. Perhaps Ex-Con may be able to assist/argue this with me, perhaps he may help you to get a little more of an objective response

Cheers, and for your sake, please take care and beware.

Yes now you are getting smarter, there are always good people out side the prison and I am sure you can find one, please be smart.

I STRONGLY AGREE WITH SMOOTHY... as you said by yourself you are always fantasizing about him... the picture you have in your mind about him is not true... wake up from your day dream before you pay for it...

Ms. Redrose

OK thanks people, very grateful for your answers. It is very unlikely that I will be going to America to meet him as he still has to serve another 2 years. I am happy with just writing to him. You guys have made me realize that everything he says I need to take with a pinch of salt, so I will do that. If he writes about wanting to meet again I will make it clear that I would not feel safe to do so.

Well done Misscurious! Take everything with a pinch of salt-I'd ask some more probing questions-like ever hurt anyone and how, and how many and why so many years for a "small" offence?

If he gets shaky-then there is more about him than meeets the eye.

Thanks Xrayman, in my last letter I did write and ask him if he'd ever been involved with anything else apart from drugs conspiracy... I'll find out in his next letter. He did explain to me that the reason he got so many years was that he was given the leader role by the judge (taken with a pinch of salt).

Perhhaps you could also ask-"just how does one conspire with drugs?" if he can't give you an elaborate and clever explanatioon of how he achieved this and how he "sucked others into it", then I'd say he' has got lots to hide...

Miss curious, if he's involved with drugs it's a lay-down misere he's hurt (possibly killed) anyone who was "on his territory" that's just how they are-unfeeling and violent. He has just not been busted for this-yet.

I'm really curious as to how this type would interest you-you must be a great woman who deserves some real physical as well as emotional attention from a FREE man.

Anyway-best wishes.

Misscurious, if you know the city & state he is from, give that department a call. I am sure they would be more than happy to let you know who/what you are dealing with. If you have his complete name you may even be able to do this yourself by logging on to the courts website in his area. It may not give you the court transcripts, but you could at least be able to see what all he has been cahrged with from the time he was 18. Of course that would depend if all of his crimes were in the same county. Good Luck and be careful

I agree with bushg. Although I'd be guarded, you shouldn't throw him aside if you have a lot in common. One MAJOR flag is violence. Violent offenders have a higher rate of criminal recidivism and are MUCH more likely to have psychopathic personalities (I'm using the correct definition of "psychopath" not the pop-psych/film definition).