My fiancée want me to do oral sex for him. I don’t like it when I am available but he want oral sex rather than make love to me. So, I didn’t do it and went to sleep. He went to another room masturbation with the pornography. I feel he is so sick! I don’t want to talk to him and let him touch me at all. Did my reaction is normal? Should I have open mind for that? Is it acceptable he do masturbate with the pornography even when I am available? :confused:

But you refused to give him satisfaction ! What did you expect him to do if he was already worked up. I don't know, some women think its actually cheating if their s/o masturbates with porno.

Sounds to be as if you were actually a little jealous and maybe hurt. You weren't available, so you say, and maybe if you had given in to him you and he could have had a good time without the porno.

It works both ways, its all give and take.

So you were available for sex, but didn't want to give him oral sex, correct?

When you told him you didn't want to give him oral sex, what did he say? Did he still want to have sex? You probably shouldn't have just gone to sleep.

If he was aroused, I'm sure he would have had sex with you. It has been explained to me that when a male gets aroused it can be quite painful if they don't get that "release". That could be why he masturbated.

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Originally Posted by nauticalstar420

So you were available for sex, but didnt want to give him oral sex, correct?

When you told him you didnt want to give him oral sex, what did he say? Did he still want to have sex? You probably shouldnt have just gone to sleep.

If he was aroused, i'm sure he would have had sex with you. It has been explained to me that when a male gets aroused it can be quite painful if they dont get that "release". That could be why he masturbated.

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I don't want give him oral sex of because every time he wait for me to give him oral sex before we have sex again, like alterate. If I don't give him oral sex he will perfered masturbate, even I am available.

I didn't tell him I don't want to give him oral sex, but I want him to know I'm available why don't you have sex with me instead of oral sex!

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Originally Posted by iamintrouble

I don't want give him oral sex of because every time he wait for me to give him oral sex before we have sex again, like alterate. If I don't give him oral sex he will perfered masturbate, even I am available.

I didn't tell him I don't want to give him oral sex, but I want him to know I'm available why don't you have sex with me instead of oral sex!

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If you didn't tell him then he doesn't know. It is always best to be upfront with your significant other.

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Originally Posted by nauticalstar420

If you didnt tell him then he doesnt know. It is always best to be upfront with your significant other.

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I understand that... we had this discussion before. I told him I don't like when he think oral sex is more important in our sex life than make love to me. He told me oral sex is more satisfy for him. And that's why he wait for me to give him oral sex all the time. He do know what I want since he talked before. He just doesn't want to make love to me (not completely satisfy for him).

Everyone has their own preferences. Sexual intercourse is not pleasurable for a lot of people, mainly women. This is a 50/50 situation, you give him 50, he'll give you 50, see what I mean?

Do I think you should have to do it every time you get intimate? No, of course not. Do you mind doing it, as long as its not all the time? Or are you completely against it no matter what?

If it is more satisfying for him to be intimate this way, I don't see anything wrong with it. He just has to understand that if you give, he has to give too.

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Originally Posted by nauticalstar420

Everyone has their own preferences. Sexual intercourse is not pleasurable for a lot of people, mainly women. This is a 50/50 situation, you give him 50, he'll give you 50, see what I mean?

Do I think you should have to do it every time you get intimate? No, of course not. Do you mind doing it, as long as its not all the time? Or are you completely against it no matter what?

If it is more satisfying for him to be intimate this way, I dont see anything wrong with it. He just has to understand that if you give, he has to give too.

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Well... he will have sex to me if I do it alturate. But I just don't like sometimes he like see porn (I hate porn!) and get him all excited before he comes to me. I feel like he wasn't make love to me and feel like I been used...

You may want to be a little bit more open minded about oral sex. Guys love it just as women love when a guy that knows what they are doing goes down on them. Like was mentioned you aren't expected to do it all the time.

I can't explain why he went to get off himself since you didn't really turn him away, you just said no to that act.

Perhaps its something he really wanted (or felt he needed at the moment) but only he knows that. I can say oral sex is a more stimulating act... however I can't say I've ever said its oral or nothing, or even anal or nothing.

Personally both of you need to think about what each of you did, I think you both share in this, its not just him or just you. Each of you decide its only what you want only the way you want it, only when you want it. That's not good.

He needs to do something about his selfishness (after all 2 people are involved, not just one), and you need to try to be a little bit more open minded as well. Or you will both have major issues if you get married before resolving them. They won't go away on their own.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

You may want to be a little bit more open minded about oral sex. Guys love it just as women love when a guy that knows what they are doing goes down on them. Like was mentioned you aren't expected to do it all the time.

I can't explain why he went to get off himself since you didn't really turn him away, you just said no to that act.

Perhaps its something he really wanted (or felt he needed at the moment) but only he knows that. I can say oral sex is a more stimulating act....however I can't say I've ever said its oral or nothing, or even anal or nothing.

Personally both of you need to think about what each of you did, I think you both share in this, its not just him or just you. Each of you decide its only what you want only the way you want it, only when you want it. Thats not good.

He needs to do something about his selfishness (after all 2 people are involved, not just one), and you need to try to be a little bit more open minded as well. Or you will both have major issues if you get married before resolving them. They won't go away on their own.

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Because he is lazy to do the work, and takes longer to finished what he wanted. So it is easy for him do it himself with porn.

Tell him next time that if he wants oral, so do you.

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Originally Posted by iamintrouble

Because he is lazy to do the work, and takes longer to finished what he wanted. So it is easy for him do it himself with porn.

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Still doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Spanking the monkey is not better than intercourse. And the amount of work either takes has nothing to do with it.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

Still doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Spanking the monkey is not better than intercourse. And the amount of work either takes has nothing to do with it.

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The whole reason for the masturbation was he asked her for oral, she didn't want to do it, so she just rolled over and went to sleep, calling the whole thing off. They didn't have intercourse either. In my opinion, what was he supposed to do?

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Originally Posted by nauticalstar420

The whole reason for the masturbation was he asked her for oral, she didnt want to do it, so she just rolled over and went to sleep, calling the whole thing off. They didnt have intercourse either. In my opinion, what was he supposed to do?

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She offered regular intercourse after turning down performing oral, but before rolling over to go asleep. Or at least that's what I read into her question. If she in fact said no then rolled over and went to sleep immediately then that changes things completely then could understand him going off to spank the monkey rather than suffering blue balls all night.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

She offered regular intercourse after turning down performing oral, but before rolling over to go asleep. Or at least that's what I read into her question. If she in fact said no then rolled over and went to sleep immediately then that changes things completely then could understand him going off to spank the monkey rather than suffering blue balls all night.

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I apologize, I was under the assumption that she just called the whole thing off and went to sleep :

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I don’t like it when I am available but he want oral sex rather than make love to me. So, I didn’t do it and went to sleep.

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That's why I didn't blame him for the masturbating. I think most guys would masturbate if they are aroused and not getting that "release".

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Originally Posted by smoothy

She offered regular intercourse after turning down performing oral, but before rolling over to go asleep. Or at least thats what I read into her question. If she in fact said no then rolled over and went to sleep immediately then that changes things completely then could understand him going off to spank the monkey rather than suffering blue balls all night.

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Sometimes he is lazy have sex with me instead of ask me for oral sex. Because intercourse takes time, like foreplay, kisses, etc. also, he says, he enjoy having sex with me, but oral sex is feel more fulfilled. After intercourse he might still want some more, but after oral sex he feel he is done!

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Originally Posted by nauticalstar420

I apologize, I was under the assumption that she just called the whole thing off and went to sleep :



Thats why I didnt blame him for the masturbating. I think most guys would masturbate if they are aroused and not getting that "release".

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I'll agree, lets see if she offered intercourse or just rolled over and went to sleep. The way its worded it could have been either way.

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Originally Posted by iamintrouble

sometimes he is lazy have sex with me instead of ask me for oral sex. because intercourse takes time, like foreplay, kisses, etc. also, he says, he enjoy having sex with me, but oral sex is feel more fulfilled. After intercourse he might still want some more, but after oral sex he feel he is done!

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He sounds like he is selfish in bed. You really need to talk with him and get all of this sorted out before you get married. These issues could become huge later on.

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Originally Posted by iamintrouble

sometimes he is lazy have sex with me instead of ask me for oral sex. because intercourse takes time, like foreplay, kisses, etc. also, he says, he enjoy having sex with me, but oral sex is feel more fulfilled. After intercourse he might still want some more, but after oral sex he feel he is done!

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What country are you from? And him? There might be a cultural issue at play here as well.

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Originally Posted by nauticalstar420

I apologize, I was under the assumption that she just called the whole thing off and went to sleep :



Thats why I didnt blame him for the masturbating. I think most guys would masturbate if they are aroused and not getting that "release".

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I don't blame him if he need masturbate to get if off. I just blame him that, he had choice, but he preferred masturbate with porn rather than have sex with me.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

What country are you from? And him? There might be a cultural issue at play here as well.

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I'm Asia, and he is from Holland, but he grown up here. I know this also apart of the issue too. He's always say I need to be open a bit more. He tried to convince me before to watch porn and tell me some women like porn and watch it with their guys too, but I just don't like it. We got a lot of agurment before because he keep downloading porn on his computer. Sometimes I feel he is not make love with me, he just use me for his fantasy to release (just my thought). Porn is just ruinng our relationship so much! He says, I just make big deal of it!

Well Holland is not a country where the culture is all about just what the man wants. Its about as progressive as any western nation. I know in many Muslim predominate nations its all about what the man wants and the woman has nothing to say, or little to say if anything.

Now there are exceptions anyplace, but I'll say this is more about him than a cultural thing. Not knowing which Asian nation you are in, as I know there is a great difference between them. Some far more open than others by culture. Most western nations hold mens as well as women's satisfaction in equal importance. There are always exceptions even here.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

Well Holland is not a country where the culture is all about just what the man wants. Its about as progressive as any western nation. I know in many Muslim predominate nations its all about what the man wants and the woman has nothing to say, or little to say if anything.

Now there are exceptions anyplace, but I'll say this is more about him than a cultural thing. Not knowing which Asian nation you are in, as I know there is a great difference between them. Some far more open than others by culture. Most western nations hold mens as well as womens satisfaction in equal importance. There are always exceptions even here.

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I agreed what you say. His father also like porn, and his mom told me she doesn't like it at all. But his mom know can't change his dad, so just let him for over 30 years's marriage. I think it from the gene! :o

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Originally Posted by iamintrouble

I agreed what you say. His father also like porn, and his mom told me she doesn't like it at all. But his mom know can't change his dad, so just let him for over 30 years's marriage. I think it from the gene! :o

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Which Asian country are you located in... we don't need to know the city. It will give us a better idea of where and under what version of morality you were both raised. As you said he was from Holland but raised in Asia, that can have some bearing on how he thinks more than where his parents were from.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

Which Asian country are you located in....we don't need to know the city. It will give us a better idea of where and under what version of morality you were both raised. As you said he was from Holland but raised in Asia, that can have some bearing on how he thinks more than where his parents were from.

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He was from Holland, raised in C.A, (not in Asia). I was originally from Hong Kong, also raised in Hong Kong.

OK, I can see your more conservative upbringing, not as much as some Asian countries but less than some others. C. A. I am not familiar with as an abbreviation. So still only have to guess what average community standards he grew up around are. Some women get overly paranoid about porn and say its an obsession when its not then spend hours shopping for clothes every day for days and see nothing wrong there.

That said Porn isn't his issue. I think its more about him being a bit egocentric and\or maybe selfish since he had to have oral or he had to masturbate. Speaking personally there have been some days wife didn't want one certain act but preferred something else, which I accommodated without problem. I will admit my wife is by no means against either oral or anal and likes both. That's makes it a little different, but the point I made is even though I was in the mood for lets say C she suggested A because B requires getting up and washing up again, I didn't have a fit and say I'll just do it myself. I did it however she had a preference for at the moment.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

OK, I can see your more conservative upbringing, not as much as some Asian countries but less than some others. C. A. I am not familiar with as an abbreviation. So still only have to guess what average community standards he grew up around are. Some women get overly paranoid about porn and say its an obsession when its not then spend hours shopping for clothes every day for days and see nothing wrong there.

That said Porn isn't his issue. I think its more about him being a bit egocentric and\or maybe selfish since he had to have oral or he had to masturbate. Speaking personally there have been some days wife didn't want one certain act but preferred something else, which I accommodated without problem. I will admit my wife is by no means against either oral or anal and likes both. Thats makes it a little different, but the point I made is even though I was in the mood for lets say C she suggested A because B requires getting up and washing up again, I didn't have a fit and say I'll just do it myself. I did it however she had a preference for at the moment.

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I'm sorry, I should make is a little bit more clear. C.A means California.

Maybe you don't see porn is a issue. But for my point of view. He keeping too much porn and in this case I feel a little freaking! At the past, he like to get excited by watching porn and come to me afterwards. I refused him few times and tell him I don't like you get excited from porn and come to me for release. Whatever he has chance he will go there, like when I went out or I am cooking in the kicthen, or I'm taking a shower, etc.

Would you mind if I ask what your wife says after you did it yourself without take care of what she wants?

Total case of "blue balls" if you are around and don't release... I'm sorry for saying that but I really don't know how it happens or what it is, that's just what people say it is...

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Originally Posted by bignaked101

total case of "blue balls" if you are around and dont release... im sorry for saying that but i really dont know how it happens or what it is, thats just what people say it is...

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Heee... guys always say this!:D

They do because it is a common case and it doesn't go away for like 2 days, makes me want to cry :(

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Originally Posted by bignaked101

"blue balls"

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They don't just say this, it is actually a true medical problem, not this particular terminology though.

Yeah, I don't really know the medical termanoligy for it... but that's term what my friends use lol...

I would just like to clarify this issue of "blue balls", it really is not a big problem and if your guy complains he is "afffected", then boohoo. What about for you women?

There is a soreness that may prevail, but really it's not such a big deal. Tell them to "fix" the problem and move on-some guys are a little "precious".

Cheers to you all.

He might have really been in the mood for oral that night. Let me ask you this, does he do it to you? If not, I can understand your position if he doesn't want to return the favor, but perhaps it wouldn't hurt to be a little more open to different forms of sex. It can be fun. Maybe you guys can visit a store with goodies and flavored things to make it more enjoyable.

Sounds to me like you feel he only wants you after he gets excited by porn. You don't feel it is YOU he wants but rather he has gotten all excited by something else and is using you to satisfy himself. Does that sound right? That doesn't feel like making love does it? I am willing to bet that you would be willing to perform oral on him if you felt more like it was him wanting you, to make love to you and that was just his preference to feel close to you. Right?

If that is true you do need to make sure he clearly understands what you are feeling. The you need to set clear boundaries with him. Tell him if he wants to look at porn that is his choice but that you will not allow him to come to you to be his little "porn star". Tell him you would prefer that he cut his porn viewing down to when you aren't around. Let him know that you just want to feel respected and that he is coming to you because it is you he wants to feel close to.

If he can't do that then I would really rethink your relationship. You aren't telling him no porn, you are simply asking to feel respected and wanted for you not the aftermath of watching something that has nothing to do with loving someone. If he isn't willing then that says just how selfish and self centered he is and maybe he isn't the person you should be with.

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Originally Posted by iamintrouble

I'm sorry, I should make is a little bit more clear. C.A means California.

maybe you don't see porn is a issue. But for my point of view. He keeping too much porn and in this case I feel a little freaking! At the past, he like to get excited by watching porn and come to me afterwards. I refused him few times and tell him I don't like you get excited from porn and come to me for release. Whatever he has chance he will go there, like when I went out or I am cooking in the kicthen, or I'm taking a shower, etc.

Would you mind if I ask what your wife says after you did it yourself without take care of what she wants?

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California in general is a pretty liberal place on the average. His mindset is not the prevailing one. Unless he grew up in a really repressive household it wasn't the environment that made him have that behavior

As far as me and my wife. I can honestly say the situation was never the same for us. I've never demanded it be a certain way and wife has never said go take care of yourself. And I have not gone to take care of myself after she didn't feel like doing one specific act the evening, there are three ways to get off with a woman without using hands, if one wasn't available at that moment the other two always were. As I said, marriage takes two people... you decide together which way you will do it, one doesn't demand the other do it their way if they are not in the mood to do it that way. As you told him you said no to oral but offered regular intercourse. He chose to go masturbate instead. I've never done that unless my wife was out of town. Therefore there was never a need for her to comment.

Okay yes, but if you get "blue balls" even after you get it, ejaculating doesn't fix it, its really complicated... but the issue hers not his... if she doesn't want to do it orally, then you should have told him vaginal oor none at all, and then there's your issue... solved... a man will take what he can get (don't take that offensively)

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Originally Posted by smoothy

California in general is a pretty liberal place on the average. His mindset is not the prevailing one. Unless he grew up in a really repressive household it wasn't the environment that made him have that behavior

As far as me and my wife. I can honestly say the situation was never the same for us. I've never demanded it be a certain way and wife has never said go take care of yourself. And I have not gone to take care of myself after she didn't feel like doing one specific act the evening, there are three ways to get off with a woman without using hands, if one wasn't available at that moment the other two always were. As I said, marriage takes two people...you decide together which way you will do it, one doesn't demand the other do it their way if they are not in the mood to do it that way. As you told him you said no to oral but offered regular intercourse. He chose to go masturbate instead. I've never done that unless my wife was out of town. Therefore there was never a need for her to comment.

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THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR ALL RESPONSE, APPRECIATE VERY MUCH!

He like to watch diffrence women's pornography with his hands. I know all about mental fantasy, feel like having sex with diffrence women, I guess. I know most men have this fantasy. But is it normal in general? Do you think this behavior is acceptable?

Every time I have agrument with him for the same topic. Last time he says, "All of the addiction, fantasy and perversion exists only in my mind. Your amateur psychological analysis is deconstructive." Is it my fault? Or I just need to open a little bit more?

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Originally Posted by tawnynkids

Sounds to me like you feel he only wants you after he gets excited by porn. You don't feel it is YOU he wants but rather he has gotten all excited by something else and is using you to satisfy himself. Does that sound right? That doesn't feel like making love does it? I am willing to bet that you would be willing to perform oral on him if you felt more like it was him wanting you, to make love to you and that was just his preference to feel close to you. Right?

If that is true you do need to make sure he clearly understands what you are feeling. The you need to set clear boundaries with him. Tell him if he wants to look at porn that is his choice but that you will not allow him to come to you to be his little "porn star". Tell him you would prefer that he cut his porn viewing down to when you aren't around. Let him know that you just want to feel respected and that he is coming to you because it is you he wants to feel close to.

If he can't do that then I would really rethink your relationship. You aren't telling him no porn, you are simply asking to feel respected and wanted for you not the aftermath of watching something that has nothing to do with loving someone. If he isn't willing then that says just how selfish and self centered he is and maybe he isn't the person you should be with.

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Basiclly, I agreed and correct what you say. We talked, I did what you said above. Only thing that he didn't keep promised that he watched porn again and come to me afterward. After I refused him, he get upset. He says, why I always think negative? And he says, All of the addiction, fantasy and perversion exists only in your mind. Your amateur psychological analysis is deconstructive. Am I really make a big deal of it?

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Originally Posted by iamintrouble

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR ALL RESPONSE, APPRECIATE VERY MUCH!

He like to watch diffrence women's pornography with his hands. I know all about mental fantasy, feel like having sex with diffrence women, I guess. I know most men have this fantasy. But is it normal in general? Do you think this behavior is acceptable?

Everytime I have agrument with him for the same topic. Last time he says, "All of the addiction, fantasy and perversion exists only in my mind. Your amateur psychological analysis is deconstructive." Is it my fault? Or I just need to open a little bit more?

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In my mind he is being quite selfish, and a bit immature. And I am a guy.

Now I do however see no problem with SOME porn. But like all things there are limits.

Would I like having sex with a lot of different women? I'd be lying if I said no. But the difference is its not a focal point for me, nor is it something I particularly intend to pursue.

Why? I know the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. Which for those who do not speak english as a first language. That American English idiom means I know that most likely the next woman is NOT likely to be better than the one I'm with, either personality wise or in bed. Therefore while I may say any particular woman might be great looking I know she most likely will not be better in bed or a more pleasant person to live with than the woman I married. I may have a share of differences with my wife as all couple will, but I also know I think we are a very good match in bed. Something many women likely will not be.