I've decided to write this as I'm sure there must be others out there who feel the same hurt and upset that I do:
I'm 32 year old and totally and utterly in love with my husband. We've only been married for 1 year.. I know he loves me too, but I have realised over the years with any partner that I have had, that men don't seem to have the same level of exclusive love for their partners. What I mean by this is that I have no interest in other men, at all! When I am happy with a partner, I literally only have eyes for him. Ok, I can see a good looking man and admire his beauty, but I do the same with women also. I don't have an urge to have sex with that man, or fantasise about him all day. I certainly don't ma over the memory of seeing him or picture him naked!
However, what I have discovered about men has hurt me very much in the past. For example, my ex partner used to ma to porn videos and magazines ALL the time. He became so bad that he could not have phyical sex with me, or if he could, he couldn't climax, because I was not the porn star that he was used to fantasizing about. He actually got to a stage where he did not want sex with me. He preferred his own hand unfortunately. & when we did have sex, even in the early days of our relationship, he always did it with his eyes closed & with very little emotion/romance towards me. He would concentrate on an image/fantasy. I know this, because I did get him to talk to me about it when I was still in love with me, because it hurt me so much at the time. That man has a lot to answer for in my eyes, because I believe that he has made me have pretty low self esteem and paranoia about stuff like this. I was with him for 10 years, from being 18 to 28. I am very attractive, intelligent, had a perfect body with DD size chest (sorry I'm not meaning to sound big headed here) Therefore, I was very attractive to look at, and often men would comment on me and try to chat me up (but as I was in love with my ex, I had no interest in any other man). His friends even told him that they masturbate over fantasies about me! I found this disgusting, as I was best friends with their girlfriends. I had a child to this man too, and it was after I had my son, that I realised that I did not want the sexless life/lack of intimacy/lack of romance that this man offered. I ended the relationship when my son was just 2 years old. It was a very difficult decision to make and it devastated my ex. & guess what, all of a sudden (when he realised I had had enough and that he was losing me [well, he'd actually lost me]) he started to come on to me. By this stage, I had fallen out of love with him and therefore could not bring myself to have sex with him. Although I see this as being his fault, (he had plenty of opportunities to change his ways but he was just addicted to porn) Let me give you one example. This is something that happened quite often: I would come on to him in bed. He would refuse most of the time, but now & again he would feel that its part of his 'duty' to me and would give in.. He would take ages to getan erection. He would then turn me over & we'd start having sex. I'd Orgasm after about 10/15 minutes. After about another 10/15 minutes he would get a bit angry & say something like 'I can't concentrate' 'I can't come'. He'd then give up. The next morning, either before I have got up or after I have left for work, he would get his porn vids out & masturbate!
Men, this is not normal and it is destructive to a loving relationship. If you love your partner, don't do this!
Now almost 5 years later I am married to an amazing man. But unfortunately we have had problems of a similar nature in the past. In fact, the problems I had with my husband were worse than with my ex. Early in the relationship, he had looked at a bit of porn, looked up a few topless models etc on the internet. Nothing too concerning, and once I let him know that I don't like that kind of thing, he agreed to stop, and to be fair to him he did stop. My problem with this kind of stuff is that men are looking at this stuff to enable them to masturbate to it. My thoughts on this are that he did not need to do this to himself, as I was readily available for sex anytime he wanted it. I have never turned him down, because I love being intimate with him. However, My husband overstepped the mark (he was my boyfriend at the time) – he bumped into a girl that he had had a one night stand with before we met, when we were about 1 year into our relationship. They texted each other for about 8 months on & off, and I discovered that some of the texts were explicit and they had both masturbate to them. I didn't discover this until we had been married for 5 months, and by then it had been over for almost a year. (we moved very quickly in our relationship – we moved in together after 4 months, got engaged after 1 year and got married after 2 years of being together [which means that he was texting her during the year that we were planning our wedding]). Whilst this was going on, I knew something was wrong. He often turned me down for sex, couldn't get or hold an erection and was very restless during his sleep. However, I had no idea exactly what was going on. I just assumed that he had been masturbate more (which hurt me to think of anyway). What he did hurt me VERY much. So much that I had a miscarriage (I had just found out that I was pregnant when I discovered what had gone on.). I felt extremely betrayed an hurt, especially because my husband knew what my ex had put me through. I took some comfort in the fact that he had not met up with this girl during their texts. She seemed more keen than him, and he could have taken it further if he really wanted to. But fortunately, he did not cross that barrier. He was also distraught when I found out. He was ashamed, would never do it again, would make everything perfect etc etc. I chose to give him another chance, because I really do love him so much. & he is different to my ex in that he is very affectionate in love making and on a normal day to day basis. He is definitely with 'me' when we are making love. However, what he did has scarred me unfortunately and now I am paranoid & quite controlling towards him.
I have asked him not to be unfaithful to me ever again, and not to masturbate. The reason I have asked him not to masturbate is because I am not daft – I know that when men do it they do not do it to fantasies of their wives. They do it to porn, lads mags, memories of other women or fantasies about someone they find sexy. I truly believe that if a man who is in a committed & loving relationship to someone who does not turn them down for sex, he should not masturbate. I think that if he does it he is de-sensitising himself for the real thing. He is also taking away his drive for the real thing. For example, if he has masturbated earlier that day to the fantasy of a perfect woman, he is probably not going to want to make love to his wife later on that evening. This is taking away the intimacy and love between the couple. It is also very hurtful for the woman to be in this situation. Trust me!
On the other hand – if a man is with a woman who does not have any interest in sex, then I can TOTALLY understand why he would take care of himself. This poor man might even do it to fantasies about his wife!
When I was at my lowest, I was looking for help and advice on the net and I found lots of discussions where women have been in a similar position that I was in with my ex. Where the women were constantly turned down for sex by their partner, only to discover that he was masturbating to porn instead.
So, I've asked my husband not to do it anymore, and he has said that he won't. I have to trust him now, and there is no way that I can know whether he still masturbates. He knows that I will have sex with him anytime he wants it. We do have a great sex life – I dress up for him, have anal now & again, love giving him Oral.
I have given him some suggestions to help him in trying to steer clear of the urge to masturbate. I can understand how a man might feel the urge if he stares at a sexy pic of a naked model or scantily clad woman walking down the street. Therefore, I have suggested he doesn't look at her in that way. I suggest simply noticing that the woman is attractive, and then move on with your daily business. That way, you won't give in to the urge to Orgasm. Also, if he saves up his urges until he gets home to me, and then releases all of the energy that has built up into making love to me, then it will make our sex life even better. One last thing I have said to him is that he be 100% in the moment when making love to me, so that he is looking at me & my body when he climaxes – that way he is programming his brain to associate me & my body with the amazing feeling of orgasm.
What are your thoughts on this? Do you think it is too much to ask? I think that it is the recipe for a loving, devoted, respectfully and faithful relationship.
I'd love to hear from women who feel the same way that I do about masturbation during relationships. I'd love to hear from men too. What are your thoughts on this? Has your wife asked you not to masturbate? Have you promised your partner that you won't masturbate and do you keep your promise?
Thank you for reading.
