He called and came by today. He needed clean things... I allowed him to come back here to get them... on the phone though he told me that he didn't want to end the relationship with me but wanted to get back to where he was when we first met. His own place blah blah blah... when he came here he began the you said this and you said that game... I stopped him and said is that why you came here? I refuse to talk about the past until we can have time to do that. In other words don't talk just get what you came to get. He left here telling me he loved me and the last words he said to me was "Be good"... ok... what in the hell does that mean? BE GOOD? So in response I said the same thing to him... not sure why just reaction. I think it went rather well... he told me he couldn't talk tonight but that we need too and I asked him when... He wasn't sure... but he asked to take the dog with him so... help. I don't want to get to caught up in this I want to very much take it slow

He wants his control back and you are going to give it to him. If he could take the dog he could take all his stuff.

If you don't get rid of his stuff... and cut off ALL contact then he will continue to manipulate you.

True... I must admit though it was nice seeing him. I seen him the way I wanted to not the way he is. Weird. I think this is going to be a tough road. He said he didn't want the relationship to be over... he loves me... but I sense something is hiding behind all that. Telling me to be good. Meaning what really... I know your saying it's a form of control... but seriously... I have been good... good for the last 5 years... grrr!

You are being manipulated, and need to tell him point blank to get all of his stuff, and stop all the contact with him. He leaves a door open to come back, and keep control, and your allowing it.

Can't you see your only prolonging the misery and pain this way? I think its false hope that your reluctant to do what's necessary for your peace of mind. Either get busy, and do what you should be doing, or stop complaining of the confusion, and drama he causes you.

Its not about what he is doing, or thinking, but what YOU do that matters here.

Hate to be harsh, but get your act together, and put an end to this frustration. You can do this.

I agree and I am trying to do what I NEED here. I don't think of this as complaining. These things are indeed happening to me. I have decided that I will do what I NEED to do... thats the only way I can get through this. He was a huge part of my life for 5 years... this isn't going to go away overnight. Trust me when I say that I know what I need to do I am just having a hard time.

As long as YOU allow him some part of your life, then YOU will be the one at fault. You took the first step of getting him out of your life so you can move on... taking two steps back by allowing him back in and to control YOUR life is going to prolong your discomfort. Tapering off is rarely ever a good way to wean yourself off a bad habit. Cold turkey is the fastest way to get past something.

You can choose a lot of discomfort for a short period. Or suffer some discomfort for what could be forever. Your choice. Get it over with or drag it on for way too long.

Or... to rephrase Smoothy--

Just rip the bandaid off. It always stings MORE that way, but for a LOT less time than trying to inch it off.

This is over for us. He had called Sunday night and went on and on about how he couldn't live with my behavior anymore. The fights we got into years ago he can't live down. He told me that point blank. I however tried to tell him the things I couldn't live down and was told "Go ahead say what you have to say to cover up wht you have done". I had no intentions of covering up what I have done 2 years ago. I thought I was forgiven and told him so. I told him I had moved on from that and he couldn't ever let it go. That was a big issue too. And his drugs. That was the other. I told him that well I see what it is that you don't want so you need to come get your things and get them out of here. He refused by saying he had no where to put them. Fine it will be handled. His things will be in the garage full of his stuff anyway. He can take it from there or this summer there will be a huge rummage sale.

So what do you think lovergirl. Does this phone call seem like the rest, or was this the one that has turned the tide.

Can you see your life without him now, and how are you going to manage if he changes his mind and comes back.

Might be a good idea to start planning, and focus on what you can do, instead of what you cannot.

Are you getting used to the idea that you are indeed, going to be strong and independent?

This phone call was terrible I believe. Blaming and not accepting his own wrongs. I have come to the realization that I can live with out him and move on. And if he in fact does change his mind at some point there are true boundries that will be in place before he is allowed to cross the threshold of this loving home.

I can be without him and be independent. I have to let go of something's myself. His calls are short and cordial for the most part. He took the family dog for a visit with him and I had called him to bring her back. I do still miss him but that too will come with this time I am taking to find myself.
My online classes started yesterday and I will be well involved in that for the next 8 weeks. So that does help.

Don't give him until summer to get the stuff... give him 3 days then throw it out. Donate it to charity (for the tax deduction)... havae a rummage sale. Whatever. But if HE wants it he gets it now or it goes bye-bye.

And at that point you no longer call him, talk to him... or have anything further to do with him. Period, end of story.

If you do anything further with him then at this point its your fault not his. He may be a jerk, but you know this, and know better, and allow it. Oh if you do have contact it is your fault. You could not call him, or refuse to talk to him.

What I had meant by that was that he will have only a short amount of time to get his things. And then when summer comes I will get rid of it by having a rummage sale. After the offer was given for him to get his things and he doesn't comply the items belong to me. Possession is 9/10ths of the law... so I keep hearing. I will see fit to make a dime or two if I can... I will need this money to help with my living expenses and care for my children. He lives with his cousin on a farm I am sure there are places he can store his things there rather than leaving them here to maintain his control.

OK, it was important to clarify that. I'll agree with what you said. You decide if a rummage sale will get you more than a tax writeoff on a charitible donation. But unless you itemize your taxes the rummage sale might be your best bet. If you itemized the tax writeoff might be bigger.

You have to completely sever communications to him if you are going to get past this any time soon.

I agree and I am trying. Trust me when I say this. When he calls I am short and try to end the call as quickly as possible. Depending on the reason. I am trying hard not to even answer the phone when he calls. Sometimes this is hard because the kids tend to answer the phone. I have told my oldest that if he calls I am not here or ask to take a message.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by lovergirl247

This phone call was terrible I believe. Blaming and not accepting his own wrongs. I have come to the realization that I can live with out him and move on...

I can be without him and be independent. I have to let go of somethings myself. His calls are short and cordial for the most part. ... I do still miss him but that too will come with this time I am taking to find myself.

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Well, add me to your "cheerleader" list. Not much of substance to offer, other than I'm glad you are doing what must be done, and you realize how strong you really are.

Sorry you are in this place, but I know you will not stay in this place, as your will is too strong and determined.

Go you.

*shakes pom poms*

OK small drawback here. This one was not at all my fault. I was awoken this morning about 1 am... The ex was waking me up... to tell me he brought the family dog back. I had no idea at this time what time it really was. He stated that he tried to call first. I was groggy and still half asleep when he did this. I had really no time to react. He left saying he loved us and that he would talk to me tomorrow. I am upset at the hour it was and that he tried calling a half hour before he showed up. I was sleeping... so were my children. Did he honestly expect that someone here would have answered the phone at that hour... let alone be up and about at 1 am when he showed up. I am a bit upset about this.

How the HELL did he get INTO your house at that hour?

Get the locks changed today.

I actually leave the doors unlocked. I have always been like this. I just don't understand how he can think that its OK to just show up when ever he feels like it. He loves us but can't change? He loves me and can't be with me? He loves me and can barge in when he feels like it? What the heck.

He thinks he can do it because he DID do it.

If the doors had been locked, he wouldn't have been able to.

You NEED to lock the doors. He needs to know that he is NOT allowed to walk in whenever he feels like it.

Regardless... if they were locked or not he would have persisted with the knocking. I can't know what he is thinking... but from a guys point of view what may be going on in his head?