It seems to be a good day. My heart isn't bleeding so much it seems. Thank you so much for your support through all of this.Quote:
Originally Posted by smoothy
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It seems to be a good day. My heart isn't bleeding so much it seems. Thank you so much for your support through all of this.Quote:
Originally Posted by smoothy
Just remember, keep moving forward... not backward. Eventually you will find your way out of the forest.Quote:
Originally Posted by lovergirl247
There was contact today for about 1minute. I had called after not hearing from him for over a week. He was busy and said he would call back. That was almost three hours ago and still no word. He has still made no attempt in getting his things. He won't call and I am tired of waiting for him. What should I do now?
Call his friend, make arrangements to drop off his things, and do it.
You said local law enforcement says you can throw it out.
I'd do what Synen said first. If ALL of the stuff is not picked up by the date and time YOU give. (Don't give more than a couple days) then put everything you don't want out with the trash. And with that, STOP calling him.
I understand that and I am willing to go that route when the time comes. What I am not understanding is why isn't he talking to me? We were together for 5 years and I can't imagine what is going through his head. Did the last 5 years mean absolutely nothing to him?
I told his brother on the phone last night just about everything. His family never really believed me. This time I was told that the brother didn't blame me at all for what I did. And that his brother is nothing but a liar. He didn't really know what to say to me I was crying in his ear. All he could say was that but he did recognize all that I have tried to do to keep the relationship going. Mike (boyfriend) was the one that really messed it up.
So why isn't the boyfriend calling me?
I really hate to be this blunt but, he's really not that in to you. He isn't talking to you because he only cares about himself. It's easier for him not to talk to you. He doesn't have to answer any of your "why are you doing this to me" questions. Apparently the last 5 years were not as meaningful to him as it was for you. It is nice that the brother understands your side, but the bottom line is, it doesn't really matter. Please stop asking yourself why, why, why. The "why" doesn't matter. What matters is that you get this whole relationship behind you and start a new exciting chapter in your life.Quote:
Originally Posted by lovergirl247
Take his stuff to his brothers house and say good riddance.
Given his actions, the coward is to ashamed to face you. Get rid of his stuff, and say good riddance.
Maybe because of her indecisiveness he's the one that is benefiting here. He knows a few words ever couple of weeks will keep her waiting. By her own admission, if he shows he is sincere, she'll take him back because she loves him.
He's got a good thing going here. As long as he thinks there is an option to resume the relationship, it benefits him to keep up the façade.
I don't know what possible advice could possibly be given until either a decision is made to end the relationship, or wait for him to come home.
Considering too that history has already repeated itself, I'm not betting on a separation.
I'm sad for you lovergirl, I do think your compassion and patience are being wasted with this man, and I hope that you do find the courage to move on.
You are all right. I have given up on waiting for him to come around. I will make an effort this coming weekend to remove some of his belongings and get a hold of his brother to take them to him. I told my friends that he and I have in common that no matter how much I plead or beg to know if they have talked to him or if he says anything not to tell me.
Its really only been 19 days since the incident happened. I don't mean that much to him at all and I am honestly beginning to realize that. I am finding things to do with my time and not sit here waiting and hoping. I gave everything I had in this relationship and I am taking some things back for myself. My kids are benefitting from this as well. I am more in tune with them and less concerned about him. It would be nice to know that he wants to come home but I am not holding my breath anymore. His friends get more attention now than I did in the 5 years I was with him... He is selfish and only thinks of himself. But I refuse to have his things here and I have given him enough chances to get it gone. Its still hard but its easier each day that passes by... especially when I don't speak to him those are the good days. Thank you again for all of the support you have given me.
Its his way to play his control games... I.E. he is willing to talk to you only on HIS terms. He gets his stuff on HIS terms... basically its more of the same thing he's always done by your words here.Quote:
Originally Posted by lovergirl247
As far as his friends behaviour... I'm guessing ex-boyfriend has a hand in that. Call his friend... give say three days to pick the stuff up or its getting trashed... then do it. Don't wait for a return call. It's a stalling tactic.
I have been advised with so many different things that I am confused as to what to really do. Some are saying that after 30days its considered mine... I am thinking its 30days since I first stated he needed to get it out of here.
I still have not heard from him. I know he is selfish and playing a hell of a game with me here. I am about ready to snap. I am accepting the break up just not accepting the way he is going about all this. I know it meant something to me being with him for this long. How in the world can he treat me this way and feel good about it?
Well, follow the guidelines the Autorities told you. They will know your local laws. Many places anything left behind when someone moves out is considered abandoned property.
If the Cops said you can toss it then 3 days notice to get the rest is being generous.
In the situation you mention, the 30 days would start counting at the point he was first notified to leave.
Look at it this way... he's always been this way... only now you are able to see him for what he is. Love has a way of blinding people to what's obvious to others. You aren't the first, and certainly won't be the last to fall vicitim to "Love is Blind".
Quote:
Originally Posted by smoothy
You have already solved the questions as to what you can do with his stuff, per your own contact with the local law enforcement.
If you need to call them again to reassure yourself, do so.
Try to focus on one thing at a time. Probably a good start, is getting his stuff out. You'll have plenty of time to ponder the 'why's' of his behaviour, after you have clearly established some space and independence from him.
Tim
Your right... I just need to take one thing at a time. The only avenue of conversation that I have to get the word out are my friends... and I don't rely on them either to say anything. I am hoping to start getting things boxed up and at least out of the rooms this weekend. It just disgusts me that I have to do all of it... feels as though it's a waste of my time and energy to do something for him so to speak. He coulnd't do for himself while living here... its his game plan winning again this go round
Nobody said you had tp box things neatly. Just get some boxes and start throwing stuff in. Stack it all together somewhere out of your way.
You keep coming back to how could he do this to me? He can do it because he is a total jerk, and jerks don't play nicely. It's not like he used to be Mr. nice guy, that was respectful of you, your kids, and your home. He is not behaving out of character. He has been a selfish sorry son of a b!@#$ for a long time. You were not important to him before. Why would he suddenly turn around and break up with you in a classy manner?
Your right cozyk. I shouldn't expect anything other than what's been happening. For me to even think he might have a decent bone in his body was me actually lying to myself. After all I have done and been through. I should not even for a minute think about what his feelings are and why. It's a reality that I wasn't willing to accept. I let him treat me this way I let it get to me and I have the upper hand. I need to act and stop wondering.
You should try one more time to talk to him if that does not work just find a new man and have babies with him and leave him to cry cause that is what he left you to do
I think it is quite natural that you are going to visit and re-visit the past, to try to make some sense of how this all happened, and why. You will need to see it with a clear head though, and that will take a lot of time in itself.
Sometimes the confusion gets even worse because it's easy to remember the good, and downplay the bad, especially when you don't want to, or are hesitant to see things the way they really are.
You'll have good days and bad days, but for now, it's important that you start taking steps, and even if they're little ones, the next ones will be easier.
Maybe pack his things up over three days. Make a list. Do one chunk at a time. That way it will get done, but may not seem so overwhelming.
If the local authorities say you can toss it then the fact you are giving him say 3 days to get it out is purely a courtesy you are not required to offer.
If he disrespects that throw it all in boxes and set them out for the trash. No it doesn't have to be done neatly for the trash.
Don't let him control you through this. I think that's why he's doing this, to exert whatever control he can by dragging this out thinking he can do it as long as he still has stuff there.
Don't give him that control.
He called and came by today. He needed clean things... I allowed him to come back here to get them... on the phone though he told me that he didn't want to end the relationship with me but wanted to get back to where he was when we first met. His own place blah blah blah... when he came here he began the you said this and you said that game... I stopped him and said is that why you came here? I refuse to talk about the past until we can have time to do that. In other words don't talk just get what you came to get. He left here telling me he loved me and the last words he said to me was "Be good"... ok... what in the hell does that mean? BE GOOD? So in response I said the same thing to him... not sure why just reaction. I think it went rather well... he told me he couldn't talk tonight but that we need too and I asked him when... He wasn't sure... but he asked to take the dog with him so... help. I don't want to get to caught up in this I want to very much take it slow
He wants his control back and you are going to give it to him. If he could take the dog he could take all his stuff.
If you don't get rid of his stuff... and cut off ALL contact then he will continue to manipulate you.
True... I must admit though it was nice seeing him. I seen him the way I wanted to not the way he is. Weird. I think this is going to be a tough road. He said he didn't want the relationship to be over... he loves me... but I sense something is hiding behind all that. Telling me to be good. Meaning what really... I know your saying it's a form of control... but seriously... I have been good... good for the last 5 years... grrr!
You are being manipulated, and need to tell him point blank to get all of his stuff, and stop all the contact with him. He leaves a door open to come back, and keep control, and your allowing it.
Can't you see your only prolonging the misery and pain this way? I think its false hope that your reluctant to do what's necessary for your peace of mind. Either get busy, and do what you should be doing, or stop complaining of the confusion, and drama he causes you.
Its not about what he is doing, or thinking, but what YOU do that matters here.
Hate to be harsh, but get your act together, and put an end to this frustration. You can do this.
I agree and I am trying to do what I NEED here. I don't think of this as complaining. These things are indeed happening to me. I have decided that I will do what I NEED to do... thats the only way I can get through this. He was a huge part of my life for 5 years... this isn't going to go away overnight. Trust me when I say that I know what I need to do I am just having a hard time.
As long as YOU allow him some part of your life, then YOU will be the one at fault. You took the first step of getting him out of your life so you can move on... taking two steps back by allowing him back in and to control YOUR life is going to prolong your discomfort. Tapering off is rarely ever a good way to wean yourself off a bad habit. Cold turkey is the fastest way to get past something.
You can choose a lot of discomfort for a short period. Or suffer some discomfort for what could be forever. Your choice. Get it over with or drag it on for way too long.
Or... to rephrase Smoothy--
Just rip the bandaid off. It always stings MORE that way, but for a LOT less time than trying to inch it off.
This is over for us. He had called Sunday night and went on and on about how he couldn't live with my behavior anymore. The fights we got into years ago he can't live down. He told me that point blank. I however tried to tell him the things I couldn't live down and was told "Go ahead say what you have to say to cover up wht you have done". I had no intentions of covering up what I have done 2 years ago. I thought I was forgiven and told him so. I told him I had moved on from that and he couldn't ever let it go. That was a big issue too. And his drugs. That was the other. I told him that well I see what it is that you don't want so you need to come get your things and get them out of here. He refused by saying he had no where to put them. Fine it will be handled. His things will be in the garage full of his stuff anyway. He can take it from there or this summer there will be a huge rummage sale.
So what do you think lovergirl. Does this phone call seem like the rest, or was this the one that has turned the tide.
Can you see your life without him now, and how are you going to manage if he changes his mind and comes back.
Might be a good idea to start planning, and focus on what you can do, instead of what you cannot.
Are you getting used to the idea that you are indeed, going to be strong and independent?
This phone call was terrible I believe. Blaming and not accepting his own wrongs. I have come to the realization that I can live with out him and move on. And if he in fact does change his mind at some point there are true boundries that will be in place before he is allowed to cross the threshold of this loving home.
I can be without him and be independent. I have to let go of something's myself. His calls are short and cordial for the most part. He took the family dog for a visit with him and I had called him to bring her back. I do still miss him but that too will come with this time I am taking to find myself.
My online classes started yesterday and I will be well involved in that for the next 8 weeks. So that does help.
Don't give him until summer to get the stuff... give him 3 days then throw it out. Donate it to charity (for the tax deduction)... havae a rummage sale. Whatever. But if HE wants it he gets it now or it goes bye-bye.
And at that point you no longer call him, talk to him... or have anything further to do with him. Period, end of story.
If you do anything further with him then at this point its your fault not his. He may be a jerk, but you know this, and know better, and allow it. Oh if you do have contact it is your fault. You could not call him, or refuse to talk to him.
What I had meant by that was that he will have only a short amount of time to get his things. And then when summer comes I will get rid of it by having a rummage sale. After the offer was given for him to get his things and he doesn't comply the items belong to me. Possession is 9/10ths of the law... so I keep hearing. I will see fit to make a dime or two if I can... I will need this money to help with my living expenses and care for my children. He lives with his cousin on a farm I am sure there are places he can store his things there rather than leaving them here to maintain his control.
OK, it was important to clarify that. I'll agree with what you said. You decide if a rummage sale will get you more than a tax writeoff on a charitible donation. But unless you itemize your taxes the rummage sale might be your best bet. If you itemized the tax writeoff might be bigger.
You have to completely sever communications to him if you are going to get past this any time soon.
I agree and I am trying. Trust me when I say this. When he calls I am short and try to end the call as quickly as possible. Depending on the reason. I am trying hard not to even answer the phone when he calls. Sometimes this is hard because the kids tend to answer the phone. I have told my oldest that if he calls I am not here or ask to take a message.
Well, add me to your "cheerleader" list. Not much of substance to offer, other than I'm glad you are doing what must be done, and you realize how strong you really are.Quote:
Originally Posted by lovergirl247
Sorry you are in this place, but I know you will not stay in this place, as your will is too strong and determined.
Go you.
*shakes pom poms*
OK small drawback here. This one was not at all my fault. I was awoken this morning about 1 am... The ex was waking me up... to tell me he brought the family dog back. I had no idea at this time what time it really was. He stated that he tried to call first. I was groggy and still half asleep when he did this. I had really no time to react. He left saying he loved us and that he would talk to me tomorrow. I am upset at the hour it was and that he tried calling a half hour before he showed up. I was sleeping... so were my children. Did he honestly expect that someone here would have answered the phone at that hour... let alone be up and about at 1 am when he showed up. I am a bit upset about this.
How the HELL did he get INTO your house at that hour?
Get the locks changed today.
I actually leave the doors unlocked. I have always been like this. I just don't understand how he can think that its OK to just show up when ever he feels like it. He loves us but can't change? He loves me and can't be with me? He loves me and can barge in when he feels like it? What the heck.
He thinks he can do it because he DID do it.
If the doors had been locked, he wouldn't have been able to.
You NEED to lock the doors. He needs to know that he is NOT allowed to walk in whenever he feels like it.
Regardless... if they were locked or not he would have persisted with the knocking. I can't know what he is thinking... but from a guys point of view what may be going on in his head?
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