Ask Me Help Desk - I'm married and in love with my ex-boyfriend

No no no no no HOLD UP. This guy, Brendon, and myself knew each other in school and were good friends then. He joined the Navy and I kept in touch with him. Then he met this girl, katelyn, and proposed to her and they got married. I did not talk to him for a year or so. Him and katelyn were having problems, he left her, and got in touch with me. We were half way across the country from each other so nothing physical happened but we did have plans to get together as soon as they were divorced. That was in November, and he planned on filing for divorce that Dec. Well the first week of Dec katelyn found out that she was pregnant, and Brendon had the obligation to stay with her. I was crushed and hysterical but about 6 months later I got together with my now fiancé. Brendon and I tried to keep our friendship through emails but realized it was far too complicated because we had too strong of feelings for each other. He did try to get in touch with me before the baby was born because Katelyn was up to her old stunts and he was being smothered and wanted out. Now, I do not respect Katelyn. She is a horrible, evil person and she does not deserve to be with someone as great as Brendon. But it is not my fault that he married her and I cannot be his escape from reality whenever he starts feeling miserable. It is hard for me to stand back and watch her live the life I wanted, but there is nothing I can do about it now. And, my boyfriend is 10x better than Brendon ever could have been. He works so hard for our family and loves me and our son, and I truly love and appreciate him.

You said you wanted to stop seeing this ex of yours, correct? The first step is to change your number, which you said that you were doing. Good first step. If he is still finding ways to get in touch with you, then you need to threaten him by promising to tell his wife. If you really wanted to stop seeing him, you would tell the wife. Good men are hard to come by, it sounds like you managed to find one... Don't let him go and STOP CHEATING. I'm very sorry that he called you names. I know that is a very difficult time and you feel so self conscious... But remember, he is a MAN and he says and does stupid things that he doesn't mean. That is not grounds for sleeping around behind his back.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brooke8565

No no no no no HOLD UP. This guy, Brendon, and myself knew eachother in school and were good friends then. He joined the Navy and I kept in touch with him. Then he met this girl, katelyn, and proposed to her and they got married. I did not talk to him for a year or so. Him and katelyn were having problems, he left her, and got in touch with me. We were half way across the country from eachother so nothing physical happened but we did have plans to get together as soon as they were divorced. That was in November, and he planned on filing for divorce that Dec. Well the first week of Dec katelyn found out that she was pregnant, and Brendon had the obligation to stay with her. I was crushed and hysterical but about 6 months later I got together with my now fiance. Brendon and I tried to keep our friendship through emails but realized it was far too complicated because we had too strong of feelings for eachother. He did try to get in touch with me before the baby was born because Katelyn was up to her old stunts and he was being smothered and wanted out. Now, I do not respect Katelyn. She is a horrible, evil person and she does not deserve to be with someone as great as Brendon. But it is not my fault that he married her and I cannot be his escape from reality whenever he starts feeling miserable. It is hard for me to stand back and watch her live the life I wanted, but there is nothing I can do about it now. And, my boyfriend is 10x better than Brendon ever could have been. He works so hard for our family and loves me and our son, and I truly love and appreciate him.

You said you wanted to stop seeing this ex of yours, correct? The first step is to change your number, which you said that you were doing. Good first step. If he is still finding ways to get in touch with you, then you need to threaten him by promising to tell his wife. If you really wanted to stop seeing him, you would tell the wife. Good men are hard to come by, it sounds like you managed to find one... Don't let him go and STOP CHEATING. I'm very sorry that he called you names. I know that is a very difficult time and you feel so self concious... But remember, he is a MAN and he says and does stupid things that he doesn't mean. That is not grounds for sleeping around behind his back.

Even though you say it wasn't physical you wanted another woman's man... and you already slpet with him in your mind... and so did he... You have a good man so do I, both our men are better than our exes but we still think about them and have feelings for them, we both wonder what couldve been, and both wish we were our exes woman... clearly we won't what we can't have and that's the turn on... you aren't ready to get married either... your man now is just filling the void of your ex... trust me I know... it didn't start that way but in the marriage it will end up that way...

No contact is best and that's what I'm doing...

No, excuse me. I am not you. I AM happy with my boyfriend. I do not want to be with Brendon, I just wish he was with someone better than Katelyn because I feel he deserves that. And I am ready to get married. Just because you don't know what to do to make your relationship work doesn't mean I don't. Communication, trust, and balance are vital, and we work hard to keep all of that in check. So don't try to make me look bad in order t make yourself feel better. I was trying to help but I am done. Good luck and I will say a prayer for your husband and you daughter. You obviously have self esteem problems and are immature.

I have read all the responses here to this post, and think that, on the outside looking in, there are more problems than just the OP's.

Marriage is not defined by someone elses' idea of what it should be. (as evidenced by divorce rates), and that we are held like glue into behaving in a certain manner. When the glue comes apart, and bad things happen, it isn't a simple solution to repair the damage.

There are many issues, and it all needs unravelled and worked through, and put to rest before a good solid relationship can be built. How do you build a relationship when there is a leak in the dam, and it hasn't been repaired.

Confused, you are trying to figure this out, despite the condemnation and finger pointing. While you may be beginning to see what your actions have done to those you love, others have not. It is not an overnight fix, nor is it something that can be repaired in a few easy steps.

To want to change, and be willing to change, takes a lot of work, and commitment. I don't know anybody who can say that while in the midst of confusion they were able to make good decisions.

Please seek out counselling to unravel all the actions, reactions, and consequences of how your life has ended up where it has. I doubt you started thinking you would end up here. We have ALL made mistakes in our relationships, and our marriages, and it takes more than just wanting to fix things, to make it work. You need the tools to do so.

You have been honest about what has transpired, and if you are ready to really make a commitment to your husband, then it is time to move on from who did what to whom, to understanding and putting the past to rest.

Good luck to you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

I have read all the responses here to this post, and think that, on the outside looking in, there are more problems than just the OP's.

Marriage is not defined by someone elses' idea of what it should be. (as evidenced by divorce rates), and that we are held like glue into behaving in a certain manner. When the glue comes apart, and bad things happen, it isn't a simple solution to repair the damage.

There are many issues, and it all needs unravelled and worked through, and put to rest before a good solid relationship can be built. How do you build a relationship when there is a leak in the dam, and it hasn't been repaired.

Confused, you are trying to figure this out, despite the condemnation and finger pointing. While you may be beginning to see what your actions have done to those you love, others have not. It is not an overnight fix, nor is it something that can be repaired in a few easy steps.

To want to change, and be willing to change, takes a lot of work, and committment. I don't know anybody who can say that while in the midst of confusion they were able to make good decisions.

Please seek out counselling to unravel all the actions, reactions, and consequences of how your life has ended up where it has. I doubt you started off thinking you would end up here. We have ALL made mistakes in our relationships, and our marriages, and it takes more than just wanting to fix things, to make it work. You need the tools to do so.

You have been honest about what has transpired, and if you are ready to really make a committment to your husband, then it is time to move on from who did what to whom, to understanding and putting the past to rest.

Good luck to you.

Thank you... I will definitely work towards repairing our marriage and his trust in me

I know this is reply is coming much later than the last one but I just wanted to point out a few tings I picked up on in case you're still around here anywhere. This is just my opinion so if it strikes a chord and helps you resolve it then good, but if not feel free to forget it!

People have said about your need for attention and you seemed to think this could be possible. I'm wondering if it goes deeper - it sounds like all you want from your ex is for him to love you - this is the one thing he has never given you and you keep going back and hoping it will happen. Maybe this is also why you fear saying no to him - because to say no would mean making it even less likely he will love you.

You also mentioned your father was an alcoholic and that at one point your ex reminded you of him. That is a connection you made between the two - not me - so I'm wondering if for you you are actually seeking your father's approval, and your ex is filling in that role of someone emotionally unavailable and not able to love you, just like your father?

I agree with everyone that you could definitely use some counselling to deal with this but I think it goes way deeper than you just needing to stop the behaviour - I'm wondering if you need to accept and grieve for the love you missed out on from your father so that you can let this man go and give up the dream of being loved by a man who is never going to show it and start accepting love from where it is avaialable - yourself and your husband.

Good luck

The fact is that this is more common than people are admitting here. I had a similar issue with my ex girlfriend. The difference is that my girlfriend was taken away from me as a teenager against either of our will. I then spent YEARS into my adult life looking for her before I ended up with my current wife. Then when I finally found her, it was too late. I was emotionally connected to two women at that point. My ex girlfriend recently got married shortly after I did. I wish I could have them both.

This is why I have trust issues. Knowing how easily 75% of women cheat on their partners. It's sad... really it is.

PS. Please do your husband a favor and leave him. He might be to emotionally broken to muster up the guts to throw you out, so please... if you love him end it now. Its obvious you will keep cheating on him until the day either of you die.

Since the op hasn't been back since February, I don't think any added advice is going to matter to her because more than likely circumstances have changed since she last posted.

Lets hope it did change...