cozyk... I wanted him to tell me what his plans were in regards to his things. I did have them all packed but according to him he could only take a few things. I did what I could at the time. I wasn't much of a concern to him because if I was he would still be here and things wouldn't be as they are I gave he took and wasn't willing to give enough back and your right my future is decided by me and me alone. I can't be keeper to his belongings and I advised him that he can't take too long because I won't stop my life to wait on him to get his things. I also told him that I required things that I wasn't getting from him and that I was short changing myself and that I couldn't allow myself to do that anymore. I will continue to do what it is that I have to do, what I need to do and what I would like to do with no one telling me yes or no or keeping me from it. I would like to have him around but I don't ever want to ignore my beliefs or my values and seek less that what I deserve in order for him to be around. I have standards and I know that I have left them behind somewhere and I am going back to get them.

Feeling better. Good night everyone :)

I set a time limit for myself. I will not allow him to hold out on me for longer than two weeks. If within that two weeks he hasn't come to get his things they will be taken care of accordingly. Any further advice here will be helpful and I really do appreciate all your help here :)

I would be careful about getting rid of his things.

You might want to get a legal opinion on this; there is a section in the forum here for small claims etc.

It would not be good for you to have to face him in court, as he sues you for the value of his belongings.

Many lawyers too have an hour of consultation free (I've used it myself over the years for various things), or a local non-profit organization that assists with legal problems. We have one here.

It's important that you find out what you should or shouldn't do with his belongings. Also to possibly consider is who's name things like cell phones, gas/water bills etc. are in, as well as credit cards and other debt.

The more prepared and informed you are, the less likely you will run into problems later on.

As has been said before several times... find out what your legal obligations are... then give him the required notice in writing when his property is to be off the premisis. This may vary from state to state so make sure the advice you get applies in your state of residence.

Cover your own legal obligations First. His convienience is not a factor.

I agree and wouldn't consider doing anything inappropriate with his things. I just want him to make a decision. I can't let him prolong the issue and waste any more of my time. The police already notified me that if I needed them to do a stand by while he gets his things to just give them a call. I am hoping he will see the error of his ways and come back home... but I am prepared for either way it turns out.

I set a limit on time for myself. I am ready to tell him when I want the things out. I just have no way of contacting him right now... I don't know where he is staying and I don't know his work address. Its touch and go right now.

I'm sure if the situation exists that the person can not be located or notified you may not have to notify them then... at a certain point it becomes abandoned property. I can't venture a guess what that point is however. I think that the law in some places allow for a storage fee to be assessed as well. That can entice him to get his stuff faster.

My day went fine... an hour ago I lost it... bawled my eyes out... I hate this... no word from him since he stopped here the other day to get a bag of clothes... my girlfriend saw him today for about 2 minutes... it feels like torture right now. Sorry everyone... I just want this feeling to pass

No need to apologize. I can sympathize . I'm so sorry you are going through this hurt. I hope and pray that it will lessen very soon.
Sometimes it's good to have a good cry. We have all been through this at one time or another. Try to get a good nights sleep.

I will be heading to bed soon... I am still holding my ground though... I refuse to try to get a hold of him... Even though now I know where he is... I didn't before... I just can't understand how he can just give up like this... not call... its weird... have a great night cozyk and thanks so much

I am hoping he will see the error of his ways and come back home...but I am prepared for either way it turns out.

Lovergirl, it is easy to doubt yourself, and question the decisions you make. And whatever you decide to do you will wonder if it is the right choice.

It is a lot to go through all at once. As you are going through this separation, so too, is he. He may not communicate any better than he did before he left.

One thing that might help is keeping a diary. When you have these thoughts and feelings, write them out. When you remember how rotten things were, write those out too. And write out the good as well. Write a little bit also, every day. Each day you will start to see clouds lifting, and light at the end of the tunnel.

When you start to doubt yourself, and the decisions you are making, read back in your diary to help you remember why you did what you did. You'll see the good and the bad, but there were good times too right? I'm talking about balance here.

Although you may find reinforcement and confidence in what you are doing, you don't have to hate somebody in order to realize that you have to let them go. I'm not saying you hate him, of course, but that time and distance and a little reflection through writing might paint a clearer picture.

Good idea Jake. Writing down your feelings gets them out of your heart and head and puts them on paper. It's very therapeutic. Other wise, you keep recycling the same thoughts.

Had to spread the rep but I agree with Jake,a journal is a great idea,you can chart your progress.Be sure to include your hopes and dreams for the future.You have to keep looking forward and see the possibilities for you and your kids.
You are being the strong woman you knew you were... keep up the good work!

It is great that you and cozyk have formed this bond, she is being a wonderful on line friend to you!

I agree with everything that is said here. I have been keeping an online journal of my thoughts some good some bad some directed at him some just silly. But it does make me feel better. I can't make him see anything. I can just do what I need to do. I do feel close to cozyk and I feel grateful she is here... as well as the rest of you. I know that all of this will get easier... I just keep walking around this place and see him everywhere... If he is moving out I just want him gone. I don't want to hate him and the more I think back to the reason he left the more I get angry. I have some shopping to do for my kids today (Valentines). I will check back. Hugs to all.

Still have not heard from him in regards to his things. I wish he would just come get it. His brother called and I told him what happened. His brother was a bit shocked and was saying he has no place to live. I said to his brother... he has a place to live he just insists on treating us here like crap. Allowing meth in the house whether he did any of it or not. His brother said that Mike told him that he doensn't do it anymore. I said well I wanted to believe that but the stuff was in my house so I find it hard to believe that he stayed clear of it. They did lines of it here. I cried hard after that phone call. I said to him that the truth always comes out yet I am left to be the bad guy. This is terrible. I hate this feeling of unknowing

Have you thought about what you are going to do when he does show up? Do you have a plan in place? Have you decided whether you will allow him back in your life, and your children's lives?

I think it is safe to presume that he will be back for his things, and you need to be prepared in my opinion, for him to want to stay.

You seem to teeter between thinking about change, and actually making changes.

While I realize that you love him, you are dealing with a man who has an active and ongoing lifestyle of drugs. Strangers calling your house looking for him, things you've found yourself, his brother's admission of drug use with him, there is a murky world there that is very dangerous for you and your children.

If you cannot get past the likely future you will have with this man, based on his past and current lifestyle, please consider the safety and security of your children. While love may be blind, the needs of your children are not.

Keep up with your diary, I do think that you need to really do some reflection, and make some serious decisions, and soon.

I am trying to remain strong for my kids and myself actually. I have yet to contact him which in my case is much better than in the past when I would call him at every place I thought he might be. Or drive all night looking for him.
I have considered life without him and last night I had a vision in my sleep that woke me up with a pounding heart. I missed him... his touch when it was good. His smile when it was evident. His heart when it was in the right place.
I miss the person I once knew not the person that he became.
I don't know what to do about his things anymore. It is apparent that he isn't going to do this on his own. Its already been a week since the issue. I still have no real idea where he is staying although I have guesses. I have asked his best friend if he has contacted him and I get a "no". I really would hate to think that almost 5 years with him meant absolutely nothing to him.

Lovergirl,

I really feel badly for you. You see both the good and the bad, and think that somehow, someway, the bad will be addressed, and you'll have a good life with this man.

That, of course, is not impossible. Many have overcome great odds, and look back and say, "what the hell was I doing then".

But, it doesn't come without a lot of work. Nobody can say what he is willing to do to change his life, and he remains hidden, and not communicating, so you can really only guess.

While it would be nice to hope that he will come around, he may very well not want to, and come and pick up his stuff and move on.

Or, if he does come knocking, how are you going to deal with it. Can you set limits and expectations, and will he stick to them, so you don't go through this over and over again? Is he willing to go to counselling?

And how about you, are you willing to go seek help, for yourself, to help you get through this, and survive on your own?

There are so many resources out there to assist you. Why not seek some out. You have nothing to lose, and perhaps everything to gain, no matter which way this turns out.

Well for all of you that have been here for me in my time of need. I got the answer that I was expecting to receive. He came here to get more of his things... told me that he couldn't live with me anymore. He was tired of going to jail over me... that he can't feel as though he can't go anywhere or do anything without it making me upset. What ever story he needs to feel good about leaving. I told him that it wasn't because of me that you were leaving its because you don't care for the boundries that I have set for myself and my kids. I said no drugs in the house I meant no drugs in the house and he thinks that is the only thing he did wrong. I said you had no repect for me when you allowed your friend to have it and he even told me that he was about to do it before I walked in. I said you aren't going to make me feel bad for stopping you and your aren't going to make me feel bad for kicking your drug friend out of the house. He said he wants to live his own life and find himself. Drugs are his life and that's what he can have. He will realize later on that it won't get him very far. And if he does meet someone new she would have to be a drug user too that's the only way she would be able to tolerate him and his use. He did tell me he loves me and wants to still see me and talk with me but doesn't want to live here anymore. That hurt and hurt bad I tried to convince him to stay but to no avail. I know that I will heal it will just take time. He was all I knew other than my kids for the past 5 years. I am scared and hurt.

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Originally Posted by lovergirl247

well for all of you that have been here for me in my time of need. I got the answer that I was expecting to receive. He came here to get more of his things...told me that he couldn't live with me anymore. He was tired of going to jail over me...that he can't feel as though he can't go anywhere or do anything without it making me upset. What ever story he needs to feel good about leaving. I told him that it wasn't because of me that you were leaving its because you don't care for the boundries that I have set for myself and my kids. I said no drugs in the house I meant no drugs in the house and he thinks that is the only thing he did wrong. I said you had no repect for me when you allowed your friend to have it and he even told me that he was about to do it before I walked in. I said you aren't going to make me feel bad for stopping you and your aren't going to make me feel bad for kicking your drug friend out of the house. He said he wants to live his own life and find himself. Drugs are his life and thats what he can have. He will realize later on that it won't get him very far. And if he does meet someone new she would have to be a drug user too thats the only way she would be able to tolerate him and his use. He did tell me he loves me and wants to still see me and talk with me but doesn't want to live here anymore. That hurt and hurt bad I tried to convince him to stay but to no avail. I know that I will heal it will just take time. He was all I knew other than my kids for the past 5 years. I am scared and hurt.

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It is ironic that he ultimately made the choice, that is best for you and your children. At least he saw enough of your concerns, and realized that he cannot live without drugs, and the drug lifestyle, and made a choice. Even after all that has happened, you tried to convince him to stay.

My opinion here is based on only what you have said, and in all honesty, you will need help to get through this, and back on your feet again. It is easy to say be strong, chin up, it will get better, and all of that. But the truth is, life has dealt you a blow, and you need to recover from it, and learn from it, so that you not only get past where you are now, but learn how not to find yourself in the same boat again. All too often we tend to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire.

I hope you find the strength as time passes to realize that your life is only going to get better, and your children are going to benefit by any positive moves you make for yourself now.

All the best of luck to you, I sincerely wish you success.

Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. This is the hard part. I honestly can't help but cry and cry hard. Like I said he was what I knew for the past 5 years. Watching him walk out the door... do drugs... drink... spend time away from us. I am crying for the man I know is inside that shell. I just can't watch him come and go with his things. That's torture. I even told him that. Don't make a habit of coming and going I would much rather you get your stuff all at once then drag it on and on. He had been drinking too when he came here. I don't miss that at all. It is so terrible how I feel. It was a blow... and a real hard one... this one has left a scar.

"I am crying for the man I know is inside that shell."

I have cried many tears too for the person inside the shell, whether it be a child, relative, boyfriend, friend. When you know that beyond what they present is much, much different than what you see, it is very hard to accept that they have built a wall of concrete around themselves.

But, that is a really good way to think of it. He is making choices, and sticking to them, and nothing will penetrate that wall. No doubt others have cared about him too along the way, and found themselves eventually facing the same situation you are in right now.

He is what he is-right now. What you see is all you can deal with. You can't see into the future to see what he'd be like even two weeks from now; did he come clean, get help? If we could have that ability, we'd all hang in there waiting for that magic date and time.

You have to presume and accept that what he says, he means. He isn't going to come home, and things are not going back to the way they were. That he can say he loves you, or you can say that you love him, will not be enough to build a relationship on- it takes much more than words.

I know that you are scared and hurt, but I have faith that you will heal too. Do your kids know why he is gone. I'd tell them. I'd say he brought drugs into this home and as much as I love him and wish we could be together, I can't allow that in our lives. I think this will show them a side of you that they will respect. You taking a stand for the betterment of you, them, and the overall picture.

Don't try to convince him to stay. Just stand your ground. "The only way you could come back is if you have totally cleaned up your act, you treat me with the love, respect, and dignity that every person deserves, and I see solid evidence of this long before you come back. I love you, but I have to do what I believe is right for me and my children."

Keep us in the loop from time to time and I'll always be here with my 2 cents as long as you want it.

Honey, you NEED to talk to a counselor.

Do NOT take this jerk back until he gets himself completely clean, and gets new friends--and how high do you think the odds of THAT are?

You need to talk to a professional, someone who can help you see past your feelings to what you need to do. Your feelings, by the way, are completely valid. Asking him to stay, though, was an act of idiocy.

He doesn't respect you, he doesn't love you, and he's not going to change while the drugs are running his life. That sucks, that hurts, and of COURSE it's going to leave a scar! Scars, however, fade with time, and sometimes the lesson learned when you get hurt that badly is a good one---my worst physical scar is from falling on a jar of pickles when I was 6. I learned NEVER to run with glass after that. Yeah, bad comparison in a way---but honey, if you take him back, you're running with glass, and it's only a matter of time before you fall again, and this time the cuts may scar worse.

Mourn the man that he once was, the man you loved, and then move on and away from the man he is now--because the ONLY person you can change is yourself, and the ONLY actions you can dictate are your own.

Please--see a counselor. It will help you a lot.

Set a time for him to pick up ALL his belongings and you not be there. If he needs to borrow a truck or whatever, just say get it all or lose it. You don't need to pull this band- aid off slowly. Just one quick jerk.

By the way, as Oprah says "cry, cry the ugly cry" Go off in your car and blubber your brains out. My sister did this in her car when she found out her son was autistic. She was able to scream bloody murder in her car because it kept moving and no one could hear her. Make sure it is a low traffic road, not one that requires your undivided attention. Even better when it's dark. That way your face can contort in all the weird ways it does when you do the ugly cry. Also, your kids won't hear your anguish. One way or the other, you have to get it out. I promise you'll feel better afterwards. I'm thinking, praying, and sending my "support vibes" your way. I'm proud of how you are handling this.

He called to say he needed more things and wanted to take the family dog for a few days. I am assuming this was a reason just to come here. I told him this was too hard for me. And yet he is still only thinking of himself. I am getting tired of crying again and I don't want to hate the man

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Originally Posted by lovergirl247

He called to say he needed more things and wanted to take the family dog for a few days. I am assuming this was a reason just to come here. I told him this was too hard for me. And yet he is still only thinking of himself. I am getting tired of crying again and I don't want to hate the man

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Lay down the law. It's your home. Tell him to get everything at once and don't come back.
What happened to the things you said you sat on the front porch?

Tell him anything he doesn't take with him will be left at the street next trash day. He's had plenty of time to pick it up and get it to storage or to a new place.

The potential problem with that is, she has not yet told him to get all his stuff out. She has said she prefers that he take it all at once, but has not clearly given him a date.

She's going to have to do that in order not to be faced with being sued.

If she says next trash day, and that is two days away, I don't think that would be considered 'reasonable' in court.

I think its safe to say he'll be back for the dog, and that would be the time to say when exactly she expects the stuff to be out.

I'd be inclined to load up his stuff myself, and drop it off at his mother/brother/friends house.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

The potential problem with that is, she has not yet told him to get all his stuff out. She has said she prefers that he take it all at once, but has not clearly given him a date.

She's going to have to do that in order not to be faced with being sued.

If she says next trash day, and that is two days away, I don't think that would be considered 'reasonable' in court.

I think its safe to say he'll be back for the dog, and that would be the time to say when exactly she expects the stuff to be out.

I'd be inclined to load up his stuff myself, and drop it off at his mother/brother/friends house.

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That would depend on her local laws... being as he no longer lives there his right to free storage might not exist at all. The fact he is dragging his feet in some sort of effort to continue to impose control over her in any way he can might possibly be considered as the stuff might be trash, or of no value to him. If you move out of an apartment and no longer pay rent you don't get a grace period to move your belongings. And I do not believe she is getting any sort of monitary compensation from him for holding his junk.

She was asked to request this information from the local authorities a wile back in the thread... If she did so she will know if she can set it at the curb or not.

According to the local law enforcement the items are considered mine. First off he has no proof that the items belong to him and it would be considered abandonment. They told him a few years ago that because he is no longer in the home the items can be legally bound to her. This was 2 years ago when I was having issues with him before. I have not heard from him since three nights ago when I told him that he needs to figure things out... if I have to move on I can't do that with his things here.

He was visiting a friend of ours yesterday and told his friend that he wasn't going to think about the relationship or where he is going to live until he buys himself a vehicle. This is where his priorities lie. He told me that he loved my children yet failed to call my youngest on her birthday Wednesday night. I told my friend that I can't continue to let him have this control anymore. I will do what I feel is necessary in regards to his things after all his exact words were "They are just THINGS".

Lovergirl,

If he were to come home tomorrow, and say that he loves you, and has made a huge mistake in leaving, would you take him back?

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

Lovergirl,

If he were to come home tomorrow, and say that he loves you, and has made a huge mistake in leaving, would you take him back?

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I don't really know. My heart says one thing and my mind says another. My mind says no you have had enough. My heart says the opposite. I miss him more than anything actually. I don't miss the bull. I gave him the choice the other night. However, I can't continue to let him have this control. I am willing to do what it takes to move on... except from time to time my heart keeps pulling me back. I am afraid of being alone but know that I can do it. I have kids to think about and that's what I am trying to do. I got my schooling all set up and I am just waiting to start. I am excited about it too. These are things that I wanted to do yet didn't have the go power to do it... I hid it.

Stick with keeping him away... Your heart will come to terms with what your brain alreay knows. That he is bad news.

I am trying hard to do just that. My friend told me that my ex was visiting her house yesterday and I instantly got angry. As though this is a big fat game to him. I can't play it anymore. At least that's what My mind tells me.

As you get used to him not being there the heart will stop tugging. That's all it is... the familiarity. Not real love.

That's the battle right there. Each day gets easier... and when I don't hear from him or hear from my friends that he was around I am fine. Its when I know he is around them and when he contacts me that things get carried away in my head and heart. I am trying so hard to let this go.

He had me thinking he was going to marry me and wanted a baby with me. All those things were important to me. Not because it was him but because they are. I can't believe the mind games he kept playing and is still attempting to play with me.

This is exactly one of those things that will get easier as time passes. I'm serious, its just like any breakup after a couple have been together for any real amount of time.

Its hard at first but it progressively does get easier. You just have to stick to your guns. Eventually you will look back and wonder why you put up with him at all.