Lol.. I give up, actually I don't, but I just can't be bothered. 2+2 to you is obviously something other than 4. your in your own film, know zero about aries, yet you think your 33 happy married years (wife too?) help you see what there is no evidence of. You hammer away at communication, yet yours is failing miserably with her. She tells you one thing, and you put cotton wool in your ears, you ignore her. That's rude!! U are shoving your 33 years down her throat... if you ask me... YOU are being controlling. FOR ALL U KNOW... her boyfriend, on the subject of control, might just disagree with u.
Here's a shock for you...
Maybe she IS a controlling type, I cannot know for certain.
End of shock!
However, EQUALLY so, nor can YOU! All I know is that on the basis of the information she has given, and everything she has said, she is not.
If you were a psychologist, and not just a 33y man, you'd see that.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I read your post quite carefully actually and 99% of my posts address the issue of a lack of communications or a lack of how to communicate. I know very well it takes two and this was my main point.




I tried to address this concern also, which you chose to ignore as with my other posts, as to me assassinating your character you just have to examine the statement of you coming home early to find him watching porn, which is nothing but you controlling his free time to do as he pleases. CONTROLLING!! Also your efforts in the bathroom that you assume to be okay was seen as controlling as your intent was one of confrontation, which you call trying to talk to him about his problem. I get it bothers you, but don't blame me for pointing out the obvious, you two do not know how to communicate to solve your problems to the benefit of you both. That is what I got by reading your post and I stand by it 100% as my honest opinion. You can be mad to hear what you don't like or focus on listening and learning to solve your own problems. This may be your first relationship and posting on a public forum but my 33 years of being happily married should let you know that I know a little something' about what couples can do to be healthy. Sorry if it didn't meet your needs.

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Your response made me laugh... calm down!
Where have I said I'd like him to do any more than communicate and be honest? Please quote me.
Please read my posts as clearly you have not! I have tried talking to him, before, after during his time in the bathroom. Were you blinded by them? Please do not judge my intentions, you are in no position to do so.
This is one small issue which occurred in our relationship. Please do not generalize to the entire relationship--where have I discussed the problemS? I haven't blamed you for anything, that seems to be your style.
I'm not mad, it's a little entertaining to see how you are bothered by things I do not agree with. I appreciate your repeated suggestion of communication. Too bad with your 33years, you can not provide more.
It's okay you didn't "meet my needs" (what does that mean anyway? ), I'd be more concerend about the needs you wouldn't meet of your wife.
Thanks for writing anyway.

TALANIMAN... I see no communication from him.
Neither do I, but he hasn't thrown it in her face either
As for the bathroom... his business as far as we have been led to believe, and we have no reason to think different, was to play with his laptop. Is that what the loo is for!!
Its his bathroom and he can do whatever he wants, I know you don't have a problem with that and since the door is closed and locked, who's assumptions do we believe
Forgive me in advance if I offend u in any way, that is the last thing I want to do, but.. where do u read that she is telling him what do in his spare time!!
Her actions and from what she has written
Also... 33 years of marriage doesn't always guarantee anything,
In this case I think it guarantees that I know how to make my woman happy and to stay in my corner, If thats nothing , oh well so be it!
But I absolutely agree with you, and am glad that we do agree on something, is that communication is the key to all.
That's exactly what I've been saying in all my posts so how could you have skipped that in your moralistic rants?
However, being able to read a situation well and fairly,
And without direct accusations on the basis of unfounded reasons, is equally important.
Been their , done that. Please read my other posts(4900 of them) before you question my ability to assess a post according to what has been written
For instance, you are questioning my motives! On what basis? On your opinion? U are guilty of making vast assumptions, with less info than zero
My comments to you are what YOU have written here and other posts, and they are not assumptions and you know it. Hey I come to help, if you don't like it pass on it, and do whatever you want cause it ain't no big deal.

Which is nothing but you controlling his free time to do as he pleases.
<> this was funny the first time I read it, funnier the second...
No one in society can EVER do 'as they please, and certainly not in a relationship.
Is the state being 'controlling' by making illegal gatherings of people of a certain number, and in certain places?
Is the police being 'controlling' by enforcing the law?
I could go on and on... but I've made my point...

Here is a Q for whoever dares to offer an opinion...
If violent films can trigger violent behaviour from a viewer, and (real) experts answer affirmative... can we deduce from that that sexually explicit films might prompt a viewer to try to act out a 'favourite' scene, with his girlfriend?
If she says NO... is it reasonable to assume that he may, after fantasising about it enough, seek to fulfill his fantasy elsewhere, either by 'paying' for his fantasy, or possibly even by some sinister means, i.e. rape?

Aries, I do appreciate your honest search for answers and just me, you did come off as a little controlling but I can concede this may be unintentional as you just wanted to know what to do. Forgive my harshness as it has caused me to be deleted here a few times, and obviously you are new here. If I may suggest sitting him down and asking him directly if he is master bating, in a low key polite way without drama, or judgement as this is a sensitive subject most men do it in private. I think it important to dialogue, and get to the root of a problem and it may take more than one talk but what's the hurry.

TALANIMAN... I see no communication from him.
Neither do I, but he hasn't thrown it in her face either
<> how can you know that! You cannot.

As for the bathroom... his business as far as we have been led to believe, and we have no reason to think different, was to play with his laptop. Is that what the loo is for!!
Its his bathroom and he can do whatever he wants, I know you don't have a problem with that and since the door is closed and locked, who's assumptions do we believe
<> HIS bathroom? ONLY his??

Forgive me in advance if I offend you in any way, that is the last thing I want to do, but.. where do you read that she is telling him what do in his spare time!!
Her actions and from what she has written
<> no no no... english might be your mother tongue, but you do not understand the lingo any better than I do. She does NOT say that. She has even told you that HERSELF, yet you are so wrapped up in your own expertise that what she says to you is uttery irrelevant. Is THAT what YOU call communication??

Also... 33 years of marriage doesn't always guarantee anything,
In this case I think it guarantees that I know how to make my woman happy and to stay in my corner, If that's nothing , oh well so be it!
<> "how to make my woman happy"... you make her sound like an indian squaw.
Maybe you just 'think' she's happy. If you ignore what she tells you in the same way that u so rudely and arrogantly ignore what aries tells u, and make your own assumptions, than I think there's at least a little room for doubt there.

But I absolutely agree with you, and am glad that we do agree on something, is that communication is the key to all.
That's exactly what I've been saying in all my posts so how could you have skipped that in your moralistic rants?
<> lol.. moralistic rants.. thank you.. Mr. Communication. Yes, comm. Is the key, but knowing HOW to is the key. I think you've mislayed yours.

However, being able to read a situation well and fairly,
And without direct accusations on the basis of unfounded reasons, is equally important.
Been their , done that. Please read my other posts(4900 of them) before you question my ability to assess a post according to what has been written.
<> on that basis of what aries has written, and on the basis of your replies to her, I can do NOTHING else but question your abilities. As for your challenge of reading your 4900 posts... you MUST be jesting mate!!

For instance, you are questioning my motives! On what basis? On your opinion? U are guilty of making vast assumptions, with less info than zero
My comments to you are what YOU have written here and other posts, and they are not assumptions and you know it.
<> I KNOW it!! You're incredible (in a negative sense). Now your assuming to know what I know that I know?? Hahahaha... you're too much... and that is not a compliment.

Hey I come to help, if you don't like it pass on it, and do whatever you want cause it ain't no big deal.
<> thank you... that's mighty generous of u. yes I think I will pass on it.

Aries, I do appreciate your honest search for answers and just me
<> just you what! If u meant trust, than say it, but don't hold your breath on it.

You did come off as a little controlling
<> no she didn't. NO YOU DIDN'T GIRL!!

But I can concede this may be unintentional
<> oh whoopie... the expert makes a concetion.

As you just wanted to know what to do.
<> again u misread... she did not ask to be told what to do, she merely sought opinions and advice.

Forgive my harshness as it has caused me to be deleted here a few times
<> NO!! Really?? Lol... I wonder why...

And obviously you are new here.
<> is/was this important!!

If I may suggest sitting him down and asking him directly if he is master bating
<> tell me that you're kidding! You're suggesting that she asks him if he's masterbating!! (notice, one word) you are WAY out off line expert!

In a low key polite way without drama, or judgement as this is a sensitive subject most men do it in private.
<> in a good solid relationship, where there is love and understanding, deep desire to please ones partner, more than ones self, where there is TRUE communication, there is NO need for 'lonely' masturbation, or even for pornography. In this type of a relationship, both sides are fulfilled beyond a desire for such things. Whatever pleasure a man gets from masterbating, it pales into comparison when it's done with their partner, that is mutually.

I think it important to dialogue, and get to the root of a problem and it may take more than one talk but what's the hurry.
<> this is something u should have said WAY back, before the controlling accusation.
Better late I guess... oh, and she HAD tried that, but with no joy.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Aries, I do appreciate your honest search for answers and just me, you did come off as a little controlling but I can concede this may be unintentional as you just wanted to know what to do. Forgive my harshness as it has caused me to be deleted here a few times, and obviously you are new here. If I may suggest sitting him down and asking him directly if he is master bating, in a low key polite way without drama, or judgement as this is a sensitive subject most men do it in private. I think it important to dialogue, and get to the root of a problem and it may take more than one talk but whats the hurry.

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Word games can be fun (ie, you are coming off as stubborn and worse than harsh and I know this is intentional), but it's not worth my time.

I thank you for your two cents.

OK OK, enough... I think by now, she has gotten everyone's opinion. She knows how each of us feel about the topic. Now it is up to her. She can take in everything that has been said here, and decide on her own which way she wants to go.

I hope everything works out for you, which ever way you go!

Although this question did get a little heated up (I got a little irritated too) I think it was a very good debate :)

P.S.
I apologize if anything I said offended, or bothered anyone.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by aries_grl2k3

From the brief exposure I've given everyone, no more or less to you, you are beyond wrong about me being demanding. Just curious, how did you detect that?


without knowing the full details, it's better if you didn't respond at all.
without knowing the entire story about you and the brief exposure you've disclosed about yourself, it's hard to be certain whether your response was some kind of displaced emotional baggage/anger about your past experiences with women or your current experience with your wife...either case, I do not care to know.

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Well, I do fully realise I could be wrong... thats the flaw in online forums where you never see the person face to face.

Let me ask you this... do you object to his watching a small amount of porn in your presence? Now I will fully agree 4 hours or more is a bit much? And nothing bizarre. I detected a tone in posts that you fully object to his viewing of ANY porn at all. And I know there are other women who do take that stance. Therefore that is what I saw and what I commented based on.

If the answer to that is no then I am mistaken.

I have no question if he is on chatrooms at night in the bathroom, something is up, or he would do it with you there.


Keep in mind you are the one who posted this here. Without you posting the full details of this how will you expect us to respond. Many women will leave out details to make one party look worse than the other.

So in all honesty, if you post a question online you should be prepared to hear all aspects of it from others, not just those you may want to hear. It goes with the turf.

Personally from your comments, you appear to be the one carrying the baggage, not me. But you need to consider, don't demand something from your man you would not want to be demanded of you if the shoe was on the other foot.


At 45 my exposure to women is anything but brief. Having lived on more than one Country and dated women born and raised in many corners of the world before I got married.

Sorry to be blunt, but that's the way it is. Sometimes people develop habits they aren't aware of and don't want to hear about. We all have at one time or other.

hey smoothy,

Again, I'd like to know how you have detected anything. This means I'd like to see one of my quotes and your skills at detection. Thereafter, I'd start to consider your argument.

And likewise, how do you see me carrying baggage? Have I mentioned other people from other relationships, like you? Am I the one 45 and having exposure to women who were demanding as hell and then based on that, claim to "detect a tone"? Baggage means, simply, something carrying over from your history... this means what you have at age 45.

I appreciate all aspects of this topic, given they are based on facts and logic and not assumptions and stereotypical labeling. I appreciate your opinions that were logical (he could be doing x, y or z). I did not appreciate all your other ones.

'keep in mind' that if you want to know full details about a story, which I suggest you need to do since you run with senseless "detections" and base your responses on what "many women" do/don't do, you can just ask.

thanks anyway.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by aries_grl2k3

hey smoothy,

Again, I'd like to know how you have detected anything. This means I'd like to see one of my quotes and your skills at detection. Thereafter, I'd start to consider your arguement.

And likewise, how do you see me carrying baggage? Have I mentioned other people from other relationships, like you? Am I the one 45 and having exposure to women who were demanding as hell and then based on that, claim to "detect a tone"? Baggage means, simply, something carrying over from your history...this means what you have at age 45.

I appreciate all aspects of this topic, given they are based on facts and logic and not assumptions and stereotypical labeling. I appreciate your opinions that were logical (he could be doing x, y or z). I did not appreciate all your other ones.

'keep in mind' that if you want to know full details about a story, which I suggest you need to do since you run with senseless "detections" and base your responses on what "many women" do/don't do, you can just ask.

thanks anyway.

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Well, what do I see, that's a simple question. I see a strong sensitivity to the subject, Usually people who have had issues with certain things become hypersensitive to them in a general sense. And yes I have known a couple women who had been raped or sexually abused. They had the biggest issues compared to other women I have known even though they would argue fervently they didn't. And no I am not trying to diminish what they went through.

I read in what you said early on that he was not free to view iit in your presence. And therefor he was doing it in the bathroom. Was I incorrect in that.


The term "many women" can be interchanged with "on the average I have seen". And quite honestly I have had female friends of my wife confiding much of the same things as well. The details of which I shall not repeat, but over the years I have heard quite a few perspectives from quite a few women I had no emotional interests in.

And I am also very aware its human nature to selectively leave out bits of negative info about themselves while embellishing the actions of the other party. When one feels slighted it's a normal reaction, men do it, women do it. Hell even I admit to doing it. Its nothing personal meant towards you so don't take it that way. It means I tend to view accusations with a grain of salt knowing the emotions behind it, and having seen some from the perspectives of both parties who were both close friends that were grossly different in their takes of the other. And keep in mind we only hear one side of the story here.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by smoothy

Well, what do I see, thats a simple question. I see a strong sensitivity to the subject, Usually people who have had issues with certain things become hypersensitive to them in a general sense. And yes I have known a couple women who had been raped or sexually abused. They had the biggest issues compared to other women I have known even though they would argue fervently they didn't. And no I am not trying to diminish what they went through.

I read in what you said early on that he was not free to view iit in your presence. And therefor he was doing it in the bathroom. Was I incorrect in that.


The term "many women" can be interchanges with "on the average I have seen".

And I am also very aware its human nature to selectively leave out bits of negative info about themselves while embellishing the actions of the other party. When one feels slighted its a normal reaction, men do it, women do it. Hell even I admit to doing it. Its nothing personal meant towards you so don't take it that way. It means I tend to view accusations with a grain of salt knowing the emotions behind it, and having seen some from the perspectives of both parties who were both close friends.

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You may be right about how you have seen people become hypersensitive. My strongest objection (not sensitivity) about this was his style in conducting himself and his response to my bringing it up.
It would be best if you suspected anything, you would ask instead of continue with a misconstrued suspicion.

Without delving into the story, I want to clear a misunderstanding of yours. I didn't say that he was not free to view it, either in my presence or not. I had a problem with him running to the bathroom to hide whatever it was he was hiding. If I can not get him to open up about him doing it, how would I limit him to do it in the first place?

I agree with the selective memory/disclosure part-great point. You are making yourself more clear. Again, if there is something you think I am being selective about, then ask.

In any case, this thread is becoming exhausting-I'm done with it. Thanks again for what has been shared.

By Englishrose

Quote:

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H8 2 disagree,your usually so spot on but rather than just suggest a way to help, you have blamed her without really knowing what is going on.While I personally don't mind a man looking @ porn she owes it to her boyfriend 2 let him no it upsets her

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I blame her for nothing, merely try to point out her approach towards him may have made him want to hide his actions.

Quote:

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I tried the "I need to use the restroom" tactic. All he has to do is close the browser.

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This is not really her problem its his being unable to be honest about his feelings and actions, so her curiousity and resentment of a lack of knowing is understandable given this is her first relationship.

I

Quote:

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don't think my attitude would remain positive about porn, if I began suspecting his stimulation, while with me, was entirely and solely based on his pornographic memory. In fact, I think I'd feel used.

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How will you ever know? Many things stimulate a man when making love not just porn, but fantasies, or past experiences with you or others. That's the nature of the beast. Females go through the same thing as I bet images of Brad Pitt has entertained many a female fantasy while with her man. Don't tell me you never fantasied while making love? Be honest.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by aries_grl2k3

you may be right about how you have seen people become hypersensitive. My strongest objection (not sensitivity) about this was his style in conducting himself and his response to my bringing it up.
It would be best if you suspected anything, you would ask instead of continue with a misconstrued suspicion.

without delving into the story, i want to clear a misunderstanding of yours. I didn't say that he was not free to view it, either in my presence or not. I had a problem with him running to the bathroom to hide whatever it was he was hiding. If I can not get him to open up about him doing it, how would I limit him to do it in the first place?

I agree with the selective memory/disclosure part-great point. you are making yourself more clear. Again, if there is something you think I am being selective about, then ask.

In any case, this thread is becoming exhausting-I'm done with it. Thanks again for what has been shared.

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Well if you never had objections to his viewing it in your presence AND he clearly knew that before then that will change things.

And as far as asking every little minute thing. Some of us are not natural typists. And are limited to what is presented to us by this text medium. Which I am sure you know would take a week of entries to find out what can be spoken in 5 minutes.

There aren't many people here who express any hostility, and none has been tossed by me at any point.

Are you sure he knows he is welcome to watch porn in your presence or is this just assumed. It could be possible he has interpreted a large disapproval from you on the topic that you may not be aware of. Men and women do not literally interpret things identically, particularly if it wasn't directly discussed. Trust me in I learned about that many , many years ago. Now if in fact that was clearly and directly discussed and it was clear to him you did not object to it. And I am again speaking on what HE believes to be the case. Then if there is sneaking around then there might be something to be suspicious of.

Behavior such as this can feed rather than discourage what is hoped for. On BOTH sides. Guys despise with a passion being accused of stuff they aren't doing that the wife for whatever reason does think. That can feed itself to the point the man will go and do it since and this is a mans thought " Hell, if I'm going to be punished for doing something I haven't done, I might as well go and do it just to make it worth it."

Again that's being blunt and direct. No hostility intended.

Talk to him. My lifegot spoilt bcos of this. I started expecting too much from my partner - porn is not real -the expectation is too much.

Just let it go

Find A New Boyfriend!! there Are So Many Fish In The Sea . Don't Waste Your Time Life Energe Its Not Worth It Just Straight Up Ask Him If He Lies Hes Out You Can't Change What Doesn't Want To Be Changed!!

Possible he's watching porn as you might not be attending to his sexual needs - make him talk it out.