Well, we have all made mistakes... we are human, we try and learn from them. The problem is, your boyfriend has serious self confidance issues, seems like he sufferes from anxiety (or could even be depression). I know this, because I suffered from depression, which was caused from anxiety and lack of self confidance. I saw a phycologist, and it does actually help. What really didn't help me (everyone is different) was pitty and sympathy, because it made me feel sorry for myself, but reasoning, I managed to find a shrink who was able to reason and explain my feelings, and try and work out ways to counteract them. Although my problem didn't lead to problems in the bedroom, it led to complete isolation from the outside world, which in fact made me lonely, and stuck for being able to socialise with people. Especially girls, I'm extremily shy when I meet girls, but I've waited, and I might have found someone special...

But, I'm babbling...

Talk to him, tell him, the past is the past, and the future is there for the taking! He obviously loves you to bits, hense why he is with u, and you obviously love him, as you are asking for advice. So try and get him to relax more, open up a bit. More than likely, he is using your past to blame, so he can keep his problems bottled up inside...

CONTROL!! When someone truly loves someone else they don't say or do things to hurt that person, they are accepting and empathetic and will want to see you happy and at peace. Your man saying he hurts for you, because of what you put yourself through, might make you think he's being caring... when in fact what he is doing is throwing it back in your face to make you feel small because he is insecure. And withholding sex, more controlling behaviour. If you are constantly wondering why why why when it comes to him... it's because that's what controlling men/women do... keep you confused and down and right by their side.

You where young, and really... good... bad... it's all relative... any situation or action can be interpreted as both depending on who you ask. So, don't let your past hold you back and don't let others keep throwing it in your face. You are a human being, we all make mistakes, and Im pretty sure we wouldn't learn to grow and be better people without those mistakes. Be true to you! Good luck!

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Originally Posted by Bonita--

Before you start reading just let me warn you that this is going to be long.



This is really hurting me. I regret my past so much and I know that I can't change it. I hate to know that something I regret so much is affecting the relationship with someone I love to death. I mean I never cheated on him and I feel like now I'm suffering for something I did years before I knew him. What can I do to help him?

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This advise is for all. I would guess that if the woman tries hard to make her man feel special and showing that he is the special one in your life would be very helpful; not going out of your way but in a normal positive way so that he feels that you truly feel it and that it is obvious that you are not TRYING to make him feel special because of his insecurity. I say this because, I stumbled onto this site and understand the feeling. I have been married for over 20 years. I anticipated a virgin wife as I myself waited; I was over 30 but knew that this special bond was more than something special but something that I would share with only my wife. I met her through similar minded clergy and after we were engaged I was shocked and very hurt that she had a "boyfriend" previously. What hurt more is that she poo-pooed my feelings and I could not express them. This distain made things worse. I felt though that she had turned a new leaf in life and that that was in her past life. However, as the wedding approached I was more apprehensive. I waited all my life and now it felt like it would be missing a lot. In fact, it was a horrible night for me; one that I remember always. Instead of cuddling afterwards, she got up and went to the kitchen for some food ( she used to be a smoker & I felt that maybe that was what she wanted to do). It made me feel that this was not special at all; if fact the anticipation even for her seemed real and that she tried to make me feel good but when the "act" was to commence, she seemed the "professional" and I felt like pure garbage. OK. Maybe I could get over it, but her behaviour for months thereafter was for me to "satisfy her" as she claimed that she never climaxed before. She kept giving me instructions as to what to do; more and more I felt lost and that it appeared that her getting married was to elliminate "sex" but have climaxes. Fortunately I was successful and she has been " satisfied" for years. Me on the other hand, she treats me as a Man who is only interested in one thing and if I do make "moves" I get the cold shoulder; she has to initiate everything. Why I go on about this is because even after 20 years I am still suffering. True, if my wife would treat me with respect and more caring then probably I would not continue to have these thoughts but every time she comes out with the comment about " all men are pigs and interested in one thing etc..." these thoughts return. I should add one more important pieces of information. A little over a year after our marriage, I accidentally (really) found her travel diary which she had told me about and that she would want me to see. After glancing though it found out that it was not one boyfriend but she loved to be picked up and "have a wild time". IN fact she wrote once that she went a week without going to bed with this guy on the first date and felt great about it and that she respected herself more for this behaviour. Well, you can imagine how I felt; this almost killed me; She had changed her life, but only about 2 years before she met me.
I tried to "accept" this but even to this date, it is hard especially because she had NEVER made me feel special and always when we are together, it is to satisfy HER.

Why do I tell you all this. Because today, marriage is more economical and for "safe sex" because there is nothing left to share which is special between couples. The liberals/media try to make one feel less "progressive" if they abstain until marriage. Well, one can date and have a good time and even date their intended for along time and still wait. Is it hard? In today's society, probably yes BUT notice how many people respond to these questions in the negative. Why does one have to hide ones past? BECAUSE IT HURTS THE OTHER PARTY. Why does it hurt? BECAUSE IT MATTERS!! Marriage is a life together of special moments. Why get married if you've done everything before? Today, that is one of the reasons for the statistically fewer marriages and greater divorces. NO REASON TO WORK ON A RELATIONSHIP. Do you all want to be like Seinfelds or Friends characters.

In conclusion, my advise to you is if the boy loves you, give it some time. BUT DROP THE SEX. Every time you are together, it is just like with your other conquests except now you care for the boy. He will feel now that he is just another guy and there is no way to change this now. In fact, I have respect for him because his feelings are genuine for if not he would have no problem "performing". He does not want to perform he wants to make love and how can he do that when he feels that you are just having sex with him?
It will take some time and maybe he will get over it; I'm sure that he will provided you do as I said in the beginning. Make him feel important always and not as a man but as YOUR Special person for life. STOP HAVING SEX. Sure kiss etc but not much more. Let him see that you do not NEED SEX but want his attention. If in time, you decide to marry, WAIT for the wedding night. In this way, you will be both coming to the marriage bed after a very long hiatus knowing that now you were waiting for each other. Unfortunately, I will not have this because my wife does not respect me nor treat me in any special way, as I have stated. Time does heal (and also the fact of my religious upbringing and my special friends who allow me to express some of my feelings). Do not harp on this with him. Just abstain and abstain. It can only help. A relationship should be everything else until marriage (or close to it). Let a relationship grow for if it is mainly sex then you have no relationship. While you can talk about this matter openly, again, it is around the
"bed". See if you can move the relationship one step higher and away from this topic. Since you both would probably NOT wait until marriage, by abstaining, over time and with a fun relationship, he will probably "cure" himself and in time will be ready for the step backwards to the sexual relationship; if not, then at that time, end it

Honest Advisor

I salute your courage for telling him the details of your past. Not many people can do that. Since you have dumped that past lifestyle there is no problem with you. The problem is that of your man who finds it difficult to forget the past. If he truly loves you, he will accept you and forget the past.
The truth is, if he is finding it difficult to accept your past, do not go into a marriage relationship with him. You can help him by advising him to visit a counsellor. If that does not work, forget about the relationship.