So throw him out... if his name isn't on the lease then he has no legal right to live there... Find a woman friend to move in and share the expenses. If you are month to month on a lease and his name IS on iot you just tell the leasing company no less than 30 days in advance you are vacating the unit and want your name off any contract if he wishes to remain there. Same with any utilities.

If the kids are his get a child support judgement.

But as long as you allow the situation to continue then the blame will remain yours for allowing it.

Why try to rationalize his behaviour... tell him its your car you want it back, now... not tomorrow... and if he refuses call the police and report that he has your car and won't return it. That's known as unautherized use of a motor vehicle... its not legal.

Lovergirl, he is playing games with you. He is twisting things to make it all your fault... BUT, we are too smart to fall for that. Right? His ego insist that he be superior to you or it would be deflated. With an ego as fragile as his, it must get it's strength anyway it can.

How old are your kids? Is any one old enough to help you when you are sick? What about your girlfriend? I don't think I would ask ANYTHING of him. He did not come home last night for any number of reasons such as..

"I'm drunk and sleepy and don't "feel" like it. " You know we are all about how HE FEELS.

"'ll show her, I'll just not come home at all and let her suffer. Both emotionally and from her being sick. "That is true love, NOT!!

"She'll be there no matter how horrible I treat her because I've beat her down so much, she can't live without me."

I'll stay out all night because... I can"

Personally, I'd LOVE it if he was gone all the time. Isn't the air less heavy when he is not around. When he leaves, the tension leaves. Good riddance.

If he ever hits you, report it to police, every time. The official record of his abuse might come in handy later. Don't go this alone. As far as emotional hurt lasting forever. Well, it does cut pretty deep, but it does not have to last forever. If this were someone that you looked up to and respected, it is easy to understand why that would hurt so much. But consider the source. This is a no good loser of a jerk putting you down. He has no credentials. His words are worthless. He could never build you up, because it might take something away from him. Once again, true love... NOT. It will be uncomfortable getting out from under his thumb but you will come out the other end a winner.

I didn't take the time to read all these posts but I will add my 2 cents.

I think he has a thing for needy women, He wants you only after he hurts you so he can make things better. That is not good. He's just going to continue to hurt you. And the leaving at all times of the night and having no sex drive may be because he is cheating. I'm not sure if you've ever considered that.

Anyway... all his actions should show you he does not love you and does not want to be with you.

My children are 17 11 and 8. I can get help from them if I really need it. I don't however try to tie them down. They like to do things so I feel better knowing they are out having fun than home worrying about me. As for your comment cozyk (still have not learned how to grab a quote here). Your first sentence hit the mark with what just occurred about an hour ago. He totally took my feelings and basically told me he didn't want to talk about it. I was told something today about him that bothered me a bit. Not so much that it ruined my day but it bothered me non the less. So, I figured I would bring it to his attention. He got instantly angry at how I brought it up. Not thinking that I did anything wrong and refused to talk to me about it. He would not let me share my feelings with him. I was hurt with his tone of voice and what words came out of his mouth. Yet I still try with him. He has so many faces and I am always afraid of which one he will show. When it's a happy face, I let down my guard and as soon as I do BAMM!! I don't feel that I should have to have my guards up but in this situation I feel I have to protect myself from his belittling and slander. He is sick of my S***? And even tells me that I need to go find something to do. He hates that I am opinionated and have my own beliefs and values. I think it may scare him to a degree. He is trying to put me in my place. What place is that? Depressed and alone? I am so angry and sad at the same time right now. He left to go do HIS thing. He shows no empathy at all. I have been s*** on for almost everything he wants to do. Not considering any of us in his coming and goings.

So, the question is "what are you going to do about it?" We and you have established that he is no good for you. It's time to take action and quit letting him have power over your feelings. Time to grow a pair. Are you there yet.

By your own words he is an abuser... maybe not physically right now, but what you described is verbal and emotional abuse.

How many years have you been together... in certain states you have a common law marriage after living just 5 years together. If your state would consider it a common law marriage you can get at least some support payments while you get yourself reestablished. But you do need to get away from this man.

It will be 5 years in July that we have lived together. Minnesota no longer recognizes common law. Since 1941. Which is OK. I don't consider myself married to him anyway. I know what it is that I should do in my mind. But my heart keeps leading the way. I am not sure if its out of being used to it. Or if I am seriously codependent upon him. For what I don't know. I guess I am so used to being treated this way that I can't believe that there is another way to be. But I am a smart person and do know that I can break free of this if I really truly am ready to. I feel I am not and I feel that I am. I am stuck in my feelings right now.

He is trying to go away this weekend on a fishing trip. Things are terrible between us and still would rather go then work on things with me. I actually don't mind him leaving this time. I need to sit with my thoughts and feelings and try to sort them out into some sort of sanity. Part of me wants to use that time to pack his things and the other part wants to really figure out how I can learn to communicate with him in a way that protects my feelings and helps me get what I want out of this man. I know its in there in him. He has suppressed so many things I believe and is hiding behind them. I am so confused.

People don't make major personality changes without being recariously close to death and pulling through...

That means if he cleans up his act it will only be for a short while... this is the real him... not what you wish it was.

Now I have done it. I was at my sisters house dropping off one of my daughters. I got home around 7:30pm and went upstairs into my bedroom to find my boyfriend and one of his friends. His friend was zipping up a small coin baggy and putting it in his pocket. I kicked him out of the house. My boyfriend got so angry at me told me he was moving out and that he can't live in a home where he has no control. He left... I went back up to the bedroom and found residue on an envelope. I picked it up to toss it. Crying and hysterical. Instead of tossing it I placed it back where it was and called the police. I really messed up... I was here alone with my friends son. They didn't take me but told me that I may be charged with possession. I asked the police if they actually thought I would be stupid enough to report meth if it was mine? The officer understood what I meant. I said this is not mine I do not do this drug. I have been dealing with this for years. They are aware of it too. They said it would be good to have him call us because its possible that I would get the charge and not him. I told the officer the friends name and that he was upstairs in the apartment above me. His truck was outside so they knocked on the door. No answer, I figured that much. Meth users are cowards. So I am in some trouble and this is actually the straw that told me get the F*** out

I am feeling strong though. I am sure of that. I will be packing his things tomorrw. I told the police that I will have his things out on the front porch. I am sure he is unaware of this and even if he is aware that the police were here I don't care. I had to put a stop to this. I was so hurt that he did drugs in the house like that... and I think what pissed him off more was that he was caught red handed. Selfish SOB

Yippy, you started the ball rolling. That is a mother bear that will not let this meth mess go on in the same house her children live.
Mother bear protecting her cubs trumps everything. Even her own life really. Make sure you don't have anything to do with any of the drug business that has gone on under your roof. If you are charged with possesson, you can get a court appointed atty. You have given the police your statement and it sounds believable to me. I think it would sound believable to a judge too.
I don't believe your boyfriend is going to call them and tell them it was his. Not in a million years, but that was the straw that broke the camels back for you,

I'm glad the police were involved because that has established a "base line" so to speak. Now every time he does anything illegal or abusive, call them again. His string of bad behavior will be your ammunition and your protection. Even if it's something that does not involve the police , keep your own records. They may end up useful later.

I am so proud of this action you have taken. You may feel weakened at times, like it is easier just to let things be what they were but you are showing your children what it looks like to have self respect and command it from the people in your life. Treat me with dignity and respect or get out, Get a job doing something. Fortunately you have older kids that can help you with the younger ones if you need child care.

Come on here for support anytime. He will pitch a fit when he finds his clothes and things put out. Just say, the era of illegal activities under this roof is over. Not to mention the era of you putting up with his crap. With his name on the lease he will say he has every right to stay, and in fact you get out. What you have on him is what will give you power. Any drugs he brings in will give you leverage.

Good luck, good going, and keep us posted.

You did the right thing.

I feel better this morning. Relieved almost. I felt I could breathe easier. When he leaves the pressure lifts. I felt that right away this morning.
He did try to contact me at about 2 am. I was asleep and heard the answering machine going off. What I felt at that time is 'boy you have a lot of nerve calling here'. I held my ground. Things are going to get worse though before they get better. He will start some stuff. Blame, ridicule tell me. He is done with me yet again all a ploy to make me feel bad so that he feels more important. What he hasn't heard is... I am done with him.

So go ahead. Do what you do best. Your words can no longer affect me.
I have heard the lies coming from your mouth. I have seen you take more importance in yourself and the things you do than any other. I have felt the pain of those hurtful words. I have lived a life in your shadows. I have walked on eggshells. I have waited for you. I have trusted you. I have loved you. All so you believe you can treat me this way, all so you think you can squash my inner being and blow out my candle of light and happiness. Well no more. I am my own being with opinions and feelings and I will no longer subject them to your wrath and abuse.

Thank you all so much for your support. I know that I walk away from here with much a much stronger approach and stronger inner light.

Things could get worse before they get better. I am glad you realize that. And after he has tried all his bully tactics, he could very well turn on the charm and try to convince you to give it another chance.

Say to him, If you REALLY want to start over, you will move out, call me up for a REAL date, treat me like a lady, wine me,dine me, and shower me with the attention I deserve. That is a deal breaker, if you can't do that then you don't really want me back, because that is what I require, thank you very much! After that, his "charm approach" will cease.

Keep the fighting spirit. There is no reason you should put up with anyone that can't meet your standards. We are behind you.

He has it in his head that I am out to get him. Torture him. I will be appreciated and I will be respected and I should be adored by a truly loving man

I am actually feeling rather nervous right now. It just overwhelmed me. When and if he finds out about the police its not going to be pretty. This won't stop him from his slanderous abuse about how terrible of a person I am and how I am be** bent on making his life a living he**. I just want peace and sanity for a change. Is that too much to ask

You are aware slander is against the law, if he's saying stuff pubilcally about you by name you can take action... get a court ordered restraining order issued against him if he has threatened you in any way.

He hasn't yet but this is just the tip of the iceberg. I am considering changing my phone number. He has no keys to get into the front door and has broken down the back door too many times that it can't be fixed so I do what I can to barricade it shut. Which still has its quirks and he is able to manipulate his way in.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by lovergirl247

I am actually feeling rather nervous right now. It just overwhelmed me. When and if he finds out about the police its not going to be pretty. This won't stop him from his slanderous abuse about how terrible of a person I am and how I am be** bent on making his life a living he**. I just want peace and sanity for a change. Is that too much to ask

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Tell him you are not out to make his life a living hell. Don't flatter himself . That you aren't willing to put that effort into him any more Say you have put all the effort into him and your relationship with him and have realized you have short changed yourself and your children. You'd love to have him around BUT he is not behaving in a way that you can put up with and even if he can't change, you can. It's a new day.

I know this is easy for me to say 100's of miles away and not having to face him. Plus I don't have any of my heart attached to him. I know this is taking every bit of courage and you are scared. I wish I could make it easier. Is your sister in a good place in her life? Is she supportive of you? Are you getting any child support or anything else from the father of your children? You need support through this process of standing up to this man. I forgot what you said about the lease. Your name, his name, both, how much longer on the lease?
You are doing very well. I'm a little afraid for you about the police thing and when he finds out. Are they going to contact him? What did they say was going to happen? Are they getting back to you about charging you with possession? If you tell him, don't be alone. Get your sister or any other support you can to be with you.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by lovergirl247

He hasn't yet but this is just the tip of the iceberg. I am considering changing my phone number. He has no keys to get into the front door and has broken down the back door too many times that it can't be fixed so I do what I can to barricade it shut. Which still has its quirks and he is able to manipulate his way in.

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If he has broken down the back door many times, he is a loose cannon. Report it the next time he does it. If the police come back around for any reason, make sure they see the damage and document it. Be careful.