Smooty, in response to some of what you said. Im not making demands on him, all I did was ASK him about it (I wasn't even upset with him at the time) and he lied about it. He didn't need to lie, I even told him I was not angry about it. The more I thought about the lie the more I started to wonder what else he had lied about. I even gave him a chance to tell the truth by saying, all guys do it and I know you do too so why can't you admit it ? He refused and I dropped it. I don't know, maybe he was embarrassed. But in cases like this if he were, he would have told me later and he didn't. The subject has not been brought up since.

What you are calling demanding is me just venting about it and being hurt. Making demands on anyone usually backfires, I already know that, and really I don't even see what you are talking about? How can you make demands on someone that you aren't even talking to about the issue? I didn't even bring it up again, it was dropped. He has no idea that I am even upset at all. I have not changed in the way that I treat him (knowing he lied or not) I just let it go, but the problem is it keeps creeping into my head as to why he lied and why he won't include me in at least some of his fantasies?

When I say it is affecting our sex life, what I mean by that is he is, what I see, is satisfying himself enough watching the porn that at times there is nothing left for us ( and when I started to notice that he could not keep it up, I started to wonder why, and no he does not have any medical problems). He just doesn't have the energy. And when we do have sex, its not the same, things are different. I really don't want to go into detail about that.

I really don't have a problem with him watching it, it would just be nice to be included and I guess that's what hurt me. And I never said he had to ask me to do anything, he's an adult and can make his own decisions. Thing is, I feel left alone in this and just needed a guys point of view on how to tell him that when he lie's about something that is really stupid, it breaks trust(even if its stupid or wrong) and makes me wonder. And I would like to be included once in a while. Plus if he is addicted, I want to work on it WITH him, not against him.

Im just looking to safeguard my relationship not ruin it. And the part that hurts me the most is the fact that he didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth.

I'm going through the same thing girl don't feel bad.

What me and my boyfriend did was he admitted to his addiction and we actually got a trial of a blocker something like parental control because he knew it bothered me which I was the only one with the password and it blocked porn sites.

But eventually the trial ran out and he began watching porn again. It doesn't really bother me as much now. Because he doesn't do it like 2 to 3 times a day like he used to. He is giving me effort so I return the favor and don't bytch at him.

Try these things.

I'd like to start a dialogue with the first respondent, who began:

>I am a women and I understand how you feel, but I think you are making a big deal out if it.

I agree, it's not a huge deal.

>The reason that he lies about it is that he likes to do this but he also knows that YOU don't like it.

He lies about it because he's OK with lying. That's bad and can be indicative of a broader pattern of dishonesty.

>maybe he lies because he does not want you to feel bad.

Totally.

>Try not to take it personally, it might be something temporary that will lessen by time.

Ehh, probably not.

>But if you argue a lot about it, it will affect your relationship.

Very true.

>I have a suggestion, I would sit and watch the porn with him if I were you.

I don't think this is good advice - he probably would have offered if he was interested in making this a team sport. He'd just be uncomfortable in the proposed situation.

>I know we women do not like porn as men do, to me it is disgusting and I perefe to watch a romantic movie to turn me on rather than porn,

I've always thought that men and women are all human beings, and so are essentially the same, but I think you're on to something here...

>but if you love him you might try looking at the world from his eyes instead of forcing him to be what you program him to be.

... and in that light, maybe we can never see the world through each other's eyes.

>We all have our shortcomings that we do not want our partner to know about,

Spot on.

>or we expect them to ignore them.

And it never happens that way, which is a shame. Being honest with each other (sorry to sound like a miserable cliche) is the only way to ensure trust in the future.

>A human being is not an angel, what makes a man attractive is a mixture of good and evil that nature has created. If he is not after other wemon and only likes to watch porn, just let him do it,

Cool!

>it is not cheating, and it does not mean you are not good enough.

He's with you because you are captivating, and that is the crucial part: guys (myself included) are animals, and want every attractive girl that walks down the street. That doesn't mean that we would even entertain the notion of picking that girl over you...

>good for you to be so in shape, keep well, and let him have his privacy for a while or watch the porn with him. I am sure he will not watch it that often after a while. Good luck![/QUOTE]

Yes, let him have his privacy, but if he lies to you about it, that's trouble, as it speaks to his character on a broader scale.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by girlsconfused1

Smooty, in response to some of what you said. Im not making demands on him, all I did was ASK him about it (I wasnt even upset with him at the time) and he lied about it. He didnt need to lie, I even told him I was not angry about it. The more I thought about the lie the more I started to wonder what else he had lied about. I even gave him a chance to tell the truth by saying, all guys do it and I know you do too so why can't you admit it ? He refused and I dropped it. I dont know, maybe he was embarrassed. But in cases like this if he were, he would have told me later and he didnt. The subject has not been brought up since.

What you are calling demanding is me just venting about it and being hurt. Making demands on anyone usually backfires, I already know that, and really I dont even see what you are talking about? How can you make demands on someone that you arent even talking to about the issue? I didnt even bring it up again, it was dropped. He has no idea that I am even upset at all. I have not changed in the way that I treat him (knowing he lied or not) I just let it go, but the problem is it keeps creeping into my head as to why he lied and why he wont include me in at least some of his fantasies?

When I say it is affecting our sex life, what I mean by that is he is, what I see, is satisfying himself enough watching the porn that at times there is nothing left for us ( and when I started to notice that he could not keep it up, I started to wonder why, and no he does not have any medical problems). He just doesn't have the energy. And when we do have sex, its not the same, things are different. I really dont want to go into detail about that.

I really dont have a problem with him watching it, it would just be nice to be included and I guess thats what hurt me. And I never said he had to ask me to do anything, he's an adult and can make his own decisions. Thing is, I feel left alone in this and just needed a guys point of view on how to tell him that when he lie's about something that is really stupid, it breaks trust(even if its stupid or wrong) and makes me wonder. And I would like to be included once in a while. Plus if he is addicted, I want to work on it WITH him, not against him.

Im just looking to safeguard my relationship not ruin it. And the part that hurts me the most is the fact that he didnt trust me enough to tell me the truth.

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Look at it this way... everyone likes to have a little private space. Some guys get real private about this suff... others aren't.

It's a pretty rare case where a guy will preffer spanking the monkey to having a live woman, the caveat being unless she is unpleasant for any number of reasons. Do you ever have converstaions with any close female friends? Do you relay the details of those to him later at home? Should you? That's your private space in a manner of speaking.

Keep in mind just because it makes sense to you as a woman doesn't mean it makes sense to any guy out there. Thought processes differ between men and women.

When you mention its not the same, could this be because you are harboring these thoughts of ill will over an issue that's best foergotten for the reasons I've mentioned? With a woman state of mind is a key factor.

You don't need to go into any details you aren't comfortible going into. The basic concepts I have been trying to get across as a man speaking will not change.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pl580

I'd like to start a dialogue with the first respondent, who began:

>I am a women and I understand how you feel, but I think you are making a big deal out if it.

I agree, it's not a huge deal.

>The reason that he lies about it is that he likes to do this but he also knows that YOU don't like it.

He lies about it because he's ok with lying. That's bad and can be indicative of a broader pattern of dishonesty.

>maybe he lies because he does not want you to feel bad.

Totally.

>Try not to take it personally, it might be something temporary that will lessen by time.

Ehh, probably not.

>But if you argue a lot about it, it will affect your relationship.

Very true.

>I have a suggestion, I would sit and watch the porn with him if I were you.

I don't think this is good advice - he probably would have offered if he was interested in making this a team sport. He'd just be uncomfortable in the proposed situation.

>I know we women do not like porn as men do, to me it is disgusting and I perefe to watch a romantic movie to turn me on rather than porn,

I've always thought that men and women are all human beings, and so are essentially the same, but I think you're on to something here...

>but if you love him you might try looking at the world from his eyes instead of forcing him to be what you program him to be.

...and in that light, maybe we can never see the world through each other's eyes.

>We all have our shortcomings that we do not want our partner to know about,

Spot on.

>or we expect them to ignore them.

and it never happens that way, which is a shame. Being honest with each other (sorry to sound like a miserable cliche) is the only way to ensure trust in the future.

>A human being is not an angel, what makes a man attractive is a mixture of good and evil that nature has created. If he is not after other wemon and only likes to watch porn, just let him do it,

cool!

>it is not cheating, adn it does not mean you are not good enough.

He's with you because you are captivating, and that is the crucial part: guys (myself included) are animals, and want every attractive girl that walks down the street. That doesn't mean that we would even entertain the notion of picking that girl over you...

>good for you to be so in shape, keep well, and let him have his privacy for a while or watch the porn with him. I am sure he will not watch it that often after a while. Good luck!

---

Yes, let him have his privacy, but if he lies to you about it, that's trouble, as it speaks to his character on a broader scale.[/QUOTE]

I always thought men and women were the same too, and thinking that way I was hurt since I thought they thought the same about love and relationships, but it seems that they don't. I think we have to accpet this fact that maybe culturally men and women are brought up differently over years and that's why they think differently. I hope you are kidding when you say you guys are animals. Thanks for analyzing my answer, I gave my opinion, but it seems it is not really practical. It is difficult for women to ignore disrespect and this story continiues forever, they are with a guy, treated badly, they switch to another guy and he is even worse. We all have desires but we also have control over our desires and that is what makes us different from animals. So you are not an anima if you control what you want. If you have respect for women you will not allow yourself to act like an animal because you know you are not one.

I'd like to point out, yet AGAIN, that the problem the OP is having is with the LYING.

The porn is just what he's lying ABOUT.

If he were lying about eating donuts or going to his mother's or drinking alcohol or going out with the guys, it would still be a LIE.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Synnen

I'd like to point out, yet AGAIN, that the problem the OP is having is with the LYING.

The porn is just what he's lying ABOUT.

If he were lying about eating donuts or going to his mother's or drinking alcohol or going out with the guys, it would still be a LIE.

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And she doesn't lie about something to him as well? I'm certain she does about something. Those are still lies. Like asking someone sitting there grumbing about something, you ask them what they are thinking... they respond ".... nothing....." that's a lie after all. But is it something to get bent out of shape over? No.

That's what I am saying.

Girlsconfused, I have a question for you... If your boyfriend checks on you so much that he figures out that you have posted such a question and asks you about it, will you tell him the truth? Or you will feel that this might hurt him and deny it?

Shaadow, I would tell him the truth. If he wants to check up on me, I don't have a problem with that. I have nothing to hide and if he asked me about it I would be honest with him.

Smoothy--

If he had a problem with spending money, and I lied to him about buying a new dress, because I KNOW he's going to have a problem with it, and I really wanted the dress---then there's more of an issue than just the lie going on.

I don't lie to my husband, except about things like "What did you get me for Christmas?". I found out a long time ago that even little white lies come back to haunt you, and if it bothered him (or me!) enough to ask about it, then it wasn't worth lying about.

Remember--I'm a strong proponent that porn is NOT a bad thing. I don't CARE whether he gets himself off to it or not (he being my husband, of course).

I do think she's justifiably upset in this case, because it IS causing issues for their relationship, so if nothing else, they need to be able to talk about it, and him lying and saying that there isn't any porn makes it kind of tough to talk about it--and I can see where that would lead to other issues.

I don't know. Maybe this is a male/female thing. Maybe I get why she's upset about this, and that it really isn't the porn that has her upset.

I am a girl; I have always watched lots of porn, especially Japanese manga (by always I mean, sometimes a whole lot and sometimes, like recently, not at all) ; it's also full of naked women, and I am straight; I don't really know why I watch it, but it does turn me on, and at times it's done it more than my respective lovers;
there is something about fantasy that just has the upper hand on reality; it's not about your body; if I fantasize about a guy with wings doesn't mean I dislike my boyfriend for not having them;
maybe he likes the raunchy dirty side of it (you know, many women at once, their dirty looks etc.) but he would never want to date them. As girlfriends, we walk a strange line between having to be sexy and sexual, but also reserved and respectable. If he saw a girl walking down the street in a seethrough shirt, he would surely stare at her, masturbate about it and probably think of her when he slept with you next, but he wouldn't want to date her; it's not your job to satisfy a guys' hottest sexual fantasies; if it were, you would be... a porn star (although I'd like to believe they have better fantasies than that).

I like to imagine flying to some old dominant man's house, being tied up and etcetera. Pretty dirty stuff. But, if the situation were to present itself, I wouldnt' actually do it. Fantasy and reality are two weirdly overlapping things, but they are not in competition I think. Sometimes, I've been told it's best to not try to fulfill your fantasies because they don't turn out to be as fantastic.

maybe you should look at porn too, that might create some understanding; I'm not joking :) there is some good porn for girls out there; like cool devices (a cartoon)

now, the lying is something else; but people are pretty straightforward about it; they won't just tell you the truth when you ask for it. I know that's something our society values (and that's a clue; we value it because it's so hard and so rare. We would just think it's normal otherwise). But if you want someone to tell you the truth, you have the (really difficult in your case) job of convincing them that you can deal with it, won't blow up, and that they won't have to pay for it; would you tell your parents you smoked pot if you knew you'd get disinherited? Why bother, right? Everyone becomes "perfect" because we don't want to deal with consequences; so, if you want an open honest relationship, you have to dial your tolerance up a bunch of notches; you have to convey to kids, lovers etc the idea that you won't flip out, lose yourself confidence and start to mistrust them if they tell you they've done something they have reason to believe you disapprove of. Be tolerant and truth will come to you. Nobody confesses to judgmental people; but this is a manipulative mindset which I guess many would disapprove of;

better would be to truly become more tolerant; so what if he thinks about other people while he sleeps with you? So what if last year he had a crush on his friend julia? It's a miracle we even manage to do the monogamous thing at all; we are a polygamous creature; like many primates; we come from a long line of, alfa male, alfa female, everyone mates all the time etc; promiscuity is in our genes; a drastic number of people have affairs; I'm all for accepting human nature; I think sometimes society tells us we should be like x, and if we don't' see x we worry; what if we look at ourselves instead and try really hard to accept who we are, and who the people next to us are? Maybe that way we would need to lie less, hide less, etc;

maybe he could put the porn on TV in the living room then (just kidding)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Synnen

Smoothy--

If he had a problem with spending money, and I lied to him about buying a new dress, because I KNOW he's going to have a problem with it, and I really wanted the dress---then there's more of an issue than just the lie going on.

I don't lie to my husband, except about things like "What did you get me for Christmas?". I found out a long time ago that even little white lies come back to haunt you, and if it bothered him (or me!) enough to ask about it, then it wasn't worth lying about.

Remember--I'm a strong proponent that porn is NOT a bad thing. I don't CARE whether he gets himself off to it or not (he being my husband, of course).

I do think she's justifiably upset in this case, because it IS causing issues for their relationship, so if nothing else, they need to be able to talk about it, and him lying and saying that there isn't any porn makes it kind of tough to talk about it--and I can see where that would lead to other issues.

I dunno. Maybe this is a male/female thing. Maybe I get why she's upset about this, and that it really isn't the porn that has her upset.

---

I'm thinking the same thing... but absent more information it's a wild guess.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by girlsconfused1

Shaadow, I would tell him the truth. If he wants to check up on me, I dont have a problem with that. I have nothing to hide and if he asked me about it I would be honest with him.

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That's good. OK, if you can tell him about this then you should be able to tell him how you feel. Believe me if you are honest and you are sure that he is making a mistake that is hurting your relationship then you will not be wrong. Listen to your gut girl and speak your mind. If he really loves you he will listen to you even if you are wrong he will listen. You do not want a man who cannot even listen to a complain. Life is full of ups and downs and if a person cannot listen to your opinions in this stage of the relationship and cannot discuss it with you then he cannot be the right man. Be brave and test him. If something is bothering you, you should tell him, this is honesty. Hiding feelings will only cause resentments and that ruins the relationship in long term. Do not avoid arguments, there will sure be fights and you have to learn how to survive them. Of course, you should put it nicely, but you should tell him what bothers you. Not trusting you enough to tell you the truth. Well, you are also hiding the truth from him. The truth is you are upset with him and you should tell him. I have been following the answers you got from the beginning and it seems you cannot make a decision yet. Maybe you still need to take your time and think things over. If you cannot ignore the lie, tell him about it, it is not healthy for you to take it. My opinion is, and it is ony my opinion, that you are somehow scared of losing him if you tell him how you feel, you said in your post that he gets mad and says he will end it. WHY are you afraid? Honetsly, I know it is not easy, but life is short and you don't want to spend it with someone who will threaten you by leaving you whenever you want to discuss something with him. It is not easy to face the truth. Ask yoursef this question, why do I want this man? What is he giving me? I think and I am sorry if I am wrong but it is my feeling only that you do not feel successful without a boyfriend. I honestly don't think you really love him. You love the idea of having a perfect boyfriend and you are trying to make one out of him. HUman beings are complicated, some think they are in love with a person, but they are only addicted to them because theit attitude resembles those of the parents they are brought up with, especially the one that they did not like! Like I once fell in love with a man who had no respect for women just like my dad did not, and my dad did not let me have this relationship and toldme frankly: he is like me, he does not respect women, you cannot live with him!! ". So it is sometimes hard to recognize your feelings, it is important to know what you feel. Again I say that these are only possibilities and might be far from the truth.. I do not know your back ground and these might be irrelevant. I do not want to make you feel bad or prove yourself here, these are only things to think about, to know yoursef better and see what you want from your partner and do not be afraid of losing them. I wish you all the best. Be brave!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by shaadow

It is interesting to know... i still do not understand men. could you also explain how it goes, if you love the women you are living with why you enjoy watching naked women or even waking in the street yur head turns towards a half naked women in the street? Doesn't that mean that the woman you are walking with is not attarctive to your eyes? (by you i mean you men, not you personally) I would be happy if you reply to this thanks :)

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I agree with you here, why would a man need to watch strange women who are nothing but cheep whores, and not pay attention to your wife who is there for you to share your good and bad times? Who you are emotionally connected to and have meaningful sex rather than a lonely wank??
Why do men forget that us women have feelings and emotions and it hurts when we are so faithful to our husbands, who I return watch cheap porn??
Bet you can tell I have the same problem ( husband watching porn and then lying about it)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by redrose45

i agree with you here, why would a man need to watch strange women who are nothing but cheep whores, and not pay attention to your wife who is there for you to share your good and bad times? who you are emotionally connected to and have meaningful sex rather than a lonely wank???
why do men forget that us women have feelings and emotions and it hurts when we are so faithful to our husbands, who i return watch cheap porn???
bet you can tell i have the same problem ( husband watching porn and then lying about it)

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Before you respond to long dead threads... read the last posting date. This was from 2008 and its now 2011. That makes this one 3 years dead.