Agree this could be a help on the way but I know that I would never be able to look at myself in the mirror if I ever paid for sex. I have thought about it many times but, no, that will not be an option.Quote:
Originally Posted by albear
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Agree this could be a help on the way but I know that I would never be able to look at myself in the mirror if I ever paid for sex. I have thought about it many times but, no, that will not be an option.Quote:
Originally Posted by albear
"Agree this could be a help on the way but I know that I would never be able to look at myself in the mirror if I ever paid for sex. I have thought about it many times but, no, that will not be an option."
That's fine, I feel the same way, just trying to help
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
Yes, however, many people were married at a young age, so you still don't know if unmarried people in their late 30's were virgins.
Again, I don't want to mislead John.
The only reason I am harping on this issue is because of his original question. So if there is any other advice we can offer you, John, then please let us know.
Thanks Enigma1999. I appreciate any advice based on women's view today. I have received some good thoughts but welcome any additional thoughts or suggestions. One question I have is whether anyone ever heard of a case where a very introvert person managed to be extrovert? Or how a person my age with very low self-esteem (at least with respect to women) came out with good confidence?Quote:
Originally Posted by Enigma1999
Again any response is much appreciated but I want everyone to be honest. If you think most of the hope is gone by now then be honest about it. If you think there is still hope, please let me know your advice. I don't know if I sound pathetic but this is really awkward for me.
Well, I've had male clients who felt they were social misfits and losers, so we did role playing and some cognitive-behavioral stuff, all of which boosted their confidence. Have you considered counseling or finding a coach for something like this? It's a brief therapy thing, very targeted.Quote:
Originally Posted by jonathan64
I think the odds of finding a learning disabled female to be far greater than an exceptional student. Based on previous personal experiences.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
I picked a good wife... what more can I say.
I am. I'm a natural introvert, but I go through phases which I force myself to be extroverted so I can meet new folks. The last time I forced myself into extroversion I created and account on OKCupid (it's a free dating website that is profoundly better than any paid dating website out there) and went on a few dates. The last girl I took out on a date became (and still is) my steady girlfriend.Quote:
Originally Posted by jonathan64
Speaking of which, create an OKCupid profile if you haven't already. There is a huge representation of Boston folks on there.
In addition, I strongly recommend you read this classic: How to Win Friends and Influence People.
I beg to differ. Those were the years of the beat and hippie generations, both of which advocated hedonistic behavior. Promiscuity is as old as the earth. Blaming today's media is yet another version of the ol' "these darn kids today" spiel. Your generation is just as lustful as mine is.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
Differ all you want. I was there. Sex did not start becoming a recreational sport until the 1970s.Quote:
Originally Posted by slapshot_oi
"Differ all you want. I was there. Sex did not start becoming a recreational sport until the 1970s"
Just because YOU were there, doesn't make it so.
This is not the world according to Wondergirl.
You are completely false on this.
Slapshot, if I could give you 1000 greenies, I would.
WG. My parents were both born in the late 1930's, and both of them, and all their siblings, had sex before marriage. My dad came from a very strict Catholic family.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
My mom's oldest sister was a flower girl at their parents wedding.
Only two Uncles on my fathers side, and 1 Uncle on my moms side and 2 Aunts (dad came from a family of 6, mom from a family of 11) married because they chose to. The rest were shot gun weddings.
You may have been there, but you're basing your posts on how you lived your life. Not on how the rest of the world lived theirs.
I have started too look for options for therapy, but if there are coaches that would appopriate for my situation that definitively sounds like a good option. Any idea what is available in the Boston area?Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
Thanks, I will check it up.Quote:
Originally Posted by slapshot_oi
Do you happen to have any lady friends?
I am more of an introvert that I am extrovert. However, there are times that I force myself to put myself out there and meet new people. I used to have confidence issues when I was younger, but I really don't any more. Partly because I don't care what people think. I am who I am. I have conditioned myself to think like that.
There is hope for you. What are some things that you want to change other than your confidence and selfesteem?
Maybe call a few of these guys to get a feel for them by phone --Quote:
Originally Posted by jonathan64
Life Coaches in Boston MA | Noomii.com the Life Coach Directory
Or just Google "life coach Boston Mass" or similar keywords but without quote marks. I got a number of hits when I did this. Often a telephone interview will tell you what you need to know -- plus just your feeling of ease with the office or coach, whoever answers. I had a life coach for three months back in the early '90s -- $200 a month with a phone conversation (or in-person, if preferred) once a week plus homework assignments. Diane got me unstuck and helped me realize a dream I had sat on for several years. It's quick therapy and very focused.
Also, call the reference desk at your public library and they will give you a list of professional life coaches.in your area (probably by Googling).
I think it's sexy when a guy is a virgin. I would have you all to myself. I wouldn't have run out if you told me you were still a virgin, however seeing how it turned out so far, you probably shouldn't mention it next time. If you find someone special and everything works out with them, you can tell them later.
If you are not sure of yourself, just ask what she likes in bed, she won't know that you are asking from lack of experience, she'll think you just want to please her.
Oh and by the way, I am a 21 year old female, so that you know how someone in there 20s feels about your situation. Get out there and be charming! ;)
I may not be the best person to offer my opinion on male sexuality, but you did want a female perspective, which I can give.
Not all women will be put off by a man being a virgin. You're main problem will probably be finding someone wanting/willing to date someone in their late 30's AND a virgin. Now that I've confused you, I'll try to explain.
Most women looking to date someone your age are probably around your age. By that age, they are probably looking to either have kids, or already do. Either way, they probably want someone with a history of stable relationships. A lack of relationship history is like a lack of job history, it makes prospective matches wonder what's up, and doubt your ability to perform well (meaning, having the skills needed to have a healthy relationship or stable job). That DOESN'T mean you couldn't, just that the lack of evidence leaves doubt.
Conversely, someone looking/willing to date a virgin is probably younger, and looking at people around their age. While there are women in their 20's looking for an older man, the draw is usually the added experience.
Now, I'm sure there exist women in either category who wouldn't mind dating a 38 year old virgin. The trick is finding one you're compatible with.
My first, and main, piece of advise is to quit looking. As counterproductive as that sounds, hear me out.
You're worried about a lack of confidence, so the dating scene is probably NOT the place for you. You're better off focusing on something you ARE confident in.
Join groups, either local or online, for things that interest you. Once there, talk to people. Make friends. Make female friends. Women you can talk to about common interests without worrying about trying to impress her or convince her to date you. If you're lucky, a friendship will become more. If not, then women LOVE setting their single girl friends up with their single guy friends.
Don't shy away from making guy friends, either. Chances are, they'll have girlfriends/wives with single girl friends.
Now, I'm sure you've heard ALL about the dreaded 'friend zone.' It's BS. Most women want the person they're with to also be a friend, that means TONS of relationships evolve from friendships. Even if they don't, once again, women like to play matchmaker. If all you end up with is a good friend, then you're already a step ahead. Women like to know their friends approve of their relationships, so having a friend SUGGEST they date you is already severla brownie points. You'll also get brownie points because she'll know you won't mind hanging out with her friends, since you'll already have at least one mutual friend.
Oh, and unless asked, don't mention your lack of experience until it becomes actively relevant. Let an emotional connection form, first. If a woman invites you to spend the night in the first few months, smile, politely decline (tell her you're old fashioned and want to wait a bit), escort her to her door, and kiss her goodnight. Being a gentleman will make a better impression, and have a better chance of creating a lasting relationship.
Honestly, someone willing to jump into bed on the third date is probably NOT looking for something longterm. Casual sex is fine, if that's what you want. If it is, then you can probably find women on craiglist or dating sites happy to teach you any number of things. Just make sure that both of you are on the same page. Having casual sex with someone wanting a relationship, or vice versus, will only end badly.
Heath, all I can say is bravo! Best advice yet! I wish I could greenie you more than once. :)
Thanks! Glad to read this!Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetness_91
Thanks for sharing these thoughts. Actually I find advice from women more helpful as part of what I need to learn and understand is how women feels, thinks, loves etc. I found thiis very helpful although it made me feel puzzled at the same time. But I think I do understand what you are saying and it does make sense when I think about it.Quote:
Originally Posted by hheath541
I think I have a way forward. I will start looking for some kind of therapy and/or coaching. I need to join som activities to meet more people. Hopefully I will have more success with dating if therapy works. Although it primary is a real relationship I want, casusal sex could also be very helpful since this would both give me opportunity to 'practice' so to say, as well as boosting my ego. To find a woman in my age (which is really what I would like) may be challenging due to the reasons you described so well, but at least I think I know better how to move forward.
Sorry about that. As a few people here can tell you, the confusion has more to do with me being me, than me being a woman. I'm glad you were able make sense of it, though. That's something I'm not always sure of.
Don't stress yourself out trying to understand women. It won't happen. Women don't always understand women. We're a complicated species, that often contradicts itself.
Good luck. You've already done more than many are willing to do by deciding work toward improving things. You're willing to accept and implement advise, instead of expecting an instant fix, which will work in your favor (in finding AND keeping a relationship).
Jonathan,
You are so focused on being a virgin at 38 and not focused on the bigger picture, ROMANCE. A woman loves romance.
The first thing is making sure you focus on cultivating your mind, nurture your body, meditate, bring peace to your innerself. The climax with that special someone will come.
I dated a virgin and he did not broadcast it but his actions told the story. He just laid on top of me and I flipped over this 6'2" man and gave him a beautiful hot oil rub down, kissed him ever softly, told him how I enjoyed giving him a rub down. However, his hygiene was intact, he had clean fingernails, no smelly feet, behind his ears were not stinking of old sweat, his breath was fresh and clearly romance was in the air. I could tell he was embarrassed but I went out of my way to make him feel like superman.
Months before our intimate evening, we went to Shakespeare plays, attended late night movies and dinners, went to house parties and jazz dinner clubs, we did so many wonderful things together. He would sing to me and made a fuss and I loved it.
I remember showing up at his hotel early morning with coffee, tea and me in a trench coat and all we did was cuddle. It was beautiful.
When we made the step to making love, we worked at the same location and would have afternoon delights in the bathrooms, my oh my what was I thinking. We would have trysts at a local hotel during lunch, it was beautiful. However, his heart belong to another and we both went our separate ways. Good memories:)
Take your time in cultivating yourself, read current events, travel even if its to the next town, attend events you normally would not go to but the event sounds interesting enough for you to attend, join a group of business men and network because these organizations have balls, dances, and they have conventions. Attend wine tasting events and culinary arts events. Single cruise excursions are also good. Get involve in your community. Women do attend these venues. Cultivate the mind Jonathan, cultivating the mind broadens your conversation.
Soon you will be the George Clooney of your neighborhood. Stay focus on yourself and nothing more and everything else will fall into place.
Keep us posted.
I've been on therapy a while and I thing this have helped me be somewhat more secure on myself and have helped me conversing with foreign people, particularly women. However, I have still not managed to get a date yet.
Great to hear about therapy! That is the first step.Quote:
Originally Posted by jonathan64
Sometimes it is hard for people to take that first step, but you did, and that is great to hear.
Just keep practicing your communication skills with new people. Things will get easier for you as time goes on. The right woman will come along.
Keep up the great work!
Well, since I'm a 39-year-old female virgin, I think you're pretty damn cool. :) I can't give you any advice since I've never been on a date, had a boyfriend, or even kissed. You're just cool to me. I guess it'll happen when it happens.
I'm about to give up everything. A while ago my last relative died so I have no relatives left. I thought I had a few friends but no one but my boss (and she probably checked just because she is my boss) kept in touch while I was grieving, preparing funeral etc. So now I am living a life with no love, no care. And probability for ever finding a woman is probably quite low. I have not been able to find a date even since last time. So what's the point of keep going really?
The point is that you obviously don't want to be alone. You obviously want to be with someone. Many people don't. There are people that spend their lives alone, and prefer it that way. From what you've written on this site, that's not you.Quote:
Originally Posted by jonathan64
So you continue therapy, you continue growing as a person, and growing your confidence, and you continue asking women out. They won't all say yes, and they won't all be the person you're meant to be with. Sometimes you have to throw a few fish back in the lake before you catch one that's worth keeping.
If you continue with the attitude of "What's the point, I can't do it" and all the negativity, than no, you won't find anyone. No one wants to be with someone that's always down on themselves, has no confidence. That's a real turn off.
I know you are right, guess I just was looking for some sympathy during this tough period. Pathetic, I know...Quote:
Originally Posted by Alty
My concern wouldn't be the virgin. My concern would be the person making a very large deal, at 38 years old, out of being a virgin.
No problem with, "This is my first time." A lot of problems with "this is my first time" followed by a ton of insecurity.
Thanks. And I certainly see your point. I will not even mention "this is my first time" if I get another change although I am quite sure I will be nervous as hell. However, I would like to ask you; With my background, do you find it strange that I am insecure about this?Quote:
Originally Posted by JudyKayTee
Talaniman Rule -Date them all, fat, short, skinny or tall! 18 to 80, blind, cripple, or crazy.
You want confidence in yourself, don't let rejection stop you and never take it personally. If you are scared to fail, you never will succeed. And why on earth would you tell a female you are a virgin?
Expand the dating pool my friend and create more options and opportunities for yourself and stop looking for romance and look for fun. The more you interact, the more you will gain confidence through experience. You don't have to be great friends, or best friends forever, just share good experience through activities you love, and enjoy
And the sex thing works itself out.
If I was your therapist I would order you to engage every human you encounter with eye contact, a smile, and a greeting. Doesn't matter what the response is, pass over the sourpusses and focus on the friendly.
I find it odd you are willing to pay for therapists and not someone just for sex to learn and grow, given you are having a hard time with dating and getting sex but to each his own. Never paid myself because I never had to but then I had MANY female friends and they had friends and it worked.
But that was in my youth, and yours is gone so don't act like a scared virgin and who will know? Just have confidence in what you do. Don't ask don't tell and go for fun. Make changes and stop scaring yourself.
It's not strange that you would feel insecure about this. The thing is, insecurity is a very unattractive quality. Women do not like to date insecure men. So you really have to learn how to deal with your insecurity, and counseling is a good way to do that. You stated that you're in counseling. That's a very good idea.Quote:
Originally Posted by jonathan64
If you continue to dwell on the past, that's where you'll always be. If you want to meet someone, want a relationship, you have to let the past go, and you have to find some confidence. Women won't judge you for being a virgin, they will judge you for being whiny and insecure about it.
If you are asking me specifically if I find nervousness over your first sexual experience to be strange, no, I don't. If I met you would I want you to keep your virginity a secret? No.
I have no problem with, "Hey, look, I'm a virgin. This is all new to me. I'm pretty nervous." No problem at all. I think anyone with a new sexual partner has to sort of cover the bases - "I like this, I like that." I don't find this any different.
I did disagree with the person who posted earlier about giving the oil massage, etc. I don't see the point in that particular game. A woman who is having sex with you because she legitimately cares for you isn't going to shocked - in fact, I'd be flattered!
You waited 38 years for me? Wow!
What's puzzling me is that two women left when you told them. I just don't think that's the norm, and wonder if there was something about the way you told them that was off-putting. Therefore I wouldn't tell anyone! At least not until you are in bed together and it is obvious.
As I said earlier, I dated (and then married) a virgin, and I can't remember how many days we fumbled around until we got somewhere. He was anxious, shy, and I could tell it was very tough on him, but I admired him all the more for his resoluteness. A shy man with determination and resolve is very attractive to many women.
As I have no one to talk about this except for my therapist I hope you don't mind if I ask you for some positive support. I am in a bit tough period and could benefit from some optimistic cheers and support. I'm fighting on this but I wouldn't mind some extra support from the readers here.
WHY don't you have anyone to talk to except your therapist? Tell us about your closest friend or two. They can be enlisted to introduce you to some shy women who will absolutely appreciate you for who you are. If you don't have one close friend, then that is first. You actually learn a lot about romance from friendships. I've never really thought out how that works, I just have a sense that it is true.
I have no real close friend. And among the few friends I have I can't think of anyone to whom I could admit that I never had a woman. Yes, it's true that I lack a lot of knowledge about romance and women.Quote:
Originally Posted by joypulv
I would work on turning a friend into a close friend. Go places together, talk about this with him, meet his circle of other friends, tell them you are shy and need their help - they will want to, I'm sure. You not only learn about how they handle problems with romance but you eventually chance upon a romance through them.
What's stopping you from building a life that you enjoy with people and activities that makes you happy?
Primarily because I'm very introvert and shy. Having said that, I do have a good job and have no problem with communication there as I am quite a good expert on my field. I play music with some friends as well and do like to travel. But my main problem is that my shyness and lack of experience causes me problems to meet women.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I'm a woman. I'm no longer a virgin. If the man with whom I had my first sexual experience had referred to that experience in advance as "having" me - he would not have "had" me.
You really have to learn the lingo. Whether you meant that to offend or disrespect - it was offensive and disrespectful in my eyes.
If you want to "have" a woman you should not get into a sexual relationship with one. That sounds like you are keeping score.
My sincere apologies. I had no intention being disrespectful or being offensive whatsoever. What I meant was that I never had a relationship with a woman, sexual or romantic. I am sorry if this was not clear.Quote:
Originally Posted by JudyKayTee
Make friends and connect over time and step out of that comfort zone you stay in because of fear, and inexperience. You would be surprised at the happiness you could bring yourself. Confidence and being happy with YOURSELF is what draws people to you.
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