Awesome, who's Michael Buble, a singer right?
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Awesome, who's Michael Buble, a singer right?
Yes, a handsome young singer who is considered a "crooner," a la Frank Sinatra or Mel Torme. I mentioned him because there was a photo of him in today's newspaper. He'd performed this past weekend near me in Chicago, thus the accompanying article was a review of his show.Quote:
Awesome, who's Michael Buble, a singer right?
Whoa, now. Wait a minute.
I think you are blowing that response from men out of proportion. Are they making lewd comments? Are they saying "Hey baby, let's go back to my place and screw"?
Or are they genuinely admiring a beautiful woman, and saying things like "you look very nice in that dress"?
I think, again, that your objectivity is skewed.
And I agree with Wondergirl. I'm not thinking of Johnny Depp in a blue suit or a gray suit or a pirate costume... I'm thinking of him in oh... a speedo or that same pirate costume falling off him. Not that I want to have sex with him--I just want to admire that view, thank you very much.
Looking isn't cheating! Looking, even sexually, isn't even thinking "oh boy, I want to have sex with HIM! (or her, as the case may be)". Looking is simply saying "oh wow, that's yummy".
Let's put it this way: if your bedroom is decorated perfectly nicely, but you look at a decorator's magazine and see ANOTHER bedroom decorated differently--and you say "oh wow! That's gorgeous!"---do you automatically decide that you MUST have that bedroom, and forget the stuff you already have even though you love it?
From one sexual abuse victim to another, I can't stress enough how much counseling would help you.
I understand your need for controlling everything and everyone around you, but it's not healthy, and it's not fair.
As others have said, your husband has a right to masturbate, it's his body, and he can do with it what he likes. You have that right over your body too. You know what it feels like to have that right taken away. Pushing your expectations, making demands of what he does, is control. No human has the right to control or force another to do what they want them to do.
You do sound very angry, not only at your husband, but at the world. Counseling can help you with that.
I'm sorry that you went through these things as a child. I myself was 5 when it started, and my abuser was female. Later in my life, as a teen, I was raped. Does that mean I should hate all women and all men, since I've been abused by both?
You can get help with this. I did. My help started here, on this site, with these wonderful people, people I now consider friends. I did do counseling as well, because I needed to in order to move on. I'm married, have been for 15 years. My husband and I have been together for 20, half our lives. The main thing I learned in counseling is that there are only two people that were responsible for what happened to me. My two abusers. Once you understand that, and let go of whatever guilt you have, and the resentment you feel towards everyone, you will heal, and you will be able to have a normal relationship with your husband, minus all the control.
I hope you seek counseling. That's the only way you'll be able to understand what everyone is saying about the porn, the control issues you have, and the hate you seem to have for all man kind.
I feel the need to add my two cents.
First off, you can't accept that you could be wrong. I read this thread beginning to end and you've made your opinion and thoughts clear. I fear that nothing we say here will change it because you've already made up your mind. You've just come here so that we can hold your hand and tell you that your husband is a mean man who's awful to you.
Not bloody likely.
On the top you have control issues. You have insecurities. You also have severe trust issues. This is mindless of your abuse. If this isn't enough to go to see a therapist then considering that you're in the process of forcing your husband to leave. You're micro-managing him as well as forcing him into your particular view of how a husband should act.
My solution for you is simple. Get Thee To A Therapist! Trust your husband and give him some leeway. Accept that he will hurt you, accept that he will lie to you, and most importantly accept that he has committed himself to you with the vow of Until Death Does Us Part. Also those lies he's tell you. They're for you sake. He is doing for you so as to not aggravate the situation. He is doing it to assuage your insecurities. Crazy eh?
You're thrust your issues upon him and that isn't fair for him.
I might get my male card revoked for this but I will let you in on a few trade secrets. Men like looking at women. It is a biological imperative. When the visuals, the olfactory, and the auditory signals are right we will judge a woman in their capacity as a mate. Then we will continue walking down the street and think no more of it.
We will also comment on how well you look. Because we think you look good. We will open the door for you and do other chivalric deeds because we are both trained to and it is polite. We aren't doing so we can leer or ogle. And to be honest, if people are ogling you after four kids and ten years of marriage, I would take that as a complement.
I also get the feeling that you're misreading most of the signals that men are putting forth towards you. We do flirt harmlessly. It is fun not trying to pick you up.
We are guys. For the most part this is what we do. We can't help it. You do the same thing. If you say you don't, then you're lying.
As for porn. It has been said here and on countless threads that porn is just a seed for the male fantasy. I hate to buck the trend but I don't like most main stream porn. I like seeing stretch marks, I like seeing less than perfect breasts. I like seeing scars or those little imperfections that make us all unique. Depending on the mood I go for most of the ethnicities and ages. I think I might have midgets somewhere in my 750GB porn collection on my computer.
I also masturbate each morning before I got to work. I have been married, and divorced, and I just got out of a long term relationship. The first woman never loved me and just married me because I was a good man. My last girl friend left me because... we were both tired of her ****. I tell you this because Porn and Masturbation were never the cause of either breakup.
The point is you're forcing your husband to accept life on your terms without even considering his terms. This is dangerous. You really need to step back and take stock of many things. Get help.
Good luck. We're actually rooting for you here.
Tell him you need to talk set a time and sit down with no distractions. Have you tried that? Say you really need to discuss this and if things are to work out you need him to open up, if he doesn't respond maybe suggest you two go to couples therapy
I'm going to jump in here with a couple of comments. First, to answer the question in your subject:
Why do men think it is there inalienable right to look at porn and have sex. To answer the first part its because the US Declaration of Independence endowed man with the inalienable right to pursuit of happiness. To answer the second part, some feel that way, others don't.
And you were asked, in the beginning to NOT use the Comments feature to follow up on questions. Please use the Answer options instead.
You guys think I am trying to control my husband! I am the last person in the world how can control anyone, especially him! I never said he couldn't masterbate, I am soooooo glad he does, so now I don't feel bad about doing it myself! Like I said I hate lying, and I DO NOT have to let my man look at other women naked! He started dating and eventually married me knowing how I felt about it! I feel that porn is part of a single lifestyle, and should only cross the lines of a relationship if it is agreed upon by that couple! I DON'T care what any of you say, He doesn't just get to look at other women naked!! He married me knowing how I felt! We have our own material! If that's not enough, then he should have let me know, he can easily open my mind to his views, (all he has to do is wine and I give in) so me controlling HIM isn't the issue, nor is masturbation! He told me he didn't do it, and he made me feel guilty when I did, I always told him because I can't keep anything from him, nor can I lie to him..
All I wanted to know is why men (maybe not all, but all I have ever met) need to look at other naked women in a relationship. AND they all feel they need sex all the time with or without a relationship! I know because they have told me! No man I know is shy about sexuallity...
Oh and by the way, we talked it out and;
He will get all the material he needs at his dissposal anytime he wants, as long as I know about the materials and we can have fun together sometimes!! I AM NOT anti-porn, it's a lot of fun, but when you get married you give up your single lifestyle! Tell your significant other your feeling and NEVER hide anything!
I am sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings by my venting, but quite honestly I am so sick of being undressed by males eyes every time I leave the house! Grocery shopping, getting gas, picking up my kids from school, etc.. No makeup, in sweat pants and a t-shirt!! It's not just a feeling I have, it's the stupid expression on their face when they think I don't see them, or like I don't know any other languages, or can't hear them, or I am a dumb blond bimbo... Wolf whistels, and being called "hey baby" or "come here", god only knows what else! If you want to look, fine, be my guest; but stop treating me like I'm here for your pleasure.. You just can't ignore everyone, some of them are too "loud"... No it's not every male, thank god! There was one guy who even befriended my husband trying to get me! Now that's really bad! I can't leave my house without someone doing it! We are all sexual beings, but we don't have to let everyone know it all the time.
Before you think I'm all into myself, if I were to rate my looks it would be "cabbage patch 'cute'" at best, in make-up! I don't have stylish clothes, I wouldn't be caught dead in a swimsuite, I mind my own business! I am so not Jessica Alba or Faith Hill, beauties that are meant to be seen! So I really don't understand!
Anyway, all I am saying is that porn is not a neccesity for a anyone, you can control what you type, click on, movies watched, etc...
You might think I hate men! I Don't! But, would you like to be hooted and hollered all the time? I can't pick up a gallon of milk without it! Society has to change! The world doesn't revolve around sex, but yet that's all I see and its not always men either!
also
Am I wrong to be mad that my 5 year old girl found "Girly Homework" at my husbands bachelor friends house? My husband thinks it's fine, because she's a girl, but I think she's only 5! It wasn't really left out, but easily found, my 3 year old girl was there too!
I'm glad you and your husband talked about it. Communication in a marriage is very important.
I had originally written a very long comment regarding your skewed view of men and sexuality in general, and decided most of it was better off not said. I'm not going to change you, and you're not going to convince me.
I do believe that you do still need counseling regarding your abuse, because your attitude toward men and sexuality IS skewed, whether you can see it or not, and you're passing that skewed idea on to your daughters, which is doing them a great disservice.
I wish I could force my husband to take off his shoes, or put his garbage in the garbage can, I want mutual ground, decided together, as it should be. I came off as a b***** sure, just it other women naked that I have a problem with him looking at
He's the only one who sees me I'm the only one who sees him, why should it be any different with looking at others, unless it is something agreed upon. We have our own, we have books & videos, why something of which is secret and sneaky.
I don't want to control what he watches or when, I don't need to know, but if it's something he doesn't want me to see, like that night, I just wanted to see, but he wouldn't show me!
Quote:
Originally Posted by liberty4497
This kind of thing happens to me all of the time. I can see where you are coming from... I also agree with you to a certain extent.
When a group of men are yelling at me "Hey sexy" I feel so vulnerable walking to my car by myself. However, I try to blow it off. I don't think EVERY man is like this. When things are said to me, I am pretty witty in return, which makes everyone, including myself laugh.
You just need to do the same. Just blow it off. Obviously you are an attractive woman, which is why men look and sometimes say things.
On another note, I am glad that you talked it out with your Husband. You two need to trust and communicate with each other.
Like I had said before in a previous post, I still think that you need some counseling. Please don't be offended by that, I just think to deal with your unfortunate issues from your past.
I also understand that you did need to vent.
My children do not see these things, I am very careful of the things I expose them to, the way I feel is has nothing to do with them, they need to make their own way, nothing like this or anything negative is ever discussed so as they don't hear.
They have to figure things out for themselves, above all I teach them to be nice to everyone, even mean people, I will never expose my children to any kind of hate, even my own, growning up is hard enough without our parents problems waying on them.
I am sorry you think that I would tell my children anything negative about others, this is how I fell, if one day they come to me feeling to same way I will relate, but I will also try to show them all the positives there are as well...
And you don't think not discussing it isn't a message in itself? Do you think preventing them from any kind of exposure is going to keep them from being aware of things?
Kids observe. You would be absolutely astounded at the things kids pick up by actions, and by what is NOT said. If you're getting hit on picking them up from school, do you not think they are learning from your reaction? Do you think they don't know what your moods are? If you get angry or embarrassed or upset at these catcalls, do you think they don't see that?
Your kids are exposed to negative things ALL THE TIME. Do you think not discussing negative things makes them go away so that they don't have to deal with it?
Again, your lack of counseling and dealing with your past is setting an example for your children, whether you like it or not, and whether you believe it or not. I have very distinct memories from my childhood about the way my mom reacted to something--sometimes I was scared by the reaction, sometimes confused---but I remember those occasions MUCH more clearly than my mother does. In one case, we were waiting to greet my dad when his ship came back in (he was Navy) and a guy made a pass at my mom. I was maybe three or four at the time. My mom doesn't even remember this, and it took until I was an adult to put it in context. At the time, I didn't understand why my mom was both angry and scared. I thought it was something *I* did, and started crying, which made her MORE upset. I remember her saying something rude to the man, and we went back to the car to wait. For a long time, I thought men that looked like that man were evil, because he scared my mom and scared me and made my mom angry and then I didn't get to see my daddy.
Your kids SEE how you react. They KNOW what your moods are. You influence them in every word you say and don't say, and in every attitude you adopt.
If you don't believe that and truly think you can keep your children from 1. knowing about sex 2. knowing how you feel about it and 3. know how you treat men and feel about them---well, you've got more blinders on than I thought.
Why do you avoid the idea of counseling so strongly?
Vented full seem! I am so not witty!
In response to your comments.
Doesn't he have any privacy? Do you need to know what is going on with all aspects of his life. I agree with Synenn. While you have worked this out, you haven't dealt with many of the larger issues in your lives.
You have won a battle but you're losing the war.
I hope you aren't going to settle for that.
For my kids when they are around they are the only thing there! Nothing else! No reaction, they have no clue that someone's trying to get my attention because their attention is on something else a lot more interensting!
I am not going to prevent them from learning anything! I don't treat men like nothing... I have friends of many different races, religions, and sexes gay and strait. I hate the thinking that porn is under every circumstance okay in a relationship
'he knows how I feel about porn! If you have to look at it you should have my permission,'
'i don't want to control what he watches or when, I don't need to know'
'If you are in a relationship YOU HAVE NO RIGHT to look at anyone else, naked or otherwise,'
'But he knows how I feel about it, he wants to do it we can do it together!'
'Self control people, you can't just do what you want when you want,'
'He is my whole world, I bend over backwards for him, and let him do what he wants,'
'10 years I thought he never masterbated, and then I walk in on him! How would you feel!'
'I never said he couldn't masterbate, I am soooooo glad he does, so now I don't feel bad about doing it myself!'
These are just a few of your statements. I could have picked out many more. How clear do you think your own thoughts actually are on all this? Almost everything you say is full of contradictions. This is not me trying to pull you apart. I am desperately trying to show you that you need some help here. You are picking at little things here and there and trying to justify them and completely avoiding looking at the overall picture of your own thoughts, feelings and behaviour. This is absolutely natural after abuse. It's a scary place to visit.
How many people have asked you to consider counselling in this thread? Why it this the one suggestion you do not comment on?
I give up.
You won't admit you need help.
You won't admit that your kids are influenced by your actions whether you see it or not.
You won't admit that your views on men are skewed.
As a matter of fact--you have managed to NEVER comment on counseling this entire thread, though I think nearly every single person who responded gave you that answer.
You don't want help. You want a pity party. Well, I don't do those, so I'm leaving.
I'm going to step in and ask (for the third time) that you please stop using the comment feature to post. There is a post option, please use that to respond. The comment feature is for comments only, not for responses. If you need help figuring out where the post feature is, or how to use it, please ask, but using the comment feature makes it really hard to keep track of your posts, also, the comment feature only allows 250 characters, where the post feature doesn't have a limit. Thank you.
I too think that you should still consider counseling. Like Synnen I realize that none of us will get you to see why porn isn't wrong, or why men wish to look at naked women, and that it doesn't mean that he has a wandering eye. We can't change your view on things, and most of your views stem from your past abuse. It's time to get help with that, and I hope that you at least take that advice, for your own good, and that of your daughters.
k.
I'm going to address this in steps.
any person has a right to self stim. Period. Done. He doesn't need to ask for a hall pass. He should be an attentive lover. But really... you get to decide when he can self stim??
sex is not a "wonderful perk"... really?? Yes... at its worst, I guess sex is the possible base reward of wasting time with another person. But I don't live in that place. Sex does not have to be about love... but it can most certainly be about celebrating life and wonder and joy. Sex is not some add on bonus. It is a fundamental part of who we are. And self stim is a fundamental part of learning about your sexuality. About keeping balance.
dear lord... how many people write in here about lovers who don't ever pay any attention to them at all??
so... what? I have the right to toss every lovers vibe in the garbage? To ban the buying of AA's?
no... I have the extreme honor of witnessing a lover engaged in full release. Seeing her tremble by her own hand. And that is a wonderful thing.
I don't care if I am on her mind. I don't need to be propped up. I find great pleasure in witnessing her joy.
ultimately... what is driving you is what drives most people. You are scared. Mortal. Fear is honestly what drives most people.
now... I want to thank you for coming here. You are struggling and you are seeking out help... and that is honorable. Its good. It shows a desire for something more.
...
a lover of mine once found a playboy mag of mine years ago and asked me "is This what you want?!?"... the honest answer is "no"... it was a vehicle to an end. A voyeur stim to distract my mind and let me be in the moment. Every time she prompted a need for sex, I paid attention. She wasn't necessarily wanting. Neglected. She was annoyed.
my last lover had three vibes. I didn't ask her to schedule when they were used. I didn't ask her to limit their use to no more than as often as I was laid. I didn't moniter the purchase of batteries.
now... if her vibe was getting three times more action than me, and I was unsatiated, then id want to talk.
but really... very few couples are lock in step dead on sexually compatible. He will be interested when you are tired. You will be interested when he is distracted. It happens.
I broke a sink once, in a pent up fit. Didn't mean to. My lover was spent, tired, done. Had nothing to offer me. I went downstairs, washed my face, and for some dumb testosterone driven reason, took my frustrations out by lifting on a immovable object. That moved. Oops. Superglue rocks.
my point is I have a long history of self stim while with another. Never once... not once... did I ever wish I was not with my lover...
tables turned. A lover needed lots of foreplay. She needed her skin warm from a hot bath or shower. She needed her skin touched by my hands. Patient. Slow. Warm. Comforting. Touch. She needed me pulling her to the edge of the bed. She needed my mouth on her. She needed to let go and release and trust I knew what she needed.
now... is it wrong that she wasn't satisfied by just being with me? no. is it wrong that it took time for her body to be most responsive to my being inside her? no.
it was not wrong that she needed a ritual. She needed a routine. She needed a pattern. She needed trust.
so... don't make him wired like you. He isn't wired like you. You don't want to date you, right?
he can absolutely be with you, present, engaged, inside, and all about you.
and he can also center on himself. And if he looks elsewhere for temporal stim, its temporal.
I get you don't like it. I get you don't like his lying. I wish he would stand up for himself. He obviously cares for you, doesn't want to upset you, but also knows he has a right to his own mind and body.
here is the crux.
if you don't like it and cannot stand for it... leave.
leave.
you don't get to stay and complain... just as he doesn't get to do whatever he is doing and demand you stay.
you have choices. He has choices.
personally... I don't expect every lover to think only of me for the rest of their lives. Its called being mortal. I am not that special, with several billion people on this earth. My lover will see other tempting beaus. Daily. Expect it.
but when your guy looks at porn and self stims... it is not about anything lacking in you... and that is the core issue here. You feel like you aren't good enough. He isn't looking for something better. He is just looking.
and it can be that simple.
I love fireworks. I've seen them for years and years. I know what they look like. I still like them. And the discovery of the new is fun. It doesn't diminish the rest of my life.. who I am, whom I love, what I cherish, what I value.
you have a right to choose what is acceptable for you. I hope you give your partner, or any future partner, some room to be themselves and to hold on to fantasty and immagination.
As for the sexual abuse... this needs to be addressed on its own merit and not complicated by the struggles of your relationship.
My last love was raped as a very young teen and again as an adult. The tremors resonate throughout her life. But please don't twist his right to self stim (whether with visual aids or not) into your struggles tied to your past.
Apologies if this has already been posted. It's a long thread and I came in late. The notable line for me in your post is that you have sex, but he masturbates later. Clearly, his appetite hasn't been quenched. Why else would he be looking for more? Either the sex wasn't "good" for him, or he just wants more. Assuming you want to remain married your options are: Give him more sex, or accept that he takes matters "into his own hands" so to speak.
I don't mean to be vulgar, but to [semi] quote the old song: The purpose of a man is to love his woman and the purpose of a woman is to love her man. Give him more sex, or love/accept him for having an insatiable appetite.
If he's choosing porn instead of you... now that's a problem.
Perhaps you should read the entire thread to get more acquainted with her whole situation. Just a thought.Quote:
Originally Posted by RustyFairmount
Most if it was HOW you presented what you said... sometimes the presentation is as important os the meal itself.Quote:
Originally Posted by liberty4497
All guys look, and notice... (the ones that actually like women that is, and the others look at men... ignoring the freaks that look at children in that same way). Fact is most of us can do it without being ignorant or rude.
But with that part said... don't say that women don't qawk or look too, because they do. A lady friend of mine pointed it out to me one day about the women that were looking at me.. ( I hadn't noticed it before she commented). I too think I'm average looking... but as a plus I do reliably pass for being 10 years younger than I actually am.
Guys look... if they are looking at you, consider it a compliment. (assuming they aren't making rude animal noises). Guys might actually see you as being more attractive than you think you are yourself.
Not appoligizing for the few neanderthals that feel they have to wolf whistle or worse. Like that ever works for them. And I'd be surprised if it ever has even once.
Even with a wolf-whistle I think it depends on how the guy means it. It can be intended to be intimidating. It can be playing up to his mates. Sometimes it can be simple fun, just a little bit of appreciation. Yes it has become rather unacceptable since some men have taken it to extremes but not all guys mean to be terribly rude by it.
I remember once walking past a builder's yard. Because of the high fencing only my head and shoulders were visible to the builders. I got a very loud wolf-whistle. As I stepped past the gateway my huge pregnancy bump sailed into view. The guy who had whistled stopped dead, grinned sheepishly and said, 'oops, sorry missus, but you're still gorgeous.' Then he gave me a big smile and waved.
Was I offended? Hell no. Made a woman who was feeling like a beached whale smile.
That's the thing, it's about reading the context of comments and looks. Sure some guys see women as 'meat'. Others can appreciate what they see and still remember there's a person behind it.
I read other comments on your post and some of them are refraining from "picking" you apart.
Well... I'm going to and as a forewarning, it will be harsh.
he knows how i feel about porn!
Just because you feel that way doesn't mean he has too. I agree that a relationship is about comprimising on things each other doesn't like but looking at porn is his right.
If you have to look at it you should have my permission
Are you kidding? "Hey hun, I'm going to go watch some porn and masturbate. See you in a few!" I don't think so, you do not control him and he does not need to "ask" to go masturbate.
If you are in a relationship YOU HAVE NO RIGHT to look at anyone else, naked or otherwise, without their permission
Wrong. This; again, is your opinion and doesn't mean he's got to follow it because he's your husband. What happens if you're watching a movie and a pair of t1ts come on the screen? Does he have to turn and ask permission to continue watching the movie. (then again, you probably don't allow him to watch R-rated movies.)
In our society today it is okay to please yourself without any regard for others... Why is it that
It's because it's a free country. WHo else's business is it? If I want to rub one off then I will. I'm not going to make an announcement to everyone at my house because I care what they think about it. It's my body! Period.
How do i know that he isn't thinking about those girls while he's with me?
It's called trust and understanding that just because he watches porn doesn't mean he wishes them girls were here instead of you. There are many reasons to watching porn and it doesn't mean you want to have sex with the girls (or guys idk) in the film.
I am so sick of the world being so wrapped up in sex, like it is everything
It's a natural occurrence. Get used to it! We do it for fun, pleasure, reproduction, etc... again all I see is I, I, I and your husband has to suffer for it.
Being a woman means you give everything to your husband and your kids, getting nothing in return. i am just suppost to keep giving in because that's the way it is.. I really feel that all male think that women are here just to sick there **** in
Now you're just throwing yourself a pity party. (where's my invite? Must have got lost in the mail)
the way we get paid
You should probably ask for a raise! What does this have to do with your husband? I think you're just a sexist, sour at the gender because of incidences that happened to you. P.S. Get off your high horse and stop putting the female vagina on such a tall pedestal.
There are so many times that i have been hit on
Others would take this as a compliment. Geez I hope I never meet you!
like i am suppost to bend over and take it in the @$$.
Hmm... :D
Does anyone know what it's like to have been sexually abuse several times as a child by different people and then still be expected to want to have sex everyday
There are groups, people, centers to talk to. I feel that your trying to justify your actions and beliiefs on this and I don't think it stems from this. (ill tell you what I think when I'm done combing through your novel)
I HAVE A RIGHT
Kep telling yourself that!
I can't keep living like this!
I would hate to see how you act when a real situation is in affect!
jump off a cliff
Hmm... an idea perhaps!!
Ok, here's the jist of it. I think you hate life, whether its your job, family life, kids, husband a combination of stress in all of them aspects. You seem to hate men and dispise what we've became as a society. You put the pu$$y on a pedestal and are controlling and misinformed. Unkowledgeable, greedy and just plane sexist. (of course this is my opinion)
Everywhere in this post was about you, you, you. What you think, how you feel, what you want. Yes, a marriage is about each other but that DOES NOT mean you control him in anyway. I'm sure your husband wants to have sex more. Are you going to give it to him because its what he wants? (doubt it)
YOU NEED HELP!
No need to read the whole thread. I was responding to the OP's question, not the 4 pages of other people's comments.
No need to read the whole thread. I was responding to the OP's question, not the 4 pages of other people's comments.
The ONLY reason why I said that, is because she has bigger issues going on here then just porn and masturbation.
She has yet to answer any of our questions regarding her past, OR why she has not gotten or won't get counseling.
I was ot trying to beoffensive towards YOU.
I just think that after 72 posts and some REALLY good advice, she would own up to her problems.
That's all...
Rusty, the op has several comments and posts of her own in this thread. Her participation is not limited to her question.
Also, I have to disagree with telling her to 'have more sex' because her husband isn't 'getting enough' when she has expressed strong feelings about 'bending over backward' to give her husband what he wants plus she appears like the idea of his masturbating so that he doesn't want more sex. Her main issue seems to be his 'lying' and hiding his actions. More sex will not fix those concerns.
Rusty, there's a reason that we suggest reading the whole thread. Is it tedious? Yes. But, when a thread is past 70 posts, there's a reason. It's usually because there's more to the question than was originally discussed in the original post.
If you're going to respond, then it's important to take the time to read the whole story, all the posts made by the OP and the people responding to her, not just the first post.
There's no need to get defensive. You didn't read the whole thread, and as a result your advice wasn't well received, or at all accurate. Had you read the whole thread you're advice may have been more on point.
You don't have to read threads that are long, that's your choice, but if you're not willing to put in the time, perhaps it's best to let those that have read the whole thing be the ones to offer the advice, because they know what's going on. :)
Its called perspective. Conversation. Dialogue.
The original poster has accumulated 29 posts since the OP'ed question.
If you are too lazy to read through a page or two of simple postings, then you just don't care that much to be present and active in the real dynamic of the thread. And its called a thread because it is more than just the OP'ed question, ja know. But whatever. You can ignore pages of relevant content.
Which is fine I guess.
AMHD doesn't demand you have half a clue about the info that gets revealed through common discourse.
But really... strictly answering just the OP'ed ? Without additional perspective or attention... well... its lazy. Incomplete. Even bordering on disrespectful at worst.
Sterile and disconnected at best.
"and doesn't take into consideration merged threads where the focus has changed."
... and this is a thread where the focus definitely changed. This is not about porn or masturbation anymore. This is about issues the OP has deep within her regarding the male gender, trust issues and to be honest I think depression as well.
She seems to hate the gender and her beliefs on what we have become as a collective sort. She see's us as nasty animals just looking for sex, underpaying females, self-pleasure (if that was wrong most of us would be punishable, male and female)
I have been reading this thread from your first post. It caught my eye since my husband and I also had porn issues. Far different then I feel yours are. But you said some things that caught my attention that no one else seemed to address. Which is fine. Now I am.
First I see you stated "He told me he doesn't masterbate..." Seriously? I don't think I have met a man yet that hasn't or still doesn't masterbate. If he tells you he doesn't then he is lying. He is lying to protect your feelings. Does that make him a bad person for protecting you from the hurt you would feel? You have made him ashamed of himself and a perfectly natural act that every person on the site does I am sure.
Second I noticed this "He told me he didn't do it, and he made me feel guilty when I did, I always told him because I can't keep anything from him, nor can I lie to him.." Well now what's this about? I see this as you also were doing it when he wasn't around and just admitted it when he asked? Are you saying here you have also touched yourself alone? That's how I see it.
I give big fat greenies to everyone here. I see the issues. Again why have you not answered the counseling questions? I was in counseling with my husband. Not for porn but that topic came up every time. We had our issues also but I soon realized porn can be an addiction like drugs or alcohol. You can't point blame and make him feel ashamed. That makes him hide it more.
I agree with every one that the issue is with you personally. Your full of hurt and torment from the past and your blaming the rest of the world for it. I am so sorry you were abused. But as Alty knows and others that only involves you and the abuser. Not those around you. Did you get help when that happened? Or is all that still bottled up inside?
Can I ask would it make you feel better if he went out and was with a real woman? Let me guess you could then validate it all. Say to us the porn caused his cheating ways. Porn is not the issue, you are the issue at this point. I think if you spoke to a professional you would see things in a new light.
As far as the cat calls and men looking and hitting on you so what. I love it when I know a guy is watching me. It makes me feel sexy when I might be having a down day. In fact I do ogle sometimes in return. Heck I even look at women. Does that disgust you also? I am not afraid to check out a hot girl. Doesn't make me gross or gay. I can appreciate beauty in all forms whether it be man or woman. Do I touch myself after? No. Would I if I were at home? Depends. Have I? Yes. Will I again. You bet!
Please take a minute read over your thread again. Look at what you posted. Read your hurt and anger. Lets address that with the rest of us. The porn is only minor here, if anything at all.
On one final note good for your husband for not changing his ways. I am sorry he has to lie about it but he must love you enough to make the choice to lie rather then hurt you. Doesn't that say something?
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